Tools of Recovery:

This Recovery Tools section is divided into five major pages:

A list of 40 Recovery Tools

A list of positive and negative behaviors in recovery

"Best Advice: A compendium of advice for overcoming sexual dependency... as

related by the addicts themselves."; 1990 Patrick J Carnes, Ph.D.

A list of 36 Stress Reducers

A list of 47 Qualities of a Relationship

A List of 40 Recovery Tools

1. Abstinence (partial or total): We get support and growth by abstaining from people,
places or things that we consider harmful. Early in recovery a period of total sexual
abstinence is a benefit; without abstinence, recovery is impossible. Some people call
this a period of celibacy. Later abstinence will come to mean abstaining from your
bottom line behaviors (sometimes called inner circle behaviors) and boundaries
(sometimes called middle circle behaviors).
2. Acceptance: Accept that you are a sex and love addict. Don't blame yourself for
failures, but don't give in either. There is no room in recovery for guilt and shame, as
they perpetuate the shame spiral that often feeds our very addiction. Guilt is when we
feel we've done something bad. Shame is when we feel that we are bad. Both of
these attitudes need to be addressed head-on in recovery. Recovery provides us an
opportunity to change our behaviors.
3. Affirmations: Daily affirmations are a way of retraining "old thoughts" of low selfesteem.
4. Anonymity and Confidentiality: Guard other's safety by not repeating what is heard
in a meeting or other confidential setting; value yourself and others by practicing
"principles before personalities." By using first names only, we guarantee that
everyone will feel safe to share, and we place everyone on an equal footing. Living
respectfully of others is an important thread in the fabric of recovery.
5. Balance: Balancing your life is important. To help build balance in your life and
relationships, each day remember to develop personal relationships with people other
than your partner. Engage in pleasure, education, rest, creativity, spiritual
involvement, and play. Becoming compulsive about recovery does not make you
sober and healthy; it merely substitutes another compulsion.

6. Carry Recovery with You: Keep reminders, cues, instructions, or anything else that
will help in your purse or wallet. Those things might include phone numbers of
recovery friends, photographs of loved ones, your recovery plan, etc.
7. Conferences, conventions, retreats, and workshops: Conferences, conventions,
retreats, and workshops provide opportunities to spend more time focused on recovery
and in the company of other members of the fellowship. While the home websites
often provide information about these activities, not all local groups/intergroups make
use of these pages, so local meeting announcements are a wonderful resource (if
available). Pages to check include: http://saa-recovery.org/NewsAndEvents/ ,
http://www.sca-recovery.org/conference.htm, and http://www.slaafws.org/events.
8. Deep breathing: If you feel a panic attack coming on, try taking slow deep breaths
until sanity begins to return. Try other healing physical activities like soaking in a hot
bath, looking in a mirror and saying "I love you" or other affirmations, or repeating
the Serenity Prayer.
9. Honesty: Work to eliminate denial, half truths, white lies, fibs, partial truths and
overt dishonesty with ourselves and others.
10. Humor: "Laughter is the best medicine" is true. Never take yourself too seriously.
Enjoy a healthy comedy movie or TV show when you feel down.
11. Journaling: Writing provides a way to become honest with ourselves and our Higher
Power. By writing in journals, gratitude lists, letters and emails we can measure our
progress, values, motives, and Twelve Step work. Record your thoughts, feelings, and
insights. This can be an enormous help in developing and repairing your relationship
with yourself. This also serves to show later how short-term our feelings can be.
12. Literature: Sexual recovery is a portable program: we can make use of AA, NA,
COSA, Co-SLAA, S-Anon, OA, or any relevant recovery books and literature, plus
our own books and pamphlets. Read some recovery literature everyday. Daily reading
helps keep your focus on recovery. If you get one good new idea from a whole book,
it was worth it. Become more knowledgeable about you addiction by any reading
relevant books and visiting informational websites. It can tide you over till you're able
to make contact with another member. It also deepens your knowledge of the
program, and no matter how often you read it, there's always something surprising to
learn. The SCAnner, the bi-annual magazine of SCA, is available by subscription
from their website. The Journal, the bi-monthly magazine of S.L.A.A., the Journal,
available from SLAA-FWS for $24.00 annually, is available from their website. The
Outer Circle, the bi-monthly magazine of SAA, is available from their website by
subscription (and past issues are archived there).
13. Live in the moment: "One Day At a Time" as we often say. The thought of making
a pledge to never act out sexually again can be discouraging and overwhelming. It's
important not to worry about the past or project the future, just stay in the moment. If
necessary, take it one hour or even one minute at a time. If you become overwhelmed
by tasks to be accomplished, make yourself a list of things to do. Keep them small
and simple. Tasks that can be accomplished in five minutes or less can be as
rewarding as major long-term tasks, especially in that moment of confusion and

