CHE AND THE MORNING SHOW

"Pilot"
A Podcast/Radioplay by
John Coyne

Second Draft

OPENING SEGMENT
CHE
So many texts are coming in through our
hotline.
MINDY
I know.
CHE
Its ridiculous.
MINDY
Oh, brother.
RAMEL
(snorts a line of coke)
AH I FEEL ALIVE.
MINDY
Ramel, did you just
CHE
Shhhh, let him
Just, let him do what he wants
RAMEL
I AM SO READY TO TAKE ON TODAYS HOTTEST
GOSSIP.
CHE
Well Ramel, we usually do the news first,
but RAMEL
A COUPLE BROKE UP. A COUPLE GOT BACK
TOGETHER. SOMEONE LOOKS FAT IN A BATHING
SUIT. I LOVE ALL MY CELEBS.
MINDY
Me too.
CHE
We all love celebs and radio here at
WTEZ. Speaking of which, Progressive has
a fun challenge for all our teen
listeners.
WITCH HUNT I
CHE (CONTD)
Progressive wants to send you and three
friends to Six Flags Great America.
(MORE)

2.

CHE (CONTD)
Just create a Vine or Instagram video of
you and your friends condemning people in
the area for practicing witchcraft. Be
sure to use #WTEZWitchHuntSweepstakes to
enter. Log on to wtez.com/progressive for
more information. Well be playing our
favorite witch hunt clips throughout the
week. Thats #WTEZWitchHuntSweepstakes.
Now thats Progressive.
MINDY
You know, Che, it makes me so happy that
we can help out some local teens who are
making a splash in their community.
CHE
Me too, Mindy.
RAMEL
And you know I aint never missed a
hanging!
Group laughter.
RAMEL (CONTD)
Im like: Get me front and center to see
this witch get what she /deserve
CHE
Uh - thats what he or she deserves,
Ramel. We cant discriminate in our
prosecution /of witches
RAMEL
Girl, why you gotta take the fun out of
everything?
CHE
Haha, thats right. Lets hear fromlets hear, um, about the weather!
THE WEATHER
SOME WEATHER GUY
Well let me tell you something, this
weather is happening! This is gonna be
some weather well have! Its gonna be
quite a week! Quite a week we have coming
up! Weathers gonna be all over the
place!
CHE
And hows our weekend weather looking?

3.

SOME WEATHER GUY

Gotta love the weekend! Looking forward
to that weekend weather!
RAMEL
Turn up for the weekend!
CHE
I need a weekend /right now!
MINDY
Lets have a weekend with weather!
CHE
Weekend weather! We - weeker! Weether!
Weather weekend!
Coked up group laughter.
SOME WEATHER GUY
All that weather!
RAMEL
See you know whats good, thats whats
good, the weekend flow.
CHE
Alright, Ramel, looks like we have to do
some music.
RAMEL
Again?
MINDY
Riiiiight, aha.
RAMEL
Fine.
MUSIC COUNTDOWN
RADIO VOICE
WTEZ Music Countdown.
A drum intro plays for five seconds.
RADIO VOICE (CONTD)
The WTEZ Music Countdown.
Pause.
CHE
Ramel,

4.

RAMEL
Huh
CHE
Talk about the music.
RAMEL
Oh. Yeah, music is nice, it got charts
and everything... Yung Papa is at the top
with his
You know, Yung Papa doing his... his
thing...
Music
MINDY
Music!
CHE
Matt Marks is on the charts!
Noises of approval.
MINDY
Matt Marks, you can do whatever you want
with me.
CHE
Im with Mindy on this one.
MINDY
I want your little beard all over my
Ramel does coke, laughs.
CHE
Thats enough, Mindy,
RAMEL
Then we got, whats her name? The one
with the
CHE
Boobs.
RAMEL
Right right right. Boobs got it goin on,
if you - if you into that stuff. Boobs
got a new album.
Music Radio. Music on the radio.
Elaborate metallic noise. Lots of swooshes and mechanical
beeping.
WITCH HUNT II

5.

