Brian Patrick Aiken

925 Somewhere Ave

Springfield, American Samoa
Education
M.S. in Public Education from University of Hard Knocks, Philadelphia, PA
B.S. in Interdisciplinary Disciplinarianship from Kimbo Slice College, Killeen,
TX
Certifications
6th-Degree Black Belt in Taek Yo Doh
Employment History
Professional Bacon Critic
Aikens Bacon Ltd.
2015-Present
Inspects bacon for freshness, quality of cut, and flavor.
Responsible for proofing and editing critiques for 5 other critics.
Published work includes coverage for Food Network and Maxim Magazine.
Indentured Servant
United States Gubmint
2011-2015
Does exactly as instructed.
Received High Honors for demonstrating complete lack of thought.
Thoroughly trained 250 individuals to proficiency in necessary tasks.
Professional Struggler
Available Solutions, Inc.
1998-2011
Finds unique and effective solutions to many of lifes problems.
Successfully survived Adult Life, Legendary difficulty.
Established standards for 50 individuals in the Struggling field.
References upon request