PAGE 2 • THE RAM • APRIL 1, 2010
SECURITY Health Center Diagnoses Patient’s Pimple as Herpes
BRIEFS
March 23, The Marketplace,
12:45 p.m.
Several students spontaneously
combusted after eating the
cafeteria’s beef pasta and fish sticks.
Security used fire extinguishers to
put out the flames. The caf then
used the students for Taco Tuesday
meat.
March 24, Walsh Gate,
10:30 p.m.
A troll was discovered asking
students a series of questions
outside Walsh Gate before he/she
were permitted to enter campus.
Security gave the creature a desk
assistant position inside Martyrs’
Court.
March 25, The Millennium
Grill,
2:20 a.m.
A student left her Coach purse
unattended on a table outside of
O’Hare Hall for three hours while
partying at Howl. Returning
in a drunken stupor, she found
the bag right where she left it.
Security still can’t figure out how
that happened.
March 28, Tierney Hall,
3:30 a.m.
A student walked into his
first-floor room in Tierney Hall
to find his roommate’s severed
hand, blood on the wall and what
appeared to be a large quantity
of cat hair. There was no sign
of forced entry, and Security is
investigating.
March 28, The Bronx Zoo,
8:15 a.m.
The Bronx Zoo reported
that its lion enclosure has been
compromised and a specimen is
missing. Students are advised to
be conscious of potential dangers
and avoid carrying raw meat
around with them.
March 29, GB-ILC,
12 a.m.
Two students on GB-ILC were
documented for having loud sex.
Dismissing the male student, the
RA involved attempted to seduce
the female student. Security is
creeped out.
March 29, Fordham Prep,
3:30 p.m.
Running from the police, a local
resident jumped a fence onto
campus and beat up a Fordham
Prep student for his bicycle. A
crowd of Queen’s Court residents
applauded.
April 1, Edward’s Parade,
5:30 p.m.
A student reported a feral
walrus on campus. Upon
investigation, Security discovered
that the beast was in fact the an
administrative official and posed
no danger to students’ health. Just
their housing situation.
By BARNABAS STINSON
HEALTH OFFICIAL
Regina George, FCRH ’11
was diagnosed with herpes by
the Fordham Health Center on
Friday March 5, 2010. However,
over her spring break in New Jer-
sey, her private physician discov-
ered that the University nursing
staff had mistaken a bad case of
acne for the sexually transmitted
disease.
George had gone to the health
center requesting bandages for
her knees after suffering rug
burns the previous Tuesday night,
but upon arrival, the attending
nurse believed she discovered a
far worse condition.
“She told me that I had con-
tracted oral herpes,” George said.
“It wasn’t a big surprise to me,
I usually don’t remember too
U2 Band Member Bono Will Join Board of Directors
Paul Hewson, better known as Bono, was impressed by Fordham’s campus and wants to invest more in the University.
By BARNABAS STINSON
KEEPER OF THE BRO CODE
Having held his seat as chairman
of the Board of Directors since
2004, John N. Tognino, FCLS ’75,
will be stepping down from his
position effective April 1, 2010.
Replacing him will be Irish activ-
ist, philanthropist and musician
Paul Hewson, more commonly
known by the moniker “Bono.”
“Mr. Hewson visited our cam-
pus last March, and it seemed to
me, along with many members of
the administration, that students
responded very positively to him,”
Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J.,
NEWS
much of my Saturday nights, so it
was totally possible.”
The Health Center prescribed
George with a 10-day dose of
Valtrex, a strong antiviral to com-
bat the herpes. When the pre-
scription had run out and little
improvement was seen, George
sought a second opinion from
her doctor.
“When I went into his office, he
poked my face and told me that it
wasn’t herpes, just a few pimples,”
George said. “I didn’t need all
that medication anymore, just a
good face wash and to stop eating
so much chocolate.”
While George was in high spir-
its about the mix-up, Fordham’s
administration is infuriated with
the Health Center.
“This mistake shows the need
for renovations to our medical
school,” Rev. Joseph M. McShane,
president of the University, said.
“We are hoping that his continued
presence in the Fordham com-
munity will have a lasting positive
effect as we work to achieve the
goals in our Toward 2016 plan.”
