A sUBER Good Time

By
Adam Benjamin

Workaholics, Comedy Central

4812 Craig Ave

Metairie, LA 70003
504-952-1902
adamgbenjamin@gmail.com

INT. ALICES OFFICE.

ALICE panics at her desk as her phone and email are going
off uncontrollably.
ALICE (TO HERSELF)
Where is Anders?
She dials ANDERS work number and his phone rings.
DERS (VOICEMAIL)
Hi, this is Anders, usually I would
love to converse with you. However,
today I am unavailable due to a
prior engagement.
ALICE
Prior engagement?
She dials ADAMs work phone.
INT. BLANK ROOM IN THE OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Ders, Adam, and BLAKE sit around, drink beer, laugh, and
make funny faces. Adams phone goes through an abbreviated
ring cycle.
ADAM (VOICEMAIL)
Whats up its Adam, Im
ba-ba-ba-busy today so call back
another time.
Alice becomes enraged. She dials Blakes work number and his
phone goes straight to voicemail.
BLAKE (VOICEMAIL)
Hi, this is Blake and today (Blake
whispers, "what are we saying?")
(pause) Today Im booked all day at
the JcPennys convention downtown.
Wait whyINT. ALICES OFFICE. - CONTINUOUS
Alice slams the phone down before Blakes voicemail is
finished. She storms out of her office and goes to the guys
cubicle where they arent present. Alice exhales and heads
for the bathroom.

2.
INT. MENS BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
She busts open the mens bathroom door to find WAYMOND
gently touching himself in front of a urinal.
ALICE
(screams)
Waymond looks at her, continues, then looks at her again.
WAYMOND
(screams)
Alice leaves the bathroom traumatized. She starts
aggressively opening all of the doors she sees.
INT. BLANK ROOM IN THE OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
Ders, Adam, and Blake are all sitting in chairs, each
nursing a beer, watching a recording of the Daytona 500 on a
30-inch television.
ADAM
Another lap.
Adam and Ders swing back their beers.
BLAKE
Arent there 500 laps in this?
DERS
Will you chill out? Were only on
lap 4.
The guys stare at the TV.
ADAM (TO BLAKE)
All Im saying is, if she had a
yeast infection, I wouldnt even
add her on LinkedIn.
BLAKE (TO ADAM)
Not even for the connection?
On the TV, two cars get into an ugly crash.
ADAM
BOOM!
DERS AND BLAKE
Woah.
Adam stands up with a shot of tequila.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

ADAM
Ladies, we have our first crash.
Grab a shot of tequila!
Ders and Blake stand up. All three stand in a circle as if
theyre giving a toast.
ADAM
We gather here today in memory ofAdam glances at the TV.
ADAM
That car...and its sick paint job.
To the paint job!
BLAKE AND DERS
To the paint job!
All three guys down the shot and grimace. They then focus
their attention back on the TV.
BLAKE
Pit stop! You know what that means.
DERS
No, I dont believe we do.
Blake reaches on the floor and grabs a blow up doll with
Danica Patricks face taped to it.
DERS (CONT)
Oh no, you shouldnt have.
ADAM
This is perfect.
BLAKE
Just wait.
Blake picks up an old boombox.
BLAKE
Thought Id give this bad boy
another run.
Blake sets the boombox on the table and hits play.
"Confessions Part II" by Usher begins playing.
DERS
Uh oh.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.
ADAM
Part 2. How did you know?

Blake begins dancing with the doll. Adam struts over to the
dancing couple.
ADAM (CONT)
May I share this moment with you?
BLAKE
Hell yeah!
ADAM
Wasnt talking to you.
Adam places his index finger on the dolls mouth. Adam and
Blake hump the doll from both sides.
DERS
Get it! Yeah, get it!
Alice busts open the door.
ALICE
What the fuck!?!?! What the fuck
are you guys doing?!
The guys freeze.
DERS
Yeah! Whats going on here!?!?
ADAM
We were actually just dancing with
someone we admire.
ALICE
How did you even find this place?!
A prior engagement, Anders?
DERS
I can explainALICE
Blakes voicemessage explained for
itself.
Blake steps forward.
BLAKE
I can explain.
Alice crosses her arms.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