bewilderment. Be mindful when your attention is not in the moment. When your
mind dwells in the future or the past, you can do nothing. Remember, the only time
you can ever do anything is right now.
14. Meetings: Meetings (whether in real life or online) are where we share our
experience, strength and hope with each other to better understand our common
problem and work together towards the solution. Even if you feel you'll die if you
don't act out or your mind doesn't want you to get better, you need to "bring the body"
to a meeting. Even when something is "more important" or more exciting or more
fun, get to a meeting. Very subtly your value system will get healed. We failed to do
it alone, but we can do it together. You can listen to others tell of what it was like,
what happened to them and what it is like now. You listen for the similarities and
discard the differences. In these meetings you learn valuable information about your
disease and how the 12-step program works. Members give and receive support,
work the steps, and share experience, strength and hope in a safe environment. At
first, attend as many meetings as you can. If possible, attend meetings daily for the
first 90 days and practice abstinence to the best of your ability. The slogan "90
meetings in 90 days" is a sure-fire way to learn the true meaning of "First Things
First." Making a meeting every day no matter what is a foolproof way to discipline
deep habits of "giving in" and self-indulgence habits so deep they seem our true
selves rather than the voice of our illness.
15. Open-mindedness: Be vigilant to listen for similarities and not differences. We
share common feelings, no matter what our acting-out behavior involved. Be very
mindful to not separate yourself from recovery or the fellowship. We all feel
"terminally unique" sometimes, but with time we learn that we are part of a larger
unity that overcomes miracles.
16. People, Places and Things: Choose to avoid all triggering situations, or make them
safe if you can't avoid them. You don't have to go to business meetings at nude bars.
You can tell the others that going to such places interferes with your spiritual growth.
If you can't avoid some triggers such as working on a computer, make it safe for
yourself. Install blocking software (so that you don't know the password), keep your
door open, turn the screen toward the door, put the computer at home in a public area,
never go online when you are alone. You can figure out the details. Avoiding triggers
is respecting your own boundaries.
17. Physical Activity: Spend time doing fun activities, and get involved in sports,
exercise, and other physical activities. This is useful for all addicts and particularly
important for those who became sedentary with their addictions. No matter what the
activity (even cleaning) releases natural endorphins in the brain which help us feel
healthy.
18. Prayer and Meditation: Prayer and meditation are a means of establishing a
conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, for spiritual healing. Regular
spiritual practices help us connect with our Higher Power, which strengthens our
recovery. There is a website (http://worldprayers.org) with worldwide prayers and
meditations. It is important to explore whatever beliefs you have in a power greater
than yourself. This may be God as you know God through your religious beliefs or
values. Your higher power may be nature, the energy of the universe, your 12 Step

group, or any other thing that is greater than you are. There are no religious
requirements or beliefs necessary for recovery. Some people have either lost their
spirituality before coming to recovery and some have never had any spiritual beliefs.
In recovery you may experience a new or reawakened spiritual feeling. Some of these
awakened feelings may challenge your religious upbringing. Be open-minded. Pray
for help from your Higher Power as you understand it or don't understand it.
Particularly effective is the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the
difference." In emergency situations, some of us use it as a mantra, saying it over and
over till the crisis passes.
19. Prioritize: Make recovery your number one priority. All of your hopes and plans,
your very survival depends on your recovery. It may not make sense at the beginning
but your order of priority should be: #1 Sobriety; #2 Physical and Mental Health; #3
Financial; #4 Family Relationships
20. Professional Help: Your addiction may have been a subconscious way of selfmedicating yourself for wounds you carry from your earlier life. It is important to
work with a professional who understands sexual addiction or is willing to learn. This
is another way to keep yourself on the path of recovery. Remember that recovery is
much more than abstinence from sexually addictive behaviors. You may want to seek
out group therapy, individual therapy, or both. If possible, including your spouse or
partner in therapy, both individually and as a couple, can be a great benefit to the
recovery of both and to your relationship. We also suffer from cognitive distortions
(core beliefs): it is erroneous to think: "I am basically a bad, unworthy person;" "No
one would ever love me as I am;" "My needs are never going to be met if I have to
depend on others;" "Sex is my most important need." These core beliefs provide the
structure for many particular errors in thinking. Cognitive errors distort the
experience of the sexual addict to conform to the shameful core beliefs. The
particular errors also screen out any new, potentially corrective information. For
example, the sexual addict who fundamentally believes that "no one will love me the
way I really am" will set up relationships so that there is ample evidence of rejection
of the true self and support for the false, public self. A professional therapist can help
us better understand cognitive distortions and retrain our core beliefs.
21. Recovery Partners: Being accountable to someone is an important anchor for
sobriety. Make an agreement with someone to check in daily if at all possible.
That person should have a list of questions very specific questions to ask you
and that you have agreed to answer honestly. Your partner may be a member of your
group, a friend in recovery, your therapist, or a good friend. A recovery partner must
be someone you trust and with whom you feel safe. Shaming by an accountability
partner is not acceptable. It is not recommended that you ask your life partner to be
your recovery partner. This tool can be a valuable addition to your sponsor.
22. Recovery Plan: A recovery plan is a pre-determined way of expressing our sexuality
consistent with our values, so that even when confused, we have a written guideline to
help us. In defining our own sobriety, we make a list of all of our acting out
behaviors. Making this list is very specific and is followed by a solemn commitment
to yourself not to engage in those behaviors. We choose, one day and one situation at
a time, not to engage in those behaviors. Set your bottom lines; discuss your bottom

lines; know your bottom lines; observe your bottom lines. Read over your sexual
recovery plan frequently. Remembering our goals helps us lose the craving to go
back to the anguish and confusion we are beginning to ease out of. Most recovery
plans include personal boundaries in addition to bottom lines from which we
completely abstain. Boundaries are the "slippery" slopes that can became blurred or
even non-existent when we were in our sexual addiction. Part of recovery is
identifying appropriate boundaries or limits with respect to people, places and
activities. For example, we might choose to set a boundary regarding keeping
company with people who continue in their addictions. This is self-protective and
healthy. When we were in our addiction there was nothing we would not do and
nothing we felt we could not or should not do. Now, in recovery, we must set
boundaries to keep ourselves healthy and safe. There is no right or wrong way to
write a recovery plan for yourself. Some members benefit by seeing an existing plan
in use. Here are two members' plans: One Two; and we will gladly post additional
ones that members wish to submit.
23. Relationships: Dating is a way of changing the instant gratification habit and getting
to know more about ourselves and another person, before committing to any sexual
decisions. We let go of self-serving power and prestige as driving motives.
24. Reminders: Simple reminders can often be a powerful way to stay sober. For
instance, posting small signs or post-its with affirmations or healthy reminders near
your computer, your bathroom mirror, your car's interior, or wherever you want to be
"reminded" can be a gentle nudge to staying on the path of recovery.
25. S.A.F.E. Formula: The S.A.F.E. Formula is an easy way to define addiction. If the
following elements are present, then the person's sexual problems could be called an
addiction: Secret; Abusive; Feelings; Empty. Secret It is a secret. Anything that
cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life. Abusive It is
abusive to self or others. Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades
oneself will activate the addictive system. Feelings It is used to avoid or is a
source of painful feelings. If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful
mood shifts it is clearly part of the addictive process. Empty It is empty of a
caring committed relationship. Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and
recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships. The addict runs a great risk
by being sexual outside a committed relationship.
26. Service: Service is helping ourselves by helping others. Service includes
participating in activities that support your Twelve Step group as a whole, including
leading meetings, sponsoring, reaching out to newcomers, telling your story, serving
as any trusted servant position, writing an article for the Journal, or volunteering in
other ways. You may also serve by helping your neighbors, volunteering in your
church, and so on. The benefit of service is not limited to serving in the recovery
community. The benefit is in connecting with others through their needs rather than
your own.
27. Sharing: Being honest and vulnerable in front of fellow recovering addicts is
frightening but worth it. Many of us believe we recover in direct proportion to our
willingness to share. Some recovering addicts commit to talking during the
discussion time in each meeting.