Hewson was unavailable for
comment, as he was committed to
recording sessions in the south of
France with members of rock su-
pergroup U2.
A spokesperson, however, said
that he was “looking forward” to
the new position, hoping it would
foster better trans-Atlantic rela-
tionships between Fordham and
the Irish people.
“Ideally, it will allow the Ford-
S.J., president of the University
aid. “I am proud to announce
that I will be adding the Fordham
Medical School to the 2016 plan,
with a complete overhaul so acci-
dents like this never occur again.”
“That’s okay, we can have room
for all those med students in Mar-
trys’,” McShane responded when
informed that Fordham does not
have a medical school.
This was only the most recent
cases of the health center’s mis-
haps this semester. A Fordham
College art major who went to
the Health Center after his fin-
ger tips turned blue was told he
only had spilt paint on his hand.
Upon further examination, a pri-
vate physician concluded he had
hypothermia.
“This is just another example
of Obama’s health care plan gone
wrong,” Katie Poedtke, the presi-
STEPHEN MOCCIA/THE RAM
ham name to reach to new places,
new people and new markets.”
McShane said. “This overseas con-
nection is especially important
as our traditional markets in the
northeastern United States see a
decrease in population and appli-
cations.”
Students tended to be unin-
formed about the decision, and in
many cases, were rather apathetic
about the situation.
“I can’t say that who the Chair-
man of the Board is matters to me
in any way, shape or form,” said
Alice Kingsley, CBA ’12.
“Why won’t they just say that
they’re bringing Bono on board?”
dent of Fordham College Repub-
licans, said. “The public option is
destroying the quality care people
have come to expect in America.”
Although Obama’s health-care
plan had not taken effect when
these incidents occurred, parents
are questioning the quality of the
nursing staff.
“My son went to the Health
Center with a stomachache and
they told him to just eat less
chicken rolls, but he actually had
tape worms,” Martin Brodeur
said.
While the Fordham Health
Center may have its flaws, there
is always a silver lining to every
foible.
“I’ve learned a lot from the
experience,” George said. “Next
time I think I have herpes, I’ll
find the drunk guy I hooked up
with and ask him first.”
Heywood Jablome, FCRH ’11
said. “Trying to sneak around by
using his real name isn’t going to
change the fact that they’re rely-
ing on fleeting celebrity to boost
this school’s reputation. We
should be focusing on improving
our long-term visibility through
sports teams.”
“With my new position, I hope
that we will be able to add a reli-
gious, Christian perspective to
the fight against poverty,” Hewson
said.
The press release went on to
say that, with the new chairman,
Fordham plans to establish a new,
world-class, center for research
and work on political, social and
economic development in Africa
and other underdeveloped re-
gions of the world.
Later that day, Columbia Uni-
versity development economist
Jeffrey Sachs was reportedly
quoted as saying that he and Bono
were “so not friends anymore.”
Tognino Hall in Duane Library
will, in spite of the change in lead-
ership, retain its name. However,
other changes are anticipated in
the near future. Confirmed chang-
es include the renaming of Mar-
tyrs’ Court to the “South Dublin
Building,” with Goupil, Jogues
and LaLande Halls being named
after Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen
and The Edge respectively, and a
new Elevation Center for the Per-
forming Arts being constructed
following demolition of John
Mulcahy Hall this summer.
When asked where the depart-
ments currently occupying the
building would relocate to, namey
mathematics, Fr. McShane said,
“Who cares?”
The math department was un-
available for comment.
Students should expect to see
these changes beginning almost
immediately, with the unveiling
of plans for the new arts center
slated for April 7, when it is ex-
pected that Hewson will address
the Fordham community for the
first time in this capacity with a
speech entitled “Bono: the Man,
the Legend, Why We Need to
Save Africa.”
In related news, the board of di-
rectors voted to change the school
motto to Ego Etiam non Instituo
quis Volo, which roughly trans-
lates to “I Still Haven’t Found
What I’m Looking For.”
 NEWS APRIL 1, 2010 • THE RAM • PAGE 3

Hughes Hall Condemned, New Dorms To Be CBA Headquarters

By ROGER CHRISTOPHERS
STAFF NICE GUY
Hughes Hall has been con-
demned to be demolished, Rev.
