Clint Johansson: Alternative Comedian

1. INT – Clint’s Living Room - Day

[Blank screen with voiceover.]

CJ: All my heroes…all the guys who really pushed the boundaries…at some stage,
have had to overcome hardship... All of them...

[Shot of Clint sitting on a couch. He’s in his mid-thirties, with receding hair tied into
a ponytail. He is wearing a “Good Bush, Bad Bush” T-Shirt (depicting a hairy mans
pubis and former US President George Walker Bush, respectively) and has a single
gold hoop earring in his left ear. He wears glasses and appears slightly uneasy about
the interview. He speaks again.]

CJ: I mean, for example, right...Richard Pryor: set himself on fire trying to smoke
crack cocaine. Umm…Rick Shapiro: Worked as a male prostitute. A homosexual
male prostitute, actually, And of course... Bill Hicks… pancreatic cancer. Dead...

[Clint Pauses]

CJ: And…if I have to suffer any of those things to see my name up in lights…then so
be it.

2. INT – Clint’s Bedroom - Day

CJ sitting on the edge of his bed, he speaks to camera]

CJ: I guess I’ve always been drawn to humour and making people laugh…I think it’s
just something you’re born with.

[CJ smiles softly, then chuckles to himself.]

CJ: I remember actually, in Primary School...I used to be a bit of a class clown, used
to get up to a bit of mischief…I did this one thing where I’d impersonate the
Principal, you know – he had this horrible lisp – and I’d say to the other children you
know, stuff like “sssssthufferin’ sstttthuckatash!” and “stttthtop being sthiilly in
sssthex ed!”

[CJ laughs with more conviction.]

CJ: I used to get a lot of “Clint, stop distracting the class!” and “Go outside,
Clint!”...and the teachers liked it even less.

[CJ sits silently, still smiling and nods to himself.]

CJ: So I guess I’ve been stirring the pot, so to speak, for as long as I can remember.

3. INT – Cramped Pub - Night

[Cut to home video footage of Clint onstage. He’s wearing a ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt
and cargo pants. He paces backward and forwards across the cramped stage.]

CJ: “And Labor’s solution to this is to ask us to vote for Mark Flippin’ Latham! The
guy who makes the Khmer Rouge look like the effin’ Democrats!”

[Silence from crowd.]

CJ: “But you know what they say about the ALP, right? The Crean will always rise to
the top!”

[The crowd remains completely silent, a disinterested member of the crowd reads the
label on his beer bottle. Clint can be heard in the background]

CJ: “so I was thinking the other day…imagine John Howard on Dancing With the
Stars, wouldn’t that be...”

[Tape ends.]

4. INT – Clint’s Living Room - Day

[CJ sits on his couch.]

CJ: There is definitely a political edge to the stuff I’m doing, yeah. I mean, I
sometimes think, you know…Clint, you have a degree in Cultural & Media Studies

[cut to a photo of a 19 year old CJ in a mortarboard. His gown is open and

underneath he’s wearing a “Hole” t-shirt. He has one of his parents under each arm.
They’re typical sunburnt suburbanites and have both got their eyes closed in the
photo. A gigantic “ECU” banner is visible in the background.]

CJ: …you’re an educated guy. Why are you acting up in front of a bunch of strangers
instead of being out there making a difference? But…to me, comedy is making a
difference. You can make people think about things, sure. I mean…I could write a
book, or a newspaper article…and I have written newspaper articles, actually…

[Cut to a photo. It’s an opinion piece written in a local paper. There’s a small black
and white photo of CJ baring his teeth and doing the ‘devil horns’ sign. Article reads
“SUBURBAN SLAM WITH CLINT JOHANSSEN” with sub-title “ILUKA COUNCIL
WHEELIE BIN EDICT UNJUST, TOTALITARIAN.”]

CJ: But all that would do is educate people. I want to make them laugh. And if they’re
educated too, well…I’ve done my job...

5. INT – Comedy Club Stage - Day

[CJ sits on an empty stage in a chair.]

CJ: I guess because of the kind of thing I’m trying to do with comedy, there are times
when the audience doesn’t quite get my angle. Which I understand, you know…the
first thing you learn is that the audience is never wrong…just sometimes maybe
slightly uneducated, but it’s your job to reach out to them…I always try to lace my
sets with some jokes for, ah…Joe Average, if you will. You know, the guy who gets
home from pushing wheelbarrow or, um, welding… and has a beer, opens the
paper…probably straight to the TV guide or…Hagar comics…then, you know…
ahh…well I guess he goes to bed after that. Hopefully without having beaten his wife,
or gambled away their food money on greyhounds. But I make sure there’s something
for him in all my sets.

