Swansea Sound by Geoffrey Clarke

Swansea Sound by Geoffrey Clarke

Swansea Sound
by Geoffrey Clarke

Swansea Sound

by Geoffrey Clarke

This novel is a work of faction, that means it is a combination of fact and

fiction. Any similarity to incidents, events, famous personalities, or places in this
book is either intentional, or otherwise haphazardly the product of the authors
imagination, so to speak. Resemblances to actual persons either dead or alive
are purely intentional, but the protagonist Watkin Davies, Mervyn Jenkins,
Watkins wife Diane, Cliff and others are imaginary, but probably induced
autobiographically in the authors mind by a process of the assimilation of ideas.
All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be stored in a retrieval system,
or reproduced in any way or by means, electrical, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise without the permission of the author.
The writer asserts his right as the author of this work.
The author recognises his sources as Ryan Davies and Ronnie Williams, Max
Boyce, Frankie Howard, Tony Hancock, Syd James, Spike Milligan, Eric Sykes and
Hattie Jacques, Harry Secombe, TT (Terry) Thomas, Jimmy Edwards, Tommy
Cooper, the fastest milkman in the West, Benny Hill, Ronnie Barker and Ronnie
Corbett, and that inimitable joke collector of all time Bob Monkhouse. Although
too risqu for the period, I have included some material from Les Dawson,
particularly about Watkin Daviess mother in law. Quite out of time, I have been
influenced, too, by Rhod Gilbert, the contemporary Welsh comedian and
broadcaster.
Congratulations are due to Sir Tom Jones, Dame Shirley Bassey and now to Sir
Gareth Edwards on his knighthood, June 2015.

Chapter 1.

Mervyn Jenkins from Dunvant, near Swansea, was a big, barrel-chested

Welshman with a round face, grey hair and a goatee beard that needed
trimming. He was corpulent, but not unfit. Married, with two boys, Ralph 15 and
Chris 13, he had been in the business of sound systems for a long time.
Business had been good for a while with installations of stands, stadium seating
and sound equipment, and he had been busy all week erecting a stand at a local
football club. By Saturday of that week, he needed to get the sound system
working properly at the Swans ground in time for the key match with Reading.
There ew are, Watkin, he said. Go down the Vetch Field and see to the sound
system at the Swans stadium.
But Im not on shift today, Merv he replied.
Never mind, Ill pay you extra, you jus go down the Vetch and work on them
loudspeakers.
Watkin Davies goes down to the stadium and spends the morning fiddling with
the loudspeakers on makeshift scaffolding put up the night before.
Dont get shaky on them planks, Watkin, the foreman cries out.
And Watkin carries on with the job regardless of the weak walkways and the
dodgy, thrown up scaffolding, the usual cigarette in his mouth.
Arthur Birtwhistle, a round faced jovial man, has the tea caf in a caravan trailer
parked at the back of the stands. Hes hoping to make a big hit from todays
match[W1] .
Get that urn ready by half-time, Edna.
O K, Arthur, she replies.
At the 45 minute whistle, hundreds of plastic cups of tea are ready from the
massive boiler and the huge, brown teapots. Pies, pasties, chips, pizza are all
sold in huge quantities to the pressing crowd of spectators.
At the end of the match, Arthur counts the takings. He has made a fortune from
selling tea, milk, sugar and boiling water in their thousands. He plans to buy a

hotel in Mumbles with the proceeds. Hes soon into the multimillionaire property
business in hotels and catering. He takes over the Langland Court hotel in
Mumbles at a knock down price.
The next job for Watkin the following Saturday is the stadium seating at Maerdy
rugby ground.
Mervyn gets a call from the Health and Safety inspector asking about the safety
of the stadium terracing that theyve put up and when you finish putting them
up wed like to inspect them, he says. Its just wooden boards from plywood and
not nearly strong enough to pass the inspection.
So Mervyn tells Watkin:
Go down to the Maerdy stadium and dismantle the stand at the field and take all
the plyboards over to Maesteg and put them up there.
Watkin does as he is told and goes over to Maesteg in the spare Swansea Sound
van and puts them up over there.
The inspector, a thin, wiry individual with large, prominent glasses, is bemused
to find there is no stand seating at Maerdy rugby stadium as planned, but does
not pursue the matter any further. I didnt find any structures youd put up at
the Maerdy ground, but I suppose youll get round to it, Mr Jenkins, he says over
the phone. Merv is once again one step ahead of the game, and can carry on in
the business of stadium seating and sound systems.
That night, the scaffolding boys and Watkin go out on a pub crawl for a few pints
of local bitter. They call at The Mermaid, The George, The Rock and
Fountain, The Beaufort Arms and the Swansea Jack. Watkin ends up pretty
squishy at home with his family, after collecting a number of souvenirs from
outside the Swansea Jack. He has a pub sign of the Swansea Jack, a red traffic
bollard, an old dogs blanket and a gate latch in the back of his dads Morris
Minor 1000 with wooden side panels.
His Dad says angrily:
What are these for Watkin? You were drunk, again, last night. Whats going on?
Oh, theyre only a few leftovers from the Maerdy rugby ground. Ill take them
back tomorrow.
'And on your twenty-first you were drunk. Ron Runcible and Nelly Nelson trashed
your bedroom and Ron smashed the chandelier at the Langland Court Hotel do,
didn't he? Nelly and that Gibson fellow were drunk and running round with an
inflated condom tied to the aerial on their car. We gave you the scope by going
out for the evening, and when we came back my Morris 1000 had been taken,
our bedroom furniture piled up in the passage and our dining room walls covered
with trifle. You were chucked out of a dance at the University that youd gate
crashed and one of the new members of your gang passed out, so you put him to
bed in Brynmill. I heard that you saw a van rocking a bit so you went and rocked

it a bit more, then you beat it back to your cars. Then you were off to Colins
place for a game of football in the Tudor Hall.'
'I know, Dad, but you're only young once. I bet you would'of done it when you
were young.'
And he gets away with it, once again.
The following morning Watkin shakes out of it and goes to a job for Mervyn on a
sound system at the St Helens Road stadium. Over a quiet pint in the
Cricketers at lunch time Watkin recalls the memories he had at the St Helens
ground.
Do you remember the time Garfield Sobers hit six sixes for Nottinghamshire
against Glamorgan? he asks his pals.
It was at the end of the season in the game against Glamorgan that the
Nottingham skipper, Sobers got into exciting, rumbustious form. Notts are 308
for 5 in their first innings, when Sobers decided it was time to get some quick
runs before declaring the innings and give his bowlers an opportunity to win the
match, Watkin recalls.
Malcolm Nash was the outmatched, county level player whose round the arm,
left handed bowling didnt even trouble the left-hander Garfield. He hit the first
few for sixes, with the third landing in a garden behind the pavilion. The fourth is
another big six. And then it looked as if he could go for the record of 36 runs in
an over. On the fifth ball he makes a terrific hit and is caught but dropped over
the boundary by Roger Davies for another six.
Watkin is one of the many spectators calling out for a six, because it lands
behind the boundary rope laid at the edge of the field just in front of him. The
last ball results in a final six and Watkin is jumping up with his hands in the air to
celebrate the historic record breaking achievement of Sir Garfield Sobers, as he
is later knighted by the Queen. His score of 36 runs in an over broke a 57-yearold record of 34 runs, held by Ted Alleston.
And Clive Lloyd scored the fastest double-century on record when batting for the
West Indians against Glamorgan in 76, Watkin recalls.
It was at the St. Helens ground that a ball travelled the furthest in history
eighty miles, Watkin recounts, finishing his jar.
A player had hit a ball beyond the stadium at the Mumbles Road end and it
landed, says Watkin, in a goods wagon travelling on the LNWR railway line
alongside the Mumbles Road.
The Llanelly Railway, supported by the LNWR, opened a single line from
Pontarddulais to Swansea in 1866, Watkin explained.
Leaving the terminus at Swansea Victoria, the lines from the South Dock came
in from the left. with the Swansea and Mumbles Railway parallel to it, but

approaching Blackpill it crossed over the tramway on a stone bridge and turned
North, Watkin recounted.
It carried on to the Clyne river, with views of the Clyne Lake, Killay, under the
arches to Dunvant, passing alongside the Dunvant Arms pub he said. Departing
Gowerton, it bridged the GWR main line and the Afon line, now all abandoned or
turned into cycle lanes, regretted Watkin with a sigh.
Watkin was like a guidebook when it came to details of the sporting events hed
seen with Swansea Sound Systems. Watkin told the group at the Cricketers
that on 10 April 1954, the St. Helen's field held its last international against New
Zealand. The burly, huge farmers from the North Island brushed aside the short,
wiry Welshmen and scored a massive victory. Watkin had been at the match as a
schoolboy in a midweek game bunking off from school, and had been amazed at
the speed and power of the All Blacks quarter backs and wings.
Their forwards were like Amazons and could ruck the Welsh boys out of the way
with ease, he said.
Itd been a reminder to Watkin to develop himself physically as a player. I must
work on my abs, my thighs, my biceps and my five-pack, Watkin says. To never
again experience such an humiliation from New Zealand, Watkin explains.
They had wanted to keep Welsh international rugby at the St. Helens ground and
Mervyn Jenkins erected four floodlight pylons at the ground to try to influence the
Welsh RFU to keep playing internationals there.
The last international game was in that year, 1954, Watkin regretted.
There were even tennis matches on rare sunny days at the pavilion end of the
ground on the grass court prepared specially on the cricket pitch area in front of
the 70-odd steps leading to the clubhouse. Fifteen love, thirty love, forty love,
Deuce, Vantage, Game etc were the terms that Watkin learnt as a youngster who
with his Mum, Dot, a former nurse who was a great tennis fan, followed the
matches played out there on the sandy grass.

Swan Swan Swan sea sea sea All All All Whi Whi Whi ites ites ites again again
again st st st Nea Nea Nea
Watkin is in the commentary box of the Neath rugby ground at the Gnoll trying to
fix the sound system thats in a cabin at the top of the stadium, right at the back
of the cloisters. The microphone is on and Watkin, and his mate Cliff, are
adjusting the sound level to bring it down to normal. He carries on not realizing
that the mic is still on.
Merv is a twat twat twat Hes not payin payin payin us enough. He needs to
get his act to to to gether gether gether, stutters Watkin.
Cliff. Dyou know my favorite place of all he asks. (All on the open mic.)

No. Whats that, Watkin?

Watkin, a strong Neath supporter, replies.
Well, its Fforestfach. Cos theres a sign there that says:
Llanelli 9. Neath 12
Have you heard this one?
A ref comes on to the field and immediately sends a player off for deliberate
handball, Watkin continues.
Ref. You dont know what youre bloody doin, the player shouts.
They all say that, the ref replies. OK boys; scrum down, he says.
Ryan Davies makes an appearance at the Top Rank in Swansea with his oppo,
Ronnie Williams. The doorman stops him and asks him for his ticket.
My face is my ticket, Ryan says.
What happened next? Ronnie Williams said.
He punched it.
By now the rugby crowd are falling about laughing, and Watkin has made himself
into a standup comedian in front of the home side against the All Whites.
Later this evening were goin to the Neath Fair continues Watkin on mic.
Im goin to fix up the sound for the boxing booth. Im gonna see the bearded
lady and the bare knuckle fightin. I want to ave a go on the dodgems and try
my luck on the oopla stall. We might end up with a few jars at the Castle Hotel,
and I might even get lucky.
Watkin. The sound is still on, Mun.
Oh God, panics Watkin and hastily switches off the mic.
The Neath Fair is an event which usually starts in the town centre on the second
Wednesday of September every year, but in those days it was held on the
recreation grounds on the Gnoll Park Road, Watkin explains to Cliff. Before
becoming the Victoria Gardens, the land on which it now stands went through
many functions. It was owned by Henry John Grant, the occupier of Gnoll House,
a ruined former aristocratic home in the Gnoll Woods above the town, he
informs him.
The Fair lasted four days and covered the whole of the Rec with attractions like
the lions, the merry-go-round, sideshows and booths for various shows such as
the two headed sheep and the genuine African Zulu.

