Blowing Sh*t Up

Written By

Gregory Dracoulis

Copyright © 2010 Gregory Dracoulis Gregory Dracoulis

Registered, WGAw Shamrock Street
1414 Vista Del Monte
San Antonio, TX 78216
(210) 667-6387
dracoulis@shamrockst.com
 2

EXT. BRYAN'S HOUSE/SWIMMING POOL - DAY

Normal summer afternoon. BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS are hanging

out and swimming in BRYAN'S backyard. They're having a good
time, and this sets up some of the interaction between all
of them. They've known each-other since middle or high
school, but they're home from college now. Friendly
conversation.

All three are shirtless. CHRIS is noticeably paler than the

other two.

BRYAN
Man, it's good to be back.

JOHN
No kidding, man. I've been home for a
week and I'm still sick of school. I
could stay down here for a year.

CHRIS
So do it. I know a few people who are.

JOHN
I do too, they're called McDonald's
cashiers. I can't just take a year off
like that.

CHRIS
But you just said you wanted to!

JOHN
Yeah, I know. It was a figure of
speech, okay?

BRYAN
(interrupting)
What are you guys doing for the rest of
the summer anyway?

JOHN
Hell if I know. I thought about getting
an internship, but then I thought about
it some more and it sounded better to
just lie around for a couple months. I
feel like I deserve it.
 3

BRYAN and CHRIS LAUGH

CHRIS
I might get a job at my dad's company,
but he hasn't really talked to me about
it much. I'm sure he'll get around to
it eventually. I guess until then I'm
just floating around.

CHRIS floats up onto his back and starts doing the

BACKSTROKE, as if to illustrate the above point. BRYAN
SPLASHES him with a bit of water and gives him an amused
look.

BRYAN
(entertained but sarcastic)
Oh, ha ha ha. That's a good one. Where
did you learn such clever wordplay,
Monsieur Shakespeare?

BRYAN RAISES his hands and waves them mockingly, to

highlight his mocking/faux-fancy tone

CHRIS
Admit it, you're just jealous of my
prowess at producing puns. And
Shakespeare wasn't French.

JOHN
(dryly)
I don't think that was it at all. And
wasn't he Italian or something? Aren't
those the same thing? When was the last
time you took a history class?

CHRIS and BRYAN look at JOHN confusedly. CHRIS RAISES an

eyebrow.

BRYAN starts swimming over to the side of the pool

BRYAN
I'm hungry. You guys want to grill some
hotdogs or something?

CHRIS
Yeah, I'm starving.
 4

JOHN
Oh yeah, you guys just fucking love
wieners, don't you?

BRYAN rolls eyes, CHRIS looks affronted.

BRYAN
(unaffected)
Shut up John. I'm gonna go inside and
grab what we need, I'll be right back

BRYAN climbs out of the pool and walks into the house.

JOHN
(yelling to BRYAN sarcastically)
Alright man, just leave us out here.
Alone. In the wilderness. Unable to
fend for ourselves.

JOHN gestures grandly at his surroundings.

JOHN (CONT'D)
(disappointed that he got no response)
Well, I guess it's time to break out
the tanning oil. Gotta keep this body
at its peak.

JOHN and CHRIS both get up and out of the pool. JOHN walks
over to the table by the pool and starts rubbing himself
down vigorously with the tanning oil. CHRIS goes straight
for the boogie board and JUMPS into the pool, doing a
cannonball with the board tucked under his knees. This
SPLASHES water everywhere, hitting JOHN.

JOHN
(slightly miffed)
Oh, come on man! You ruined my
application! I need an even coat or
I'll get these weird patches and end up
looking like some sort of horrible
rotten mango.

CHRIS does not hear any of this, as he is still swimming

around underwater. He RESURFACES, oblivious.
 5

CHRIS
(thoughtfully)
I wonder if there's any kind of, like,
world record for manmade waves or
splashes or anything like that...

JOHN
Yeah, they probably already got set by
Rosie O'Donnell. You want any of this
stuff?

JOHN gestures with his head to the tanning oil he is

applying to his body.

CHRIS
(shuddering as the thought of Rosie
O'Donnell in a swimsuit sinks in)
Uuugh... No, I think I'll pass. I'm
trying to avoid skin cancer.

JOHN
Are you kidding? This stuff is great.
It has SPF, and aloe; I think it even
has THC in it or something.

CHRIS
(hesitant)
Um... awesome? Can they even sell
that..?

JOHN
I don't know, it came from China. They
do whatever the hell they want over
there. Hey, where the hell is Bryan?

CHRIS
I dunno, didn't he just go inside to
grab the food? He should be back by
now.

JOHN
(yelling inside)
Bryan! Stop hogging all the footlongs
and get back out here!
 6

CHRIS
(trying to interrupt, admonishingly)
No-- Be quiet! Don't do... John.

BRYAN
(yelling back, exasperatedly)
I'm coming, I'm coming.

JOHN
(snickering to himself quietly)
Yeah, I bet you are.

CHRIS
Ewwwww.

BRYAN opens the door and walks back outside, CARRYING a

package of hot dogs, hot dog buns, a bag of chips, and some
mustard and ketchup. He shoots JOHN a sideways glance.

BRYAN
(kidding around)
I heard that, asshole.

JOHN
(laughing)
Oh, I'm sorry, did I offend your
delicate sensibilities?

