Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXI

A Squirrels Revenge
By A. Marie Silver

Last week, we reported

on a story regarding Ms.
Sandra Squirrel and her
recent eviction from the
attic she called home for
years. A few days ago, we
learned that Sandra took
back her attic, bringing
with
her,
long-time
boyfriend Samuel Squirrel
(no relation).
Its high time these
humans learn who theyre
dealing with, said Ms.
Squirrel. I will not go
quietly!
This was my
home first. The humans
will either deal with it or
leave!
Howie Home Inspector
was left baffled by the
home takeover.
Its not normal, he
said. Normal is when you

relocate these critters and

they stay away.
Ms. Squirrels return
isnt the worst of it. In
protest
against
her
eviction, squirrels all over
the Annapolis area are
taking rebellion.
Sly Squirrel, head of
the local Squirrel Union is
rumored to be organizing a
takeover of attics all over
the metropolitan area to
include Washington D.C.
and Baltimore.
I dont think these
humans have any idea how
outnumbered they are,
said Sly. Maybe its time
we show them.
Pest control experts are
teaming up all over the
area,
encouraging
homeowners
to
be
prepared for an invasion.

Deceased Bear Found

By Snoop Cubby

After a nearly two

week investigation that
sparked a neighborhood
search and rescue for Mr.
Fonzi, P&D is proud to be
the first newspaper to
report that Mr. Fonzi has
been found though not
returned. And while some
people were concerned
that
Mr.
Fonzis
companion, five-year-old
Julie Muffit was to blame
in both his death and
disappearance, the real
culprit has been found.
We knew he was
spending a lot of time
alone in his house, said
Montana Alexander. It
was a little unusual for
him, but we didnt think
anything of it.

Ms. Alexander told us,

in an exclusive interview,
that her loving and faithful
dog, Rufus, had been
spending more and more
time in solitude. She grew
concerned and, while
Rufus was out for his daily
walk, searched his house.
Pieces of a stuffed bear
were found on the floor
inside. Ms. Alexander
contacted the local police
department. An official
autopsy confirmed the
remains belonged to Mr.
Fonzi.
The Muffit family has
been notified but as of this
report, they have not
issued
an
official
statement.

New VW Microbus Angers Some

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Volkswagen confirmed
they are going to re-release
the iconic VW Microbus.
First produced in the
1950s, the bus has a long
history of production into
the 1970s when Germany
moved the production of
the bus to Brazil. In 2013
production was stopped
because they no longer
met safety standards.
While every flowerchild of the 1960s and 70s
is excited to see their
beloved busses return,
some of the died-hard
hippies
are
a
little
perturbed.
In an effort to recreate
the hippy-van, engineers
and designers called on the
very people who could
guide them hippies. The
difficulty they face is
combining the original
features
with
todays
requirements.
We worked hard
trying
to
coordinate
sometimes
conflicting
designs,
said
Mark
Marcus an engineer for
Volkswagen. And some
of our, um, advisors, were
a little muddled in their
descriptions. Our team got
the impression that many

of
them
made
modifications
and
customizations to them
which is fine but we were
looking for the original
design.
New
environmental
and safety requirements
call for fuel efficiency,
clean exhaust, seat belts,
anti-locking
brake
systems, and airbags.
Creature comforts the
younger generations are
accustomed to such as
electric windows, six-way
adjustable front seats,
GPS, and cup holders.
I think its wonderful
that they are bringing back
the
Microbus!
said
Amber Moon. My parents
had one. I was conceived
and born in it during a year
they followed the Grateful
Dead.
Other
positive
comments of the prototype
models relate to the new
electric engine concept so
it will run clean and quiet
and
the
minivan-like
interior, excellent for
family trips with storage
capabilities. Something I
would feel good about
taking my children in to go
to the beach, commented
Continued on Page 2

Weather

Index

Days
are
getting
shorter and soon the
autumnal equinox will be
here. Thats where the
length of the daylight
hours and the night hours
are, you know, equal.
After that its all downhill
unless you are a vampire
or a writer. Then longer
night is a good thing.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, September 20, 2015 Page 2

Happenings

Volume II Edition XXXI

Microbus

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Blabby Rumor

Continued from Page 1

By Sham Farce

So, yesterday was

International Talk Like A
Pirate
Day.
Aarggh,
Mateys! Every September
19th people from around
the world participate and
have a grand time, dressing
up and talking like pirates.
Krispy Kreme gives away
donuts for coming in in
pirate garb and giving a
good Yarr. In 1995 John
Baur and Mark Summers
started talking like pirates
and emailed this fun thing
to do to Dave Barry the
columnist who liked it and
the rest is history. Rumor
has it that this will
eventually be a holiday to
mark the autumn holiday
season.
The second Republican
debate happened last week.
That was a good time had
by all. Although the first
hour was all about the
moderator saying he said
this about you, what do
you want to say about him
which is so middle school,
eventually some issues
were discussed. Rumor has
a Fiorina/Rubio ticket or a
Rubio/Fiorina ticket once
all is said and done.
Rumor has it Pilcrow &
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for Nov/Dec
and January 2016!

one young mother. And all

rear seats do come
equipped with the latch
system for securing child
seats.
Even with all the
comforts
and
safety
features there are those
who are not happy with the
new microbus.
Man, I dont know.
An electric engine? Where
do you plug it in at a
concert or camping in the
woods? questioned one
gentleman.
No ashtray or lighter?
Dude, where do I put my
roaches and how do I light
my joint? asked another.
Can I disconnect the
airbags and controls to the
seats so I can take them out
and put in a hot tub?
Man, we dont need a
GPS. Its about the
journey,
not
the
destination. Besides, thats
how they track you.
Others
expressed
concerns about the lack of
8-track
players,
the
inclusion of USB ports,
and the missing signature
microbus rattle. Everyone
polled, however, were in
favor of the cup holders.
Designers are still
working to make everyone
happy.