[Cut back to CJ’s performance tape, he walks across the same crowded pub stage as
before]

CJ: “So I, I um…I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, and you know, I asked why
and she said “It’s because you’re a loser.” And that came as a real shock to me,
because I don’t even support the Dockers, let alone bloody play for them!”

6. EXT – Clint’s Back Patio – Dusk

[CJ sits on a director chair.]

CJ: So yeah, it can definitely get a little trying, you know…but it’s certainly not going
to deter me from doing what I love. I have an analogy, actually: the audience is like a
computer. You need to fill it with information, you know…but if you try to cram too
much onto the hard-drive…or the audience’s heads…the computer slows down and
stops working. And sometimes that makes the computer a bit angry, and it will go and
yell at me, or key my car…but really, it’s your fault for not having a better
computer...

7. EXT – Cafe’ - Day

[CJ is sitting, reading a copy of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. He traces the text
with his index finger and mimes the words as he reads. He pauses for a moment, puts
the book down and produces a copy of the Oxford Modern Dictionary. Finding the
word in question, he replaces the dictionary and resumes reading. Almost instantly,
he puts the book down again and reaches for the dictionary.]

[CJ is filmed from across a table in the café.]

CJ: This is where I like to come for inspiration, just to, umm…people watch, I guess.
I’ll sit here with a flat white, a novel…and just watch. I might think, you know “isn’t
it funny how we’re in an economic crisis and yet…people are still buying things,”
or…”why do men drink their coffees differently to women?” or…”oh, doesn’t that
guy have a funny limp!” and just brainstorm for a while. I like to think of this as my
office, so to speak... The dream factory...

[CJ chuckles to himself.]

CJ: The staff here are great too, really great senses of humour. There’s a little board
outside where they like to write little poems or messages, just to give people a
chuckle.

[shot of a blackboard outside the café. It has ‘A Spoonfull (sic) of Sugar May Help
the Medacine (sic) Go Down, But Our Super Sweet Lattes Will Bring You Up!”]

CJ: I help them out sometimes, actually…I said to Breeanne, the manager – she’s not
here today – but I said, how about this one: “Henry the 8th: tyrant or twitcher? Go
decaffeinated, not decapitated!” Haven’t seen it up yet…maybe a bit too highbrow,
but all the girls had a real chuckle at that one... But, ah…this is a really special place
for me. I met Marnie, here actually. I was carrying a pot of hot tea over to my table
and there was this, just…absolutely gorgeous woman sitting cross-legged on a chair,
and I was…I was gobsmacked. I was so busy looking at her, actually, that I didn’t see
this raised floorboard and…

8. INT – Clint’s Living Room - Day

[Cut back to CJ’s couch. A timid woman in her thirties is sitting down, dressed in a
burgundy crushed velvet dress over green leggings. She has a single blonde plait in
her brown hair and pulls distractedly at it as she speaks.]

Marnie: …and it actually burned me quite badly. I still have this red mark…

[Marnie goes to roll up the dress over her stomach and shot cuts abruptly to CJ on
the couch next to the woman.]

Marnie: I think…what attracted me to him most was definitely his energy. There’s a
real vibrancy in Clint, a real passion that I haven’t found in any other men. He really
loves to let you know how he’s feeling, to tell you what he thinks is wrong or unjust
in the world and how he wants to go about fixing it. The whole car ride back from the
hospital he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I think that’s when I fell for him.

[Camera shows close-up shot of CJ welling up somewhat]

CJ: And with, Marnie…we just clicked. We love all the same things. Literature; film;
nature; coffee, of course! I can have dairy, and she can’t, but that’s the only real thing.
She actually gets violently ill. But you know, “soy be it!”

[CJ and Marnie share a laugh.]

Marnie: Clint’s really supportive of me and my career choices, too. I…I used to run
my own Reiki clinic, and it was quite successful…but my passion has always been to
write and illustrate children’s books that teach environmental awareness.

[Cut to a picture of a children’s book with a crayon drawing of a manatee with a

plastic bag over its head. It reads: “PORPOISE IN PAIN” by Marnie Fern Morris.]