Joseph M. McShane, S.J., presi-
dent of the University, announced
Friday. The College of Business
Administration will be relocated
to the new buildings instead, and
upperclassmen will be housed in
Martyrs’.
As a tenet to obtaining the
permit to build the new dorms,
Fordham was forced to have all
its buildings inspected. Though
ResLife would not announce
where Hughes lost points, it did di-
vulge that it lost triple the amount
necessary to condemn a building.
Residents have speculated that
the rodent and insect problems,
faulty elevators and electrical
systems, unreliable water system,
unidentified matter consistently
residing in the stairwells and the
occasional dead body could have
contributed. ResLife would also
not divulge how many points the
other buildings lost, including
Martyrs’.
“Personally, I never feel safe
when I enter the building,” Lynn
DeBlare, FCRH ’13 and Hughes
resident, said. “It’s as if something
is grabbing at my throat, and I start
to feel nauseous, like I want to
projectile vomit and spin my head
around. I don’t know if it’s just the
environment, or if it’s some infes-
tation, or what, but I would swear
that building is cursed.”
The Board of Trustees is cur-
rently in talks as to how much
money to allocate to the necessary
renovations to the new buildings
to turn the completed rooms into
offices, though Donna Rapaccioli,
Ph.D., dean of CBA and dean of
the faculty of business administra-
tion, said she does not think the
changes will be too costly at this
stage.
“Really, it’s going to be offices,
conference rooms, that sort of
thing, and walls can easily be
knocked down to make each
apartment into a single office, and
the lounges can be used as the
conference rooms,” Rapaccioli
said. “As for the bathrooms and
kitchens in each room, the CBA
faculty has said that it is okay with
dealing with the extra amenities.”
Martyrs’ will not be renovated
at all, as ResLife said it passed in-
spection just fine, and is working
adequately for the current sopho-
more class.
“The University does not see
any reason to change an estab-
lished, extremely successful resi-
dential hall,” Greer Jason, assis-
tant dean of students and director
of ResLife, said.
The University is still unde-
cided as to what it will do in the
space left by Hughes Hall. The
Board of Trustees has put in an
application for an on-site four-
star restaurant, so its members do
not need to travel into Manhattan,
while CBA is lobbying for a new
CBA classroom building with
such perks as holographic video
chats, free practice gourmet busi-
ness luncheons daily and access to
U.S. News and World Report data-
bases. McShane reportedly favors
a statue dedicated to Bono.
“Due to changes in the business
world, we feel that the space would
be perfect for adequately outfit-
ting our business students with
the latest tools so they are able to
function in the competitive world
that awaits them after graduation,”
Rapaccioli said. “Really, I think
they deserve a classroom building
all their own, especially now that
they will finally have adequate
PHOTO BY THE GHOSTBUSTERS
space for their offices.”
Hughes Hall, the setting of scenes in The Exorcist, will soon be demolished, though Martyrs’ Court will remain standing.
Though the University said it is
unsure how it will fund the new “The University holds a special celsior | Ever Upward | The Cam- Exorcist, which deals with the
building, it will likely be a combi- place in the heart of its students, paign for Fordham, and this plays unfortunate accidents reported
nation of a capital campaign and its alumni, New York and the perfectly into it.” to stem from the movie’s alleged
a hike in tuition. McShane said world,” he said. “Whatever we fill A leak on TMZ.com says that curse. The scene taking place in
he does not, however, think the into the available spot can only the news may end up bringing Father Dyer’s bedroom was shot
demolition of Hughes, the new aid the progress of the students further prestige to the Univer- in a room on the residence hall’s
expenses or the confusion will and ultimately the drive of the sity, as E! reported plans visit fourth floor. Michael Douglas is
hinder Excelsior | Ever Upward | University. I am issuing a call for the University to update its “E! reportedly on board to help with
The Campaign for Fordham. all to aid in this progress with Ex- True Hollywood Story” on The the special.

