Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Volume II Edition XXVIII

Sensitivity Conference Paralyzed

By LeeAnn Rhoden

A
Sensitivity
Conference was held at a
retreat facility outside
Asheville, NC. The focus
of the conference was to
teach
managers
and
teachers better ways to
communicate and speak to
their
employees
and
students.
The older generations
tend to speak more harshly
and that can affect how
students and employees of
the younger generations
react or shut down all
together, said Dr. Mona
Lowda, a family and
couples therapist heading
up the conference. The
younger generations are
more sensitive to micro
aggressions that the older

people may not be aware

they are committing.
The schedule of events
was an initial meet and
greet over cocktails and
hors doeuvres. Followed
by the first night dinner.
The next morning, after
breakfast there was to be a
larger group introduction
followed by breakouts of
small
groups
each
mediated by a counselor to
review
hypothetical
scenarios
and
actions/reactions to the
situation by the small
group members. The first
day would end with
another
large
group
gathering to share what
each person took away.
However, the conference
Continued on Page 2

Its A Swimming Pool

By Snoop Cubby

In an ironic turn of
events, an EPA worker
found himself having to
fill out specialized permits
and consult with the Army
Corps of Engineers in
order for him to get the
permission to build a
swimming pool in his back
yard.
Its just a swimming
pool, Beau Cratt said. A
place the kids can swim
and my wife and I can
unwind after a grueling
week.
What seems to be at
issue is that Mr. Cratts
home sits on a 5-acre plot
of land in the middle of
Sherwood Forest a mere
100 miles from the Knile
River, a navigable river.

By putting a pool on
his property without our
permission and overreaching over-sight, he
may impact the flow of the
river and thus impact
navigation
and
other
wildlife concerns along the
river.
Mr. Cratt and his
family have decided to dig
the pool themselves by
hand shovel and renting a
bobcat from the local
hardware store for only
$150 per day.
If we have to pay a
fine then well pay it. Its
just a swimming pool. Its
not like I want to put in a
pond on farm land to water
cows and wildlife or
provide a haven from
drought for endangered
species.

Husband Arrested For Trespassing

By A. Marie Silver

Dominic Martin, a 33year-old

resident
of
Martinez, GA was arrested
on
Wednesday
for
trespassing and disorderly
conduct. His wife, Georgia
Martin, returned home
early from work on
Wednesday to find a man
she did not recognize,
cleaning
the
master
bathroom.
It wasnt just the
master bathroom, Mrs.
Martin told reporters.
Both laundry machines
were running and there
was a basket filled with
folded clothes. Thats
when I knew someone
broke into my home.
Mrs. Martin heard a
strange sound coming
from her bathroom. She
told police she walked in
and found a man, bent
over the bathtub.

His pants fell down

on his hips so I had a
straight shot of his
hairy.....you
know.....
Mrs. Martin stated.
She ran from the house
and used a neighbors
phone to call police. It
wasnt until they brought
him out in handcuffs that
she realized her mistake.
Hes never done
anything like this before,
she said, sniffling.
This kind of thing
happens a lot, said Dr.
Marita Bliss, a local
marriage counselor. Its
called a breakdown in
communication.
Mr. Martin told police
that he took the day off to
clean the house as part of
Mrs. Martins birthday
surprise. No charges were
filed.

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www.pilcrowdagger.com/subscriptions

Weather

Index

Hurricanes are heading

toward the US east coast.
Make sure you have your
readiness kits stocked:
coolers, ice, canned food,
water, gas, cash, batteries,
radio,
flash
lights,
generator, a good book,
insurance information, and
beer.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, August 30, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXVIII

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

Its
clear
that
entertainment
news
reporters are running out of
celebrity gossip to print.
Ive include myself in that
category as well. Every
time I see a magazine or a
post on Facebook, its the
same old thing. Josh
Duggar allegedly had sex
with a prostitute. Donald
Trump is rude and
unapologetic.
The
Kardashians are annoying.
Instead of crying tears of
boredom, I decided to
make a little game out of it.
With each report of Josh
Duggars alleged affair, I
spun around my stripper

pole used purely as an

aerobic workout and then
downed a shot of vodka.
Whenever Donald Trumps
name was spoken or a
reference of his hair was
made, I downed three shots
of tequila, pounded my fist
on the table and yelled,
Youre fired! But the
real fun came with Kim
Kardashian. Every time
she posted a selfie on her
Instagram
account,
I
chased a can of beer with
two shots of tequila and
one shot of rum. This
morning I woke up nude
on my neighbors porch. I
have no idea how I got
there. Thanks for the
hangover, Hollywood!

Sensitivity Conference
Continued from Page 1

never got past the cocktail

hour.
Complaints of meat
being served, alcohol,
shellfish, allergies, dislike
of the mountains, lack of
wi-fi and social media, use
of
gender-specific
pronouns, and a myriad of
other complaints from the
younger participants all
being seen as micro
aggressions on the part of
the conference organizers.

