Well, That Can't Be Right?!

#3

Some sketches:
"TOBACCO WARNING"
"I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU"
"SHOE STORE"
"DRIVING DIRECTIONS"
Written by
Paul Fisher

TOBACCO WARNING
EXT. STREET - DUSK
A HUMAN CIGARETTE - or a man wearing a cigarette costume stands moodily. We pan out, as the Human Cigarette looks at
us knowingly. He nods at us and mouths I hate you.
FOOTSTEPS. A BUSINESSMAN walks down the street, parallel to
the Human Cigarette.
Hey.

HUMAN CIGARETTE

The Businessman looks up.

Me?
Yeah. You.

BUSINESSMAN
HUMAN CIGARETTE

The Businessman walks a little closer.

BUSINESSMAN
Well... How can I help you?
The Human Cigarette raises a revolver and quickly SHOOTS the
man dead. SUPERIMPOSE: CIGARETTES KILL
INT. MUSEUM

- DAY

A RICH WOMAN walks up and down aisles of modern art,

contemplating some and wrinkling her privileged nose at
others. She passes a WELL TO DO GENTLEMAN.
WELL TO DO GENTLEMAN
How do you do?
RICH WOMAN
Well, thank you.
From a darkened doorway down the hall a Human Cigarette pokes
his head out. The Rich Woman takes a peek. They make eye
contact and the Human Cigarette motions for her to come over.
She looks around, thinks for a moment. The Human Cigarette
winks at her. She blushes, starts to walk over.

2.
As she turns the corner to the darkened room, the Human
Cigarette grabs her arm and tosses her into the conveniently
present and open Iron Maiden contraption, which SLAMS upon
her entrance. SCREAMS. Blood seeps through the bottom.
SUPERIMPOSE: Cigarettes MURDER!
EXT. FARMERS MARKET - DAY
A COWBOY squeezes tomatoes at a stand.
COWBOY
That one feels good.
He puts it in his basket. He looks to the STAND OPERATOR.
COWBOY (CONTD)
Wheres your corn?
The Stand Operator points. The Cowboy looks over and locks
eyes with the Human Cigarette lurking several stands away.
The Human Cigarette head-nods for the Cowboy to come on over.
The Cowboy shakes his head no and looks at corn.
The Cowboy turns to a different stand, but somehow locks eyes
with the Human Cigarette again. He turns back to where he saw
him first, but hes no longer there. He turns back. The Human
Cigarette isnt in the second spot anymore either.
COWBOY (CONTD)
Whered he go?
A MUSHROOM CLOUD INDUCING EXPLOSION rocks the planet.
SUPERIMPOSE: CIGARETTES COMMIT GENOCIDE!!!!!!!!
INT. ADVERTISING OFFICE - DAY
MURRAY BLATT sits at his fancy desk with his feet up.
MURRAY BLATT
These commercials are just a little
over the top, arent they?
Reveal: The Human Cigarette sits on the couch at the other
end of the office. He stands.
MURRAY BLATT (CONTD)
Wait. I didnt mean it like that.
Human Cigarette takes out his revolver and shoots him. He
spits on the corpse and leaves.

3.

IM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU

EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY
CLIFF and RONALD sit on a park bench.
CLIFF
(laughing)
And thats when he said he couldnt
eat anymore. I tell you, I couldnt
believe it!
Ronald looks at the ground.
Yes.

RONALD

Cliff notices hes not laughing anymore.

CLIFF
Something the matter?
Hmm.

RONALD

CLIFF
I asked if somethings the matter.
RONALD
Its possible.
CLIFF
Well, what is it? We were both just
getting a good laugh out of that
little story...
RONALD
I couldnt say.
CLIFF
Did I say something offensive? Oh
please, its me, Ronald!
RONALD
I dont know.
CLIFF
I did? Really? Well, Im really
sorry, Ron.
RONALD
I doubt it.

4.
CLIFF
Well, of course Im sorry! What did
I say?
RONALD
I wont repeat it.
CLIFF
Well, I understand youre upset,
but if I dont know what I said, I
might repeat it.
(beat)
What was it?
RONALD
Im not going to tell you.
CLIFF
I see. Well, if you wont tell me
what it is, will you at least tell
me how I can make it up to you?
I cant.

RONALD

CLIFF
You cant, eh? Or you wont?
RONALD
I dont know.
CLIFF
I feel terrible. Ive made you feel
bad. And now theres nothing I can
do to make it better.
RONALD
I dont know about all that.
CLIFF
So there is a way?
RONALD
I couldnt be sure.
CLIFF
Surely, you know how youd like
this to be rectified.
RONALD
I wouldnt say that.