CHRIS gets up and out of the pool and towels off while
BRYAN and JOHN walk over to the grill to turn it on and
start cooking.

BRYAN
(as he's putting hot dogs on the grill)
What the fuck is that all over you?

JOHN
It's tanning oil, man. I need to look
good.

CHRIS
I see how it is. He can't have us
showing him up and making him look bad.

JOHN
Oh, come on. Try some.
 7

BRYAN
What?! No. I have no idea where that
stuff has been.

JOHN
I'm telling you, it's awesome. I read
about it on the Internet. Some guy sent
me an email about it, and it's supposed
to make you five hundred percent darker
in a week.

CHRIS, now dry, walks over to the table and begins setting
plates and arranging the condiments and silverware.

BRYAN
Some guy? What guy? Why are you getting
emailed suggestions about what skin
products to buy?

JOHN
I don't know, I think I signed up for
some mailing list.

CHRIS
Wait, where?

JOHN
I have no idea. All I know is it's run
by some Nigerian prince so it's legit.

CHRIS has to try to stifle his laughter. BRYAN looks at

JOHN, snickering and shaking his head.

JOHN (CONT'D)
What?

CHRIS
Nothing, I just think I'm on that
mailing list too.

BRYAN
(laughing)
I think we're all on that one.

JOHN
What are you guys talking about? Why
are you laughing?
 8

CHRIS
It's a scam, dude. Why would a prince
be advertising sunscreen?

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS all grab hot dogs and sit down at
the table to start eating.

JOHN
It's not sunscreen! It's tanning oil!
And he just put a little blurb at the
bottom of his normal emails talking
about how his family was kidnapped and
shit. I think he runs a blog or
something.

CHRIS
(can't believe John is serious)
It's the same thing. Doesn't he ever
ask for money or diamonds or anything?

JOHN
(confused)
Yeah... how did you know that? I never
pay attention to those parts, it's some
kind of lottery they have over there I
think. Someone else will help him, I
just like knowing what's happening.

BRYAN and CHRIS start laughing again.

BRYAN
Dude, Chris is serious. It's just this
scam to try to get people to give him
money. And I think the little thing at
the bottom was just an ad or something.

JOHN
(insistently)
His name is Bernard Augustine. If he
wasn't a prince, why would he have a
fucking crazy name like that.

BRYAN
(shaking his head exasperatedly)
Whatever.
 9

As BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS are sitting at the table eating

hot dogs, BRYAN'S SISTER walks in with a couple of her
friends.

BRYAN'S SISTER
Why don't you ever hang out with any
girls? You guys are so weird.

The friends giggle, and BRYAN glares at his SISTER.

Slow motion long take with fast pans between characters as

they're being mentioned. Start on BRYAN glaring at his
SISTER

BRYAN (V.O.)
Yeeeeeah... that's my sister.

PAN to CLOSE UP on BRYAN

BRYAN
And that's me, Bryan Zolewski.

PAN across JOHN and CHRIS

BRYAN (CONT'D)
These are my two best friends, John
Ackermann and Chris Dalton. I've known
them since high school. We're home from
college now, and I'm having a great
time, but I guess you could say it is a
bit of...

PAN back over to BRYAN as he LOOKS down at his hot dog

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(reluctantly)
...a sausagefest.

BEAT

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(deadpan, earnestly)
We've always been a close group, but I
guess you could say that group has
always been a bit out of place. I don't

(CONTINUED)
 10

(CONTINUED)

think any of us ever saw the need to

try to be someone else to fit in... so
we didn't.

ZOOM out to FULL SHOT of BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS eating at

the table

BRYAN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)

It wasn't a problem though, if you
didn't count being picked on, not being
invited to parties, or being passed
over by girls like you had a giant red
'x' painted on your forehead in lamb's
blood. All in all, they were good
times. But I guess I thought things
would just magically change when I got
to college. Cool people, crazy parties,
maybe even a few girls... I just wonder
when that's gonna happen.

At this point, BRYAN begins to GAZE almost wistfully,

zoning out and looking into the distance.

BRYAN is recalled from his internal monologue by JOHN

staring at him. JOHN raises his hand and starts SNAPPING in
front of BRYAN'S face.

JOHN
Dude...

JOHN (CONT'D)
Dude! Are you done?

BRYAN looks at JOHN in surprise; the timing makes it seems

like JOHN knew what he was thinking, but then JOHN looks
pointedly at BRYAN'S half-eaten hotdog.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Are you done with that? Come on, let's
get back in the pool. I need to get
this oil shit off of me, it feels like
milk curdling.

JOHN rubs at his skin, disgusted by the feeling.

 11

BRYAN
(absentmindedly)
Oh.. Yeah sure, why not.

CHRIS freaks out a little bit

CHRIS
(matter-of-factly)
Wait, what? We can't get back in. We
just ate.

JOHN
Yeah we can. Watch me.

JOHN starts WALKING over to the pool purposefully.

CHRIS
(trying to stop him)
What are you doing! That's bad for you!

JOHN stands defiantly at the edge of the pool, egging CHRIS

on

JOHN
Dude, you're old enough now to not have
to listen to your mom anymore. Come on.

BRYAN takes a last bite or two from his hot dog before
setting it down. He gets up and starts walking over to the
pool as well.