28. Slogans: Slogans are simple statements that can be used in crisis situations, so that
we have some basic guidelines. These include: One Day At a Time; Live and Let
Live; Easy Does It; Progress, Not Perfection; First Things First; Keep It Simple; Let
Go and Let God; HOW (How our program works: Honesty, Open-mindedness,
Willingness); HALT (Not allowing ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely,
or Tired), Meeting-makers Make It, But For the Grace of God, and many more.
29. Socializing: Socializing is a way of breaking down our isolation and getting to know
other people in a nonsexual context at fellowship after meetings, in supportive
organizations and groups, and in the community at large. Spend time with people.
Isolation is a part of your disease. Find ways to be in contact with people. Meetings
are good, but the company of others is good too. The only limit is that those people
must support your sobriety even if they don't know you are an addict. You can also
"socialize" by posting to forum message boards and recovery groups like:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/slaa2, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/astarttorecovery,
and the SCA website.
30. Sponsorship: Sponsorship is two people with the same problem helping each other
to work the program. It can provide a framework for a recovery plan and for doing
the 12-Steps, and bring emotional support at difficult times. As part of the surrender
process, we admit our weaknesses and we ask others for help. A sponsor is a
recovering addict with more sobriety and program experience than you. Your sponsor
should be someone with whom you can communicate. Find a sponsor immediately,
even if they are only temporary. You can always change sponsors later if the
relationship does not work out.
31. Start a Meeting: While there are online meetings, some suggest that they have no
local meetings to attend. SLAA Fellowship Wide Services provides help in creating
new groups. Tradition 3 states, "The only requirement for S.L.A.A. membership is
the desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. Any two or more
persons gathered together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction
may call themselves an S.L.A.A. group, provided that as a group they have no other
affiliation." No matter how new you feel that you are in recovery, you are most
welcome to create a group, and this tool works toward "Meetings," "Service,"
"Sharing," Support Network," "Replace Behaviors with Healthy Ones," "Socializing"
and more. It is worth the effort.
32. Support Network: Meeting with other people to discuss your journey helps you to
know you are not alone and allows you to get another perspective on your struggles.
Cultivate communication with other recovering people between meetings, either by
phone, the Internet, or in person; ask for support when needed. These relationships
are best cultivated in non-crisis times. Some recovering people commit to talk with
someone everyday.
33. Surrender: "Surrender to Win" is a slogan. Webster first defines surrender as: to
yield to the power, control, or possession (of another upon compulsion or demand); to
give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another. So often
newcomers "fight" for their recovery/sobriety by "white-knuckling" the symptoms of
this dis-ease of addiction. Once we learn to surrender to the process of recovery,
through the use of all of these tools, we begin to see how it can be easier to gain

victory. If I was up for a boxing match with <insert any major boxer's name here>, I
would certainly loose if I really got into the ring. For my own health, it is far better
for me to surrender before the match, than to take a beating.
34. Take the First Step: Repeat the works "We admitted we were powerless over our sex
and love addiction that our lives had become unmanageable," until the meaning
begins to sink in. If we really accept that we have no power over our compulsion, we
will be able to turn it over to our Higher Power, to our sponsor, to the program.
35. Telephone: The Telephone is your lifeline between meetings. Get phone numbers
from other members in your program. Get used to calling someone daily. It is an
important way to break out of the isolation that is so strongly a part of the disease.
You may be shy and hesitant at first but by training yourself to call someone, it will be
easy to place that call when that moment of crisis arises. And it will! Don't tell
yourself people don't want to be bothered; phone calls are one of the ways we all stay
sober. SLAA is a selfish program, and everything we do in it including getting
phone calls is for our own sobriety. Try calling somebody with a lot of sobriety.
In times of danger it's more important than ever to "stick with the winners."
36. Think It Through: "Interrupt the acting out" by developing and memorizing a set of
strategies to help you to avoid acting out (back to a well-written recovery plan).
Postpone the slip, reminding yourself you can have it later but you'll talk to someone
first. Our feelings are real, but often very short-lived. Ask yourself, "will you really
get what you want if you go through with this?" Don't dwell on how exciting it's
going to be, but remind yourself of the misery that inevitably has to follow.
37. Top Lines: Replace Behaviors with Healthy Ones: Break the habit pattern. We can't
get sober in a vacuum. We can't simply stop destructive behavior. We have to replace
it with healthy new activities. Often we have to be as compulsive for a time about
sobriety as we were about acting out. Try taking creative actions you've never taken
before. Prove to yourself you are capable of healthy actions by taking them. "In
maintaining my sobriety, I find it more useful to keep in mind what I call my top line
rather than my bottom line. My top line is what I do want for myself, my program
goals. I want to integrate myself physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; to
relate to others from a state of wholeness; to live making decisions from a place of
freedom and clarity rather than compulsion and confusion; to feel sufficiently safe to
stay open enough to find the little realities of life moving, rather than needing to get
dropped off a cliff to get a thrill. I want to be present, see things the way they are, and
be glad to be alive. These things are beginning to happen for me." 1986 Sex and
Love Addicts Anonymous p. 270
38. Twelve Steps: Working the steps is the foundation of recovery; they are a set of
spiritual practices for personal growth and recovery. Meetings may keep you sober
for some time, but the Twelve Steps are vital for a stable and happy recovery. The
Steps are the means by which you move from the problem of addiction to the solution
of recovery. You learn about the Steps by reading the literature, by attending Stepstudy meetings, and by working with a knowledgeable sponsor. Read the Twelve
Steps and work them. Join a step study; discuss a step at your Twelve Step meetings,
with your sponsor, therapist, recovery partner and others who are supportive of your

