Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Volume II Edition XLI

Silence Turns Violent

By LeeAnn Rhoden

A nearby town has

instituted a new law
preventing anyone from
speaking without a permit.
The purpose is to prevent
intentional - or unintentional - insults, hurt
feelings,
micro
aggressions, or bullying. If
someone needs to speak,
they will have to send an
email requesting a permit
from the town council
allowing them to talk out
loud.
Classes are being
taught with PowerPoint
presentations
depicting
only graphs, approved
vocabulary, and stick
figures as to not imply a
favored race, body type, or
age.
However, the use of

American Sign Language

(ASL) has been on the
rise.
"Parents
must
communicate with their
children," signed one
mother.
At first ASL was
approved. After all, you
don't have to look at
people and if you don't see
them signing insults then
you haven't been insulted.
And your feelings won't
be hurt.
In recent days the
increase
of
cruder
gesticulations has been
noted.
These
birdflippings and aggressive
hand signals and such
have sparked fist fights
and brawls - although
quiet ones.

Elf on the Shelf Arrested

By Snoop Cubby

It seems my attempt to
interview Mr. Elf has been
thwarted once again! Early
last week, Mr. Elf was
arrested at an Atlanta
home. He was later
charged with lewd and
lascivious
conduct.
Apparently,
a
young
couple returning home
from a vacation were
doing the deed when
Mr. Elf was spotted.
He was just sitting
there, said Justin Justine,
the homeowner. He was
on top of our bed frame,
staring down at us.
It was terrifying,
said Justine Justine. He
had this horrid smile on
his face. I was so
frightened I screamed.

Arrest Made in Meaty Assault

By A. Marie Silver

Word of Mr. Elfs

arrest
gained
local
attention, prompting other
victims to call the police
with their complaints.
He was standing
inside my shower, said
one witness.
I found him inside my
heat register, said another
witness.
Witnesses
also
reported seeing Mr. Elf
sitting in tree branches,
reportedly staring inside of
windows;
bedroom
closets, kitchen cabinets
and one woman reportedly
found him inside her
lingerie drawer.
With all of these
questions, Im left asking,
is this the end of Mr. Elf
on the Shelf?

Police in Baltimore,
MD were up to their ears
in raw meat last week,
telling reporters that this
was one of the weirdest
cases theyve encountered
in over 30 years.
With the Christmas
holiday fast approaching,
various animal rights
organizations have been
taking the opportunity to
protest
turkey
farms.
Many of these peaceful
protestors gathered outside
of large grocery chains,
pleading with customers
not to buy turkey for their
Christmas meal.
I dont cook, said
Milley
Malley.
My
Christmas meals have
always
been
takeout
Chinese. Nothing says the
holidays like shrimp fried
rice.
What do they expect
us to feed our families,
said Winnie Poohridge.
Im hosting a dinner party
for
fifteen
family
members.
Im
not
changing tradition because
these idiots have a bird up
their butt!
Ms. Poohridge wasnt
the only person who felt
this way.

Tyler Caesar, a 20year-old college student

was arrested by police
after throwing frozen
turkeys
and
raw
hamburger meat at the
protestors. Three of the
protestors suffered injuries
from being struck by the
flying, frozen birds that
included a broken nose, a
concussion, and a swollen
foot.
Were a group of
peaceful protestors, said
Organizer Hailey Hunter.
We were chanting and
marching and passing out
flyers on the abuse these
poor birds suffer because
of consumer demand. His
behavior was out of line.
Mr.
Tyler
was
contacted by P&D press
but
his
attorney
intercepted the phone call
before we could get a
statement.
My client is under a
tremendous amount of
stress
with
finals
approaching,
said
Attorney Larry Lawyer.
We plan to enter a plea of
not guilty by reason of
temporary insanity. An
arraignment has been
scheduled for early next
week.

Weather

Index

It's the time of year

that we in the northern
hemisphere begin to see
snow. Some of it is real.
Some of it is shaved ice
sprayed onto the sides of
mountains or put into piles
for kids to play in. If you
see snow just stay inside.

More News.............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor...............
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Sports......................Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, December 13, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XLI

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

This
column
was
thinking about Rhonda
Rousey and her KO loss in
November that cost her
championship. Dont ask
this column what the
championship was about,
all it knows is that it has
something to do with two
women beating the heck
out
of
each
other.
Something like boxing,
only more brutal is how we
understand it. It brought to
mind an episode in our
junior high school days
when two girls were
fighting and one reached
over and pulled the
earrings out of the other
girls ears.
A very
heartfelt and bloodcurdling
scream accompanied this

action, as well as a lot of

blood. It was an awesome
moment to a junior high
school sports column.
The moral of all
this is that Rhonda Rousey
should have pulled her
opponents earrings out.
Maybe they could come up
with
a
new
sport,
something like the Junior
High School Playground
Fighting League. The only
rules would be concerning
the degree of permanent
injury that could be done
to your opponent. Earring
pulling would be a one
point deduction while
stabbing someone would
be a ten point deduction.
Speaking
of
junior high school sports,
what was the point of
tetherball?

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

Stars
Wars
fans
everywhere are getting
psyched up for the release
of the seventh installment
of the saga later this week.
Some fans are going so far
as to order light sabers and
long cloaks from Amazon
so they can dress just like
their favorite characters for
the release night. Then
there are others getting
ready for a far more
serious battle the box

office battle. Who will win

the week out? Will it be a
much
older
Luke
Skywalker and Hans Solo?
Or will Katniss Everdeen
take the lead? Its hard to
say, really. If I cared
trust me, I dont Id bet
on Ms. Everdeen to bring
home the gold. After all, a
light saber is only good
close range. An archer can
cause damage from a
distance. Hunger Games is
going to win. Just wait.

