Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXIV

Dead Bear Fined

By A. Marie Silver

As if being decapitated
and then found, in pieces,
inside a dog house wasnt
bad enough, it seems that
Mr.
Fonzi
and
his
companion, Julie Muffit
are being billed for a tea
party they RSVPd to, but
never attended.
This is ridiculous,
said Mrs. Muffit. That
party was held two days
after Mr. Fonzis body was
dug up.
The invitation for the tea
party clearly stated that
each child must bring a
bear. No bear; no party.
Mrs. Muffit called the day
before the party to cancel,
given
the
recent
circumstances,
but
apparently that wasnt
enough. Last week, a bill

arrived in the mail,

addressed to Julie and Mr.
Fonzi for the tea, juice,
cookies and peanut butter
& jelly sandwiches that
were
purchased
and
prepared for their expected
arrival.
What kind of people
bill children for not
showing up to a party?
asked Mr. Muffit.
We feel this teaches
them
a
lesson
in
responsibility, said Mr.
Arnold, parent of Sarah
Arnold, hostess of the tea
party. Children have to
learn that nothing in life is
free.
Julie and Mr. Fonzi
were billed $5.75 for the
cost of their food. As of
this report, the Muffits are
refusing to pay it.

The High Cost of Munchies

By Snoop Cubby

There has been an

increase in the number of
states legalizing marijuana
and the use of medical
marijuana finding more
applications. Small, noncorporate farmers as well
as many corporate farms
have recognized that there
is a larger profit in
growing cannabis than in
growing food staples such
as corn or wheat. And
there is a tax incentive
because
marijuana
is
federally illegal, cannabis
is a cash crop and
therefore tax free.
The problem is now
that enough farms have
gone to growing cannabis
as their main crop that
food and feeds have
become less plentiful

Neighborhood Watch Opposed

By LeeAnn Rhoden

driving up the costs of

meats, and processed
foods.
Its simple supply and
demand, said our contact
at the USDA. There is
more demand for corn and
wheat than is being
produced so the prices go
up.
And
anything
associated with them goes
up too. Essentially, if it
costs more to feed the
cow, then the meat, milk,
and cheese will also cost
more.
Raj Patel, owner of the
Triangle-P
convenience
stores, confirms the price
increases. I placed my
stores next door to many
apothecaries
for
the
convenience of their
Continued on Page 3

What was once hailed

as a great plan to provide
an extra layer of security
and unity to communities,
neighborhood
watch
programs were supported
by law enforcement and
homeowners.
In
one
neighborhood, the Home
Owners
Association
decided to combine the
neighborhood
watch
patrols
with
the
Neighborhood
Improvement Board.
We thought it would
be a good idea to combine
the two functions, said
Greta van Vangreta, HOA
president.
A
simple
concept really. Our group
strolls
through
the
neighborhood
several
times a day and we watch
whos doing what and see
if there is anything
suspicious
going
on.
Several neighbors even
have us take in their mail
and check their homes
when they are away. We
can also check to see if
there are any violations of
the HOA rules.
The neighbors were all
on board at first but in the
past few months there
have
been
increasing
complaints filed against
The HOA Improvement

Board. Most of the

complaints center around
fines being levied against
properties for what has
been
described
as
frivolous and questionable
violations. The homeowners have formed a new
association in order to
combat the complaints.
I get if the complaints
are legitimate like the
Joneses. They painted their
shutters pink and thats
clearly not on the list of
approved colors. But the
Smiths got dinged for
having the wrong type of
numbers on their mail
box,
said
Jefferson
Thomas, president of the
Association of Homeowners. I dont like pink
but, I think that the
Joneses should be able to
paint their shutters whatever color they want and
the Smiths should be able
to have the style of
numbers on their box that
they like.
The dispute between
the HOA and the AOH is
unsettled. The only thing
theyve been able to agree
on
is
turning
the
neighborhood watch over
to a private security
company that doesnt give
a
damn
about
the
neighborhood.

Weather

Index

After a brief cooling

off period, Indian Summer
is on its way heralding in
temperatures in the mid80s. It will not last long.
Be on the lookout for
changing leaves and cool
temperatures. It will be a
short autumn.

More News..............Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3

Sunday, October 11, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXIV

Sports

Editorial

By Daniel LeBoeuf

Letter to Editor

By - Sham Farce

In college football a
couple
of noteworthy
upsets last week. #12
Clemson put down #6
Notre Dame, and #13
Alabama
stomped
#8
Georgia.
In whats
becoming an annoying
pattern, #11 Florida State
squeaked by an unranked
Wake Forest.
The
Red
Wings
continue to dominate in the
NHL preseason, as do the
Edmonton Oilers, who
have barely won a game
since Wayne Gretzky was
traded, so none of this
means anything except in
Detroit and Canada.
In curling news, the
European
C-division
championship
gets
underway on October 12 in
Switzerland.
The
Washington
Nationals appear here
twice in a row after

pitcher Max Scherzer

pitched his SECOND nohitter of 2015.
Fellow
pitcher Jonathon Papelbon,
fresh from his love-in with
Bryce Harper last week,
was seen choking Scherzer
after the game. I was
hugging him, really, said
Papelbon.
In fantasy news, my
brother
continues
to
dominate the Super Jock
Fantasy Football League
(SJFFL). Every year my
brother dominates the
SJFFL. We may as well
just crown him champion
for the next ten years and
go do something more
productive with our time,
though my nephew might
disagree. On the upside,
my team won, rocketing
me to fourth place out of
eight.
www.danielleboeuf.net/