ALICE
Go ahead.
Blake shrugs and looks down.
BLAKE
I mean...we wereALICE
My office, right now!
DERS
All of us?
ALICE
Yes, now!
ADAM
At the same time?
Adam winks while thrusting his hips. Alice grabs Adam by the
ear and begins dragging him to her office.
ADAM
Owww Owww stop!
MAIN TITLES:
END OF COLD OPEN
INT. OUTSIDE ALICES OFFICE
Ders sits outside while Adam and Blake are in the office.
Adam and Blake walk out of the office.
DERS
Whats the dealio?
Adam turns to Blake.
ADAM
You tell him.
BLAKE
Why me?
Ders playfully smiles.
DERS
Whats going on?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

BLAKE
Were suspended without pay for the
rest of the week. Something about
sexual harassment in the workplace.
DERS
Its just a doll!
ADAM
Thats what I said! Its the face
that got us.
BLAKE
I knew I shouldve used Jeff
Gordons face.
DERS
Damnit Danica...(beat) its only 4
days without pay. Cmon thats not
so bad!
Adam and Blake look away.
DERS (CONT)
I know this is hard on both of you,
but there are plenty of ways to
make easy cash that Id be happy to
teach you both.
Blake starts chuckling.
BLAKE
Youre suspended too..
Anders chuckles along with Blake.
DERS
Youre kidding.
ADAM
You were with us the whole time.
Anders gets into Adams face, followed by Blakes.
DERS
But it wasnt my idea! I didnt do
the humping! Im number one in
sales in this entire office. See
this back?
Ders hunches over, points to his back, and begins to walk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

DERS (CONT)
Im carrying the team right here.
They cant let me go.
ADAM
Well, I guess were all gonna have
to figure something out.
Anders points to Adam.
DERS
No, youre wrong. (beat) If Im
suspended, why did I stay out here
while you both went into the
office?
BLAKE
Theres only two chairs in there.
DERS
Thats it. Im out. To hell with
all of these hip-hop handshakes and
r&b fist-bumps. I need to move on
with my life.
Ders sits down and put his head in his hands.
MONTAGE
Ders graduates high school, moves into college, and says
goodbye to his parents. Before leaving, his dad tells him
"Im so proud of you, I know you wont let us down."
INT. OUTSIDE ALICES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Adam and Blake stand over Ders.
DERS (CONT)
Can I have some privacy here?
Jesus!
ADAM
Oh yeah. Thats cool.
BLAKE
Totally cool yeah.
Adam and Blake start walking away.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

ADAM
Privacy with Jesus? Im not going
to ask questions.
Adam turns back to Ders.
ADAM (CONT)
Car Keys?
DERS
Are you really going to ask for a
ride right now?
Adam and Blake leave the office. Ders pulls his hair.
DERS (TO HIMSELF)
Im just wasting my life.
Ders gets up. He turns around and punches the wall, hitting
a thumbtack.
DERS
(grimaces)
Ders grabs his hand in pain. He stares at the flyer on the
wall.
DERS
What do we have here?
The flyer reads, "Want to make some easy cash? Learn how to
become an Uber Driver! Report to Palm Springs International
Airport for Uber Driver Training Orientation. Fridays at
noon." Ders rips off a contact information slip.
EXT. FAR SHOT OF THEIR HOUSE
Fast forward of the sun coming down, the moon rising up, and
then the sun coming back up. Ders car leaves the driveway
and then the Grape Van arrives.
INT. THEIR KITCHEN
Adam, Blake and KARL are in the middle of the kitchen.
KARL
So he just left?
ADAM
Hes been really down ever since we
got suspended from work.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

Karl spots a warm, half-eaten cheese stick on the counter

and puts it in his mouth.
KARL
Whered he go?
ADAM
We dont know.
BLAKE
He seemed serious when he said hes
moving on.
ADAM
Ive never seen him like that.
Adam begins breaking down.
ADAM
I thought someone would have warned
me before this happened.
BLAKE
This is all my fault. I brought the
doll and thenKARL
Listen. Are we just going to sit
here with our dicks still in our
pants or are we going to look for
some clues?
Blake stands up and nods his head.
BLAKE
Karls right.
ADAM
(claps) Lets do it.
The guys split up. Adam walks into Ders room and scans the
room with his hands ready to grab anything in sight.
ADAM
If I were Ders, I would put all of
my secrets...on my dresser because
Im so professional!
Adam gets on his back with his chest facing the bottom of
the desk as if he were repairing a car. Blake and Karl stop
and watch Adam.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