BRYAN
(attempting to placate CHRIS)
It's not a big deal, I'm pretty sure
we'll be fine.

CHRIS
Then why do they tell you not to get
back in the water for an hour. That's
medical science. They don't make that
shit up.

JOHN
(obnoxiously)
Nothing's gonna happen.
 12

CHRIS
(insistently)
Yes. It will.

JOHN
(becoming argumentative)
Then what, exactly.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(increasingly dramatic)
Simple. We just ate, so sometime during
the course of the hour here, all of us
are going to experience some sort of
sudden rush of blood to our stomachs so
we can start digesting it. When you
start swimming, you use your muscles,
so that starts drawing the blood out
again. Without enough of a blood
supply, your stomach doesn't get enough
oxygen, and it starts to cramp. Then,
eventually, the blood flow to your
diaphragm gets cut off by the pressure
from your lungs and your abdomen. It's
like having a bomb dropped on you and
getting attacked by a submarine at the
same time.

JOHN and BRYAN look at CHRIS, confused and somewhat awed.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Then you drown. And you die.

JOHN continues staring at CHRIS, then shifts gaze down

towards the pool and back at CHRIS.

JOHN
That is one of the biggest loads of
bullshit I have ever heard. I've done
this like a thousand times. I'm pretty
sure that's not gonna happen.

CHRIS
Why would you risk it? What if this is
the one time it happens. That's all it
takes. They wait like three hours in
Cuba, I'm just asking for a third of
that.
 13

JOHN
That's why I don't live in Cuba! I'm
getting in

CHRIS
(intently)
If you get in, I'm leaving. I'm not
about to watch you guys just sink like
rocks.

BRYAN
(confused, to JOHN)
...You don't live in Cuba because of
the swimming customs?

JOHN
Come on, seriously dude?

CHRIS
Whatever you do, I'm not getting back
in. It's basically just committing
gastrointestinal suicide.

BRYAN and JOHN sigh, giving up.

Cut to BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS sitting in pool chairs or on

a table bench next to each other, staring straight ahead
uncomfortably.

BRYAN
Soooo...

JOHN sighs dramatically

JOHN
This sucks. I'm so fucking bored. Come
on guys, let's do something!

CHRIS
We could play Rock Band?

JOHN
Of course you'd rather play video games
than swim. Nerd.
 14

CHRIS
What the hell dude? You play video
games too!

JOHN
Psh. At least I have a life.

CHRIS starts to get offended, but BRYAN interrupts to

distract him

BRYAN
We could go to the mall or something?

CHRIS
Ehh.. I really hate shopping dude.

JOHN
Mini golf?

BRYAN
Dude it's way too hot to do shit
outside. We could go see that new spy
movie, "British Nightfall."

JOHN (CONT'D)
(interest piqued)
Ooohh, is that even out yet?

CHRIS
It just came out last Friday, I think.
Have you seen the trailers?

JOHN
Yeah, it looks sweet. I didn't think it
was going to be released for another
couple of weeks, though.

BRYAN
I've been looking forward to it since I
saw the posters. All of the Clark
Sloane movies are awesome.

BRYAN looks straight at the camera.

 15

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(knowingly)
He's just like 007, but a little more
badass.

CHRIS
So let's go!

JOHN stands up and starts grabbing his things first.

BRYAN
Alright, I'll go look up showtimes.

JOHN
I'm gonna get ready. I'll meet you guys
inside.

BRYAN, CHRIS, and JOHN all go inside and split off to get
dressed.

INT. BRYAN'S HOUSE - DAY

A number of quick CUTS back and forth, overly dramatic and

action based.

CHRIS grabs his bag, with a change of clothes in it, on the

way inside. We follow him to a bedroom where he shuts the
door.

We show JOHN walking into a bathroom. He shuts the door as

well.

BRYAN sits down on a barstool or a couch and looks up

showtimes on his phone.

Come up on CHRIS in the middle of zipping up his jeans and

buckling his belt. His bag is in the background, half open
and sitting on the bed.

JOHN is searching through the drawers in the bathroom. He

still has his swim trunks on.

BRYAN faces into his closet. He is wearing a dark pair of

jeans and has just pulled on a polo.

Extreme close up on CHRIS lacing his shoes up tightly. He

should be just finishing the knot.
 16

The water is running as JOHN has a disgusted look on his

face as he is rubbing at his skin with a damp hand towel,
the only thing he could find.

BRYAN begins KNOCKING at the door.

BRYAN
Come on, you ready? Let's go.

JOHN gets a panicked look on his face.

JOHN
(hesitating)
I'm... taking a shit. Hold on.

The camera comes up over BRYAN'S shoulder, facing the door.

BRYAN
(confused)
Why is the water on?

JOHN
Uh... I'm taking a shit in the shower.
Jesus, can I get some privacy?

BRYAN doesn't really know what to say at this point.

BRYAN
Oh. Okay. We'll be outside.

CHRIS comes up from the side, having heard the tail end of
the exchange. The camera pans over to show CHRIS and BRYAN
looking at each-other to see if the other has any idea what
is going on. Both of them shrug slightly or turn their
palms up. They exit.

CUT back inside the bathroom, showing JOHN drying off

feverishly. Switch between different angles to show the
following actions.

Rushing, JOHN tries to jump into his pants and trips

somewhat, losing his balance.

