COUNSELING BY JUDY

NEWSLETTER
Spring, 2012

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict in relationships, whether it be between spouses, family members,
friends, or coworkers, is virtually inevitable. Conflict itself isnt the problem,
however; how its handled can bring people closer together or push them
farther apart. Poor communication can potentially weaken the bond between
people, resulting in mistrust, frustration, and resentment. Disagreements and
misunderstandings can be grounds for intense anger and distancing. On the
other hand, effective communication can enable sharing of information,
perspective taking, and profound understanding. When communication flows
well, conflict can be resolved in a cooperative manner, instead of escalating to
a destructive level. Good communication is essential to achieving and
sustaining a healthy relationship.
Collaborative strategies for negotiating conflicts include the following steps:
1. Choose a mutually acceptable time and place to discuss the
conflict
2. Talk it out- Each person takes a turn stating his or her position and
needs, while the other person attentively listens and tries to understand the
speakers perspective.

The single biggest

problem in
communication is the
illusion that it has taken
place.
~George Bernard Shaw

3. Brainstorm solutions to resolve the conflict

4. Choose a solution that meets each persons needs and one on which
they can both agree.

Judy Kaminsky, MFT

Specializing in, but not limited to, Marriage & Family Therapy
600 West Germantown Pike- Suite 400
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania 19462
(610)-940-1710
counselingbyjudy@comcast.net

www.counselingbyjudy.com

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HEALTHY
COMMUNICATION USING
I-MESSAGES
An I-message is an assertive way to
express your anger, sadness, or
disappointment with something
another person has said or done.
It allows you to communicate how

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice
as much as we speak ~Epictetus

you feel without attacking or blaming.

An "I" message can help de-escalate
a conflict and pave the way for a
constructive conversation as well as
a resolution.

I-Message Formula:
I feel ______________ (State your
feeling) when you ____________
(Describe the behavior that elicits the
feeling) because ______________
(State why the behavior causes that
feeling). Id like ______________
(State what youd like instead.)
Example: "I feel hurt and ignored when
youre texting while were eating dinner
together, because it seems like youre not
interested in being with me. Id like you to
put the cell phone away when were at the
dinner table."

TIPS
Stay focused on the
issue at hand. Dont
bring up past hurts or
other issues.
Acknowledge your
share of responsibility in
the conflict.
Take time to cool off if
one or both of you is
getting too angry or
upset to have a
constructive
conversation.
Resume with a
constructive attitude
and mutual respect
when both of you have
calmed down.
If youve tried to
resolve conflicts on your
own and youre still
struggling, consider
therapy to learn new
communication and
conflict resolution skills.

THINGS TO AVOID
Defensiveness
Overgeneralization
(i.e. You always
You never)
Blame
Criticism
Ridicule
Body language that
conveys disinterest or
that is patronizing
Character attacks;
Name-calling (i.e.
Youre lazy. Youre
careless.)
Lying
Needing to be right or
to win
Interrupting
Being judgmental