Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Manual 4 Couples
Manual 4 Couples
Manual 4 Couples
Page
Mission Incredible
Issues/Problems/Concerns
Stumbling Blocks
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11
12
14
15
16
Feelings Exploration
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Developing Appreciation
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Appreciation Interview
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Drift/Shift List
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Notes
MISSSION INCREDIBLE
The Infinite Journey To Conscious Loving
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make a heroic shift out of an old paradigm, the default
programming that we're born into-Unconscious Loving-to a new paradigm, Conscious Loving. Here's a
quick look at the old and the new paradigms, so you'll know what you're getting out of and gelling into :
UNCONSCIOUS LOVING
We repeat the same patterns and problems over and over, and we don't identify ourselves as the
source of those patterns and problems. We spend a lot of time ignoring or recycling the patterns,
and expend considerable energy trying to prove somebody else is to blame.
We get defensive in situations where we could get enlightened. Somebody says "Hey, you've got a
drinking problem." We reply, "Says who?" They say, Well, you drove into the driveway last night,
ran over the kid's trike, threw up in the flower bed and peed in your wife's steam iron." We reply,
"Nobodys perfect, and you're a jerk for ruining my day with your negativity. (Defensive
maneuvers: Getting sleepy, bored or tired; getting irritable, hostile or tense; getting fascinated by
TV, food, liquor, tobacco, drugs; stonewalling, sulking, withdrawing.)
We have feelings we don't share, or are carrying secrets we haven't told to the relevant person.
(Distinction between secrets and privacy: Secrets are things you hide because you're afraid of how
others would react if they heard them ...privacy is when you keep something hidden because to
share it would dilute its personal or sacred nature. Example: For Bill, Monica was a secret, and the
relevant person to tell was Hillary. For Monica, the journal she kept would fit the privacy
category.)
We think of ourselves as victims, and go back and for the between thinking of others as
perpetrators or follow-victims. In conflicts, we argue from the Victim-Position, casting others as
Villains. To resolve arguments, we often join the others in being Fellow-Victims.
Example
Us: You're ruining my life, you jerk.
Them: No way. Youre ruining my life, you jerk.
(Repeat until somebody drops from exhaustion.)
Us: You know what? You and I are okay. Its the world that's ruining our lives.
Them: Yeah! Here, have a brewski.
We don't express our full creativity, and have a variety of reasons, many of which are excellent,
why we're not doing so.
CONSCIOUS LOVING
The new paradigm is built on the earlier foundation described in our earlier books such as Conscious
Loving and Lasting Love. In that book, two principles occupied center stage: The Authenticity Principle
and The Responsibility Principle. The Authenticity Principle holds that relationships only flourish when
both people speak the microscopic truth. If any relationship problem recycles, look for the significant truth
that has not yet been spoken. If the microscopic truth is not spoken (for example, I didn't have sex with
that woman,) a costly and tiresome melodrama usually occurs in the aftermath of the lie.
The Responsibility Principle holds that relationships only flourish when both people take 100%
responsibility for any issue that arises. By contrast, most people try to apportion responsibility, which
always leads to blame, conflict and power struggles. For example, a repetitive conflict about money only
resolves when each person claims full responsibility by asking, Even if it looks like my partner's
problem, in 'what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of this problem?"
If a pattern or problem repeats itself, we look for the source of the pattern in ourselves, even if
another person looks like the main character in the drama. Example: Even if your partner is the
one who's come home drunk every night for the past sixteen years, the conscious person thinks,
"Hmmm, how am I inviting this sort of behavior in my life?" and "Hmmm, who was it that didn't
kick him/her out fifteen years and 364 days ago?"
We commit ourselves to learning, instead of getting defensive, in every interaction. We get skilled
at thanking people and the universe for giving us feedback, instead of punishing them. "Thanks for
pointing out my drinking problem. From my actions-the trike, the flower bed and the steam iron-it
appears I'm out of control."
2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com
We tell the truth, and give enough detail so that the relevant other person fully understands. Bill:
"Yes, indeed, I had sex with that woman. The first five times were fun and titillating, although I
didn't ejaculate, but the last two times were ho-hum even though I did. I feel guilty as hell and
scared you won't like me.
We take full responsibility for what happens in our lives, and seek out relationships with others
who also take full responsibility. In a conscious relationship there are no power struggles because
each person takes 100% responsibility.
We commit ourselves to full creative expression and don't have time to accuse others of
oppressing our creativity.
We speak appreciations frequently. Examples: I appreciate you for helping Kevin with his spelling
last night. I appreciate the way you look today. I appreciate your sense of humor.