recovery. But work the Steps! An AA step study guide can be found at
http://www.syix.com/mleahey/steps.htm.
39. Willingness: Become willing. Open your mind to the possibility of giving up the
slip, rather than giving in to it. It will feel that there's no way you can break the
power of your own will. There is. But it can only be done by taking a positive
action. Willingness is action. Remember: There is hope; there is a future.
40. Withdrawal: Withdrawal Gateway to Freedom, Hope, and Joy: "The pain of
withdrawal is unique, special, even precious (although you probably don't now think
so). In a sense, the experience is you, a part of you which has been trying to surface
for a long time. You have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time now,
yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it. You need to go through
withdrawal in order to become a whole person. You need to meet yourself. Behind
the terror of what you fear, withdrawal contains the seeds for your own personal
wholeness. It must be experienced for you to realize, or make real, that potential for
you and your life which has been stored there for so long." Reprinted by permission.
Excerpted from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, copyright by The Augustine
Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship-Services, Inc., Boston,
MA, 1986

A list of positive and negative behaviours in recovery

POSITIVE GROUP BEHAVIORS
Much of what we have learned to date may block communication and
may get in the way of creative relationships, friends, associates, mates,
and family. The following behaviors tend to help us become more
"open" and able to give and receive clear communication with others.
1. SPEAK WITH THE FIRST PERSON "I." Instead of "People feel...," or "You
get to feeling... ," etc., say "I think...," "I feel...." This gives more of a
flavor of you rather than broad generalities.
2. SPEAK DIRECTLY TO INDIVIDUALS. Look and speak directly into their
face(s). If another person asks you, "How do you feel about Sam right
now?" for example, turn to Sam and say, "Sam, I feel you were very kind
to me a minute ago when you said...," or "I resent you right now," or
whatever rather than answering the one who questioned you originally.
3. SPEAK FROM YOUR HONEST FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. There is no
taboo on language, thoughts, feelings or expressions in this kind of group.
Failing to communicate exactly what one feels be it anger or affection or
indifference towards another is deemed "kindness" by the world and all
too often is the most cruel thing we can do to one another. It is based on
lying and not giving a person the compliment of being able to handle
honest feelings. How can persons behave properly if they have never
been honestly told how others react to them?
4. BE AWARE AT ALL TIMES OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF
THE MOMENT. Express them at the earliest appropriate time. Be aware
even if you cannot express a perception of the moment. You cannot live
creatively if you cloud the present with the imagined past a memory.
The dreams of future never come. We freely live in one dimension of time
the here and now.
5. READ THE MESSAGES FROM YOUR OWN BODY. Your body is a most
basic, tangible aspect of yourself. It is continually giving you messages.
The open or closed portions of your limbs, sweaty palms, feeling "fidgety,"
rapid heartbeat, moving to a closer or more remote seat, flushed face,
increased elimination needs all these and more tell that you are afraid,
angry, irritated, worried, embarrassed, wanting to be closer to a person,
anxious, etc. These messages can be noted and understood.
6. BE AS SPONTANEOUS AS POSSIBLE. Too often, we "mull over," think
about, choose careful language, wait too long, try to be polite, wait our
turn to speak or react. This may "water down," negate our freshness,
sparkle and genuineness. Try to let ideas, thoughts and feelings flow out
and over as they will convey the true "view."
7. BE AWARE OF THE ROLES YOU TAKE AND YOUR CHARACTERISTIC
BEHAVIOR. It has been observed that we tend to behave similarly in
many situations. For instance, some of us tend to be ready for a scrap in
many situations. Others tend to withdraw or run away from a

confrontation, while others are "peacemakers" or compromisers. Another

may behave very differently in each situation, carefully "sampling" popular
opinion and then taking that side. By observing yourself and others in this
group, you can come to helpful insights.
8. BE AWARE OF HOW PERSONS IN THIS GROUP REMIND YOU OF
SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE IN YOUR PAST OR PRESENT LIFE. Interacting
with those persons can often work out actually or completely like the
persons of whom they remind you.
9. LISTEN ACTIVELY. Good communication involves clear expressions of
not only what you think and feel, but also listening clearly to the words,
feelings and behavior communications of others (it is good to attempt to
"crawl into another's skin" or "wear their shoes" in your imagination in
order to understand them). There is a strong tendency to "read in" things
we feel, while missing what a person is expressing because it bothers us
for some reason. Techniques such as repeating back to a person what you
thought they said before you answer might be helpful, if it does not
demand spontaneity. One can learn to allow for one's own biases and
prejudices which may distort what is going on in and around us.
10.DON'T SPEAK FOR OTHERS. Such as, "Most people think...," "A person
always feels...," or "I think So-and-so feels you don't like him/her." Speak
for yourself or ask the person what they are feeling or thinking. If you feel
empathy for a person or feel like defending or attacking someone, speak
for what you are experiencing at that moment rather than attributing it to
others.
11.TRY TO HAVE GENUINE "ENCOUNTERS" WITH OTHERS. The aim of
an encounter is not necessarily to either fight (or avoid anger), to always
be on good terms, or to "love" everyone. It is rather to realize that the
basic stuff of life is to contact, interact, feel, and communicate
meaningfully with others. A quarrel is often better than complacently
ignoring another. To know that you have been true to yourself while
meaningfully interacting with another, also being true to them, is a major
aim of such an experience like this. It can have favorable consequences in
your social relationships outside of this group.
12.EXPECT PERIODS OF SILENCE. Although they may seem, at first,
uncomfortable, creative things can occur in our awareness and our
consciousness. Use silence to be aware of what's happening in you.
13.IN ENCOUNTERS, USE THE "FEEDBACK PROCESS" WHEN DIRECTING
A PARTICULAR CONCERN OR FEELING TOWARD ANOTHER PERSON.
The "feedback process" is: a) I observe; b) I assume; c) I feel.