JOHN starts putting on his shirt and it gets stuck. He

heads for the door with his shirt half on and opens it,
hurrying out while trying to yank his shirt down over him
properly.
 17

EXT. BRYAN'S HOUSE/ENTRYWAY - DAY

CHRIS and BRYAN are leaning against walls or posts adjacent

to the doorway. JOHN bursts out the door harriedly.

JOHN
Oh. There you guys are.

BRYAN
Yeah. Come on, let's go. The movie
starts in like ten minutes.

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS quickly pile in to one of their

cars.

CLOSE UP on the key being turned and the engine starting.

Show the back of the car as it pulls out of the driveway

and turns down the street and quickly edges off camera.

Another CLOSE UP, this time on the gas pedal being pushed
down

The car pulls into the parking lot and the passenger door
is opened just before the car comes to a complete stop.

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS march unimpeded towards the ticket

counter.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Three students to "British Nightfall"
please.

CLOSE UP on the cashier ripping the tickets from their

printer and plunking them down on the counter deliberately
but unenthusiastically.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

Time compressed cuts between WIDE SHOTS of the movie

theater at progressively later times of day, from late
afternoon to sunset. Start slowly, with nothing being said
as BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS might be entering the theatre and
sitting down. Dialog over, eventually.
 18

JOHN (O.S.)
What the fuck! The previews haven't
even started yet. Why were you guys in
such a rush?

BRYAN and CHRIS laugh.

CHRIS (O.S.)
(gleefully)
We were just messing with you.

JOHN (O.S.)
(annoyed)
Screw this, I'm going to get some
popcorn.

FADE to a little bit later. Obligatory noise warning.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

(dispassionately)
Welcome to the cinema. Please silence
all cell phones and infants.

FADE again, to later. A really bad movie trailer.

NARRATOR (O.S.)
(dramatically)
In a world where the most feared
Spanish knight is transported through
time...

Swords CLINK.

NARRATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D)

...only to meet a middle aged divorcee
and her three children...

Infants and children SCREAMING and CRYING

NARRATOR (O.S.) (CONT'D)

What's a warrior to do when he falls
into a forbidden love?

FEMALE CHARACTER (O.S.)

(lustily)
Take me, Lord Gomez!
 19

NARRATOR (O.S.)
This November, experience a romantic
comedy that will redefine your
expectations of love... and what it
means to be a man.

Female character MOANING, knight begins YELLING

passionately.

KNIGHT (O.S.)
(with a Mexican accent)
I'm going to vanquish yoooouuuuuuuu!

Canned sitcom LAUGHTER plays over, then quickly fades to

make way for the title.

NARRATOR (O.S.)
Spanish Windmill Fantastico. Coming
soon to a theatre near you.

JOHN (O.S.)
That looks fucking horrible. Why would
they even show that here. This is a
movie theatre, not some sort of
medieval Chippendales.

FADE to the beginning of the movie.

SLOANE'S BOSS (O.S.)

...After what you did last time, I'm
not sure I should be letting you out of
my sight at all. But I suppose we don't
have a choice.

SLOANE (O.S.)
No, sir, I suppose we don't.

SLOANE'S BOSS (O.S.)

Well, what are you waiting for? I'm
sure you're just aching to get out of
here. We have a car waiting for you in
the usual place.

We hear SLOANE'S FOOTSTEPS as he starts to leave the

office.
 20

SLOANE'S BOSS (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Oh, and Sloane?

SLOANE stops.

SLOANE (O.S.)
Yes, sir?

SLOANE'S BOSS (O.S.)

Try not to leave such a mess this time,
if you will.

SLOANE (O.S.)
Sorry, sir. I'll do my best.

A door SLAMS and we hear the REVVING of an engine as SLOANE

starts his new car. The SQUEALING of tires is audible as he
speeds away.

SPY THEME MUSIC plays, over.

FADE to later.

Sounds of the OCEAN play softly under.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

Mr. Sloane, you do have an annoying
habit of turning up precisely when
you're least wanted.

SLOANE (O.S.)
On the contrary, it's a well-honed
skill.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

Of course. There's an unexplained radio
broadcast that's popped up recently in
the area. Headquarters thinks it might
be linked. We need someone, Sloane, to
infiltrate and find out exactly what is
going on out there.

SLOANE (O.S.)
If I may ask, out where precisely?
 21

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

Well, that's just the thing. You're
going to help us find out. We have a
team from Ofcom working on
triangulating the signals, but so far
they've only been able to come up with
the aerials, not the actual source. It
seems those transmitters are being fed
by an infrared link coming from
somewhere out in the ocean, so you'll
be headed in that general direction.

SLOANE (O.S.)
Ah, I see. Well then I suppose I
couldn't trouble you to join me for one
last evening of entertainment before I
ship out tomorrow?

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)

(sugary)
Oh, Sloane, you really are too much.

FADE to later. The low HUM of heavy machinery can be heard

in the background.

We hear the RUSTLING of paper.

SLOANE (O.S.)
My God. They aren't drilling for oil
here. They're pumping up methane and
storing it so they can raise the
temperature over Britain whenever they
choose.

More RUSTLING as SLOANE shuffles through the schematics.