Rants & Raves

To the woman in Wal-Mart
- All the bags of bows are
the same. THE SAME!
Quit fondling all the bags
and MOVE YOUR CART!
To my dog's vet - I am not
a bad doggie owner. I am
realistic. He is old, not
sick. You can't cure old.
He doesn't need an MRI.
He needs an aspirin.

To guy driving behind meIll get off my cell phone

when you get off my rear!
To all the people on
Facebook bragging about
how
awesome
their
boyfriends are - QUIT IT!
Some of us dont like
being reminded that we
dont
have
lives...or
significant others!

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

With the holidays

approaching we must keep
in mind several things.
First,
recognize
the
dangers of some of holiday
decor - candles, mistletoe,
poinsettias, electrical cords
and
extension
cords,
glitter,
and
glass
ornaments. These things
can be toxic or cause fires
or even lacerations.
Second, there is the
danger of over eating and
knocking out of whack
your
cholesterol,
triglycerides, and blood
sugar. No to mention your
waist line. Don't over
indulge. Remember that a
glass of wine serves as
both a serving of fruit or
dessert.
Finally, the gift giving
doesn't need to bankrupt
us. No matter how we'd
like to give to every
charity or waif we cannot.
Be selective with your
giving. Even with your
own offspring. By giving
too much stuff, your child
will become spoiled and
that promotes tantrums and
tantrums are noise.
So, no decorations, no
food just wine, no noisy
children. Let's all have a
happy holiday season.

Dear Mr. Farce,

I realize that the
holidays are approaching
but I'm disturbed by the
missing elf. Two years ago
we purchased an Elf on the
Shelf thinking it would be
great fun for our toddler to
think that there was
someone spying on him for
Santa
Claus.
Every
evening I'd move it and
every morning my son
would scream. He began
having night terrors. I put
it away and didn't bring it
out last year. This year, I
couldn't find it. The fact
that Mr. Cubby could not
find his Elf on the Shelf is
concerning. Do you think
the elves really do move?
Are they gathering for
some nefarious purpose?
- Myrna Bird
Dear Mr. Farce,
This letter is in
reference to the article
written about the waging
war between Frosty the
Snowman, Charlie Brown
and Rudolf. All three of
them need to get over
themselves.
Their
animations, theyre not
real! Some of us in T.V.
land have real problems,
like being stuck in
Whoville. Id trade places
with Frosty in a second to
escape this Hell!
Sincerely,
Gretta Grinch

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
Christmas is coming and I
have no idea what to get my
children for Christmas. They
have toys they don't play with
as it is. What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Frazzled Mommy
Dear Frazzled,
Wrap up the toys they
don't play with. They won't
know the difference.

Dear Monica,
Has
anyone
ever
compared you to Scrooge?
Youre nasty, just like him.
Sincerely,
Tiny Tim.
Dear Tiny Tim,
Watch the movie. Scrooge
changes. I wont. Ever.
Bah humbug!

Sunday, December 13, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XLI

Classifieds

Horoscope

For Sale
For sale - gently
used towels and
wash
cloths.
Clean but have
age
discoloration. Best offer.

Wanted
Seeking
experienced
mind-reader to
interpret
my
husband's hints
and subtleties.

Personals

All the junk

food in the
house. Can't lose
weight if it stays
in the house.

Magic powers
allowing me to
twitch my nose
and
have
everything done
perfectly.

S/M seeking S/F

to
do
my
laundry
and
cook meals. I'm
dirty
and
hungry.

Hiring
Seeking mature
employee with
diverse
and
interesting
experience. Will
pay top dollar.

Real Estate
Studio apt 300 sq
ft
for
rent
downtown NYC.
Overlooks
industrial area.
95K

Big
Bucks!
Outside
sales
commission
only. Must use
own car and be
willing to travel.

Subdividing
acre lot. 1/3
parcel available.
Will have to
share driveway
and utilities.

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for
the
February
issue. The theme
is Leprechauns
and Love. We
accept
nonfiction but
no
erotica
please.

M/F seeks F/M

same because in
the long run it
doesn't matter.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

Interrobang

May 21 June 20

Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

Sudoku

&

* @

&

&

&

? @

? @ #

&

@ ?

&

& @

&

&

@ #

Answer from last weeks paper

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

&

Dagger

You have lots of ideas.

Some will work some
won't.
Weird dreams and poor
sleep keep you up. At least
eat right.
You need a break from
people. Get out of the
house alone.

June 21 July 22

You feel inspired but have

lots of nay-sayers around.

July 23 Aug 22

Help with a creative project

comes from an unexpected
person.

Aug 23 Sept 22

You will host a group in

your home.

Sept 23 Oct 22

A miscommunication will
cause stress and undo
turmoil.

Oct 23 Nov 21

New computer tricks lead

you down a new path.

Nov 22 Dec 21

You have lots on your

mind. Walk it off or have a
drink before bed.

Dec 22 Jan 19

The occult grabs

attention this week.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Your creative friends will

help you with a major
project.

Feb 19 March 20

Don't trust anyone today.

Just keep to yourself.

Cryptogram

MQB SFMFJB CBTBJ DFVM

QHLLBCBP. ZM UHV GJBHMBP.
- UZYY HCP HJZBY PFJHCM
Hint: Q = H
Answer in next week's paper

your