Roll up Roll up! announces the M. C. that evening over the loudspeakers hastily
erected by the boys from Swansea Sound at the boxing booth.
Wholl take on Jim Davies in a three round match, no holds barred and bare
knuckles?
Cliff steps up to the ring. They spar around for a bit and then Cliff throws a
punch. Davies parries with his forearm and counterpunches Cliff on the chin in
two quick jabs. After another wild lunge at the champ, Cliff is cut under the eye.
Theres red blood everywhere on his face. Swooning and swaying under a
barrage of knuckle punches Cliff is knocked out by Davies in the first sixty
seconds of the bout.
Next. Next! Calls Watkin.
And another hearty from the crowd steps up, only to be defeated in the first
round by a barrage of expertly aimed punches to the chest and head that cause
the champ no apparent effort.
The boys limp home after one or two at the Castle Hotel and then a final
nightcap in the large, smoke filled, front lounge at the Mackworth back at
Swansea High Street.

At the Swansea Uplands rugby field in Killay on the way to Fairwood Common,
with one shaky trumpet-shaped speaker hanging from a telephone pole, Watkin
goes over to see to the tannoy.
Merv says: Get that tannoy system fixed by one oclock.
But Watkin can only think about Diane who he has met the night before at the
dodgems. She is a twenty one year old blonde with pretty eyes and shiny,
waved hair, tied up by an elastic band in a pony-tail. She was wearing a pair of
blue jeans and a tight top that emphasised her figure. Watkin thinks hes in love
and spends the morning dreaming about her and wondering how he can arrange
to meet her again.
Merv gets Watkin on the phone at the club and warns him that he wants the
loudspeaker fixed ASAP, but there is a small bar at the club and Watkin has
ensconced himself on a bar stool with a pint glass of Felinfoel best bitter.
Have you heard the one about the famous lecturer? he asks the barman.
He gave a lecture on sex explains Watkin taking a pull of his pint.
My idea is, intones the professor that the more often you have sex, the happier
you are. Now to test out my theory Im going to ask members of the audience
how often they have sex.
Can those who have sex every night put up their hands.

A large crowd of happy, smiling, jovial people put up their hands.

OK. That seems to prove my point, but to test it out; can I ask how many people
have sex twice a week?
A good number, but smaller amount of people put up their hands. They were
not quite so smiley and happy.
So just to make sure; how many have it once a month? And a smaller group of
less cheerful and even dowdy persons indicated in the positive.
Right. This seems to support my argument, but to be absolutely sure, let me
ask how many people have sex once a year?
And this badly dressed, unshaven man in a mackintosh at the back starts
laughing and jumping up and down and gesticulating and shouting with his
hands up in the air.
Whats this? asks the professor.
Tonight! Tonight! the man screams.
The barman finds it very funny and congratulates Watkin on his splendid joke.
The following week Watkin meets Diane at the Albert Hall cinema in Craddock
Street. Shes late for a seven oclock date, but Watkin doesnt mind, because
hes really keen on her. She turns up in a light grey coat in nylons and high heels
wearing a knitted red dress that emphasized her figure, her blond hair worn
down. You look smashing, Watkin says.
They manage to find a couple of seats in the back row of the stalls where Watkin
soon puts his arm around his new girlfriend and gets up nice and close.
Stop it, Watkin, she protests rather feebly.
And Watkin goes on trying to get the kisses that hes been yearning for since he
met her in the dodgems where she was taking the money. She looked
completely different from that day when dodging the dodgem cars in a pair of
blue jeans, flashy red gym shoes and a skimpy top she had just seemed sassy
and energetic but a bit loud, as she called out to the drivers to pay their fare for
the dodgems.
She feinted a defensive blow to Watkin, but he responded quickly with another
hug. It ended up with Dianes makeup on his shirt and collar and a trace of her
crimson lipstick on his cheek.
See you next week at the Mumbles Pier ballroom for the dancing, eight oclock
on Saturday night.
Alright, Diane agrees warmly and Watkin strolls back home in a form of junior
ecstasy, the words of In the Summertime, ringing in his ears.

In the Summertime when the weather is high

You can stretch right up and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
You got women, you got women on your mind
Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find
If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal
If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel
Copyright: Broadley Music (International), Associated Music International Ltd.,
Imagem Music LLC D/B/a O.B.O. Nokawi Music
Watkin is at a sound job at the Langland Bay golf course above Langland Bay in
Mumbles. Hes showing off to his pals in the Swansea Sound van. Hes driving
around the golf course car park to impress all his pals with his newly acquired
driving skills. Watkin makes a swerving turn downhill. And the front wheel
comes off running away into the distance, ending in a round open storm drain.
Hole in One! he exclaims, totally bemused in front of his friends.
Ok. Ill fix up the van somehow before Mervyn finds out, he promises.
Later in the members bar room Watkin is up to his usual routines of a pint in
hand and a ready joke on his tongue. One of the jokes he always used to tell
goes:
The boys out courting with the girl
Take your hand off my knee
Thats not my hand, the boy says.
Thats not my knee. the girl replies.

Ha Ha Ha go the members in the bar room, getting accustomed to Watkins

standup comedy style.
Have you heard the one about the guy who goes out to buy fresh food at the
E.coli foodstore. They must have lost the n and the s at the end E. Colins,
right? I wouldnt eat anything there. Then theres the one about the 'Noodle
King restaurant where all the poufs go. Do you know the one about the guy who
went to an emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
Watkin tells the one about the Chinese restaurant. A local Welsh guy goes back
to the Chinese to complain about his chicken chow mein.
Yes, Sir. Can I help you? Whats the matter with our westauwant food?
This chicken is rubbery, says the customer.
Oh. Thank you vewy much, Sir. Thats vewy kind of you. Watkin mimics in his
inimitable Chinese accent pretending to be unable to pronounce his letter Rs.

Lets slip outside and get some fresh air, Watkin mentions suggestively to Diane
at the Mumbles Pier ballroom right at the beginning of the pier, the following
Saturday. They have danced a few foxtrots and waltzes to the strains of the
Cordonaires dance band with Mike Jones on piano and got rather warm in their
close embraces on the floor and off. To the tune of Blue Moon. I saw you
standing alone. Without a dream in my heart. Without a love of my own, they
stroll out into the warm evening air and descend down the steps to the little
sandy beach formed by the lee of the two islands at the Mumbles Head, with the
lighthouse on the outer island. Of course, the islands are only reachable at low
tide.
I love you, Diane Watkin murmurs. He puts his arms around Diane and kisses
her fondly. Her luminous, green ball gown revealing a fine pair of shoulders and
an ample bosom.
I only want marriage, Watkin. Im not interested in short term relationships. I
believe in wedlock, children, a house and all the rest of it. Youre only taking life
as a joke and youll never settle down.
Watkin, somewhat reluctantly, agrees and after a few passionate kisses they
wander back up the steps on the lovely summer evening with a cloudless sky
and only a few clouds left on Watkins horizon.
You look great in drag, Watkin, the Swansea Sound boys say, and Watkin, in a
three string pearl necklace, and his sisters bra and short blue ballet tutu goes
mincing into the Langland Court Hotel for a fancy dress dance the following
Saturday. Diane is not particularly pleased:
Watkin, I thought you told me you were going to be more serious about things in
future and work and save for us to settle down and get married.

At the interval of the dances, he goes from table to table showing off in his
sisters outfit. Watkin, youre a right pouf, one of his work colleagues retorts
and suggests Look Watkin youre overdoin it, right wus. Cut it out and get back
to your girlfriend. By now Watkins dark facial stubble is showing though his
thinly applied makeup, his eye mascara is running, his high heeled shoes are
broken, and he looks a sight for sore eyes.
On the way home to Brynhyfryd, in the Swansea Sound van, Diane says Im
disappointed in you, Watkin, you promised me you would grow up and become
more responsible. I could get a job in Lewis Lewiss department store which has
been advertised. My uncle knows Rosser Lewis, one of the managers there, and
he can get me the job and we could save some money.
OK. Ill work harder at Swansea Sound Systems and start saving for a mortgage
on our flat.
Watkin starts the six o'clock shift that finishes at two. They install a sound
system at the Victoria Road, Port Talbot ground. Do you want some extra money
for another work run, Watkin? asks the foreman.
OK, then. Off Watkin goes towards the Port Talbot football club again. The
thought of settling down with Diane is beginning to bug him, and hes strained
and worried about the financial issues and the responsibilities of a settled life
with her. The idea of taking on a mortgage is daunting, and he wonders if hed
rather just stay single; say bugger it and be one of the boys for the rest of his
life. Nevertheless, despite his reluctance, he decides to go for the extra overtime
to earn money for Diane. In a moment of tiredness and exhaustion, Watkin
decides to take a short cut down the Hafod and along the Tawe River into the
bottom of Wind Street. Hes driving the Swansea Sound truck and talking to Cliff:
This takes us along the Strand, one of the oldest riverside ports in Britain. This
dark and weaving road runs under the town, below High Street, and travels right
along the bank of the River Tawe, Watkin explains to Cliff, his mate on this trip.
Cliff goes Sure youre alright to drive, matey? You look done in to me
Sure. Sure.
Forgetting that there is a railway tunnel with a curved arch to pass under en
route, Watkin looks forward. There is a sign:
Danger. Low Bridge. 9 Feet 2 inches
There is the top of the arch. It seems high enough.
Ill try and pass under with the truck Watkin divines. What he doesnt
appreciate is that the curve of the arch has a narrow angle that is much lower
than at the top.
'Look out! Watkin, for fuck's sake' shouts Cliff but it's too late. He strikes the
corner of the bridge with some force, leaving debris and broken masonry

everywhere. The impact throws him and Cliff forward onto the windscreen.
Watkin looks through the clouds of dust and smoke wistfully and just spies his pal
smirking:
Tidy short cut, butty...
This lorry is a foot shorter now.
They stagger in to the local warehouse of Superdrug to get help.
Why eh, boys. Are you alright? asks a nearby warehouseman whos loading
boxes into a van.
Yes. Well be OK. Watkin says Would you like to buy some accident or life
insurance, I can arrange it easy? he continues joking.
Mervyn Jenkins was not too pleased with the damage to his van:
Im lucky Ive got fully comp on all my lorries, but if this happens again Ill have
to sack you, Watkin he explains, and Watkin breathes again thinking about his
mortgage.
Dai and his friend were walking along Aberdyberthi Street in the Hafod,
recounts Watkin at the bar of the Felinfoel, Llanelli rugby club shortly after the
accident. Watkin drives the Swansea Sound Systems van through the ironwork
gates at the entrance in Ynys Wen Road, Llanelli, the famed corrugated iron
home of Phil Bennett.
Dai and his friend are walking along chatting when, suddenly they see a man
lying on the ground, apparently incapacitated. Oh, God. Whatre we goin to do,
asks Dai.
Wed better phone the cops, says his friend.
OK, so Dai gets on the phone and dials 999.
What service do you require? asks the operator.
Ambulance, please, replies Dai.
What is your name?
Dai Davies.
What is your date of birth?
20 June 1957.
Where are you located?
Aberdyberthi Street in the Hafod.
How do you spell that?

