Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Volume II Edition XL

Christmas Conflict
By LeeAnn Rhoden

Tis the season for

holiday cheer and the inevitable holiday television
programming.
This
delights children who are
watching and the adults
who finally get a little
downtime.
This year, Charlie
Brown and his Christmas
special turned 50-years
old. It is the oldest running
television
with
the
exception of Rudolph the
Red-nosed Reindeer that
turns 51.
I have been on TV
longer than that blockhead. I dont know why
hes getting all the
attention, said Rudolph.
Rudolph is a special
reindeer and a true

inspiration for overcoming

his
handicap
and
becoming team-leader,
said Mr. Brown. I will
not apologize for being
recognized
for
my
contribution to the holiday
season. After all, we do
publically air scripture and
that is cutting edge these
days.
Frosty the Snowman,
however, is completely
overheated by the two
others. I am just a few
years younger, yet my
story is tragic! Their
stories end happily. Me? I
MELT! Every year! I
think that is much more
significant.
Frosty is considering
not coming to life again
next year until he is given
the appropriate acclaim.

Where is Mr. Elf?

By Snoop Cubby

With Christmas right

around the corner, I
attempted to reach out to a
rather famous celebrity for
an
interview.
Unfortunately,
I
was
unable to located Mr. Elf.
Famous for appearing in
random places around
homes, I went on a search
through my home, hoping
Id catch him. I started my
search
with
the
refrigerator. I found halfempty condiment bottles,
moldy bread and rotting
meat but Mr. Elf was
nowhere in sight. Then I
climbed around inside of
my attic. I found a
squirrels nest, presents I
purchased for various
family members ten years

ago, and a hornets nest.

While at the emergency
room, I noticed several
hospital volunteers dressed
as elves, but when
questioned, none of them
knew anything about Mr.
Elf or the location of his
shelf. I was released after
a 48-hour psychiatric hold
and sent on my way. If
anyone out there knows
where I can find Mr. Elf,
please tell me. All
correspondence can be
sent
to
sham_farce@pilcrowdagg
er.com

Man Assaults Frog

By A. Marie Silver

Eric
Erickson
of
Annapolis,
MD
was
arrested last Wednesday
evening
for
assault.
Neighbors heard his wife
screaming and her him
shouting, Im going to
kill you! Police arrived
with minutes of receiving
the call, taking immediate
action.
We banged on the
door, announcing our
presence, said Officer
Oliver.
We heard
screams coming from
inside of the house and
thats when we forced
entry into the residence.
Mrs. Erickson was
found standing on top of
the kitchen table, biting
her nails and screaming.
Mr. Erickson was found
with an axe in his hand.

Officer Oliver and his

partner tackled him to the
ground, forcibly removing
the axe from his grip.
When you respond to
a call of this nature,
Officer Oliver reported,
You never know what
youre going to walk
into.
That was certainly the
case for Officer Oliver and
his partner. Neither one of
them could have predicted
that all of the chaos was
caused by a frog who
entered the residence from
an open window in the
basement. Mr. Erickson
was taken into police
custody, initially, but after
collecting a statement
from his wife, was
released. No charges will
be filed against him.

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Weather

Index

Finally, it is beginning
to cool off. Some areas
have actually had snow
already. In the southern
states it has dipped into
the frigid 60s. Prepare for
the rapid descent into the
icy temperatures and the
winter solstice approaches.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, December 6, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XL

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

Jameis Winston, whom

this column has had riding
the bench all season long
in fantasy football purely
so he could step in and
play when our starting QB
was on his bye week,
threw for five touchdowns
and no interceptions in a
monster game that should
have
propelled
this
columns team to victory.
Sadly, this column traded
Jameis
Winston
for
another quarterback with
better potential who did
squat during our starting
quarterbacks bye week.
Why did we do that, you
might wonder? Because,
up until last week, Winston
had, himself, done squat.
This is just another in a
long line of ill-timed,

unlucky
moves
this
column had done over the
quarter century its played
fantasy football, and quite
frankly were tired of it.
Fie on fantasy football,
thats our motto.
In other sports, some
teams lost and some won,
in about even numbers.
We
werent
paying
attention, frankly because
we were so pissed at our
Jameis move.
Did you follow in the
footsteps of the Plymouth
colony and watch the
Lions play football on
Thursday?
Maybe we
could get the Redskins to
change their name to the
Gladiators. Wouldnt that
be a cool matchup every
Thanksgiving, the Lions
vs. the Gladiators?

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

This
weeks
entertainment news is just
as ridiculous as last
weeks, I think. Im
actually not sure, I havent
been paying attention.
Anywho, theres more
drama lurking about for the
Duggar family. Fox411 is
reporting that the oldest
Duggar child, Josh, is
being sued by a porn star
who claims the first time
she had consensual sex

with him, it was too rough.

He allegedly apologized
and later down the road,
they had sex again. It was
also too rough for the porn
star.
Reviews for the final
installment of the Hunger
Games movie is out and
critics are saying its too
violent for a young adult
flick. This makes me
wonder if they read the
books. It might have saved
them the cost of a movie
ticket.