Marnie: So I decided to pursue that. And so Clint’s been great with supporting both
of us. We just need to be a bit thrifty sometimes.
CJ: That’s right. I mean, Marnie always says “Clint, you have enough energy to
power the whole shire!”

Marnie: It would be nice to be able to use the dishwasher sometimes, though…

CJ: I…yeah, but we’ve made choices, and we’re happy. Aren’t we?

Marnie: Oh, yes, absolutely. I just…no, it’s OK.

[Camera lingers on the couple. Marnie bows her head and looks like she’s crying.
She squeezes CJ’s thigh. CJ looks limply at the camera without saying anything.]

CJ: Right….I’ll go check on dinner.

9. EXT – Clint’s backyard - Day

[CJ stands in the backyard with a shovel. He’s standing next to a shallow hole full of
embers and is holding the shovel towards the camera. On it is a small alfoil parcel.]

CJ: Damper... Full of carbohydrates, easy to make… patriotic. Doesn’t require

electricity…or running water.

10. INT – Clint’s Study - Day

[CJ sits in his study. He’s flicking through old posters and memorabilia.]

CJ: Every year I put on a self-funded one man show dealing with the topical issues at
the time. Ah, for example…1999, I did GST=LOL, which I believe was one of the
first times an internet acronym, was ever used in live comedy. Umm…oh, 2001 there
was “Clint Johanssen: Overboard!”

[Clint holds up photo of himself dressed in Afghan-styled robes and turban with a life
preserver around his waist. The tag line is “100% Tampa-proof!’]

CJ: 1997 was a bit of a bust…

[Cut to a poster of CJ with a cucumber in his mouth, wearing a dress and mascara
(which is streaked with tears...) Poster reads “Clint Johanssen Presents: FUCKING
SLUT.”]

CJ: …where I was going through quite a rough divorce. I’ve been told my material
got a little…um…”darker,” I suppose, around that time.

[Cut to another performance tape. The footage is grainy and 8/12/1997 is visible in
the bottom right corner. CJ is stumbling as if drunk. He’s wearing a denim vest over
a black turtleneck and sports round-framed John Lennon glasses.]

CJ: “So I say Princess Di? More like Princess DEAD!”

[The audience Boo’s loudly. CJ staggers around onstage giving the audience the
finger before being struck in the head by a plastic bottle. He produces a pair of
gardening shears from offscreen and begins to start hacking off clumps of his hair
whilst screaming “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS IT?” before the tape suddenly
ends.]

CJ: But, you know…I think that’s the thing about having an artistic temperament like
mine, you have to take the troughs with the peaks. And I got to keep the Super
Nintendo.

[Cut to shot of CJ at a desk, writing material. Each joke is designated with a bullet
point that is red, green or blue.]

CJ (voiceover): When I’m writing material, I try to take into account the rhythm and
pacing of my set. Most people don’t realize but there’s, um…a real…well, almost an
equilibrium to a comedian’s set that has to be maintained. Sort of… an ebb and flow,
if you will. If you start with all your strongest material, you run out of steam. It’d be
like Shakespeare writing Romeo and Juliet, you know, first and then writing…um,
y’know…

[CJ is stumped, obviously unaware of any other Shakespeare’s plays.]

CJ: …Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet.

[CJ turns from his work and speaks to the camera in realtime,]

CJ: What I’m doing here is labelling each joke with a colour; blue for hilarious; green
for very hilarious, and red for killer hilarious, so I have a better idea of how to pace
my set.

[Camera zooms in on the page. All of the twelve or so jokes on the page are marked
red.]

CJ: So, ah, as you can see, I’m in the red in more ways than one!

[CJ’s desk lamp suddenly cuts out.]

CJ: [from the dark]: Electricity company, nothing serious…

11. INT – Comedy Club Stage - day

[Cut to CJ back on the stage in a chair.]

CJ: The set I’m writing at the moment is quite important, actually. Every year, the
Dartmouth Arms runs a comp called ‘Search for a Funny C*nt.’ [‘cunt’ is
bleeped.]...the winner gets to do a two-minute set on ‘Sunrise,’ so it’s quite an
opportunity for me. Because it is such a big deal, it’s good to have friends to help with
the plotting and rehearsal side of things.

12. EXT – Public Park - Day

[a man in a park wearing a foam visor, cargo shorts, Oakley hybrid shoes and a blue
tanktop hits a tennis ball with a hockey stick, which is then chased after by a dog. He
laughs, throws his head back and adjusts his visor strap. His left bicep tenses when
he notices the camera is on him.]

