Computer Love

A man learns more than he expected to

about real life from his robot double.
FADE IN:

INT. ROBIOTICS RESEARCH LAB -- DAY

The Research and Development laboratory of Robiotics, Inc is

occupied by STEPHEN BOHR, early 30s, and VIKRAM BHATT, also
early 30s. They are both nerdy, but potentially good looking
in a different setting. Various robotic assemblies are
scattered about the lab. C3PO and R2D2 would feel right at
home. Stephen and Vikram are playing THREE DIMENSIONAL CHESS,
using REMOTE CONTROLLED ROBOTIC ARMS to move the pieces.

VIKRAM
Have you played the new Star Wars
game?

STEPHEN
Vik, you know I don’t engage in
anything that has to do with Star
Wars.

VIKRAM
I don’t know why you’re so stubborn
with that. The Star Wars games are
so much more fun than any of the
Star Trek games.

STEPHEN
You don’t know why? How about the
fact that George Lucas doesn’t
understand the continuity of his
own creation and isn’t fit to carry
Gene Roddenberry’s boots?

VIKRAM
Fair enough, but didn’t Captain
Archer and the crew of Enterprise
use more advanced technology than
Kirk and company? And there was
that whole thing with the Borg with
the crashed remains from First
Contact...

STEPHEN
You watched that?

VIKRAM
Of course I did. I like both the
Wars and Treks of the Stars.

STEPHEN
I don’t see how a fan of one can
like the other.
 2.

VIKRAM
You’re so robotic. If-then, follow
program. You’re just like all these
machines that we work with.

Stephen chooses not to respond to this.

VIKRAM (CONT’D)
And Star Wars has more robots than
Trek.

STEPHEN
Please, a walking trash can that
beeps is not a robot. And what
about the Borg?

VIKRAM
Not really robots. Cybernetic
organisms. Blend of man and
machine.

STEPHEN
Damn it.

Stephen moves a piece and Vikram makes a quick move in

response.

VIKRAM
Checkmate.

STEPHEN
Double damn it!

VIKRAM
Dude, you suck at this game. What
is that now, Vik 12, Steve 0?

STEPHEN
Who’s keeping score?

Vikram walks to a section of the whiteboard and adds another

tally mark underneath his name. There are no tally marks
under Stephen’s name. Vikram pulls a joint out of a drawer
and lights it before taking a big puff.

VIKRAM
I wasn’t even high this time. But
don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll get me
one of these days.

STEPHEN
What are you doing? You can’t smoke
in here.
 3.

VIKRAM
Sure I can. I disabled the smoke
detectors. And you know no one
comes down here anyway. We could
engage in some heavy butt love and
no one would ever know.

MARIE (O.S.)
That is something I would pay to
see.

Stephen and Vikram turn to see MARIE KAHARI, late 20s,

standing in the doorway. She is pretty, and compared to our
previous pair, she looks like a professional scientist. As
she enters the lab, Stephen’s face lights up briefly and then
he shyly turns away to a computer screen, pretending to be
hard at work.

VIKRAM
Come on Marie, you and gay sex? I
thought you love the cock.

MARIE
I do. But don’t you like watching
lesbians?

Upon hearing the word, Vikram’s face glazes over, lost in

thought over what Marie has just said.

MARIE (CONT’D)
It’s the same for us. We think gay
men are hot.

VIKRAM
(snapping out of it)
I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you.

MARIE
Pervert.

Vikram passes the joint in Marie’s direction.

VIKRAM
It takes one to know one. Want a
hit?

MARIE
I can’t. I have a meeting in an
hour. You shouldn’t be smoking
either. You two are supposed to be
at the meeting.
 4.

VIKRAM
Please. I go to every meeting high.
I don’t know how I’d survive them
otherwise. What brings you down
here?

MARIE
I came for Stephen’s analysis of
the bug report on the VX-420 unit.
I need it for my presentation.

Stephen hurriedly gets up. He snatches a report off his desk

and brings it over to Marie quickly.

