The Third Partner

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Dedicated :
To the lotus feet of our beloved spiritual master, His Holiness
Jayapataka Swami Maharaja, who wants everyone to be loving
and happy in Krishna consciousness.
He wants Grihastas to flourish both materially and spiritually and
make their lives successful. We are very grateful to him for teaching
us to be personal in all our relationships and for encouraging us
to develop our faith, humility and service to all the Vaishnavas.
Through him in parampara, we offer it to our most beloved
Founder Acharya of ISKCON His Divine Grace
AC. Bhaktivedanta Swami Srila Prabhupada, who is our
guiding light through his books and instructions.

Acknowlegements
We are very indebted to His Grace Anuttama dasa Adhikari,(not
the GBC), a senior disciple of Srila Prabhupadas who gave us
his valuable comments, insights and suggestions to incorporate
more quotations from Srila Prabhupadas letter , which we have
included in the second edition.
We are very grateful to Kaveri devi dasi from Moscow for
designing the cover of this book. We are grateful to Bhaktin Yulia
who photographed the couple on the cover in her home studio in
Moscow. We also want to thank Vaikunta Hari dasa and Kesavi
devi dasi from Moscow for kindly agreeing to be photographed
for the cover. Many thanks to Atula Krishna dasa from Rustov
(Russia) for translating from Russian during one of the interviews.
We are indebted to all the devotees whose interviews are
featured in this book.
We are very grateful to Pramod Nitai dasa from Bangalore for
helping us print and distribute the book.

Contents
Introduction 1
Chapter 1
Choosing a partner...6
Chapter 2
The Marriage Ceremony...... 13
Chapter 3
Coming close to each other.................. 18
Chapter 4
Developing the right attitudes 29
Chapter 5
Some problems and how to counter them. 37
Chapter 6
Dealing with material life... 45
Chapter 7
Family and social responsiblities... 51
Chapter 8
Overcoming obstacles...... 58
Chapter 9
Ideal husband- a wifes perspective 61
Chapter 10
Ideal wife- a husbands perspective. 66
Chapter 11
An interesting activity for couples 76
Chapter 12
Interviews with devotee couples.. 76
Chapter 13
How the Bhakti Vrikha program helps couples 97

The Third Partner

Introduction
I dont want any Third Partner! How can I be close to my
spouse if there is going to be a Third Partner? your mind may
scream But hold on, first find out who the Third Partner is and
then make up your mind The Third Partner is none other than
the most lovable, the best friend and well- wisher Krishna, who
is love personified! Can your marriage lack in love, warmth,
happiness, excitement, stability, and purpose if you and your
spouse both keep Him in your minds all the time?
He is anyway with you all the time and is aware of your every
thought, word and deed. You can either ignore Him and get into
a total mess, or intelligently include Him in your life and feel the
happiness and security He alone can provide you even in your
marital life.
Well, marriage is all about material attachment which is Maya.
How can Krishna take part in nescience? you may doubt. After
all, why will He encourage you in your material life, if it is only
going to create bondage for you? Your doubt is reasonable.
Krishna does not take interest in someones life so personally if
that devotee is not serious about his goal in spiritual life, which is
to attain Him at the end of this very life.
If a devotee is very certain that He wants to attain perfection in
this very life, then Krishna will intervene in his personal life, even
if the devotee has many material attachments. He helps the devotee
in either fulfilling or overcoming his legitimate material desires. A
loving father indulges his child in some of his trivial desires which
may not be very laudable. Nevertheless, being pleased with his
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overall good, gentle and responsible behavior, he does not see

any harm in indulging some small desires. He is assured that his
child will not misuse the privilege or get deviated from his goals
in life.
In the Srimad Bhagavatam, Third Canto, we read of the sage
Kardama muni, a great pure devotee yogi, who was very
determined to attain perfection in this life. Nevertheless he also
had a desire to be married for a while and enjoy the happiness of
marital life. The Lord, as Paramatma understood this desire. He
personally appeared before him and disclosed to him that He
had chosen a suitable partner for him the Princess Devahuti.
Devahuti herself had also heard about the great qualities of
Kardama muni from Narada muni and made up her mind to only
marry him. She was excellent in all material respects. She was
also sufficiently spiritually advanced to be able to assist him in his
pursuit of Krishna consciousness. He also predicted that she
would arrive in two days time along with her parents.
You can imagine how happy Kardama muni must have felt! The
Lord Himself had chosen the right bride for him! He had absolutely
no doubts about accepting the bride selected by the Lord, nor
did he later ever repent having married her. The Lord was always
an integral part of their married life and He later took birth from
Devahutis womb as their son. Their marital life, which became
very opulent when they were ready to create a family, was so
outstanding that even demigods came to witness it. Materially,
the couple fulfilled all of their desires, but never forgot their prime
goal in life, which is to go back to Godhead. Krishna was always
with them and that is why their marriage was so exemplary.
We may not be as spiritually exalted as Karadama muni or may
not share his yogic feats, but we can share his enthusiasm and
devotion to spiritual life. In fact, being less spiritually advanced,
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we have even more reason to take shelter of Krishna to

overcome all our weaknesses and inadequacies.
We should not discard all spiritual standards just because we are
not able to stick to them. Instead, we may start out by following
very basic standards of Krishna consciousness, and then raise
them gradually. To perform this difficult task, there is no better
way of doing so than depending on your loving partner Krishna.
He is so kind, understanding, patient, forgiving and, above all
ever ready to give us a helping hand, if we are just sincere to
Him.
Making Krishna a partner in our marriage means more than just
turning to Him when we have material problems. The love you
feel for Him purifies your emotions. This, in turn, makes you love
your partner more and more in a very deep and satisfying way.
You now want to make your spouse happy, and are ready to
serve rather than exploit him/her to get happiness for yourself.
You find out that as you come closer to your spouse, you are
also getting closer to Krishna!
If Krishna is not a partner in your marriage, you will always find
your involvement in your marital affairs comes in the way of your
devotion to Krishna. You will then be torn between attachment
to and detachment from material life and may find it very difficult
to be fixed in Krishna consciousness and make spiritual progress.
In both the joys and miseries of material life, you will experience
a vacuum without the presence of Krishna, the ever- loving friend
and well- wisher.
Thus Svayambhuva Manu was a saintly king. Although absorbed
in material happiness, he was not dragged to the lowest grade of
life, for he always enjoyed his material happiness in a Krishna
conscious atmosphere. (SB 3.22.34)
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Devotee couples should always try to give to others, whatever

Krishna consciousness they themselves have acquired. You
should do this in a regular and systematic way. You should take
some efforts to cultivate friendship with willing people, and help
them become devotees. They will then find that it is very easy to
feel the presence of Krishna in their homes and in their personal
lives.
Lord Caitanya, once passing by a village in Andhra Pradesh,
stayed in the home of a wealthy and successful brahmana named
Kurma, who became attracted to Him. The brahmana begged
Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu,My dear Lord, kindly show me
favor and let me go with you. I can no longer tolerate the waves
of misery caused by materialistic life. (CC Madhya 7.126)
Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu replied, Dont speak like that again.
It is better to remain at home and chant the holy name of Krishna
always. Instruct everyone to follow the orders of Lord Krishna
as they are given in Bhagavad-gita and Srimad-Bhagavatam. In
this way become a spiritual master and try to liberate everyone
in this land. If you follow this instruction, your materialistic life at
home will not obstruct your spiritual advancement. Indeed, if
you follow these regulative principles, we will again meet here;
or rather you will never lose my company. At whosevers house
Sri Caitanya accepted his alms by taking prasadam, He would
convert the dwellers to His sankirtana movement and advise
them just as He advised the brahmana named Kurma. CC
Madhya 7. 127 - 130.
Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu, the most magnanimous and
compassionate person, engaged his grihasta followers in
preaching. In fact, He advised Lord Nityananda to get married
so that He could preach all over Bengal! It is most auspicious
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and a wonderful experience for grihastas to do some preaching

together, which will fill them with love for others, for Krishna and
for each other as well.
The Bhakti Vriksha program has been especially designed to
help grihastas to easily fulfill this task in a very dynamic,
interesting, and effective way. They find their personalities
blooming and evolving due to this. It is very rare for such couples
to have any serious marital problems, as their hearts are constantly
getting softer and more submissive due to the nature of the services
rendered together. They are thus able to lead a very fulfilling,
happy married lives and with some periodic counseling from senior
devotees they find that minor problems are easily settled. We
will discuss more about this in the last chapter of this book.
So what exactly do we have to do to makie Krishna our Third
Partner? What are the practical and tangible things you need to
do? What are the benefits you will experience in your married
life? How can this satisfy you at all levels: physically, mentally,
emotionally, intellectually and spiritually in your marital
relationship? Are there examples of devotees in both the past as
well as present, who have made Krishna their partner?
This book hopes to address all these questions. Many live
situations will also be discussed; the understanding of the male
and female psychology and their needs, as well as how to settle
differences with your partner.
Please read on!...........
Your servants,
Vijaya Venugopala das & Prema Padmini dd
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Chapter 1

Choosing a Partner
For a devotee, choosing a partner seems difficult from various
angles. The foremost one is finding someone equally interested
in spiritual life. The second one is to make sure that both are
materially compatible to some extent at least. The third is the
fact that we have so few devotees to choose from. Finally, the
fourth is the apprehension whether it will work out and whether
we will be satisfied in our marriage.
Of course, there are a few marriage bureaus run by ISKCON
devotees who maintain a data-base of matrimonial seekers, but
we still may not be able to make up our mind from that list or
may not be able to find the right partner.
We generally experience difficulties because we do not take
shelter of the Lord in all circumstances.
As the Lord says in the Bhagavad Gita, You will overcome all
the difficulties of material life by taking shelter of Me. But out of
false ego, if you forget me, you will be lost. Bg 18.58
The first step in choosing a partner is to take shelter of Krishna
and pray to Him that if He is favorable to the idea of our getting
married, then may He kindly help us in finding the right person.
Taking this step requires that we have faith first in Krishna as a
person who is willing to help us. We have to have faith that the
person Krishna helps us find will certainly be the best for us. We
should be ready to accept the person as partner for life.
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We normally think that we should fall in love in order to marry

someone. However, that love is dependent on some physical
and mental attractions that normally do not last for long, at least
in its intensity as in the beginning. We may continue being attracted
to the person throughout our life due to some special karma. But
we will most likely encounter many difficulties if that is not the
person sanctioned by Krishna for us. Love is not just a heady
romance. It is the deep commitment we have for someone through
all circumstances good or bad. It can unite two people in such
a deep bond as a shared goal to reach Krishna.
Of course we are not as surrendered as Kardama muni that we
will only keep meditating on Krishna and do nothing about finding
a partner! Hence, we certainly should look around with the help
of senior and trusted devotees in ISKCON, for a suitable person.
If we do come across an eligible person on our own, we should
consult with devotees to find out more about the persons
background, if it is a devotee. In India, the family members get
involved in choosing a life partner.
We may consult with devotee astrologers to match the
horoscopes to ensure compatibility and success in our marriage.
What need is there for astrology if Krishna is involved?, we
may doubt. When both of us are serious about Krishna
consciousness, isnt that enough?. This is where the need to get
the approval of Guru or a senior devotee arises. The guru may,
as a representative of Krishna, overlook some astrological
forecasts if that is what Krishna wants. However generally, we
should avoid risks of marrying an incompatible person, which
may not be evident to us in our superficial acquaintance with
them.
We may only consider physical and mental attraction and may
overlook so many important considerations, which will definitely
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affect our marital as well as spiritual lives. Even if we know the

prospective spouse well, it is prudent to perform an astrological
check with devotee astrologers, due to at least two reasons. The
first is that after marriage our behavior towards our spouse may
change when we are no longer trying to put on our best behavior.
The secoond is that, astrologically, our karmas get inter-connected
due to marriage. So it would be wise to see if our karmas together
will help each other to go through life or not.
Man and woman should not be united simply on the consideration
of sex life. There are many other considerations, especially
character and taste. If the taste and character differ between
man and woman, their combination will be unhappy. Even about
forty years ago, in Indian marriages, the taste and character of
the boy were first of all matched, and then they were allowed to
marry..According to astrological calculation, a person is
classified according to whether he belongs to the godly or
demoniac quality. In that way the spouse was selected. A girl of
godly quality should be handed over to a boy of godly quality. A
girl of demoniac quality should be handed over to a boy of
demoniac quality. Then they will be happy. But if the girl is
demoniac and the boy is godly, then the combination is
incompatible; they cannot be happy in such a marriage. At the
present moment, because boys and girls are not married according
to quality and character, most marriages are unhappy, and there
is divorce. (SB 3.24.15 purport).
We may find a very new devotee to marry, in which case we
should certainly enquire and be certain that they are serious about
progressing in Krishna consciousness. If the person we have
chosen happens to be a non- devotee (as a last and unavoidable
resort), we should certainly explain to him/her our serious
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commitment to Krishna consciousness. We should invite him/her

to associate with devotees. Only if he/she shows genuine interest
in progressing in Krishna consciousness, we should consider
marrying the person, after getting the blessings of the Guru, or
senior Vaishnavas in case we has not yet found our guru.
What values are important to consider while choosing a partner?
Generally, nobody is looking forward to compromising on their
considerations. We hope that both materially and spiritually we
get someone who will be satisfying to us. But we must set a
priority for each of our requirements, so that we know how to
make a decision in case all our expectations are not met.
Men normally look forward to the physical attractiveness of a
woman, and women to the economic and educational status of a
man. There is nothing wrong with this, except that this should
certainly not be the top-most priority.
What then should be our top-most priority?
The intelligent person will understand since Krishna is the one
who will help me in my marriage, I should choose a person that
He sanctions or approves for me. How can anyone be happy
without Krishnas approval? Certainly not a devotee, for he is
ever-dependent on the goodwill of Krishna.
Let us see how Devahuti chose her husband Kardama muni.
Her father Svayambhuva Manu revealed to Kardama muni as
follows: The moment she heard from the sage Narada of your
noble character, learning, beautiful appearance, youth and other
virtues, she fixed her mind upon you. (SB 3.22.10).
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Srila Prabhupada comments, The girl Devahuti did not personally

see Kardama muni, nor did she personally experience his
character or qualities, since there was no social intercourse by
which she could gain such understanding. But she heard about
Kardama muni from the authority of Narada muni. Hearing from
an authority is better than gaining personal understanding. She
heard from Narada muni that Kardama muni was just fit to be
her husband; therefore she became fixed in her heart that she
would marry him, and she expressed her desire to her father,
who therefore brought her before him.
We can see that the top-most priority for Devahuti for choosing
Kardama muni was his noble character, then learning and then
beautiful appearance and last of all youth and other virtues. She
did not even think of his economic status, for she recognized that
was not the important thing for a happy marriage. The other great
qualities would more than compensate for wealth even though
she had every right to expect a wealthy husband, as she was a
princess and used to luxurious living.
Kardama muni replies: Certainly I have a desire to marry, and
your daughter has not yet married or given her word to anyone.
Therefore our marriage according to the Vedic system can take
place. (SB 3.22.15)
Srila Prabhupada comments: Most important is that Devahuti
had first of all fixed her mind on marrying him. She did not choose
to have any other man as her husband. That is a great
consideration because female psychology dictates that when a
woman offers her heart to a man for the first time, it is very difficult
for her to take it back. Also she had not married before, she was
a virgin girl.
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Kardama muni continues, Let your daughters desire for