Dai thinks for a minute and starts to spell:

A B E Oh bugger it. Lets drag him into New Street. Its easier to spell
Watkin carries on with the patter and the work seems to fade into the
background. A transducer, he explains, is a device what converts energy from
one form into another and an amplifier is a device that takes a signal and
increases its power.
Do you know the ones about the Cardis from Cardiganshire? Watkin asks the
barman and an assembled crowd of drinkers.
You know the Cardis have got this terrible reputation for being stingy, mean and
calculating over money. Well this night, one of the Cardi boys is out on the
town. The ladies of ill-repute always waited sitting down on the steps of St
Illtyds church, and they wrote the price in chalk on the soles of their shoes
where they could be seen by the passers-by.
Our Cardi boy goes up to one of the ladies and explains ''If you do it by the Cardi
method, Ill pay you.
What do you mean Cardi method?
Yes, I need to do it the Cardi way.
Look, boyo, Ive been with a lot of men, but Ive never heard of the Cardi
method, she continues.
No. No. Unless you do it by the Cardi method I wouldnt go with you.
O K, then. Ill do it for half price, if you insist on your Cardi method.
Got it! the Cardi exclaims.
You know the reputation of the Cardis as being mean and sheep shaggers and all
that Watkin continues.
So what do you call a Cardi whos in charge of 39 sheep?
A shepherd.
Lets go out to Rons Rendezvous in Limeslade next week, Diane suggests.
Theres a jazz group with the Ken Colyer Jazzmen and we can jive.
O K agrees Watkin.
Diane and Watkin do a great jive at the concrete, cliff top venue and Diane is
wearing her red rubber gym shoes that she wears on the dodgems. Shes in a
pony tail and jeans and looks fit and energetic, carrying on dancing after all the
others are exhausted. They dance to All the Girls Go Crazy About the Way I
Walk', dance slow time to Ken Colyers clarinet solo of 'Just a Closer Walk with
Thee' and go flat out to Maryland, My Maryland'. At the end of the evening,
Diane issues an ultimatum to Watkin:

Either we get married by next Spring or we can call it off.

At the Top Rank to see Bonny Tyler performing Total Eclipse of the Heart, Its a
Heartache, and Holding Out for a Hero

Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
Copyright: Sony/ATV Melody t
And, of course, Diane knows Gaynor Hopkins from Skewen as was, as they were
in school together in Llansamlet Secondary school. They go backstage after the
gig and share a champagne supper with Gaynor and her husband, Bob Sullivan,
who is a black belt and First Dan in Judo.
Lovely to see you again, Diane, says Bonny Tyler putting her arms around Diane
and giving her a good hug, while Watkin and Bob Sullivan shake hands warmly
and exchange a few of Watkins never ending jokes:
What dyou call a Swedish pop group in Wales, Bob?
Dunno.
Aber Watkin replies, taking a puff on his fag.

Knock. Knock
Whos there?
Lettuce Watkin says.
Lettuce who?Bob asks.
Lettuce in its cold outside.
Im playing away for my club, Dunvant RFC, against the London Welsh
Occasionals in Richmond London, Watkin tells Diane.
Oh, Wat, you said you were going to come and look at flats next Saturday, she
wailed.
No, No, Di Ill soon be back, its only for a day, and we can go looking for
accommodation for when were married after.
The boys travel to London, Paddington by train and get bus numbers 27 and 33
to the London Welsh Richmond rugby ground. The field, containing five pitches,
is lush and well tended, with a magnificent clubhouse that even serves dinners,
and they meet Clifford the Club Secretary who has been there since the year
dot. Hes almost better at jokes than Watkin and soon starts his patter:
We arent calling them the All Blacks this season.
We are calling them New Zealand.
New Zealand is a crappy little island in the South Seas Clifford continues,
giggling.
Of course it troubles me. If the All Blacks are Invincible, I mean, its obvious. If
we cant see them we cant beat them, Cliff argues.
After the match, won by the Welsh Londoners 21 to 3 (a try was three points in
those days) Watkin takes his shower, has a quick pint of Watneys cask bitter in
the clubhouse, and then the boys split up to attend various parties hosted by the
wives and girlfriends of the expatriate players. Theres plenty of booze and an
endless supply of fags, so Watkin has a good time and only just makes it to the
last train from Paddington at twenty-past midnight.
What have you been up to in London, Watkin? Did you go out with any of those
girls from the rugby club? I dont trust you, Watkin. Diane is moody,
temperamental and jealous and continues to be petulant for some time.
All I want is a home, a garden for the kids to run and play; perhaps save up for a
car and one day move to a bigger house. Its not a dream, Watkin, its just
normal life she carries on the next time they meet.
By now Watkin is feeling challenged, a little depressed, yet still determined to
create the dream home for Diane and their potential kids. He imagines a fine
house in Wimmerfield, Killay and a Ford Capri in the driveway, with every

Saturday taking the kids to the Cadle woods for adventures, or going to Brynmill
Park to visit the zoo. Perhaps I could set up my own business in sound systems,
now Ive a little experience in the trade. I could use my savings of four hundred
pounds to get the mortgage and put a deposit on a small flat at least, he thinks,
supping his beer in the Dunvant rugby club bar room, while Diane carries on with
her makeup in the ladies, and Dai Vaughan, the chairman, is busy cracking his
jokes.
Meanwhile, Diane has accepted an invitation from her boss at Lewis Lewis
department store, where she is now working as a sales assistant, to go flying in
his Cessna private aeroplane over to Cardiff and back for a joyride that he gives
to members of staff from time to time. Secretly, Cliff informs Watkin that he has
heard about the flight with Rosser Lewis, the Manager, and has whispered in his
ear that he needs to keep an eye on Diane in case she wanders.

Chapter 2.

After the stadium seating at Maesteg rugby ground collapses, fortunately without
any injuries, Mervyn insists that Watkin has to rush over to Maesteg to attend to
the planking and the hardboard runways to replace them with a better quality of
woodwork to meet the specifications that the Health and Safety officer had laid
down. Later on at the clubhouse Watkin continues with his usual patter:
'What do they do with teetotallers in Glasgow on Saturday night? They throw
them in to the pubs.
You know the crachach in Wales, they have their second holiday home in a
council house in Cardiff Bay.
Thats the crachach for you! They have low alcohol lager louts! Watkin
ploughed on, a fag in the corner of his mouth:
You know, thats the crachach. They even have a campaign for real champagne,
Watkin jokes.
My father was a late developer. I watched him grow up. I learned to walk before
he did, and I could smoke before he knew how to
I just bought a new convertible. Well, I converted it myself from a Ford Anglia,
he laughs clutching his beer in case of spilling it.
This motorist was explaining to the judge:
The pedestrian was running all over the place. He had no way to go. He wasnt
looking. So I run him over.
'The motorist told the judge, 'I knocked a man down. He admitted to me that it
was his fault. He'd been knocked down before.' People laugh quite well at that
one, too.
Lets go down the Tivoli Ballroom, Mumbles, and on the way we can call in at the
High Street casino for the roulette, laughs Watkin. You know, the one that Ron
McKay and Don Bateman have opened with the proceeds from their demob
money. So, the Friday evening Watkin escorts Diane to the casino and, with a
glass of Double Diamond for him and a Dubonnet for her, Watkin starts on the
tables. Ill go for red, Watkin smiles, sipping his drink.
No, black! Diane cries, her mouth full of Dubonnet.

Watkin still puts all the chips on the red and wins.
Ill go again, and he wins again.
This time the ball cant possibly fall on red. But, after a few agonizing clicks and
clunks, it does, and Watkin collects a hundred pounds. Third time lucky, Diane,
and Ill put the money with my savings of four hundred pounds as a deposit on
that flat above Dick Bartons fish and shop in West Cross.
Mr Brownleigh, can you arrange a mortgage on a flat in Mumbles? Watkin
enquires at the Provincial Building Society in the Kingsway.
Well, as youve got some regular savings with us, we could use your deposit of
five hundred pounds and give you a twenty-five year loan at twelve percent,' he
explains carefully looking at Watkin. 'You can borrow three thousand pounds, but
dont forget, Mr Davies, youll end up repaying over double what you borrow in
interest on the capital, and your home can be repossessed if you default on the
repayments. If you did discharge the mortgage in the first few years, there
would be serious financial penalties for doing so.
Ok, Ill go ahead, agrees Watkin, with a big lump in his throat and, after the
paperwork and formalities are completed, he goes out to a red public telephone
box in the street to relay the news to Diane, at Lewis Lewiss.

Try to put more paint on them rollers, Di Watkin calls out from the top of his
ladder where he is maintenance the frieze and fixing a picture rail on the newly
plastered wall of their new flat in West Cross. Alright, they have to enter by the
fish and chip shop, but once inside they are in the cocoon of a loving home,
newly set up for the young couple who want to make their way in life.
Wat, Im doing my best calls up Diane, whose top and jeans are all smeared in
paint from her exertions with the roller. Shes even got the lilac coloured
emulsion on her red gym shoes and the smell of the Dulux gloss and emulsion
paints is overpowering. Watkins Dad, who has also offered to help with the
maintenance, is finding the fumes from the paint distressing and decides to
return home, not feeling well.
Although hes worried about his Dad, Watkin keeps on joking.
Knock, knock.
Whos there? replies Di wiping some more paint from her cheek.
Honey bee.
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a luv and get me a coffee.

O K. Lets stop for a cup of coffee, then Wat Diane offers, and they pass into the
back kitchen where a strong pot of steaming coffee is soon bubbling away on the
stove.
Knock, Knock! repeats Watkin.
Who's there? Diane kids on.
Yacht!
Yacht who? asks Diane still rubbing paint from her face.
Yacht a know me by now! They fall about laughing, but Wat is too worried about
his Dad to go any further with Diane, as he was feeling like before Mr Davies had
arrived. Right, lets tidy up now and finish the work, and we can go out for a
meal somewhere, he says drawing Diane closer towards him and touching her
paint covered face with his fingers in order to bring home the point.
Watkin struggles to get to his next job which is at Stradey Park, Llanelli, the
famous home of the Scarlets. Llanelli have played in red since 1884 when they
played a game against a touring side from Ireland, Watkin informs Cliff. After
assembling the new sound system quite quickly now that the speakers are
getting smaller, Watkin settles down in the bar room of the club where he starts
his usual jokes routine:
Ianto, a furniture dealer from Pontypridd, decided to expand the range of
furniture in his store. So he decided to travel to Paris to see what he could buy.
After arriving in Paris, he visited some furniture makers and bought a range of
furniture he thought would sell well back home in Wales. To celebrate the newly
acquired line, he decided to visit a bar and have a glass of wine. As he sat
sipping his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded. He also
noticed that the other chair at his table was the only available seat in the caf
bar.
Before long, a beautiful, young Parisienne came to his table, and asked him
something in French (which Ianto couldnt understand). So he pointed to the
empty chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but
she didnt speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a paper serviette, drew a picture of a wine glass,
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After
sitting together at the table for a while, he took another serviette, and drew a
picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the cafe bar and found a quiet restaurant that featured a small band
playing romantic French music. They ordered dinner, and after that he took
another paper napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded,
and they got up to dance. They danced until the restaurant closed and the band
was packing up. Back at their table, the young woman took another serviette
and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.
And now Watkin delivers his punch line:

