The Secret Origin of Haggis

By Martin Sean Evans/Coelacanth

2014 Martin Sean Evans/Coelacanth
(Based on true folklore as found in The Transactions of the FolkLore Society and other folkloric journals)

Solly, I aint got nothin against no gays or lesbians. I was the one
who kept his big mouth shut when Moose Monahan and One Man
Army started rentin hotel suites together. But theres somethin about
Haggis you ought to know before you two shack up together, said
Randy.
And what is that? angrily asked Solongo.
I used to watch Haggis rassle at the Olympic Auditorium in Los
Angeles when I was a little kid, said Randy.
Whwhat? stammered Solongo.
Haggis wore masks back then a lot more than she does now. She
rassled under more ring names than I can remember. But you could
always tell it was Haggis underneath those masks because the only
other female rassler in those days who had tits as big as Haggis was
Barbie Dahl, and she didnt have sheepys killer curves. And another
thing, I didnt train Haggis. She trained me, said Randy.
, said Solongo.
Shesold. Really old, said Randy.
How old is she? timidly asked Solongo.
Your babushka old, said Randy.
Daddy, sheepy does not even have thick ankles, said Solongo.
I know. Her big boobs should be down around her knees by now, but
I reckon Wilma stopped agin in her thirties. Its hard to tell with her,

added Randy.
Solongo stood still for a few moments trying to wrap this new
information around her brain.
What do you think she is? Some kind of vampire? A werewolf? A
were-sheep? asked a confused Solongo.
No, honey, no, dont go there. Really, a were-sheep? Dont go there
at all. Youve aint got no business goin there. Its nothin like that.
Haggis blabbed everythin to me about herself and her parents after
she landed in the hospital after a bad car wreck we were in when we
were tryin to make a bookin in Cincinnati. I was okay, but she was
banged up pretty bad and after she got doped up, she started talkin
like there was no tomorrow, said Randy.
Were her parents really hippies? asked Solongo.
Her folks werent no hippies. Her dad was a rich kid from San
Francisco who was sent to Paris by his folks to learn how to cook for
their grand slam hotel. Her mom was a rich kid from upper crust
Boston who was sent to Paris by her folks to learn how to paint,
began Randy.
Solongo fell silent, listening intently to her fathers words.
One day, the two of them ran into each other at an open market.
Haggis dad wanted some bananas to bake into a pie. Haggis mom
wanted some bananas to put into a fruit bowl to paint. There was only
this one bunch of bananas left in that entire market and if there hadnt
been a run on bananas that day, Haggis mightve never been born,
Randy continued.
Haggis mom and dad had the kind of romance that you read about in
them scandalous paperback books. Those two had themselves a real
good time. But then Haggis mom got pregnant with her and her folks
decided to drop out of sight for a little while and get married and have
their baby in secret so they wouldnt disgrace their respective
families.

Haggis folks got married in this funny little no-name village off the
beaten track in Normandy. There wasnt that much of the village left
after the Great War because most of the young people there had either
been killed in the trenches or died from the Spanish flu. It was mostly
old folks left who were tickled pink that this here young couple had
picked their village to hole up in. Haggis folks got married one
mornin in this little church and all the villagers threw them a helluva
of a party.
But the villagers had this screwy marriage custom where before the
married couple could go on their honeymoon, the groom had to go out
into the countryside and catch himself the biggest sheep he could find
and bring it back to his bride. The bride is then supposed to feed the
sheep bread and milk for good luck. When the sheep is finished
eating, the couple lets the sheep go and everybody lives happily ever
after.
So the villagers gets Haggis dad good and drunk before he runs off
into the countryside looking for a sheep. But Haggis dad runs into
the forest instead of the pastures like hes told to and he gets lost. He
stumbles around until he finds this great big meadow and in the
middle of this meadow he sees this great big black ewe munchin
grass and generally mindin its own business.
Haggis dad decides that this is goin to be the sheep that hes goin
to bring back to his wife. He goes up to the ewe and tries to pick her
up. The ewe doesnt want none of that and wiggles free. Haggis dad
tries again. The ewe wiggles free again and then gives Haggis dad a
mule kick in the nuts.
Now its on like King Kong. Haggis dad and the sheep have
themselves a royal dustup. Haggis dad swore that the big black
sheep gave him a knuckle sandwich when they were rollin around in
the grass. Maybe if this ewe had been a normal-sized sheep, Haggis
dad wouldnt have had any trouble with her, but this was a really BIG
sheep. It took some doin, but Haggis dad finally makes that big
black ewe tap out. Haggis dad then picks her up and carries her back
to the village on his shoulders.

Haggis mom is tickled pink with the great big black sheep. Instead
of the plain old bread and milk like she was supposed to give to the
sheep, Haggis mom gave the ewe a bowl of good wine and a big
hunk of weddin cake. That big black ewe is so happy with the wine
and the cake and everythin else that she starts actin like the great big
puppy dog that every little kid wishes he had growin up. Haggis dad
starts rubbin her belly while Haggis mom ties ribbons into the ewes
fleece. Mom, dad, and sheep then have themselves a perfect happygo-lucky afternoon together. Come sunset, the big black ewe nuzzled
Haggis moms belly for like the longest time and then turns around
and walks back home wherever that was.
The next mornin Haggis folks are havin breakfast at the inn they
were stayin at. Some of the villagers came over and asked Haggis
folks where on Earth did they find that great big black sheep? Haggis
folks asked them ifn there was problem and the villagers told them
that nobody around these parts owned a great big black sheep like
that one.
Haggis dad then told the villagers where he found the big black ewe
and the villagers told Haggis folks that particular meadow was
supposed to be haunted by the ghosts of all the village shepherds who
had died fightin in the war and from the flu. The villagers had heard
stories from travelers about seein a big black sheep grazin in that
meadow, but to be fair, the villagers aint never seen it for
themselves.
When Haggis folks asked what was so special about that particular
meadow, the villagers told them that this meadow was sacred land and
that it had been sacred long before the first Christians arrived to
convert the pagans thereabouts. It was in that meadow where the
shepherds who never forgot the old ways used to scrap with each
other every year for the title of Don of the Meadow. This was an
award given to the best rassler among all of the shepherds. The
rasslin matches always took place in that particular meadow, hence
the title Don of the Meadow. But after the war and the flu, all of the
shepherds were long gone.

Randy paused and drank a little tea before finishing his story.
Six months later Haggis popped out. A year after that, Haggis folks
moved back to the United States, but because Haggis folks were kind
of afraid that her rich grandparents mightve had her committed to an
asylum to protect their reputations and save them from
embarrassment, Haggis folks chose to live in a bunch of out-of-theway places. Haggis folks finally settled in Beatty, Nevada. Its true
that Haggis tried to get on the high school rasslin team, and that she
was discovered by a rasslin promoter while she was flippin burgers,
and that she rassled in mud, but Haggis didnt start rasslin until the
middle 1960s when I was just a kiddo, concluded Randy.
But what is Wilma, daddy? asked Solongo.
You know that the French have fairies too? Over there theyre called
fes and they probably eat quiche. Fairies come in all shapes and sizes
like those Japanese Pokemon critters except they aint on no tradin
cards. And fairies are supposed to be creatures of the air, said Randy.
Solongo then started to remember something from her childhood in
Mongolia, but it was Randy who said it out loud.
Honey, aint sheep supposed to be made of the air or sky back in
Mongolia? said Randy.
Are you saying that Haggis is a fairy? asked Solongo.
No. But I think she has a fairy godmother, said Randy.