QUANTUM LOVING
We've found that it's possible to lake a rapid ride to hitherto-unimaginable relationship heights by
adopting one very radical concept and practicing one very simple technique.
The Concept
Stop focusing on problems, difficulties and issues for a period of time - a month is a good period of time to
start with - and instead focus only on expressing appreciations to your partner (or to anyone else you want
to. be close to, such as children or co-workers.) At the end of the period of time, you can always go back
to focusing on problems if you want to. However, most people find that expressing appreciations clears up
even long-standing, recurring problems that nothing else has budged.
The Technique
Step One
Choose a heartfelt commitment to making the expression of appreciation your top creative priority. In
other words, choose to regard thinking up and delivering appreciations as your highest art form. A year or
so ago, I (GH) chose appreciating Katie as my highest priority art form. Until then, I regarded my writing
as my highest priority art form. I decided to put as much time and energy into noticing things I appreciate
about her, thinking up ways to appreciate her and delivering appreciations to her as I did to my writing.
To my delight our relationship took a quantum jump-it was already great! -- to absolutely transcendental.
To my great surprise, my writing became even more fun and productive.
Step Two
For one month, put your focus on one major activity: Think up and deliver appreciation as often as you
can, but at least ten to twenty times a day. Focus mainly on verbal appreciations, appreciation by-touch
and telepathic whole-body appreciations. Use material appreciations sparingly if at all.
At the end of the month evaluate the level of positive energy that's flowing between you.
2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com
Circle your choice above, then write it out and sign /date it below.
choose to experience life
I,
.
(Your signature)
(Date)
(From The Conscious Heart: Seven Soul Choices That Create Your Relationship Destiny, by Kathlyn and
Gay Hendricks, Bantam, 1997).
STUMBLING BLOCKS
Unconscious Commitments That Hinder the Journey
Every step on the spiritual path of relationship is a step into the unknown. No need,
therefore, to make ourselves wrong for stumbling. Stumbling is fine, okay, to be
expected. Perfection is unlikely for any of us. Progress is measured by how quickly
you can re-embrace your soul-commitments after you've slipped off. After all,
many of these unconscious commitments are not even our own ideas - we're born
into a group of people who already are practicing these commitments, and we
adopt them by what we see around us.
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HIGH OPENNESS-TO-LEARNING
+5 CLAIMING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ISSUES, PROBLEMS, RESULTS.
I'm angry that you cleaned out your checking account and bought a new pick up truck for your lover.
I take full responsibility for inviting this situation into my life. While I'm figuring out how and why I created this,
I'd like you to find another place to live.
+4 APPRECIATING FEEDBACK, REGARDLESS OF HOW IT WAS DELIVERED.
Thanks for telling my I forgot to empty the trash. It hurt to have you attach the note to a bowling ball and drop it on
me while I napped, but perhaps it will help me to remember next time.
SHIFTS
+3 LISTENING GENEROUSLY
Summarizing the other person's statements without interjecting your point-of-view. . .
If I'm hearing you accurately, you're saying you don't want to spend our vacation with my parents."
DRIFTS
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VICTIM
POWER
I express my full creativity, and I create a space around me that brings forth
others' creativity. I see other people as powerful and creative.
+2
Even under stress I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions. I'm clear
about what I really want and need, and enjoy getting and giving
support as others and I meet our needs and goals. I see others as fully
responsible.
+1
-1
-2
I act whiny, helpless and/or entitled. Other people look like they're persecuting
me. I try to manipulate them into giving me what I want by whining louder or
acting more helpless.
If this doesn't work, I escalate to -3.
-3
I terrorize people with my hostility. I emit hate, and try to bring other
down.
people
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acceptance until you feel a whole-body shift. You can try it out, using the following
instructions, just as I give them in my office.
Notice the feeling in your body of accepting what day it is today. For example,
suppose today is Friday. In your mind, think Today is Friday and I accept it. Fill in the blank
with whatever day it is. Repeat this sentence a few times in your mind. At the moment you
say the day, notice in your body what it feels like to accept whatever day it is. By contrast,
imagine how it might feel to resist accepting that its Friday. Your body would feel completely
different inside, even though it wouldnt change the fact that its Friday.
Now, use this same technique to accept something real that you havent been able to
accept. For one person its something about the past that cant be accepted...for another its
something about a body part...for a third its an unbearable loss. Until we accept reality at a
whole-body level, our bodies stay poised in a stance of resistance. Focus on your biggest
symptom, perhaps, or one of your biggest problems. For example, say Its Friday and Im
thirty pounds overweight. Or Its _______ and I hate my job. Or Its _______ and I cant
control my drinking.