[Cut to shot of sports man from torso up, sitting on a bench in a change room. He
appears short of breath and flustered, as though he has just stopped exercising. CJ is
on the bench next to him, and speaks first.]

CJ: I first met Marius back when I was doing some work at Mt Lawley High – I’m a
relief English teacher, and he was doing some PE classes there...God, it must have
been...how long ago?

Marius [heavy South African accent]: Well I come over from Jo’burg in ’92, after all
the bullshit...maybe fifteen years?

CJ: Anyway, I was having some problems with a few of the more, uh...disruptive
class members, you know, nothing serious...I’m fairly sure it was just a Mars Bar or
something...but anyway, Marius found out about it and took the kid aside and had a
few ‘stern words’, so to speak.

[Marius laughs heartily]

Marius: I find the kid and I say “Listen matey, in my country you have a good day if
you don’t wake up raped and stabbed to death. You think putting crap on Mr
Johanssen’s pigeonhole is funny? I’ve seen a man’s skull caved in with his own
shinbone.” Then I pull out my wallet and show him a picture.

CJ [laughing]: How long did they suspend you for?

Marius: Nine weeks!

[Both men laugh.]

Marius: Bloody good fun, eh. So Clint and I have been mates ever since. In between
doing the windsurfing school and the youth mentoring stuff, I like to help him out
with the comedy and all that....make sure he doesn’t suck too much, eh!

CJ [trying to be witty, but obviously without a comeback.]: Oh, I could never suck too
much!

[A terse female voice is heard offscreen.]

Woman: WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!

[An irate woman in a towel appears. The ‘female’ changeroom icon is visible behind
her. Camera lingers, then starts to wobble as though being carried by someone
running.]
13. INT – Marius’ Car - Night

[Cut to Marius driving whilst Clint sits in passenger seat with dog on his lap]

CJ [addressing camera whilst still looking forward.]: We’re just on our way out to
the community centre for a practice run. I like to use Marius as a sounding board for
my gags...he’s given me lots of good feedback.

Marius [laughing]: ‘Retire’ is the bloody feedback I keep giving you. Never listen
though!

CJ: Oh ho! Maybe you could, bloody...windsurf me some jokes, then eh? Anyway,
how’s this one...”So I see Kevin Rudd wants to spy on our internet now, eh? Kevin 0-
7? More like Kevin 007!”

Marius [laughing]: Yeah, good one. Keeper, yeah. What else?

CJ: OK, here we go... “America’s a funny place isn’t it. When I heard that sort of
black, sort of white guy had been elected I thought... “Geez, how is Michael Jackson
gonna find room to moonwalk round the oval office?”

[Silence.]

CJ: That one was marked blue, anyway...

[The car stops at a red light. Someone knocks on the driver’s window and Marius
begins to yell.]

Marius: FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! I’LL TAKE OUT YOUR EYES!

[Marius starts fumbling for the hockey stick on the back seat whilst winding down the
window with his other hand. A terrified window washer looks on as Marius starts
swinging the stick.]

Marius: YOU NEVER TAKE MY CAR, BRO! I’LL EAT YOUR SHIT!

[The washer runs across traffic back into a park as Marius gradually calms down.]

Marius: Sorry, eh. It’s a Jo’Burg thing...

[Camera pans across to CJ’s terrified face peering from behind the dog.]

CJ: No worries...

14. INT – Community Centre - Night

[Marius faces the camera on a plastic chair in community centre. Clint is onstage
practicing in the background. Though muted, he can be heard botching punch lines
and admonishing himself.]
Marius: I think the competition is really important for Clint, you know. He’s battled
bloody hard with the comedy thing, trying to make it work, and I think he deserves
some success. He’s a good bloke, Clint.

[Silence in the background as Clint is obviously listening.]

Marius: [catching on that Clint is eavesdropping]: Shame he’s got such a weird-
shaped...

[Clint begins telling jokes again.]

[Clint performs on stage, Marius is facing the stage, but turns his head to speak to
the camera.]

Marius: What I do before his shows is toughen him up by giving him a few heckles
and that...keep him prepared in case it happens on the night.

CJ: “And I’m thinking, who wrote this bloody curriculum – George Bush?!”

Marius: YOU’RE SHIT MATE!