NEGATIVE GROUP BEHAVIORS

Here is a list of frequently seen group behaviors that need to be
confronted as they happen. Take the risk to confront your own
behaviors. Take the risk to confront the behaviors of your peers.
Whether they are directly connected to acting out or not, these
behaviors will lead to relapse. Remember, this is about behavior, not
the person. We confront what we see another group member doing,
not who he or she is. Treat the individual with unconditional respect.
1. EXCUSE MAKING. For example: "I act out because I'm depressed," or "I
act out because my spouse doesn't understand me."
2. BLAMING AND PROJECTION. Permits the build-up of resentments and
gets the focus off the recovering person and puts it on others. For
example: "The trouble with you is that you're always so critical. Who
wouldn't act out!" " The cop that stopped me is angry at the world."
3. REDEFINING. Shifts the focus of an issue to avoid solving the problem.
For example: "I acted out because the language in the Big Book is old
fashioned and too religious." "I acted out because my sponsor told me I
could date."
4. SUPER-OPTIMISM. For example: "I think, therefore, it is." "I can stop
acting out because I put my mind to it. I don't need any support."
5. SUPER-PESSIMISM. "Stinking thinking." For example: "What's the use,
everyone's against me."
6. LYING. Confuses, distorts, and takes the focus off the behavior. Examples
are:
o

Commission making things up that are simply not true.

Omission leaving out major sections.

Assent presenting others' ideas to look good with no intention of

following through.

7. MAKING FOOLS OF OTHERS. By putting others down, we take the focus

off our own behaviors.
8. ASSUMING. For example: "Nobody cares about me anyway." Gives us an
excuse to blow up, get angry, or act out.
9. I'M UNIQUE. "No one can tell me what to do." "Nobody understands my
problems."
10.INGRATIATING. Finding out what you can get from other people, how you
can control them, use them, or control the situation for your own
purposes. For example: "You're my favorite counselor."

11.MINIMIZING. For example: "I only drank three beers." "I only called my
DOC to see how s/he was doing."
12.VAGUENESS. Being unclear and nonspecific to avoid being pinned down.
"I guess." "Probably." "Maybe." "I'm not sure about this." "I drink
socially." "I acted out occasionally." "I've used it."
13.AGGRESSION / DOMINANCE. Scaring others by our power and strength
so that they will agree with us or leave us alone.
14.POWER PLAYS. Walking out of a room during a disagreement or
organizing others to support our anger.
15.VICTIM PLAYING. Acting like the King Baby, or whining and acting
helpless, or acting too stupid to do anything for ourselves.
16.DRAMA / EXCITEMENT / SENSATIONALIZING. A distraction which
keeps the focus off our own behavior.
17.SECRETIVE AND CLOSE-MINDED. Opposite of going to any length of
whatever works.
18.IMAGE AND SELF-DEFINITION. For example: "That's me. That's just the
way I am. I'm just a quiet person."
19.GRANDIOSITY. For example: "I've spilled more booze that you've
drank!" "I've acted out for over fifty years before coming to recovery."
20.INTELLECTUALIZING. Going ten miles out of the way to state a point;
using academic, abstract, or theoretical discussions to avoid dealing with
the feelings associated with the issue.
21.RATIONALIZING. Unconsciously devising reasonable, plausible, or logical
explanations for acting out or beliefs rather than honest accountability.
22.STAYING IN THE SAFETY ZONE. Withholding information because of the
fear of confrontation; being "stuck" in our recovery and not doing work
because we feel safe in being abstinent.
23.ISOLATION. Avoiding contact with others, so as to avoid dealing with
feelings or changing behaviors.
24.REPRESSION. Unconsciously blocking events that are too painful to deal
with.
25.RUMINATING. Replaying old tapes or past events over and over, rather
than taking stock of the past, present, and future with willingness to "let
go" and change.

Best Advice: A compendium of advice for overcoming sexual

dependency... as related by the addicts themselves. 1990 Patrick J
Carnes, Ph.D.
reprinted with permission Fri-6-September-2002

Number 1 Developing Twelve Step Support

1. Find people with significant recovery to learn from. If you cannot
find people and groups in your area, call national fellowship offices for long
distance contact. Also, each fellowship has national conferences every
year at which you can meet people.
2. Remember that Twelve Step support is essential. Twelve-Step
support lays the foundation for the repair you need to do and sustains
growth.
3. You must use the phone. Overcoming fear of using the phone is critical
if you are to stay in touch with group members and sponsors. It is okay to
call as many times as you need even many times in one day or in an
hour.
4. Be patient. Going through the stages takes time. There are no magic
solutions only time and constant use of the program principles.
5. Go to meetings consistently. Find groups that are right for you and
make a commitment to them. Remember, you are building a support
network for yourself.
6. Use your sponsor(s). A sponsor is someone who knows the detail of
what has happened to you and coaches you on using the program. You
can ask for a temporary sponsor. You can have more than one sponsor.
7. Use program literature. Find program material. Study them. Ask
about whatever you don't understand.
8. Maintain contact outside the meetings. Often more happens outside
the meeting than in it. Groups often adjourn for coffee or supper. Some
have standing breakfasts and lunches. Some offer retreats and open
meetings. Participate in the life of the fellowship by going to these events.
Number 2 Telling Others About Your Addiction
1. Be careful: tell only those you trust. This was far and away the most
frequent comment. Addicts say that in deciding whether to tell someone,
the key criterion is this: how much do you trust that person.
2. Wait. Even after having decided to tell someone, take time to think over
your decision before actually going through with it.
3. Know your motives. What payoffs do you seek? Do you want support
or are you looking for approval?

