5 BROTHERS, 9 DAUGHTERS

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2016

The 5 brothers and their families:

Ryan (48) is married to Charlotte (45), and they have three
daughters: Hannah (19), Ashlyn (16), and Emma (13). They
live in a somewhat large, moderately expensive house.
Owen (43) is married to Cassie (42), and they have three
daughters: Hayden (6), Jessica (5), and Jenna (3), as well
as a full time maid/nanny Clarice (40). They live a large,
expensive house.
Dane (42) is single, and has never been married. He lives in
an average 1 bedroom apartment.
Jim (38) is married to Cindy (38), and they have two
daughters: Rachel (7) and Chloe (4). They live in a somewhat
small, average house.
Jake (37) is divorced. He lives alone in an average 1
bedroom apartment, and has a daughter, Amber (9), who lives
with his ex-wife Justine (37)
___
INT. DANES APARTMENT - DAY
DANE (42) and BROOKE (35) are sitting on the sofa and
watching TV. Theres a commercial on.
DANE
Im about to say something
romantic.
BROOKE
OK.
DANE
Here it is. I love it when we just
hang out here like this, on a
weekday afternoon. Just sitting
around. Enjoying each others
smells.
BROOKE
Is that what were doing?
DANE
Yeah. And, Im about to say
something even more romantic.
Brooke. Without you here, my
apartment wouldnt smell right.

2.
BROOKE
Are you asking me to move in with
you?
DANE
(changes tone)
Uh. Well. Im just saying I like
having you around as my girlfriend,
who spends time here, and also has
her own apartment.
Brooke stares at him.
BROOKE
Dane. Weve been a serious couple
for five years. Isnt it time for
us to take the next step?
DANE
Brooke. Do you want to know why
male tigers always have such good,
romantic relationships with female
tigers?
BROOKE
No.
DANE
Its because they have separate
apartments. In the wild. But zoo
tigers are different. Whenever you
go to the zoo, and you see a tiger
living together 24/7 with his
girlfriend, theres no romance
between them.
BROOKE
(annoyed)
OK, Dane. Fine, Were tigers in the
wild. Well just hang out like
this. On my day off from my job,
and your day off from your non-job,
since you dont have a job, and I
have a job.
DANE
So now youre trying to start the
whole "get a job" conversation.
BROOKE
Fine. Lets get revisit the whole
relationship conversation.
She closes his nostrils.

3.

BROOKE
Now stop smelling me, and start
telling me where this relationship
headed.
DANE
It, uh, well--its headed in a
northern direction.
She lets go of his nose.
DANE
And I love you. I think about you
all the time.
He takes her hand, gets up, leads her to the refrigerator,
opens it, and takes out container of orange juice.
DANE
Look at this. Orange juice. I dont
drink orange juice. But any time
Im in the juice aisle at the
supermarket, I think about how you
like orange juice, so I buy orange
juice. I do that--but most husbands
dont do that. That should tell you
how romantic I am.
BROOKE
Dane. Im looking for a
relationship with a man who wants
to wake up every morning next to
me, and eat breakfast with me, and
then maybe go to work, and then
come back to our apartment and see
me again.
DANE
Well. Listen, Brooke. Theres this
gorilla at the zoo...
BROOKE
Dane--shut your mouth, and explain
why you dont think we should live
together!
Dane opens his mouth as if to say something, and then closes
it with a confused look on his face.
DANE
When two...

4.

BROOKE
I said shut your mouth! And
by "shut your mouth," I mean that
you should start agreeing with me.
DANE
Brooke. I love you, but Im not
ready to live with you.
BROOKE
Well. As a 35 year old woman, I
want someone who is ready to live
with me.
DANE
Are you seriously inflating your
age just to pressure me into having
you move in?
BROOKE
Im not inflating my age! How could
you not know that Im 35?
DANE
Because thats not the number you
gave me.
BROOKE
Yeah! I gave you a lower number...
when we started dating! Five years
ago! I guess you forgot to add five
years to my age, because we keep on
breaking up every year before my
birthday comes around.
DANE
Listen. Even when were broken up,
I keep orange juice in the
fridge.
INT. RYAN AND CHARLOTTES HOME - NIGHT
RYAN (48), CHARLOTTE (45), ASHLYN (16), and EMMA (13) are
standing by the front door.
HANNAH (19) walks in.
HANNAH
(to Everyone)
So. What did you think of John?