The following is in phone quality audio:

TEENAGE GIRL #1
(demonically)
THE DEVIL IS INSIDE ME.
Other girls are hissing.
TEENAGE GIRL #2
TABITHA STEWART IS A WITCH!!!
Other girls chant Tabithas name in a hissing whisper.
MINDY
Wow, theyre really doing some/thing,
CHE
I know, theyre out there,
RAMEL
I just love their spirit, you know,
MINDY
Everyone says that all the kids are
slacktivists,
RAMEL
Noooooooo,
MINDY
But Im like, look at this! Look at these
girls.
CHE
Exactly, this is great. We love this. We
all do. Well, we gotta take a commercial.
Ramel does another line.
CHE (CONTD)
More current events after this. Dont go
anywhere.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SIMPLE VOICE
There are many different types of meat.
Juicy meat, tender meat, fresh meat. But
they all share one thing in common: They
were scraped from the carcass of a
delicious dead animal.
(MORE)

6.

SIMPLE VOICE (CONT'D)

Here at Arbys, all of our sandwiches are
piled high with parts of juicy dead
animals who left this world on the
warehouse floor, screaming for a chance
at the life that was stolen from them.
Mmmmmm. Try our new delicious Mega Murder
Sandwich, with mammal flesh stacked upon
mammal flesh, topped with our creamy
bovine labor cheese sauce and E. Coli
lettuce. Only at Arbys. We have the
meats here.
VAGUELY EUROPEAN SEXY
VOICE
Fashion. Cosmetics. Shoes. Lingerie. Shop
at the Oakbridge Mall to feel fully
alive. Shopping will cure your
depression. Shopping will cure your penis
envy. Shopping will make you look
younger. Shopping will make you feel like
a woman. Shopping will revitalize your
husbands pathetic diminishing libido. At
the Oakbridge Mall.
PHIL COLLINS DUI
VOICE
WTEZ in the Morning with Che Parker.
CHE
So its all over the news, everyones
talking about it, we all know
RAMEL
UGH I am SICK of him
CHE
Teen sensation Phil Collins charged with
his 23rd DUI Last night in LA California.
MINDY
Wow.
CHE
I know.
MINDY
Just wow.
CHE
Youre telling me.
RAMEL
When will he learn?

7.

CHE
And just like usual, he did it in a
Japanese pilot uniform from World War II
and clown makeup.
RAMEL
Well duh.
CHE
Just keeping our viewers up to speed.
Mindy outbursts with hysterical laughter, its unnerving.
Beat.
MINDY
Up to speed! Speed! Like... heheh.
CHE
Suzanne from Lakeville, what do you think
of Phil Collins latest stunt?
SUZANE FROM LAKEVILLE
I think its absolutely disgusting.
MINDY
Yeah.
SUZANE FROM LAKEVILLE
No, I think that Phill Collins shouldnt
be allowed to
You know he shouldnt be allowed to do
this any
CHE
Ooh, Im sorry, Suzanne from Lakeville,
but we cant say that on the air.
MINDY
I dont get it, why cant we say (the
sound of a baby saying BAH!) on the
air?
CHE
I think it just gets censored out
automatically, actually.
MINDY
BAH!
BAH!
RAMEL
What does it replace it with?

8.

MINDY
BAH!
CHE
Hm. Phil from Arbor Nest, youre on the
line.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Let me tell you something, Che, - by the
way, love the show, first time listener,
long time caller, - I got a bone to pick
with Collins.
RAMEL
Phil from Arbor Nest got a bone to pick.
Mhm.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
I got a - I know a lot of great people in
the clowning business and this does not
look good for their publicity, I I I mean
a lot of clowns look at this and say,
Hey, this isnt the guy we should be
letting doing our, ah, letting
CHE
I get what you mean, Phil from Arbor
Nest.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Letting do our
RAMEL
I love Phil from Arbor Nest!
CHE
Phil from Arbor Nest, you just won our
Caller of the Year award.
Caller of the Year music.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Oh wow, I uh, I really did, huh?
MINDY
Yeah, wow.
RAMEL
Phil from Arbor Nest, we get a lot of
callers on our show,
MINDY
Yeah

9.