Rants & Raves

Dear Fast Food Restaurant
#1,
You suck! I ask for a drink
with no ice, and I get 90%
ice
and
very
little
beverage. I ask for a large
cup with only ice
because my ice maker is
on the fritz and you give
me a large cup with 10%
ice and fill the rest with
water.

Dear Fast Food Restaurant

#2,
Thank you for your
fabulous customer service.
Even though it was an odd
request, you very willingly
sold me a large cup of only
ice, filled to the brim.
Your competitors down the
street could learn a thing or
two from you!

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

There are only 19

shopping days left before
Christmas. If you havent
already purchased your
familys
presents,
I
recommend you do it soon.
Year after year, I wait until
the very last minute to
purchase
Christmas
presents for my family.
Despite my best efforts,
the gifts I purchase never
go over well. Last year I
purchased
my
two
nephews matching tooth
brushes and winter green
tooth floss. They poured
sugar down my gas tank.
My brother received a
winter hat for Christmas
and I gave his wife the
matching pair of gloves
that had naked women
appear on them when
exposed
to
cold
temperatures. My sisterin-law whipped me in the
face with both gloves. Its
because of their reaction to
my gifts that I started my
holiday shopping in July,
selecting gifts that will go
over well. My nephews
are receiving light up
toothbrushes with dancing
Minions and my brother is
getting a water pick. His
wife is getting a gift card
to a hardware store. Im
sure shell love it.

Dear Mr. Farce,

Temperatures
in
Maryland
have
been
plummeting
at
night.
Fortunately, Im at home,
curled up under a warm
pile of insulation. But then
I stare outside and wonder:
What happened to Sandra
Squirrel? Is she warm at
night? Did PETA succeed
in getting her situated?
Please update your readers
with her status.
- Samuel Squirrel
Dear Mr. Farce,
This letter is in
reference to the article
printed
last
week,
regarding religion and
coffee. Seriously?
Are
there really people in this
world getting bent out of
shape over a stupid coffee
cup? If people want to get
riled up about something
offensive, maybe they
should start with the price
of the coffee.
- Caffeine Addict

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
For the last week Ive
been eating Thanksgiving
leftovers. Now Im out. What
should I fix for dinner
tonight?
Sincerely,
Lazy
Dear Lazy,
Ive said it before and Ill
say it again because
apparently I have to I
DONT COOK! This isnt a
food column.

Consult Pinterest. Order a

pizza. Quit asking me what to
do!
Dear Monica,
Every year, I buy my
husband socks and underwear
for Christmas. Any ideas on
what I should get him this
year?
Sincerely,
Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Suspenders?

Sunday, December 6, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XL

Classifieds
For Sale

Horoscope

Wanted

Personals

Crib mattress.
Basically new
except for the
yellow stains.
Will throw in
bleach.

A 22-year-old
computer tech
with 35 years of
work
experience.
Must be willing
to work for
minimum wage.
More hours in
the day and less
to do. Willing to
pay top dollar
for
each
additional hour.

S/W/F zombie
seeks
S/W/M
vampire. Must
sparkle in the
sunlight, recite
poetry
and
provide
tasty
brains.
S/M
seeking
wife.
Must
know how to
cook,
clean,
wash,
and
pamper me.

Hiring

Real Estate

Notices

Two-bedroom,
two-bathroom
colonial
style
home. Comes
with
all
amenities
including a dead
aunt.
2-car garage for
sale.
Includes
opener,
husbands
toys
and
husband.

Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for
the
February
2016 issue. The
theme
is
Leprechauns
and Love. No
erotica! What
happens
over
the
rainbow
stays over the
rainbow.

Dentures. Only
been used twice.
Missing
two
teeth.
Will
accept
best
offer.

Newspaper
seeking advice
columnist.
Persons
interested must
be willing to
give advice
Seeking someone
with
common sense
with whom to
have
a
conversation.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

You will find a spiritual

love.

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

You will dream of past

loves and loses.

May 21 June 20

Wine,
twinkle
lights,
dining al fresco. Maybe
even romance.

June 21 July 22

You may become bored

with the mundane.

July 23 Aug 22

Youll meet new people

and youll talk to them.

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

Sudoku

.
&

&

!
#

Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19

There will be a meeting at

your home tonight. Youre
not invited.
Exercise before going to
bed so you wont gain
weight while you sleep.
You will get a job as a
psychic. But you know that
already.
Get together with friends
and stop talking to
yourself.
Keep to yourself. If anyone
asks, tell them youre
meditating.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Other people will be more

important than you today.

Feb 19 March 20

You will get a job offer in

the healing arts. Youll
clean bedpans.

#
Cryptogram

?
*

Aug 23 Sept 22

Dagger

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

&

@ ?

&

& @

Be thankful for what you have; youll end up having

more. If you concentrate on what you dont have,
you will never, ever have enough.
- Oprah Winfrey

&
Answer in next weeks paper

Answer from last puzzle