Maroon Square Becomes ‘Foursquare,’ Scattered Around Campus

By LUCY GORGON
STAFF HYPNOTIST
The Student Life Committee
unanimously voted Monday to
approve United Student Gov-
ernment’s proposal to establish
a free-speech zone, known as
Maroon Square. The square,
which had been on the table for
some time, finally gained con-
sensus after USG and adminis-
trators agreed on a few changes
to the original plan. Instead of
a single, high-profile location,
Maroon Square will be com-
prised of four separate, low-pro-
file areas designed to maximize
the effectiveness of students’
grievances without causing a
publicity headache for the Uni-
versity.
“The lowered visibility of
these areas is a great compro-
mise,” Director of Communica-
tions Bob Howe said. “Not only
will this arrangement make our
job a little bit easier, it will also
help students be more effective
in their activist efforts by ensur-
ing that their voices are heard
where they matter the most.”
Under the plan, nicknamed
“Foursquare,” the administra-
tion will establish the free-
speech zones behind Loschert
Hall in front of the Office of
Residential Life, in McGinley
Center Room 234 inside the
Office of Student Leadership
and Community Development,
just inside Keating Room 101
within the Office of Student
Affairs and in the serving area
of the Ultimate Dining Market-
place.
“It just made sense to have
them there,” John Tully Gor-
don, FCRH ’10 said. “These are
the places that students have
the most complaints about. So,
if students have direct access to
the ears of the administrators
who make decisions that mat-
ter to them, our thought is that
these officials might perform a
little bit better.”
Most administrators polled
had generally positive respons-
es to the plan.
“If I had known that students
thought that the Housing Book-
let was an embarrassment, I
would have put a bit more time
into proofreading it and making
sure that it fully accurate,” Di-
rector of Housing Operations
Elizabeth Amico said. “Had
there been a Foursquare outside
ResLife when we were working
on this, the possibility of im-
mediate feedback from students
would probably have motivated
us to double our check our work
before disseminating it. In this
case it makes sense: if students
reread their work before sub-
mitting it, why shouldn’t we?”
Brian Poteat, general manager
of Sodexo at Fordham, agreed,
as well.
“Honestly, we find it some-
what difficult to keep up with
all the feedback we receive
about our services,” Poteat said.
“Frankly, I had no idea that we
are on the Princeton Review’s
list of worst food in the coun-
try until a student told me just
the other day. If Foursquare
had been approved earlier, it’s
very possible that we could
have remedied this several years
ago.”
Some other administration
officials expressed apprehen-
sion about having to play along
with Foursquare.
“I’m not sure if I have the
stamina or dexterity to deal with
Foursqure,” Assistant Dean of
Students Greer Jason, director
of the Office of Residential Life,
said. “Already I need to drive
across campus since I can’t walk
between Loschert and Keating,
and it already takes a great deal
of effort for me to not hit stu-
dents on the way there. With
all the students that are sure to
be in the Foursquare in front of
my office, my ability to naveg-
ate Fordham’s roads in my Audi
may be taxed beyond its limit.”
Vice President for Student
Affairs Jeffrey Gray also noted
that Foursquare might cause a
bit of a problem for his office,
as well.
“I like my hours,” Gray said.
“If I’m actually accountable to
somebody, I won’t be able to
continue my 6 p.m. to 11 p.m.
schedule with a nice break for
lunch. The thought of work
scares me.”
Not all students were recep-
tive to this, either. Haley Hemp,
FCRH ‘10, president of Stu-
dents for Fair Trade, expressed
concern that her views could
not be directly addressed by ad-
ministration officials.
“From my experience, these
people aren’t necessarily the
ones who can institute a price
floor above market equilib-
rium,” Hemp said. “On the
other hand, now I’ll have time
to actually read my economics
textbook about real ways to en-
courage growth in developing
countries.”
Under the plan, USG will
begin to work with adminsitra-
tors from Security starting this
spring in preparation for Four-
sqaure’s implementation in the
fall.
“Overall, this was a great
achievement for student leaders
at Fordham,” Assistant Dean Dr.
Jennifer Mussi, Ph.D., director
of the Office of Student Leader-
ship and Community Develop-
ment said. “Too bad it doesn’t
go both ways, or I’d personally
sponsor Ghostface Killah to lay
down some beats in my office
any day.