Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXVII

Bewitched Lawsuit
By A. Marie Silver

As
if
Halloween
wasnt any stranger with
the overdone costumes
and bagged cavities, now
it seems theres a law suit
thats been filed between a
real life witch and
warlock.
He
stole
my
broomstick and put a hex
on my cat, said 32-yearold Lizzie Sutton. Thats
against the rules!
I
borrowed
her
broomstick and as for her
cat, said 30-year-old
Roderick Anson. That cat
was already evil. All
anyone had to do was look
at her and she attacked.
Ms. Sutton filed the
lawsuit a few days ago,
requesting unspecified

damages and a restraining

order. The restraining
order, if granted would
prevent Mr. Anson from
going anywhere near Ms.
Sutton, her occult store,
Bedknobs
and
Broomsticks, or her coven.
Mr.
Anson
is
countersuing stating that
he is also a member of the
same
coven
and
preventing
him
from
attending coven events
would be a violation of his
First Amendment rights.
Im not guilty of
anything, except poor taste
in women.
Mr. Anson admits he
found
Ms.
Sutton
attractive at first but has
since moved on to another
witch in the same coven.

Parents Relocate for Halloween

By Snoop Cubby

A couple who recently

moved to Georgia for a
better life for their kids, is
packing up and moving
north to Connecticut based
on an AOL article. The
article,
published
on
October 26, 2015, released
a list of Halloween candies
that are most popular in
each state. According to
the article, the preferred
candy in Georgia is pixie
sticks.
Pixie sticks? said
Mr. Herssey. Are they
kidding me?
Clearly pixie sticks are
not the Herssey familys
kind of candy.
Everyone knows that
Halloween is all about the

chocolate, said Mrs.

Herssey. Our real estate
agent should have told us
this before we moved to
Georgia.
In
addition
to
relocating, the Herssey
family is also pondering a
law suit against their real
estate agent for not
bringing
the
states
preferred candy to their
attention.
We have a weekend
trip
to
Connecticut
scheduled,
said
Mr.
Herssey. This way, our
children will get the same
quality candy we grew up
with.
According to AOLs
article, the preferred candy
in Connecticut is Reeses
Peanut Butter cups.

Thanksgiving Blackout
By LeeAnn Rhoden

It was once the case

that stores were closed on
Thanksgiving and then
they'd be open on Black
Friday for all the shoppers.
Then chaos and calamity
occurred. It wasn't enough
that stores were open but
then who had the better
sales? Who could have
rolling sales to keep
customers in their stores?
Who could offer layaway?
Who could open earlier?
Then not just who
could open earlier on
Black Friday, but who
would be open on
Thanksgiving. Really.
Then,
as
enthusiastically as the
shoppers,
came
the
outcries of the "family"
people.
"Seriously, I don't have
time
to
shop
on
Thanksgiving," said Mrs.
Milquetoast. "You have to
draw the line. I simply
cannot
decorate
for
Thanksgiving, cook a feast
for the entire extended
family, entertain, clean up,
and then have the energy
to shop for Christmas
gifts. It's too much to ask
of moms."
"It's not meant to be a

burden," commented one

shopkeeper. "We were
open for the convenience
of our patrons. We have
patrons
who
don't
celebrate Thanksgiving we
don't
want
to
disenfranchise."
The outcry to have
stores
close
on
Thanksgiving became so
loud that it is now a
contest to see how many
stores can announce their
closing. The trend started
with REI and has grown to
include:
GameStop,
Lowe's, TJX, and Staples.
For those stores opening
on the holiday are waiting
until the evening with
opening time around 6
PM.
"I don't go out
shopping anymore," said
Cyndi Cyber. "I can go
online, catch great deals,
pay little or no sales tax,
and many times no
shipping fees either. My
gifts are wrapped, attached
with a card, packaged and
shipped and I don't have to
get out of my pajamas."
The online shopping is
growing exponentially and
retail
outlets
should
perhaps focus marketing
to their online customers.

Weather

Index

There will be weather

but what exactly it will be
is a crap shoot. Some days
will be warmer than
others. Some days will be
drier than other. Keep
jackets and umbrellas
handy. Layers. Dress in
layers.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor..............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, November 1, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXVII

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

Its that most exciting

time in sports, the World
Series. A time when titans
battle blah blah blah. This
year features The New
York Not The Yankees and
a team that might be from
Kansas or Missouri, were
not sure. For more on
baseball, look somewhere
else.
By the time you read
this, American Pharaoh
will have finished his
illustrious racing career at
the 2015 Breeders Cup.
Our only exposure to horse
racing was when our
parents were invited to the
1980 Kentucky Derby and
offered to place a $5 bet
for us and our brother,
Roger. We picked

Editorial

Genuine Risk at random,

not knowing she was a
filly at the time and not
knowing what that meant
anyway, while Roger went
with the favorite, Plugged
Nickel. We won about $80
and our brother won
bupkis. Ha ha. Washington
Nationals pitcher Jonathon
Papelbon
was
seen
choking Plugged Nickel
after the race in sympathy
for Roger.
In SJFFL we continue
to win after mentioning
our opponent here, giving
a sound thrashing to our
nephew last week. This
week were up against our
brother, whom we mocked
in the previous paragraph
and is the early favorite to
win. Will the streak hold?
www.danielleboeuf.com

Happenings
By Blabby Rumor

Well, the GOP had yet

another
debate
last
Wednesday. They chose to
debate the moderators
rather than each other. In
all fairness, however, the
moderators could have
been replaced with 7th
graders and there would
have
been
more
substantive
questions.
Rumor has it that Gilmore
and Pataki will drop out
and Graham will drink to
that.