4. Do it if you can help others with the same problem. Sharing with
people who need to be in the program or who already are in the program
helps them and the group as well as yourself.
5. Remember, it is not necessary to tell many people at all. You don't
have to tell even when people ask or pry.
6. You must tell your therapist, family, and the people closest to
you. It would be unfair to them if you did not share something this
significant. Besides, these people are all vital to your healing process. You
might consult your therapist about appropriate points to make in talking
with your family and friends.
7. When in doubt, check with your sponsor and your group. They can
provide the support you need to make safe decisions.
8. Mistakes will happen. All addicts tell someone they later wish they had
not told. It is okay to make a mistake.
Number 3 Avoiding The Extremes
1. When in doubt, check with your therapist, your sponsor, or a
group member. Living in the extremes is part of the old addictive mold
that the Big Book of A.A. calls "cunning and baffling." Addicts and coaddicts need ongoing input from others to keep in balance and as a check
on their own deal.
2. Be clear about your needs. Many addicts emphasized that recovery
offers human and spiritual resources to help people understand what they
need and want. Take care of your basic needs of hunger, rest, and
support.
3. Make balance an important goal. Figure out boundaries that help you
maintain balance. Make those boundaries your priority.
4. Learn to do kind things for yourself. One addict told us, "Now I see a
better way: we need to be more gentle with ourselves."
5. Develop self-awareness. Be an observer of yourself by using meetings,
journals, and meditations.
6. Work on the old hurts. Your feelings will become important guides to
the balance you need.
7. Act "as if." At first, not being in the extremes will seem awkward and
unrewarding. In order to distance yourself from your fear, pretend that
this is okay. Ask your sponsor about the Third Step.
8. Leave cyclic, destructive relationships. Avoid partners and friends
who persist in old patterns of escalation. If they are not committed to
pursuing balance, you must take action. Leave or at least separate from
them until your recovery is solidified.

Number 4 Developing Sobriety and Healthy Sexuality

1. Pick an extended period of celibacy. The top priority for most addicts
is to experience a period of celibacy. Celibacy helps the person clear out
unmanageability, to feel more alive again, and to reclaim repressed
memories.
2. Be patient with yourself. Gentleness, kindness, and self-care are
watchwords. To change after years of compulsion is a huge task, and you
will make mistakes. As one addict observed, "Don't make self-love
contingent on abstinence."
3. Accept yourself as a sexual person. Sexuality and sobriety are, as
another addict advised, "possible, and not a contradiction in terms... sex is
not dirty and shameful." You must distinguish between your addiction and
your sexuality. Sobriety is about addiction, not about sexuality. Your
sexuality is to be embraced, not denied.
4. Work on boundaries. Boundaries give you clarity about your sexual self
and help to reduce shame. As guidelines, they serve as a bulwark against
denial, obsessive thinking, and relapse.
5. Keep others current. Always keep others in your program informed
about happenings in your sexual life. When in doubt or when confronting
something new, check it out. Have no secrets, and avoid becoming
isolated.
6. Understand that things will change. Your vision of your sexuality will
change dramatically with time in recovery. You will need to allow yourself
that process.
7. Accept the imperfect. The search for perfection in relationships and sex
cause many addicts to discard relationships before they recognized their
potential. The search was futile and the losses real.
Number 5 Beginning a Celibacy Period
1. View it as a time-out, not an end. A celibacy period will provide you
pace to refocus on other needs. It is not a sentence, not the end of your
sexuality. On the contrary, celibacy will make you fully aware of your
sexual self.
2. Work through commitment issues with your partner. The decision
to be celibate will affect your partner. Respecting your partner means
involving him or her in your thinking so you can commit together to the
celibacy period.
3. Get support from therapist, sponsor, and group. You will need their
guidance and help to maximize the experience. Being open with those in
your network will help you implement your plan.
4. Expect that it will raise issues. For many, this change is drastic and
places life issues in sharp relief. Make this a goal and not a surprise.

5. Understand that resistance is typical. You may experience anger and

resentment at first. This isn't surprising. We seldom embark gracefully
on any ordeal that involves significant change and insight.
6. Prepare yourself to experience new feelings. The new feelings that
emerge will be guides to parts of yourself you need to reclaim. As
uncomfortable as these feelings may be, they will serve as significant
allies in helping you become all you are.
7. Plan active tasks to enhance the experience. Select a specific step
to work on, follow through on assignments from your therapist to help you
accept nurturing and develop spiritual and sexual awareness, and keep a
journal about the experience.
Number 6 Resisting Addictive Cravings
1. Develop Spiritual Strategies. Whatever strategies you choose to help
you connect with yourself and the rhythm of the universe meditation,
yoga, or prayer, for example need to be deepened, strengthened and
practiced. Number one on almost everyone's list is the development of a
spiritual base a calm center which helps you resist turmoil on the
periphery.
2. Decode feelings. Sex that is about addiction and not sexuality is usually
accomplished by feelings of shame, loneliness, fear, pain, and anger.
Always check for these feelings. Remember that to act out a feeling
sexually does not resolve that feeling. If you cannot decode your feeling,
consult with a sponsor, a therapist, or a group member. Remember the
old Twelve-Step aphorism: Horniness equals loneliness.
3. Avoid trigger situations. Identify situations, persons, and
circumstances that can trigger addictive responses. Respect your
powerlessness, and avoid those triggers. Remember, when in doubt,
don't.
4. Forgive yourself for slips. If a slip occurs, turn it into a learning
experience. Be gentle with yourself. Your shame will cause you to beat up
on yourself, and that will make you even more vulnerable.
5. Work on nurturing yourself. Exercise. Walk. Eat well. Rest. Enjoy a
massage, baths, and safe indulgences. Seek out nature, music, art,
humor, and the companionship of good friends. Find time to take care of
yourself. Make your living space a cocoon for your transformation. Buy
yourself a teddy bear. You deserve this treatment.
6. Avoid keeping cravings secret. Keeping your cravings secret will add
to their power. When you feel like acting our, go to people you trust so
you are not alone. In general, secrets are about shame, and shame
always makes you more vulnerable. Secrets will keep you from others in
recovery.
7. Find alternative passions. Seek hobbies, sports, and activities you
enjoy. Cultivate these parts of your life so compulsive patterns in working,

