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LORD OF THE STOMACH RING OPERATION

ACT 1

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Scene: May 16, 2000 7:00 p.m. being the 19 the anniversary of Cracky boys marriage. Family
conference in the library with drinks at the family mansion called by Gold Holder.Cracky Boy
was served with papers of divorce earlier that morning by estranged wife Melissa mother of
twins (age 12) with one in the oven lacking DNA of Cracky Boy. Purpose of the meeting:
Strategy meeting to protect separate family assets in possession of Cracky Boy by prior
conveyances of assets to Cracky Boy for estate planning purposes as advised by financial
planners of Gold Holder. No hearing has been set for impending divorce proceedings which
will freeze Crackys assets until final judgment of property settlement in divorce proceedings
are rendered by the court. The mood is somber to say the least.

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Scene 1:

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Gold Holder: Ok everybody we need to talk and this is very serious. Cracky why has Melissa

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filed for divorce papers on you? Have you been screwing around on her and I expect an honest

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answer.

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Cracky Boy: Look when the honeymoon was over it was over both literally and figuratively OK.

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I had the bitch in counseling moths after we were married. She married me for my family name

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and family money. I was faithful for nine fucking years and could not take it anymore so shoot

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me ok! Yea I have been intimate with the woman I truly love Matilda and she must have found

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out about it and I could give a shit! Serves the bitch right!

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Cripple Slapper:I dont buy it! She is pregnant with your child is she not?

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Cracky Boy: Well gee Im not sure. Since you seem to think I am the anti-christ I guess if it is

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born with 666 on its forehead its mine but if it is born with a halo it is a clear cut case of divine

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conception. I think we did grudge fuck about six months ago.

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Gold Holder: Then why in the love of God did you not divorce her years ago?

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Cracky Boy: I thought I loved her and tried to make it work for years and then the kids were

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born and I guess I felt trapped and God forgive me but I am addicted to sex so excuse me for

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not thinking! I felt I could not abandon the kids unlike you Daddy!!!

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Gold Holder: How dare you!!!! Keep that up and I will disinherit you in a second do you

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understand you little bastard!!!

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Cripple Slapper: I think you are disgusting as a husband and father and you should be

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ashamed! You are going to bring shame on our family by this reckless behavior.

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Cracky Boy: Oh right! Like I am the first in the family to commit adultry! Give me a break. I

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guess I could have been like you when you were married screwing that Lawyer from Boston and

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got caught by your husband. I could have begged for forgiveness, reconciled and divorced with

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the grounds of irreconcilable differences just as you did. Too bad you are an atheist because

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you would make a great Southern Baptist.

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Gold Holder: Thats enough from both of you!!!!!!!!!!! We are here to talk about the threat to

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our family assets not about infidelities.

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Cracky Boy: OK maybe we are getting too emotional about this whole thing it really is not that

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serious and I truly think it is for the best at least for me. I have consulted an attorney. I may be

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crazy but I aint stupid

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Cripple Slapper: Ok but what does this all mean to us as a family? Can she get anything we

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own insofar as our land and assets or work her way into it and become a co-owner dealing us

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grief?

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Cracky Boy:OK heres the deal! Mississippi is not a community property state unlike Louisiana,

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Texas and yes, Tea Pot, California where you were living while married. However, if separate

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funds are comingled then they theoretically can become community property. For example if

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you get an oil royalty check from inherited property and use part of the money to pay a light bill

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in the family home you have placed the royalty income into community property status. Judges

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in our state do not like to award community property to the other side unless it is absolutely

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necessary to award the spouse the community property to insure the support of the children of

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the divorcing parents. Are there questions on this issue?

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Gold Holder: Yes I do. How much money do you make and how much do you spend each

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month? My secretary says you are broke. Are you giving your paramour money?

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Cracky Boy: She takes nosey to a whole new level. I dont like her and especially her breath. It

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could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at 75 yards! She tells me that she has a gum disease and

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it is none of her goddamn business.

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Cripple Slapper: I think he is doing drugs again he is talking crazy. Just look at him! Skinny as a

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bean pole and has bags under his eyes.

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Cracky Boy: My God!!!! Jacques Ceusteau is right! Whales do communicate! Did everyone just

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hear what the beached whale in the winged back chair just said? Intercourse you and the mule

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you rode in on!

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Hot Wheels: Well I hope nobody has told momma what has happened you all know how fragile

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she is and what the consequences could be if she found out what has transpired today. I dont

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think she needs to know. She could go back to drinking and she could die if she does.

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Cracky Boy: I agree!

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Cripple Slapper: I disagree and I am going to tell her. After all she is a member of this family

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whether she and daddy are married or not. I dont care what you say and I think you are both

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wrong!

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END OF SCENE 1

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