To this day, Ianto has no idea how she worked out he was in the furniture
business. It got quite a good laugh.
His next, Essex blonde, joke come riddle required a bit of imagination and
guesswork to work it out:
A few days ago Dave was having some work done at his local garage. An Essex
blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred and ten. They all looked at each
other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred and ten?
She answered You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it
and need a new one.'
She continued that she didnt know exactly what it was, but this piece had
always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pencil and
asked her to draw what the part looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle
of it wrote the figures 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had
its bonnet up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there. The mechanic nearly died.
Watkin helped a few of the slower boys and said It was upside down, right?
That got a good chuckle as well.
Watkin travels in to Mervyn Jenkins office in the former warehouse of T. T.
Thomass lemonade and pickled onions in Union Street, where a faint aroma of
lemons and onions still lingered. Tommy Farr, the boxer, also maintained an
office there. Watkin had a job on the pop lorry of Thomas Thomas when he was
a teenager; and he used to have a Saturday job cleaning T. T. Thomass Jaguar.
He would wash it down and leather it carefully and meticulously with a chamois
until the bonnet was gleaming enough to see his own face in it.
Watkin recalled: Tommy Farr was the Welsh heavyweight champion whod
challenged for the world title against the American fighter Joe Louis in 1937 and
had given Louis one of the toughest fights of his whole career. Hed lost the fight
after fifteen rounds but the referees decision was loudly booed by the crowd,
whod regarded Tommy as the winner. My Mum has always been an admirer of
Tommy Farr and remembered him from her days when nursing in the Rhondda
Valley.
There are five birds sitting on a fence. The farmer shoots one. How many birds
are left goes Watkin off on his jokes again.
A red house is red, a blue house is blue. What colour is a greenhouse?
How many eggs does a cockerel lay?
This time, no one is laughing and Watkins jokes are getting tamer and tamer.
Hes not on form and worrying about his Dad, who's in hospital, his mortgage
and, most of all, whether Diane is going to remain faithful to him.

Is there any chance of more overtime? Watkin asks Vernon.

Not at the moment, son. Things are pretty quiet now that the price of fuel has
increased with the Arabs quadrupling the oil price.
I could set up my own business in sound systems, buy a van, and try to earn
more money that way. Wat explains to Diane. Ill subcontract to Mervyn Jenkins
and get the jobs he doesnt want to do up the valleys and around Carmarthen,
says Watkin.
Mervyn agrees to sub contract out a job in the Ammanford Town football stadium
at the West Wales club which plays in the Welsh League. Mervyn sells him a new
sound system that he gets cheap from another club and Watkin puts it in and
repairs some of the planking at the ground. After a hard couple of weeks at
Ammanford, Watkin declares to Diane Im making good money now and we
should be able to afford that house in Wimmerfield Avenue before long.
Watkin takes his van up to Glynneath, Hirwaun and Merthyr looking for clubs to
sell sound systems. He calls in to the Merthyr football club which was based at
the Pennydarren Park ground in Merthyr Tydfil playing in the Welsh League.
This English guy says I had a go at playing rugby the other day.
Everyone kept on saying nice try.
Snooty bastards Watkin is back in form at the Merthyr football clubhouse,
where he is ensconced in the bar, a half pint of Guinness in his hand and a roll up
fag, to save money, in the corner of his mouth.
The wife had a go at me yesterday, saying that I needed to learn my boundaries.
I already knew that if it bounces before it crosses the rope it's a Four, and if it
doesn't it's a Six. Simple, Watkin goes, sipping his Guinness.
Did you know that a mans Ill be home in five minutes and a womans Ill be
ready in five minutes are exactly the same thing? Watkin laughs out loud,
thinking of Diane as he spoke.
Watkin lands a big contract at Dowlais rugby club on the A465 to Merthyr. He
gets Cliff to come over to work for him and they set out up the Neath valley to
Dowlais. They spend a week there assembling stand flooring and they put in a
sound system that Watkin has bought from Marconi systems in London.
'The Marconi Company' Watkin tells Cliff, 'was a British telecommunications and
engineering company that went under that name from 1897 until the present
day, Watkin informs the entire bar room at Dowlais, 'The company was founded
by the Italian Guglielmo Marconi.'
And their equipment is very good' he assures the rugby club committee
assembled to listen to Watkin talking. The committee endorses Watkin's contract
and the chairman asks him 'Can you install further sound equipment in the
clubhouse and entertainment areas?' Watkin replies that he would be delighted

to do that, and arranges with Cliff for him to bring up a couple of his mates to
work for Watkin in Dowlais. He only manages a couple of jokes that evening, as
the pressure of work and business is getting to him. 'What do you call a man with
a car on his head?' 'Dunno,' the crowd replies. 'Jack,' Wat explains, laughing a
little distractedly and taking a puff on his roll up.
There was a local derby and the kicker was Morgan, the full back, Wat goes.
There was a pelanty and he took the kick with great care, but struck the upright
and the ball bounced back. Jesu! Dieu Yunol he cried, swearing in Welsh. The
referee, the Reverend Eli Jenkins, says Look you, theres no need for profanity.
Just say Help me Lord.
Watkin continues, Then theres another pelanty right in front of the posts, and
Morgan takes it again with even greater care. He marks his spot, he makes a
place with a divot and he takes great deliberation over the delivery of his kick.
He strikes the ball, but he slices it and it goes careering away towards the corner
flag about a yard off the ground and he says Ohf and he just remembers in
time to say. Help me Lord. Then the skies darken, and there is a crack of
thunder, and the ball shudders and swerves and changes direction and climbs
towards the posts and goes over. And the Rev Eli Jenkins says Bleeding Hell.
'Hello, again, Mr Brownleigh, can you arrange a mortgage on a semi in Killay?
Watkin enquires again at the Provincial Building Society. Well, Mr Davies as
youre in business yourself now and you can raise capital on the flat in West
Cross, we can lend you, including your current mortgage, seven thousand
pounds but you will need a bridging loan to bridge the gap on the debt coming
due on the flat before you exchange contracts, but it is considerably more
expensive than a normal loan. So at twelve percent APR your repayments will be
two hundred and eighty-four pounds ten shillings and sixpence a month over five
years.
Alright, Mr Brownleigh, Ill take it for the house in Wimmerfield Avenue that I
have located and Id like to take out some insurance in the event of my business
going down at any future point.
Coming out into the Kingsway, Wat meets up with Cliff and they pop into the Top
Rank for half a pint of bottled IPA. Wat, you know when youre out all these late
evenings in Merthyr, well, I hear that Diane has been slipping out to the West
Cross hotel for a Dubonnet with ice and lemon, and is quite friendly with a couple
of the locals.
Not to worry, eh, Cliff?
Together Cliff and Wakin take off in the van for Dowlais to carry on the
installation of the sound system.
Stopping off for a swift half at the Greyhound in Glynneath, (it was before drink
and drive) they settle down in one of the booths. Cliff cannot help overhearing a
young couple in the next cubicle talking sweet nothings.

But Dai, does you really love me?

Acourse luv.
No, but Dai, does you really, really love me.
Sure I do, love
But how does I know you loves me?
Dai thinks for a minute: Shags you and buys you chips donI?
Before long, Watkin bumps into Max Boyce at the bar. Howre you, Max, he
goes.
Fine thanks, Im working the clubs, now.
Oh, aye?
Didnt I work with you and Mervyn Jenkins at the Metal Box factory in the Melyn,
Neath? Max enquires, with his usual twinkle.
Aye Aye, and you were a joker even then, Max.
Is it alright if I use some of your material in my jokes, Max?
Aye, Aye wus, Max laughs. I pinch a lot of my material as well, Wat, he goes,
laughing his head off. The whole place was caught up in Maxs infectious laughs.
Even the greyhound was laughing.
Dye know, Rob, he tells a Max Boyce joke at the Dowlais venue, Its gone I
cant remember anything. I cant remember where my car keys are, I cant find
my glasses, I dont even remember where we went on holiday last year.
Wat, he says whats the name of that leafy green stuff that grows around the
walls on those big, old houses?
Ivy, Rob. Thats right, I said. Ivy Where did we go on holidays last year?
Can you imagine, he continues If Wales won the international. If Jenkins won a
drop pelanty in the dying seconds and won the game for them, theyd make a
sixty foot bronze statue of him. His mothers home help would get the OBE he
laughs.
Laughing on: Children would have a year off school, the Evening Post would
bring out a free three hundred and sixty five page supplement, the Ospreys
would become a protected species and the Pope would visit Cwm Rhondda.
Rubbing his ear while thinking, he reminisces: We were so poor in them days,
there were no inside toilets. It would be terrible of a night, when cold in bed, and
wanting to go for a pee, you'd have to climb downstairs and go out into the back
garden in all kinds of weather. You had to hold the toilet door closed, in case
anybody came, with your foot. Trouble was the door opened outwards.

We were so poor we couldnt afford name tags you know, those printed names
at the back of your coat collar, so your stuff could be identified in school - I used
to tell people my name was St. Michael, he jokes, pint in hand and taking
another sup.
After a few moments while the laughter dies down, he continues: On my first
day in school my Mum took me down the school and left me at the school gates.
Mum. Wherere you goin? I looked through the school fence and said to her:
How long do I have to stay in school, Mum? Till youre fifteen, she said. Till Im
fifteen? Oh, my God, I said. You wont forget to come and fetch me will you,
Mum?
We had the scholarship exam and I couldnt answer the questions. They asked
me: What is the station fly? I knew what a fly was. So I answered an insect
on the railway, he goes, baffled at the muted response.
Not worrying too much at the reception of that one, he continues: Another
question was Where is Hadrians Wall? I answered In Adrians garden. Well I
knew my friend, Adrian, had a wall in his back garden, he chuckles, his
infectious laugh causing him to knock over his glass.

Ill get Mike Henwood to move us up to Killay, and Col from the Langland Court
has promised to use his Jeep to move some of our stuff. O K says Diane, but
dont forget Im working on Saturday.
Thats alright. Ill move the main furniture on Saturday morning, and maybe we
can go back for any of your bits and pieces on Saturday night, because the other
people are moving in.
Now, at last, Wat and Di have a semi in a posh part of town, a car and two vans
in the drive and a good neighbourhood in which to plan a family. Are you ready
to think about starting a family, Di?
Well youre away so much and so tired every evening, Im not sure we can
manage it, Diane retorts, rather suspiciously, Watkin feels in his bones.
You havent touched me for weeks, and you know how lonely I get in the house
on my own all the time
All the time? Thats not what Ive heard. Wat complains, his arms around her
and an affectionate tone still in his voice.
Being Welsh Watkin goes, back at the Dowlais clubhouse, Its so wet. I was
eight before I realised you could take your anorak off, he jokes to some
amusement.
In the bible it says God made it rain for forty days and forty nights. It
was still the best Summer on record, he chuckles.