obsessing, or acting out compete with activities and interests that are
rewarding. Alternative passions become new arenas for growth.
8. Acknowledge your choice. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim. You
are powerless about your addiction, but you are in charge of your recovery
program and your lifestyle. In most areas, you have the choice which can
help you achieve the balance needed in your life. Be proactive instead of
reactive by acknowledging to yourself and to others what your choices
are.
Number 7 Developing a Spiritual Life
1. Use the Steps. The Twelve Steps are a proven recipe for spiritual
wholeness. Remember that the program started with the realization that
without the spiritual component, recovery could not happen. Decide that
a spiritual life is essential, not an option.
2. Find guides. Listen to others share their spiritual experiences and ask
how healing happened in their lives. Brokenness, failure, and tragedy
have helped many find parts of themselves they had not known. Most
also started with anger or fear, skepticism, or detachment.
3. Separate religion from spirituality. Many come with "baggage" about
religious institutions that damages or constricted their growth.
Resentment about these experiences can cast shadows over genuine
spiritual development. Organizations and institutions are not ends in
themselves, but are instead designed to help you have a spiritual life and
build a spiritual community. Use only those which help.
4. Connect with nature. Spirituality starts with a sense of wonder at our
existence and at the wonders of creation other living things, the oceans
and mountains, forests, deserts, and weather. Go for a walk. Watch
stars. Take care of a pet. Notice your body. Play with children. Then
connect these miracles with what you see around you.
5. Make a daily effort. Key to spiritual life is constancy. Daily rituals that
anchor your sense of stability help you achieve incremental spiritual
growth. Then when leaps of faith are required and stress overwhelms you,
a reservoir of accumulated strength awaits.
6. Find ways to promote reflection. Spirituality is about what is
meaningful to you, what gives your life value. Inspirational writing, daily
meditation books, liturgy, prayer, journals, yoga exercises, and letter
writing are the kinds of things that need to be part of your daily rituals.
These also help you make sense out of special spiritual events.
7. Surrender. All inner journeys start with an "emptying" of self a fact
reflected in religious traditions. Addicts begin recovery with an admission
of powerlessness and live their lives according to the principles of "letting
go." Serenity, according to the prayer, is doing all you can and accepting
that that is enough.

8. Heal the sexual/spiritual split. Much damage has been done to

sexuality in the name of religion. The result inhibits progress on both
planes. To heal, start by acknowledging that sexuality is about meaning
and that spirituality is about meaning. Search for common areas between
the two. Be gentle with yourself about old, tortuous conflicts. They are
not about you. They never were.
Number 8 Enhancing Sexuality
1. Make a sexual leap of faith. Sexual change is gradual, not sudden. You
have to trust and believe that it will happen. (This most often-used phrase
in this area of advice was "let go and let God.") Attempts to do otherwise
and control outcomes will destroy sexual experiences.
2. Sustain sex with intimacy. Sexual vitality comes from relationships.
The challenges of closeness renew sexual interest and deepen the
meaning of sex.
3. Talk before, during and after. Verbalizing, passion, needs, and fears
are perhaps the best ways of facilitating sexual intimacy.
4. Overcome sexual shame through affirmation of each other.
Couples that did the best emphasized the strategy of mutual affirmation.
Compliment your partner. Affirm all the positive things you can see about
his or her sexuality and about your sexuality together. Don't stop.
5. Respect boundaries and limits. Building trust helps heal the sexual
wounds of the past. Both partners need permission to say no without fear
of reprisal or abandonment. Give profound respect to the other's
vulnerability and wishes even when you don't fully understand them or
approve of them. Remember, trust is the goal. To seduce, manipulate, or
test your partner's boundaries is extremely destructive. Healing will shift
perspectives and boundaries. Breaking the trust again may lead to
irreparable damage.
6. Pay attention to feelings. Addicts and co-addicts learned to sexualize
their needs and pain, yet their needs remained unfulfilled, their pain
unattended, and their sexuality stifled. Attend to your feelings. You might
have to begin by just labeling them. With time you will get better at
sorting them out.
7. See sex as legitimate joy. Abandon the grim rules you learned that
kept you in addictive and co-addictive obsession. Have fun. Play. Within
your sobriety plan and your boundaries, allow for spontaneity and
experimentation. Your recovery principles carve out an area of safety so
that you can risk yourself sexually in new, positive and rewarding ways.
8. Take care of your body. Physical health is basic to sexual health.
Exercise. Eat good food. Sleep well. Limit the use of drugs like alcohol,
nicotine, and caffeine. Do these things and you can trust that your body's
responses will be limited only by your mind.

Number 9 Beginning to Date

1. Heal first. Wait for your program to stabilize. Take the time you need to
work through celibacy, to develop support, and to understand your
addiction. Most who took this time felt it was the "greatest gift" they could
have given themselves.
2. Take time to be known. You have plenty of time. Aim for friendship.
Avoid urgency. Enjoy yourself.
3. Be selective. Only date people in whose presence you feel most like
yourself. If you find yourself slipping into shame feeling the need to
defend yourself or seek approval consider it a warning.
4. Share you plan. When dating becomes steady, share how and under
what terms you want to be sexual. Elicit from your partner his or her
reaction to this as well as his or her intention and values.
5. Share your recovery. Tell your partner about your history so you are not
carrying a secret. These are two critical things to remember here: 1) If it is
not safe enough to share this fact about yourself, it is not safe to be
sexual; 2) If you are sexual before your partner knows your history, it may
be perceived as a betrayal when he or she does find out. If your partner
accepts you as a recovering person, your fears of abandonment will
dissipate. Seldom did we hear about addicts who were rejected for
sharing their recovery if they did it up-front.
6. Do pre-dates and post-dates with others. Before and after dates,
check it out with others, especially if they have any anxiety. No one does
it perfectly. Everyone makes mistakes. The real problems arise when you
cease to share your process.
7. Remember: This is a date, not an encounter group. Acknowledge
your feelings. If you feel anxious or awkward, say so. Watch the intensity,
however. You do not have to tell your life history or share childhood pain
the first evening. Trust should be incremental, not instantaneous. Build
up some history with your date spend some time together first.
8. Beware of cosmic relationships. Intensity is not intimacy. Fastforwarding the future as when, after a very brief courtship, you are
certain you have found "the one" can be a fix for the emptiness of the
present. Life mates are not determined in two days, even two dreamlike
days. Many addicts spend one night that takes years to untangle. There
are magical evenings, however. Enjoy them. Listen to your intuitions.
Trust history and recovery.
Number 10 Solving Conflicts
1. Work for win-win solutions. Shame-based couples tend to look at all
issues in terms of right and wrong, and to see all conflicts as ending with a
winner and a loser. Search for solutions that make each partner a winner.
Seldom is there just one way to do things. Find the alternatives.