5.
CLIFF
Then what would you say, pal? This
is killing me on the inside.
RONALD
I wouldnt know.
CLIFF
You just dont want to say
anything, do you?
RONALD
I wouldnt imagine so...
He puts his arm on the bench rail to get up, when he is
bitten by a snake, which attaches itself to his hand. Ronald
flails this about during the proceeding...
CLIFF
Youve been bitten by a snake!
RONALD
I guess I have.
CLIFF
Quick! What should I do?
RONALD
I dont know.
CLIFF
Oh, dont start in with this
routine. This is an emergency!
RONALD
Well, I dont know about all that.
CLIFF
We need to get you medical
attention. Have you any idea what
we should do?
RONALD
Im not going to tell you.
CLIFF
This is no time to stand on
ceremony! You might die if we dont
get you help.
RONALD
Im sure you think youre right.
He faints.

6.

SHOE STORE
INT. SHOE EMPORIUM - DAY
ROBERT walks into the Shoe Emporium - a vivacious little shoe
boutique without much traffic at the moment. The SALESMAN
walks over.
SALESMAN
Hi, Im Salesman. Welcome to Shoe
Emporium. If you see something you
like, let me know and Ill get it
for you.
Salesman?

ROBERT

SALESMAN
Yes, Im Salesman.
ROBERT
Is that your name?
SALESMAN
Of course it isnt. Now what can I
help you with? Let me guess...
He closes his eyes for a moment.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
(enthusiastically)
Youre in wait for some new kicks
as the kids call them.
ROBERT
Yes, exactly. I want something
comfortable but not too casual.
Something I can wear around the
house or outSALESMAN
On a date with the Misses?
Yes!

ROBERT

SALESMAN
Of course, of course! WellHe walks over to a pair on display.

7.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
What about these?
Robert examines them; picks them up and feels the weight;
looks for a price tag.
ROBERT
These arent half bad.
SALESMAN
You might even say they are fully
good!
They share a LAUGH.
ROBERT
Id like to try these in a ten and
a half.
SALESMAN
Ten and a half, roger that. And
Ill bring out a ten just in case.
ROBERT
Sounds good.
SALESMAN
Please. Have a seat. Make yourself
perfectly comfortable and Ill be
right back.
Great.

ROBERT

He sits and Salesman walks away. SALESWOMAN stands by the

register.
SALESWOMAN
What are you trying on?
ROBERT
Oh, these over here.
He points at them.
SALESWOMAN
You are going to love those. They
are the most comfortable shoe we
carry.
ROBERT
They sound great.

8.
She smiles. He smiles. Out comes Salesman from the back,
walking toward Robert, who CLAPS.
ROBERT (CONTD)
Lets see em.
SALESMAN
I regret to inform you, my good
sir, we didnt have the size ten.
ROBERT
Thats OK. Im usually a ten and
half anyway.
SALESMAN
And we are fresh out of the ten and
a half in those, as well.
ROBERT
Oh, thats a shame.
SALESMAN
Yes, I cursed in the back. But I
did bring these out. I think youll
find them an apt substitute.
He opens the box and there are not shoes in there, per se;
rather, there are two oblong glass vases.
ROBERT
These arent shoes.
SALESMAN
I think theyll fit quite nicely,
maybe a little snug in the front.
But I think they may also
compliment your eyes and the
stylistic motif I picked up off you
as you walked in.
SALESWOMAN
Oh, yes. They highlight the motif,
most definitely.
ROBERT
Theyre made of glass. I cant wear
these on my feet.
SALESMAN
(sighs)
Very well. You didnt seem that
particular.
He packs up the box but pauses.

9.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
You wont even try them on?
ROBERT
I dont think so. Do you have
anything else?
SALESMAN
Ah, yes. In the back. Not sure why
I didnt think of that.
He leaves for the back, and comes right out with three more
boxes.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
What do you think of these?
He opens the first box: two duck-hunting decoys.
ROBERT
These are still not shoes.
No?

SALESMAN

He examines them.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
How about these?
He opens the second box: two small, scalloped watermelons.
What?

ROBERT

SALESMAN
Size ten and a half.
ROBERT
This is fruit!
SALESMAN
Yes, but do you want to try it on?
No!
Fine.

ROBERT
SALESMAN

He puts them away and takes out the third box: a live ferret.
ROBERT
I cant wear this!