5.

ASHLYN
Well. Based on your dating history,
I expected him to fit one of the
bag categories.
CHARLOTTE
Bag categories?
ASHLYN
As in douchebag or scumbag.
CHARLOTTE
OK.
ASHLYN
But, he wasnt a bag. He seems
great.
EMMA
Yeah. Hes, like, a combination of
Zayn Malik, Shawn Mendes, and Jack
Gilinsky.
RYAN
Um. What the hell does that mean?
ASHLYN
Its teen-speak. It means that
hes, like, great.
EMMA
(to Ryan)
Yeah, dad. Dont you know anything?
RYAN
I... guess not.
HANNAH
(to Charlotte)
Mom. What do you think of John?
CHARLOTTE
I really like him.
HANNAH
(to Ryan)
Dad? What did you think?
Ryan pauses for a few seconds to look at the expression on
Hannahs face. He then pauses for another few seconds to
contemplate.

6.

RYAN
... Well. ... Um. Lets see. ...
You know, um, well... parent
conference.
He pulls Charlotte aside and has a private conversation with
her.
CHARLOTTE
You dont like John?
RYAN
Of course I like John. Im feeling
the same butterflies youre
feeling. Johns my dream guy.
CHARLOTTE
You have a dream guy?
RYAN
Hes my dream-in-law guy. But you
know how Hannah is. She breaks up
with the guys we say we like, and
she keeps seeing the guys we dont
like. She wants the opposite of
what we want. So now we have to use
reverse psychology, and tell her
that we want the opposite of what
we want, so she wont want the
opposite of what we want.
CHARLOTTE
Honey--Im sure that explanation
was very clear in your brain. But
when it came out your mouth, it
sounded like a horse eating a box
of crackers.
RYAN
Honey--Im sure that analogy made
sense in your brain. But when it
came out of your mouth, it sounded
like... a horse eating a box
crackers. And the point is, dont
make it seem like youre so into
John. Just play it cool. You know.
The way you did when you first met
me. Remember? You acted like you
werent in love with me, even
though you were.

7.

CHARLOTTE
Um. Right. OK.
They walks back to Hannah.
RYAN
Honey. Your mother and I had a talk
And she became aware of some things
that she wasnt previously aware of
regarding your new boyfriend
whats-his-name.
HANNAH
John.
RYAN
John, Jim, Saddam--whatever. I saw
some signs that he might be a shady
guy.
HANNAH
What signs?
RYAN
Um. He, um--I think I saw a tattoo
on him.
HANNAH
Where?
RYAN
In the living room. I mean,
um, John looks as the type of
person whos really considering
getting a tattoo, and developing
WMDs. And his voice--it sounds kind
of like a horse... eating... a box
of crackers.
HANNAH
What?
RYAN
We think you should consider going
back to your old boyfriend Tucker.
HANNAH
Really?
CHARLOTTE
No! We think John is great!

8.
HANNAH
And what about Tucker?
CHARLOTTE
For the past year, weve been
trying to get Tucker deported to
Mexico.
HANNAH
Tuckers not Mexican.
ASHLYN
Well. We have a stack of fake
documents that prove hes a
carpenter from Guadalajara, and his
name is Fernando Bustamente.
HANNAH
(to Charlotte)
Is she joking?
CHARLOTTE
Well. Not really.
INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
CASSIE (42) is lying on a bed, reading a magazine. OWEN (43)
lies down next to her, looking exhausted.
OWEN
Im beat.
CASSIE
Thats probably because you were at
work for 12 and a half hours.
Honey. I think you need to start
going to those workaholics
anonymous meetings again.
OWEN
I dont have time for workaholics
anonymous meetings.
CASSIE
Thats because youre always at
work. Thats the point. Youre a
workaholic.
OWEN
Cassie--how many times do I have to
tell you? Work is not like
alcohol. Theres no such thing as a
workaholic.

9.

