Two Rode Together

Rose Nylund and Blanche Devereaux are in the living room when Dorothy Zbornak and Sophia Petrillo
arrive.
Rose: Why are you both wearing black? Did you just come from a funeral?
Dorothy: No, Rose. We were singing backup for Johnny Cash.
Rose Nylund looks thrilled.
Dorothy: Of course we were at a funeral.
Blanche: Who died?
Sophia: My best friend, Edith Flannery.
Rose: I thought Mildred Feinberg was your best friend.
Sophia: She was, but weve grown apart. I think her death had something to do about it. I really thought
Edith would be around longer. She was only 88 years old, and in perfect health. Then one night, bingo,
she closes her eyes and shes gone.
Blanche: She died in her sleep.
Sophia: What are you deaf? She died playing bingo. Well, I guess Phyllis Glockman will be my new best
friend.
Dorothy: Ma, I thought you hated Phyllis Glockman.
Sophia: I do, but the rate my friends are going, I wont have to spend much time with her.
Sophia Petrillo makes her way to her bedroom.
Blanche: I think Sophias really been shaken up by this.
Dorothy: Shes not the only one.
Dorothy goes to the kitchen. Rose and Blanche follow her.
Rose: Dorothy, what do you mean?
Dorothy: Mas 82 years old. Edith was only 6 years older. You can guess what Im thinking.
Blanche: Youre thinking your time with Sophia may be running short.
Rose: Wow, Blanche! Thats amazing! Now, guess what Im thinking.
Rose closes her eyes trying to think of something.
Dorothy: I was talking to Ediths daughter after the funeral. Shed flown from San Francisco. She kept
telling me how bad she felt that she hadnt seen her mother in over a year.
Rose: Well, its hard to stay close to someone when they live across the country.

Dorothy: Well, I live in the same house with my mother yet we spend very little quality time together. You
know, sometimes well be watching TV and I start wondering how many more times I have left like that,
and I find myself staring at her like Im trying to freeze her face in my memory. Like I never want to forget
one single line or wrinkle, and suddenly shell turn to me, Why are you staring at me? Ive been wanting
to pick my nose for the past half hour.
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, I live by one simple rule. Share your love with people today, cause they may be
gone tomorrow.
Dorothy: Thats a beautiful sentiment, Blanche.
Blanche: Comes from dating a lot of traveling salesmen.
Rose: I heard a fable when I was a little girl in St. Olaf that might help. Can I tell you?
Dorothy: Thats right, Rose. Wait till my defenses are down and take advantage of me.
Rose: Okey dokey. Once upon a time in the magical land of Flafluevenhaven lived Toonder the mediocre
tiger. He was called mediocre because there was nothing special about him. He wasnt talented, he
wasnt smart, he wasnt rich, he wasnt handsome. He wasnt good at anything.
Dorothy: If he also wore a bad toupee, she could be describing my Stanley.
Rose: Anyway, it made Toonders wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.
Blanche: I understand Laura Bush feels the same way.
Rose: So, she asked her fairy godmother to grant Toonder the ability to perform incredible feats of magic,
and her wish was granted. Toonder the Mediocre became Toonder the Magnificent.
Blanche: I guess he didnt want to change the monograms on his towels.
Rose: Well, Toonder the tiger spent so much time performing that he didnt have enough time to spend
with his wife. Well, she told him that she missed the time they had together when he was just mediocre,
so Toonder used his magic only once more, and that was to make his powers disappear.
Blanche: And they lived happily ever after?
Rose: No, actually she got bored and ran off with Wiseblat the Weasel. That was Toonders old business
manager. But they lived happily ever after.
Blanche: What happened to Toonder?
Dorothy: Oh, who cares, Blanche?! Hey, once you hear happily ever after, its over.
Rose: Well, Dorothy, did you get anything out of this?
Dorothy: Actually, I did get an idea. You know what Im gonna do? Im gonna take Ma away for the
weekend to a cabin in the Florida Keys, where we can spend some quality time together.
Blanche: You got that idea from the fable?
Dorothy: No, I got it from this brochure somebody left on the table.
Dorothy browses the brochure.
Dorothy: But Ill tell you, I never wouldve read it if her fable hadnt bored me to tears. Thank you, Rose.
Rose: Youre welcome.
Sophia enters the kitchen.

Dorothy: Ma, I have a surprise for you.

