NEWS APRIL, 1 2010 • THE RAM • PAGE 5

Offices Celebrating Ram Staffer’s Graduation

Various Offices Around Fordham Rejoice at Rob Pergament’s Graduation and Retirement From the Ram Staff Because It Means Less Muckraking Articles
By LUCILLE WORRYWORT
YELLOW JOURNALIST
The Office of Student Leader-
ship and Community Development
will celebrate at a round table in
the Ultimate Dining Marketplace,
surrounded by Sodexo employees,
Athletics faculty and other Student
Affairs administrators on Saturday,
May 22.
The cause for celebration this day
is especially noteworthy: former
Ram news editor and muckracker-
in-chief Robert Pergament, FCRH
’10, will finally be graduating from
Fordham, much to the excitement
of his administrative adversaries.
“We are so glad to finally get that
kid off of our backs and go back to
the mediocrity Fordham prided it-
self on before Pergament arrived,”
Dr. Jennifer Mussi said, Ph. D., as-
sistant dean of OSL&CD, in an off-
the-record conversation. “We are
starting to plan the party already,
leaving our other less-important
projects like Spring Weekend and
Senior Week on the backburner, be-
cause we are just so excited for him
to be leaving.”
Pundit Pergament’s watchdog
ways made him many Fordham foes
over the years.
His unpopular campaign against
2008 Spring Weekend performer
Ghostface Killah, scrutiny of ex-
ecutive vice president of finance
Kathryn Carey’s, FCRH ’10, club
budgeting, economic analysis of So-
dexo’s shady swipe system, general
athletics program distaste and cru-
sade for budget and H1N1 trans-
parency sparked much controversy
at the University.
“I can’t even count the number of
times I had to meet with Jen [Mus-
si] and Chris [Rodgers, Dean of
students] to do damage control on
his stories,” Amanda Fiscina, FCRH
’10, and former Ram editor-in-chief,
said. “When we both sell our souls
10 years from now, when he’s the
new Chris and I’m the new Jen, he’ll
get his due.”
In September 2010, Caro-
line Whelan, a previous assistant
OSL&CD director of Commuter
Student Services, Meredith Crain, a
previous assistant OSL&CD direc-
tor of programming, Kelly Radoms-
ki, a previous assistant OSL&CD di-
rector for leadership and Commuter
Student Services and Charles Am-
erson, previous assistant OSL&CD
director of facilities, will return in
light of Pergament’s departure.
“I have no doubt he is one of the
main reasons for the high staff turn-
over rate in OSL&CD,” Mussi said.
“Just another reason we are so glad
to see him go.”
Not everyone at Fordham exhib-
ited such distaste for Pergament.
“I personally found nothing
wrong with him,” Pergament’s for-
mer Ram news partner Nick Thi-
bideau, FCRH `10, said. “As long as
he wrote most of the articles in the
section every single week, I really
could care less what he said.”
“I guess I have to like him since
we’re dating,” Emily Turek, FCRH
`10 and Rob’s long-time gal pal,
said. “But I’m obviously only dating
him for his looks.”
As for Pergament, he has finally
admitted the real reason behind his
editorial fury.
“I am an only child who gradu-
ated from Chaminade, what more
do you all expect?” Pergament said.
“I just craved attention, and looks
like I got it.”
“In all seriousness, I am actually
extremely proud of Rob and what
he has done for The Ram,” Fiscina
said. “His critical eye and unwilling-
ness to accept any news stories with
date ledes is what will one day earn
The Ram the respect absolutely no
one gives it now.”
All in all, Pergament is not the
monster the administration thinks
he is, just an arrogant idealist with a
sensitive side and love of literature,
bylines and, most surprisingly, his
college.
“I actually love Fordham more
than Father McShane, Bob Howe
and Jeff Gray put together and I just
wanted to leave it a better place than
when I came here,” Pergament said. STEPHEN MOCCIA/THE RAM
“I can only hope that I did.” A cake (and a neck) is cut during celebrations of Rob Pergament’s graduation.