marriage, which is recognized in Vedic scriptures, be fulfilled.
Who would not accept her hand? She is so beautiful that by her
bodily luster alone she excels the beauty of her ornaments. (SB
3.22.16)
Then he concludes: Therefore I shall accept this chaste girl as
my wife, on the condition that after she bears semen from my
body, I shall accept the life of devotional service accepted by the
most perfect human beings. That process was described by
Lord Vishnu. It is free from envy. (SB 3.22.19)
So Kardama muni first of all considered Devahutis character,
steadfastness and chastity, which are the most important virtues
of a woman. Only after that did he consider her beauty. He also
gives importance to having children through their marriage and
reveals his great desire to do devotional service. He was ready
to accept her in marriage only on the condition that she would
accept and cooperate with him to advance in Krishna
consciousness.
We should have our priorities in life right. Our main goal should
be to attain the Lotus Feet of the Supreme Personality of Godhead
in this life itself. Only then will we make the right choices. Krishna
will also aid us in the regulated fulfillment of our material desires,
so that we can overcome them and be able to fix our minds on
Him. Whatever Krishna provides for us will be the very best for
us. This faith a devotee must have. Even if there seems to be
some discrepancies in what Krishna has given us, we should
understand that the Lord knows what is best for us, and will
make us happy. Unless we trust the Lord and accept His
judgment, we will never be satisfied with our spouses. The
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materialistic mind is such that it is always hankering for more and

more sense gratification. That is the reason for divorces and
multiple marriages in non-Vedic communities.
The so called institution of free love marriage is ruining the
human society and it is our duty therefore to re-establish the
correct procedure of human life in the matter of encouraging our
disciples who wish to marry, to enter into a contract of spiritual
wedlock. Such contract is made on the basis of compatible service
to the Lord, because such mutual cooperation in serving the
advancement of Krishna consciousness minimizes the illusion of
material compatibility and incompatibility
(SPL to Gaura Hari, November 20th, 1970)
We accept the families into which we are born, and do not try to
find some other family to join, no matter what our personal
differences with them may be. We do not try to change our parents
or siblings or even children. We accept them as God-given and
live with them through mutual adjustments. Then why can we not
accept our spouse also as God-given and try to remain together
without break-ups?
So by getting the sanction and blessings of guru or trusted senior
devotees, we get a head start in our marriage.

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Chapter 2

The Marriage Ceremony

The marriage ceremony is not a mere ritual in order to get the
stamp of being married. Nor should we view it as a privilege
merely to be the centre of attraction and get the approval and
blessings of family and friends. It is not only a joyous social
occasion, but much more.
The sacredness of the occasion brought about by the performance
of the yajna draws everyone into the spiritual presence of the
Lord and the various demigods. They are happy to grace, witness,
and bless the occasion. The couple take solemn vows before
them to be responsible, faithful, and loving to each other; to help
each other to make their human birth successful in fulfilling various
material and spiritual obligations.
This is a very important reminder to us that marriage is not just
about sense gratification and romance. When the pleasure or
romance diminishes, we cannot abandon our spouse and look
for greener pastures. Once the ceremony is over, we cannot forget
Krishna, whom we have invited to witness and bless the
ceremony.
When we forget Krishna or the higher purpose of our lives, we
tend to get steeped in whatever is relevant to our immediate
material pleasures and happiness. This is the cause of our inevitable
degradation and the resultant suffering.
If we start to get happiness in our spiritual being or our actual
selves , then we will be inclined to involve Krishna in all aspects
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of our lives very naturally. Krishna sanctions material enjoyment

in a regulated way which is linked to a noble purpose as well, so
that we gradually get elevated to spiritual life.
The materialistic tendency is to crave for unlimited sense
enjoyment with no impediment. That explains the difficulty and
aversion common people have to thinking of Krishna, who is
viewed as an obstacle to enjoyment. However, Krishna is not an
enemy to our enjoyment of material happiness. Rather, He is like
a loving parent who is ever protective, and guides His devotees
along the paths of happiness, free from all dangers and
inauspiciousness.
Children may be foolish sometimes, and may not be able to follow
all the instructions of the parents in the beginning. Nevertheless,
if they do not resent the concern of the parents and are faithful to
them, to some extent, then gradually, by experiencing life
themselves, they begin to realize the wisdom in their parents
advise, and start to follow them voluntarily. Just as parents tolerate
and wait patiently for their children to grow up, so Krishna waits.
He accepts our small acknowledgements of love, and is ready to
wait for our growing up in spiritual life.
A Vedic marriage ceremony conducted by qualified brahmana
priests is very important to solemnize the marriage. The presence
of devotees, including the guru, if possible, is very auspicious
and will help the bride and groom to think of Krishna during the
ceremony. If devotees chant the Hare Krishna mahamantra, then
the couple can meditate also on serving Krishna together, who is
the actual source of their love, happiness, and good fortune
together.
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On the contrary, if their minds are merely absorbed in thoughts

of how they will enjoy each others company, without any place
for Krishna or His service, this will agitate the mind towards
endless sense gratification. This gradually leads to disillusion,
frustration and confusion about ones actual identity or purpose
in life. Devahutis statement is that since she was attached to
living with her husband for sense gratification, which does not
lead to liberation from material entanglement, her life was simply
a waste of time. (SB 3.23.56)
Material absorption is a cause of the instability in marriages, as
high expectations for sense enjoyment many times leads to
disappointments. Couples separate to try their luck again in
another relationship. On the contrary, if they are eager to advance
in Krishna consciousness together, they will always remember
Krishna who can bring them joy and happiness in their lives
together.
It is essential that the couple enquire and find out the meaning of
all the Sanskrit vows they make during the marriage ceremony
in the fire sacrifice. This will make the event an enlightening and
an inspiring experience as well.
From The Book of Samskaras by Prema Rasa dasa and
Sandipani Muni das:
The marriage ceremony as described in the grhya sutras, give
opportunity for the couple to have mutually sought and obtained
assurance from the other of a unified and well-knit bond of love
and care to face the challenge of a new life together. Before
occupying her rightful place of better half(ardhangini) on the left
side of her husband, the bride seeks and obtains some pledge
from him like:
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He should protect her.

He should take her along with him for pilgrimage.
He should keep her on his side on the occasion of sacrifice.
He should carry on the religious obligation.
He should share household duties with her.
He should take her into confidence when dealing with
household expenditure.
He should not humiliate her in public.
He should not involve himself in vices, and should maintain the
regulative principles.
He should look upon all other women as his mother and love
her alone.
He should keep her content according to her capacity.

To fulfil all the above promises, the bridegroom also asks the
bride for a pledge:
O Beloved one! If you promise to me that you wont go alone in
gardens and to others home, you wont keep the company of
men alone, if you promise to be of sweet disposition, to be soft
and tender, keep your pledge of marriage sacred, be devoted to
me, to the elders and to the Lord and do your household duty
then I welcome you as my rightly wedded wife.
At the sapta-padi ritual, the bride bearing the promise of the
bridegroom agrees to fulfill her vows.
It is the custom in Vedic marriages that the couple is taken by the
parents of both the partners to the Lords Temple to take shelter
of Him and get His blessings to make their union successful and
auspicious. This confirms how much the marriage is closely
connected to Krishna and how important it is for the couple to
value it in this light. It should give them confidence that the Lord
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is always the well-wishing partner in the union, and that serving

Him is the ultimate goal of the union.
This will bring great joy to the couple in moments of material
happiness, as they realize the great compassion and mercy of the
Lord. In times of distress, He is the anchor on whom both depend
for stability. He can set everything right in their lives.
They will never act whimsically, selfishly or irresponsibly, as they
are aware of the Lords guidelines, and His desires for them.
The devotees, the scriptures and Guru reveal what is really
Krishnas purpose and desire for us. So if that remains in the
forefront of their minds, they will always take the right decisions
and always be able to overcome all problems in their lives.

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Chapter 3

Coming close to each other

When devotees get married, they may sometimes find that the
material happiness in each others company is taking away their
interest in serious Krishna consciousness. Their material
responsibilities also have increased, and together they may feel
that they have to slow down now in their Krishna conscious
activities. They try to reduce their devotional activities and
services, thinking that Krishna consciousness is actually
incompatible with married life.
When they start encountering inevitable problems in their lives,
they get bewildered and lost.
Not knowing how to solve their problems and not having enough
faith in Krishna, they move further away from Krishna. A few
may feel disillusioned with material enjoyment and move towards
Krishna in a more detached mood, having understood that you
cannot be happy without Krishna.
On the other extreme there are devotees who want to be very
serious in their Krishna consciousness and so are trying to be as
renounced as possible as grihastas. They try not to interact too
intimately with the spouse, thinking this is maya. They try to dress
more plainly, and avoid the romantic part of married life. They
do not give enough time to each other and to enjoy some marital
happiness in loving exchanges. They may even try to sleep in
separate rooms, thinking that this is necessary to advance in their
Krishna consciousness. This may stem out of the fear that love
for each other may reduce their love for Krishna. But such
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extremes often result in devotees becoming frustrated due to

unfulfilled material desires and this may strain their relationship
very much.
Both these extremes are due to an improper understanding of
Krishna consciousness.
There is no restriction against living with a wife and children, but
life should be so conducted that one may not act against the
principles of religion, economic development, regulated sense
enjoyment and ultimately, liberation from material existence. The
Vedic principles are designed in such a way that the conditioned
souls who have come to the material existence may be guided in
fulfilling their material desires and at the same time be liberated
and go back to Godhead, back home. (SB 3.22 purport)
Devotee couples need to love and understand Krishna and then
they find that their love for each other is growing deeper and
stronger as well. Until they love Krishna, they will only be attracted
to the external personality related to the body, mind, and
intelligence of each other. This relationship does not touch their
spiritual identity, the soul, which is their real self. Real love can
be felt only when we aware of our real identity.
On the one hand, there is a danger that devotee couples
attraction to each other will diminish their Krishna consciousness.
On the other hand, their material attraction keeps reducing with
time as everything material goes through a law of diminishing
returns. In simple terms, it means that the more you have of
something, the less pleasure you get from it. This explains why
normally couples lose the intensity of their attraction they had for
each other when they first got married. Sometimes they try to get
- 19 -

the same attraction to others outside of marriage. Avoiding this

requires a strong commitment to children and family which keeps
the devotees united in these affairs. But the magic of their love
seems to be waning. If they are not careful they could be having
endless quarrels and disagreements that may lead them to a
divorce.
The mood in such marriages without a relationship with Krishna
tends to be one of enjoying one another and satisfying oneself,
physically, mentally and emotionally. There are bound to be
discrepancies, disappointments, and frustrations in such an
attempt.
However, even if the devotees are satisfied in the relationship to
some extent, they often start making more and more demands of
the partner. We easily tend to take everything for granted and
are looking for more and more material happiness. We want
variety, and so try newer relationships. We may develop
relationships with the opposite gender just for some mental and
emotional satisfaction. We may rationalise it to be something pure
and platonic; and so not against moral principles. But since it is
done in a mood to enjoy ones mind and emotions, this is also
lust on the subtle platform and can easily degrade to physical lust
as well.
What is the secret then of having a marital relationship that does
not, on the one hand distract one from ones Krishna
consciousness, and on the other hand, fulfill ones desire for a
close and intimate relationship? A relationship that will keep
growing deeper with time and will never tire? Something that will
stand the test of time, all obstacles, and challenges? That will
satisfy us in all ways that we do not feel the need to look
elsewhere for satisfaction.
- 20 -

Both the partners should want to serve each other more than
being served. They should find ways and means to make each
other always happy. This satisfies the soul completely. One is not
trying to exploit the other, but rather showing genuine affection
and love. When one tries to help the other overcome their shortcomings rather than criticizing or nagging them about it, one brings
out the best in them. In this way both feel good about the situation.
This love grows deeper with time and becomes a strong fortress
to face any difficulty with strength.
Sharing common goals, desires, and ambitions together makes
their partnership strong and interesting. If they also can work
together in some areas, then it helps their companionship to
flourish.
How does one develop such a feeling of true love and service to
ones partner, when the mind is naturally inclined to attraction
and repulsion for ones own satisfaction? When it easily feels
dissatisfied when things do not work its way and wants to feel
dejected and hopeless? When it is selfish and egoistic and will
not reach out to the heart where true feelings are? When it is
more interested in proving that one is right and perfect all the
time? When exchange of love is not it stop priority?
By taking help of the Third Partner, Krishna. If both the partners
develop their relationship with Krishna in a service mood, they
will find that their mind is getting conquered and their hearts are
beginning to feel the mood of service to Krishna as well as to
each other.
The feelings of lust which are natural for all conditioned souls,
slowly transforms into love and this love is permanent, deep and
- 21 -

mature, keeps growing, and satisfies the heart, mind and body
completely and makes one ecstatic and blissful.
Krishna is a partner in the marriage, and He has sanctioned the
fulfillment of lust in a regulated way. He helps His devotees to
satisfy their material desires as well. So both husband and wife
will find that married life could never have been as happy without
Krishna. Simultaneously, they are also making progress in Krishna
consciousness!
So work together husband and wife diligently and pray to
Krishna to help you. He is sitting in your heart and will surely
give you good intelligence, as soon as He finds that you are
engaged in His service with faith and love. Our Krishna is not a
dead God as with other things. He is the Supreme living being
and very affectionate to His devotees. He is the responsive
cooperator with our activities. So stick to His lotus feet as advised
by Lord Chaitanya.(SPL to Tattiriya dasi, 15th September,
1974.)
Ideally, Krishna wants us to use the sex urge only for procreation.
When couples get married there is no problem as they normally
do want to have children and can thus fulfill the sex urge as well.
Krishna recommends in the scriptures the performance of the
garbhadana samskara which will ensure the couple good progeny.
You have asked what is meant by illicit sex. Sex should be
used only in marriage for begetting nice children to raise in Krishna
consciousness. Krishna says in the Bhagavad- gita that I am sex
life performed according to religious principles. Sex life for any
other purpose means illicit sex. The use of contraceptive method
for sex enjoyment is very sinful. Restraint in the matter of these
- 22 -

