Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXVI

Halloween Asteroid
By LeeAnn Rhoden

NASA has discovered

a large asteroid, some
1300 feet in diameter that
will make a close pass by
earth on Halloween. It will
come closer to us than any
other asteroid until the
next close pass-by in
2027. What has most
scientists and experts
concerned is that the
asteroid, named TB145,
was able to sneak up on us
and wasnt even noticed
until October 10th. The
reason is that it was not in
the typical elliptical plane
as
the
planets
and
asteroids in our solar
system. TB145 comes
toward us from a different
angle.
Its a right-wing
conspiracy trying to divert

attention from the issues,

said a democratic senator.
The fact that it swings
by on Halloween has
others suspicious.
It creates panic and
takes the fun away from
the kids trick-or-treating,
said one mom. Like it
couldnt wait one day to
come by.
Its a left-wing cover
up. They didnt want us to
know it was coming, said
a republican congressman.
It wont hit earth but if
it did it would be
continentally catastrophic
but
not
globally
threatening. It is believed
that TB145 is a dead
comet. Why its still
moving is unknown and
how it died is still under
investigation.

Commercial Horrors
By Snoop Cubby

There is an invasion of
pumpkins
and
mums
going on. Everywhere you
look grocery stores,
farmers markets, church
lawns pumpkins and
mums are being sold. Not
only that, they are
appearing on the front
porches and at the
entrances
of
homes,
restaurants and stores.
Some of the pumpkins
have been gutted and
grotesque masks have
been carved into them.
These carvings depict
ghoulish images of terror,
faces, and celebrities. A
bizarre pairing with the
pleasant beauty of mums.
Another item that has
sprung up in ubiquity is

an abundance of candy.
Not just any candy, but
candy that resembles corn
and miniature candy bars
and other small packages.
Sure, every year at
this time we stock lots of
candy and pumpkins,
stated the manager of the
local Grocery Mart. Its
for Halloween.
Halloween apparently
is a holiday of sorts where
people
deliberately
disembowel the squashes,
carve them, and ignite a
candle inside them to
illuminate the carvings.
They also pass out
miniature candy to small
costumed children who
threaten to do physical
harm to their homes if not
appeased. Im scared.

Reception Leads to Lawsuit

By A. Marie Silver

Almost
newlyweds
Mark and Mary realized
on the day of their
wedding that a marriage to
each other wasnt in their
best interest.
I caught him in the
act with my maid of
honor, said almost bride,
Mary.
In
the
confessional
of
the
church, she added.
It was revenge sex,
said the almost groom,
Mark. She slept with my
best man in the middle of
my bachelor party.
Rather than argue
about it and leap into a
union that most people
would agree was a disaster
waiting to happen, the
young couple called off
their wedding hours before
the event took place.
They wanted to be
good sports about the
whole thing, said Marys
mother, Evelyn. So they
donated the food from the
reception to a local
homeless shelter.
For people who dont
always get to eat, this meal
was over the top. Shrimp
bisque, sauted lobster,
tiramisu,
oysters
and
caviar topped the menu

along with a chocolate

fountain and assorted
fruits. Unbeknownst to
Mark and Mary, theyre
troubles
were
only
beginning.
A number of the
individuals and families
this
homeless
shelter
hosted, had to be treated
for food poisoning.
Several of our clients
lost their part-time jobs
because of this, said the
shelters
coordinator,
Kelly Baxter.
Its a shame this
happened, said the almost
groom, Mark, but theres
no way we could have
known.
Lawyers representing
the plaintiffs disagree and
filed a lawsuit requesting
an unspecified amount in
damages.
If they can afford all
that seafood, they can
afford to pay out a large
settlement, said Attorney
Holden Sheldon.
The almost bride was
unavailable for comment,
she and her mother
decided to go on the
nonrefundable honeymoon
a three week long cruise
in the Bahamas.

Weather

Index

The largest hurricane

on record in the northern
hemisphere is due to make
landfall on the west coast
of Mexico.
This is expected to
cause interruptions in
vacations at the elite
resorts.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, October 25, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXVI

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf
To Gaye Torr. Thanks
for writing in and letting us
know that you cant read.
Ive never written about the
University of Florida, just as
Ive not written about
diarrhea, the Presidential
election, or other distasteful
things. As a Florida State
alumnus, I assure you that
UF news will not be part of
this
sports
experience.
Unless they lose. Like they
did to LSU. Ha ha.
Few things excite the
mind like auto racing. Who
doesnt like to watch cars go
around and around and
around and around? A
neighbor was going through
withdrawals between races
and I suggested he flush
some leaves down the toilet

for the complete NASCAR

experience. Voila! A new
sport is born! Were looking
for sponsors.
In
the
SJFFL,
mentioning Todd last week
worked and I won. This
week Im up against my
nephew Ethan, who is now
doomed. Anything other
than looking at stats, thats
my fantasy football motto.
By request, more curling
news. Germanys womens
team was sliding its way to
victory when Hilda Triceps
swept too hard in the final
end and broke her broom,
ending
their
hopes.
Washington
Nationals
pitcher Jonathan Papelbon
was seen choking Hilda after
the match. He explained,
No excuse for it. None!