Sophia: You got a date Saturday night.
Dorothy: Better. Ma, were going away for the weekend, just the two of us. So, pack your bags, were off
to a cabin in the Keys.
Sophia: Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before. Remember Shady Pines
Retirement Village? She told me we were going to a resort. We pull up to this place that looks like the
Bates Motel and two goons in white coats drag me inside. For the next year and a half, Im forced to
make lanyards against my will.
Dorothy: Ma, you know thats not how it was.
Sophia: Youre right. Sometimes they forced me to make moccasins. No thanks. Not again.
Sophia makes her way to the door. Dorothy follows her.
Dorothy: Ma, all I want us to do is go away together just the two of us. Ma, well go anywhere you want to
go.
Sophia: Great! I want to go to Disney World.
Dorothy: Then thats where were going.
Sophia: Oh? All of a sudden youre gonna take me after Ive been asking for years?
Dorothy: Thats right.
Sophia walks over to Blanche and Dorothy back at the kitchen table.
Sophia: Leave your shoe sizes and let me know whether you want your moccasins in brown or black.
Days later, Sophia is on the phone.
Sophia: Oh, hello. This is Dorothy Zbornak. Id like to confirm my reservation on Flight 505 to Orlando.
Uh-huh. Uh, now, lets go over the arrangements I made to have my mother taken away at the departure
gate. You dont know what Im talking about? Neither do I. Goodbye.
Sophia hangs up the phone. Dorothy Zbornak enters the living room.
Dorothy: Hi, Ma. Are you ready to go?
Sophia: You bet, pussycat.
Dorothy: Im glad you stopped being so suspicious.
Sophia: Oh, please, if you cant trust family, who can you trust?
The taxicab horn honks.
Dorothy: Theres our cab.

Rose runs to the living room.

Rose: Oh girls, dont forget to pick me up one of those hats with ears.
Dorothy: We wont forget, Rose.
Rose: Its not for me. Its for one of the girls in my Sunshine Cadet troop.
Dorothy: Yeah, we know, Rose.
Rose: I mean Im too old for that silly stuff, but the girls love it.
Dorothy: Right, Rose.
Sophia: You want R-o-s-e sewn on the back?
Rose: If its not too much trouble.
Sophia: Space Mountain, here I come.
Dorothy: Ma, I told you, no scary rides.
Sophia: Then wed better find another way to get to the airport. The cabby looks like Mr.T.
Sophia and Dorothy leave. Rose goes to the kitchen where Blanche is at.
Rose: They are going to have such a great time. What are you doing?
Blanche: Oh, just doodling.
Blanche shows Rose her sketchbook.
Blanche: What do you think?
Rose: Let me see. Oh, its a tiger with multicolored stripes, wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, and holding a
magic wand. Oh, my gosh! Its Toonder the magnificent tiger.
Blanche: Ive been thinking about him ever since you told us that fable. You know how it is when you just
cant get something out of your head?
Rose: Oh yeah, waters the worst. Thats why I always wear earplugs when I shampoo.
Blanche: I was talking about your fable. Listen, Rose, Ive come up with an idea. Now, with your stories
and my illustrations, we just might have a bestseller here. What do you say to us teaming up and writing a
kids storybook together?
Rose: Oh, Blanche, thats a terrific idea. Oh when my children were small, I bought those big illustrated
storybooks all the time.
Blanche: And I bet your kids loved them.
Rose: No, they had their own books.
Dorothy is unpacking in their hotel at Orlando.
Dorothy: Ma, youve been in there for twenty minutes! Now, what are you doing?

Sophia comes out of the bathroom.

Sophia: Painting a fresco on the ceiling. Its a bathroom. What do you think Im doing?
Dorothy writes on her notebook.
Sophia: What are you writing?
Dorothy: Oh, nothing.
Sophia: What do you mean nothing? What is that?
Dorothy: Well Ma, you have such a great sense of humor. I can never remember all the funny things you
say, so Ive decided to keep a journal.
Sophia: Journal? Who the hell are you? Anderson Cooper?
Dorothy: That is classic! Anderson Cooper.
Sophia: Fine. Ill give you great stuff while were on Space Mountain.
Sophia makes her way to the door.
Dorothy: Not so fast. Ma, I have surprise for you.
Sophia: What is it?
Dorothy: Remember all those photos we kept in Pops old cigar boxes? Ive organized them into these
albums. Ma, theyre for you. Theyre for us.
Sophia: Theyre for later. Lets go.
Dorothy: Come on, Ma. The park can wait. Lets do this now.
Sophia: OK, but lets make it quick.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, look. Heres you holding me when I was a baby. Do you remember what was going
through your mind then?
Sophia: Oh, yeah. Ill never forget that summer day in 1932. I was thinking, Boy, am I blessed to have
such a precious baby in my life.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, thats beautiful. Things are going just great. Oh, look at this. Youre holding my hand
while Im skating. What were you thinking then?
Sophia: Ill never forget that winter day in 1934. I was thinking, Boy, Am I blessed to have such a
precious 2 year old in my life.
Dorothy: Oh, look! Heres one of us on a bicycle built for two.
Sophia: Ill never forget that spring day in 1940. I was thinking
Dorothy: Ma, youre making this up!
Sophia: Of course, I am. How the hell should I remember what I was thinking back then? I still look for Ed
Sullivan on Sunday nights. The scary part is sometimes I find him.
Dorothy: Ma, why cant you make me happy? I want to do this.
Sophia: Okay, Okay, if a trip down memory lane is gonna make you happy, pussycat, Im willing to take a
short stroll.