four sinful activities is achieved by tasting the superior mellows

of Krishna consciousness. (SPL to Mr. Suresh Candra,18th
june.1973.)
After getting the blessings of the spiritual master/ spiritual guide
and parents, the couple should chant ideally 50 rounds of the
Hare Krishna mahamantra before they try to conceive. Thus
remembering Krishna creates a proper environment to attract a
good soul to enter their union. Srimad Bhagavatam also testifies
to this.
The Vedic literatures are not only full of spiritual instruction but
are also instructive in how to prosecute material existence very
nicely, with the ultimate aim of spiritual perfection. Devahuti asked
her husband therefore , how to prepare herself for sex life
according to Vedic instructions. Sex life is especially meant for
having good children. The circumstances for creating good
children are mentioned in the kama-sastra the scripture in which
suitable arrangements are prescribed for factually glorious sex
life. Everything needed is mentioned in the scriptures - what sort
of house and decorations there should be, what sort of dress the
wife should have, how she should be decorated with ointments,
scents and other attractive features, etc. With these requisites
fulfilled, her beauty will attract her husband, and creates a
favorable mental situation. The mental situation at the time of sex
life may then be transferred into the womb of the wife, and good
children can come out of that pregnancy. (SB 3.23.11 purport)
You have asked me some questions about the functions of sex
life in Krishna consciousness, and the basic principle is that it
should be avoided as far as possible. However, if it is
unavoidable, then it should be utilized for begetting Krishna
conscious children. In that case, the husband and wife should
- 23 -

chant at least fifty rounds before going to sex. . (SPL to

Shyama dasi, 18th January, 1969)
We can see that the scriptures allow for and promote the fulfillment
of the sexual urge in people in a sanctified way. They are uplifted
by the whole process and not degraded. Their urges just remain
controlled and satisfied..
What happens when the couple have completed their family and
not want any more children? Do they have to stop having physical
relations? Srila Prabhupada, affection is an important ingredient
in any family. You can show your affection with embraces, kisses,
services, sweet words. The only thing you should avoid is sex
life because it is not an essential method of showing affection to
anyone. It is an effort to gratify ones own senses. (From a
letter of Srila Prabhupada as found in the Book of Samskaras by
the authors Prema Rasa das and Sandipani muni das.)
To achieve this level of love and intimacy without having to indulge
in sex, takes time for many devotees. We can start with some
regulations like avoiding having sex during ekadasi days and
restricting the number of times in a month from four to three, two
and then one, and gradually, to making it even more seldom.
Simultaneously, the couple should engage in good devotee
association, good sadhana, and good devotional services
especially preaching and taking care of people. This will give
them a higher taste on the spiritual platform and they can
experience more intense love for each other, which does not
need sex or the actual act of procreation to express it.
So the devotees must gradually strive for this, which will make
them more happy and satisfied. Even if they are at a lower stage,
they should not reject the ideal. They may not be able to be ideal
- 24 -

yet, but they must hope to reach it. In this way, by the mercy of
Krishna and Guru, they can keep progressing. There is no need
to feel disheartened or disillusioned about being at a lower stage
of spiritual development. When Krishna is a partner, He is always
helpful. He keeps increasing the bliss and happiness of the
devotees, and makes it easier for them to surrender to Him. There
is also a connection between the love the devotees feel for
Krishna and what they feel for each other. When they begin to
love Krishna more selflessly, they can feel the love for each other
also becoming more true and lasting.
Devotees can start their married life by chanting japa along with
the spouse. This gives a shared feeling of surrendering to Krishna
together and they experience a loving bond that deepens their
marital relationship. The partnership in chanting will also ensure
that they look forward to chanting japa, and can give it their full
attention. Since they are not separated from each others
company during japa time, they can look forward to this as a
wonderful way to spend quality time together. Japa will then be
not degenrate into becoming a ritual they want to complete in
haste, to be able to go on to their other daily activities.
As their chanting improves, they start to experience more love
for Krishna and so enhanced love for each other as well. There
will be more harmony in their relationship, as their minds will be
more controlled. They will be less prone to negative emotions
that lead to quarrels and misunderstandings.
With Krishnas presence more manifest in the devotees lives, so
many karmas and anarthas which impede their happiness can be
destroyed. They realize increasingly, how including Krishna in
their lives makes their marriage an exciting and satisfying
experience. Krishna is never dull, and His presence means that
- 25 -

His devotees experience something out of the ordinary all the

time. This will keep the magic of their happy marriage going on.
Doing Deity worship, performing arathis etc together, also are
intimate moments shared with Krishna together. Prayer is a very
intimate activity. If they can do this together, they share a deeper
intimacy. They amazingly discover that the love that they share
for each other is not taking them away from Krishna. Instead,
they are coming closer to Krishna as well; and their spiritual life
is progressive.
They can also set aside some time to read the scriptures Bhagavadgita, Srimad Bhagavatam, etc together. There are multiple benefits
from this. This is wonderful time spent together. Reading separately
may mean time taken away from each others company which,
in the beginning, may act as a disincentive to do serious reading.
This reading keeps devotees conscious of their Third Partner,
Krishna, more and more.Their relationship becomes surcharged
with inspiration in the mode of goodness through reading together.
The modes of passion and ignorance, which create many problems
for them, come under control. Their lives can be free from negative
feelings of anger, jealousy, hatred, competitiveness, envy,etc which
can cloud their companionship with bitterness.
Sharing realizations of what they read becomes an enjoyable
activity for both of them. This makes their conversations more
stimulating. It also inspires them both to engage in so many
wonderful activities of Krishna consciousness together. They will
be able to guide their children properly and be an exemplary
couple for all to emulate.

- 26 -

It is ideal if they now take the responsibility for caring for the
spiritual lives of other people. By having at least a weekly program
at home together, then they will have more common goals and
activities together. This is similar to the joy of taking care of their
own children together, and makes them less self-absorbed.
I never discourage marriage, provided it is for Krishnas service
and not simply for sex life. It is always meant for a higher purpose.
In Gods creation there is male and female even in the spiritual
world and there is purpose for such creation. This purpose is so
that male and female may join together, not for sex life but to
glorify the Lord. From the Srimad- Bhagavatam we learn that in
Vaikuntha the women are much more beautiful in their figure,
smiling, dressing etc, but the men and women there are so much
attracted by the chanting of Hare Krishna that they do not get
any sex impulse even by intimate mingling. Here also we get very
good example, because when our nice boys and girls are dancing
together in chanting Hare Krishna at least for that time they forget
all about sex impulse. This is perfection of life, to be so much
attracted to Krishna that all insignificant pleasures are utterly
forgotten. (SPL to Uddhava, 17th February, 1969)
Discussing their childrens personalities, their spiritual and material
progress, their problems, and a shared sense of responsibility
for their well being, can keep couples united for a life-time. If
they also take the added responsibility of facilitating the spiritual
lives of other people as well, they will be fulfilling the request of
Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu to all the grihastas, and in this way
they will experience His presence in their home as He has
promised.. There is no need to renounce family life in order to
achieve the Lotus Feet of the Lord. Rather, Lord Caitanya
Mahaprabhu says that He Himself will come and dwell in our
homes if we preach to others.
- 27 -

The Lord dwelling in the home brings all kinds of auspiciousness

including the disappearance of miseries and problems, which
are the hallmark of Kali Yuga, the age in which we are now living.
Bringing up children and taking care of the older family members
together deepens the devotee parents bond and commitment
to each other. These are selfless activities in the mode of
goodness, which ennoble the soul and bestow happiness and
blessings. They begin to respect each other for the good qualities
they are both developing. Such activities also make them more
caring towards each other as they become aware of others
needs and develop their power of empathy .
On the other hand, if the devotees remain selfish and do not take
care of others, this mood also manifests itself in their marital
relationship. They want to exploit each other for personal pleasure
rather than to serve and give happiness to each other. This
exploitative mood leads to distress and frustration. If this
continues, it can lead to separathion and divorce.
Therefore, selfless activities of caring for others acts powerfully
to purify the devotees and make them happy in their pleasing
service to Krishna.

- 28 -

Chapter 4

Developing the right attitudes

The grihasta ashrama is meant to elevate and refine an individual
in his spiritual progress. Lord Krishna wants to satisfy an
individuals desire for material companionship and love and at
the same time elevate him to higher spiritual consciousness in the
grihasta asrama. That is why the grihasta asrama is very important
and has to be taken seriously.
The Lord has set standards of behavior for the husband and
wife, so that by following this, their natural material needs will be
fulfilled. At the same time, they will develop a closer union with
Krishna.
The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must
render service just like an intimate friend, and at the same time
she must understand that the husband is superior in position, and
thus she must offer him all respect. A mans psychology and
womans psychology are different. As constituted by bodily frame,
a man always wants to be superior to his wife, and a woman, as
bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her husband. The natural
instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to
the wife, and this must be observed. Even if there is some wrong
on the part of the husband, the wife must tolerate it, and thus
there will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife.
According to Vedic civilization, a wife cannot call her husband
by name. In the present civilization, the wife calls her husband by
name, but in Hindu civilization, she does not. Thus the inferiority
and superiority complexes are recognized. Damena ca: a wife
has to learn to control herself even if there is a misunderstanding.
(SB 3.23.2 purport)
- 29 -

For this purpose, Krishna has given the wife her husband as His
representative. The more that the husband is a devotee of Krishna,
the more perfectly he can act as Krishnas representative. But,
whatever the husbands state of advancement, his position
remains, and the husband has to be respected as such and served
with reverence by his wife. This injunction is given in the dharma
shastras and there are many great chaste ladies in puranic history
like Sita, Mandodari,Tara, Anusaya, etc, who are revered and
respected. Their spiritual prowess is acknowledged, as they
followed this injunction very strictly. Even if the husband is not a
devotee, the wife gains great pious credit and can be elevated to
the heavenly planets for following this principle sincerely.
Women are not expected to perform any great austerities or
penances, as they are quite delicate and not generally inclined to
a difficult lifestyle. Their natural inclination is to be happy in family
life. By trying to serve the husband faithfully, she can overcome
the urge to be selfish and self centered. She developes humility
and a service attitude. Accepting the natural position also removes
any envy on the part of the wife, she accepts the superior position
of the husband and serves him.
.. The Vedic system advises women to become very chaste and
accept the husband as master. Your husband is especially good
because he is progressing in Krishna consciousness. I am very
glad that you two are a very good combination, and your devotion
for your husband and your husbands love for you are considered
great achievements (SPL to Nandarani, 8th October, 1967)
Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful
husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and
vanity. (SB 3.23.3)
- 30 -

We can see that by learning to serve her husband, a wife gradually

is able to become self controlled.
It may be difficult in the beginning to actually follow these
injunctions, due to weaknesses of the husband and wife.
Nevertheless if the wife is not averse to this injunction and tries
to follow it to the best of her capacity, then Krishna is pleased
and keeps helpibg her. By pleasing Krishna one gets unlimited
blessings from Him. Any obstacles in her marital life can also be
easily overcome when she trusts Krishna and follows His
guidelines. Krishna will help her husband overcome his
weaknesses, over a period of time. A sincere devotee wife will
also find the path of Krishna consciousness become easier to
follow.
Even materially, a wife gains by being submissive to her husband
as she conquers the heart of her husband. While she can satisfy
the husbands desire to feel he is the master of the household,
she also gets her desires fulfilled, as he is ready to please her,
being satisfied with her. This leaves both of them psychologically
and emotionally happy as well.
A wife should cooperate with her husband in all the activities and
also try to be a source of inspiration and support for the husbands
spiritual advancement. However, she should do this without being
pushy or dominating.
Srila Prabhupada advised wives not to correct their husbands,
taking on a superior position, but to behave in such a pleasing
way that the husband feels inspired to change himself. Of course,
the wife can always make loving appeals to the husband.
- 31 -

A wife should be chaste, and hence modest, in her dealings with

other men. Being married does not give one a license or liberty
to be uninhibited or too intimate in dealings with men outside her
immediate family. This will protect her in her faithfulness to her
husband.
The husband on the other hand is expected to consider his wife
as the Lords property, and so protect and cherish her with great
respect and tenderness. He is also to lead her to the path of
spiritual enlightenment. He should not exploit her, abuse her, or
beat her. He must remain faithful to her and be honest with her.
A devotee husband by serving Krishna, develops a service attitude
to the Lord and also to everyone else. He thus can be a good
husband who is not exploitative. He exchanges love in receiving
services from his wife by being appreciative of her services. He
helps and encourages her in her devotional services as well. He
accepts her as his companion and discusses all his plans and
projects with her.
A husband should not consider the wife to be a vehicle to fulfill
his lust, but must regulate his urges gradually by becoming more
Krishna conscious. Sex is linked with procreation, so that it has
a higher purpose than mere sense gratification. By praying to
Krishna for a good child, before engaging in sex, the couple
becomes conscious of Krishna at this time.. As the couple engage
in serving Krishna together and especially in giving the mercy of
Krishna consciousness to others, they will find less need to
engage in sex to find fulfillment in their lives.
O respectful one, a wife is so helpful that she is called the better
half of a mans body because of her sharing in all auspicious
- 32 -

activities. A man can move without anxiety entrusting all

responsibilities to his wife. By the Vedic injunction, the wife is
supposed to be the better half of a mans body because she is
supposed to be responsible for discharging half of the duties of a
husband. A family man has a responsibility to perform five kinds
of sacrifices, called panca-yagna, in order to get relief from all
kinds of unavoidable sinful reaction incurred in the course of his
affairs.
When a man becomes qualitatively like cats and dogs, he forgets
his duties in cultivating spiritual values, and thus he accepts the
wife as a sense-gratificatory agency. When the wife is accepted
as a sense-gratificatory agency, personal beauty is the main
consideration, and as soon as there is a break in personal sense
gratification, there is disruption or divorce. But when husband
and wife aim at spiritual advancement by mutual co-operation,
there is no consideration of personal beauty or the disruption of
so-called love. Marriage is actually a duty performed in mutual
co-operation as directed in the authoritative scriptures for spiritual
advancement. Therefore marriage is essential in order to avoid
the life of cats and dogs, who are not meant for spiritual
enlightenment. (SB 3.14.19 purport)
The husband and wife should both complement each other and
not compete with each other. They should consider themselves
as a unit with a common mission. It is said in the shastras that in
a home where the husband and wife cooperate together
peacefully, Lord Vishnu and Lakshmidevi reside always.
Often couples become disturbed if they have different natures
or preferences. They think that to have a successful marriage
they should both be similar in all respects. Being a complete unit
- 33 -

means that they should follow the yin and the yang principle as in
Chinese philosophy. Everything in the universe consists of two
opposites, the male (yang) and the female (yin) principle. They
balance each other and everything works in harmony. The
extroverted partner balances the introverted one. The more
peaceful partner balances the hyperactive one. The home-loving
partner balances the foot-loose one. The book-lover balances
the partner who learns on the job.
Rather than being critical of each others faults, weaknesses, both
parties must try to help the other person to overcome them. This
makes them take up responsibility for the other, and helps them
to develop the qualities of tolerance, patience, and empathy.
When Krishna is a partner in the marriage, these injunctions are
easier to implement. When it is difficult to convince the partner
of something, intense prayer to Krishna helps to make the difficult
easy.
By developing ones relationship with Krishna, one derives more
and more joy in serving and sharing and giving happiness to others
rather than gratifying oneself.
A devotee experiences the joy of being personal with Krishna.
He expresses his innermost thoughts and desires to Krishna. He
pleads with Him to let him serve Him and come closer to Him.
This personalism can help us to be personal in our other
relationships as well.
Personalism means that we care to know about the joys and
sorrows of others, and want to please them by serving them and
thus develop warm and close relationships. It is personalism
- 34 -

which can satisfy everybodys heart. Having Krishna as a partner

in marriage helps the couples to love Krishna and each other in a
deeper way and be spiritually and materially blissful!
Communicating ones thoughts, needs, desires, ideas and plans
are very essential to know and understand each other well. Both
husband and wife must spend some time alone together each
day. They could just be reading quietly together, or listening to a
lecture. As time passes, they share loving thoughts and sentiments
towards each other; their discoveries of each other. The express
any desires or needs they have from one another, their ideas,
plans, hopes, etc, and their common goals. Their spiritual goals
and some spiritual aspirations or realizations can be discussed or
planning some services for Krishna together.
When Krishna naturally becomes a part of the devotees lives,
they soon become surrendered and joyful, knowing that ultimately,
Krishna is taking care of everything and that there is no need to
be anxious or fearful about anything. They can inspire each other
in their faith and dependence on Krishna and this keeps them
happy, satisfied, confident, and free from all tension.
The marriage ties should be kept for the entire life and not be
broken even when there is deep trouble. Due to past karmas
devotees may encounter some difficulties from time to time. But
they should remember Krishnas injunction to always take shelter
of Him and thus overcome all the obstacles of material life. The
devotes therefore should start praying to, taking shelter of, and
being dependent on Krishna.
Difficulties are actually opportunities for one to come closer to
Krishna as well as to ones spouse. The devotees should go
from being fair-weather friends to being soul-mates who are well
wishing friends of each other no matter how difficult it becomes.
- 35 -