Did you turn your

clocks back? Did you turn
them ahead? No one
knows really how or why
this has to be done and it's
high time to stop this
nonsense. A video "movie
trailer" had come out that
highlights time change
hilariously. A must see.
https://www.youtube.com/
watch?v=k4EUTMPuvHo
Rumor
has
it
that
eventually we'll stop the
madness and decide on a
time.

Rants & Raves

To
drama
queens
everywhere, youre not
special. Being accountable
for your actions is part of
being an adult. Try it
sometime!
Jerk - The person turning
from a busy road into the
parking lot HAS THE
RIGHT OF WAY. You're
going to kill someone.

To the wonderful husbands

taking the little ones out
trick-or-treating - you're
awesome!
Thanks to all the awesome
neighbors for decorating
with
pumpkins
and
Halloween lights. Brings
the kids down the once
dark street. And pthbbtth
to the cranky people who
don't pass out candy.

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

I recently had the

displeasure of taking my
nephew trick o treating at
a local event. For those of
you who know me, Im an
introvert and generally
dislike leaving my house.
However, my brother paid
me to take his kid away
from them for a few hours,
so I thought this would be
fun. Boy was I wrong. The
event, held at a local
shopping center was a
nightmare. Little demons,
ghosts
and
miniature
Batmen clogged up the
sidewalks,
making
it
impossible for anyone to
get through. And then
there was the candy. All
my nephew received at
every store was either
Twizzlers or Sweet Tarts. I
so looked forward to
stealing his candy but
when I saw his loot, it left
me with a stomach ache. I
hereby
propose
that
Twizzlers and Sweet Tarts
along with any candy
similar to those be banned
from all Halloween events.
Hershey bars, M&Ms,
peanut butter cups and
chocolate kisses are all
acceptable replacements.
After all, chocolate is the
only thing worth leaving
my house for.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to the article
published last week about
the couple who is being
sued by the homeless
shelter occupants Im tired
of hearing how everyone at
the shelter should be
grateful for all the free,
extravagant food they
received.
It wasnt just the
residents of the shelter
who suffered. My cat also
suffered after eating the
free shrimp. Now she cant
even look at my goldfish
without puking.
Sincerely,
Sick Silly
Dear Mr. Farce,
I am disturbed by the
Halloween asteroid. I don't
know what concerns me
more, that there are things
out
there
that
can
randomly hit us literally
out of the blue, or that it
was discovered and no one
was doing anything about
it?
Why can't your staff
writers and investigative
reporter go and investigate
why our scientific efforts
aren't being put to good
use designing some sort of
protocol to divert these
things? What if it really
hit? Then what?
- Scared Silly

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
Im at a loss for what I
should be for Halloween.
Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
At a Loss
Dear Loss,
Be an adult for
Halloween. Stay home.

Dear Monica,
My mother doesn't like
my
girlfriend.
My
girlfriend doesn't like my
brother. My brother doesn't
like the way my mother
treats my girlfriend. How
can I keep the peace?
- Torn
Dear Torn,
Get
rid
girlfriend.

of

the

Sunday, November 1, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXVII

Classifieds
For Sale
Set of 8 blue
glass
martini
glasses. Martinis
sold separately.
No cracks or
chips.
Photo
album
filled
with
pictures of my
ex-girlfriend. I
don't want them
anymore.
Hiring
Hiring Big Cat
Trainer. Must be
familiar
with
lions and tigers.
Best if you have
your own whip.
Looking
for
laboratory
assistant willing
to
test
experimental
products.

Horoscope

Wanted
Looking for a
tree
climber.
Think it would
be cool to have
someone hang
out in the trees.

Personals
Single
dad
looking
for
perfect woman
to be mom to
kids. Must cook
and clean.

Want a singlewide trailer for

my mother-inlaw who wants
to "live" with us.

Lost puppy dog

looking for a
home with a
kind owner and
a big enough
bed for us both.

Real Estate
High-traffic, highprofile
historic
building for rent.
Utilities
and
repairs
tenant
responsibility.

Roommate
wanted. Must be
clean, quiet and
pay on time.
Must like dogs
and willing to
walk them.

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger will be
at the Georgia
Literary Festival
on
November
7th Held in
Augusta
this
year,
The
festival will be
on the GRU
grounds. Stop
by and see us!

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

Interrobang

May 21 June 20

Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand

&

Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

Octothorpe

Dagger

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Emotional success should

be your focus today. Are
you winning?
Don't let your defenses
down.
Predators
are
everywhere.
You're boisterous and
jovial not arrogant and
loud. Screw them.
Don't let their jealousy ruin
your successes. They aren't
worth it.
Stop changing yourself to
please everyone else.
Sometimes you have to do
unpleasant things. Get over
it and eat your peas.
You've been wishy-washy
and now you have to make
a decision. It's hard.
You've been doing all the
work. Make the others
pitch in.
Try to be flexible. But if
the advice you're given is
stupid, don't do it.

Dec 22 Jan 19

Others will thwart your

progress. Run them down.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Opportunity is knocking.
Open the door.

Feb 19 March 20

You're sensitive so people

flock to you. Don't get
sucked in to their drama.

&

&

& @

& @ ?

&

JCVP RK SCZZNP QLKCU HP. -

@ #

&

FNLCSK ICZZ

? @

&

@ #

!
*

Answer from last weeks paper

&

Cryptogram
FCQHP HV C SCQJK; RK RKCMK C
PFLKCT NA HP KMKLE TCE, CZT CP

Hint: S = C
Answer in next week's paper