Kayla Schorr

W/R #14 TA #2
COMM231, 0101
Sept. 30, 2015
Assignment A#A, Slice of Life

SEO: Engineering student conquers the Hovercraft Project

Engineering students fly hovercraft through maze
Tran builds hovercraft able to navigate through a maze
By Kayla Schorr
On the final day of junior communication major Vincent Trans Introduction to
Engineering Design class, he did much more than murmur his goodbyes.
In May of 2014 in the Plant Science Building, Tran flew a hovercraft, which he
manufactured with the help of a collaborative team, around a simple maze.
The teacher didnt expect us to be able to
do it, Tran said. It was an introductory class, so
they wanted to see how well we could meet
deadlines and work in groups.
Tran and his teammates built the hovercraft
of what seemed to be rudimentary materials at first
glance, but it actually involved advanced coding.

Chan demonstrates his

hovercrafts design
Photo drawn by Vincent Tran

The four teammates implemented a large fan in the

middle of the hovercraft for flight and a lit polycarbonate sheet encamping the bottom to
trap the air and keep the device centered.

(more)

K. Schorr W/R #14 (TA#2), A#A, Hovercraft, p. 2

They included three other fans on the top for extra support and programmed it to
run on a 12-volt battery. The hovercraft did not require a wireless controller; it fluttered
through the air and navigated directions using coding.
Flying hovercraft
After an entire semester of composition, planning, essay writing and presentation, the
More About
Vincent
Hometown: Silver
Spring, Maryland
Favorite movie:
The Dark Night
Favorite food: Pasta

hovercraft was ready for flight. Trans team prepared the

hovercraft for aviation and watched in amusement as it glided
through the rectangular wooden maze.
We were the only group who could do it, Tran said,
referring to his teams ability to program their hovercraft to
navigate the maze. Every other groups hovercraft got in the

Favorite song:
Hallelujah by Jeff
Buckley

air, but was not programmed for anything else.

Fun fact:
Thoroughly enjoys
mens fashion

professors expectations, there were some obstacles along the

Although Trans group went above and beyond the

way.

One of our group members just did not get along with the rest of us and tried to
work against us, said Thomas Ogden, Trans project manager. Ogden said that Tran
carried the group because he knew exactly how to communicate with the pessimistic
team member and work toward a common goal.

(more)

K. Schorr W/R #14 (TA#2), A#A, Hovercraft, p. 3

Tran reflected on his hovercraft manufacturing and flying experience with a
positive attitude. In the end, we accomplished more than we thought we could, and that
itself was a reward.

###

Slice of Life Synopsis

Type of story
This story is about Vincents Trans ability to build a hovercraft that could
navigate a simple maze, despite the fact that most teams in his class were unable
to do so.
o Key story elements include direct quotes from Tran and his project
manager, Thomas Ogden. The story also includes a visual of the
hovercrafts design before Tran and his team members
o Techniques include organizing the story in chronological order, using
LORI words to describe the foundations of Trans hovercraft and
diving the story into subheads for the reader to more thoroughly
understand the categorical organization of the story.

Focus/theme of story
o This story focuses on a challenge that an individual overcame with the
help of a team. The story emphasizes that although problems arise, it is
possible to not only overcome to task, but go above and beyond the call of
duty with the right amount of determination.

News values
o Human interest: The story is about someone who achieved something
out-of-the-ordinary.
o Conflict: Along Trans journey to success, he encountered many conflicts,
specifically with one person in particular.

Target audiences
o Students in the engineering department
These students all passed or are currently enrolled in ENES100 and
had to complete this arduous project. They would sympathize with
Trans struggles and applaud his extra work.
o Students for the university
Even if they never had to face this project, Trans accomplishment
is still interesting and engaging, especially for people who do not
have an engineering background.

Slice of Life 5 Cs
Compare
Word count
SEO character count
Sentences per
paragraph
Words per sentence
Percent passive voice
Grade level

Original
348
48
1.9

Rewrite 1
318
48
1.6

Rewrite 2
347
52
1.6

20.5
0%
10.3

21.4
0%
10.6

21.6
0%
10.4

Cut

Rewrite 1
o I omitted the phrase address how to in the phrase and address how to
work toward a common goal.
o I omitted the word back in the phrase Tran reflected back on his
hovercraft manufacturing and flying experience.
Rewrite 2
o I did not cut anything else in this rewrite.

Contribute
Rewrite 1
o I changed the phrase but actually, it involved advanced coding to but it
actually involved advanced coding.
o I changed the heading Story to Hovercraft to be more specific.
Rewrite 2
o I changed the word they to the four team members to be more
specific.
o I changed the phrase although Trans group went above and beyond as far
as completing the project to although Trans group went above and
beyond the professors expectations to eliminate awkward wording.
o I added to location of Trans engineering class
Clean up
Rewrite 1
o I changed Junior Communication major to junior communication
major to comply with AP Style.
o I put The Dark Knight inside quotation marks to comply with AP Style
o I made the print headline focused on the student rather than the team
Rewrite 2
o I changed Md. To Maryland to comply with AP Style
o I put the song Hallelujah in quotations to comply with AP Style

(more)
K. Schorr, W/R #14, TA#2, A#A 5 Cs, p.2
Collaboration
Rewrite 1
o My TA, Adalie, pointed out awkward phrasing and suggested how to make
the paragraphs flow better
o Professor Toth highlighted my GSPS errors and suggested that I focus
more on Tran than on his group
o My peer, Vincent, helped me understand the importance of the nut and
reminded me to emphasize it
Rewrite 2
o Professor Toth recommended that I add the location of Trans engineering
class to comply with TDDP
o Professor Toth recommended that I break up paragraphs to emphasize
certain ideas