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Discordian Quote File
Discordian Quote File
Give a monkey a brain and he'll swear he's the center of the universe.
A man's a man all his life; a woman's sexy until she's your wife!
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it?
Time's fun when you're having flies
Atheists are people who have no invisible means of support
Don't knock my smock or I'll clean your clock!
Think of hummingbirds as the flying penises of flowers
ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
If you can read this, you're in range.
I've got an overload of bottomless thought right here in my left fist
Hey, I have an idea! Let's all go spray paint some cars in Singapore.
Life size models of Cthulhu, on sale now!
It can't rain all the time
For those of you without hope, we have rooms with color TV, cable and air condit
ioning
You want to buy a magical chia pet?
I'm not wearing any underwear
Time is a plaything for children and fools.
I only kill to know I'm alive.
Pain looks good on other people; that's what they're for.
Love's as good as soma!
My whole life is a darkroom, one... big... dark... room.
YOU kill it -- I'm bitter.
SnaKES! snakES... SnakeS... SnAKes!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Good, bad, *I'm* the guy with the gun!
Try enjoying yourself. Everyone else has.
Do I *amuse* you? Am I a *clown* to you?
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I.
Penguin lust!
Of course I still love you. Now stop whining and let me shoot you.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds t
he universe together.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!
Do it, or you'll be fishing yak cheese from your nostrils!
I've always maintained that one should never tangle with anything that has more
teeth than the Osmond family.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
In the not too distant future, next Sunday A.D....
Five is a demon.
I once waxed the floors of a nursing home, pulled off all the rubber feet on the
walkers, and yelled "FIRE!"
We don't take no shit from a machine.
MITCHELL! Even his name says, "Uh, is that a beer?"
Fred and Daphne were swingers. It's true! Look at the scarves they wore!
Did you exchange... a walk-on part in the war... for a lead role in a cage?
Time is a spiral, space is a curve, I know you get dizzy but try not to lose you
r nerve
Secret to long life and prosperity: Don't spin too fast.
It's not that life is too short, it's that death is too long.
As the Euclideans would have it, irrationality is the square root of all evil.
Nice computers don't go down...
All men have the right to dig their own graves, and I have the right to sell the
m the shovels.
Evolution doesn't take prisoners.
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone nin
ety degrees and try again.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterose
xuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
After all, we only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screamin
g in terror like his passengers.
Sum id quod sum et id totum est quod sum.
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a
mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.
Beware of all clothes that require new enterprises.
What rolls down T3s, boosts connect fees, and makes your throughput drag? Makes
it tough to hack, won't get off your back, it's lag lag lag!
A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Damn the torpedoes.
Mashed potatoes can be your friend.
'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy
were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs
, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille.
Take the skin and peel it back... now doesn't it make you feel better?
If you have to ask, you're not allowed to know.
Nothing quite like the feel of something new...
The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are compo
sed entirely of lost airline luggage.
When the naive man admits his naivete, he is no longer naive. Thus, all people a
re regarded by society as either ignorant or a liar.
You're so hardcore, you're punk rock.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just b
ecause the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
I call her Attila, 'cuz she's my Hun...
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
All suspects are innocent until proven Discordian in a Court of Chaos.
You know, that's a pretty daring move for a weatherman.
Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
"How many tentacles has Great Cthulhu got?" "Too many."
We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles.
There are three magical words that make everyone feel happy... 'no compilation e
rrors'.
Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an eld
er god.
If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath!
Nietzsche thought he was the Antichrist or Dionysus, but that was after the syph
ilis crossed the blood-brain barrier.
Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold.
Yesterday a postal worker asked me what type of handgun he should buy.
Okay, something here's really fucked up.
Tyger, tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night; what immortal hand or
eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings t
otal obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and thr
ough me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Wh
ere the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the Coca-Cola tha
t the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warni
ng. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
Que sera, serotonin.
You wouldn't be so smug if you really knew what was going on.
Death without pain is like a sundae without sprinkles.
She's a virgin child with deviant dreams.
You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey.
Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet yet t
art, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair.
It isn't the fall that kills the child, it is the splattering of the brain again
st the inside of the skull.
The next person to pass us will die within a fortnight.
Hey, that's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.
"But we'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one eve
r has."
Get up Dog Boy! Show them where you come from, show them where you're going!
Could I interest you in a pet rock?
Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?
If at first you don't succeed, try following the instructions.
Et sic patet quod totus mundus est sicut unum speculum plenum luminibus praesent
Hail / Praise / Ia / Fuck / Grep / Eat Eris / "Bob" / Cthulhu / The Conspiracy /
Kibo / Spam
Bad things come to those who wait too.
Is it just me or are all uncles either really cool, or child molestors?
Homosexuality is the best all around cover an agent ever had.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
You DON'T want me to translate that. No, really you don't.
They are a puckish band of rapscallions
He doesn't like me. HE NEVER LIKED ME!
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Our cause is a secret within a secret, a secret that only another secret can exp
lain; it is a secret about a secret veiled by a secret.
Do you ever feel like putting your fist through a window just so you can feel so
mething?
If it weren't for lawyers, I think we could have invented a universal symbolic r
epresentation of reality.
When you have had all that you can take, put the rest back.