CJ [pauses, then pantomimes drinking.]: Bloody, someone’s having a good time, eh?
Where you from mate?

Marius: SUCK MY COCK!

CJ [he appears put off and nervous]: Um, nah mate...that’s ah, that’s your
own...private activity...

Marius: BOOO! BOOOO!

CJ: What, um...what are you, a ghost or somehting? “Booooooo!” Freakin’ Casper
over here...

Marius: I HEAR YOU’RE INFERTILE!

[Awkward, lingering silence.]

CJ: Right, yep. Good one...

[More silence.]

CJ: So anyway, who here is on the Facebook?...

15. INT – Clint’s Kitchen - Night

[CJ and Marnie are sitting by the stereo holding hands. Marnie beams at the
camera.]

Marnie: My sister managed to get Clint a spot on the radio to promote himself...we’ve
been so excited all day.

CJ: Oh yeah, you know...I always got told I had a voice for radio. I mean...head for
radio. That’s the joke, isn’t it?

Marnie: Shhh! Here it is!

[Introduction to radio show begins with dynamic synth pads followed by a

deliberately nerdy voice saying “Gahhh, the square root of x multiplied by y is the
velocity of the..” which is then cut off by a ladsy, 92.9 kind of voice exclaiming “Who
cares if you know maths! Just have another BEER! 98.4, Rogue FM – no gimps, just
party all summer!”]

DJ: Hey guys, welcome back to the Wet Waterbed with Simmo, Timmo and Shitface
and today we’re joined by our very own local funnyman, Mr. Clint Johanssen. Sup,
Clint?

CJ: G’day gang...thanks for having me.

DJ 2 So hay Clint, do you mind if we call you C-Jo?

DJ 1: He’s still Clint from the block!

[DJs laugh amongst themselves.]

CJ: Ha-ha, just as long as you don’t call me...Flo-Jo.

[Polite laughs.]

DJ 1: So Clint, you’re entering the ‘Search For a Funny bleep’ at the Dartmouth,
right? Can you tell all the peeps out there what the deal-io is?

[Other DJ interrupts again.]

DJ 2: Yeah, will you be bustin’ some Dave Chappelle on us or, what?! I’M RICK
JAMES!

CJ [politely]: Um...haha...not quite. Basically I’m doing a five-minute set at the

Dartmouth as part of the comp, and the winner gets two minutes on
Sunrise...so...quite a big incentive.

DJ 2: Well tell Kochy for me he’s a bloody champ!

DJ 1: You would say that!

[Two DJs laugh raucously.]

DJ 1: So Clint, what kind of jokes will you be telling? Bit of the old failed romance?
Celeb impersonations? Bit of the old ‘guy walks into a bar’ kind of shizzle?
CJ: Well my stuff is a bit more political, really...I do like to do a bit of the
observational stuff, but I mean...I like to think I keep it a bit more high...

[Cut off by DJ 2]

DJ 2: C-Jo, my sources backstage tell me you do a KILLER Scarface impression...

CJ [bashful]: Well...I do, but it’s not really part of my se... [cut off again]

DJ 1: Go on then!

DJ 2: Yeah, come on! TONY MONTANA! YOU COCK-O-ROACHES!

CJ: I really...

DJ2: C-Jo, everyone in the studio is giving me the thumbs up, don’t disappoint all the
Rogueheads out there bro....

CJ: Well...I’m not really in character but, um....

CJ [meek, with barely-there Cuban inflection that sounds more Vietnamese.]: What
are we gonna do, mang?

[Silence.]

DJ 1: Right, well we’ve been talking with our man C-Jo, check him out at the
Dartmouth sometime...

CJ [interrupting]: March tenth...

DJ 1: Yep, but right now we’re going to throw live to Scotty Mac on the Rogue FM
tandem bike down on Scabs beach giving away free bucket hats and Rogue FM
funnels...

[Synth stabs again “ROGUE FM ROVING BIKE – MORE RIDES THAN YA SISTER!
BOO-YAH!”]

[Marnie turns off radio.]

Marnie [keeping a brave face]: That went well!

CJ [downcast]: Yeah...yeah, good bit of publicity.

Marnie: Do you want to watch some Monty Python?

CJ: No, no...it’s Tuesday. Your turn to choose. I’ll go boil the kettle.

[CJ gets up, touching her leg as he does, and leaves the room as Marnie looks on
lovingly after him. Camera holds on her face as she smiles.]