ENFP: So before we get into the juicy questions, there are a few linguistic nuances that

readers wanted clarified. The first one relates to success as an INTJ, what is your
definition of success?
INTJ: My definition of success correlates with my vision of long-term projects. Success is being
able to have made some kind of impact or influence on the world that is in line with my personal
morals. INTJs like long term projects and success is viewed in that way too its kind of a long
term project of trying to make an impact in away that fits with our vision of the world and our
ideals.
ENFP: What are INTJ ideals like?
INTJ: Well get to that later it ties into our expression of introverted feeling.
ENFP: Fair enough. Next clarification what is your definition of failure?
INTJ: To me, failure is any situation in which I feel useless.
If something goes wrong and [the INTJ] can reason why it happened, thats fine we can look at
it and theorize that we could have done X, Y or Z to prevent the situation. The problem was the
plan. But if something goes wrong for no reason that is apparent to us, its easy to internalize that
and assume that we ourselves were the problem. This is especially prevalent in the social sphere.
For example, if I reach out to a friend multiple times and they dont get back to me, Ill fail to see
a flaw in my plan and then have to ask myself if the problem is me.
To give another example this time from the academic sphere INTJs tend to set very high
ideals for themselves academically. If we feel like were making progress on those ideals thats
great but if weve given it our all and still cant seem to make our ideals, thats when we have to
put ourselves into question. Thats when were forced to ask ourselves if weve failed.
ENFP: Interesting. Last definition question how do you define the experience of love?
INTJ: This is a really tough one.
My definition of love involves a deep connection and a sense of unity. It should involve the
qualities of openness, honesty and safety safety both in the sense of security and also in the
sense of feeling free to open up and come out of my shell with whomever Im with. I want to be
able to enjoy the presence of the other person both in conversation and in silence to be able to
bask in their presence.
Its important to INTJs that the other person has an understanding of us and how we operate. But
we also want the relationship to improve us and help us learn more about both ourselves and
about the other persons world. Relationships are somewhat of a puzzle to us, but one that we
enjoy discovering.

ENFP: In terms of choosing a partner, are there any particular types you usually find
yourself drawn to?
INTJ: I think INTJs are much more open to relationships with other intuitives because theyre
already seeing the world using a similar learning style. This helps in conversations too, because
were also communicating in a similar style or language. I think intuitives are naturally more
receptive and understanding of each others ideas, and there is less of a chance of being
misinterpreted. Thats huge when it comes to understanding the INTJ and them understanding
you because we really do want to understand the other person. When the other persons
intuitive, there are more shared interests, more to talk about, theres more to explore. We get
really energized and excited about that. Its not that we cant get excited about sensors its just
easier and more natural with intuitives.
Our feelings really confuse us because friendships and relationships arent really things that fit
into logical systems most of the time.
I think its also common for INTJs to partner with feelers. We desire shared experiences and NFs
help us get out of our heads and make us feel comfortable. Well always have that rational part of
ourselves but in the right relationship its not constantly overanalyzing things its kind of like
Okay, I can relax with this person.
ENFP: Right and that fits with most MBTI based relationship theory. NTs and NFs tend
to pair well across the board.
The next question relates to your tertiary cognitive function, introverted feeling. Can you
comment on how you experience introverted feeling in your every day life?
INTJ: In one sense, introverted feeling comes out in defensiveness and insecurity. When I get
defensive about something, my back goes up and its like, Nope, this is how it is and its not
changing. That attitude especially comes out around my closer inner circle particularly with
my family. If they question my competence, either subtly or about something in particular, I get
very defensive. I think thats introverted feeling acting up.
On the positive side, I think introverted feeling also comes out in our ideals. Personally, I studied
Buddhism for many yeas and an emerging theme was compassion and connecting with people.
So I want to create a vision of the world where people are compassionate with each other. I want
to develop those patient, compassionate qualities within myself and thats an expression of Fi. It
really does ground my values and ideals, which is a good thing.
Generally speaking, feelings do confuse us. When it comes to our plans and our plans for the
future, our feelings kind of work with our logic. If we feel good about something, we take that as
an indication that were on the right track. Its a sort of an affirmation. Whereas if were working
on something that doesnt feel good, we see that as an indication that something needs to be
resolved. We first use reason to assess something but then if our feelings indicate that something
is up its kind of an indicator to the logical side of us that theres a flaw in the system. We have to
step back and ask ourselves whats really going on here.