I think you had better start lining your hat with tinfoil.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley; LSD and BSD Unix. We don
't believe this to be a coincidence.
I don't believe in reason, objective reality or collective farming.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? I could then co
nquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very much af
raid it was all in your mind.
Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball. If Happy Fun Ball starts to smoke, run away and
take cover.
A much-discussed alternative to homogeneous big-bang nucleosynthesis has been th
e first-order quark-hadron phase-transition-inspired inhomogeneous model.
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives; for all the scents of g
reen things growing, each breath is but an exhalation of the grave. Bodies jerk
like puppet corpses, and hell walks laughing -I am always right. Except when I'm left, or bluffing.
The mutant alien skull man has a smile for all smiles, an answer for all answers
.
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
During the Asparagus Season, members are requested not to relieve themselves in
the hatstand.
Green potatoes and green potato chips are to be distinguished from brown potato
chips, which are another matter entirely.
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?
'
Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room fu
ll of cockroaches.
Just as Schopenhauer predicted, absolutely nothing is happening.
Often I think I am a special agent of Billy Graham.
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
Reverend!
I salivate at the sight of mittens.
My father was a good woman.
Guns don't kill people. Bullets do.
Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we are all tools of the Co
nspiracy...
La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la!
Um. No. It's not mayonnaise.
Ooooooeee! They sure serve up them four-year-olds good, don't they?
DON'T call me dude, dude.
Bugger off.
I am GOD here!
D'oh!
I like you, Sali. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
Make your own mistakes, not somebody else's.
Hellllllooooooooo, Nurse!
On Earth there is no reckoning.
Study demonology with an enemy this Sunday.
Ewige Blumenkraft!
Fliegende Kinderscheisse!
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Yo! Ewige Blumenkraft, Dude!
G'day! Ewige Blumenkraft, Mate!
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
No matter how good it is, there's always better.
No matter how bad it is, there's always worse.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
_The Big U_ and _Snow Crash_ both center around cerebral bicamerality... but is
that because Neal Stephenson has a Jaynes addiction?
It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost.
Strike any user to continue.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)?
Question reality.
The Jetdillo Project: 2000 pounds of steel, 20,000 pounds of thrust. One pair of
very dark shades. The world's first fully cybernetic, SSTO-capable armadillo. C
oming soon from Armadillo Labs. The Dasypian Future begins tommorrow...
Weather's here, wish you were beautiful.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
Vegetables are murder.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always wo
rked for me.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
Dare to be stupid.
I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity.
If you do that you have a chance of dying
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder
Never give an inch!
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads
Death is an illusion. Life is a hallucination. Taxes are objective reality.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
For him to get a clue would require heroic implant surgery.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
You can't be late until you show up.
Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
There ain't no justice
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
Oh, squirt.
Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner...
Everything you know is wrong!
Be excellent to each other
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Bored people are boring people.
Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen.
Uh, Josh, you have to do a QC before you say "go away" for it to be a banishing.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
I will never lie to you.
What's so funny 'bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
And the first one said to the second one there, "I hope you're having fun."
Second star on the right, and onward 'till dawn
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
We're gonna go to the mall and window shoplift...
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
Mmm. I forgot about that.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care.
All you can eat, shrimp
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Wow, man... like, totally Hidden Valley Ranch, dude.
A king's castle is his home.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not get caught.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
Sure I believe in peace. Peace through superior firepower.
Dont'cha hate it when that happens?
Art is dangerous
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
We come in peace... shoot to kill...
I've seen the future and I leave it all behind
The early worm gets the bird.
Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Everybody ought to have a friend.
If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day. But
if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have headach
es for the rest of his life.
Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever.
The future ain't what it used to be.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
The following statement is not true:
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
No matter where you go... there you are.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
He who laughs, lasts.
How do you make a cat go moo? Ask it "Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?"
"Grey! Did I hear you say grey?" "Light black. From pole to pole."
"How do you get all those coins?" "IN PAIRS."
Truly, the road to enlightenment is like unto half a mile of broken glass.
When you're a god, you don't have to have reasons.
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs -- like customs officials.
... is exhibited in the radical endosemic character of the sign as such.
If you are sitting, just sit. If you are walking, just walk. Above all, don't wo
bble.
Reality is the temporary resultant of the struggle between rival gangs of progra
mmers.
Walk in shadow, walk in dread, Loosefish walk as like one dead
The more it stays the same, the less it changes.
If I was a woman I'd stay at home all day and play with my breasts.
Last time I was stoned, I tried to eat an airport.
You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling...
Nid yw Cymru ar werth!
"What did Medieval people do before television?" "Had tea, I suppose."
Of course you realize this means war.
Don't worry. Baldrick has a cunning plan.
Smile, and the whole world thinks you're laughing at them.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a grape? |grape| * |elephant| * si
n(theta).
On a scale of 1 to 4, what are your feelings about the colour green?
Bonzo the Demon Dog from Hell with Handlebars for Ears.
The universe is like a grapefruit -- it's yellow and dimply, and some people hav
e half of one for breakfast.
Je suis un chou-fleur sous un echequier enorme.
To have too much and not enough is like a boat person with sideburns.
As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart.
Live in privacy; die in public.