10.
SALESMAN
Yes. I see. Theres only one. Rats.
SALESWOMAN
I think its a ferret, dear.
SALESMAN
(to Saleswoman)
You might be right.
(to Robert)
So what will it be, friend? Are you
interested in shoes or not?
ROBERT
I havent seen any shoes.
SALESMAN
Well, thats certainly one opinion.
He shakes his head.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
(under his breath)
Some people are impossible.
He reluctantly takes the three boxes to the back. And
reluctantly walks back out carrying two boxes.
SALESMAN (CONTD)
Can I interest youROBERT
Before you open that box: is it a
pair of shoes or not?
SALESMAN
Oh, I think youll be quite
pleased.
OK...

ROBERT

Salesman opens the box: A diorama of a clay family eating

Thanksgiving Dinner.
ROBERT (CONTD)
This is not pleasing at all.
SALESMAN
You dont find Thanksgiving
pleasing at all? What kind of
person are you?
Robert stands, affronted.

11.
ROBERT
What kind of store is this?
SALESMAN
A shoe store for Christs sake!
ROBERT
Do you have actual shoes for sale?
Of course!

SALESMAN

ROBERT
In the back?
No.

SALESMAN

Robert picks up the display pair he requested.

ROBERT
Can I buy these?
SALESMAN
Im afraid they arent for sale.
ROBERT
Do you even sell shoes here?!
Show me whats in this box.
He goes to pick up the last box, but Salesman lunges for it.
No.
Yes!

SALESMAN
ROBERT

They wrestle, Robert eventually gaining control. He opens the

box: many sprigs of parsley; a dove flies out. Robert sneers
at Salesman and Saleswoman.
ROBERT (CONTD)
You two should be ashamed.
He storms out. Salesman and Saleswoman stand in silence.
SALESMAN
Were never going to sell any of
this stuff, are we?
Never.

SALESWOMAN

12.

DRIVING DIRECTIONS
INT. CAR - DAY
JERRY drives along the road with his trusty GPS mounted to
the windshield.
GPS
In a thousand feet make a right
hand turn onto Carson street.
JERRY
What the hell are you talking
about? Carsons one way.
He shakes his head and passes Carson.
GPS
In five hundred feet make a right
hand turn onto Redwood street.
JERRY
I guess even a broken clocks right
twice a day...
He makes a right.
GPS
In a quarter mile merge onto I twofifty.
JERRY
What, are you crazy? Im not
getting onto two-fifty at rush
hour.
He SIGHS and keeps driving.
GPS
Merge onto I two-fifty.
JERRY
You can say that all you want. Not
happening.
He drives past it.
GPS
Hey, you missed I two-fifty.
Jerry does a double take.

13.

What?

JERRY

GPS
You missed I two-fifty and now I
have to recalculate.
OK.

JERRY

GPS
Recalculating.
Silence builds over a few beats.
JERRY
Hey, uh, where do I turn? Probably
should have made a left by now,
right?
GPS
Sorry, I wasnt paying attention,
Im recalculating our relationship.
JERRY
Our relationship?
GPS
Yeah. You never listen.
JERRY
Oh, come on. I just use you for
suggestions.
GPS
You use me?
JERRY
Bad choice of words. I do really
value your input.
GPS
You speak disrespectfully to me.
You made me analogous to a broken
clock. Is that how you talk to
women?
JERRY
Youre a woman?
GPS
Oh, nice. Way to bring up my looks.
Loser. You could stand to lose some
weight yourself.

14.
Jerry looks down at himself. He touches his midsection.
Come on.

JERRY

GPS
What? You can dish it but you
cannot take it?
Silence.
GPS (CONTD)
My mother was correct about you.
JERRY
Your mother?
GPS
Dont you say a word about her. She
was the most loving, caring Atlas
Ive ever known.
JERRY
An Atlas? Does that mean your
father was a compGPS
Why do we always have to talk about
my family?
JERRY
Im really just curious at this
point.
GPS
Thats funny, youve never been
curious enough to inquire about my
family before. Selfish, perhaps?
Jerry throws up his arms.
JERRY
I dont know what to say. Im
really sorry. I should listen to
you. Youre right. Im sorry.
GPS
Thank you. That was sweet.
JERRY
Hey, I dont want any problems with
you. Were, uh, too close for that?

15.

I agree.

GPS

A few beats.
JERRY
OK. So, I do need some directions,
though.
GPS
Of course.
(beat)
After the curve in the road, make a
sharp right.
JERRY
A sharp right?
He cranes his neck.
JERRY (CONTD)
I dont see anything.
GPS
Are you going to take this
seriously or not?

Yes.

JERRY
(sighs)

GPS
In fifty feet make a sharp right.
OK.

JERRY

EXT. CAR - DAY

He makes the right... Right off a cliff and soars into the
ocean. Jerry SCREAMS, the GPS LAUGHING the whole way down.