SLOANE (O.S.) (CONT'D)

They have a structure over the opening
designed to combine the gas with ocean
water and spray it into the atmosphere
if the drill is retracted. That would
release the entire pocket as a kind of
aerosol, darkening the skies with a
blanket of haze and making it
cataclysmically warmer at the same

(CONTINUED)
 22

(CONTINUED)

time. What's in the tanks now is just

going to be used to give everyone a
taste of what they can do.

Alarms BLARE

SLOANE (O.S.)
I suppose that's my cue to get out of
here.

We hear a gun being COCKED and a door SLAMMED open. Guards

are RUNNING down the sides of the hallway and SLOANE steps
carefully out. The inevitable exchange of GUNSHOTS and
BULLET RICOCHETS begins.

FADE to later.

DR. VILLAIN (O.S.)

You have interfered with my plans for
the last time, Mr. Sloane.

SLOANE (O.S.)
Indeed. After today, I doubt it should
be necessary any longer.

SLOANE'S watch BEEPS faintly. After the third beep,

EXPLOSIONS begin going off and increasing in magnitude.
More SHOOTING begins while we hear a HELICOPTER flying in,
ostensibly waiting just out of eyeshot to rescue SLOANE.

DR. VILLAIN (O.S.)

(screaming angrily)
I'll get you, Sloane!

FADE to later, for the last time.

SLOANE'S BOSS (O.S.)

I can't approve of you destroying an
entire ocean platform and sending it
crashing into the sea... I really
can't.
(chuckling)
But neither can I argue with the
results. Good job, Sloane.
 23

SLOANE (O.S.)
Thank you sir.

CREDITS MUSIC plays over, slowly trailing off.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT

As the music is fading, ZOOM up onto the exit as BRYAN,

JOHN, and CHRIS are walking out of the theatre.

BRYAN
(excitedly)
That was fucking awesome!

CHRIS
Yeah, it was sweet. Did you see the
part where he friggin' punched a shark
in the face? That was epic! And all the
oil rig shots...

JOHN
We all saw it. We were there.
(backing down)
You're right though, it was pretty
badass.

BRYAN
There's a reason I've been waiting for
this movie to come out basically since
it was announced. Clark Sloane is one
of the most awesome spy characters
ever.

CHRIS
Not gonna lie, I'm jealous of him. His
speedboat, those gadgets, all the
girls... Man, did you see his phone? It
made even the iPhone look like a piece
of dog shit. And I'd kill to ride in
that car he has.

BRYAN
I know! I'd love to have that kind of
lifestyle, traveling the world,
discovering crazy plots and shit...
 24

JOHN
(abruptly changing topics)
I'm hungry now, you guys wanna go get
food?

BRYAN can't resist teasing him a bit.

BRYAN
After that giant tub of popcorn you
ate?

CHRIS
We could go to Randall's. It's
literally right across the street.

CHRIS points at the building, only a few hundred feet away.

BRYAN
Aw man, I haven't been there in
forever. Let's go.

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS start walking over to Randall's.

They walk off screen and their voices start to FADE.

CHRIS
Anyway, about that car, I heard it was
just a concept that they got McLaren to
produce specifically for the movie...

INT. BURGER RESTAURANT - NIGHT

They walk inside and grab menus.

BRYAN
Man, I've missed this place.

JOHN
I know, right? You'd think there would
be plenty of good burger places in a
college town, but it doesn't get any
better than this. I guess it's just
that we've had so many good times here.

CHRIS
C'mon, don't get all philosophical, you
know you just like the milkshakes.
 25

CHRIS (CONT’D)
(under his breath)
Fatass.

JOHN shoves CHRIS playfully as they walk over to a table.

The three guys sit down at the table.

BRYAN
You know, I wonder if that could
actually happen...

CHRIS
(confused)
If what could?

BRYAN
If someone could actually cause global
warming like that, on purpose. I know
sometimes the plots are based on
reality, but I hadn't heard of that.

CHRIS
(knowledgeably)
Oh, yeah. Methane is terrible for the
environment. I had a professor who
would constantly bitch about how
climate change was being caused by cow
farts and cashmere goats kicking up
dust in China.

STACI walks up to take their order.

STACI
Hey guys, what can I get for you today?

JOHN
I'll have a chocolate shake.

CHRIS
Could I get a strawberry lemonade?

BRYAN
(looking at the menu)
Hmm... I'm not quite sure, I haven't
been here in a while.
 26

STACI
Do you need more time? I can come back
in a second.

BRYAN
Nah, actually I think I'll just have a
coke.

BRYAN looks up at STACI and suddenly recognizes her.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Staci! Is that you?

STACI
Um... yeah?

STACI looks pointedly down at her nametag.

BRYAN
(flustered)
Didn't we go to school together, at
Saint Andrew's?

STACI
Oh yeah, that's right!
(tentatively)
...Eric?

BRYAN
Bryan.

STACI
Bryan! We had history together one
year... didn't we?

BRYAN
Yeah, we did! I think we had math and,
uh... English one year too. You
remember John and Chris, right?

BRYAN gestures to JOHN and CHRIS, who smile at STACI. STACI

smiles back.

STACI
Yeah, it's good to see you guys again.
How've you been?
 27

CHRIS
Pretty good, we're having a nice,
relaxing summer.

STACI (CONT'D)
That sounds so nice, I'm jealous.
Speaking of that
(she rolls her eyes)
I should get back to work. Nice to see
you guys!

BRYAN
Yeah, you too.

