Lost In Translation: Five British Stereotypes That

Are Myths
By Fraser McAlpine | Posted on September 7th, 2011

The Ameritish Flag

Hey you! Yes you there! Ive seen you talking about us behind our backs. Ive seen
whats written on the toilet stalls in the United Nations. You think the British are just a
bunch of uptight, bitchy wet lettuces with appalling dentistry that requires us to boil all of
our food. You think were a preening bunch of moaning ninnies with an inflated sense of
self-worth and no taste.
Well we might be that last thing, but as for the rest? Its all lies! And heres why:
Stiff Upper Lip vs Whining Limey

John Hannah plays a whining limey in 'The Mummy'

Whats going on? The British travel the world telling everyone were very repressed
people who would rather die than complain, and what happens? We leave behind the
myth of the whining limey who has no backbone and would run crying home to Mater
rather than stand up and fight for what he (or she) believes in. Well clearly that cant be
true on a genetic or cultural level or wed have never created the British Empire in the
first place. Mind you, weve since given it all back, so there is a smidge of cultural
diminishment to contend with. We do tend to be sticklers for doing things properly too
if the British had been in charge of Hollywood, all the maverick characters, from Dirty
Harry to, well, Maverick in Top Gun, would have been sacked by the end of the first reel
and thats going to stick in the craw of anyone who, yknow, has a craw, with, er, stuff
stuck in it.
Conclusion: lets maybe get our joint military actions out of the way before we start
calling each other feeble, eh?

British Teeth

Austin Powers

Thats a weird one. Clearly there have been just enough snaggle-tooth Brits in the public
eye over the years to create a reputation for poor dentistry that cant now be overthrown.
It wouldnt matter if every actor or pop star we send out there had a set of gnashers that
would put *insert name of anonymous Hollywood star with very even teeth here* to
shame, once that Austin Powers gag had been made, we were all tarred with the same
toothbrush. But lets just stop and think for a moment. Are you absolutely sure that every
American has a wonderful set of perfect and pearly spud-mashers? Are you REALLY
sure? Cos weve seen hillbillies too, yknow.
Conclusion: bad teeth are universal.
You Cant Boil Pizza!

Shepherd's Pie

Ah British cuisine, an oxymoron, surely? How delighted people must be to discover that
the most loved British dish is actually curry, from India. Why,
evenJamie Bandwagon Oliver took nearly 10 years of professional cookery
broadcasting to stop automatically making Italian food every time he was asked for a
recipe. We dont squeeze fresh lemons on things when theyre about to be served (apart
from fish & chips, and even then, only when theyve been gussied up for restaurants) and
we dont drizzle olive oil. Have you seen the British weather? Weve more than enough
drizzle to go around already, thank you very much. BUT we do make spectacular pies
steak and kidney being a prime example and we invented the Cornish pasty, and the
Sunday roast, and the fried breakfast, and toad-in-the-hole and cheddar cheese and all of
those stodgy puddings that get served with custard (which even the culinary snobs over in
France call Crme Anglaise). Keith Richardslives on shepherds pie, and as we all
know, that man is unkillable.
Conclusion: So what if we cant make YOUR food right? We can do our own just fine
thanks.

Theyre Too Uptight

Colin Firth as Mr Darcy in 'Pride and Prejudice'

The British are a chippy race, its true. Were fond of puncturing pomposity and ribdigging anyone who appears to be taking themselves too seriously. But were also
incredibly soppy and romantic, given the right circumstances. Did you ever hear the story
of Eddie The Eagle Edwards? He was Britains sole entrant in the ski jumping event at
the 1988 Olympics. He was plainly not very good at it, even though he held a British
record (so he was the best of a bad bunch), and even more plainly, found the whole
experience a bit terrifying. Had the British been the snark-happy, callous bunch we are
often thought to be, wed have just laughed and left him to get stuck on a tree, but we
didnt. Eddie became a national obsession for a while, people loved the fact that he had a
go, and didnt consider himself to be, like, an auteur of skiing or something. He even got
to make a pop record, once he got back. Fittingly, it failed to jump very high up the
charts.
Conclusion: We champion the underdog (you can sing this to the tune of Champion the
Wonder Horse, if youre very, very bored).
British Tabloids Are Vicious

New York Post

Two words: Perez. Hilton. Yes our tabloids are bad, and we recently had to shut down a
whole newspaper forallegedly hacking into the voicemail of a girl who was missing and
deleting her messages, thus giving her parents false hope that she was alive, even though
she was not. But are we at the vanguard of that wave of bitchy, celebrity-obsessed,
gossip-frenzied information? Nope. Did we invent the National Enquirer? Not on my
watch. And the vicious attitude isnt unique to newspapers either. Shock jocks? You
started it. Punchy talk shows? We follow, we do not lead. Whole TV news channels
devoted to one particular partisan point of view? We havent even got there yet. Is
paparazzi a British word? Nu-uh.
Conclusion: Were bad, but so is everyone else.