What is it about the

upcoming holidays that
send retail stores into a
frenzy?
Its
only
September and already the
aisles in every store are
alternating in between
selling
Halloween
merchandise
and
Christmas
merchandise.
Two days after Christmas,
the aisles will be filled
with plastic flowers and
heart-shaped
candies,
reminding consumers that
Valentines Day is two
months away. Then there
are the four seasons. If you
want a winter coat, you
have to buy it in July. If
you want a swimsuit, you
have to buy that in
December. Cant we sell
seasonal items during the
appropriate season?
I
hereby
propose
that
Congress enforce a law
that says retail stores have
to wait for the actual
month of the holiday
before they can start
selling the merchandise.
The same goes for seasonal
clothes.
Winter
coats
should be sold during the
winter months. Swimsuits
should be sold during
spring
and
summer
months.

Rants & Raves

To my loving son - Please
dont play in your pee
anymore. It was cute when
you were three, but doing
it at 30 years old, makes
mommy nervous.
Attention Neighborhood
Kids! The next time you
leave your bikes in my
parking spot, Im going to
run over them....a lot!

Dear School Board You

receive a portion of the
taxes I pay when I shop,
work, and live in my
house. So, why are the
schools doing fundraisers
for standard equipment and
supplies? What do you do
with the money? Do I have
to balance your check book
too? Five fundraisers in six
weeks? Really?

Dear Mr. Farce,

Regarding the Tech
Glitch
article
on
9/13/2015, I dont know
what is the more disturbing
of the items highlighted in
that article. First, no one in
the
shipping
industry
noticed that suddenly no
one was requesting overnight shipments. That
would be strange, wouldnt
it? Im sure, since the
glitch was within the
shipping servers that the
customers were paying for
the over-night option and
still, no one in the shipping
industry noticed a disparity
between income and time?
I dont like that there are
hackers who can just go
into a server and mess with
stuff. Why? What is the
purpose
for
slowing
shipments? And finally, I
am disturbed that a day or
two delay in getting your
objet dart would stress
anyone out. Seriously?
There are people out there
so focused in getting what
they want NOW that they
stress out when they cant
or dont get it? Thats a
real thing? Sounds to me
like a tantrum from an
overgrown toddler. Just
sayin.
- Mat Ture

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
I want desperately to
write to you but I have
nothing to ask and no
comment to make. How do
I get your attention?
Sincerely,
Scott Stalker

Dear Monica,
My son brought home is
math homework and asked me
for help. I really wanted to
help him, but I couldnt
understand the problems.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Not a Math Mommy

Dear Stalker,
Its called a restraining
order for a reason! Stop
contacting me, freak!

Dear Mommy,
If a tree is on a train,
driving at 50 miles per hour,
how long will it take for the
advice columnist to come up
with a logical response?

Sunday, September 20, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXI

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale
Vintage
rock
and roll concert
posters. Relive
your
teenage
years. $150 ea.
Special soaps
vegan,
gluten
free,
organic.
Safe for washing
your mouth out.
Collection
of
wine bottles $15
ea. Perfect for
candle holders
or other crafts.
All with original
corks and labels.
Look in the
recycle bin.
FREE
horse.
Saddle,
tack,
shoes,
feed,
stable fees, vet
check-up, training not included.

Wanted
Cat litter buckets
full or empty
doesnt matter.
Ask for Dooms
Dayer
Books
on
fermentation,
brewing,
and
stills. Ask for
Dooms Dayer.
Looking for old
wood or coal
burning stove,
authentic
ice
box, twin-basin
farmers
sink,
and hand water
pump. Ask for
Dooms Dayer
Looking for an
accordion and an
accordion
instructor. The
ultimate
cool
instrument.

Real Estate
Tiny house for
sale. I bought a
pair of shoes and
out grew it. With
trailer.
House swap 3
bed/2 bath home
for studio apt.
Home
comes
with kids.
Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
seeking a sports
writer for the
Sunday paper.
Must be sassy,
satirical,
and
humorous.
Knowledge of
sports
not
necessary. No
pay, but you do
get a byline.

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

Sudoku

@ ?

&

? @

&
*
!

April 20 May 20

Your job sucks. Eat ice

cream.

&

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

Honesty is not always the

best policy. Hold your
tongue.
You see through the BS but
others cant. Take care of
the little guy.
You feel disappointed in
people. It could be you.
Indecision isnt all bad.
Look at your options
carefully.
Your energy will make
even the grumpy people
happy.
A demanding person will
test your patience. Have a
drink.
You will discover and
empowering path. Aim
high to reach your goal.
Dont listen to the gossip
even if its about you. Its
false and misleading.
A shy person wants to
know you. Make the first
move.
Visualize the improvements you want to make
then move forward.

&

& @

&

? @ #

&

? @

PROIDBIK FH ZNCU CGEXG DEXG

& @

TIB GNOI TNKI JRD QGIED RCB

&

&

@ #
:

You discovered a skeleton

in the closet of your
partner.

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

March 21
- April 19

Answer from last weeks paper

Dagger

Cryptogram
KNTB HI, HRA NDI N UBINLEBP
WAWWH, NBK UR NDI NZZ RJ
QGRUI CGR CEZZ UAFTEQ QR FI

UIXADEQH. -FZNXL UNT

Hint: B = N
Answer in next weeks paper