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald
This past Wednesday
marked
the
26
year
anniversary of when a young
Marty McFly traveled into
the future. This, perhaps, is
the most interesting thing
Ive had to report on in
years. Yay me.
And in other boring
news a riddle. What do
you get when you mix a
drug overdose with a
brothel? Well, if youre
married to a Kardashian, its
reconciliation. Yes, thats
right, superstore

shoppers, to some people

Lamar Odoms alleged
history of drug use and
womanizing would be a turn
off.
But not for the
Kardashians.
Last but not least, it is with
sincere regret that I must
announce the end of an era.
MythBusters is scheduled to
air its last episode January
of next year. I had so many
questions for this inquisitive
duo. For example, are the
Kardashians
actually
human or plastic aliens?
Now I wont ever know.

Rants & Raves

To the driver at the
stoplight
behind
me.
Theres an ambulance
going
through
the
intersection. Thats why
Im stopped. Quit honking!
To the local schools get
your budgets straight!
Every time the doorbell
rings it the little kids
selling stuff or collecting

for something: computers

for
the
classrooms,
playground equipment, etc.
Stop. Just stop.
Thank you sir for holding
the door open for me. I hope
you recover quickly from
your bloody nose and I hope
you think twice about
pinching the next woman
you open a door for.

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

First there was carpal

tunnel syndrome and tennis
elbow. In recent years
there has been an increase
of repetitive strain injuries
attributed to technology
such as Blackberry thumb,
IPod finger, PlayStation
Thumb, and stylus finger
to name a few. Most recent
is the concern about text
neck the condition of
poor
positioning,
or
posture, due to cell phone
and tablet usage.
Repetitive
strain
injuries also account for
the number one cause of
workplace injuries, lost
time
injuries
and
workmans compensation
costs to businesses.
Pilcrow & Dagger
supports the safety of all
employees and so to
prevent repetitive injuries,
we will no longer be doing
the same things. Our
employees work will be
interrupted
every
10
minutes to do other things.
Also, our offices will no
longer file workmans
compensation claims and
no one will be allowed to
leave the work place so
there wont be any lost
time.
Join the fight against
repetitive injuries. Stop
doing things over and over.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to the article
published
about
the
preschool
bomb.
Seriously? They took a
preschooler into custody
over a potty watch? The
quality of our childrens
education has concerned
me for years, but after
reading your article last
week,
I
began
homeschooling
my
children. The fact that
teachers,
teaching
a
preschool class couldnt
figure out that the sound
was an alarm is beyond
disturbing.
Sincerely,
I Give Up
Dear Mr. Farce,
Regarding the article
about the High Cost of
Munchies in the October
11th
paper;
everyone
knows the cost of food has
been on the increase, and
dramatically so. What I
dont understand is why
then are they spending
their money on marijuana?
And why isnt Mrs. Obama
upset about it? Marijuana
makes you lethargic and
hungry. Eating and being
sedentary will make you
fat! So, what is the white
house going to do about it?
Sincerely,
Healthy Hilda

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
The fast food restaurant
I go to keeps screwing up
my orders. What should I
do?
Sincerely,
Fast Food Junkie
Dear Junkie,
Not that Im an expert
but maybe its time you
learn how to cook.

Dear Monica,
My wedding day is
approaching and I want a
big ceremony with a white
dress and everything. My
mom says I shouldnt since
this is my fifth marriage.
What do you think?
- Always the Bride
Dear Bride,
Ha! White! Funny!

Sunday, October 25, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXVI

Classifieds

Horoscope

For Sale
Antique
pay
phone. Works
good. Perfect for
family
with
teens who spend
too much time
on their cells
Hardwood
firewood by the
half
cord.
Winter
is
coming. Are you
prepared?

Wanted
Want to pay off
student
loan.
Please mail just
$1 to help. Can
you spare $1?
Thats less than
a Starbucks.
I am looking for
a tutor in basic
math.
Im
having a hard
time balancing
my checkbook.

Personals
M/F with family
looking
for
same to swap
household
chores. Ill shop
one week you
the next.
5-y/o
boy
looking
for
parents who will
spoil him and
not make him
eat his veggies.

Hiring
Wireless store
manager. Store
has no wires.
Responsibilities
would include
hiring
an
electrician.
Professional
fundraiser
to
work for free for
school system.
Go door-to-door
selling stuff.

Real Estate

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for
the
January
2016
issue.
Theme is Fairy
Tales, Fantasy,
and
Science
Fiction.
Send
them
in
to
submissions@

For
rent

hunting cabin.
Log cabin with
2-bedrooms and
indoor
plumbing.
For
sale

downtown,
head-in, parking
space.
Titled.
Financing
available.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April
19

Exclamation
Point

April 20
- May 20

Interroban
g
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Because
Sign

Octothorpe

!
Dagger

&

.
:

&

Authority
Point

Pilcrowdagger.com

Sudoku

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21

Shopping will not make

you feel better or fill the
void. Eat instead.
You are hyper sensitive
today. Luckily everyone
likes you.
Its party night! Plan on a
house full!
Meditate on your problems
so you can figure out
whats wrong with you.
Your creativity is at a peak
today. Write, paint, make
music.
Get out of the details and
step back to see the big
picture.
Your heads are in the
clouds and youre a little
ditzy.
People from your past are
coming
out
of
the
woodwork to talk to you.

Nov 22 Dec 21

An extra measure of
patience is needed today.

Dec 22 Jan 19

Youll
know
when
someone says something
but means something else.

Jan 20 Feb 18

You feel the need to stretch

your imagination.

Feb 19 March 20

Forgive and forget. Move

on and succeed.

Cryptogram

&
Double, double toil and trouble;

?
#

Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

!
?

.
@
Answer in next weeks paper

-three witches in Macbeth

William Shakespeare
Answer from last weeks puzzle