Drawing on his fag, he continues Good God, That year was one of the best
summers weve ever had, we had to go down Caswell swimming to get wet, and
there was even a hose pipe ban!
The Welsh are such optimistic people. Every day they go out without a hat or an
umbrella, and every day they get soaked to the skin he says reaching for his
pint.
Its so wet in Wales, my toes have turned into webbed feet, he goes, showing
his foot to the crowd.
Trying harder this time, he goes hand on head: Its so cold in Wales, I didnt
know you could go swimming without a hat and scarf.
I thought Id join the navy and see the world. Go somewhere drier! he carries
on, still dragging on his Woodbine.
Its not easy, you know. My wife run off with the milkman. He turned up on his
electric milk float and off they went. It was the worst three hours of my life. They
stopped at every house in the street, Wat says, still wondering about Diane.
When I was born, my father took one look at me and left home muttering dark
things about my family, joked Watkin, in his bell bottom, flared jeans and Cuban
heeled shoes.
Ill take you to the Shirley Bassey concert at the Empire theatre in Cardiff.
Watkin consoles Diane, and offers to drive her to Cardiff on the following
evening. They take an early evening dinner at the Castle hotel and go on to the
well attended concert in Shirleys home town afterwards. Shirley, whos from
Tiger Bays most memorable song is Goldfinger:

He's the man, the man with the Midas touch.

A spider's touch,
Sony/ATV Songs LLC
which Wat loved, followed by This is My Life which had Diane in tears:
Funny how a lonely day, can make a person say:
What good is my life

Funny how a breaking heart, can make me start to say:

What good is my life
Funny how I often seem to think I'll never find a dream
In my life
Till I look around and see, this great big world is part of me
And my life
This is my life.
S.I.A.E. Direzione Generale
Shirley does one set in her tight fitting, red, sleeveless dress and another in her
shimmering, full length, sequined, evening gown with a train. She brings the
house down with the performance of La Vita, the original of My Life, and her
exuberance, vocal power, and energy is enchanting. After the show, they go to
the stage door to cheer Shirley as she emerges into her limousine, and she
graciously signs Dianes concert programme To Diane With Love from Shirley
with a proffered biro. You know Shirleys daughter, Samantha, and my niece
Emily are friends in school at Cheltenham, Di? Wat suggests.
Have you heard this one, Di? Wat says in the car going back on the A48 via
Bridgend and Cowbridge to Swansea: There was an Englishman, an Irishman
and a Scotsman and they were sent to prison. Each was given a last wish that
they could choose one thing that they were promised they would be allowed to
take with them into prison. The Englishman chose a woman, the Scotsman
asked for whiskey, and the Irishman, cigarettes. When they came out, fifteen
years later, the Englishman had a lot of babies, the Scotsman was drunk and the
Irishman said Have you got a light
Well stop off at Ron McKays all night caf The Macabre in Mansel Street for a
final coffee Wat offers. Its a weird place with coffins for tables, skull and
crossbones on the walls, imitation cobwebs made from netting hanging from the
walls and solemn and eerie music piped from the loudspeakers that I put in,
says Wat.
How did you enjoy the show, Di? Wat asks, above the noise of the late night
morticians. Loved it answers Diane, Especially This is My Life that made me
cry.
Why was that, Di?
I feel so lonely these nights when youre away.
All right, Di Ill change, dont worry. Cliff will be doing a lot of the evening work
now, and Ill be at home more. I promise.
O K, then Wat Diane confirmed.
Ill go and see Reg Bateman, the travel agent who does all the Butlins holiday
camp bookings and well go on holiday to the Filey site in Pwllheli that Billy Butlin
took over from the Admiralty after World War 11 to build two new holiday

camps, enthuses Wat, but still worried if he can work a reconciliation of Dianes
problems with him.
Now Watkin has got a new job at Merthyr rugby club who play in the East
league. Its maintenance of the stands, but he doesnt mind, because its good
solid work. Back in the clubhouse, Wat does another stand up.
Before I start, I have something to say. he begins. My name is Wat, and Im a
comic. I wasnt always a comic, of course. I started telling jokes very young. As
an adolescent I had a few weak jokes. My early Christmas jokes went down quite
well, so I started telling jokes on my own. At birthdays, and at a wedding, I
embarrassed myself by telling something a bit too strong. I felt terrible the next
day, he gulps. But that didnt stop me much. I began joking earlier and earlier
in the day. I even did jokes in the toilet for myself. I was turning into a
jokeaholic.
Then Watkin adds. I even applied to be admitted to a joke free zone, and thats
why Ive been in Merthyr rugby club ever since. No, no boys Im only joking
he counters:
To the tune of Sospan Fach

Dont hit me,

I am begging you please.
Dont punch me,
Im begging on my knees
A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach.
Im selling these radios below cost price, he continues.
How can you make money like that? one of the punters enquires.
He said repairing them. And I laughed so much I nearly bought one.
Im running a sperm bank but business is very slow, he offers. Nobody gives a
toss.

People from Cwmbran are very easy going, Wat goes, sipping his usual pint. A
woman invites in a man, Dai Hopkins, who is her neighbour, and they end up in
bed. The wife is bare on the bed and suddenly, unexpectedly, the husband turns
the key in the front door lock and comes in to collect something. She hides Dai in
the wardrobe quickly, closes the door, and then tries to dress. The husband
enters the bedroom, and finds the woman undressed. He goes What are you
doing?
He opens the door of the wardrobe and finds Dai and says Hello Dai. Howre
you?

The redcoats at Butlins holiday camp have a good line in patter, too. Hello
campers. Welcome to Butlins, Pwllheli. Heidi Heidi Ho! Have a nice day! they call
over the tannoy. Moved into the chalet, Watkin and Diane get settled in their
bunk beds. After high tea in the mass dining area, where at communal tables
brown bread and butter and cream cakes are served by waitresses on tiered cake
stands and huge, brown pots of tea are poured out into china mugs. And when
its time to go out for the evening, they join the karaoke sing song and joke
festival.
One of the redcoats starts the evening with Sinatras Come Fly with Me, Fly me
to the Moon, and Chicago. Chicago, Chicago, that toddlin town / Chicago,
Chicago, I will show you around.
Another redcoat lady does Liza Minellis Cabaret:

I used to have this girlfriend called Elsie

With whom I shared a sort of room in Chelsea.
She wasnt what youd call a blushing flower
As a matter of fact she rented by the hour.
Sony Music Entertainment (UK) Ltd.
The chief redcoat, Bertie Dean, takes off on his routine:

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Butlins holiday camp. We hope you enjoy this
evenings entertainment. Tomorrow we have the Butlins holiday bathing beauty
contest at the outdoor, full length, Olympic sized, heated swimming pool,
followed by the childrens races.
Theres Ivy Greenstreet from Norfolk, shes a bit flat.
We have Holly Grey from Priory, South West Dorset; shes something of a monks
habit.
Theres Jane Plowright from Exeter, shes a Devon cream tart. Ha ha ha, he
went.
After the knobbly knees competition, at 2 p. m. the Boy Scouts band will be
making an exhibition of themselves on the recreation area. And at 3 p.m. theres
the Punch and Judy show and music at the playing field with Randolpho and his
orchestra. Then the Jayne Mansfield lookalike competition is taking place in the
ballroom, he continued.
That reminds me he says. There were these survivors on a life raft and the boat
was sinking; so they had to decide who to throw overboard to save weight.
There was Mickey Mouse, Jayne Mansfield and Winston Churchill. Who did they
throw out? Jayne Mansfield shes got built in water wings. That got a good
laugh.
Then, folks, at 4 p.m. its the gymnastics from the boys in blue gymnastic team.
In the evening, its a choice of the Hawaiian Night or jiving to Clive Silvers rock
n roll band, he concluded.
Di and Wat opt for the Miss Butlins beauty contest, and Wat says Shall we have
a swim at the pool, and after that go jiving? Di is sweetly compliant, Yes, Wat,
thats fine for me, she coos. Their day results in a feeling of harmony and
enjoyment. Are you are happy at the holiday camp, Di? and Di says Yes, and
after a moments thought, I love you, Wat. I cant wait to start a family. They
spend the last night, however, on their individual bunk beds in the chalet,
exhausted from their jiving and an energetic day out in the open. They leave on
the camp bus on the Saturday morning for Pwllheli station and take the train via
Telford, Shropshire, Hereford, Newport and Cardiff to Swansea. Arrived home,
they make long passionate love,
Yes, Yes, Yesss, Oh Wat
and Di falls asleep, tired and satiated. Wat, strained and concerned about the
future, dozes only intermittently.

Chapter 3.

Back at work the following Monday in Merthyr rugby club, Wat does a morning on
the maintenance with Cliff and goes:
Im into fine French wines now. Theres Vouvray, Montrachet, Dubonnet, but my
favourite little wine is a Welsh one: Pont ar du lais.
I had a dog once. A Rottweiler. Well, it was half Rottweiler and half sheepdog. It
used to round up the sheep together and then kill them. No, no, he insists
looking around to see the reaction.
I came home last evening, Wat continues, and my wife was in tears.
She said I made you a lovely meat pie, and the dog has eaten it.
Dont worry, I said, Well get another dog.
This girl meets this boy and she says My boyfriends a brain surgeon. Only
trouble is, hes just an apprentice and he has to start at the bottom hes a
hospital porter, he continues with Cliff laughing appreciatively.
Wat explains to the club members in the bar, I had to fill in this form and it said,
Sex? I put Yes, please.
After an interval for a few pints, Wat comes out with one of his favourite gags:
Whats the difference between a bishop and a man taking a bath?
One has got his soul full of hope he pauses, and the others got his hole full
of soap he chuckles.

'Mr Davies, we're terribly sorry, but we have lost your father after the operation,
the matron at Singleton hospital, Miss Charles, in starched tunic and white
headdress, explains to Watkin and Diane who have attended an appointment to
discuss the progress of their parent who is undergoing an operation for cancer.
He was doing well with the radiotherapy, but the surgeon found an inoperable
carcinoma in his bladder the size of an egg that has resulted, unfortunately, in
his death under the anaesthetic.'
With a sob, Watkin attempts to say something in reply to her.
Thank you, Miss Ch... but is overcome with emotion. Diane asks 'Wasnt there
anything they could do?'
'Sadly with the present state of the cancer technology, we were unable to save
him. In a few years time the medical procedures will undoubtedly be improved,
but I know that is no consolation to you, Mr and Mrs Davies,' Miss Charles
offered, sympathetically, straightening her tunic and headdress.
Well have to look after my Mum a lot more now, and what with there being no
inheritance Dad was with the council and there is only the burial fund, Wat
explains travelling back to Wimmerfield Avenue in the car, Diane sobbing silently.