 Married life in ?Krishna consciousness the perfection of

married life because the basic principle is that the wife will help
the husband so that he may pursue Krishna consciousness, and
similarly the husband will help the wife to advance in Krishna
consciousness. So in this way both the husband and wife become
happy and their lives sublime. In Krishna conscious marriages
there is no question of any separation or divorce. Any
disagreement between husband and wife is not taken very
seriously, as much as disagreement between children is not taken
seriously. This is because the basic principle of married life in
Krishna consciousness is not whimsical lusts, but it is the eternal
principle of rendering devotional service to Krishna. (SPL to
Laxmimoni, 10th july, 1969)
Couples need regular counseling from senior grihastas to sort
out minor problems and to remain properly focused on the goals
and purpose of their married lives and especially on the Third
Partner. This will not only prevent problems from going out of
control, but also renew their happiness in their married lives from
time to time.
This marriage counseling occurs very naturally in a Bhakti Vriksha
program where the leaders are very close to their group members
and are aware of their personal needs. Because of building up a
relationship of love and trust with their leader, couples easily turn
to him/her. The leader also makes available a host of senior
leaders for counseling if the issue is more complicated than he
can handle.
Bhakti Vriksha is a program to inculcate personalism in all
relationships and so it becomes easy for couples to develop such
deep bonds between one another as well.
- 36 -

Chapter 5

Some problems and how to

counter them
Problem 1: What do you do if your spouse is not interested
in Krishna consciousness or is not as interested in Krishna
consciousness as much as you are?
You should first consider yourself fortunate that you have received
the Lords mercy and must pray to the Lord that the same be
passed on to your spouse as well. Prayer works. We receive
Krishna consciousness through the mercy and prayers of a
devotee. You should not feel hurt or angry with your spouse for
not accepting something that is dear to you. Because Krishna
consciousness has to do with the individuals relationship with
Krishna, even if your spouse is not responding so much to your
prayers, Krishna will!
Try to make Krishna consciousness appealing and attractive to
him/her by first by giving him a lot of love and by serving him
well. This helps to associate your spiritual interest with your good
behavior. Treat him to good prasadam. Invite some devotee
friends with whom you think your spouse can relate, and let them
become friendly with him. Your spouse is often more likely to
accept Krishna consciousness from outsiders than from you due
to lack of an ego barrier.
Devotees can engage the spouse in some service he likes doing,
could invite him to festivals and special programs, be in regular
contact with him, and create a favorable experience of Krishna
consciousness. Do not try to preach to your spouse or coerce
him to accept Krishna consciousness, as this can turn him further
away from it.
- 37 -

As regarding following regulative principles, you have to be

patient, and not be too hard or critical of him, in the name of
showing your concern for him. The most important thing is that
he should accept to start chanting the mahamantra. Then all other
things will follow. But this again cannot be forced on him. You
can chant a few rounds of japa to the Lord for his benefit and
pray that the Lord bless him with His causeless mercy. Of course,
you have to be careful about following your vows and
commitments yourself, but you can be tolerant about his deviation
now. Wait patiently for his gradual upliftment.
Go out of the way to love and be understanding. Do not try to
act irritable or detached from him, regarding him as a non-devotee.
Unless he is very inimical, normally with friendly dealings from
devotee friends, and your spiritual advancement, the Lord blesses
your spouse with His mercy. The Lord acts through the spiritual
master, and so you can ask your spiritual master, if you have
found one, to bless and pray for his soul as well.
In spiritual life it is very important to set a good example. The
teachings of the Parampara are simply based on this principle of
acarya. Sometimes the wife must bring the husband to Krishna
consciousness, so you yourself must chant sixteen rounds and
follow the devotional practices and reading my books. .. All of
you are coming from backgrounds of bad habits, so to make
progress in Krishna consciousness we must overlook the faults
of others. You must be patient with your husband. Chanting
offenselessly is the remedy for all of these diseases. So if you
are having difficulty then it would be better for you not to live
apart but to associate with other devotees.
Above all, you should understand that the difficulties that you are
undergoing in order to practice Krishna consciousness now are
- 38 -

actually purifying you to become more humble, faithful and

surrendered to Krishna. Difficulties are austerities to purify us
and love Krishna further. So do not go into a mood of self- pity,
negativism, and lack of faith, but trust that Krishna always takes
personal interest of His devotees who are trying to serve Him.
In the Bhakti Vriksha program, leaders take care of not only
their members spiritual lives, but also try to attract their family
members especially their spouses and children to Krishna
consciousness. They visit their homes, befriend the families, invite
them for picnics and other informal occasions with the other
members. In this way, try to win their hearts through friendship
and affection. This normally works very well as the spouses realize
how wonderful are devotees and how nice it is to associate with
them.
Gradually they agree to attend the Bhakti Vriksha group meetings.
You have to give a positive experience of Krishna consciousness
to him with the help of other devotees and pray to Guru and
Krishna for Their causeless mercy to descend on him.
Sometimes, even if the spouse does not yet want to actively
involve himself in Krishna consciousness, he may not impede
your spiritual progress and may help you and cooperate with
you so that you can engage in Krishna conscious activities. You
should be very appreciative of this and have the firm faith that the
Lord will bless him and definitely bring him to Krishna
consciousness. You should not act as a controller and try to force
his pace of advancement. This helps you to mature in your
attitudes and to develop Vaishnava qualities of being tolerant,
patient, and dependent on Krishna.
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2) How can we be fixed in Krishna conscious activities as

our minds are too attracted to enjoying a materialistic way
of life?
Without developing some attraction to Krishna through the
association of good devotees, it is very difficult to have the
determination to advance in Krishna consciousness as married
people. The association of materialistic people absorbs our minds
in meditating on how to increase our material comforts, sense
enjoyment, wealth, position, fame, etc. We think we have to make
concentrated efforts exclusively in the pursuit of material success.
Naturally, we lose the focus on Krishna, and in following His
instructions.
Those who are on this path are resolute in purpose, and their
aim is one. O beloved child of the Kurus, the intelligence of those
who are irresolute is many branched. (Bg 2.41)
If we have a sincere desire to cultivate Krishna consciousness,
we must first of all seek the association and help of strong devotees
who have the resoluteness to progress in Krishna consciousness.
Only then can we get the knowledge that Krishna is the cause of
all causes. As by watering the root of a tree one automatically
distributes water to the leaves and branches, so by acting in
Krishna consciousness, one can render the highest service to
everyone- namely, self, family, society, country, humanity, etc. If
Krishna is satisfied by ones actions, then everyone will be
satisfied.
We can do some devotional activities with our spouse like
chanting japa, performing arathis and reading the Bhagavad-gita
and Srimad Bhagavatam with him. We can request him to give
us wake-up calls so that we are able to get up early in the morning
to do good japa and other aspects of sadhana. We can learn
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from him how he manage his time to accommodate good sadhana

along with all his other responsibilities.
The Bhakti Vriksha program automatically ensures that every
aspiring devotee gets personal care and assistance to cultivate
Krishna consciousness seriously in his or her home. So if there is
a Bhakti Vriksha group meeting held in your city, do try to become
a part of that. You will get great inspiration, strength, association,
and enthusiasm to progress in Krishna consciousness.
3) Sometimes, the lower modes of material nature influence
us and we enter into needless arguments, quarrels, and
misunderstandings with our spouses. How can we avoid
this?
We need to have the spiritual strength each day to overcome
the lower modes, which will definitely fill our minds, if we have
been lax about our spiritual sadhana. Then the mind takes over
and we get into a trip of self-indulgence either mentally or
physically. Before long, we find that we cannot accept anything
opposing our own sense gratification.
While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops
attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops,
and from lust anger arises.
From anger complete delusion arises, and from delusion
bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered,
intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost, one falls down,
again into material pool. (Bg 2.62 63)
We need to think of our Third Partner early each day and pray
sincerely to Him and chant the mahamantra to Him, as well as do
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the Mangala Arathi (a quick one at least, if possible) and, during

the day, read some verses of Srimad Bhagavatam and Bhagavadgita. If we find time for this, we will save endless time on petty
quarrels, fights and heartaches.
Even if something disturbs us, if our sadhana is good, we will
have the intelligence to take shelter of Krishna and pray to Him
rather than become aggressive about situations we cannot control.
We will feel the reassuring presence of Krishna fill our mind,
restore our intelligence and we will not get into any passionate
arguments.
We will instead, be filled with peace, love and happiness.We will
know how to influence our spouse amicably or accept his opinions
peacefully, being fully aware that Krishna is the supreme
controller, enjoyer and our best well-wisher.
So, if the lower modes attack us, beware! We should not fall a
victim to them, but quickly pull out our chanting beads and chant
the mahamantra Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna
Hare Hare , Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare in
a desperate call to our Third Partner! If we can chant together
with our spouse, it has a wonderful effect as we are co-operating
together in getting the guidance from Krishna. He fills us with
peace and gives us the calm intelligence to solve problems and
also help us in various ways.
Persistent problems can also be sorted out by taking the help of
a trusted senior devotee counselor, who will be impartial and
guide us both in overcoming them. Do not ignore problems when
they arise. They can mushroom in size and cause irrevocable
damages in our relationship. It is better to discuss about it in a
calm manner with each other, or take the help of senior devotees.
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4) Why are some devotee marriages unsuccessful? They

divorce and remarry just like non devotees. How can we
avoid this?
Every devotee needs to realize that marriage is not for ones
sense gratification alone. It is an opportunity to learn how to love
someone other than oneself. Only if both the spouses learn how
to care for each other and serve each other, will they have a
deep and lasting relationship, which will keep them together for
a whole lifetime. This love and care is possible only when we
include Krishna in our partnership. It is not possible to be truly
selfless without Krishna.
True selfless love is possible only towards Krishna as He does
not require anything from us. We need not ask Him for anything,
because He is anyway looking after us out of love. Only He can
take care of us perfectly as He is the supreme master and
controller of everything. When we develop our relationship with
Krishna, our hearts open up. Then we can love our spouses
more selflessly. We will not be looking out to exploit them. Even
if a devotee has material desires, he is dependent on Krishna to
fulfill them. He just tries to do whatever will please Krishna and
Krishna reciprocates by making the devotee happy after making
sure that he will not forget Him.
Actually, Krishna is the true link between the two partners.
Krishna is concerned that we be comfortable materially and at
the same time make spiritual progress towards Him.
Every difficulty that we encounter in our marriage, we should
consider as an opportunity to remember our dear friend Krishna
- 43 -

and experience the joy when He comes to our rescue. You will
find Krishna helping you to make your marriage a successful one
and filling you with more and more love for each other!
By forgetting the Third Partner in his marriage, a devotee
whimsically tries to seek happiness by his own foolish
arrangements. Even after repeated failures to do so on his own,
he may keep trying to find that perfect happiness in married life
by switching partners. Finally, he may get disgusted, quit trying
altogether, and take complete shelter of Krishna.
On the other hand, one who has firm faith in the Third Partner
will not only have his desires fulfilled but also make tangible spiritual
progress in Krishna consciousness.
Krishna can take away our karmas. There is no need to endlessly
meditate on all the predictions of the astrologers and keep seeking
more of them to find out if there is any hope of material success.
Just take full shelter of your Third Partner and He can change
your destiny.
Once a devotee accepts Krishna in the marriage, he will be serious
about making it work. He will be faithful and loyal to his spouse,
be careful and sober in his dealings with all other members of the
opposite sex, and experience a happy and successful marriage.
We need senior devotees to counsel devotee couples periodically,
so that the minor differences are overcome without effort and
the relationship can continue smoothly without building up into
major issues.
Of course, in a Bhakti Vriksha program, the leader takes personal
care in the lives of his members and so the members feel free to
discuss their personal matters with him in faith. There are other
senior leaders in the program who are also involved personally
with everyone , and can help him to solve issues he finds difficult
to handle.
- 44 -