Dorothy: Listen, Ill tell you what well do. Well order dinner in. Well finish looking at the photos, and then
we can reread these old letters.
Sophia: Gee, its too bad you didnt bring along the slides.
Dorothy: Ma, now youve got the spirit!
Dorothy pulls out a projector.
Back in Miami, Rose is at the living room writing when Blanche enters with her sketchpad.
Blanche: I just finished a sketch of Toonders little pals, the Dingleheimer twins.
Rose: Wow. This book is really coming along.
Blanche: Yeah, and you can chalk it all up to synergism.
Rose: Yeah, synergism. What would we ever do without it? Good old synergism.
Blanche: You have no idea what it means, do you?
Rose: Not a clue.
Blanche: Synergism is the powerful energy that is generated by two people engaged in the same activity.
Up til now, I had no idea it could occur outside a Howard Johnsons motor lodge.
The two laugh.
Blanche: You still have no idea what Im talking about, do you?
Rose: Nope. Oh, but I cant tell you, Blanche, how much I enjoy working with you.
Blanche: Me too. You know why? cause were not just partners, were friends. Were good friends.
Rose: I feel I could say anything to you.
Blanche: Well, of course you can, sugarplum.
Rose: Even criticize your artwork.
Blanche: Well, of course, the whole point is to get beyond our egos and come up with something we both
like. What do you think?
Rose: Well, this could use a few minor changes.
Blanche: Drop dead!
Rose: Blanche, whatever happened to getting beyond your ego?
Blanche: My ego has nothing to do with it. These drawings are brilliant.
Rose: Blanche, I have lived with these characters all my life, and Im the one to determine if your
drawings are brilliant, and that one needs work.
Blanche: Whats wrong with it?
Rose: Well, you forgot Melvin the Loneliest Sea Otters little beanie with the propeller on top.
Blanche: No, I didnt. It blew away.
Rose: It did not.
Blanche: It did too. Big wind came along, blew it right off his head.
Rose: That couldnt have happened.
Blanche: I say it did and youre gonna write it in the story.

Rose: And what if I refuse?

Blanche: You see this eraser? Im gonna rub out Melvins little friend, Mookie the Sailor.
Rose: You wouldnt.
Blanche: Try me.
Rose: No, please, Blanche. Ill do anything you say.
Blanche: I thought youd see it my way.
In Orlando, Dorothy and Sophia are watching slides of old photos.
Dorothy: Oh, Pop was sure a lousy photographer. Who is that?
Sophia: Uncle Vittorio.
Dorothy: His heads cut off. How can you tell?
Sophia: Because thats exactly how he looked in the morgue after he turned states evidence against
Benny the Blade.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, this is so special, spending this time together.
Sophia: Yeah, right. You know, Dorothy, I think were missing a whole box of slides. They must be in the
suitcase in the closet.
Dorothy: Oh, Ill take a look.
Dorothy goes to the other room, while Sophia runs for the door.
Dorothy: Ma! Where are you going?
Sophia: I cant stand it anymore. Your life is supposed to flash before your eyes when youre dying not
when youre on vacation. I waited my whole life to ride Space Mountain and you hear me nothing is
gonna stop me.
A loud thunderclap is heard. Dorothy looks out the window. Sophia looks up.
Sophia: Why are you always taking her side?
A roll of thunder continues as Dorothy and Sophia play cards.
Sophia: Who would have thought it would rain for 24 hours straight. Red sixes.
Dorothy stares at her mother. Sophia notices her staring, and says nothing. Dorothy continues to stare.
Sophia: Does this look like a game of solitaire? Its your turn.
Dorothy: Im sorry, Ma. I was trying to remember when was the last time I said I love you.
Sophia: After lunch when I said you had grilled cheese stuck to your chin. Now will you make your move,
for Gods sake?

Dorothy: Oh, Ma. Youre really making this difficult for me. You know Im not great when it comes to
dealing with emotions. Whenever someone starts talking about their deepest feelings, I, I usually get
uncomfortable and tune out. I dont know why. Where do you think it comes from, Ma?
Sophia stares blankly.
Sophia: Huh? Oh, sorry, Dorothy. My corn pad slipped. You were saying?
Dorothy: Never mind.
Sophia: You think the rain is ever gonna let up?
Dorothy: You know something? I honestly dont care. Who needs outside distractions? What we have
here is more important.
Sophia: What we have here is getting on my nerves.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you going?
Sophia: Some place where there are no pictures, slides, and no walks down memory lane.
Dorothy: Ill come with you.
Sophia: What are we nuns? We dont have to travel in pairs. Im outta here.
Sophia is at the hotel bar. Dorothy arrives.