***

One year later, Wat has been presented with a new son and heir. Hes taking a
short on his way home from a job in Carmarthen at the Marquis in Fforestfach
and back to his old form: My wifes just had a baby he goes, sipping his whiskey.
They showed me around in the maternity ward at Fairwood Hospital, and I saw
all those babies bawling their heads off with their mouths wide open. They asked
me to select mine. I chose a vase.
But I still enjoy sex after the baby was born, Yes, next door, he continues on his
second whiskey.
A man goes to the doctor. I'm afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor
says. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.
Oh, that's terrible! says the man. "How long have I got?
Ten, the doctor says sadly.
Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?
Nine, eight... Wat goes, looking at the second hand on his watch.
Ordering a third whiskey, Wat continues, A married man was having an affair
with his secretary. One day, their passions became too much for them and they
went to her house, where they made love madly all afternoon. Exhausted from
the fantastic sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 7pm. As the man put on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the
grass and mud. Puzzled, she nevertheless agreed to do it. He slipped into his

shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his wife when he
entered the house.
Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my Secretary and we've
been having mad, fantastic sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until seven o'clock."
His wife glanced down at his shoes and said, You lying bugger! You've been
playing golf!
In reality, Diane was in tears at Mount Pleasant hospital, where the baby was
born. Whats the matter, Di, Why are you crying, love? says Watkin whos been
waiting outside for long hours before the delivery. Men in those days were not
allowed in delivery wards, and were expected to wait in corridors.
Theyve given me the wrong baby. That wasnt our baby, Wat. They made a mix
up and handed me the wrong baby. Im sure of it. Our child has blue eyes and Id
remember that little face anywhere.
This is your infant, Mrs Davies, said chief sister Evans. Apparently, there has
been some confusion over the names of Davies, a common name in this part of
Wales, on the little name tag around the babys ankle. And, although
traumatised and highly emotional, Diane accepted her child into loving arms and
cradled him in a swaddling band that she had kept for so long in her trousseau.
Oh, Watkin, you know Im using the Hoover twin tub washing machine she goes
at home a few weeks later. I have to haul all the wet clothes out of the washing
section and dump them into the spin dryer section, Diane bemoans. How can I
get supper ready when Im up to my elbows in nappies? I have to soak the used
ones in Milton sterilising fluid in the plastic bucket and wring them out before I
can put them in the machine. The kitchen windows are all steamed up and
theres water all over the floor. So Wat pops out to the Commercial in Killay
for a quick pint, a sausage roll and a bag of Smiths crisps, the ones with the blue
twist up packet of salt inside.
Whilst there, finishing his sausage roll and carefully spreading the salt on his
crisps, he cracks his favourite Les Dawson mother in law jokes, I havent spoken
to my mother-in-law for two years. We haven't quarrelled or anything, its just
that I don't like to interrupt her, he goes, crackling his crisp packet.
I really do have a soft spot for my mother in law. It's out in the garden behind
the shed, he continues with a chuckle, although he wasnt feeling in very good
humour inside, due to Dianes complaining.
Carrying on nonetheless with the Les Dawson patter he goes, I was out shopping
the other day, when I saw five women beating up my mother in law. As I stood
there and watched, her neighbour, who knew me, said, Well, aren't you going to
help? I answered, No. Five of them is enough. After a few more jokes, Wat
potters back up the Gower road to the house and takes an early bed to get away
from Dis continuous nagging - about the nappies, the housework, and the lack of
leisure time as she sees it.

When Watkin was in the Marquis in Fforestfach, hed met Mike Rabbaiotti, the
race manager of the greyhound racing track in Ystrad Road, whod invited him to
install outdoor lighting at the stadium. A very big and long lasting job raised
Wats hopes about the future. It meant constructing lighting pylons around the
dog track, and fixing the installation of the mechanical hare that the dogs dive
out of their stalls and chase around the perimeter of the track to the finishing
line. Down at the dog track one evening, after a successful bet at 4/3 on Prince
in the 7.15 and an excellent shot in the 7.30 on Daddys Boy at 13/2, they all
adjourn to the track cafe.
Whats a husbands definition of safe sex? Watkin starts, pocketing his excellent
winnings. When the wifes away staying with the mother in law, he jokes
thinking about Diane.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we married. A good wife
always forgives a husband when shes wrong. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks
the same way, he rattles them off.
If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back
door, who do you let in first? he asks the betting crowd. The dog, he answers,
at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
Watkin concluded his act with You know being a comic is the one job where, if
you perform badly, people wont laugh at you.
Hi Di, Ive bought you a colour TV and a VHS video recorder so that you can
record your favourite TV shows, you know, the European Song Festival, and your
favourite song, Puppet on a String, Watkin goes returning home in the Capri.

I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care

If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there
Like a puppet on a string.
Love is just like a merry-go-round
With all the fun of a fair
One day I'm feeling down on the ground
Then I'm up in the air
Are you leading me on?
Tomorrow will you be gone?
I wonder if one day that, you'll say that, you care

If you say you love me madly, I'll gladly, be there

Like a puppet on a ... string.
Copyright Agent
c/o Berman Entertainment and Technology Law
28 2nd Street, Third Floor
San Francisco, CA 94105
You can record old songs by Petula Clark, Lita Roza, Anne Shelton and Frank
Ifield; for the kids, [they have two now, Jason and Tracey]; you can record
Thunderbirds for when they come home from school, and theres Pans People
on Top of the Pops. If you want to record something serious theres All Our
Yesterdays with Brian Inglis, Watkin continues delightedly. Things are going well
at the race track, and his winnings on the dogs are multiplying. He owns a Ford
Capri three litre, has installed a disco ball in their bedroom, and his business
employs five more men.
Back at the Fforestfach track the hare mechanism is installed and the lighting
pylons are going up well. Watkin obtained some of the pylons second hand from
Mervyn Jenkins, and he told Cliff, I suspect that Mervd taken them down from
another venue and sold em to us cheap. Typical Merv, he said.
In the cafe that afternoon he goes, I like to have a cigarette after a good meal.
Thanks to my wife, I don't smoke, smirking, and thinking about Dis cooking
which is not too bad.
What is green and turns red at the flick of a button? A frog in a liquidiser, he
starts his 70s routine. What do you call an epileptic under a pile of leaves?
Russell. Not a joke that could be repeated in contemporary politically correct
times, however. What do you call a man with a spade in his mouth? Doug, he
rattles on. What do you call a man with no spade in his mouth? Douglas. What
do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff he continues in fashionable
70s style.
Im married to a lady optician, Wat goes, a la Bob Monkhouse. In bed she asks,
better like this? better like that? better like this ... The crowd laugh, despite
having heard it before.
Now hes on a roll, Watkin cant stop. This man, he says, goes into a pet shop
to ask for the pet monkey hes bought. Ive cleaned your cage out, the
assistant goes.
You cheeky bugger, he retorts.
Ive got a Scots terrier he laughs. So easy for cleaning the car he
demonstrates with his hands in a waving, washing the car motion.
This man goes to the doctor. He says Ive broken my arm in several places.
The doctor says Dont go to those places, then... It gets a good laugh, but
Watkin is beginning to worry about Diane. Shes been wearing a see through

blouse and short miniskirt thats quite revealing, and Watkin tells Diane I dont
think your skirt and top are suitable for working in a shop.
That evening, in an uncharacteristic fit of male chauvinist rage, he burns Dianes
skimpy, transparent blouse in the coal fire and rakes up the ashes in the hearth.
Why are you burning my clothes, Watkin? she screams, but to no avail, and
they spend the night in separate bedrooms.
Im sorry, Di. I dont know what came over me, Watkin begs in the morning.
Next winter Ill take you to Austria skiing in the Tirol, and Ill make it up to you
somehow. OK, then, Wat but I dont see the problem with what Im wearing, all
the other girls are dressed like it, this is the seventies for Gods sake. Wat
continues to the greyhound track at Fforestfach, and sees to the mechanical
greyhound. In those days, the dog owners would encourage the hounds to chase
the rabbit by feeding them fresh meat at the end of the race to assuage their
natural instincts of the chase, when the dogs would want to tear the mechanical
hare to pieces.
Back in the cafe, Wat starts his patter with, My wife phoned me and said she had
water in the carburettor. Where are you? I said. In the river, she replied. I
went to the dentists the other day and he said Your teeth are alright, but your
gums have gotta come out. I was in the dentists waiting room reading the
magazines. They were so old, I went Wasnt it terrible about that Titanic. Ha
Ha. Not like that ... Like that, imitating Tommy Cooper, with a characteristic
gesticulation of his arms.
I bet on Lucky Boy at 20 to 1 and he came in at twenty past four. That got a
good laugh among the gambling fraternity. That joke was so bad, I got a sitting
ovation he says. I went out one dark night and this bloke says Is there a
policeman round here. No, I said. Stick em up!
Watkin, Cliff, Mervyn and the other Swansea Sound boys are off to Stradey Park
on October, 31st 1972. Llanelli, coached by Carwyn James, beat Ian Kirkpatrick's
All Blacks 9-3 in a famous victory against the touring side. The pubs famously ran
dry by 6pm that day and Watkin and the boys certainly contributed to the
drought at the Bridge and the Half Moon in Llanelli. Roy Bergiers scored a try
from his own charge down and Andy Hill scored a terrific long-range pelanty,
Watkin recounts afterwards. Watkin explains to anyone whos listening that the
captain, Delme Thomas was carried from the field aloft by fans, and local boy,
Phil Bennett, had an outstanding game.
The boys didnt have tickets for the Barbarians v. New Zealand match the
following Spring, but watched it on colour TV at the Poundfold in Gower. Watkin
recounted that Phil Bennett sidestepped his way past three outflanked and
outrun All Blacks. The ball was transferred to JPR Williams, then to hooker John
Pullin and on to John Dawes, bypassing Gareth Edwards. John Dawes's dash up
the left touchline gave the move terrific momentum, before a burst from flanker
Tom David with a long pass out to Derek Quinnell who had numbers, another

long pass and a skilful pick up for Number 9, Gareth Edwards, resulted in a diving
touchdown.
After the match there was a singsong with:

Mae bys Meri-Ann wedi brifo,

A Dafydd y gwas ddim yn iach.
Mae'r baban yn y crud yn crio,
A'r gath wedi sgrapo Joni bach.

This was followed by Hymns and Arias:

Well we were singing hymns and arias
Land of my Fathers,
Ar hyd y nos.'

Then Swanseas own Badfingers

No I can't forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes

Your sorrow shows

Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
2000-2015 AZLyrics.co
Watkin is crying at this one, because he knows its nearly over with Diane. Shes
been seen out with a handsome, local insurance agent and one evening, on
returning home from the dog track, he just spied Di in her yellow Mini Minor
travelling up the Gower road. He follows her to see if shes on an assignation
with him, but she catches Wats brown Ford Capri in her rear view mirror.
Reaching Upper Killay, she turns back and drives to the house in Wimmerfield.
On reaching home, Wat enquires peremptorily Where have you been and Di
replies blushing, I went up to see my friend, Elsie, in Derlwyn, Dunvant. Wat
says, I dont believe you. Youve been seen on the dunes on Swansea beach
with him and now youre up Fairwood Common to see him. Whats going on? A
terrific row ensues, Diane walks out taking the kids, and again ... separate
bedrooms.
So for a few nights its,Hello walls, hello ceiling by Ricky Nelson on 78 rpm on
the Philips portable record player in the back bedroom of the deserted house in
Wimmerfield.

Hello walls (hello) how things go for you today?

Don't you miss her since she upped and walked away
And I'll bet you dread to spend another lonely night with me
Lonely walls I'll keep you company.
Hello window (hello) well I see that you're still here.
Aren't you lonely since our darling disappeared?
2003 - 2015 Letras.terra.com
Wats jokes have now deteriorated to the point where hes reciting nursery
rhymes at Bridgend rugby club:
The boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were covered in blisters
He had no stockings of his own
So he had to wear his sisters.

Or the alternative rhyme:

The boy stood on the burning deck
His feet were full of blisters.
He tore his pants on a rusty nail
And had to wear his sister's.

Quite out of sorts, he continues to few laughs:

Jack n Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
But not for fetching water.