STEPHEN
I have it right here.

MARIE
Thank you, Stephen.

STEPHEN
It was no problem. I finished
shortly after you sent it down.

They look at each other shyly. There is an obvious block of

ice between them that needs to be broken.

MARIE
Stephen?

STEPHEN
Yes, Marie?

MARIE
Can I have the report?

Snapping out of his trance, he realizes that he is still

holding one end of it. He lets go.

STEPHEN
Oh. Of course.

She smiles and turns to leave.

MARIE
I’ll see you guys at the meeting.
Don’t be late. I don’t want you
interrupting my presentation. And
thanks again for this, Stephen.

Stephen mumbles something unintelligible as she leaves.

 5.

VIKRAM
(yelling)
Wear something sexy!

MARIE
(yelling back)
Keep dreaming!

VIKRAM
(yelling)
I will!

He sits down at Stephen’s desk, alternating between putting

his legs up on the table and swiveling around in the chair.

VIKRAM (CONT’D)
So when are you going to nut up and
let her know you’re interested?

STEPHEN
I’m....working on it.

VIKRAM
For two years? You’ve had eyes for
her since she started working here.
It’s obvious she likes you too. She
didn’t have to come down here for
that report. You could have e-
mailed it.

STEPHEN
I told you. I’m working on it. And
stop doing that. You’re going to
fall.

VIKRAM
Okay, dad.

As he says this, he leans back too far and lets out a SCREAM
as he FALLS. Stephen runs over to help him up, but as Vikram
grabs hold of the desk to prop himself up, he pushes a random
combination of buttons, causing a SECRET PANEL to open up on
the wall.

STEPHEN
Are you okay?

VIKRAM
(groggy)
I’m fine, but what the hell is
that?!
 6.

A glass chamber has come forth from the panel. Inside is what
appears to an exact replica of Stephen, but it is in fact
ROBOSTEVE.

STEPHEN
Shit, you weren’t supposed to see
that.

VIKRAM
Dude, what the hell? Why is there a
body in there that looks just like
you?

STEPHEN
It’s not a body. It’s... a robot.
Well, cyborg technically.

VIKRAM
You made this? On purpose?

STEPHEN
Yeah. I’ve been working on it after
hours for a couple years now.

Vikram walks up to the chamber, gawking.

VIKRAM
But why?

STEPHEN
It’s like you said earlier. I’m
pretty robotic. I accept that. So I
created this. I finished the actual
unit a while ago. I’ve spent the
last few months programming it to
be suave and cool, everything I’m
not.

VIKRAM
Did you somehow do this for Marie?

A beat.

VIKRAM (CONT’D)
You did, didn’t you? Dude, why
didn’t just make a robot version of
Marie? You could have, you know...

STEPHEN
Please, Vik. Having sex with a
robot is not nearly as cool as it
sounds.
(MORE)
 7.

STEPHEN (CONT'D)
The body temperature isn’t right
and it doesn’t feel the way it
would with an actual human.

VIKRAM
You sound way too knowledgeable
about that.

A beat. A very awkward beat.

STEPHEN
I’m a scientist. Besides, I don’t
want to pretend to be with her. I
want to be with her.

VIKRAM
But she’s supposed to believe that
this is you? Isn’t that tricking
her into pretending?

STEPHEN
No, I’m just going to let the robot
win her over, and then after it’s
done so, I’ll deactivate it and
step in.

VIKRAM
You’re forgetting one thing though.
After you do that, you’ll still be
Boring Real Steve, not Cool Robo-
Steve.

STEPHEN
Well I’m hoping to have learned to
emulate its behavior by then.

VIKRAM
Let me get this straight. To win
over the girl of your dreams, you
built a cool robot version of
yourself to do the work for you,
instead of just learning how to be
cooler?

STEPHEN
Yeah. Pretty much.

VIKRAM
You really know nothing about
people, do you?

STEPHEN
We have to play to our strengths.
 8.