CASSIE
Then how do so many workaholics get
together and have anonymous
meetings?
OWEN
I dont know. Theyre idiots.
CASSIE
Fine. Theyre idiots for wanting to
do something other than work. And
youre a genius for working 12 and
a half hours a day.
OWEN
Well. How about a little
appreciation for all my hard work?
CASSIE
Are you a freaking mule? No. I
didnt marry you to have you go out
in the field and work all day. I
appreciate you more when youre
actually with me, as my husband.
OWEN
OK. Im here right now. Go ahead
and appreciate me. Take off your
clothes.
CASSIE
You think Im gonna have sex with
tonight, after hearing your stupid
argument about how youre not a
workaholic? Right now, Id rather
have sex with a mule.
OWEN
Who said anything about having sex
with me? I just want you to get
naked and then dance around for me.
Im way too tired to have sex.
CASSIE
You better not be too tired for
sex! Were definitely having sex
tonight!
OWEN
You just said you didnt want to
have sex with me.

10.
CASSIE
That was when I thought you wanted
to have sex. Now that I know you
dont want to have sex, were
definitely gonna have sex.
OWEN
Honey. I think you just threatened
to rape me.
CASSIE
The point is, you work too much.
OWEN
I work a lot because I have kids
to feed and I have a company to
run.
CASSIE
We have $300,000 cash in the bank.
Our kids are fed.
OWEN
I have a company to run.
CASSIE
You have three brothers that also
run that company--and they
dont work for 12 and a half hour a
day. I mean, Dane almost never even
shows up for work--and hes one of
the Vice Presidents.
OWEN
Thats why I have to work so much.
Hes one of the kids I have to
feed.
CASSIE
Jim and Ryan run that company with
you, and they get home at 5. How
come you keep on coming home at 10?
OWEN
Because I have a lot of work to do
in the office.
CASSIE
You probably spend two hours a day
watching videos of cats playing
with yarn. Why cant you spend
those two hours at home, where you
have an actual cat, as well as four
daughters and a wife?

11.

OWEN
OK. I get the point. Ill work
less.
His cell phone rings on the night stand next to him.
CASSIE
You better not get that.
OWEN
Why not?
CASSIE
Because its probably work-related.
He stares at her for a few seconds. He then starts reaching
for the phone.
She

climbs over him and grabs the phone before he can.

OWEN
Give me that!

She gets out of bed.

CASSIE
Come get it!
She runs out of the room. Owen pauses for a second, and then
gets up and goes after her.
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT
The doorbell rings. JAKE (37) opens the door to reveal Dane.
JAKE
Hey.
DANE
Hey.
JAKE
Whats going on?
DANE
I was just in the neighborhood, and
I though Id stop by.
JAKE
Youre always in the neighborhood.
We live in the same building.

12.

DANE
May I come in?
JAKE
If you can tolerate the mess.
DANE
Not only can I tolerate it, I can
contribute to it.
He takes off his shirt and throws it into the room.
GINA (25, attractive) walks by the hall and sees them.
DANE
Gina.
GINA
Uh. Hi, Dane.
DANE
This isnt what it looks like. Hes
my brother, and we were just having
a contest to see who has the best
back muscles.
GINA
I know hes your brother.
(to Jake)
Hi, Jake.
JAKE
Hi.
DANE
(to Gina)
So, do you want to join the
contest? All you have to do is take
off your shirt, drink three shots
of tequila, and dance on a pole.
GINA
I think Ill pass. You two have
fun.
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT
(Later)
Jake and Dane are sitting on a sofa. Dane is still
shirtless, and hes playing the NES video game Mega Man 2.

13.

DANE
Dont you think its time for you
to upgrade from your 1983 Nintendo
Entertainment System?
JAKE
Dont you think its time for you
to put on a shirt?
DANE
Take over.
Dane hands Jake the controller, and Jake starts playing.
Dane gets up, walks over to his shirt, and starts putting it
on.
JAKE
How come youre not hanging out
with Brooke?
DANE
We broke up.
JAKE
Oh. Is it that time of the year?
Dane sits down.
DANE
She wanted to move in with me, and
I couldnt wiggle my way out of it.
And she broke up with me. Can you
believe her?
JAKE
Seriously. Whats her problem?
DANE
I dont know.
JAKE
You dont know? Youre her problem.
DANE
I know.
JAKE
Just ask her to move in with you.
DANE
No.

14.

JAKE
Why not?
DANE
Look at me. What do you see?
He pauses the game and looks at Dane.
DANE
Stripes. Im a tiger. And tigers
live alone.
Jake unpauses the game.
DANE
Werent you supposed to go out with
Brookes cousin last night?
JAKE
I did.
DANE
How did it go?
JAKE
Shes kind of annoying.
DANE
But if you date her, then you can
help me get back together with
Brooke.
JAKE
Youre gonna end up getting back
together with Brooke, anyways.
DANE
I might need something extra this
time. Did you know that Brooke is
35?
JAKE
Yeah.
DANE
Well. Its news to me. How am I
supposed to win her back?
JAKE
Have her move in with you.