STACI smiles at the three guys, and then walks off.

JOHN suggestively nudges BRYAN.

JOHN (CONT'D)
(teasingly)
Ooh, what was that?

BRYAN
What was what?

JOHN
That girl. Staci. Don't act like you
don't know, you looked like a donkey in
heat.

BRYAN
(confusedly)
...Thanks..?
(suddenly defensive)
What are you talking about anyway? I
just... said, like, two things to her.

JOHN
Oh, come on, we all saw.
(singsong)
You like her.

BRYAN
What?! How do you get that? She was
taking our order. What do you want me

(CONTINUED)
 28

(CONTINUED)

to do, slap her in the face with the

menu and tell her to get back in the
kitchen? I was just being nice.

JOHN
Sure you were.

CHRIS
(matter-of-factly)
You've got to admit, she is pretty
attractive.

BRYAN
Alright, I kind of had a crush on her
for a little while back in high school,
but that was like... three, four years
ago. I mean, I barely even recognized
her. It was just nice to see her, is
all. I didn't know she worked here.

JOHN looks smug. He points at BRYAN indicatively.

JOHN
Hah! I knew it.

STACI walks back over and BRYAN hurriedly shushes JOHN.

STACI
(brightly)
All right, I've got your drinks.

STACI sets the glasses down on the table.

BRYAN
(trying to make conversation)
When did you start working here? I
don't think any of us have ever seen
you here before.

STACI
Well, my parents own the place. I just
needed something to do for the summer,
so they gave me a job here.

STACI shrugs.
 29

BRYAN
That's cool. I need to figure out what
I'm doing this summer too.

STACI
It's alright, not that I love working
for my parents
(dryly)
but it's convenient I guess.

BRYAN nods. JOHN is watching this exchange with barely

concealed amusement and glee because of the new
opportunities he's going to have to mock BRYAN later.

STACI (CONT'D)
So, what have you guys been up to?

CHRIS
We just got back from "British
Nightfall." Have you seen it? It's
awesome!

STACI
(excitedly)
Oh! Not yet, but it looks amazing! I've
been waiting for a chance to see it.
(gushing)
You know, I'm normally not a fan of
Adrien McCaul, but he is hot in that
role. How was he in this one?

BRYAN
He was excellent, as usual. I think it
was probably one of his best
performances.

STACI
(giddy)
Oh, I love it! It'd be hard to go wrong
with a part like that. I mean, it's
basically... instant sex symbol right
there. I don't know, the bad boy is
actually still a good guy-

STACI bites her lip as she lets that train of thought trail
off.
 30

STACI (CONT'D)
(laughing at herself)
Sorry for going on like that.

BRYAN
Oh, no, none of us mind. We were
actually just talking about the movie
earlier, right?

BRYAN gives JOHN an icy glance. CHRIS and JOHN both

indicate their agreement.

STACI
I would have been really disappointed
if it wasn't good. Now I really need to
go see it! You know, the movies were
some of my favorites when I was
younger.
(reminiscent laugh)
I always thought Clark Sloane was just
so cool.

BRYAN can emphasize here how much he liked the movie,

partially because he may feel like he's found a bit of a
kindred spirit in his spy fascination.

BRYAN
(looking at Staci)
Yeah, they were... pretty awesome,
weren't they?

CHRIS and JOHN can roll their eyes at BRYAN at this point.

STACI
(softly)
Yeah...

STACI realizes that she's gone off topic, and abruptly gets
back on task.

STACI (CONT'D)
Anyway, what did you guys want to
order?

JOHN
Well, I'll have a cheeseburger and an
order of fries.
 31

CHRIS
I'll just have some... you guys still
have the broken onion rings, right?

STACI
Mmhmm, got it.

STACI looks at BRYAN dutifully.

BRYAN
(taken off guard)
Uh...

BRYAN searches the menu quickly.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
I think I'll go with the bacon
cheeseburger and...
(still searching)
another order of fries.

JOHN, CHRIS, and BRYAN hand their menus back over.

STACI
All right, I'll get that right in.

STACI leaves.

CHRIS
Huh, I would never have expected her to
be so into that kinda thing.

BRYAN
Yeah, that was pretty cool.

JOHN raises an eyebrow and looks at BRYAN, stifling a

smirk.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Shut up.

JOHN
(grinning)
I didn't say anything.
 32

BRYAN
(more drawn out)
Shut up.

JOHN shifts to a different tactic--trying be some sort of

matchmaker.

JOHN
Hey, come on, she is pretty cool,
alright?

BRYAN
I already told you, this is the first
time I've seen her in years! Just
because I had something for her way
back when doesn't mean anything now.
Besides, I'm sure she has a boyfriend
or something anyway.

JOHN'S face brightens at BRYAN'S last comment. He has an

idea.

JOHN
Well, there is one way to find out...

JOHN pulls out his iPhone.

JOHN (CONT'D)
What would we do without Facebook? The
best thing is, even if they're taken
you can still see them half naked!

BRYAN grabs at JOHN'S cell phone.

BRYAN
No--! Would you stop that. We are in a
respectable establishment.

CHRIS
(chiming in)
You could ask her.

BRYAN looks at CHRIS, somewhat taken aback by the perceived

absurdity of the idea.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
What? It was just a suggestion.
 33

BRYAN, CHRIS, and JOHN all fall silent for a few seconds as
they each realize how unconfident they are when it comes to
girls.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(out of nowhere)
Have you guys ever thought about what
it would be like to be... I dunno,
spies or secret agents or something?

