Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXVIII

Word of the Year Announced

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Collins
Dictionary
announced the Word of
the Year for 2015. The
word? Binge-watch. What
does it mean? It means to
watch a large number of
television
programs
(especially all the shows
from one series) in
succession. Seriously, a
real first world issue.
Weve all done it.
Weve all found a series
that we want to catch up
on and now that reruns are
available on the internet,
Netflix, or in DVDs from
the local library we can do
just that. And if were not
feeling well or it its a
rainy weekend what better
way to spend your time?
Binge-watch
was
number one on the top ten

list. The other words are:

dadbod,
shaming,
corbynomics, clean eating,
ghosting,
swipe,
contactless, manspreading,
and transgender.
Still waiting for the
Word of the Year choices
from the Oxford English
Dictionary and MerriamWebster
Dictionary.
However, for 2014 the
words were vape for the
Oxford Dictionary and
Merriam-Webster chose
culture.
Words of the Year are
selected by a study of how
language is used, what
words become commonplace and even emerging
meanings to words already
in the language.
Binge-read has not yet
made the list.

Authors Brawl
By Snoop Cubby

On
Saturday
the
Georgia Literary Festival
was held in Augusta, GA
on the Georgia Regents
University Summerville
campus.
It
was
a
successful
day
with
authors
and
vendors
selling their books and
magazines.
Several authors spoke
and offered up their
insights and expertise.
Following their book talk
they offered their books
for sale and signing. Two
authors got into an
altercation of sorts when
on inadvertently signed
the book of the author
sitting next to him.
Schlemiel
just
grabbed my book and
signed HIS name in my

book! declared author

Murphy Mensch. Then he
called me a mensch!
I
apologized
for
signing the wrong book.
And Mensch is his name,
said author Doyle. At
least I got his name right.
My name is Sherlock.
The war of words
deteriorated into a contest
of insults beginning with
the use of Rogets
Thesaurus and degrading
to an old Shakespearean
insult worksheet found in
an old Shakespeare tome
in the stacks.
The winner was the
patron who was the owner
of the mis-signed book
who was given a book by
Mr. Doyle signed by Mr.
Mensch.

Shopper Sedated
By A. Marie Silver

For some people, this

time of year is filled with
happy memories
and
excitement. For others,
like Crystal Melonie, this
time of year is absolutely
terrifying.
Ms. Melonie is part of
a rare group of individuals
who
suffers
from
christougenniatiko
dentrophobia a fear of
Christmas trees.
It used to be that
stores
waited
until
December
before
displaying
Christmas
trees, said Ms. Melonie.
But now, they start
earlier and earlier.
Ms. Melonie was out
shopping for Halloween
candy when she entered a
super store that had a
display of Christmas trees
up in the aisle across from
the Halloween goodies.
Everything was fine,
Ms. Melodie stated. One
minute I was grabbing a
few pounds of candy for
the trick o treaters, and
the next, I was on the
floor.
Witnesses
described
the events that unfolded as
terrifying and a real
downer.

Dude,
said
an
anonymous witness. It
was like, all of a sudden.
Ya know?
We didnt have a clue
what he was talking about
so we asked someone else.
She was with her
son, said Ms. Groker, a
mother of three. She
turned, casually looking
across the aisle and began
screaming.
Dude,
said
the
anonymous witness. She
totally freaked out and
tried to climb inside a
plastic coffin.
Store
employees
notified
police
and
paramedics were brought
to the scene where they
were able to sedate Ms.
Melonie
before
transporting her to the
hospital by ambulance.
Her husband met her and
her son at the emergency
room.
Christougenniatiko
dentrophobia is a real
disease,
said
Mr.
Melonie.
Its
not
something to make fun of.
This is why stores
shouldnt
display
Christmas trees before
December.

Weather

Index

There will be all sorts

of weather some good,
some bad. Some normal,
some unseasonal. Dress in
layers and keep rain gear
with you. Complain. We
do. It wont change
anything.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, November 8, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXVIII

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

A follow-up from last

weeks column - The
Kansas City Royals play in
Missouri.
The
Tampa
Bay
Buccaneers are asking the
State of Florida for $1
million per year to help
renovate their stadium. In a
rare show of good sense,
The Florida Commission
to Waste Public Money on
Sports Teams has rejected
similar requests from the
Miami
Dolphins,
Jacksonville
Jaguars,
Daytona
International
Speedway, and Orlandos
soccer club.
An unofficial poll of
players shows that the
most feared words in
sports are torn ACL,
season ending injury,
concussion, and

Washington
Nationals
pitcher
Jonathon
Papelbon. Papelbon was
seen choking this column
after the announcement.
In
hockey,
the
Columbus Blue Jackets
have blamed their poor
start on the OSU Buckeyes
football
team.
The
citizens voted and only one
team at a time is allowed
to be awesome, moaned
team captain Nick Foligno,
Wait until after football.
Then well come back
strong.
Sadly, our fantasy
football win streak after
mentioning our opponent
in this column has ended,
with a close and crushing
defeat by my brother when
it looked like we had
victory sewn up. Were in
mourning and cant go on
right now.