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

Courtesy of Fox News

because reporting the
news is so much easier
when you let someone else
do the work Airplane
Repo Airplane Repo?
Seriously?
There is a
reality show on re-

possessing
airplanes?
(Shakes head) Airplane
Repo star Mike Kennedy is
celebrating the recovery of
his extremely poisonous
reptile, a King Cobra. His
Royal Highness escaped
his enclosure, courtesy of

In an effort to support
the Every Man, the
common worker, Pilcrow
& Dagger would like to
petition to the labor unions
that they support an hour
nap built into each shift
greater than 6 hours.
Firefighters actually have
cots available for their
shifts, there is an afternoon
hiatus
in
European
countries, even in Japan
there is nap time. We feel
that an afternoon nap
would
benefit
the
employees
and
boost
productivity and alertness.
Not insensitive to the
difficulties
placed
on
employers, the physical
modifications to their
business to provide a nap
space would be tax
deductible
and
the
employees nap times are
unpaid.
Studies have shown
that employees go into a
brain-dead state after 6
hours of work. This is
when they start surfing the
internet and playing games
on their phones so really,
employers wont notice a
difference in productivity
anyway.
Please join us in our
support
for
workers
everywhere and take a nap.

Continued on Page 3

Rants & Raves

To the curmudgeon in my
neighborhood seriously,
youre going to complain
about my cat in your yard?
If youd get rid of your
garbage that attracts rats
my cat wouldnt be over
there. Hes doing you a
favor. Youre welcome
jackass.

Hey, Reddit users! Dont

hang out in the Funny
section unless you actually
have a sense of humor!
To my toddler - thank you
very much for finding the
glass vase your father
bought me while he was
visiting Paris. I liked it
better when it was in one
piece, but 234 pieces
works too.

Dear Mr. Farce,

I think it is a wonderful
thing PETA is doing. Ms.
Squirrel
was
unjustly
evicted from her home and
her stored winter food
supply at the outset of
autumn and just before a
hurricane struck. How
heartless to condemn an
innocent rodent to such a
harsh and certain death
from either exposure or
starvation. As far as the
park being made unsafe for
children due to tiny
sweaters, perhaps parents
need to be more vigilant
and watch their children
more closely.
- Chip Munk
Dear Mr. Farce,
Am I the only one who
sees the irony in the
lawsuit that PETA faces?
One would think that the
People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals
would know better than to
scatter
wiring
and
insulation in a park. I
understand that theyre
trying to save a squirrel but
what about the other
animals that inhabit that
park? Whats to stop an
animal that doesnt know
better from ingesting those
items and possibly dying?
Sincerely,
Troubled Tummy

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
All I hear on the news
is blah blah politics and
blah blah war and blah
blah economy. Im so tired
of hearing about these
things. Cant they report on
something else?
Sincerely,
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
Turn it off.

Dear Monica,
Ive spent my entire life
entering every contest of any
kind, trying to win something.
Anything!
And yet, Ive
never once won so much as an
honorable mention. What
should I do?
Sincerely,
Unlucky Lotto
Dear Lotto,
Congratulations! Youve
won my undivided attention
for the next three seconds.
Three. Two. One. Times up!

Sunday, October 11, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXIV

Hollywood
Continued from Page 2

that police officers in

Kentucky freed a reptile
business owner after the
125lb python he was
feeding, wrapped around
him,
crushing
him.
Hearing stories like this
breaks my heart. That
poor little snake was
probably trying to say
Thank you, by hugging
the store owner. And this
was response he got. Tsk.
Tsk. Shame on you all,
Hollywood.

Mother Nature, who blew

through, damaging the
cage. The snake was
discovered a mile away
from
Mr.
Kennedys
home, by a homeowner
who heard hissing sounds
coming from underneath
her dryer. Mr. Kennedy
stated that His Royal
Highness looked hungry
and probably hadnt eaten
in days.
Speaking of snakes,
The Guardian reported

Munchies
Continued from Page 1

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand

buy their ding-dongs,

though. I guess I should be
grateful for that.
When
asked
his
opinion about food prices,
a customer leaving a
marijuana
apothecary
simply replied, Dude.
Munchies cost a lot.
Groceries are higher than I
am.

their customers. Theyd

come in, buy their dingdongs, and then go. Now
all they do is complain
about the prices. I have to
feed my family too. I feel
the increases every time
my wife goes to the
grocery story. They still

Horoscope

Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

Sudoku

5
8

2
5

6
9

Dagger

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22

Writers block. This will be

a tough nut to crack.

Aug 23 Sept 22

You are all action and

movement.

Sept 23 Oct 22

Surprises are on the way

and investments made in
the past are paying off.

Oct 23 Nov 21

Dress
for
success.
Impressions are important.

Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19

Be careful of what you get

involved with. Dont get
tangled.
The past was sad. Its past
now. Move on and be
happy.

Jan 20 Feb 18

You are on an upswing that

will bring you joy.

Feb 19 March 20

Dont hold on to the old

and tired. Drop it and move
on.

Cryptogram

1
6

Your words create what you speak about.

Learn to speak positively.

7
9

May 21 June 20

4
8

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Social gatherings will save

you from yourself these
days.
Tension
and
conflict
surround you. Dont get
sucked into the muck.
Take romance to the next
level with your special
someone.
Transformative energy is in
the air. Use it to your
advantage.

6
8

- Sanaya Roman

9
5

Answer in next weeks paper

7
Answer from last weeks paper.