ADAM
Gotta start from the bottom. Drake
taught me that.
Blake approaches the desk and fumbles through all of the
papers. He stumbles upon a yellow post-it note and reads
what is on the note.
BLAKE
6 fashion mistakes you cant afford
to make. Cutting your nails: a
how-to guide. Paying taxes:
Overrated or Nah?
KARL
Ive never seen a suicide note like
this.
BLAKE
Is he trying to tell us something?
ADAM
It sounds like hes trying to write
for Buzzfeed. (chuckles) Did anyone
check the roof yet?
Adam begins walking away.
BLAKE
Stop. We need to figure out his
motive.
ADAM
Someones been watching Law and
Order...
BLAKE
Criminal Intent. Never got into
SVU.
Blake reaches for his small notepad in his back-pocket and
begins jotting notes down.
BLAKE
Ders wants to be a writer.
ADAM
Nice try Goren. These are writing
samples for when he applies to be a
social studies teacher. I can sense
it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.
KARL
For high schoolers?
ADAM
4th grade.
BLAKE
Ders isnt a teacher. Hes a writer
and hes going to be a columnist
for Playboy magazine.
KARL
Im pretty sure its just pictures.
BLAKE
Nope! I read the articles, and so
does Ders! That was the first thing
I learned we had in common.
ADAM
The thought of reading when given
that magazine is making my head
hurt. Doesnt matter because,
youre wrong.
BLAKE
What makes you so sure of yourself?
Anyone can be a 4th grade social
studies teacher.
ADAM
How dare you say that. Ms.
Lowenstein was not like anyone else
I know in the entire world.
BLAKE
Karl, is Ders a social studies
teacher, or a writer for playboy?
KARL
He could be both.

Adam and Blake brush off the comment and resume looking for
clues.
BLAKE
Yeah, ok.
KARL
What if hes a 4th grade social
studies teacher during the day, and
writes for playboy in his free
time.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12.
ADAM
That would make for a revolutionary
insight into teacher-student
roleplay.
BLAKE
Karl, thats brilliant.
ADAM
Were off to a good start. Lets
keep looking for clues, boys.

Karl scans the desk and picks up a thin strip of paper. The
strip of paper reading, "Contact Information: 623-972-1403"
blends into a bunch of random symbols as Karl tries to read
it.
KARL
Guys, I think I found something.
Its some kind of code.
Adam grabs the strip from Karl.
ADAM
Oh this is good. We need to call
this number. I bet hes already
tutoring some munchinks.
Blake rips it from Adams hand.
BLAKE
This could be Hugh Hefner.
ADAM
No way, Hefners number wouldnt be
on a thin slit of paper.
BLAKE
Youre right, I bet itd be
engraved inside one of those
designer fleshlights.
KARL
Id kill for one of those.
ADAM
Lets call it.
BLAKE
And give ourselves away? We cant
do that. We need to follow him
step-by-step and then, we catch him
in the act.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

13.

ADAM
Hes not a child sex offender.
KARL
No, but how do you think all child
sex offenders start off?
BLAKE
Thats a good point.
ADAM
Damn, Karl. Youre on fire today.
KARL
Thats why Im here.
ADAM
Blakes right. We cant use this
yet.
BLAKE
But where would Ders go?
ADAM
I bet hes at that coffee shop
pretending to read the newspaper
while he just uses his phone.
BLAKE
Why does he do that anyways?
KARL
I think its pretty badass.
Adam stands up and points towards the door.
ADAM
To the coffee shop! I said it once,
and Ill say it again, "we gotta
find that boy."
CLOSE ON: Vintage picture of Ders, Blake, and Adam on the
fridge. Camera focuses on Ders.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:

14.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE COFFEE SHOP

Blake, Adam, and Karls heads are peeking outside the coffee
shop corner. Karls head is on top, followed by Blakes head
in the middle, and Adams on the bottom.
BLAKE
Where is he?
All of their eyes scan the area.
ADAM
Found him! Winner-winner Chai-latte
dinner.
Ders sits with his legs crossed in the coffee shop with a
newspaper in front of him as he scrolls on his phone. A
small cup of coffee is on the table.
BLAKE
Oh wow, you called it. Hes not
even reading the newspaper. I dont
get it.
KARL
Hey guys, look up.
Blake and Adam look up at Karl whos looking down on them.
KARL (CONT)
Boobies.
BLAKE
Damnit Karl, this is serious.
ADAM
Are we just going to stay like this
until he leaves?
KARL
Im comfortable.
Ders stands up and folds the newspaper.
ADAM
Guys, guys, hes leaving!
BLAKE
Whats he doing with the newspaper?
Ders stands above the compost and trash bins with his
newspaper and a puzzled look on his face.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15.
ADAM
Cmon compost it!

Ders places the newspaper in the trash bin.

BLAKE
Damnit Ders...such a waste.
ADAM
Worst Social Studies teacher ever.
KARL
Shame.
ADAM
Oh ok, here he comes!
Adam jets for the Grape Van behind Karl and Blake.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - CONTINUOUS
They all pack into the van. Karl is driving, Adam is sitting
in the passengers seat, and Blake is in the back. Ders
walks out of the coffee shop and gets into his car.
ADAM
Get ready boys. Our lives wont be
the same.
Ders starts his car and begins moving. Karl follows behind
him.
ADAM
We cant just tailgate right behind
him. We have to be more cautious.
BLAKE
Yeah, we have to keep a horses
distance.
KARL
I dont see any horses.
BLAKE
No, you have to pretend theres at
least one horse in between you and
the other car. I learned it at
church camp.
KARL
It says that in the Bible?
Adam points to a car on the highway.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

ADAM
Just get behind that car.
Pause.
BLAKE
I dont know guys, what if were
wrong? What if this is bigger than
just the teacher thing? What if the
mafia is involved? They would kill
me and take my hair.
Adam turns around to face Blake and reaches out his hand.
ADAM
Ill protect you.
Blake reaches for Adams hand and holds it for a second.
Karl stares blankly ahead at the road as he blows a bubble
with his pink gum.
KARL
Here we go guys.
BLAKE
Whats up? Did we find out where
hes going?
KARL
I just blew a sick bubble. Did you
seeA sign indicating that the airport is 1 mile away appears
and quickly passes under them.
ADAM
Looks like were going to the
airport.
BLAKE
Is he leaving for good?
ADAM
But all of his stuff is still at
our place.
BLAKE
Maybe hes leaving us all behind
and creating a new identity. People
do that.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17.

ADAM
Hell keep his name.
BLAKE
Mr. Holmvik? Thats a
tounge-twister for 3rd graDers.
ADAM
Its 4th graDers. And hell be Mr.
H. Guarantee it.
Ders car slows down along the outside of the airport and
then comes to a complete stop.
ADAM (CONT)
Hes stopping.
Adam, Blake, and Karl lean in. Ders gets out of his car and
leans against it.
KARL
It doesnt look like hes going
anywhere.
BLAKE
If youre not going anywhere, why
would you go the airport?
ADAM
Is he gonna turn into a taxi
driver?
KARL
His car isnt yellow. Impossible.
ADAM
Hes probably picking up students
at the airport.
KARL
Teachers really go above and beyond
these days.
Medium close-up of Ders leaning against his car and
waving to an old woman as she walks by. The woman walks
away feeling violated. The camera then pans to a large sign
missed by everyone reading "Uber Training Orientation in
Terminal C." Adam, Blake, and Karl remain inside the car
contemplating what to do.
BLAKE
Do we just wait here?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18.