ENFP: Can you explain how introverted feeling affects your personal relationships?
INTJ: So when it comes to the social sphere, our feelings really confuse us because friendships
and relationships arent really things that fit into logical systems most of the time. We would love
it if that were the case but thats not how it works.
So well say or do something and then ruminate about the social consequences of it. And that is
part of why I think most healthy INTJs come across as very formal and very polite. Were very
careful about how were coming off to people.
We want to be perceived as invulnerable and highly competent.
I also think thats why its very hard for us to ask people out or to enter relationships. We might
be close with someone but never move beyond there. We may give subtle signs like saying I
trust you but not be very explicit. Because one of the things with us is that we have so few
connections like real, true connections that have made it inside that we fear that if we do
something wrong itll break that connection or friendship. And were worried about that because
we do have that feeling side of us and we do want those shared experiences.
In terms of friendships its similar its difficult to make friends because Im not completely sure
how to go about acting towards them. When I was a kid, something that bothered me was when
my friends would act one way around me and another way around other people. I kept
wondering Whats going on here? Is it me? It was bizarre. It didnt make sense to me because
personally, Im consistent with everyone. I may be more formal or more silly depending on who
Im with but its the same core stuff. With others, this doesnt seem to be the case, which is
interesting to me. And at times, highly frustrating.
ENFP: So you dont tend to accommodate others in social situations?
INTJ: Not in the sense that I think youre talking about. But I do act differently based on how the
other person is acting. When someone is very serious Ill be more silly and when someone is
more fun-loving I seem quite serious in comparison. I took a class once where nobody ever
spoke up so I just became the speaker for the rest of the year.
Thats the thing about INTJs we prefer to be running the show from behind the scenes. But if
nobody else is on stage, well go and do it if we have to. Which is also why I think INTJs can be
great public speakers within their fields. I love public speaking. But then when it comes to So,
what do you think of this sports thing, in a social situation, Im like Well I was reading this
book!
ENFP: How do you know when an INTJ is interested in you?
INTJ: Yeah thats tough. One sign is when we highly value the other persons input, and will
frequently ask what the other person thinks. The stereotype of INTJs is that we think other
people dont know what theyre talking about, which is the case when we judge someone as not

competent in what theyre saying. The reverse, per se, is also true, that is, that when we
genuinely ask for your input and ideas, it means we really respect you and value you as a person.
Another definite sign is that well be much more open to sharing our personal stories and our
feelings especially when we show our vulnerabilities because that kind of shows that were
opening up our exoskeleton and bringing down our walls.
ENFP: What would be considered personal to an INTJ?
INTJ: Thats a great question. The idea is that we want to be perceived as invulnerable and
highly competent. So sharing personal experiences that expose what our struggles have been is
personal to us. Any sharing of insecurities or weaknesses, even in a joking manner, is our way of
opening up.
Simultaneously, opening up goes along with learning to trust the other person and really valuing
their input and wanting to learn more about them. There are plenty of people who can say
something and were like, Thats interesting but I dont really value your opinion. But when
we like someone, well really take it in what they say and consider it. The mind is like a slow
cooker for us were constantly wondering What does this person mean?
ENFP: So once you do like someone, how if at all do you express that affection to him or
her?
INTJ: We really want our partners to be happy. Theres very much a coolness to INTJs so people
who are looking for the hot, passionate, Romeo-type partner thats not part of who we are.
Were not going to come serenade you outside your window. But we will go out of our way to
make sure that the person is really taken care of and happy and that nothing is troubling them.
And that goes along with honesty and communication.
One thing that is important to us is since we really suck at the whole social thing and we can be
self conscious about how were being perceived is that we prefer it when someone is very
direct with us. If theres an issue, its like, Okay, heres the issue. Lets talk about it. We want
that honesty.
Also, if the INTJ doesnt cringe when you touch them, they may like you. Especially if you
initiate it and the INTJ doesnt run away, thats a great sign. Were much more open to physical
contact with people we like.
ENFP: If you dont mind me asking, why are you guys uncomfortable with physical touch?
INTJ: Its weird. Im not even sure if I can explain it. Its almost like our personal space is part of
our shell and when someones intruding its like, Woah. Hang on. Were protective of our
personal space. So if an INTJ lets you into their personal space, its another way to tell that they
might like you. Its all very hard, really. You basically need a code book to tell if an INTJ is
interested.