15.

DANE
I have stripes! ... You know
what?Brookes friend Karen just got
divorced. Ill set you up with her.
JAKE
No thanks.
DANE
Why not?
JAKE
Well. For starters, shes divorced.
DANE
So are you.
JAKE
Shes freshly divorced. Theres a
big difference between women like
that, and women whove marinated in
divorced-ness for at least a year.
Freshly divorced woman are crazy
cookies. They havent been
marinated.
DANE
Who the hell marinates cookies?
JAKE
The cookies and the marination are
two separate metaphors. But you get
my point.
DANE
Your point is that instead of going
out with Karen, you want to sit
here, eat Hot Pockets, and play
Mega Man?
JAKE
Yes. I mean, whats the point of
dating? Ive been on five dates
over the past year, and none of
them have gotten me anywhere.
DANE
I thought you said you slept with
that other girl. The redhead.
JAKE
But we didnt have a connection.
Im looking for a connection with
(MORE)

16.

JAKE (contd)
someone--like the connection you
have with Brooke.
DANE
I broke up with Brooke.
JAKE
But you guys have a connection. Im
looking for a connection.
DANE
Um. You kind of sound like a woman
right now.
INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Owen is walking out the door. Cassie sees him. Shes in her
sleeping clothes, and hes wearing a shirt and slacks.
CASSIE
Where the hell are you going? We
agreed that you wouldnt go to work
today.
OWEN
It, uh--Im just going to Dennys,
for a Saturday morning breakfast.
CASSIE
Since when do you eat breakfast at
Dennys? You usually eat two
untoasted Pop Tarts in your office.
OWEN
Honey--Im going to Dennys.
CASSIE
Fine. Ill go with you. Wait for a
few minutes while I go shower and
get dressed.
OWEN
Cassie--Im very hungry. I need to
go to Dennys right now.
CASSIE
Oh. Well I didnt realize that you
were addicted to Rooty-Tootie-Fresh
n Fruities.

17.

OWEN
I just like them a lot. Bye.
CASSIE
Dennys doesnt even have the Rooty
Tootie Fresh n Fruity. IHOP
does. Youve never even been in a
Dennys before!
OWEN
Honey--I dont see what the big
deal is. I just want to go to my
office for a few hours. Its not
like Im having an affair, or Im
doing heroin, or Im voting for
Democrats.
CASSIE
You might as well have an affair.
Because youre basically cheating
on me with your office. You have an
intimate relationship with it.
OWEN
Honey. Listen. Im gonna go to my
office, and keep my pants on the
entire time.
HAYDEN (6) walks into the room.
HAYDEN
Mommy. Can I have French toast for
breakfast?
CASSIE
Actually, your father is gonna take
all of us to Dennys for breakfast.
(to Owen)
Right, honey?
OWEN
Well. Can we go to IHOP instead?
INT. CINDY AND JIMS HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
JIM (38) and CINDY (38) are eating breakfast.
CINDY
Im nervous. Are you nervous?

18.

JIM
About what?
CINDY
Lunch.
JIM
Um. Right now Im focused more on
breakfast.
CINDY
But this is gonna be our first time
playing matchmaker.
JIM
What about the time we set up Chloe
and Johnny?
CINDY
Are you referring to Chloe our four
year old daughter, and Johnny her
playdate?
JIM
Im referring to Chloe the female,
and Johnny her male companion. We
made a match.
CINDY
And their relationship lasted a
very impressive 20 minutes, thanks
to that peanut butter sandwich that
Johnny threw at Chloes face.
JIM
20 minutes is a long time for four
year old.
CINDY
I really hope Susan and Tom hit it
off.
JIM
Next time lets play matchmaker for
one of my brothers, instead of one
of my friends.
CINDY
Im not setting up anyone with
Dane. Hes the type of guy who ends
up throwing peanut butter
sandwiches at his dates.

19.