5. The Fifth Miracle-Move: Wonder-Shift
Instructions: When you notice yourself worrying or recycling any repetitive thought
pattern, stop the train of thought and turn it into a wonder-question. A wonder-question
begins with the words I wonder... and asks a question you genuinely dont know the
answer to.
Example: You notice that you are worrying about whether you have enough money to
pay all your bills. You realize youve been recycling the same worries for days without any
productive ideas. You stop the thought-stream and introduce a wonder-question: How can I
always have plenty of money to do all the things I want to do? Then watch carefully what
happens in the next ten seconds.
6. The Sixth Miracle-Move: Immediate Ownership
Instructions: When any problem arises, make the three following related moves as
quickly as you can. Each produces instant results; all three together speed up the flow of
miracles. First, take ownership of the issue itself. If youre in an argument or difficult situation,
say I claim full responsibility for creating this argument or situation. This puts you in the
power position. Second, take ownership of the (unconscious) intention thats working. Say, I
must have a need to create an argument with you right now. Third, take ownership of the
solution. Say, I take responsibility for creating a favorable outcome. Do not under any
circumstances let the other persons reaction dictate how you proceed.
7. The Seventh Miracle-Move: Leading with Appreciation
Instructions: Before initiating any significant conversation, pause for a few seconds to
cultivate a feeling of genuine appreciation for the other person. Once attained, speak the
truth of this as your lead-in to whatever else you want to discuss.
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I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of evaluating either of us.
(appraising, determining the worth of...)
I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of judging either of us as right or
wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid.
I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of comparing us to each other or to
anyone else.
(Compare: "to bring things together to ascertain the differences and similarities to them")
I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free from controlling the feelings,
energies or actions of either of us.
(Control: "to curb, restrain, hold back, have authority over, direct or command")
I commit to listening carefully enough that I can restate the content of what you have said
without adding my point of view to it.
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FEELINGS EXPLORATION
Which feeling(s) do you try to stop
in you?
your partner?
How?
Which feelings do you go away from
in you?
in your partner?
How?
When your partner is angry, what story/meaning do you give to that?
---angry at you?
---angry at themselves?
---angry about something/someone else?
Are you willing to commit to befriending all the feelings that arise in your
relationship?
What action step can you create to begin taking you towards living your
commitment every day?
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Problem-Solving Tossing
Stand facing your partner. Designate the first Leader. You both will toss in this activity.
Leader, think of an unresolved issue, something you'd like to clear up. Let you face take on an
exaggerated expression of the way you experience this issue right now, such as a scowl or pursed lips or
"Home Alone" face.
Now toss this facial expression to your partner. Think of the expression like a mask that you can actually
toss.
Partner, catch and try on this exaggerated expression on your face for a moment. Then make some
change in the facial expression and toss it back to the leader.
Leader, receive and try on the expression, then make some change in it and toss it back.
Toss and change several times until the leader experiences a shift in the issue. (The shift could be a
lightening up of loosening of the grip of the problem, a solution, or a sense of curiosity rather than stuck).
Variations:
You can extend the toss to include whole-body gestures and postures that you toss back and forth.
Explorers have reported generating more fun and creativity when they use a whole-body toss. Then shift
leaders and repeat the activity.
Each of you can toss body sensations or tension from one part of your body to another until the stress
loosens up. Remember, the quickest way to change your mind is to change your body.
Creative Tossing
Sometime when you are working on a project or want to generate some new ideas, use this movement
activity.
One of you think of the project and use your hands to sculpt the air in front of you into a shape that matches
your experience of it right now. Then toss the shape to your partner. Partner, reshape the sculpture and toss it
back. Make a few tosses, then add a word to the toss each time. Continue to toss and sculpt a few times until
you reach a satisfying completion."
Benefits of the Toss:
Players shift from power struggles and attempts to control the game to keeping the game going.
Players renew the game over and over.
Players gain skill in co-creating and confidence in making changes that benefit all players.
2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com
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Appreciation Interview
1. How do you most like to be appreciated:
a. Verbally, written, or
?
b. Alone, with your partner, with friends, in public or
?
c. With or without props (flowers, cards, orchestra)?
2. What body sensations let you know you are expanding your capacity to receive
appreciation?
3. What does your partner do that really works in appreciating you?
4. What timing do you like best for appreciations? For example, do you
receive appreciations regularly, be surprised by them, or get a
like to
bunch at once?
5. What qualities, skills and attributes do you display that you would like
appreciated more?
6. What qualities about you, that youve tried to change or get rid of, would
you be open to truly appreciating?
7. Whats the current frequency of appreciation in your relationship?
Would
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