VIKRAM
So this thing is fully working?
You’ve tested it out and
everything? What did you use to
program the behavioral algorithms?

STEPHEN
A lot of Johnny Depp and David
Caruso movies.

VIKRAM
And it looks anatomically correct.
But there’s no way your junk is
really that big.

STEPHEN
Poetic license.

VIKRAM
Well fire him up! I want to see how
it works.

STEPHEN
Not right now. We have to head up
for Marie’s meeting.

VIKRAM
Just for a few minutes. Just show
me how it works and then we can go.

STEPHEN
Okay, but just a few minutes.

Stephen enters some key commands into the computer. The glass
chamber opens and RoboSteve’s eyes open. The restraints that
were holding it down come undone and it steps out of the
chamber.

VIKRAM
I just had an idea.

STEPHEN
What is it?

Vikram strikes Stephen on the back of the head with a snow

globe from the desk. Stephen crumples in a heap in his chair.

VIKRAM
Field test.

CUT TO:
 9.

INT. ROBIOTICS CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Marie is winding down her presentation to a roomful of her

scientist coworkers. She is painfully aware that two seats,
reserved for Stephen and Vikram, are EMPTY.

MARIE
--and based on the analysis report
given to me by Dr. Bohr, it is my
belief that the bugs in the
software are easily correctable and
that VX-420 will be ready for
production within two months.

Marie’s BOSS stands up from her seat.

BOSS
Thank you, Dr. Kahari. Your
findings have been tremendously
helpful. If there’s nothing else, I
call for an end to this meeting.

The meeting adjourns and everyone gets up to leave. Marie

shoots another look at the empty seats that were meant for
Stephen and Vikram and leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. ROBIOTICS RESEARCH LAB - DAY

RoboSteve is still standing where it was, now wearing

Stephen’s clothes. Vikram drags a NAKED Stephen from the desk
to the secret compartment.

INT. SECRET COMPARTMENT - DAY

VIKRAM
You need to lose some weight also.

He hears someone coming. Panicking, he hits a switch on the

inside of the compartment. The wall slides back into place.
To his delight, he finds that the wall is actually a two way
mirror. He sees Marie come inside.
 10.

INT. ROBIOTICS RESEARCH LAB - DAY

MARIE
Stephen? Vikram? You guys better
have a good reason for missing the
meeting--

She stops when she sees RoboSteve standing by the wall

awkwardly.

MARIE (CONT’D)
Stephen? I didn’t see you there.
Where’s Vikram?

RoboSteve doesn’t say anything. He appears to be scanning

Marie with his visual sensors.

MARIE (CONT’D)
Stephen? Are you okay?

ROBOSTEVE
The only rules that matter are
these: what a man can do and what a
man can’t do.

INT. SECRET COMPARTMENT - DAY

Vikram quietly groans to himself and looks at the unconscious

Stephen on the floor.

VIKRAM
(whispering)
Chocolat, not Pirates!

RoboSteve comes to life, making his way over to Marie. Vikram

is impressed with Stephen’s handiwork, as it moves just like
a human would, albeit with a little more confidence than
Stephen normally possesses. He finds that RoboSteve has moved
out of earshot, but he can see it interacting with Marie in a
much more lively manner than he has ever seen with Stephen.
His eyes go wide and she sees her laughing and flirting with
Stephen’s creation. His jaw drops as RoboSteve leans in to
kiss her. This isn’t just some peck on the lips. This is the
kind of kiss that causes earthquakes. Marie steps back, light
headed from what has just happened. Vikram sits down as well,
appearing to have been affected in the same way. Marie says
something to RoboSteve, turns and leaves. Stephen starts to
stir.
 11.

STEPHEN
(groggy)
What happened?

VIKRAM
Your robot hit you over the head
and locked us in here. I would have
fought him, but he’s stronger than
me.

STEPHEN
Asshole. I know it was you. Why are
we in here? And where are my
clothes?!