JIM
And what about Jake?
CINDY
Jake is currently in a relationship
with his sofa.
JIM
Well whos this friend of yours,
anyways? How come Ive never met
her?
CINDY
After college, she moved to Florida
with her husband. Then she got
remarried and moved to Cleveland.
And then she moved back here.
JIM
So shes been divorced twice.
CINDY
Technically, yes.
JIM
But shes not, like, a difficult
person--is she?
CINDY
Technically, sort of. But shes
also a lot of fun.
JIM
Technically, she sounds like a pain
in the ass.
CINDY
Shes a lot of fun. Usually.
Technically. Tom will like her. And
lets not forget that the date will
be accompanied by the magic
ingredient.
JIM
Alcohol?
CINDY
Happy marriages. Theyll be two
happily married couples at the
table.

20.

JIM
What do you mean? What happily
married couple will be here aside
from Ryan and Charlotte?
CINDY
Us!
JIM
Oh. Right.
INT. - RYAN AND CHARLOTTES HOME - DAY
Charlotte shows Ryan a milk carton.
CHARLOTTE
Ryan! You left an empty milk carton
in the refrigerator!
He grabs the carton, and throws it in the trash.
RYAN
Problem solved. You can calm down
now.
CHARLOTTE
I love you.
She kisses him on the lips.
RYAN
I love you, too.
She then walks away, takes the milk carton out of the trash
without Ryan noticing, and she throws it at his head.
RYAN
You have a weird way of showing
love.
CHARLOTTE
By the way--we need to be at
Cassies house at 2.
RYAN
Right. So we can fix Tom up with
Cassies friend. Cant we just
leave Tom alone, and let him enjoy
being free and single?

21.

CHARLOTTE
What do you mean free and single?
RYAN
Well. I meant that when youre in
your 40s, being in a serious
relationship with a woman is like
doing time in prison. Unless that
woman happens to be perfect, like
you.
Hannah walks in.
HANNAH
Bye mom. Bye dad.
RYAN
Where are you going?
HANNAH
To the mall with John.
RYAN
I think you should go out with
Tucker instead.
HANNAH
Dad. Can you please stop this whole
reverse psychology thing? OK? I
like John. You dont need to
manipulate me into seeing him.
RYAN
Great. ... You know, I think this
is the day hes gonna tell you that
he loves you.
HANNAH
Um. Well. I dont know if were at
that stage yet.
RYAN
Honey. Youre a great girl, and
John loves you. And if he doesnt,
then that just means you need to
work on yourself a little.

22.

INT. CINDY AND JIMS HOME - DAY

Ryan, Charlotte, Jim, Cindy, TOM (38), and SUSAN (38) are
seated at a dining table with filled wine glasses.
JIM
So Susan. My wife tells me that in
high school, you were voted most
likely to succeed.
SUSAN
Yeah. They shouldve named me most
likely to divorce.
CINDY
Susan--are you sure you want to
start off your date by talking
about divorces?
SUSAN
Oh. Right. How silly of me.
(to Tom)
When should I talk about my
divorces, Tom? How about on our
second date, right after we have
sex?
TOM
(half taken aback, half
joking)
Um. Well, after sex, I usually like
to talk about my feelings.
SUSAN
Well. I like to talk about how much
I hate men.
(to everyone)
So. What do you guys like to do
after sex?
RYAN
I like to cuddle.
CHARLOTTE
Lets change the subject.
SUSAN
OK. Tom. Why did you get
divorced. Because youre impossible
to live with, or because your
ex-wife is impossible to live with?

23.
TOM
Um. My ex-wife.
SUSAN
Bullshit. You sound just like my
first husband.
CHARLOTTE
Lets change the subject.
JIM
I got one. In high school, Tom was
voted best athlete.
(to Cindy)
Thats a good topic--right honey?
SUSAN
(to Tom)
What sports did you play?
TOM
Track and baseball.
SUSAN
Wow. What a small world. My second
ex-husband loves baseball. He used
to watch it every night, so he
wouldnt have to pay attention to
me. So, uh--what position did you
play?
RYAN
Dont answer that question, Tom.
Im pretty sure its a trap.
INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Owen and Cassie are seated on a sofa. Hayden, Jessica (5),
and Jenna (3) are on the floor playing a game.
OWEN
(to Cassie)
OK. Im home. On a weekend. Im not
at work.
CASSIE
Well. Congratulations. But while
youre here, can you be more here?
OWEN
How can I be more here? Im here.
Therefore, Im here. Here ergo
here.