Downing his fourth pint he goes:

Hickory dickory dock,

The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And down he run
Hickory dickory dock.
Or the other version, he goes:
Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And thother scaped wiv minor injuries, he slurs to no laughter
Disappointed with his lack of success with his jokes, he crawls home to his lonely
bed and then resolving to do something about his marriage, he drives around to
the mother in laws place in Brynhyfryd to where Di had decamped with the kids.
Wat goes, OK, Di. Ive fixed up with Reg Bateman for our package tour holiday in
Kitzbhel, in Austria. Wat has memorised the brochure that Reg Bateman has
given him: Few ski resorts have the charisma of this iconic resort, with its
celebrated downhill slopes, he repeats.
Diane somewhat reluctantly agrees to join him, and two weeks later they take off
from Cardiff airport with Lufthansa to Munich from where they travel by air
conditioned coach with piped music and onboard toilet to the ski resort.
Dont go up on those high slopes with all them Germans Wat goes, but Di
doesnt listen and joins in a skiing party from Stuttgart and has a morning skiing
with them. That evening they enjoy the gluhwein that is issued after a day on
the slopes, at one of the ski hut bars.
Watkin is now back in form with all his jokes. He starts, consciously targeting the
Germans drinking their Lwenbru. What's a geriatric? he asks the assembled
drinkers. A German footballer scoring three goals. There was an awards
ceremony for adverts on TV last week. I fast forwarded the whole thing, he
continues, sipping his mulled wine. There was a subliminal advert on TV for
underarm deodorant. I tried it, but the trouble was it only lasted one tenth of a
second. Now he has a go at the French people drinking there. Ive been
learning French. My teacher asked me to decline something in French. I said I
wouldnt have a Renault for a start, again: My wife said: 'Can my mother come
down for the weekend?' So I said: 'Why?' and she said: 'Well, she's been up on
the roof for two weeks already'.

How did you enjoy the skiing, Di? It was OK, I suppose says Diane
unenthusiastically. However, the cold Austrian nights did not result in any real
reconciliation in the bedroom with Diane, and they take the return coach and air
trip back to Cardiff, from where they travel by road.
Returned home, a fortnight later and working at the Samuels Crescent,
Whitchurch rugby clubhouse, Watkin, on his fifth pint, resorts to visual
descriptions of his favourite comedies:
Didu see the Benny Hill Show last night on Thames TV, boys?
Youre all against me, Wat starts insinuatingly, Did you see the way he pulled
the guy in the rubber water rings wig off with his golf club? Benny changed his
cricket bat so slickly with the other chap, and did you see how the golfer got his
own golf club tied all around his neck, then Benny Hill broke the strings off a
tennis racquet and threw the frame around the mans neck like a hula hula
hoop, he explained laughing.. The footballer got it in the goolies, too. Heres a
little outfit you dont wear when its cold...But Lo and Behold Benny said about
the terrifically beautiful girls on his show, Wat drools.
Feeling tired now, Wat says Cheers lads, have a good one, travels back home in
the van dropping Cliff off on the way and arrives to find Di and the kids gone, the
house deserted and not much of their furniture there. Di has brought a van with
Roger, the floor walker from Lewis Lewiss department store, and taken the kids
with all their stuff to somewhere down in the Gower where Wat wont be able to
find them. Even the garage doors have gone, says Wat, unable to resist a joke.
Wat collapses onto the remaining divan, though, and asks himself in tears What
Have I done to deserve this? Is it my drinking and joking, or does Di need a
better man than me. She didnt stop with that insurance guy, so perhaps shes
got someone else.

Chapter 4

After crying nonstop for twenty-four hours, theres a knock on the door, Can you
judge the August bank holiday street party in Wimmerfield Crescent on Monday
afternoon, Mr Davies? Of course, replies Watkin. Please come in and give me
the details, he struggles to reply.

Yes, Watkin, if I may call you that, there will be a street celebration, and a fancy
dress competition for the kids. Are your kids coming? Uh? Oh, no, Jason and
Tracey are away on holiday, Watkin lies. Thanks Watkin, the organiser says,
and Wat promises to attend at 2.00 p.m. on the Monday afternoon. This is going
to be my salvation, thinks Watkin, who hasnt slept for nights on end, and is
suffering severe depression.
On the Monday, Wat is dressed and ready, his shoes shined and a last, fresh shirt
put on with a neat tie. The judges assemble to view the fancy dress parade and
there are a sailor boy, a policeman in a helmet, a Chinese so called coolie, a
nurse in full uniform and headdress, an African warrior all blacked up with burnt
cork and a spear, a Hawaiian hula dancer with grass skirt, a so called Red Indian
brave and squaw, a boy on roller skates dressed for baseball, an organ grinder
with a monkey, and a girl in evening dress in a top hat and a moustache. After
the fancy dress competition, the children sat in rows out in the street and are
served with jelly, custard, cakes and lots of pop.
Giving his judgment, Watkin tells the children one of his favourite kids jokes. Do
you know the one about the man who was writing a letter to his gran? He said
Im writing this letter slowly because I know you are a slow reader. He
continued. Bill knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's
mother answered he asked, Can Johnny come out to play? No, said his mother,
it's too cold. Well, then, said Bill, can his football come out to play? It got a
good laugh from the older kids.
In the evening, at the Black Boy, Wat tries out a few tentative jokes as part of
his rehabilitation from the depression. When I was a baby, my mother tried to
kill me. She denied it. She claimed shed put on the plastic bag to keep me
fresh. My mother was a ventriloquist. She could throw her voice. As a matter of
fact, for ages I thought it was the dog telling my dad to shut up. His next one
was heartrendingly difficult to tell:
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mum could have an
evening out. At bedtime he sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to
watch football on the TV. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young
man kept sending him back to bed. At 9pm somebody knocked at the door, it
was the next-door neighbour, Mrs. Morgan, asking if her son was there. The
young man roughly replied, No. Just then a little head appeared over the stairs
and shouted, I'm here, Mum, but he won't let me go home.
Walking home from the pub after a long day out Watkin feels much better, and
sleeps well at last. The following morning he pops up to Derlwyn, Killay to see
Dianes friend, Elsie. Your wife has gone to stay in a boarding house in Gower
with the kids. You need to go down to Oldwalls and youll find them there, if Im
not mistaken, she kindly reports.
Enquiring with a local solicitor for information, he asks Diane, when hes made
contact, Whats going on Diane? Its no use Watkin. Ive had enough of your
drinking, late nights and incompetent, inefficient attempts at being a husband.

Im going to get my own place in Dunvant, and Im moving there with the kids.
Oh no youre not. Wat contradicts her, barely able to contain his anger. Im
going to the High Court to get custody of Jason and hopefully Tracey, too. Their
meeting finishes inconclusively with a tearful Jason begging his Dad to take him
home. Not today, Jason, but youll be coming home very soon, Wat promises.
Now that Wat has more free time available to watch the cricket, he goes to Gnoll
Road, Neath to watch Glamorgan v Gloucestershire. Glamorgan choose to field in
the 40 overs match and Gloucester make 156 for 9 wickets with forty overs
bowled, Don Shepherd from Shepherds the Parkmill store taking the Bissex
wicket for 7. But Glamorgan can only manage 154 for the fall of ten wickets for
forty overs. Wat Is disappointed and sees Gloucestershire walk away with the 4
points for the match.
The Swansea Sound lads accompany Wat back to the Castle hotel for a few
consolatory pints of Double Dragon Felinfoel bitter, and Wat soon takes off on his
usual routine to cover up his domestic misery, Ive got a pal whos a long, tall
blade of grass. Hes easily swayed. I bet you cant name a famous Egyptian
landmark. Thats what you Sphinx.
The next one is an Old Wild West joke Wat does in his fake cowboy accent, A dog
walks into a Texas saloon bar and says I want the man who shot my paw.
He follows up with A boy and a girl walk past this restaurant. The girl says,
Theres a lovely smell, Id like some of that. The boy goes Ill treat her tonight.
Well go and walk past it again...
"Wat finishes with one of his all time favourites: A woman goes to the doctors
and says Doctor, I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. Youve
got Tom Jones syndrome, the doctor points out. Is that common?, she asks.
Its not unusual Wat sings rendering the Tom Jones number.

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
But when I see you hanging about with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry,
Oh I wanna' die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
But when I see you out and about it's such a crime

If you should ever want to be loved by anyone,

It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say
You find it happens all the time...
Copyright: Valley Music Ltd.
Wats feelings are prescient, for it transpires Diane is seeing a carpenter from
Dowlais who shes met in work in Lewis Lewiss. Of course, he said, Tom Jones
was born in the same hospital in Mountain Ash as my cousin, Geoffrey. It was on
June 7 1940, exactly one year after Geoffrey. Hes always on about it every time
Tom Jones is singing. Tom Woodward, as was, came from Treforest and always
wanted to be a singer after his two years convalescence from T B as a young
boy. What a voice, and no wonder they call him Jones the voice, round here Wat
says, getting sloshed on the strong Felinfoel ale.
Not a lot of people know says Watkin about Harry Secombes charitable giving
and good works in the area. Wat is at a dinner in Morriston golf club thrown by
Harry Secombe and hosted by his wife, Myra Atherton: In our business, we do
good deeds with an ear splitting stealth, folks, explains Harry. Wat has been
invited as a member of the Honourable Order of Buffaloes, the Buffs, which he
has joined to socialise more since Diane left. The Secombes are a large, warm
family. Harry's father had six brothers and sisters, Wat recalls.
Harry gets up: They call me Sir Cumference, he jokes about his enormous size,
I have more chins than the Hong Kong telephone directory. He does his famous
patter, I come from mixed parentage, one male, one female. Referring to his
recent illness from a perforated colon, he goes, I was suffering from
punctuation. Laughing, he says, I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there
when it happens. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. Harry
had shed about 5 stone and looked a new person. I saw my knees again for the
first time in years, he jokes.
His next one is for the Scots in the audience, Is there anything worn under the
kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. Then talking about different kinds of
cigarettes he goes, These gorillas are strong! Here, have one of my monkeys they're milder.
When I sing and have to do my top Cs says Harry, we call them the cruel
seas. When I was a boy, I was told I should get my voice trained. So I got
myself a chair and a whip ... and some newspaper. When I was young, I did
impressions of everybody, the milkman, the milkmans horse... I was playing
cards on the liner to South America to find gold. I had a good hand...four fingers
and a thumb.
Reminiscing about his time in the army, Harry Secombe says, The first time I
was in action we fired at them. When they fired back, we had a bit of a shock. It
was a different matter altogether, folks. We were five miles from Tripoli, and we
had to get out a bit quick then. They were firing at us, and we had to get them
out. We left chocolates out for them, but they wouldnt come out. I was looking

up in the dictionary Im on your side, mate. Then this bloke came up to us and
said, Anybody seen a gun? It was Spike Milligan.
Then he starts his show business lines from the Goon Show. Acting as Neddie
Seagoon, he came out with his hilarious lines, He's fallen in the water! He
includes his Hello folks, Needle nardle noo, What,what,what,what,what and I
don't wish to know that, to rapturous applause from the Swansea diners.
***