Chapter 6

Dealing with material life

Normally devotees who get married have one of two attitudes to
their material lives.
The first one is that they see no connection between their material
and spiritual lives and feel that since they are married now, they
must give the topmost priority to the necessities governing
maintaining a happy married life. They are fully involved in
improving their financial situation, bettering their comforts, and
enjoying material life together with family and friends. Spiritual
life remains in the background, if it manages to exist to some
extent, and the reason given is that there is no time for it now.
Though this group may find some material happiness and sense
of well-being for a while, they become completely distressed
when they meet with problems and so act irrationally losing sight
of all Vaishnava principles and may behave just as whimsically as
non- devotees in trying to solve their problems.
The other group also cannot see the connection between spiritual
and material lives, but give more priority to their spiritual lives,
making sure that they continue with an intense spiritual program
of sadhana and devotional services, but are very unsuccessful in
providing sufficiently for their families, in developing close loving
relationships or in giving them the time and attention required.
Though they are better than the firsts group in giving a higher
priority to their spiritual lives, their marriage is in shambles and
they feel frustrated balancing their material and spiritual lives.
People who lack proper knowledge, blame Krishna
consciousness for their suffering.
Both these attitudes are improper and are the cause of the failure
of most devotee marriages. They arise due to an improper
- 45 -

understanding of Krishna consciousness and a lack of knowledge

of Krishna.
The proper attitude is to remember that the goal of both their
material and spiritual lives is Krishna and that He is the source of
their success and happiness in both these areas. The priority for
the couple then,is to develop a personal relationship with Krishna
and to never forget Him in their lives. They take Him as their
most intimate friend and their benevolent guide and master.
Krishna should actually be the complete enjoyer of all their
endeavors.
He is mercifully allowing and helping them to fulfill their material
desires while enabling them to taste nectar as they render services
to Him. Material success tastes sweeter for devotees as they
thank Krishna for His kindness. Material suffering becomes a
period of purification, as they meditate on Him for relief.
If they increase their faith and love for Him, Krishna first of all
reduces their suffering. Later he removes the cause of the suffering
itself, which is over-attachment to material happiness. Finally when
they have been sufficiently purified, He removes the suffering
itself.
Like a touchstone, the very presence of bhakti makes the heart
and senses gradually lose their iron-like material qualirties.The
newly sprouted creeper of Sadhana bhakti unfurls two leaves
pointing upwards.. The first is called klesagni(relief from all kinds
of material distress) and the second is called subadha(beginning
of all auspiciousness).Subha, or auspiciousness consists of such
qualities as: disinterest in material affairs, interest in the Supreme
Lord, friendliness, mercy, forgiveness, truthfulness, simplicity,
equanimity, fortitude, gravity, respectfulness, humilty, and being
pleasing to all. Madhurya Kadambini, second shower of nectar.
- 46 -

The devotee gradually understands his relationship with Krishna

as His servitor and does all his activities in a mood of service to
Him. Established in the proper understanding of his connection
to Krishna, he enjoys life and is not bewildered by circumstances.
Such a devotee is blissful even in his material activities because
he is always connected to Krishna in the proper mood of being a
servitor rather than as a demanding spoilt child, who never grows
up.
It is thus necessary that we develop our relationship with Krishna
simultaneously with enjoying our grihasta life. This will be a
protective shield, which will guard us from degradation due to
material enjoyment.
Although you are young man, you have got your nice young
wife and child and by Krishnas grace, everything is all right so
far as your family is concerned, still you are feeling detached.
That is very nice. But when your wife and child are co-operating
in your Krishna consciousness there is no hampering your
progress. So keep yourself always in Krishna consciousness with
your family members, raise your children to that standard, and
employ your energy for serving Krishna. Then even though you
are in family life, you are as good as a sannyasi. (SPL to
Dayananda, 1st May, 1969)
If we can see Krishna in all circumstances, then we will always
be contented and peaceful. In the work atmosphere. for example,
there is much competition and strife and while one can continue
to earn ones living in such circumstances, we should never forget
that Krishna is always the controller. He is really our employer
and the person who awards the results of our activities.
While there is nothing wrong if we try to improve our material
situation through honest means, we should not become
- 47 -

despondent if our attempts fail. In every cloud, there is a silver

lining, especially for the devotees, as they see Krishnas hand in
all circumstances influencing situations for the overall benefit of
His devotees. He can change the attitude of your employer and
make it favorable to you if you are surrendered to Krishna, or
influence even entire policies of companies because Krishna
desires to benefit you in some way. He is the Paramatma in
everyones heart and can grant us so many amazing things, which
we can hardly imagine. A devotee is thus fearless in all
circumstances and accepts even reverses in life as the Lords
mercy.
The devotee should put in his best efforts in his job he should
not consider it useless maya, since he is using the earnings to
maintan a devotee family. Rather, he should perform his job that
he is paid for very diligently and responsibly without being too
attached to the results. He should not over endeavor or work
excessively to make a living, but should choose a job that will
give him enough time for his family and for his spiritual life.
He should spend and use a portion of the results of his work for
Krishnas service. This will help him to purify himself from greed
for wealth and attachment to the results of his work. Instead, he
will gain knowledge about his spiritual identity by working in this
manner.
The more that the devotee gives top priority to his spiritual life
and does not compromise on his spiritual commitments of sadhana
and preaching, the more he will find his material life becoming
easier to handle by Krishnas mercy. We are not meant to waste
our time in unnecessary material pursuits. Rather the aim of life is
to revive our original consciousness and relationship with Krishna.
If we are engaged in realizing this aim, then Krishna can help us
minimize our efforts in material pursuits.
- 48 -

Without Krishna consciousness, one will be in the illusion that

one is the doer or the cause of all the results of ones activities.
One then becomes enmeshed in material activities without
cultivating ones spiritual consciousness. It is difficult to overcome
ones Karmas and one becomes completely bound by the
happiness and distress of this material world, and will have to
take repeated births to make the same futile attempts to enjoy
life independent of Krishna.
If wives can stay at home, take care of the family, and engage in
Krishna conscious activities, it will benefit the whole family
immensely. If there is a dire requirement that they work, due to
economic or other necessities, it should preferably, be a part
time job, that will not keep them too long away from home.
The goal of the grihast ashrama is not to become more and
more prosperous, but to lead a balanced life and go back to
Godhead. If this perspective is always in the forefront, we can
make the right choices and decisions in life, which will always
prove beneficial in all ways. For the woman too, as the natural
duty prescribed for her is to take care of her home, neglecting it
or giving it a second priority will never satisfy her and will not be
helpful in gradually purifying her consciousness and developing a
service attitude.
In the Bhakti Vriksha group meetings , there are regular
discussions on the application of Krishna consciousness principles
in their personal lives: how to overcome problems by developing
faith in Krishna and surrendering to Him, while also taking some
necessary practical steps which are not contrary to Krishna
conscious principles.
- 49 -

Since there is a lot of care and guidance given in such groups, it

is easy for grihastas to develop a strong faith and relationship
with Krishna. They have a goal in their lives - to serve Krishna and so they can overcome all the difficulties with faith in Krishna.
They are helped to balance their material and spiritual lives. A lot
of care and attention is given to cultivating their sadhana properly,
so that they become strongly fixed and focused on Krishna
consciousness.

- 50 -

Chapter 7

Family and social responsibilities

Children are an integral part of family life. They bring great joy
and happiness to the parents as well as to other family members.
Children bring youth, vitality, energy, excitement, and innocence
with them and hence they are very much sought after by all
couples.Couples also want to expand themselves in the form of
their children and this gives them some physical and mental
satisfaction as well. It is natural to love your children and so one
must cherish, and take care of children well. This also brings
couples close to one another as they have a shared interest in
their children.
If you do not see how your children are connected to Krishna,
you may again fall into one of the two extreme category of
devotees. The first category may become so absorbed in taking
care of the child and enjoying its childish pranks, and feeling
proud of parenthood, that they may now have no time for Krishna
consciousness, giving the responsibilities of child rearing as an
excuse.
The second category may try to artificially curb their joy of child
rearing by being too strict with the children, or even neglecting
them by staying absorbed in devotional activities, or by not being
demonstrative in their affection to the children, or not giving them
enough time or attention.
If you love Krishna, you will first be grateful to him for giving you
a soul to take care of on His behalf. That soul is originally
connected to Krishna and has forgotten its relationship with Him.
- 51 -

By letting the soul take birth in a devotees family, He is giving it

a chance to remember and love Him once again. If you remember
this fact, then you can never forget Krishna when you are with
your child.
I am so glad to learn that you are coming here with your
child, Mr. Eric, and I shall be very glad to receive him here. I
hope he is chanting Hare Krishna as he is already accustomed to
it. This is the duty of father and mother, to enlighten children in
Krishna consciousness and thus save them from the clutches of
impending death. The Srimad- Bhagavatam instructs that nobody
should become father or mother if they cannot take this
responsibility, namely, stopping the repeated birth and death cycle
of their children. (SPL to Rupanuga, June, 1968)
While loving and taking care of your child and making it ready to
face the world, you will also ensure that your child becomes
aware of Krishna and starts loving Him. It is easiest to impart all
this knowledge in the form of narrating pastimes to children when
they are young and impressionable and their hearts are ready to
accept Krishna easily. If you take your responsibility towards
Krishna seriously, then you will never forget Him even while you
are engaged in taking care of your child. If you love your child,
you will want to give him the best possible thing in life. What
could be better to give than Krishna?
For the mother especially, the birth of a child takes away a lot of
time from devotional activities, but she must complete her chanting
japa, and cooking for Krishna and the family.
Child rearing has many rewards for spiritual advancement too.
The foremost is the development of qualities like patience,
tolerance, service-mindedness, and selflessness. It gives one the
- 52 -

ability to take responsibility for others and caring for their

progress.
Even when the children are grown up, the parents should not be
merely satisfied with their material progress and successes, but
must consider their mission incomplete, if their wards lack spiritual
advancement. All decisions in life must always keep in mind the
ultimate goal of life and then everything will turn out to be balanced
and successful.
They should never choose situations or circumstances, which
will reduce their devotional involvement. Then they will always
have Krishna as their eternal partner taking care of all aspects of
their life. This is the greatest gift they can give their children and
one that will make them fearless.
Children can develop a strong faith in Krishna, if from the age of
5, they can attend childrens programs for teaching them the
different pastimes of Krishna, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, etc,
learn some slokas from Bhagavad-gita , Brahma samhita, etc,
learn some bhajans, to chant the holy names, some fine- arts and
other activities related to Krishna consciousness. Learning
together with other children will make it very interesting and
inspiring and will give them some good friends in Krishna
consciousness.
If parents are involved in conducting home programs like the
Bhakti Vriksha groups for example, they will find it a very good
opportunity for children also to engage in some services. This is
a very good foundation for their spiritual lives: one that will ensure
that they will enjoy wonderful memories of their childhood, a
taste that will make it difficult for them to leave Krishna
consciousness!
- 53 -

Caring for ones parents

Vedic life gives great importance to respecting the elders,
especially ones parents, serving them and taking care of them.
Not only is this a civilized way of thanking them and repaying
them for all that they have given in the prime of their lives, but
also to benefit from their association for their wisdom, as they
share their experiences of life.
Co-operating together in having good relations with your parents
makes you love and respect each other more. True love is inclusive
of everyone. It is not selfish, but casts its radiance on everyone
who come in touch with it. It makes your love grow deeper than
just enjoying your own senses. It is a love of serving together
and serving each other.
Sometimes devotees parents may oppose their involvement in
Krishna consciousness and relationships may be strained due to
this. Nevertheless, as devotees, you should try to establish a
good relationship with them, even if they are a little stiff with you.
When they see that you have actually gained a lot through Krishna
consciousness and that there is nothing to condemn it, they will
relax in their attitude towards you.
Especially for your children, the association and guidance of
grandparents are a great blessing to their overall development.
Having no pressure of the responsibility of taking care of them,
grand parents are able to voluntarily give their time, attention
and love to the children, leaving conveniently all the tasks of
disciplining to the parents! In this way they can be a great source
of good influence and help in raising your children. Many things
that the children refuse to accept from their parents, especially
- 54 -

good counsel, is easily acceptable to them from grand- parents

as the relationship has always been free from all strain.
Taking care of their health and giving them physical services will
ennoble both of you as a couple as well as your children, who
will develop a respectful and service attitude from the very
beginning.
If your parents are spiritually advanced in Krishna consciousness
and are devotees, then automatically, their association is both
enlightening, and instructive. However, if they have not cultivated
their spiritual lives, they are prone to be materially attached. There
may be problems to do with their attitudes, behavior and
acceptance of old age. In any case, as their children, you have
the responsibility to introduce them to Krishna consciousness as
much as possible.
Your loving and good behavior can be a great incentive to their
developing a healthy attitude towards Krishna consciousness.
You can introduce them to those aspects of Krishna
consciousness they enjoy, like eating prasadam, listening to
kirtana, or reading books, visiting the Temple, etc.
In Sanskrit, the word for a son is putra and for daughter is
putri Put means hell and tra is one who delivers. One who
delivers you from hell is a son or a daughter. In Vedic life the
performance of Shraddh ceremony for ones parents after their
passing away ensures that they are not taken to hell but are sent
to elevated pious planets where they can associate with their
ancestors and live a long life of piety and enjoyment and make
further spiritual advancement.
Performing the process of pure devotional service of chanting
the Lords holy names, worshipping Him and preaching His glories
- 55 -

gives unlimited blessings to your parents as they have been

instrumental in giving you your body and in raising it. By praying
to the Lord for His mercy on them, you are sure to invoke His
blessings on them. As the Lord has unlimited mercy upon all the
family members of a devotee, He will definitely bless all of them
to come to the path of pure devotional service.
Bringing parents and other near and dear ones becomes especially
easy for grihastas through the Bhakti Vriksha program. The
atmosphere in such a group is very friendly and full of loving and
caring relationships. The discussions are very lively and interactive,
and it is easy for the family members to get all the basic knowledge
and philosophy of Krishna consciousness in such a meeting rather
than by being preached to by their immediate relatives. The
presence of other members also makes them realize that it is
very normal to accept Krishna consciousness!
Social relationships
Though devotees feel a natural, distaste to mingling in materialistic
society, some interaction with non- devotees is not just inevitable,
but also necessary, as you are part of the society.
We need not mingle so intimately with non devotees that we
become influenced once again to adopt a materialistic way of
life. However, we must have friendly relations with people:
enquiring about their welfare when you meet them, discussing
topics of general interest, helping them in some ways when they
require it, inviting them to your home for special functions, and
accepting their invitation sometimes when they invite you for theirs.
Provided it is not too much in the modes of passion and ignorance,
you can make your visit as brief as possible not compromising
on your diet and spiritual principles either.
- 56 -

Actually when people understand that you follow spiritual

principles, but are not reclusive or fanatic and are quite normal
and loveable, they respect you for your convictions and do not
take offense if you do not accept everything that they offer you.
In fact they will invite you only to those sort of gatherings in
which you will be comfortable. Just by appreciating and respecting
devotees, they become favorable to Krishna consciousness, so
this is good for everyone.
Among devotees, you should form close relationships with other
grihastas and have exchanges of home visits, prasadam and gifts.
You should inspire one another to render more services for the
Lord. When you meet with problems, it is ideal if you have devotee
friends, both equal to you in your level of advancement, as well
as your seniors to whom you can go to for help and good counsel.
These friendships help married couples to remain inspired in
Krishna consciousness always. You should choose the association
of inspired devotees who will help you elevate your
consciousness, who do not indulge in idle gossip and are sincerely
rendering some devotional services. If you can cooperate with
them in doing some preaching programs together, you will find
your friendship develop on solid grounds.
Grihastas very easily achieve all this by getting involved in the
Bhakti Vriksha program. As all the members are engaged
wonderfully in bringing new people to programs and taking care
of them in a personal way, their minds are all focused on serving
together in this wonderful mission of Srila Prabhupada and Sri
Caitanya Mahaprabhu. The enthusiasm among the members is
high, the relationships between devotees is full of loving services
and a mood of taking care of each and every member of the
Vaishnava community. There is also enough scope for a lot of
personal interactions and friendships.
- 57 -