24.
CASSIE
Being here doesnt mean youre
present.
OWEN
So Im here but Im not present?
CASSIE
Sort of.
OWEN
How about I go somewhere else? Will
that make me present but not here?
CASSIE
You have to be here to be present.
OWEN
I am here.
CASSIE
But youre not present. Put your
phone in another room, so you wont
keep on emailing and texting.
OWEN
Honey. Its just a phone. Its no
big deal.
CASSIE
Give it to me.
OWEN
No.
She tries grabbing it.
They start wrestling.
CASSIE
Kids! Help me get daddys phone.
Hayden, Jessica, and Jenna join in.
INT. JIM AND CINDYS HOME

(KITCHEN) - DAY

Cindy and Jim are looking through the wine bottles in a

cabinet.
JIM
So. I was just wondering. Do yo
have any commentary on whats going
on in that other room?

25.

CINDY
Well. Lets just say fixing up two
divorced people isnt really an
exact science.
JIM
Yeah. Because sometimes one of them
starts off a date by reciting her
anti-man manifesto. What the hell
is with your friend?
CINDY
I dont know. Shes usually not
this bitchy.
JIM
Well how bitchy is she usually?
CINDY
Like maybe a third of what shes
been today. Sometimes more, though.
JIM
Great. The next time we play
matchmaker, Im instituting a "no
bitch" policy.
Cindy grabs a couple of wine bottles.
CINDY
Well. Like I said before, Susans
actually a lot of fun.
JIM
How is she fun? Does she juggle ice
cubes?
CINDY
She has a fun personality.
Sometimes. ... I cant believe the
six of us have already finished two
bottles of wine.
JIM
How can you not believe that? Every
word that comes out of that womans
mouth makes we want to drink a
gallon of wine.
Jim walks out with the two wine bottles.

26.
JIM (OS)
OK. Who wants more wine?
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (NEAR TRASH CHUTE) - DAY
Dane throws his trash down the chute. Jake walks over to the
chute with a bag of trash.
JAKE
What up?
DANE
Hey.
Jake throws his trash down the chute.
JAKE
Can I talk to you for a second?
DANE
Yes. You dont need to ask my
permission.
JAKE
Well. I meant, can I talk to you in
private.
DANE
You dont want the trash to hear?
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - DAY
JAKE
I saw Gina last night.
DANE
I know. I saw her, too. I was there
with you.
JAKE
No. I mean after that. I saw her
again.
DANE
OK? And?
JAKE
And I dont really have a
connection with her. But last
night. You know. I saw her. I saw
her upper back. And more.

27.

DANE
You slept with her?
JAKE
Well. I didnt mean to. I was just
at the trash chute, and she was
there, and she asked me for help
with some new toaster she bought.
So I went to her apartment, and I
set up her toaster, and we started
talking about a Jeaneanne Garafalo
movie, and then she told me
something about how she plays the
cello.
DANE
... And?
JAKE
And thats it.
DANE
What about the part where you slept
with her?
JAKE
Right. That happened after we
talked about her cello. And, um,
then I spent the night there. And
when we got up, we had some toast.
She said she didnt have to be
anywhere until 2. So I told her I
had to go to work. And I left. I
went to Dunkin Donuts.
DANE
Good thinking. The next time Im
avoiding a woman Ive slept with,
Ill go to Dunkin Donuts, too. Let
me just ask one question. How come
Gina has never asked me to set up
her toaster?
JAKE
I gotta move to a new building.
DANE
Why?
JAKE
Because Im gonna come across Gina
over and over again in the
hallways, and the elevator, and the
(MORE)

28.
JAKE (contd)
laundry room, and near the
mailboxes.
DANE
So. Just keep on sleeping with her.
JAKE
But my conversation with her last
night wasnt that great--and our
morning conversation was even
worse. I dont have a connection
with her. I live six doors down
from a woman I had a one night
stand with. I dont want to keep
coming across her.
DANE
Bro--just... whatever.
JAKE
Thats a great suggestion, Dane.
DANE
Just tell her something like, "I
like you, and last night was
great--but I had just broken up
with my girlfriend that afternoon.
And now Im back together with her.
Weve been dating for three years."
JAKE
But there is no girlfriend. And
last night wasnt great. There was
no connection.
DANE
Um. Have you ever heard of
something called lying? Lying is
the WD-40 that you use on all of
your relationships, so they run
smoothly.
JAKE
So now I have to create a fake
relationship, and maintain it every
day in front of Gina?
DANE
What do you mean every day? You
dont chat with your neighbors
every day for three hours. This
isnt 227.

