Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXV

Irritable Bowel Unlocked

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Many people suffer

from
Irritable
Bowel
Syndrome
(IBS)
and
doctors have struggled to
determine the cause. Some
think it is caused by food
allergies or sensitivities to
dairy or gluten. Some
think that stress is a factor.
New research shows that
theory is closer to the
truth.
Weve
discovered
that IBS is more like
stuttering than an allergy.
When
naturally
lefthanded people were forced
to be right-handed it could
result in stuttering. Thats
whats going on with IBS.
People
have to do
something that is contrary
to
their
natural
inclinations, said Dr.
Bean, chief researcher.

Just what the instigating

problem is, is unknown.
Dr. Beans research is
very exciting. Were able
to think about IBS less as
a medical problem and
more like a psychological
issue, stated Dr. Emma
Rebif.
Whenever
a
patient complains of IBS
we can get them into
therapy rather than giving
them drugs.
The therapy entails
getting the patient to stop
thinking about themselves
as they know themselves
to be and to start
questioning
everything
they believe, everything
theyve been taught, and
everything they know.
By getting their heads
out of their asses, many
patients have felt relief
from their discomfort.

More Gender Differences

By Snoop Cubby

Physical
differences
between men and women
are obvious and even after
gender
reassignnment
surgery it is fairly easy to
distinguish someone who
was once male or female
and is now the other.
There are some things that
surgeons and hormone
replacements
simply
cannot change such as
bone length, bone density,
muscle and tendon shape
and flexibility. These
things are just born in the
way canines are canines
and felines are felines.
But, for those who care
and cannot tell on their
own and who feel the need
to identify the original
gender of someone, a new

test has been developed

that so far has been fool
proof. Its called the Roll
Test.
Its
really
quite
simple, said Juan Moore
a
physical
therapist.
Males, or those who were
once male, dont change
the paper towel or toilet
paper rolls. Females, or
those who were once
female, do.
This simple test is
advantageous
to
psychologists and physical
therapists to assist in full
gender reassignment.
If we can get the once
males to change the rolls
and the once females to
ignore them, were closer
to true transgendering.

Bomb in Preschool
By A. Marie Silver

A
preschoolers
accessory caused quite the
uproar
at
a
local
elementary school last
week,
bringing
into
question whether or not
the daycare facility reacted
appropriately or made the
situation worse.
After
everything
thats happened in this
country, we have to be
prepared, said Chief
Flanner of the Columbia
County
Sheriffs
department.
The staff member in
charge of the classroom
this little boy was in
described the chaos that

ensued.
Everything was fine,
she
said,
requesting
anonymity. The kids
were coloring at their
tables and then thats
when it happened.
The staff members
described a loud buzzing
sound that went off near
the direction of the child.
All of the children
were startled by the sound.
They
started
running
around. Some of them
were even crying, said
the staff member.
The school was placed
on lockdown and after an
extensive evaluation, it
was determined that the
device the child had in his
possession was a special
watch used to remind him
he needed to use the
bathroom. The identity of
the child is being withheld
and no charges will be
pressed.

Submissions for the

November/December issue of
Pilcrow & Dagger
Close on October 22nd!
Get your Holiday Stories in
TODAY!
www.pilcrowdagger.com/submissions

Weather

Index

Rain has finally come

to California! A state
crippled with drought and
all they can do is complain
about the mud slides.
Well, it is what it is.
Expect
cooler
temperatures and fall-like
conditions since, you
know, it is fall.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, October 18, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXV

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

A lot is happening in
the world of cricket, but
youre not going to read
about it here. I dont
understand cricket and
dont care to learn.
In baseball, Chase
Utleys (LA Dodgers) late
slide into second base
ended up breaking Ruben
Tejadas (NY Mets) leg in
what many are calling a
dirty play.
Washington
pitcher Jonathan Papelbon
was seen choking Tejada
after he was carted off the
field. I just got really
emotional, Papelbon said
later.
In the SJFFL (Super
Jock Fantasy Football
League), after bitching
about my brother last week

Editorial

he ended up losing, so
obviously mentioning him
here was the cause. So
lets mention this weeks
opponent, Todd, and doom
him to lose as well.
In hockey, true to form
the Edmonton Oilers,
whom we extolled last
week as doing well in the
preseason, have played 3
games and lost 3 of them.
When asked about this
ignominious
decline,
Edmonton native Robby
Itsdamncoldhere
looked
annoyed and said, If they
didnt play hockey in
California and Florida we
could get some better
players.
I mean, who
wants to live here when
you could be in Tampa,
eh?

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Why is it so many
different sports organizations use abbreviations
for their names? Theres
the NFL, NHL, NBA and
MLB. Why cant baseball
just be baseball and
basketball
just
be
basketball? I propose that
all of these associations
stop using abbreviations
and just spell out their
names so that the next time
Im trying to impress a girl
with my vast knowledge
on football, I dont look
like an idiot for referring to
the football association as
the MLB.

www.danielleboeuf.net

Happenings
By Gabby Rumor

So
it
was
the
Democrats that held their
first debate on Tuesday. In
a refreshing turn of events,
there
were
only
5
candidates
on
stage
meaning they actually got
to respond to questions.
Chaffe
seemed
confused, which is not
surprising. OMalley is
still trying to figure out
whose life matters. Webb
had clearly stumbled into

the wrong debate, better

fitting
in
with
the
Republicans. Hillary was
still trying to convince
voters that she was at yoga
when the Benghazi fiasco
happened and that she
doesnt know how to send
emails. Bernie, bless his
heart, was tired of hearing
about her emails and
thought
he
was
in
Denmark.
Still up in the air is
whether or not Uncle Joe
will get in on the action.