Senior USG Students Finally Realize They Are Not All-Important

By Φονη ταις Μαθηταις
STAFF CYNIC
The Rose Hill Campus is ex-
periencing major changes after a
stunning string of events rocked
the McGinley Center. It started
March 4 when a golf cart outside
of McGinley was found with a
large orange boot because it had
illegally parked in front of a fire
hydrant. One of the Passantinos,
CBA ’10, (now apparently dis-
tinguishable because one has a
beard) rushed out of the build-
ing, shaking his fist at security,
screaming, “Do you have any
idea who I am? I’m Nick/An-
drew Passantino!”
The security guard responded,
“Who?” and Passantino, look-
ing crestfallen and confused,
went back into the building and
was, again, blown away when
OSL&CD refused to pay to have
the boot removed.
When questioned as to why
OSL&CD refused to hand over
the funds to pay for the removal
of the boot, Regina Fetterolf, as-
sistant director of programming,
said, “Umm, let me check.” Then
she reached into her drawer,
pulled out a planner and said,
“Oh yes, the Passantino twins
are no longer important.”
The trend continued in the
following weeks, much to the
confusion of the Rose Hill pop-
ulation. Patrick Scotti, FCRH
’10, vice president of student life
on USG, started carrying a nor-
mal school bag and John Tully
Gordon, FCRH ’10, executive
president of USG, came into the
cafeteria in nothing but a T-shirt
and jeans, apparently leaving
behind the not-so-well-tailored
suit and tie he normally dons
for the school day. USG meet-
ings were cut from their usual
three hours down to one and
they abandoned the pretentious
parliamentary proceedings that
had dominated the meetings in
the past.
The catalyst of the change
seems to come from Vice Presi-
dent of Student Life Jeffrey
Gray, who took time out of his
busy schedule to interview with
The Ram.
“You know, I used to be a hall
director,” he said. “I didn’t care if
I had a wife and a family to take
care of; I got to know my resi-
dents. I knew all of their names.
That’s what they should be do-
ing, these RAs, and they’re not.”
The Ram reminded Vice Pres-
ident Gray that this interview
was in regards to the changes in
OSL&CD and Jeff Gray said:
“Oh God. Yea. Them. Those
USG kids are the only people
on the campus more annoying
than the RAs. Change this. Fix
that. More money. New guest
pass policy. Can we meet? So af-
ter Mr. Tully Gordon asked for
his fifth interview of the week I
told him, ‘Listen John, you guys
on USG, you’re just not impor-
tant.’ Then, for the first time in
my career at Fordham, I imple-
mented serious policy changes.
I made sure that none of those
kids could have keys to the golf
carts any more. I told them to
stop acting like losers and get
out of the McGinley Center and
wander the campus like normal
students. And then I called a
meeting of the deans and told
them, ‘No more special privileg-
es for the USG kids.’ Normally
Joe McShane can’t stand affec-
tive policy change, but since
this was the sort of change that
silences student organizations, I
got a bonus! Can you believe it!
I’m going on a Caribbean cruise
this spring!”
Shortly after the booting of
the Passantino’s golf cart and
the shortening of the length of
USG meetings, the seniors on
USG, almost all of whom live in
Walsh, could no longer be seen
eating in the cafeteria. Part of
Gray’s policy change was that
students who live in Walsh actu-
ally utilize their kitchens.
There were also a series of re-
tractions from the students on
USG, most notably some of the
comments from John Tully Gor-
don ( JTG).
JTG recently retracted the
statement that USG is responsi-
ble for the influx of great speak-
ers on campus and, miraculously,
actually stopped talking about
the recent appearance of Mi-
chael Sulick, about whom no one
aside from USG students cared.
JTG also retracted his statement
that he was responsible for the
appearance of the H1N1 vaccine
in the Health Center.
“I guess you could just say I
got carried away,” Gordon said.
“Constantly wearing a suit and
constantly having people look at
you like you’re the Incarnation
gets to your head. I made the
mistake of believing that I mat-
tered and that anyone on this
campus actually cared about
what USG does. Things are dif-
ferent now.”
After delivering his com-
ments, Gordon went out to sit
on Eddies, rather than rush up
to the USG office in OSL&CD.
Not all of the USG seniors
have taken the changes so easily.
Vice President of Operations for
USG Ian Gaylets, CBA, ’10, who
now prefers to go by Mr. Lets,
was devastated.
“I never even got to change
the guest pass policy!” he said.
“I was sure that I wouldn’t grad-
uate here until I could bring
anyone in to the residence halls
whenever I wanted!”
Mr. Lets has since been sus-
pended for fighting with a night
guard who would not allow him
to bring in a friend without sign-
ing in.
Perhaps the most drastic
change occurred in Executive
Vice President of USG Michael
Recca, CBA ’10. Recca, known
for being staunchly right-wing
though oh-so-loyal-to-his-lib-
eral-friend-John, has grown his
hair long and wears dreads. He
was seen wearing an “Obama for
Change” shirt and even audi-
tioned, though unsuccessfully,
for the Vagina Monologues.
Recca declined to comment, but
his close friend and owner, Gor-
don, commented.
“Just after VP Gray’s an-
nouncement, Mike heard Frank
Zappa’s song Bobby Brown,” he
said. “He realized that that was
the inevitable course of his fu-
ture so he just sort of gave up.
He’s been voting Democrat and
hanging with Freddy ever since.”
The underclassmen who par-
ticipate in the United Student
Government are scared.
“If they tell me that I’m not im-
portant next year, I’ll have spent
all of those hours posing in front
of Keating for nothing,” Caitlin
Meyer, FCRH ’12, current vice
president of FCRH and aspiring
executive vice president, said.
Many other USG underclass-
men have gone into hiding, fear-
ing the revelation that they, too,
are unimportant.
Of course, while this change
has rocked the United Student
Government, it has, as disas-
trous storms often do, skipped
over the Residence Halls As-
sociation. RHA President Mike
Trerotola, CBA ’10, still has his
own golf cart and there seems to
be no attempt to take away his
keys.
Though most students on
campus do not know the differ-
ence between RHA and the RA
staff, Greer Jason, director of
residential life, said that she was
simply “too afraid” to take away
any of the power and influence
from the imposing St. Joe’s Prep
grad and his RHA cronies.
The Ram asked Trerotola what
he would do if someone were to
tell him that he and other mem-
bers of RHA weren’t important.
“If they kill me, I will rise
again in the Fordham Rose Hill
student body,” Trerotola said.
Trerotola may be confident
about the survival of the Resi-
dence Halls Association but
Dean of Students Christopher
Rodgers disagrees.
“It is only a matter of time,”
Dean Rodgers, standing confi-
dently in the alcove of the Keat-
ing steps, donning a wry smile
and a Fordham cap, said.
Until what? you may ask.
“Until students on this cam-
pus realize that they are nothing
but liabilities and deep pockets,”
he said. “When we’ve forced
them all to realize that, they’ll
keep their mouths shut and the
Maroon Square will become a
public gallows instead of a free-
speech zone.”