29.

JAKE
227?
DANE
Its an African American sitcom
that ran during the late 80s and
early 90s. The point is, just
mention your girlfriend to Gina
once, and thatll do the job.
JAKE
OK. That settles it. Im moving out
of here.
INT. JIM AND CINDYS HOME (DINING ROOM) - DAY
TOM
(to Susan)
You know--we have something else in
common. My ex-wife used to watch a
lot of TV--just like your
ex-husband. She didnt watch
baseball, though. She watched
Friends. You know. The show with
that asshole woman Rachel.
SUSAN
The biggest assholes on that show
are the three guys.
JIM
(quietly to Cindy)
She thinks Chandler is an asshole.
CINDY
(to Ryan and Charlotte)
So uh--Charlotte, Ryan. Youre a
happily married couple. With kids.
How are your kids?
RYAN
Good. Hannahs engaged.
CINDY
Shes what?
RYAN
(to Cindy)
Well. Shes not engaged. Shes with
a guy were gonna force her to get
engaged to.

30.

CINDY
I see. I didnt know you were into
arranged marriages.
CHARLOTTE
Were not gonna force her. Were
gonna encourage her. And maybe
offer John a dowry of some sort.
RYAN
Im gonna use force. Because I
think I love John. And I know I
hate everyone pre-John.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. Im not too fond of the
pre-Johns.
SUSAN
I take it that your daughter has
had a few bad boyfriends.
RYAN
Oh yeah. For a while, she was
dating this awful Guadalajaran boy
named Fernando.
CINDY
Ryan--you sound a little
inebriated.
RYAN
The point is, John. is the one And
thats not the inebriation talking.
SUSAN
John does seem like a great guy.
RYAN
Um. Do you know John?
SUSAN
Lets just say Im familiar with
guys who seem like great guys.
RYAN
But, you know. John... is John.
SUSAN
Is he?

31.

RYAN
Charlotte--is John John?
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY (NEAR ELEVATOR) - NIGHT
Jake is waiting for the elevator. It opens to reveal Gina.
GINA
Hi.
JAKE
Hi.
She walks out of the elevator. Jake remains in the hallway.
GINA
Hows it going?
JAKE
Im moving.
GINA
Youre moving?
JAKE
No. What I meant to say was, I have
a girlfriend.
GINA
I see.
JAKE
Yeah. My girlfriend. She, uh, she
has black hair. Light black. Dark
brown. Or light black. You can call
it light black. Or dark brown. Its
sort of in between light black and
dark brown. I think on her drivers
license, it says brown. Or
black. And, you know, youre great,
and I had a really good time with
you. But last night, I had just
broken up with my girlfriend.
GINA
The one with dark brown hair?
JAKE
Yeah. We broke up yesterday. At 2
oclock. 2:15. And then we got back
together today. At 5:30. You know.
Weve been together for three
(MORE)

32.

JAKE (contd)
years. We met on a Wednesday. Hows
your toaster doing, by the way?
GINA
My toaster is fine. Thanks for
asking.
JAKE
Yeah. So, uh, I saw my girlfriend
after I was with you. And we got
back together. But it had nothing
to do with you. Youre great. I
know that sometimes a woman dates a
guy, and then he announces that
hes gay, and then the woman thinks
she turned him gay. But thats not
what happened in this case.
GINA
Youre gay?
JAKE
No. Im just saying, its not like
after I hung out with you, I
thought, "You know what? I should
get back together with my
girlfriend." I had a great time
with you, and then I got back
together with my girlfriend. And in
both instances, I was straight. I
find you very attractive, and I
think youre great. I actually
prefer you to my girlfriend. Well,
I mean, I, um.... Im moving.
Maybe. I might move. ... So, uh--if
you have any problems with your
toaster, just spray it with some
WD-40.
INT. OWEN AND CASSIES HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
OWEN
I havent been to the office in 20
hours.
CASSIE
And how does that feel?
OWEN
It feels good. I had a good time
with you and the kids. But, the
(MORE)

33.