2. Use the Twelve-Steps. Stop the fight and share with each other what
Step you need to use in connection with this problem. Use the tools your
recovery gives you.
3. Agree on times to work on problems. Fighting when you are tired and
depleted is counter-productive. Agree that it's all right to talk about the
problem at another time that's acceptable to you both. Have a rule about
times of the day when intense issues need to be tabled.
4. Avoid dramatic exits. Threatening abandonment is great drama, but
also destructive to those whose history is filled with it. Remember, shame
is about abandonment. If you need time-out, ask for it.
5. Focus on the issues, not the history. Shame-based couples do not
resolve things because they keep escalating the conflict by adding in other
unresolved problems. Cut down on the backlog by concentrating on the
current disagreement.
6. Avoid cheap shots. Partners know each other's vulnerabilities. Fighting
is an act of trust and an invitation to intimacy. Do not sabotage it with
demeaning, disrespectful, or expletive comments. Support, do not exult,
when your partner admits an error.
7. Accept issues and feelings of others. They are realities for the other
person, even if they seem alien or unreal to you. Validating your partner's
experiences will add dramatically to your ability to solve things together.
8. When stuck, consult with others. Therapists, trusted friends,
sponsors, other couples all can be resources. If as a couple, you have
no one to talk to, you do not have the resources you need. Find support
for your relationship.
Number 11 Resolving Trusting Relationships
1. Give a lot of time. This was universally seen as the most important
piece of advice. Phrases like "patience," "go slow," and "one day at a
time," were very common. This reflects the old Al-Anon wisdom: "nothing
major the first year."
2. Be willing to lose it in order to get it. Both partners have to resolve
not to give up parts of themselves in order to keep the other from leaving.
If you can fully be who you are and your partner does not leave, you have
something. Fidelity to self is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other.
3. Restore self first. Do the repair work that you yourself need, and your
perceptions of the relationship will change dramatically. Most people's
unhappiness in the relationship is about themselves and not their partner.
You have to trust before you can trust the other.
4. Accept the illness in the other. Start by acknowledging at the deepest
level of yourself that you both are powerless and fully involved in the
illness. It is as hard for your partner as it is for you.

5. Admit mistakes promptly. Avoid blame. Work for honesty and

accuracy, not for proving what is right. Self-righteousness inevitably kills
intimacy.
6. Share spirituality. Explore ways to be spiritual together that are simple
for the two of you.
7. Use the "amends" Steps. Reverse the blame dynamic by taking
responsibility for pain you have inflicted on the other. Do what you can to
make up for it. Use Steps Eight and Nine as a model for daily living with
your partner.
8. Remember, it's never doing to be perfect. Just as the "ultimate
partner" does not exist, neither does the "ultimate relationship."
Accepting human limits in ourselves helps us in being generous with our
loved one.
9. Be with other recovering couples. Attend open meetings together.
Join fellowships of couples. Go on couples' retreats. Socialize with
couples. Support other couples. Have couple friends.
10.Have fun together. All work on recovery with no play makes for great
intensity, not intimacy. Closeness comes from shared common
experiences, including the fun ones. Remember, play is, in its own way,
and act of trust.

A list of 36 Stress Reducers

1. Pray.
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say no to projects that wont fit into your time schedule or that will compromise
your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the
hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what HP would
have you to do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation,
forget it.
12. Live within your budget; dont use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the
garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut.) This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous
amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry recovery materials (or spiritual text) with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough exercise.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write thoughts and inspirations down.

22. Everyday, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to HP on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud.
Dont wait until its time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with healthy people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite readings/verses/reflections on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good Thank
you, HP!
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but yourself, not at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are NOT the general manager of the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing youre grateful for that youve never been
grateful for before.

A list of 47 Qualities of a Relationship

by Grey, a member (written Tue-16-June-2003)
Grey and her fianc wrote out a list of qualities in their relationship that they
desire and has permitted us to share that first list.
1. Love
2. Communication
3. Trust
4. Sharing upsets

5. Supportive emotional
6. Partnership (deciding together)
7. Humor Fun
8. Sharing the floor
9. Flexibility
10.Looking for the best in each other
11.Caring
12.Forgiveness
13.Spirituality
14.Nothing matters but everything is important
15.Follow our dreams
16.Make sure each other is O.K.
17.Pay attention
18.Believe
19.Faith in each other
20.Embrace our fears
21.Peaceful
22.Freedom
23.Responsible
24.Self-care
25.Courageous
26.Loyal no gossip about each other
27.No seeking advice on the other person
28.No withholding
29.Work it out and return to love
30.No manipulation let go of control

31.Being straightforward
32.Understanding
33.Proactive, not reactive
34.Take care of each other
35.Ask for needs to be met
36.No pretending
37.Be sensitive no meanness; no bully
38.Nurture
39.Cherish
40.Honor
41.Respect
42.Passion
43.Sensual
44.Love-making
45.Compassion
46.Listening
47.Beauty
Blessings to you all!