Dorothy: Ma.
Sophia: Of all the saloons and gin joints in the world, she had to walk into mine.
Dorothy: Ma, Ive been looking everywhere for you. We really need to talk.
Dorothy and Sophia sit at a table.
Dorothy: Ma, why are you trying so hard to ruin my weekend?
Sophia: You dont get it do you? This weekend couldve been a lot of fun until you decided we were
gonna have quality time.
Dorothy: Is that so horrible? Ma, all I wanted to do was have us finish unfinished business, and say
things to each other that we never said before.
Sophia: Dorothy, this isnt Freaky Friday.
Dorothy: I know, Ma.
Sophia: And youre not Lindsay Lohan.
Dorothy: All right. You made your point.
Sophia: Quality time has to come naturally. It happens when youre not thinking about it. Like when were
cutting vegetables together. Thats quality time.
Dorothy: I was hoping for something more magical than that.

Sophia: Let me tell you a little story. When I was a kid in Sicily, I loved lightning bugs. Id stand out in the
field and watch them light up the night sky. That was magical. That was spectacular. I tell you, I saw a
thousand points of light. It was a kinder, gentler, America. I turned to my wife, Barbara, and I said
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell are you talking about?!
Sophia: Oh. Sorry, I must have lapsed into George Bushs inauguration speech. Where was I?
Dorothy: Lightning bugs.
Sophia: Right. I liked them so much, Id catch them in glass jars so I could watch them light up whenever
I wanted, but they always died.
Dorothy: I see what you mean. They needed their freedom.
Sophia: No, they needed their air. I always forgot to punch holes in the lid. The point is its the same with
all magical moments. You cant capture them forever, no matter what Kodak tells you.
Dorothy: So what youre saying, Ma, is that, like a lightning bug, I put you in a glass jar and, waiting for
you to light up, I nearly suffocated you.
Sophia: Jeez, Dorothy, you sure know how to beat a metaphor to death.
Dorothy: Ma, I love you.
Sophia: I love you too, pussycat. Just promise me youll never make me do this for the rest of my life.
Dorothy: Okay. Only if you promise youll live forever.
Sophia: Okay, I promise.
Dorothy: How can you make a promise like that?
Sophia: Hey, if I dont come through, what are you gonna do to me?
Blanche is busy sketching in the kitchen when Rose comes in.
Rose: Blanche.
Blanche: Rose, listen. I think maybe I owe you an apology. When we were having our argument, I may
have said things I didnt mean.
Rose: Like when you said I was a dummy.
Blanche: No. Anyway, the important thing is for us to stay partners and finish our book.
Rose: Oh, forget it. There isnt gonna be any book.
Blanche: Now what are you saying?
Rose: Did I just lapse into Swedish?
Rose shows Blanche a thick book.
Rose: Read it and weep.
Blanche: Tales of Toonder the Tiger and His Friends by Hans Christian Lockerhueven. Well, whos Hans
Christian Lockerheuven?
Rose: Only St. Olafs greatest author. He wrote the classic fairy tale, Hansel and Hansel.
Blanche: You told me your parents made up these stories.
Rose: Well, I thought they did, but when I called my sister for more stories, she suggested I pick up the
book that Mom and Dad got them from.

Blanche: Well, this is great. Weve been writing stories that have already been written.
Rose: Well, if its any consolation, they do it all the time on _________.
Blanche: Well, my dream is crushed. I always wanted to be rich and famous, and now its not gonna
happen.
Rose: I know a poem that might help. It goes, Never, ever give up your dreams, even when theyre
doused in sorrow, because even though they seem far away, they could come true tomorrow. I wrote
that, Blanche.
Blanche: You know. It isnt half bad. Well, its better than a lot of them you read on greeting cards.
Rose: I have hundreds of them.
Blanche: You know what Im thinking, Rose?
Rose: That with your drawings and my poems, we might go into the greeting card business together?
Blanche: No, Im thinking about a place out the beach where the waves break so hard, they knock the
bathing suits right off the men coming out of the water. Come on. Maybe we can salvage the rest of this
day after all. Come one, lets go.
Dorothy arrives. Sophia looks out the window.
Sophia: Oh, just for luck. The rain lets up when were leaving.
Dorothy: Hey, Ma, we still have a little time and theres one more thing I want to show you to make this
terrific weekend complete.
Sophia: Oh no, Dorothy. We looked at pictures and slides and letters and diaries and locks of hair.
Whats left? Our family history in shadow puppets?
Dorothy: Ma, better!
Sophia: Now, this is what I call quality time.
Sophia and Dorothy scream!