OWEN (contd)
thing is, not going to work--it
feels bad. But being with you and
the kids feels great. But, you
know. I have an office, and work,
and uh... I mean, the thing is,
maybe I do have a little bit of an
addiction.
CASSIE
OK. Now repeat after me. "Hi, Im
Owen, and Im a workaholic."
OWEN
Fine. Im a workaholic. I admit it.
What do you want me to do?
CASSIE
Work less.
OWEN
Well. Ill try to come home at 9
oclock every once in a while.
CASSIE
7:30, twice a week. And youll go
to a workaholics anonymous meeting
once a week. And were going to
IHOP next Saturday.
OWEN
Ill do you one better. Ill take
you to McDonalds for breakfast.
But Im not going to a Workaholics
Anonymous meeting. I mean, theres
no such thing as a workaholic.
CASSIE
You just said you were a
workaholic.
OWEN
Dont worry about what I said!
INT. JAKES APARTMENT - NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Jake opens it to reveal Dane.
DANE
Whats up, bro? Check it out.
(he holds up a Nintendo game)
(MORE)

34.

DANE (contd)
I got you a new Nintendo game. I
was at a friends house, and he had
it in a box of old stuff.
(Cut to later)
Jake and Dane are playing Nintendo.
JAKE
I talked to Gina.
DANE
How did it go?
JAKE
Um. Pretty good. By the way, if she
asks, I have a girlfriend with dark
brown hair. Or light black.
The phone rings three time, and it caller ID announces:
PHONE (CALLER ID)
Call from, Alex Johnson. Call from,
Alex Johnson.
DANE
Dont you have to answer that?
JAKE
No.
DANE
But hes your business partner. He
might want to discuss... business.
JAKE
Yeah. The hell with him. He already
tried my cell. He always want to
talk about some stupid stuff that
we dont even need to talk about.
So I just avoid his calls.
DANE
Dude--why dont you just sell your
part of the business, and come to
work for us?
JAKE
No thanks.

35.
DANE
You can be Vice President, like me.
JAKE
Vice President, like you? You mean
the type of Vice President who goes
to the beach instead of going to
the office?
DANE
Or you can be President, like Owen,
Ryan, and Jim.
JAKE
Look. I love all four of you. But I
dont want to be around you all
day.
DANE
You wont have to be around me all
day. I only go to work twice a
month. And I usually spend the
entire time smoking cigars.
JAKE
Right. But the three of them are
there a lot. Especially Owen. Id
rather listen to my partner talk
about stupid stuff, than hear Owen
talk about legitimate work.
INT. - RYAN AND CHARLOTTES HOME - NIGHT
Charlotte gets off the phone. Ryan is in the room.
CHARLOTTE
That was Cindy. Apparently, Tom and
Susan ended up hitting it off not
long after they left.
RYAN
How is that possible? How is it
possible that any man could hit it
off with Susan? How is it possible
that Susans two ex-husbands arent
in prison for murdering her?
CHARLOTTE
Its like the French say: "Je ne
baton, ze te croissant, be le be
law." Love works in mysterious
ways.

36.

RYAN
You speak French?
CHARLOTTE
I speak the language of love.
French gibberish.
RYAN
Right. Well. I guess Susan was
wrong about men. Some of the ones
who seem like great guys are great
guys.
CHARLOTTE
Except for you. You seem like a
great guy, and youre actually a
perfect guy.
She kisses him.
CHARLOTTE
By the way--stop putting empty milk
cartons in the refrigerator.
Hannah walks in.
RYAN
So how was your date?
HANNAH
Lets just say the date was very
educational.
CHARLOTTE
Educational? Uh... How so? Did he
teach you about the War of 1812?
HANNAH
I learned some stuff about John.
RYAN
Um. Does he have a tattoo?
HANNAH
He has a wife.
RYAN
Wait. The two of you eloped?
HANNAH
Im not his wife, daddy. Hes
married to someone else.

37.

CHARLOTTE
I see. Honey. Im sorry. Dont
worry. Youre gonna find someone
much better.
RYAN
(to Hannah)
I think you should continue seeing
John.
CHARLOTTE
Ryan!
RYAN
Im just saying. If you stop and
weigh the pros and cons, youll see
that the whole "hes married" thing
isnt really a dealbreaker. He
might leave his wife.
CHARLOTTE
Ryan!
HANNAH
Daddy. I know how much you love
John. But Im done with him. Ill
find someone else.
RYAN
Well. ... OK. But you gotta know
where to find the best guys. Stay
away from sleazy bars. And college
parties. And the city of
Guadalajara. You might run into
Fernando.