Rants & Raves

Dear Former Tenants How many times must you
have
a
package
erroneously delivered to
my house before it occurs
to you that you should
change your shipping
address online?
P.S.
Thanks for the new toaster.

front of cars. I dont care if

you are on a crosswalk. If
you have the red hand you
do not get to go. In some
countries theyd just run
over you and consider you
one less mouth to feed.
Lucky for you Im from
here.

To
the
pedestrian
downtown NO! You
cannot just shuffle out in

My son thank you for

being the most adorable
creature on earth!

Rumor has it that Dear

Old Joe will eventually
saddle up and ride to the
finish line with endorsements from President
Obama and the super pacs.
More important than all
that, Pilcrow & Dagger
released its eighth issue
just in time for Halloween.
Dont miss out run to
Amazon right now to get
yours. And you still have
time
to
get
your
submissions in for the
Nov/Dec issue.

Dear Mr. Farce,

I think its atrocious
that a dead bear would be
fined for not attending a
little girls tea party. Its
not like that poor bear
knew he was going to die.
What kind of tea party was
this anyway?
Sincerely,
Una Unicorn
Dear Mr. Farce,
Although I am excited
to see the long-needed
addition of a sports column
in your periodical, Im a
tad disappointed in last
weeks column.
Certainly, everyone has
their favorite teams and
favorite sports but Mr.
LeBoeuf has blatantly put
down The University of
Florida and their football
team. Perhaps you need to
assist him in his column
writing. It is not necessary
to demonize a team of
young men just playing a
game. Can they help it if
they win?
What Id like to see is
more coverage on curling.
It is the best sport on ice.
The only sports better are
shuffleboard, bocce ball,
and beach volleyball.
Thank you,
Gaye Torr

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My bank put a block on
my debit card and now I
cant pay for my groceries.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
In Debt
Dear In Debt,
Change your name to
Larceny

Dear Monica,
I want to go college but
I dont want incur debt
with a loan. My parents
tell me to work my way
through. I dont like that
idea. How I can I get them
to pay for it?
- Poor Student
Dear Slacker,
Get a job and quit
whining!

Sunday, October 18, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXV

Classifieds
For Sale
Incandescent
light bulbs. Different watts and
base sizes. Even
have dimming
and 3-way. Respond in the
classifieds attention to Edison.
Modern
art
piece. $2500. I
never liked it. I
was drunk when
I bought it.
Golf cart for sale
with clubs, bag,
shoes,
mini
pencils,
score
cards, and silly
pants. Husband
has chores to do.
Used boat. Good
condition.
It
seemed like a
good idea at the
time.

Wanted
Want
new
Thermador 48
gas range with
dual ovens. And
a new kitchen to
put it in. And a
professional
chef to cook in
the new kitchen.
New shoes and a
matching
handbag. And an
outfit to go with
them.
A nice boat for
fishing and just
relaxing on the
water. Must be
in
good
condition.
RV in good
condition. Must
be good on gas
mileage, roomy,
and comfortable.

Horoscope
Hiring
Customer
Service
Representative.
Must be skilled
in
diversion,
apology,
selfesteem building,
and able to
follow a script.
Political
canvasser
to
knock on doors
and
promote
candidates.
Exotic dancers,
male or female.
Must be able to
dance and work
nights.
Nonsmoker. We are
EOE
Looking for part
time golf caddy
to care for my
cart and clubs.

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

Answer from last weeks paper

Relax and do what you feel

like doing or not doing
today.

April 20 May 20

You look and feel good and

love is in the air.

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

March 21
- April 19

Dagger

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22

Youre grumpy today. You

will grumpy all day. Stay
away from people.
Last minute errands are
interrupted by playing
peacemaker.
You went shopping and
spent too much money.
Stop buying stuff.
Do something out of the
norm for you. Youll gain a
new perspective.
Clean your house. Clean
out your closets. Purge the
old baggage.

Oct 23 Nov 21

You are open to new ideas.

Go for it.

Nov 22 Dec 21

You are restless and

twitchy. Go do something
physical.

Dec 22 Jan 19

Planning a trip is good but

wait for a better time to go.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Do something new but not

crazy read a new book,
try a new restaurant.

Feb 19 March 20

Take some alone time for a

day. Youll feel better.

Cryptogram
WHJQAK, WHJQAK RHPA SYW
RCHJQAK; XPCK QJCY, SYW
USAWCHY QJQQAK.
-RBCKK IPRUBKO PY FSUQKRB
IPAAPSF OBSGKOEKSCK
Hint: O = S
Answer in next weeks paper