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

Well it appears that

todays headlines are a tad
more interesting than they
have been in the past.
According to Fox News,
Eddie Murphys girlfriend
is pregnant with his ninth
child. Maybe its time Mr.
Murphys parents take him
aside and explain to him
how babies are made.
And in other news,

Blake Shelton and

Gwen Stefani are dating.
Blake was divorced over
the summer and Gwen
Stefani filed for divorce in
August.
I
plan
on
hibernating over the next
few weeks and during that
time I wouldnt be
surprised if Blake and
Gwen have ended their
relationship by the time I
wake up. If not, who really
cares?

Editorial
Now that Halloween
has passed, the toilet paper
has been removed from the
trees, the Jack-o-lanterns
have been tossed out, and
the kids have stopped
ringing the doorbell, we
can turn our attention to a
more important time of
year food.
Everyone knows that
the holidays are for family
and traditions but we all
know its really about the
food. Grandmas pumpkin
pie, Aunt Fannys mashed
potatoes, cousin Maries
meatballs, Uncle Larrys
mint juleps its all about
the food. And everyone
knows that most people
gain
weight
between
October and January which
is scientific proof that this
time of year is all about the
food.
Pilcrow & Dagger is
supportive of the concept
of food and however
people want to celebrate it.
We are supportive of any
and all types of food
regardless of its persuasion
or creed.
Pilcrow & Dagger
does not however, support
the discrimination of food
or the wasting of it. This
food season, be sure to be
food friendly and tolerant.

Rants & Raves

To the local elementary
school youre like a
dripping faucet: fundraiser
for this, get a shirt for that,
make a costume for this,
need money for that, buy
this, support for that. I am
not a money tree. Stop. Im
begging you to stop.
Everyone
bitchin!

quit

your

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to the article
published regarding the
Thanksgiving
Day
blackout. Id like to thank
all the one-percenters for
pushing to have stores like
the one I work for to be
closed on Thanksgiving.
Because of them, I now
dont get the double time
pay
Ive
grown
accustomed too. Dont
worry about my kids, Im
sure theyll enjoy opening
up empty shoe boxes on
Christmas.
Sincerely,
Works For Money
Dear Mr. Farce,
Im disturbed by the
article about the parents
relocating to give their
children better candy.
This is just another blatant
example of parents over
indulging their children.
To move so that their
children can beg for and
get better candy is just
stupid. Its free candy!
What happened to teaching
children to be grateful for
what they get. What
happened to you get what
you get and you dont
pitch a fit? This mentality
epitomizes what is wrong
with our youth and society
today!
- Old Timer

Dear Monica

To
drama
queens
everywhere. Youre not
special. Youre not entitled
to anything and nobody
wants to read about your
high school crap on the
Internet. Grow up!

Dear Monica,
One local radio station
has already started playing
Christmas carols. What
should I do?
Caroled
out
by
Thanksgiving

To the wonderful smiling

people everywhere. Thank
you
for
being
that
unintentional spark.

Dear Caroled,
Have
you
listening to a
station?

tried
sports

Dear Monica,
Every day its the same
routine. Im bored with it.
How can I make my life
more exciting?
- Burned out and Bored
Dear Bored,
Try doing something
outside your routine like
holding up a liquor store.
Go get a nice scotch.

Sunday, November 8, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXVIII

Classifieds

Horoscope

For Sale
Gift boxes for
sale.
White,
5x5x3.5.
Perfect for any
gift-appropriate
time. Gift not
included.
Fence for sale.
Wooden picket
fence 48 tall
with gate. Good
condition. Be a
good neighbor.

Wanted
Looking
for
electric wheel
chair just to
cruise around in
and to garner
sympathy.

Personals
Busy
writer
looking
for
assistant to take
short
hand
dictation on the
go.

Need mosquito
zapper new or
used. Rain =
flooding = mosquitoes. Cant
go outside.

You talkin to
me? You talkin
to me? Then
who the hell else
are you talkin
to?

Hiring
Now
hiring
people that fall
for scam ads for
fake jobs. This
is not a scam.
No training nec.

Real Estate
Roommate
wanted to share
1-bedroom apt.
Must work night
shift because I
work days.

Notices
A boil water
alert will be in
effect for the
week of Thanksgiving. Just a
heads up.

Looking for individuals who

went to vocational school
and have an
actual skill.

Lake
front,
mountain
lots
liquidation.
5
acre lots for as
little as $5. Call
today!

Smoking
is
hazardous
to
your
health.
Dont go outside
without
your
sunscreen.

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

!
Dagger

&

.
*

&

*
.

April 20 May 20

To ease your stress drink

water and exercise.

May 21 June 20

You feel romantic today so

call your partner.

&

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

An annoying woman with

issues will visit with you
today. Good luck.
Youll get a lot of calls
from needy people. Dont
lose your voice.
Deposit your checks, pay
your bills. Theyll stop
calling.
You are feeling energetic
and happy so go out and
get some exercise.
Call your distant friend.
Either you or they need a
friendly voice.
Stay
out
of
heated
discussions or meetings.
Not a good time to disagree.
Positive changes are on the
way. Be happy and roll
with it.
You are either going back
to school or taking a long
trip. Get started.
All your legal stuff will be
settled this week. Move on
with life.

Cryptogram

& @
!

A bad experience will have

someone you know in a
foul mood.

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

March 21
- April 19

Habit is a cable; we weave a thread of it every day,

and at last we cannot break it.

- Horace Mann

.
Answer in next weeks paper

Answer from last weeks puzzle