ADAM
And let him get away? Not a
chance.
BLAKE
We need to see this play out.
ADAM
We can bust him right here! NYPD
Style. I wish I had zip ties.
KARL
Zip-ties are in the trunk.
ADAM
Fuck yes!
Ders shakes hands with a MIDDLE AGED MAN wearing a Hawaiian
shirt. Ders opens the backseat door for him and the man gets
into the car.
ADAM
Some old guy just got into the car!
Its probably the students father.
BLAKE
We gotta go! Follow him!
EXT. OUTSIDE AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS
Karl gets out of the van.
BLAKE
Karl, what are you doing?
KARL
Its time we prove ourselves to
Ders. We can responsibly escort
people too! If you dream it, you
can do it!
BLAKE (TO ADAM)
Did he dream about this?
INT. DERS CAR - CONTINUOUS
The man buckles his seatbelt. Ders looks at the man through
his rear view mirror.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

DERS
Ya know, I really like that shirt
you got there.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Take me to Sky Valley please.
DERS
Do you mind me asking where you
scored that shirt? Ive been on the
market for one like it for quite
some time.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
How about I tell you once the ride
is over. Sound fair?
DERS
I like this guy. Making me sweat
this one out. Speaking of which,
hows the air back there? Ill give
you three levels, you tell when to
stop.
Ders slowly intensifies the air conditioning.
DERS
Just tell me when.
MIDDLE AGED MAN
When what?!
Ders sets the air conditioning.
DERS
Figured you were a medium blower.
EXT. OUTSIDE AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS
Karl approaches a TEENAGE GIRL with a backpack and a
suitcase.
KARL (TO GIRL1)
Wanna ride?
Teenage Girl swiftly walks away.
TEENAGE GIRL
Creep.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20.
KARL (TO BLAKE AND ADAM)
She doesnt know what shes
missing.

An ELDERLY MAN walks past Karl.

KARL
Would you like a ride sir?
The elderly man stops, looks at Karl, then the van, then
back at Karl and shakes his head and walks away. Karl kicks
his tire in frustration. Adam and Blake get out of the car.
ADAM
Woah, easy there Andre the Giant.
They spot a very PREGNANT WOMAN waiting alongside the curb
with two suitcases. Adam puts his arms around Blake and
Karl, forming a huddle.
ADAM
Ders is still in sight. Our time is
now. Fellas, Im going in.
Dramatic music plays non-digetically. Adam breaks from the
huddle and approaches the pregnant woman.
ADAM
Hi maam, my two buddies and I are
offering a free ride today to one
lucky participant. Would you like
to accept our offer? (winks)
PREGNANT WOMAN
No thank you, Im waiting for my
ex-husband.
Adam turns around emotionally scarred and begins walking
towards the van.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Screw it! Count me in!
Adam celebrates as he swiftly grabs her luggage and loads
the van.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Ive got to warn you. Im expecting
any day now. My water mayADAM (HURRIED)
Totally cool, dont worry about a
thing!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

21.

PREGNANT WOMAN
Im not sure if you heard me, myBLAKE (HURRIED)
We got it all under control.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - CONTINUOUS
The pregnant woman gets in the car.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Can you take me to Lakeview?
ADAM
Yes, were on our way!
Karl begins driving.
BLAKE
Aha! I spot Ders!
Blake points him out to Karl.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Who is Ders?
BLAKE
Just our friend were following.
Hes going to Lakeview as well.
ADAM
So tell me about yourself.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Well, my name is Cynthia. Im
originally from Arkansas.
Adam listens intently.
PREGNANT WOMAN
I am a school teacher.
ADAM
Thats crazy, our friend Ders is a
school teacher. Were teachers
together actually. 4th grade.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Well, I am a 7th grade teacher!
Adams fingers begin climbing up her arm.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22.

ADAM
I guess Ill have to work my way up
then!
Adam leans in as they begin to kiss. Blake points to Ders
car as he directs Karl while the two remain kissing in the
backseat.
BLAKE
Hes just right there.
Blake turns around and sees the two making out. Adam takes
his shirt off.
BLAKE (CONT)
All right! Just like his old man!
The Pregnant woman begins to push Adam away. She begins to
panic.
PREGNANT WOMAN
My water is breaking! My water is
breaking!
Adam and Blake begin yelling. Karl glances back confused.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Do something!
ADAM
Uhhh...I dont know!
BLAKE
Adam, you gotta deliver that baby!
Take a deep breath, and introduce
that baby to a whole new world.
Adam takes a deep breath.
ADAM
Hi, my name is Adam, I am going to
be your doctor today.
He extends his hand to the pregnant woman.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Just help me already!
Adam grabs his t-shirt on the floor and ties it around his
head like a bandanna.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

23.