RAMEL
But none of them can even hold a candle
to you, Phil from Arbor Nest. You really
are something special.
CHE
Phil from Arbor Nest, we are sending you
the deed to our studio right now. You own
us now, Phil from Arbor Nest.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Gee, ah... thanks, but I dont
RAMEL
No words, Phil from Arbor Nest, no words.
Master.
Music stops.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Not gonna lie, youre, ah,
MINDY
Yeah.
PHIL FROM ARBOR NEST
Youre kinda creeping me out a little
now.
CHE
We love you, Phil from Arbor Nest.
Pause.
CHE (CONTD)
Phil from Arbor Nest?
No answer.
CHE (CONTD)
Phil? From Arbor Nest?
MINDY
We have to let him go, Che. Let Phil from
Arbor Nest go, back to Arbor Nest. Its
where he belongs.
CHE
But
RAMEL
If you love him, let him go. If he
returns, he... probably wants to talk
about Phil Collins some more.

10.

CHE
Youre right guys, I just...
Beat.
CHE (CONTD)
Alright! Who are those celebs that just
get under your fingernails? Jill from
West Oak Hills?
JILL FROM WEST OAK HILLS
I hate Matt Marks.
RAMEL
SHUT UP. /GET OUT OF HERE.
MINDY
Who do you think you are?
RAMEL
YOU DONT OWN ME.
CHE
Oh, you made Ramel upset
MINDY
No, no
RAMEL
I WILL MAKE A MASK OUT OF YOUR FLESH,
JILL FROM WEST OAK HILLS.
CHE
Come on, lets just hear her...
outrageous views out. What are we if we
dont have open minds to this... filth?
JILL FROM WEST OAK HILLS
I mean, he thinks hes all British,
MINDY
HES IRISH
RAMEL
WE HAVE YOUR ADDRESS, JILL FROM WEST OAK
HILLS
MINDY
DO YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, JILL FROM WEST
OAK HILLS?
CHE
Whoa ho!!!

11.

RAMEL
JILL FROM WEST OAK HILLS, WE WILL WEST
OAK KILL YOU
CHE
Kill Jill
MINDY
You cant even, like, we cant
JILL FROM WEST OAK HILLS
Matt Marks is a little bug-eyed British
freak and you know it.
She hangs up.
CHE
Wow! Some people, huh?
RAMEL
She really got me tight. Matt Marks is SO
close to my heart. Hes got it all going
on for being a musician today,
MINDY
Mhm
RAMEL
The beard,
Long pause.
CHE
Matt Marks is great. All of todays Top
40 Musicians are great! All of
yesterdays Top 40 Musicians were great!
All of tomorrows Top 40 musicians will
be great! Except Phil Collins.
MINDY
Ooh.
RAMEL
Phil Collins should get deported.
CHE
We have time for one more caller. Turn
from Deer County, youre on the air.
RAMEL
Turn?
TURN FROM DEER COUNTY
Turn, from Deer County.

12.

RAMEL
Like thats your real name?
TURN FROM DEER COUNTY
Yeah.
RAMEL
Haha, bye.
CHE
You said it, Ramel.
MINDY
Yeah.
CHE
Alright, we have to go to commercial.
When we come back, more
#WTEZWitchHuntSweepstakes contestants,
dont go away. Im begging you. Were
nothing without you.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
RADIO VOICE
Playing todays top money commercial
advertisement give us more money songs,
media is owned by the Jews, this is WTEZ,
Franklin.
SOOTHING VOICE
(starting off deep, then
tapering to a whisper by the
end)
Dont you just love Toyota? Isnt Toyota
just the best? Cant you picture
yourself, driving in a Toyota right now?
Come on, do it. Close your eyes, and just
imagine yourself in a big, warm Toyota.
Isnt that great? The car is very big and
it goes so fast down the road, which is
built for big cars to go fast on. Nice
big cars. Like your big Toyota. Theres a
perfect breeze coursing through your
hair. You feel alive. Your favorite song
is playing on the radio and you have
never felt better, thanks to Toyota. Well
would you look at that. You have an
erection. You love Toyota. You love your
big Toyota. You love Toyota. You love
Toyota. We love Toyota. Toooooooyota.
Tooooooyyyyyota. Wow.