Lost In Translation: Five British Stereotypes That

Are True
By Fraser McAlpine | Posted on September 14th, 2011

Its only fair and honest, having already exploded five myths about the British which
people still wish to believe, to hold our hands up and admit the shameful truths which are
scratched on the flipside of the coin.
Here are five widely generalized characteristics of the British as a people, which are also
broadly true, in my own personal British experience:
Queuing

You might think that standing in line to wait for something is a

universal concept, something which applies to every culture across the globe in an
equally boring way. Well youd be wrong. Yknow those zig-zag barriers people put up to
make sure that a queue fills the minimum possible space in as efficient and fuss-free
manner as possible, well thats like a map of the British psyche. If two people arrive at
the jump-off point at the same time, you can always spot the Brit, theyll be the one who
says after you. It might be the legacy of the long, lean rationing years after the war, or
something weve always displayed a natural aptitude for, but let me tell you this, if you
want something badly; something that other people want too, something which requires
long hours standing on your own, not talking to anyone, not looking at your cellphone
and not reading a newspaper or book that you happen to have brought with you, in the
rain; call the experts.

Fancy Book Learning

We dont really have jocks in Britain. Our educational system

while it does run concurrently with organized team sports, and while the people who are
good at those sports do tend to be more popular than the kids who are, say, good at
watching science-fiction on TV doesnt feel the need to act as if sporting achievement
and education are the same thing. Youd never get the plot of High School Musical (boy
is torn whether to go to college to study drama or play basketball) in Britain, because it
wouldnt really occur to our Troy Bolton (or as wed call him, Ian Bradshaw-Smythe)
that he couldnt do both. Hed study at school, and fit sports in wherever he can. There
again, Ians professional rugby career, should he want one, wouldnt necessarily be
helped by his choice of college, so its swings and roundabouts.

The Rapier Wit

David Hyde Pierce and Kelsey Grammar in 'Frasier'

This probably comes from a certain, rather sour world-view (lets just say End of Empire
and leave it there, shall we?), but if you want someone who can undercut a pompous,
self-regarding occasion with sharp jibes, call a Brit. Its no coincidence that the creation
of Niles Crane as a character in Frasier, the immaculate fop who lives to out-jab his
windbag brother, is played as if he is the living embodiment of the Snippy Brit. Same
with Chandler Bing in Friends, and yes, the fact that both characters are hugely insecure,
use their wit as a shield and have trouble with the ladies is not lost on us. Oh sure, the
wisecracking snoot is useless in a bar brawl, unless you want us to start it for you (our
pub fights are much the same as yours), but when it comes to keeping a sharp mind and
an even sharper tongue handy at all times, were the best.
Note: We cant take the credit for Oscar Wilde, even though hes a perfect example. Hes
Irelands glory, not ours.

The British Reserve

Colin Firth, a reserved Brit, playing a reserved Brit in 'The King's Speech'

True story. I went to cover the Royal Wedding for Anglophenia. My job was to take
photographs of the banners and the crowds and all of the accompanying frenzy. I found
myself standing with three groups of people, and as is the way of these things, we all got
chatting. The first group were two college students from Texas, whod been vacationing
in Europe. Then there was the South African man and his Yorkshire wife, and a gran and
her young grandson, both British. The South African man took great pleasure in
complaining loudly about people who he felt had pushed in front of him, so that everyone
in earshot knew he was fed up, but not fed up enough to complain directly to the people
in question. The girls from Texas laughed, and said they were well used to this kind of
behavior, as thats how people back home would react too. The British gran offered round
sandwiches and tutted sympathetically. I looked at my shoes. Thats the British reserve.

Obsessed With Class

John Cleese, Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett made fun of the class system on British TV
in 1966

What you have to understand about the British class system is the amount of time it has
taken to develop. We had the feudal system, we had serfs and lords of the manor and
scheming barons and knights of the realm and pageantry and all of that stuff, we
beheaded one of our own kings, had a civil war, then put his son on the throne (after
seizing most of his legislative power). Women got the vote in 1918, but only if they were
over 30 and of decent standing in the community. The social legacy of 1000 years of
bubbling resentment (from below) and paranoia (from above) is this sense of social order,
and people knowing their place or facing the consequences. Your lower and upper classes
can carouse and fight and smash things up as much as they like, safe in the knowledge
that the middle classes, acting as a buffer, will clear everything up in the morning, tutting

as they do so. Its an etiquette nightmare, especially as were also reserved, waspish and
quick to form queues.