ADAM
Ok, push!
Pregnant woman begins screaming.
KARL (TO BLAKE)
Wheres Ders?
BLAKE
What do you mean wheres Ders?
Youve been following him!
KARL
Ive been waiting for your
directions!
ADAM
Youre doing great. Keep pushing.
Pregnant Woman continues screaming.
INT. DERS CAR - CONTINUOUS
Ders is calmly driving the middle aged man. Ders peeks out
of his rear-view mirror.
DERS
The air back there still good?
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Dont talk to me.
The man looks out his window.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - CONTINUOUS
Blake struggles reading a map while Adam nurses the pregnant
lady in the back of the car.
KARL
Where am I going?
PREGNANT WOMAN
TO THE HOSPITAL!
BLAKE
And were going to the hospital!
Pregnant woman continues to scream in pain.

24.

INT. DERS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Ders sings along to "What a wonderful world," by Louis
Armstrong on the radio.
DERS
I see skies of blue, and clouds of
white.
The man gives Ders a concerned glare. The song then begins
to play non-digetically.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - CONTINUOUS
Blake fumbles while trying to read the map on his phone. As
he flips the phone to read it, the map flips the other way.
ADAM
Keep going! Almost there!
The Pregnant Woman lets out a ferociously long scream. Quick
dramatic cuts between the screaming in The Grape Van and the
tranquility in Ders car ensue.
INT. DERS CAR - CONTINUOUS
DERS
And I think to myself.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - CONTINUOUS
BLAKE
Turn there!
INT. DERS CAR - CONTINUOUS
DERS
What a wonderful
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - SLOW MOTION
Karls eyes widen as he turns into Ders car, rested at a
stop sign. The two cars begin to crash in slow-motion.

25.

INT. DERS CAR - SLOW MOTION

DERS
World.
Ders eyes widen as the impact hits Ders and the middle aged
man.
INT. THE GRAPE VAN - SLOW MOTION
The momentum of the crash provides the extra push the
pregnant lady needs for her baby to be delivered. Adam holds
the baby in his t-shirt and begins to shed a tear. "What a
wonderful world" ends as the screen fades to black.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CRASH
An ambulance rushes to the scene. The EMT approaches the
middle aged man.
EMT
Sir, would you like to be evaluated
at the local hospital?
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Get off me, Im fine. You can
evaluate this idiot driver over
here- too concerned about the air
conditioning to actually drive.
DERS
Hey man, Im into the tough love
thing.
The middle aged man begins walking away.
DERS (CONT)
You never told me where you got
that shirt!
MIDDLE AGED MAN
Go fuck yourself!
DERS (TO EMT)
Whatd he have for breakfast? Am I
right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

26.

Karl approaches Ders car and places his insurance card on

the windshield.
DERS
Im right here, man.
KARL
Whenever I see an accident, I
always leave my insurance card for
good luck.
Karl spots a pen left by the middle aged man in the
backseat. Karl picks up the pen and looks for the man. Karl
spots the man and begins jogging after him.
KARL (CONT)
Sir, you dropped this! (fading)
Sir, you dropped this!
In true heroic fashion, Adam, holding the newborn baby,
unnecessarily kicks open the vans door and helps escort the
pregnant woman out of the vehicle.
ADAM
Cynthia.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Yes, Adam.
ADAM
This experience has brought out
emotions I didnt even know
existed.
The pregnant woman leans in for the kiss. Adam dodges the
kiss.
ADAM (CONT)
I dont think you understand. I
want to spend the rest of my life
with you.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Oh my gosh, we could be a family.
Me. You. AndADAM
And Xylon. Its the first name I
thought of when I held him in my
arms.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

27.