Chapter 8

Overcoming obstacles
Material life is a passage through many ups and downs in our
happiness and well being. We have acquired many karmas or
reactions to our actions from our past lives and these affect the
experiences we go through in this life. What is important is not
what we experience, but rather how we experience it.
Krishna says: O son of Kunti, the non permanent appearance
of happiness and distress and their disappearance in due course
are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer
seasons. They arise from sense perception, O scion of Bharata,
and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.
(Bg 2.14)
There may be problems related to health, finance, job,
relationships, children, and many other related issues. Marriage
gives one the strength to face life together. Difficulties are an
opportunity to help and encourage one another, and share in
overcoming the obstacle together. This is what unites a couple in
a true bond of trust and love, a love that does not ebb when
there is a difficult time to endure. If problems make you irritable,
and take out your frustrations on each other and blame one
another, then your love is still very selfish and immature.
However, the understanding and togetherness required to face
difficulties are challenges, but trying to solve them intelligently is
a very enlivening experience instead. This is more so because
you have the Third Partner to depend on always.
Krishna says: If you become conscious of Me, you will pass
over all the obstacles of conditioned life by My grace. If, however,
you do not work in such consciousness but act through false
ego, not hearing Me, you will be lost. (Bg 18.58)
- 58 -

So obstacles and difficulties are actually an opportunity to take

shelter of Krishna, the most intimate friend. In the Mahabharata,
we read about the Pandavas, who went through severe trials
one after another, but as a family always remained united and
always dependent on Krishna at every instance. Krishna
personally took care to solve all their problems. This was actually
a nectarean experience for them and rather than lament about
the difficulties they endured, they overcame each one of them by
praying to Krishna and simultaneously taking efforts to do
whatever was required.
You could chant more japa together, read Bhagavad-gita and
Srimad Bhagavatam together, and in this way increase your faith
in Krishna and learn to trust in Him. He promises, in the form of
Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu to drive out all the ill effects of Kali
if we chant the Holy Names. If we are serious about our
relationship with Him, then He is ever responsive to make our
material life comfortable, so that we can advance in our Krishna
consciousness without much difficulty. Krishna promises in the
Bhagavad-gita, Abandon all varieties of religion and just
surrender unto Me. I will relieve you from all the reactions of
your sins. Do not fear.(Bg 18.66)
Our previous sins are the cause of our suffering and Krishna
assures us that He will remove the cause of our distress, if we
surrender to Him by taking shelter of His holy names.
Rather than slacken in our devotional activities when we are facing
problems, we should even more take shelter of Him in order to
get relieved of our problems.
What is difficult to achieve for determined men who have taken
refuge of the Lotus Fet of the Supreme Personality of Godhead?
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His Feet are the source of sacred rivers like the Ganges, which
put an end to the dangers of mundane life.(SB 3.23.42)
In times of difficulties, we need good counseling and association
from senior Vaishnavas, those we can trust, and who have our
interests in their hearts. Belonging to the Bhakti Vriksha program
helps as every one has a loving senior devotee taking care of him
or her personally and helping them even in their material lives as
much as possible. But most importantly, they give the faith and
intelligence to depend on Krishna and not be lost.

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Chapter 9

Ideal Husband A wifes

perspective
Every woman has her own dream of what she wants from a
husband and what she considers ideal. Whatever external
preferences she may have, there are certain inherent womanly
needs that are universal and so we can, based on her psychoemotional needs, make some generalizations regarding an ideal
husband.
A woman wants to look up to her husband, someone she
considers her superior, in strength, intelligence, moral character
and spiritual advancement. She seeks his protection and wants
to feel that she is cared for. Normally this is a good incentive for
her to be submissive, respectful, and loving.
A devotee wife is especially appreciative and respectful if the
husband is more spiritually advanced than her, and is eager to
advance further, so that she can just accept his authority and
guidance and follow him.
The wife is dependent on the husband, and if the husband is a
Vaishnava, then naturally she shares the devotional service of the
husband because she renders him service. This reciprocation of
service and love between husband and wife is the ideal of a householders life. (SB 3.23.1 purport).
She wants a husband who can provide sufficiently for her material
needs, for having a home, raising a family and having some social
relationships.
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She generally feels the need to be assured of her husbands love

and appreciation through sweet and affectionate words, through
gifts, by giving her time and attention and being aware or
concerned about her wellbeing. A lacking in this can make a
wife very depressed, unhappy, and frustrated. She wants to be
constantly reassured of her husbands love for her through words.
This is something most men fail to do as they are less
demonstrative in showing their affection. However, these small
acts can go a long way in keeping the wife happy without any
great efforts.
When she is emotionally disturbed, she would like to share it
with her husband, wanting his empathy and comfort. Most
husbands try to give solutions immediately, but this is very
indiscreet and tactless, as it suggests to her a lack of sympathy
and understanding. She gets an uncomfortable feeling of being
blamed for the situation. What the woman is seeking when she is
emotionally distressed is just some comforting words and feelings
of sympathy. This can easily satisfy her and prepare her to accept
the advice later on when her mind is more relaxed.
An ideal husband does not resort to using physical force to win
an argument or to exercise control over his wife. Even if the wife
is sometimes quarrelsome, rebellious or stubborn, if the husband
tries to use force, either to correct her or due to losing his temper,
this just creates a greater barrier between them. Marriage is a
partnership, where both have to help each other overcome their
weaknesses and progress in Krishna consciousness. The husband
can show his displeasure through other means, like just leaving
the place of argument or other non-verbal methods of showing
ones disapproval like being indifferent or avoiding her company.
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Ideally, the devotee husband can calm himself down by chanting

the mahamantra in seclusion. As the husband is the representative
of Krishna for the wife, such ideal behavior from the husband
will definitely inspire the wife gradually to rectify herself and be
more submissive. Later, when she is calm and in a pleasant mood,
the husband can also give his guidance to her on how she could
improve herself. Such a positive measure will not only make her
receptive to his advice, it will also inspire her to follow them
sincerely, especially when she is a devotee.
An ideal husband is one who respects his wife as a part of Krishna
and treats her with tenderness and kindness. He must be
protective and sensitive to her needs, especially when she
expresses them to him. As she is physically weaker, he must also
be attentive when she becomes tired. When there is a lot of work
pressure at home, due to looking after the children and guests, a
wife needs some help and assistance from the husband. Most
people live in nuclear families nowadays and there is little help a
woman can get outside her own family.
An ideal husband does not consider his wife to be a vehicle to
vent out his lust unlimitedly. He is responsible in his goal of
advancing in Krishna consciousness and so is serious about
following his devotional practices, about worshipping the Deities
and in taking part in preaching activities. These activities give him
and his wife a higher taste of being more spiritually conscious.
Then both will be able to regulate themselves easily without feeling
frustrated in communicating their affection and love for each other.
Though a man feels like enjoying the company and service of his
wife, he should also try to develop a service attitude and serve
the wife by helping her in different ways; otherwise it could easily
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deteriorate into an exploitative mentality. The couple can

experience real love when both parties want to give more than
take from the relationship. It is not an actual calculation of the
services done, but the attitude of wanting to make the other person
happy.
A husband should learn to appreciate the intelligence and
individuality of his wife as a part and property of Krishna. She is
unique in her own right and can be different from him in her likes,
opinions, and ideas. This is very healthy as it allows the woman
to bloom in her special qualities. A husband can win his wifes
gratitude for his encouragement and help to express herself, and
not feel stifled. As a grateful wife, she will voluntarily learn how
to respect and honor the husbands wishes and give it priority
when it clashes with her own opinions and desires. Love begets
love and respect begets respect, especially on the spiritual
platform. When a husband respects his wife as a spiritual being
as well, she will also respond and respect his wishes and needs.
Women tend to be more emotional than rational like men, and
this may sometimes be a reason for differences of opinion between
husbands and wives. However, many times women are right due
to their intuition and sensitivity and at other times could go wrong,
as they may be lead by their minds to arrive at wrong conclusions.
A husband should consider the opinions of his wife as well, but
make the final decisions. He keeps his wife informed of all his
affairs, and seeks her advice.
An ideal husband is also a very responsible father and gives his
time and energy to raising his children along with his wife. He
teaches them good spiritual values and ensures that they grow
up as mature and balanced Vaishnavas apart from training them
to be materially self sufficient.
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An ideal husband maintains close connections with his parents

and siblings, but is at the same time protective towards his wife
in ensuring that she is respected and accepted as a part of them.
This gives a great feeling of support and comfort to the wife, as
she has to build new relationships after marriage. This may not
always be easy or smooth sailing, due to differences in
personalities, and feelings of possessiveness. An ideal husband
knows how to please both the parties by being loving to all of
them and making them feel that they are all very important to
him. He can thus ensure that everyone develops mutual love and
trust. He should also respect and be friendly with the wifes parents
and siblings and consider them as part of his close associates.
An ideal husband is faithful to his wife both physically and
emotionally and considers all other women to be his mothers. By
always being aware that Krishna has brought them both together,
one can appreciate one another and ones relationship more and
more. He is reserved in his dealings with other women and does
not interact with them more than is necessary.
By being engaged in the Bhakti Vriksha program, a devotee
develops Vaishnava qualities like humility, tolerance, servicemindedness, respectfulness, selflessness, compassion and a
helpful attitude. Naturally, they also make better husbands, fathers,
sons, brothers, etc. Since this program enables husbands, wives
and even children to cooperate and serve together as a family
unit, it helps all the members to become more gentle, submissive,
and amenable to correction from senior well-wishing Vaishnavas.

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Chapter 10

Ideal wife- A husbands

perspective
Given a choice, there is no doubt that every devotee would like
his wife to have all the qualities of Devahuti (SB 3.23) for
example rich father, beautiful, very obedient, ready to serve
her husband at the cost of her own health, and no desire for her
husband to be wealthy!
It is common among devotees that women are told to emulate
Devahuti. This puts a lot of pressure on them to submit to all
circumstances and still be cheerful and faithful. Finding that this is
far too difficult, considering that few husbands are like Lord
Kardama muni, Devahutis husband, women may give up all such
attempts, and decide to follow their own instincts.
But there is a third path namely, to understand what are the
expectations which can be realistically fulfilled, are in accordance
with the sastras, and will contribute to a happy life with their
husband, serving the Third Partner.
Chastity
This is the number one expectation both partners in a Vedic
marriage have from each other. It is especially noted in the sastras
that the beauty of a woman lies in her chastity. Wives should
therefore understand that husbands do actually find great beauty
in their wives chastity, more than in physical beauty. They should
not talk with anyone other than their husbands in a familiar way,
and should maintain a distance from them, considering them to
be like their sons.
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Devahuti was not unfaithful. The most sinful activity for a wife is
to accept another husband or another lover. Canakya Pandita
has described four kinds of enemies at home. If the father is in
debt he is considered an enemy; if the mother has selected another
husband in the presence of her grown up children, she is
considered an enemy; if the wife does not live well with her
husband but deals very roughly, then she is an enemy; and if the
son is a fool, he is also an enemy. In family life, father, mother,
wife and children are assets, but f the wife accepts another
husband in the presence of her husband or son, then according
to Vedic civilization, she is considered an enemy. A chaste and
faithful woman must not practise adultery- that is a greatly sinful
act. (SB 3.23.3 purport)
Humility
Most men even in this age of womens liberation; expect their
wives to be humble. Stubborn refusal to listen to their husbands
or an attitude of Im more advanced than my husband is hurting
to husbands. Women can convince their husbands far more easily
by taking a humble position, and demonstrating their respect for
them, than by proving that they are wrong or nagging them. It is
more natural for a wife to influence her husband subtly than to
dominate over him, and this is an important ingredient of marital
harmony. You should remember that your husband is also a
devotee (if indeed he is), and not just an ordinary man.
Although a wife may be equal to her husband in spiritual
consciousness, she should not be vainly proud. Sometimes, it
happens that the wife comes from a very rich family, as did
Devahuti, the daughter of Svayambhuva Manu. She could have
been very proud of her parentage, but that is forbidden. The
wife should not be proud of her parental position.She must always
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be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As

soon as the wife becomes proud of her parentage, her pride
creates great misunderstanding between husband and wife, and
their nuptial life is ruined Devahuti was very careful about that,
and therefore it is said here that she gave up pride completely.
(SB 3.23.3 purport)
Sacrifice
A good husband feels greatly indebted to a wife who is sacrificing
by nature. Without actually placing herself in an abused position
or compromising on her spiritual vows, if a woman gives priority
to the needs of the husband, his protective instincts will be aroused,
and he will also want to please her in different ways.
Understanding
Men work on different principles planning their work and their
future, feeling of responsibility, and controlling their feelings, which
often conflict with the expectations of their wives. Women are
sometimes more interested in the here-and-now and in getting
constant expressions of love and support. Men do not like to be
called on to prove their love and their loyalties every day. They
are closest to those who do not have expectations of them. If
their husbands are not demonstrating their love every day, wives
should not think their husbands love has decreased, and get
upset with them. They can see other signs of love, for example, a
desire to spend time with them, diligent performance of their duties
as a husband, making proper arrangements for their present and
future care, etc. By showing this kind of understanding, a wife
gets a permanent and cherished place in her husbands heart.
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Compassion and love