13.

TEEN VOICE
Are you old? Then maybe, I dunno, you
should stop being so old. Loser.
OFFICIAL VOICE
The following is an important medical
announcement: Attention all parents: Has
your son taken Oxyphedirol? Is he
developing big ol titties? If you
answered yes to both, you may be entitled
to significant compensation. Oxyphedirol
has been linked in several clinical
studies to causing a big calamity in the
mammaries of young men. If your sons
soft flappy ones are squirting milk all
over the place, call 1-855-BIG-TITS for a
free consultation regarding your sons
love pillows. Several claims about the
lukewarm sweater meat of young men have
already been settled. Your son does not
have to live with his bouncy flesh
puppies for a day longer. Just call 1-855BIG-TITS. Not an attorney spokesperson.
WITCH HUNT III
The following is in phone quality audio:
TEENAGE GIRL #1
THROW HIM INTO THE ROUND WITCH PIT
TEENAGE GIRL #2
THE PIT WHICH WE HAVE BUILT FOR THE
WITCHES
TEENAGE GIRL CHORUS
Down to the pit. Down to the pit. Take
him to the pit. The witch pit.
Che pauses the video.
CHE
Listeners, the lead girl, who denounced
the first witch, is wearing only a
headdress made of twigs and leaves, and
is waving a phonebook above her head.
Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you
know whats going on.
He pressed play.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
#WTEZWITCHHUNTSWEEPSTAKES!!!

14.

TEENAGE GIRL CHORUS

Six Flags, Six Flags, Six Flags, Six
Flags.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
LETS SEE WHOS NEXT.
Ramel pauses the video.

RAMEL
Oh, her little phonebook is her book of
witches! How adorable!
CHE
Thats impressive, most kids these days
dont even know what a phonebook is.
MINDY
Yeah, wow.
CHE
That sweepster is gonna burn at the
stake! Sweepstakes! Sweepster! Like
brooms? Sweeps?
Mindy snorts a line of coke.
MINDY
YEAH! WHOS READY FOR THE WEEKEND?!?
CHE
GOTTA LOVE IT. GOTTA LOVE THE WEEKEND.
Che does a quick sniff as well.
RAMEL
You guys,
MINDY
IM GONNA GO TO
IM GONNA GO TO DES MOINES.
CHE
On your weekend?
MINDY
Wooo! On the weekend!
RAMEL
Guys, I found something -

15.

CHE
Ramel, what are you doing on your
weekend?
MINDY
Ramels going to Oakbridge!
CHE
Better get there...
CHE & MINDY
FOR THE WEEKEND!!!!
RAMEL
YOU GUYS.
Ramel plays phone video.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
WITCH #440: MATT MARKS.
TEENAGE GIRL #2
HE NEEDS TO PERISH.
TEENAGE GIRL CHORUS
Little beard man. Little little BAH!
Little beard man. Little little BAH!
TEENAGE GIRL #1
GET IN THE PIT!
Ramel pauses the video.
Beat.
CHE
What have we done.
MINDY
I know. Matt /Marks.
CHE
We have created a
What are those things, where mass
hysteria and mob mentality drive people
to accuse innocent people of things,
RAMEL
A witch hunt?
CHE
Yeah.

16.

MINDY
Youre right, it kinda... it sorta does
look like one of those. Wow.
CHE
Wow.
Very long pause.
RAMEL
At least we can reflect on this and
Che inhales an insane amount of coke.
CHE
Well, thats all the time we have left
today, tune in tomorrow for more radio
with us!
End.