I dont get it, said

one manager participant,
If he didnt want to eat
the bacon-wrapped scallop,
then just dont eat it. No
one was beating him with
it. And why did he cry
when I referred to him as
him? None of these
things should have caused
the paralysis of the
conference.
The organizers are still
apologizing for the use of
the word paralysis in
case any handicapped
people were insulted.

Rants & Raves

Seriously, we are only 3
weeks into the school year
and the fundraisers are
starting already? No.
Allergies have kicked in
and have caused laryngitis.
So Im grumpy AND I
cant complain. GRRR.
Seriously!!!! Every week I
come to my shrinks
appointment
fifteen
minutes early and then

wait 40 minutes for him to

let me in. Today I was two
minutes late and he
cancelled my appointment
for a no-show? Im not
happy about this and
neither are my other
personalities!

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

In recent months weve

seen attacks on the media
that have ended in tragedy.
First, the massacre in Paris
at Charlie Hebdo and
recently with the murders
of a young TV reporter and
the camera man in
Virginia. Why? Because
the attackers felt shorted or
insulted or discriminated
against in some manner.
Perhaps, since Charlie
Hebdo is a satirical
magazine focusing on, and
bringing humor to, the
extremities in society,
there was an intentional
insult. Perhaps, because the
news reporter was a young
pretty girl rather than an
approaching middle-aged
man,
there
was
an
intentional slight from an
audience that prefers youth
and beauty. Still, what
would cause the reaction to
be life-ending? Why?
We are all for freedom
of speech and media and
our prayers go out to the
families of the most recent
victims. Perhaps, rather
than focus on curbing
speech, we should focus on
thickening the skin of our
children and teach them to
be less self-indulgent and
self-important.

Dear Mr. Farce,

Regarding the article
about the cost of the clean
up after the wedding
Im sick to death of what
we can no longer do. We
cant throw rice. We cant
throw bird seed. We cant
blow bubbles. Now we
cant
light
floating
lanterns. How about this
how about I fill floating
candles with rice and bird
seed and bubbles? How
do you like them apples?
- Mother of the Bride
Dear Mr. Farce,
I find your editorial,
published in last weeks
paper,
profoundly
disturbing. All vehicles
are issued with VINs and
license plate numbers.
Doesnt it concern you in
the least that that the
vehicles you inspected at
Mr. Hot Wheels garage
didnt have these two key
pieces of information?
An
absence
of
identification does not
prove innocence.
- Not Even Remotely
Convinced

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My neighbors are moving.
What if I dont like the new
neighbors?
- Nosy Nellie
Dear Nosy,
What if they dont like
you? Get over it.
Dear Monica,
Sometimes I think everyone is
looking at me. How can I be
less self-conscious?
- Mirror Mirror

Dear Mirror,
Get over yourself.
Dear Monica,
Ive had two cats for the
last five years. Last week, my
boyfriend moved in and told
me I had to get rid of my cats
because he doesnt like them.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Divided in Half
Dear Divided,
Flip a coin.

Sunday, August 30, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXVIII

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale
Various
lifesized concrete
statues for the
lawn
and
gardens. Diana,
Jesus,
Mary,
angels,
dogs,
rabbits,
frogs,
giraffes,
you
name it we got
it. Free delivery
and placement.
Mini
Cooper
radiator.
Respond to this
ad
in
the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.
3-bed,
2-bath
house in FL.
Price
reduced
until hurricane
season is over.

Wanted
Small lot or
space in back
yard to rent for 6
months to park
my tiny house
and big truck for
pulling it. Must
be allowed to
hook into your
plumbing
and
electricity
for
free.
Looking for a
staff.
Housekeeper, errand
runner,
cook,
scullery maid,
laundress, yard
man, gardener.
Stair lift. Tired
of
climbing
stairs.
Would
rather sit.

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
just
published their
6th issue and it
was by far the
absolute
best
issue to date.
Submissions for
the
October
issue close on
September 4th.
Get them in
now! The theme
is horror and
scary
stories.
Also, keep in
mind
the
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
swag
shop when you
start
your
Christmas
shopping!

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Sudoku

Octothorpe

2
Dagger

2
7

7
4

2
8

5
8

7
1
2

9
6

4
8

May 21 June 20

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22

You will be invited to join

in a new project. Have fun!

Aug 23 Sept 22

Dont move; renovate and

redecorate.

Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Time to take classes and

move forward in your
education.
Good luck has smiled at
you and you will come into
some money.
A surprise invitation will
allow you to meet new and
interesting people.
A new pet will enter your
life whether or not you
want one.

You will meet new

neighbors who share your
interests.
Your adventurous comes
out and youll have a great
time.
You get an unexpected
break and fortune heads
your way.

Dec 22 Jan 19

Your imagination is at risk

or running away with you.

Jan 20 Feb 18

A goal youve been trying

to reach will finally be met.

Feb 19 March 20

Acknowledgement for a
job well done finally comes
your way.

Cryptogram
Pursue your passion and live your dream.

- Katherine Logan

2
8

Answer in next weeks paper

Answer from last weeks puzzle