VIKRAM
(pointing)
He took them after he knocked you
out.

STEPHEN
Will you knock it off? Why did you
put my clothes on him?

VIKRAM
Marie was in here...

STEPHEN
What? Did it talk to her?

A beat.

STEPHEN (CONT’D)
Well? Did it?

VIKRAM
Yeah, I didn’t hear much though. It
moved out of earshot and I couldn’t
hear what they talked about.

STEPHEN
I have to shut it down.

Stephen opens the compartment and runs over to his computer

terminal. He enters a few keystrokes and RoboSteve hunches
over lifeless.

INT. ROBIOTICS RESEARCH LAB - LATER

Stephen is now fully dressed, holding an ice pack to his

head.
 12.

RoboSteve is back in his glass chamber and the secret panel

has been closed off. Vikram is sitting at his terminal,
clicking away.

STEPHEN
I can’t believe you hit me over the
head.

VIKRAM
It was in the name of science.

STEPHEN
Why did you take my underwear off?

VIKRAM
Realism.

STEPHEN
I should go apologize to Marie. She
probably thinks I was acting weird.

VIKRAM
(uncomfortable)
Yeah, maybe. I’ll be here.

Stephen gets up to leave.

INT. MARIE’S OFFICE - DAY

Stephen knocks on a door that says DR. MARIE KAHARI.

MARIE
Enter.

Stephen opens the door and goes in. Marie is sitting at her
desk, with neatly stacked piles of reports.

MARIE (CONT’D)
Stephen. Hey. I didn’t expect to
see you up here.

STEPHEN
I just wanted to come by and
apologize for missing your meeting
this afternoon.

MARIE
It’s okay. I forgive you. And tell
Vikram I forgive him too.
 13.

STEPHEN
Really? That’s kind of you. I also
wanted to apologize if my behavior
seemed odd when you came down to
the lab...

MARIE
Odd. You could say that.

STEPHEN
Vikram convinced me to take a hit
from his joint, and I’ve never done
it before, so it may have caused me
to act strangely.

MARIE
Really? It was your first time?
That explains it...

STEPHEN
Explains what?

MARIE
Why you kissed me.

STEPHEN
(incredulous)
I did what?

MARIE
It’s okay Stephen. You were a bit
forward, but I kind of liked you
like that. You were more...
confident. Just lay off the weed at
work, okay?

STEPHEN
Yeah, I have to go. I’ll see you
later.

He runs out of her office.

INT. ROBIOTICS RESEARCH LAB - DAY

Stephen comes running into the lab. Vikram sees him coming
and runs away, putting obstacles between himself and Stephen.

STEPHEN
Why didn’t you tell me that it
kissed her?!
 14.

VIKRAM
I didn’t see it.

STEPHEN
You said you saw the whole thing!

A beat.

VIKRAM
Oh. Right. Yeah, Cool Robot You
kissed Marie. And she liked it.

STEPHEN
I hate you.

VIKRAM
Calm down, Stevie B. It’s not the
worst thing that could have
happened.

STEPHEN
Not the worst thing?! I just lied
to her and told her that I got high
with you and that’s why I was
acting weird! Now she’s going to
feel weird being around me! What
were you thinking?!

VIKRAM
I don’t know what you’re getting so
worked up about. This is exactly
why you made the robot.

STEPHEN
It wasn’t ready to be field tested!
What you did was completely
irresponsible!

VIKRAM
But it was ready! It totally
worked! You have the results from
Marie. Success.

Stephen knows he can’t argue with that. He relaxes and sits

down.

STEPHEN
I....guess you’re right.

Vikram walks over to comfort him.

VIKRAM
I know I’m right.
 15.

STEPHEN
I hate it when you’re right.

VIKRAM
You’ll get over it. Now...

He enters a few keystrokes on Stephen’s terminal. The secret

panel slides open again.

VIKRAM (CONT’D)
Let’s see what else you can do.

A smile crosses Stephen’s face.

FADE OUT:

THE END?