In their relationships with family friends devotees or others
men are often more matter-of-fact and have to show strictness
at times. Wives are expected to be more compassionate and
loving, and this makes a good combination. Srila Prabhupada
wanted his devotees to be as brave as an English soldier outside
and as soft-hearted as a Bengali mother inside. This is more easily
achieved if the husband and wife work as a team in dealing with
the outside world, so that between the two of them, both these
qualities are available in abundance.
Service Attitude towards devotees
Preaching couples need to interact a lot with other devotees.
Serving them is a very important part of the preaching spirit, and
the wife has a major role to play in this. Particular roles for the
wife includes preparing and offering sumptuous prasadam and
seeing to the comforts of their guests. If they have not been trained
in this by their parents, then they may find it more difficult to
start. But they must make a conscious effort, and soon they will
start feeling the bliss. This will greatly enhance the success of
their preaching.
Cooking good Krishna prasadam
The English saying The way to a mans heart is through his
stomach should be always remembered by every wife. Todays
young girls are generally not taught by their mothers how to cook
nicely. In fact, they are very often encouraged to go out and
work rather than become a dull housewife. A wife who cooks
indifferently, or who engages a cook, or arranges to buy food,
loses out both materially and spiritually. Tasty prasadam is
essential for proper all round satisfaction and purification of the
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whole family, and for developing more love for Krishna. If you
did not learn this from your mother, then you should spend enough
time to learn from a good cook in your group, and also buy good
cookbooks, and cook varieties of dishes for Krishna and the
family.
Maintain cleanliness and neatness
This is also very important. The house, which is also a temple of
Krishna, should be maintained spotlessly clean at all times. The
bathrooms and kitchen especially need double the effort to keep
clean. All furniture must be dusted regularly, bed sheets must be
changed every week, and everything must be rearranged neatly
every day. If any thing is broken or out of order, she must remind
the husband (!) to attend to it. The wife must make all efforts and
maintain a good and simple interior decoration of the house, with
the help of her husband. The house must always be sweet smelling,
through incense, flowers, deodorants etc.
All this applies equally to the physical appearance of the wife.
She should always be neatly and elegantly dressed and take good
care of her skin and body. The aim should be that the husband is
always satisfied and attracted to the wife, and that everyone sees
the wife as a worthy devotee of Krishna. Slovenly appearance
does not make one look like a better devotee.
Take good care of the family
The wife has to ensure that all members of the family are provided
with prasadam, dress etc on time (with the husbands help, of
course). She should look after the material and spiritual education
of the children, sharing this duty with the husband, depending on
his time constraints. She should ensure that the deity paraphernalia
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and dressing are first class, and the arathis and offerings take
place on time. She should learn all the kirtanas properly and sing
them sweetly.
Devotional Service
Her own personal sadhana must be first class chanting, reading
the scriptures etc. She should cooperate with her husband in
their preaching and other services, with great eagerness. In fact,
this ingredient is the key to the success of the marriage. It helps
both husband and wife to develop all the qualities described in
this chapter and the one on the ideal husband. This also will help
overcome the inevitable storms in the life of the family. The wife
should never make the mistake of becoming complacent in
devotional service. ESPECIALLY if the husband is very nice to
her and the children are very attractive, which is probably the
biggest lure which Maya places in the path of a wife. She should
never reduce the familys preaching service. She should always
remember that the devotees under their spiritual care are equally
their family members. The eagerness with which they undertake
this care determines how pleased Lord Krishna is with them.
The wife must constantly attempt to improve spiritually, along
with her husband
Adjust
Sometimes, due to the pressures of devotional service, the
husband may not always be able to give the wife all the attention
she wants. The wife must cooperate with him in this. In fact, by
working with him, she will get all the required pleasure of his
company. There may be many challenges in devotional service,
and the wife must take these up boldly and fight shoulder to
shoulder with her husband. The wife must also overcome any
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ego obstacles and cooperate with other devotees, especially

women, overlooking any misunderstandings.
For women whose family economic circumstances are sufficient
for their needs without their having also to go to work full time, it
should not be too difficult to serve the family as well as Krishna
in the above way. Those wives, who have to go to work, should
try to take up less demanding or part-time jobs like teaching. In
any case, if she is not a full-time house-wife, then the husband
has to share some of the services mentioned above, but the wife
should feel responsible and exercise quality control and
management, so that they can fulfil their traditional roles in the
best possible way.
Submissive to the husband
If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to
understand her husbands temperament and please him. This is
victory for the woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Krishna with
His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens
were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before
Lord Krishna as His maid servants. However great a woman
may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way;
that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husbands orders
and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful.
When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their home
life is disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modern
day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken
even by slight incidents. Either the wife or husband may take
advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law,
however there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman
must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband.
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Westerners contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but
factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer
the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be.
In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana muni was not
young but indeed old enough to be Sukanyas grandfather and
was also irritable, Sukanya, the beautiful young daughter of a
king, submitted herself to her husband, and tried to please him in
all respects. Thus she was a chaste and faithful wife. (SB 9.3.10)
We see the change of heart in Cyavana muni due to his wifes
behaviour. He requests the Aswini Kumaras: Although you are
ineligible to drink soma rasa in sacrifices, I promise to give you a
full pot of it. Kindly arrange beauty and youth for me, because
they are attractive to young women. The Aswini Kumaras were
very pleased to see Sukanyas chastity and faithfulness. Thus
they showed her Cyavana muni, her husband, and after taking
permission from him, they returned to the heavenly planets in
their plane. (SB 9.3.17)
In devotees marriages, you have the Third Partner Krishna being
very active in their lives, so a woman can have full confidence in
Krishna. He will pleased with her for her submissiveness and
reward her both materially and spiritually. Her own husband also
rewards by responding positively to her submissiveness...
Respectful to elders
Every husband feels happy when his wife shows respects to his
parents and other family members and serves them with love.
Even if there is some discrepancy in their behaviour, a wife should
not criticize them openly to the husband, as it hurts him as if he
himself were being insulted. So the wife should show tact and
restraint in how she expresses her problems to him being mindful
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of his feelings as well. The wife should also work towards building
good relationships with all the husbands family members and
friends. Then she can win his support, protection and trust at all
times.
Gentle and sweet spoken
True feminine charm as well as strength lies in a wifes being
gentle and soft spoken. The husband is very pleased with having
a loving wife who is always speaking sweet words. On the other
hand he gets very disturbed by sharp and vindictive words which
can drive him away from her company. Even if there is some
displeasure or difficulties to be expressed, the wife can utilize
subtle methods like silent protests, tears or best of all, praying
to the Third Partner - rather than an attempt to verbally defeat
her husband.
Sauhrdena vaca madhurya, means always desiring good for
the husband and speaking to him with sweet words. A person
becomes agitated by so many material contacts in the material
world; therefore, in his home life he must be treated by his wife
with sweet words. (SB 3.23.2 purport)
Be a good mother
A womans greatest contribution to humanity is the raising of
children to adulthood, so that they can become useful members
of the society, both materially and spiritually. The English saying,
the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world is very apt in
this regard.
Motherhood also brings out the best qualities in a woman and
matures her, softening her rough edges. So a husband becomes
indebted to his wife for taking good care of his children.
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The best way to try to achieve perfection as a wife is to start

working on these qualities and services, and spend their lifetime
in continuous improvement. With the husbands working in the
same way to fulfil their roles as described in Chapter 8, both the
spouses will continuously increase the happiness of each other,
the family, and, above all, Krishna.

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Chapter 11

An interesting activity
for Couples
This activity is best performed in the presence of a senior devotee
who is trying to help you . But in the absence of any such person
around, you can also do this activity yourselves and feel very
personal and close to each other and your minor differences can
be easily settled. It may be a wise thing to repeat this activity
periodically, so you can prevent negative emotions from bottling
up only to erupt later!
1) Write down 5 good qualities or positive points about each
other in separate sheets of paper. Read them out to your partner
when both have finished..
2) Next, sit together and write a goal / goals that you share together
and how you want to achieve them.
3) Write again, together, how you would like to include Krishna
in your marriage. It can include things like how you will
encourage, help and appreciate each others devotional services,
appreciate each other as devotees and as dear and special to
Krishna, cooperate and serve Krishna together, read Srila
Prabhupadas books together, etc.
4) Next, write individually what each one perceives are the
problems faced by the other and how you think you can help
him/her overcome those problems.
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If there is a counsellor conducting this for you, he can give some

further guidance on overcoming problems.
5) Lastly individually write about 3 ways in which you would like
to serve each other, which will also be along Krishna conscious
principles.

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Chapter 12

Interviews with devotee couples

Angira Muni das and Kaveri dd

Angira Muni das is the Nama Hatta Co-ordinator for Moscow.

He publishes a quarterly Vedic Newspaper called the Golden
Age in Russian, which is very popular and has brought many
new people to visit ISKCON. He has many other publications
to his credit He is actively responsible in establishing Bhakti
Vriksha programs all over Russia.
He and Kaveri dd have been married for around 12 years.
Can you say that Krishna has arranged your marriage?
Definitely it was arranged by Krishna. First of all after some time
we had realized that we knew each other in a previous life. And
our relationships in this life started just from the point where they
stopped in the previous life And then I realized that my wife
has just all the necessary qualities to help me in my mission. So
that is definitely the mercy of Krishna!
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How much is Krishna a part of your marriage?

Krishna is everything in our marriage in the sense that we are not
interested in any activity which is not connected with Krishna.
We are not very advanced and therefore we dont feel any special
personal relation with Krishna. But all our activity is connected
with the mission of spreading the Krishna consciousness
movement. Sometimes we are tired, sometimes we are in maya
and may be during those times we cannot do any service.
However, we never consciously accepted any decisions, which
was not connected with the mission of preaching Krishna
consciousness.
So how does this positively affect your relationship?
Definitely, that makes us much happier. First, we have no time to
quarrel about some material things. Second, we have common
goals and values.Third, sometimes we feel real happiness because
of our preaching activity.
What activities do you do together?
We perform all our services together. Whatever we do together
is always the most successful. Krishna has arranged our qualities
in such a way that my wife can perform very well just those
things in which I am weak and vice versa for example I am
very good in creating plans, strategies and so on and she is
very good in getting practical results, in giving some final shape
to the things. So when we started to do some publishing I
became the editor and she became a designer. Now when we
more and more deal with Bhakti Vriksha development I am
good in preaching to the big audiences and leading different
groups and she is very effective in personal dealing with devotees.
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So you share a good understanding of each other. How do

you settle differences of opinion?
It took us some time before we have learned that art: how to
understand each other. First, you should understand that your
partner may have another nature and his necessities may be just
opposite to yours and you should tolerate that. Then you start
to understand him (her) better and you know how to help in
different situations.
You also understand that difference of opinion are natural because
of different natures and it can be even useful because it gives
you some new angles of vision.
What is the goal of your marriage?
In my first meeting with my future wife when we were discussing
the prospects of marriage we spoke mainly on the topic how
to help devotees and how to develop proper Vaishnava
communities We did not speak much about other things. So it
continues like that after twelve years of our marriage. Our goal
still is to help devotees and to develop Vaishnava communities
As I already said, we are not very advanced in our personal
spiritual life. Therefore, such service is our only hope
So giving love to others is a shared goal How much has
this helped in the love you share for one another?
Actually that creates real love, because all other types of love
are on the sentimental level and therefore are temporary. But if
you try together to do something for the devotees that brings
your own relationships to the spiritual level where the true love
can exist.
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Urukrama das and Seva Padma dd

Urukrama das and Seva Padma dd have been in Krishna

consciousness for the last 6 years . They were in Mathuradesh in
the Middle East where they came became members of the Bhakti
Vriksha program. At present they live in New Delhi, where he, a
chemical engineer works for a multinational firm. They are active
leaders and conduct Bhakti Vriksha groups together. They have
a teenage son.
How long have you been married? How did you meet each
other?
We have been married for seventeen years. We met each other
in a cousins house, and knew each other for two to three years
before getting married.
What is the cause of your successful marriage?
Our marriage is based on trust and faith in one another. We respect
each other and our beliefs and opinions.
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How is Krishna a part of your marriage?

Urukrama das: Actually she is the one who first came to Krishna
consciousness. She gets a lot of happiness in Krishna
consciousness and I help her in her activities, so it helps the
relationship. If I had not helped her in her beliefs, there would
have been disharmony.
Because of her efforts and support, I received a lot of mercy
from Guru and Krishna. I started enjoying Krishna consciousness
too, and also in conducting the Bhakti Vriksha meetings and
distributing Srila Prabhupadas books to others. Serving Krishna
together in the Bhakti Vriksha program has brought us closer
together.
What common goals do you share together?
We want to serve our Guru Maharaja, Krishna and all the
Vaishnavas together. Often we have different ideas, and yet we
always do everything together and are together in everything.
How do you resolve conflicts and misunderstandings?
Whenever we have differences of opinion and some argument
about it, it does not carry on for long. We recover and resolve it
quickly. When we face any odds in life, we surrender to Krishna.
Sharing our joys and sorrows with Krishna brings the whole family
together. For marriage anniversaries and Birthdays, we stay at
home, make nice bhoga for Krishna and pray to Him rather than
celebrate it outside the home. We want to make Krishna happy
and want His unlimited blessings on such occasions.
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Preaching gives us immense happiness than anything else. When

people get attachment to Krishna in our Bhakti Vriksha group
and go out happily, and when we teach them Bhagavad-gita, we
get the greatest happiness and satisfaction.

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Vraja Vilas das and Lila Vinodini dd

Vraja Vilas had been a Temple president of Kurjinovo farm

(Russia) six years ago. Then a few years ago they started a
restaurant in Harikov, Ukraine. They are expert cooks and the
caf was popular, but the two were using it more to meet people
and give them Krishna consciousness. Now, at the invitaion of
Viwasvan das, the head of the region of South Russia, they are
at Rostov Temple, Russia, and are preaching very sincerely to
the community of grihasthas there.
When and how did you get married?
Lila Vinodini: We got married seven years ago. I had gone to a
visit a devotee friend in Kurjinova farm in Russia to take some
rest. I was twenty-nine years old, and felt that I could not remain
a brahmacharini permanently. But I did not know how Krishna
would fulfill my desire. Vraja Vilas was the leader of the farm
community then. I started attending the temple programs and
listened to his lectures which I liked very much. I asked my friend
how I could attract him so that he would be interested in marrying
me. My friend told me that he belongs to Lord Jagannatha and
so you should pray to Him. I started praying to Lord Jagannatha.
After some time the Lord arranged for Vraja Vilas to speak to
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me. He would save some mahaprasadam for my friend and me

after the program as we liked to take prasadam. After that we
began to talk to each other and some relationship developed.
Vraja Vilas das: I began to understand her loneliness. I was
also attracted to her and began to appreciate her. But as a
brahmachari, I saw many grihasthas lose their focus in Krishna
consciousness, being very busy in maintaining themselves. I was
preaching to everyone that family life was Maya. So I was in a
dilemma: I was afraid to lose Krishna consciousness through
marriage. I was also proud to be a staunch brahmachari. So
after discussing with Lila Vinodini about it and meditating over it,
I rejected the idea of marriage.
The very next day I dreamt that Lila Vinodini was being given in
marriage to someone else! I was fearful of losing her and when
I woke up I realized that I could not forget the attraction to her.
The following day, Lila Vinodini sent me a letter begging me to
take her for a wife. She promised to be a good wife. This letter
touched my heart and I could not reject her appeal. I decided to
marry her.
The community in Kurjinovo was divided in their reactions to the
news of our marriage. Some accepted it and continued to respect
me and the other group had bad emotions about it.
This decision made me realize that I was just a humble devotee ,
and so I felt that I had made the right decision. In the temple, two
brahmacharis were concerned about my decision to marry, as I
had been like a father to them, and they felt some jealousy in
having to share my attention with her. When the brahmacharis
came to know her, however, we began to live like one family.
We continued to preach and do devotional services like
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Namahatta preaching and were satisfied in thought that Lord

Jagannath was maintaining us well.
What is the cause of your successful marriage?
We feel very happy when we are preaching. So it is easy to
overcome difficulties by following Krishnas plan. We are not
trying to plan something independent of His sanction. Due to our
devotional service, right understanding comes to us about the
world, and how it is functioning.
What devotional activities do you do together?
Vraja Vilas das:
We do Namahatta preaching program together. We want to
conduct a Bhakti Vriksha group after understanding deeply about
it. We invite a lot of people to our movement, but they do not get
the mission of their lives. But in the Bhakti Vriksha program, we
can focus on this. I am extremely confident that this is the most
important part of our movement. It was due to the care I received
from a mataji in my early years in Krishna consciousness, that I
am here in this movement.
For the last seven years we have been cooking for all the
Maharajas in the Krinitsa festival in south Russsia by the Black
Sea. Here in Rostov, whenever we are not travelling , we are
cooking for three pairs of Deities of this Temple.
Do you have any misunderstandings occasionally? How
do you overcome them?
Lila Vinodini dd:
I decided to be a Vedic wife, taking a second position and
accepting the husband as the superior.
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Vraja Vilas das:

Sometimes, in the first few years of our married lives, I was a
little forceful with her about how to do things. She accepted it
with all humility and did it for me. I felt very grateful to her and so
I changed my attitude and started being respectful to her thoughts.
Now, if we have misunderstandings, we talk to each other to
clear up all the points. After taking prasadam, we sit down
peacefully and discuss the issues. I can change my attitudes now,
and she can act like a Vedic wife because of the inner happiness
we share in Krishna consciousness.