PREGNANT WOMAN
Wow, I dont know what to say. IEMT approaches the pregnant woman urging her to go into the
ambulance.
EMT
Maam, If you could pleaseADAM
I got this chief.
Holding her hand, Adam assists the pregnant woman as she
hops in the back of the ambulance. Adam sits on the edge of
the seat as she reclines.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Im so glad all of this worked out.
ADAM
They say everything happens for a
reason.
Blake points to Adam while getting interviewed by the news
reporter. Adam sees the reporter and the camera crew walking
towards them and becomes alarmed.
PREGNANT WOMAN
What are they doing here?
ADAM
This is my moment.
Adam hops out of the ambulance.
PREGNANT WOMAN
Adam, dont leave! Wait!
The EMT closes the ambulance doors and they take off. The
news reporter begins interviewing Adam.
NEWS REPORTER
What happened here today?
Adam stares at her chest, and then focuses on her name tag.
ADAM
Well Elizabeth, (beat) can I call
you Liz?
NEWS REPORTER
Yes, go on-

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28.
ADAM
Just making sure. We offered
Cynthia a ride home and when her
water broke, I had to sacrifice my
shirt for the cause.

Adam flexes his abs.

NEWS REPORTER
Thats amazing! Do you have prior
experience delivering babies?
ADAM
Im CPR certified if thats what
youre asking.
INT. ALICES OFFICE.
Alice is watching the news live on the office TV. On the TV,
Adam is still talking to the reporter as he puts his arm
around Blake and Ders.
ALICE
God, theyre such Idiots.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CRASH
The news reporter is now interviewing all three guys at
once.
NEWS REPORTER
Wow, what an amazing story! As
local heroes, do you have any
advice for viewers at home?
BLAKE
Ill take this one guys. Sometimes,
the world needs heroes, and this
afternoonDERS
NEVER WORK FOR TELIMERICORP OR FOR
ALICE MURPHY!! THEYRE
CORRUPT...AND THEY STEALAdam and Blake begin to restrain Ders.
DERS (CONT)
THEYLL STEAL YOUR HEART! BECOME AN
UBER DRIVER FIRST!!
The news reporter turns to the camera.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

29.

NEWS REPORTER
And thats all from here! For
Channel 4 News, Im Rebecca
Williams. Back to John in the
studio!
The cameramans lights go off as the news reporter takes off
her smile. They gather their equipment and begin walking
away.
NEWS REPORTER
Thanks guys...real mature.
BLAKE
No, thank you!
Blake turns to Ders.
BLAKE (CONT)
Ders, what the hell was that? That
was live TV.
DERS
Someone had to say it, I just did a
public service.
ADAM
Being a 4th grade social studies
teacher..now thats a public
service.
DERS
What? A social studies teacher? How
did you guys even find me?
ADAM
An Uber driver? Imagine the rating
that guy gave you. Umm...half of a
star.
DERS
And whose fault is that?
BLAKE
Hey, youre the one who stormed out
andADAM
You think you can just leave us out
to dry? Not even tell us?
The guys begin to get into it. Ders phone begins to ring.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

DERS
If it isnt the reason were here
now...
Ders puts his phone on speakerphone.
DERS (TO PHONE)
Well, well, well, I hope youve
been watching channel 4 news!
INT. ALICES OFFICE. - CONTINUOUS
Alice stands in her office on the phone.
DERS (THROUGH THE PHONE)
Lets just say I dont think
prospective employees will be
lining up at your door to replace
us anytime soon.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE CRASH - CONTINUOUS
DERS (TO PHONE)
Ya know why? Cause you cant
replace us - and you definitely
cant replace me. No one can
replace this sales-crazy tall glass
of whole percent milk.
Adam and Blake both run their hands through their hair in
distress.
DERS (CONT)
Cmon guys, help me pour it on.
ADAM
Im good.
BLAKE
Yeah, Im alright.
ALICE (THROUGH PHONE)
Anders...you were never suspended.
Ders looks up at Adam and Blake.
END OF ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

TAG
FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE
JILLIAN leans forward in her chair.
JILLIAN
Ive just been getting a lot of
creepy energy from him. The other
day, I was picking up a package at
my door and he was just staring at
me. Hello, youre my mailman, not
my boyfriend. Whatever. He knows
Im into him.
Jillian leans back.
JILLIAN (CONT)
Its not fair when UPS makes their
employees wear shorts that hug
their thighs so tight. Youre so
sweet. We should do this again
sometime.
CUT TO: Danica Patrick blow-up doll slanted in the chair.
FADE OUT:
END OF EPISODE