Jason, Im taking you down to Bill Edwards sports shop to buy you your cricket
bat and your kit, Wat tells his son, of whom he now has custody from the High
Court, after a tortuous time with legal arrangements, solicitors and court
appearances in London. Bill is in fine form as usual and decks Jason out in his
pads, gloves, trousers, support, wicket keeping gloves and a brand new red
leather cricket ball made to MCC regulations. Bill, ever generous, goes pay me
later, as usual and just then who should walk in but Tony Lewis, the Glamorgan
cricket captain and the only Glamorgan cricketer to captain England. Hed made
2,190 runs, including his only double-century. Hed scored 223 against Kent at
Gravesend after Glamorgan had followed on. He captained them from 1967 to
1972, and with his help promoted the county to its second championship.
Tony, who became a sports commentator on the BBC, is rather dour and solemn
as usual, but on Jasons introduction to him he is warm and friendly, encouraging
him to become a county cricketer. Just after Jason went outside to try out the bat
and pads, he cracked one of his close friend Richie Benauds jokes, Hes usually
a good puller, but he couldnt get it up that time, he laughs, repeating one of the
best known lines from his BBC commentaries. Another one was, Laird has been
brought in to stand in the corner of the circle. Incidentally, Watkin tells Jason
Tony Lewis commentated on the Garfield Sobers six sixes in the match with
Glamorgan against the West Indies, and was the first captain of England to
defeat India in more than twenty years.
I was travelling up by train on the GWR to London, Paddington, to visit the High
Court and, when I entered the buffet car, who should I meet, Watkin tells Jason,
but Cliff Morgan the Wales captain and BBC commentator. Cliff was part of the
Grand Slam team of Wales in 1952, Wat explains to his son, who has now
inherited Watkins interest in sport. The following year he played for Cardiff and
Wales, helping them to famous victories over the All Blacks. He was part of the
successful 1955 Lions tour of South Africa. The Test series was drawn 22, and
Cliff Morgan outshone everyone when he eventually captained a skilful Lions
backline that included Arthur Smith and Jeff Butterfield.
Cliff, modest, unassuming and friendly as always, tells Watkin about his try in the
first Test at Ellis Park, in front of a contemporary world record crowd of a hundred
thousand, helping the Lions to make a fantastically close 2322 score. I made
my move from a strike against the head by my fellow Welshman Bryn Meredith. I

stuck my neck out and rocketed past the great Springbok wing forward Basie Van
Wyk to level the match.
You know, Jason, he was on TV in A Question of Sport and on the wiless, he
benefitted from his knowledge of music because he presented the Radio 2 series
These You Have Loved from 1970.
We chatted on the train for about half an hour before Cliff departed to his duties
in the BBC, he tells Jason, who cannot believe how much his Dad knows and who
he has met in the world of sport.
But thats nothing Dad, we had Gareth Edwards down our school and he is
Wales's youngest ever captain, first becoming the captain at twenty in the
Number 9 shirt. He led the Welsh side that dominated the Five Nations
Championship, and they won the title seven times, including three grand slams,
reports Jason. He started with Cardiff. And, Jason adds, he had twelve
seasons for Cardiff, scoring sixty nine tries in 195 games. He represented the
British and Irish Lions ten times.
He told us all about that try, for the Barbarians. It started with a penetrating
kick from the New Zealand winger. The ball dropped towards Phil Bennett near
his try line. Bennett sidestepped and avoided three tackles, in turn passing the
ball to JPR Williams.
Gareth told us that he was absolutely breathless and really needed a moment's
rest. When the ball went deep and I saw Phil was running back, I thought, 'Thank
God for that, Phil will know exactly what to do. He'll kick it to touch. But he
didnt, and he just stood there turning it over in his hands and I said hes going
to run it.
Then Gareth Edwards told us, All of a sudden I was thinking, 'If there is a
breakdown, I had better be there.' I was really just concentrating on getting to
where the ball was going to be and trying to anticipate if there was going to be a
tackle. So I turned around and started to run thinking to myself, 'Oh God, I had
better get going.'Jason said Gareth reported that he (Edwards) 'was coming up
from behind. I could see that the full-back, Joe Karam, had his eye on John. So by
the time Derek had the ball, I shouted at him in Welsh, Taflwch yma! Taflwch ef
yma! (Throw it here! Throw it here!)
'The rest was history and Im through the gap and it was then just a question of
'Can I get to the corner?' I was mindful that out of my peripheral vision, their
wing Grant Batty was coming over as cover. My old PE master always said to me:
'If you are close to the line, dive in, because it makes it harder for them to tackle
you, so I did and that was that. It was just a try, Gareth so modestly said.
http://www.theguardian.com/sport/blog/2013/jan/27/barbarians-all-blacksgreatest-try
Watkins next job involved work at Newport stadium where the stand was rather
primitive, with seating to the rear and terracing to the front. There were rows of

thin supporting pillars running across the middle of the stand. It didnt run the
full length of the pitch and had a portion of open terracing on one side. Watkin,
Cliff and the other men had to replace the planking and the runners with what
they thought was new wood that theyd bought from Mervyn Jenkins. Im
wondering about the safety of the spectators, though, Wat tells Cliff. Watkin,
who has turned over a new leaf since Diane left, and has given up the joking,
decides to change the whole stand section with brand new decking obtained
from Mon Timber in Newport.
In the clubhouse, Watkin tells everyone who wants to listen that hes going to the
Japan v Wales rugby match. The journey by air to Tokyo takes 18 hours and
Watkin attends on 21 September 75 at the Kintetsu Hanazono rugby stadium,
where Wales beats Japan 12 - 56. He returns to Tokyo for the match at the
Olympic stadium on 24 September with the Japan national side, who were beaten
6 82. It wasnt classed as a full international by Wales, Watkin recounts on his
subsequent return to the club, who fielded a Wales XV, not the 1st XV, he
continues.

Chapter 5
Weve signed a new one year contract for the sound system at the Empire Pool,
Cardiff Watkin tells Cliff and the others from the firm. Wat explains that the
construction of a new pool was not effected until Cardiff was picked to host the
1958 British Empire and Commonwealth games.
The location of the pool is right next to Cardiff Arms Park, which was the main
stadium for the Games, Wat added. Wat mentions that it has an international
standard swimming pool, which measures fifty five yards by twenty yards (50.29
x 18.28 metres) with a depth of between three feet and 16 feet. (0.91 x 3.65
metres) The lads take the opportunity for a swim in their break times and enjoy
the refreshing and not too chlorinated water of the pool. Wat shows off with his
diving, and Cliff surpasses himself with the over arm crawl, completing the pool
length in thirty-five seconds. The lads even manage an impromptu game of
water polo, with Watkin now in goal and Cliff scoring all the points.
Daddy, Daddy, Im having fun on this trampoline, cries Tracey who Watkin has
collected for the weekend from her mother, who is installed in a terraced flat in
Dunvant with her new lover. The whoops of joy and delight coming from Tracey in
the garden fill Watkin with pleasure, and promises her Next week Ill take you to
the bouncy castle and we can watch the cricket in the afternoon, then its down
to Joe's ice cream parlour in the yard of the Oystermouth train station on the
Mumbles railway. Joe is sure to give us some great knickerbocker glories with
raspberry and chocolate topping. Did you know, Trace, that Mr. Cascarini from

Italy started his cafe because all the workers didnt have anywhere to go in the
mornings when they needed a refreshing roasted bean coffee? Wat asks Tracey.
After that Ill take you back to Mummy, and on the way well pop in and see
your Gran in West Cross, Wat plans ahead, thinking how much he misses her in
the week.
The following weekend, after the bouncy castle and the cricket at Singleton Park,
its the promised visit to Joes ice cream parlour. Would you like a strawberry,
raspberry, vanilla, or chocolate flavouring on your dessert, Trace? The parlour,
in an old tin shack converted into a cafe, is commodious enough and Tracey goes
Dad, this ice cream is the best in the world. Whats it made from Dad?' Wat
explains, Its a family secret handed down by Joe Cascarini to his family ever
since and its one of the best kept secrets in the trade. Jason, you can get a
vanilla, lemon crisp, a blackcurrant cream, a lemon meringue, a double raspberry
ice, or even a blueberry chocabockerglory.' Wat enjoys a plain vanilla in a dish
with wafers and nut topping and after a chat about the cricket with Cliff, who
happens to be there with his family, they depart for the visit to Wats Mum.
Look at all those lovely seagulls, Trace. Where, Dad? Tracey asks. Over near
the Mumbles Pier, Watkin cries out aboard PS Waverley. They are on the paddle
steamer Waverley that was rebuilt on the Clyde after the original one was
destroyed at the Dunkirk evacuations. Were going to be in Ilfracombe, Devon in
three hours explains Watkin to the kids as they enjoy the bracing sea air and
enjoy wandering around the paddle steamer, looking at its enormous wooden
paddle on each side of the boat and the onboard, coal fired steam engines,
sending out hisses and snorts as it works. Right out at sea in the Bristol Channel,
Wat says You can see Flat Holmes and Steep Holmes where Saint Gildas lived
when visiting his friend Saint Cadoc, and view the welcoming cliffs of Devon, he
added.
They have time to finish some homemade sandwiches that Wat has managed to
prepare, and Jason carries the bag with the Smiths crisps, and pickled onions
and lemonade from TT Thomas, of course. Arrived in Ilfracombe harbour they
can only fish the lower section of the pier for a couple of hours before low tide,
and Jason manages to catch a few flounders. Come on kids, its time for the
return trip Watkin explains, and they leave Ilfracombe harbour and set out to
sea for Swansea docks and Mumbles pier.
Well buy some lavabread, a delicacy made from seaweed, in Swansea market
Wat tells Jason and well have a good fry-up with bacon, eggs, tomatoes,
sausage, fried bread, beans and mushrooms.
Did you know, Jas, that the original, dome roof of Swansea market was made
from the remains of the Brabazon aircraft that was built in Filton, Bristol at the
British Aircraft Corporation factory, he explains to his son, who is quite
interested in aeroplanes. Actually Jason, a Brabazon airliner prototype, at the
time one of the largest aircraft in the world, first flew from Bristol over Swansea
and back, Wat says on the shopping trip to the market.

Well go fishing in the River Loughor, and next they are out wading in their thigh
high rubber boots obtained from Bill Edwards in the amazingly beautiful waters
of the salmon and sea trout river. Well try a number 3 fly, and did you know
theres some fantastic fishing on this river.
Its very popular for the night fly fishermen, Watkin continues, and it gets to
produce double-figure sea trout every year without fail, Watkin mentions. Dye
know Jas, years ago, the fish that was caught in the Llwchwr river was carried on
ponies via Dunvant and Olchfa in to be sold at Swansea Market; as well as the
cockles from Penclawdd that were carried on donkeys, and on foot by women.
They return home with four trout and all fall to bed wet, tired, exhausted but
happy.
Well do eighteen holes, Cliff and then well stop off for a jar in the clubhouse.
The Langland Bay course is a premier Welsh course with spectacular ocean views
that Watkin and Cliff enjoy all afternoon on their round. Cliff, the real sportsman
and all rounder, manages a par 3 with his handicap of as much as five, and he
wins the game easily. Wat plays a relaxed round, now that the kids are his, and
manages a par 4 but did slice a few into the rough, the rough being the Bristol
Channel at the edge of the clifftop.
He reflects on the future back at the eighteenth hole and envisions a more
settled and contented life without too many of the distractions, griefs and
worries that marriage had brought to him, deciding to play life straight and walk
the walk instead of talk the talk.

The End

Tony Lewis with Ajit Wadekar, Captain of India.

By kind permission of Glamorgan Cricket Club

Gareth Edwards breaks through v Llanelli at Cardiff Arms Park 23 February 1974

Cardiff wing forward Stuart Lane, 1978. Swansea defenders on the spot.

Stuart Watkins 100th try Newport v. Cardiff Rodney Parade November 1968

[W1]
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/sport/rugby/rugby-news/crippling-legal-fees-playerexodus-9428512

Copyright (c)2012
Powered by: Best Web Hosting and Affiliate Programs Directory. Created
with Free Website Builder