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Suprasada Gauranga das and Trirekha Sundari dd

Suprasada Gauranga is a successful chartered accountant in

Bangalore. Trirekha Sundari, though a qualified engineer has
opted to work at home. Both of them have been in Krishna
consciousness for the last six years. They have been trained in
the Bhakti Vriksha program and are active leaders themselves.
They have been married for the last eight years.
When and how did you get married?
Suprasada Gauranga:We got married on February 20, 2000.
It was an arranged marriage. Both our parents were particular
that our horoscopes be matched by an astrologer. Only after
this was approved, a meeting was arranged between us. We
liked each other. I was happy to note Lord Krishnas paintings
all along the walls of their home. I was also impressed by the
humility of my future father in law.
What is your reason for your successful marriage?
Suprasada Gauranga:A marriage is successful only when both
the husband and wife are sheltered to serve Lord Krishna together.
I have noted that conflict resolution is very easy now after we
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have some to Krishna consciousness, since we have a common

goal of serving the Lord together. Even if any differences do
arise, they get resolved because of a higher understanding of our
purpose in life.
Trirekha Sundari: Qualities like being understanding,
sacrificing, tolerant, forgiving, overlooking mistakes, being
patient and above all, the Lords blessing and Vaishnavas mercy
help us both to have a happy marriage. The wife should know
her role and accept the husband as the Lords representative : a
protector and a guide for all spiritual and material activities. It is
important that the wife is submissive.
How is Krishna Part of your marriage?
Suprasada Gauranga das:We try to make Lord Krishna part
of our marriage and our family life. Frankly speaking I am still
developing the skill required to execute Krishna consciousness
in a manner which will make Lord Krishna an integral part of our
lives. Facilitating Bhakthi Vriksha Programs helps us in this, but I
am far away from having the spontaneous attraction towards
Lord Krishna like I would have towards my own child. However
we are confident that through the mercy of Guru and senior
Vaishnavas and other devotees, and importantly through Bhakthi
Vriksha Programs, we will develop that spontaneous attraction
to Lord Krishna and treat Him as an integral part of our family. I
have noticed personally that since the year 2002 when we came
to Krishna conciousness, we are certainly making progress in
this regard.
Trirekha Sundari dd:Krishna is a very important part of our
marriage, He is the main reasons for our successful marriage. He
is the head of our family when it comes to our doing activities.
When it comes to looking after Him, He is the youngest member
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of our family. We try our best to involve Him in all the activities of
our daily lives.
What devotional activities do you do together?
Suprasada Gauranga: We actually complement our devotional
services. We chant together early in the morning on the terrace
of our home.I am usually there by 4.30AM in the morning and
Trirekha joins me at around 5.30 AM. and we finish our japa
together. I perform the morning mangalarthi at around 6.30 A.M.
Trirekha on most occasions would have kept the Arathi
Paraphernalia ready the previous night itself. Trirekha cooks for
the Lord, and takes care of the abhishekam and dressing up of
the Deities. We both conduct Bhakthi Vriksha Programs. Trirekha
conducts Childrens programs too. We also attend Bhakthi
Shastri course . We take care of all the members of our groups
together.
Trirekha Sundari dd:We preach by conducting Bhakti Vriksha
groups, out reach programs, take care of all the devotees in our
groups, and sometimes cook for Lord together. We organise big
festivals under the guidance of senior devotees We attend
Bhagavad Gita study classes together.
How do you resolve misunderstandings?
Suprasada Gauranga das:I have noted that most of the times
misunderstandings arise when our consciousness is not proper.
However, because we are blessed with Krishna consciousness,
we quickly realise why this is happening and we immediately
surrender to the Lord and realise our true purpose in life. As a
result, all conflicts are resolved very quickly. Further. we have
able guidance of senior devotees and so we feel protected and
fearless.
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Trirekha Sundari dd: Misunderstandings can be resolved only

when our minds are calm. That is possible only by chanting the
Hare Krishna Mahamantra. When we start chanting, the mind
becomes capable of recalling what actually happened and the
mistake is accepted and forgiven. Then our misunderstanding is
resolved immediately. The Lords name is so powerful that any
misunderstanding becomes insignificant when we chant His names.

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Rupa Chaitanya das and Baladayini dd

They live in Mathuradesh in the Middle East and are senior leaders
of the Bhakti Vriksha program. They have trained and continue
to train many devotee preachers and leaders. Rupa Chaitanya
das is a civil engineer and works for a big engineering firm.
Baladayini dd is very active in preaching and together they take
care of many devotees there. They have been married for the
last nineteen years. They have a teenaged daughter, who goes to
college and chants a few rounds of the mahamantra daily.
When and how did you get married?
Rupa Chaitanya: Our marriage was arranged by our parents.
We were married on 22nd February, 1989
What is the reason behind your successful marraige?
Rupa Chaitanya :Since we are engaged in serving Guru &
Gauranga through the Bhakti Vriksha program, our attachment
towards material activities have reduced substantially. Being
engaged in the services, we do not spend too much time on
material issues.
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How is Krishna a part of your marraige?

Rupa Chaitanya : Krishna has brought us together and blessed
us to to serve Srila Prabhupadas movement.
What devotional activities do you do together?
Rupa Chaitanya : We are overseeeing Bhakti Vriksha groups,
conduct study classes, cook prasadam and hold programs in
our home, and travel to the interior regions of the country for
preaching.
Baladayni devi dasi:- For the Bhakti Vriksha program, we go
door-to-door and invite people for the program. We invite their
children as well. We prepare nice prasadam to attract new
members and take care of their children by engaging them in
different types of games. As a result they like to come again to
our Bhakti Vriksha group meetings. Moreover, they invite their
friends and neighbours to attend the program as well. We deal
lovingly with the members and stay in touch with them through
telephone calls. This adds to building our relationship .We counsel
them on their personal problems too.
As a result of all this, they advance in Krishna consciousness and
become devotees. We also train them in preaching.
How do you overcome any disagreements or arguments
between yourselves?
Rupa Chaitanya : We try to be tolerant, understanding and
listen to each others problems carefully.
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Baldayni devi dasi :- Since I am fulfilling the needs of my

husband and keeping him very comfortable, this situation rarely
arises. Moreover our prime goal is to serve Guru and Gauranga.
Therefore even if arguments arise , we make compromises to
settle the issue.

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Bheema Achyuta das and Srikanthi devi dasi

They are senior leaders in the Bhakti Vriksha program in

Mathuradesh in the Middle East and take care of hundreds of
devotees. Bheema Achyuta das works as a professor in a medical
college. They have a teenaged son. They have been married for
seventeen years.
When and how did you get married?
Bheema Achyuta das: We got married on 5th November,
1990. We have completed seventeen years of marriage
successfully without any problems, by the mercy of Lord Krishna
and Radha Rani. It was an arranged marriage. We were engaged
for six months and during this time we shared our views and
ideas. We would always meet in a Hanumanji temple for our
discussions! The marriage ceremony was conducted in a grand
manner for two days with a lot of Vedic rituals.
What is the reason behind your successful marriage?
Bheema Achyuta das:The reason behind our successful
marriage is certainly Lord Krishnas mercy as we do everything
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ultimately to satisfy Him. We both have a very good understanding

of each other; simultaneously we carry out our devotional services
together.
Srikanthi dd: My husband is very understanding, adjusting and
loving .
How is Krishna a part of your marriage?
Srikanthi dd: Krishna is everything in our life, and without His
mercy we are nothing. Actually, we did not know each other
before our marriage. I happened to visit his house and stayed
there overnight and my future mother-in-law prepared some
sweets for me. One day I happened to visit his aunts house for
Sathynarayana puja. Our marriage proposal was initiated there
after the puja. In this way, Krishna has always been a part of our
lives.
What devotional activities do you do together?
We perform all our devotional activities together. We perform
the mangala arathi together in the morning, read, chant japa, offer
bhoga to the Deities, sometimes cook together, and in the evening,
we do the arathi.
We conduct programs at home for the devotees; we visit their
homes, organize festivals, meetings, take care of all the members
of our groups and also shop for Krishna together.
How do you overcome any disagreements or arguments?
Srikanthi dd: Sometimes, when I am a little argumentative , my
husband tries to convince me. Whenever there is some
disagreement in deciding things, we discuss about it together and
then take the final decision.
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Chapter 13

How the Bhakti Vriksha program helps couples.

(For more understanding of the Bhakti Vriksha program, please
read the Bhakti Vriksha manual, the book Free to preach as
well as the six set of modules which give you a step-by-step
guide and material for completing a Bhakti Vriksha group program
in sixty four weeks. It is a weekly program. Please also write to
our email id: veejayprema@gmail.com)
The Bhakti Vriksha program is a unique program designed to
open the hearts of people and make them start to love and care
for people. No loving and caring can be complete without Krishna
in the centre, and since Bhakti is in the centre of the Bhakti Vriksha
program, it nourishes every member to bloom with love and
devotion to Krishna .
Personal relationships are at the heart of the Bhakti Vriksha
program. By learning to come close to people, and love them, all
the members of the Bhakti Vriksha group then extend the same
to others as well. The members develop good qualities like
humility, compassion, enthusiasm and deep practical faith in
Krishnas instructions.
One of the two main pillars of the Bhakti Vriksha program is the
group discussion on Krishna conscious philosophy, which
explores how to practically apply the principles and instructions
of the Bhagavad-gita. This is further fortified by study classes
which prepare the members to have a sound understanding of
the scriptures. The other is the training given to share this
knowledge and provide leadership to others.
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Everyone in the Bhakti Vriksha program is trained to render

different services to the Lord and His devotees. They develop a
serving mood easily, as they follow the example of their leaders.
Example is better than precept, and so very naturally the members
develop these qualities by observing and associating closely with
their Bhakti Vriksha leaders, who are more like their friends as
well as parents.
Soon they are ready to also lead a group themselves and pass
on the love to more and more people in a systematic and efficient
way. Naturally, this also brings about more love and care between
the couples themselves. They learn to care for each other, serve
each other and truly love one another.
This program includes the whole family. Even children help their
parents in being friendly to the members and in serving them. So
the family gets a wonderful service to do together and this is very
enjoyable for all of them.
Normally, tensions or strained relationships occur sometimes in
family life if one or some of them are too involved or enthusiastic
about devotional services and others are not. But from the very
beginning, the Bhakti Vriksha program involves everyone to their
best capacity and makes them enthusiastic to do more and more.
No one is an obstacle in each others service to Krishna, but
rather a great help and support to advance in Krishna
consciousness! Even if all the members of the family are not
equally involved or enthusiastic, they develop a positive and
healthy attitude towards Krishna consciousness as the members
of the Bhakti Vriksha group are friendly and helpful to them too.
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Husband and wife leaders cooperate in taking care of the group

members together, so they come closer and their relationship
becomes deeper at a spiritual level too. There is constant
communication and understanding developing due to this.
Because of being engaged together in this way, there is little time
for arguments and quarrels. Also by taking care of others, they
become less selfish and more selfless, and this has an impact on
their relationship too. Their personality is constantly evolving, so
their lives are improving and exciting all the time.
Bhakti Vriksha preaching motivates the group leaders to maintain
a good sadhana, as the leaders have to set an example to their
group members. Spiritual leadership cannot be effective without
good sadhana. The close association with other devotees and
the enjoyable services performed with them makes leaders more
enthusiastic to perform their sadhana very sincerely.
The first practise which improves is their chanting japa of the
mahamantra. The Bhakti Vriksha family of devotees help one
another to get up early by giving wake-up calls to each other.
They help one another in transportation for common mangala
arathi programs. They participate in japa-marathons or special
japa retreats for extended hours on some holidays.
The children get association of other devotee children and this
helps them to sustain their Krishna consciousness. While the adults
have their program of the group meeting, the children also have
theirs. They also get many services to do, acquire more Krishna
conscious knowledge, have a good sadhana and Krishna
conscious friends.
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Since the Bhakti Vriksha program trains everyone to be

disciplined and efficient in time- management, couples find that
they have enough time to pursue both spiritual and material
activities.
Grihasthas can actually make tangible advancement in Krishna
consciousness very quickly as they develop enthusiasm for their
sadhana and services as well as in developing Vaishnava qualities.
The Bhakti Vriksha program involves the leaders in helping to
solve their members personal problems. There is a hierarchy of
devotees available to counsel people in their material and spiritual
problems. Marriage counselling is also a part of this. Devotee
couples can overcome their misunderstandings through timely
help from the leaders.
Since the members are filled with idealistic enthusiasm, it is easier
to counsel devotee couples in case they come up with problems.
Their faith and surrender to Krishna being quite developed, it is
easy for them to take shelter of Krishna and solve their problems.
With a definite goal in life and the means to achieve it, as well as
the companionship to do it, devotee couples can remain loyal
and faithful to one another. They can be happy in the awareness
of the Third Partner, Krishna in their marriage, in the association
of wonderful devotees in the Bhakti Vriksha program who help
them become useful members of the Vaishnava community..

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About the authors

Vijaya Venugopala das and Prema Padmini dd were initiated in
the year 1989 by HH Jayapataka Swami. Since then they have
been preaching in the Middle East country codenamed
Mathuradesh. Since 1996, they have been developing the
Vaishnava community there on the basis of the Bhakti Vriksha
system and have had tremendous success.
They travel all over the world and give leadership training and
Vaishnava community building seminars based on the Bhakti
Vriksha system, as well as grihasta seminars. They have counselled
scores of married couples in leading a successful grihasta life.
They have authored the following books: Bhakti Vriksha
Modules, The Bhakti Vriksha Leader, The Sector Leader and
Free to Preach which gives an account of how they established a
Vaishnava community in Mathuradesh.
They have returned to India in 2006 and live in Bangalore. They
continue to take care of Mathuradesh and also travel all over the
world.

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