ENFP: What advice would you give to someone who was interested in dating you?
INTJ: Definitely having autonomy and independence on both sides is important. Thats both in
terms of us giving autonomy and independence and also that person letting us do things freely, in
our own way. We dont mind taking suggestions or criticism but we prefer if you say, This needs
to get done, what do you think? Rather than Do it this way. We like solving problems and
thats important to keep in mind. Its important to us that our partners really respect our
competence and what we can do. Dont repeat our responsibilities when we already know them,
that drives us CRAZY.
Theres very much a coolness to INTJs so people who are looking for the hot, passionate,
Romeo-type partner thats not part of who we are. Were not going to come serenade you
outside your window. But we will go out of our way to make sure that the person is really taken
care of and happy.
Another thing is, we definitely need to be given space to recover. It doesnt necessarily mean
like, Im leaving for a month, but I need my recovery time.
ENFP: What do you need recovery time from? Social interaction?
INTJ: It could be social interaction or it could just be like, I need to go read a book and recharge
my batteries. So just allowing us time to recharge in our own way is important.
Another thing thats important when it comes to a problem in the relationship, be direct with
us. We dont like playing games we dont know how to play those. We want directness and
honesty in a way that is productive. If you tell us Im angry, well be like, Okay well, why?
What can we do about it? We always look at how to solve the situation so if you just need
someone to listen to you vent, tell us that. We appreciate directness.
Also, we usually prefer the other person to take the initiative if they like us.
ENFP: Is that because youre not sure of what to say and do or is it because you want that
certainty before sharing your own feelings?
INTJ: Its a bit of both. I think its more the former Im comfortable with uncertainty but I
dont always know the right way to approach a situation. A lot of this comes back to the
freedom/independence/autonomy thing on both sides. We want our partners to feel free. We dont
always need to be attached at the hip.
In terms of both friendships and relationships, INTJs are very, very loyal. Once youre in our
inner circle, youre in. We will take a bullet for you. And we appreciate that honesty, loyalty and
directness back from our friends and partners.
ENFP: How do you get by as an INTJ in a world of sensors?
INTJ: Thats a wonderful question I have no idea. Sometimes I wonder how Im still alive.

I guess at some point, theres a certain sense in which you have to blend in and learn the
language of sensors looking at it almost like a puzzle. Ive learned a lot from growing up in an
S family about how to interact in the world, it really gives you that skill and ability.
Sensors can help intuitives learn to take the big ideas and translate them into sensor language
which can help you implement your ideas. As an N you can have a great ideas but sensors will
only ask you how youre concretely going to do that and theyll want the details laid out. Sensors
will ask many solidified questions. And that helps you solidify your plans. But at the same time,
you have to be able to carve out your own path with your own N qualities you have to learn to
find that balance.
Thats the thing about INTJs we prefer to be running the show from behind the scenes.
ENFP: How do you experience anger?
INTJ: When immersed in the experience of anger even when furious I dont think we ever
really act it out, especially not physically. I think its more like, you see it in how we act and
what we do. We become very, very cold. Our mindset switches to, Im not dealing with any of
you. Im the only competent person here. Now I have to solve this problem alone. We definitely
revert to that defensiveness. We try and rationalize it too, which helps us keep it under control.
We ask ourselves why are we feeling angry.
ENFP: You try to rationalize it right at the time?
INTJ: No. The first step is to resolve the problem, the second step is figure out whats going on.
ENFP: I dont think Ive ever seen an angry INTJ.
INTJ: Its rare but scary. Were very cold.
ENFP: Last question! How do you view the importance of human interaction in your life?
INTJ: I find it pretty important. I like human interaction that is productive but productive
includes helping me relax and getting those shared experience. If its just being around people in
a way that serves no purpose then thats not productive.
For me, there is that part of me thats like You know itd be awesome to just be in a cave in the
Himalayas with a stack of books and enough food for the rest of my life, but theres another part
of me that enjoys being around people we want those shared group experiences. They help to
develop our introverted feeling and extroverted sensing. Especially when were around more
intellectual peers that helps us develop another unique perspective or a new way of looking at
things. Like when someone gives us a new way of thinking about things, its like I love you.
Ive never looked at it that way before. Give me your autograph.
ENFP: I think thats the #1 question people have for INTJs and thats whats at the core
of all the questions about dating, relationships, etcetera. People just want to know if INTJs

are human if they have feelings and in what capacity. You guys can be so intellectual that
it can be hard to understand where other people factor into your lives.
INTJ: Human interaction is necessary for us and honestly, we dont always get enough of it. We
may come across as robotic but were programmed for human connection and thats something
thats important to us.