BRYAN
Where did that come from?

CHRIS
The movie, I guess? I dunno, how
awesome would it be to just-- BE a
double agent, just for a couple of
days.

JOHN
(bluntly)
Are you kidding? Dude, you'd get shot
in the first twenty-four hours.

STACI walks over with their food and starts placing the
orders on the table.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Ah, this looks awesome.

CHRIS reaches to grab his onion rings.

CHRIS
Thanks.

BRYAN
Thank you.

STACI
No problem!

STACI smiles, then turns around and gets back to work.

 34

BRYAN
(to JOHN, resuming the previous
conversational thread)
I think you'd be fine as long as you
knew what you were doing.

JOHN
But there's one problem. We don't.

JOHN stops himself.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I can't believe I'm actually having
this conversation.

BRYAN
Come on, didn't you ever wonder what it
was like to be a spy when you were
younger? I mean, didn't you ever want
to join the CIA and, like, go to Europe
or something?

JOHN
Sure, I guess.

BRYAN
Well then, what happened?

JOHN
(defensively)
I turned fourteen, man.

BRYAN is a little offended. He hides it by pursing his lips

off to one side and looking down to take a bite of his
burger. Awkward pause.

BRYAN
(trying again, determined)
Think about it, though. Why don't
people go out and do stuff like that in
real life?

JOHN
They do, they're called spies.
 35

BRYAN
Well, how do you get into that? If it's
such an awesome lifestyle, why don't we
just do it ourselves?

JOHN
(dripping with sarcasm)
What do you mean, like go to fucking
Russia and get our cocks chopped off?
Maybe we should grow dirty Gandalf
beards, read the Koran, and take a
goddamn road trip to Afghanistan over
the weekend too. I don't know about
you, but that sounds exactly like how I
want to spend my time.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(with a reconciliatory tone)
You guys do realize I wasn't serious...
right?

CHRIS is mostly ignored. BRYAN tries to convince himself

and the other two that what they are talking about is
actually somewhat possible.

BRYAN
There's got to be a way.

JOHN
Alright man, you're crazy, but go ahead
and keep thinking that.

BRYAN appears dejected and noticeably withdrawn. BRYAN,

CHRIS, and JOHN all finish what they want of their food.

STACI walks over to check on them.

STACI
How are you guys doing over here? Can I
get you any refills?

STACI gestures to JOHN with a tilt of her head.

STACI (CONT'D)
I could get you a water?
 36

BRYAN
(meekly)
Nah, I think just the check will be
fine.

STACI
Sure! I'll be right back with that.

JOHN takes a final bite out of his burger. He then leans

back, full.

JOHN
(satisfied)
Ah, nothing quite like the
cheeseburgers here.

CHRIS stuffs a few more onion ring pieces into his mouth
and takes one last big gulp of his lemonade.

CHRIS
(with a full mouth)
Yeah, the food here is always
delicious.

STACI comes back with the check. BRYAN is playing with his
fries absentmindedly.

STACI
Here you go! Have a nice night. I'll
see you guys around.

JOHN
(for BRYAN)
Yeah, you too. Thanks.

STACI gracefully exits. BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS all pull out
money to pay and put it in a neat stack on the table.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
You guys ready to go?

JOHN
Yeah, I'm all set.

CHRIS
Me too.
 37

BRYAN starts to get up ahead of both CHRIS and JOHN

BRYAN
Alright, let's head out then.

They walk out of the restaurant. Cut to a shot of the

interior of the car as BRYAN is driving them all back to
his house. It's quiet.

They pull into BRYAN'S driveway and all of them get out of
the car.

CHRIS
I better get home, see you guys later.

BRYAN
Alright, we'll hang out later this
week, okay?

CHRIS
Sounds good, see ya.

CHRIS leaves. BRYAN and JOHN are standing around.

JOHN
You okay? You seem upset.

BRYAN
(playing it off)
I'm fine, I'm just tired.

JOHN
You're not pissed at me for picking on
you about Staci, are you?

BRYAN
(laughing halfheartedly)
Nah, don't worry about it. It's not a
big deal.

JOHN
Alright, I'll see you later man.

BRYAN
Later.

JOHN and BRYAN exchange daps. JOHN then heads to his car.
 38

BRYAN walks back into his house, wandering aimlessly a bit.

He finally plunks down in front of the TV. There are a a
few shots of him watching TV, with the AUDIO from an old
spy or action movie over. BRYAN eventually turns off the TV
and walks back to his bedroom dejectedly.

INT. BRYAN'S HOUSE/BRYAN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

BRYAN sits down on his bed and looks sadly at a row of spy-
related books sitting on his bookshelf. Aerial of him
tossing and turning, staring off into space, fading between
shots of him in different positions. Finally, he gets up,
because he can't fall asleep.

BRYAN walks over to his computer and turns it on, goes to

the CIA webpage.

BRYAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)

When I was a kid, my role model wasn't
Superman or Luke Skywalker or any of
those jackasses. It was James Bond.

He CLICKS on the "Careers" link.

BRYAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And who hasn't wanted to grow up to be
just like their hero?

BRYAN prints out a job application.

BRYAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)

What happens in life to make us give up
those dreams, though..? why don't
people follow through on them?

FADE to a shot of BRYAN filling out an application. A desk

lamp is on and he is hunched over, scrawling quickly with a
pen.

BRYAN (V.O.)
Maybe I'm crazy, but I still want to be
a spy. Somehow. I don't really know
where to start, but this seems like as
good a place as any. I mean, even 007
had to break into the business somehow,
right?
 39

BRYAN finishes up the application. He folds the papers,

slides them into an envelope, licks the adhesive, sticks on
a stamp, puts on a jacket, and walks outside stealthily to
drop the piece of mail into the mailbox. We see BRYAN, out
of focus in the background, walking back into his room and
turn off the light. FADE OUT.

Cut to BRYAN walking outside and checking the mail.

Cut to CHRIS reading in his room looking bored.

Cut to BRYAN expectantly logging in to check his email.

Cut to JOHN playing video games.

Cut to BRYAN checking the mail again.

Cut back to CHRIS reading, but a different book this time.

CHRIS shuts the book and gets up to make something to eat.

Cut to BRYAN checking his email again, though it appears

he's lost hope of actually getting anything.

Cut to JOHN in a robe watching television, eating popcorn,

and generally looking like he hasn't left his house in
days.

Cut to CHRIS sitting at the table in his boxers, eating

some cereal.

Cut to BRYAN getting an incoming call. He scrambles to grab

his phone, then sighs exasperatedly when he sees it's his
friends. He silences the ring and sets the phone down
abruptly.

Cut to JOHN, face-up, asleep on the couch in the middle of

the day.

Cut to CHRIS in his room with the curtains partially drawn,

curled up in a ball sleeping on his bed.

Cut to BRYAN watching television from a distance. He is

seated at a table near some windows facing the street. It's
midday, about the time when the mailman or an express truck
might be arriving, and he glances out the window, by this
point expecting nothing. He turns his gaze back to the
television and changes the channel.
 40

Shot of BRYAN getting into bed later that night. As he

pulls up the covers and reaches over to turn out the lamp,
he sees light out the window.

He quickly extinguishes the light, then leans over to get a

closer look, barely parting the mini blinds so he can see.
A dark, elongated, and foreboding luxury car drives by very
slowly. It appears to speed up a little once it's passed
his house, and then turns a corner a few blocks down.

The car is a little bit weird, but BRYAN shrugs it off and
pulls up the covers around him just a bit more so he can go
to sleep.

The next day, BRYAN does a few menial chores around the
house-he puts some things in the laundry, makes himself
some food, and runs a lawnmower or washes his car.

Cut to that night. BRYAN is watching a TV show streaming on

his computer when he notices an engine noise has been
audible outside his window for just a bit too long. He-from
a different spot this time-checks outside and sees the same
car from the night before, gliding along the street almost
menacingly. It speeds up slightly and turns a corner, just
as it did earlier.

BRYAN is somewhat confused and curious now. He has some

idea germinating in his mind. He closes his laptop and the
audio from the show he was watching drops out, then he sets
the computer on the floor next to his bed and lays down,
still looking a bit thoughtful or perplexed as he closes
his eyes. Eventually, he bolts up and open his eyes,
obviously having thought of something. He grabs his phone
and begins to dial.

JOHN (ON THE PHONE)

Hey dude, what's up? We thought you
died.

BRYAN lets out a chuckle.

BRYAN
Nah, I'm fine. But I did want to ask
for a bit of a favor.
 41

JOHN (ON THE PHONE)

(playing along)
Alright, master. How may I be of
service?

BRYAN
(seriously)
Listen...

BRYAN pauses, then pulls the phone away from his face and
looks at it distrustfully.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Actually, forget about it. You guys
wanna come over tomorrow night and hang
out? We could order pizza and have a
Call of Duty marathon or something.

JOHN (ON THE PHONE)

Sure, that sounds good.

BRYAN
Give Chris a call too and let him know.
Just come over whenever,
(trying to sound foreboding)
I'm sure we'll find something
interesting to do.

JOHN (ON THE PHONE)

Well that sounds fucking awkward.

BRYAN laughs.

BRYAN
Yeah, whatever. I'll see you tomorrow,
okay?

JOHN (ON THE PHONE)

(still mocking BRYAN, laughing)
Alright, later homo.

BRYAN hangs up the phone and shakes his head.

BRYAN
(to himself, pleased)
This should be good...
 42

FADE OUT for the night.

The next evening, JOHN and CHRIS show up at BRYAN'S house

as expected. We see their cars pulling up through a window.
BRYAN has been waiting for them, and walks over to the door
to open it right as they're getting out of their cars.

BRYAN
(shouting)
Hey! What took you guys so long?

JOHN
You said whenever. I brought a couple
extra controllers.

JOHN waves a wireless game system controller in his hand.

BRYAN
Sweet. Bring them inside.

JOHN and CHRIS walk toward the door.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(to CHRIS as he comes into closer
proximity)
What's up?

CHRIS
Not much, where have you been?

BRYAN shuts the door. CUT TO the interior of the kitchen.

JOHN sets his controllers on the counter casually.

BRYAN opens the refrigerator door.

BRYAN
So I went out and got a bunch of
different energy drinks so we could try
them out. Let's see what we think.

He sets three different cans on the counter. CHRIS reaches

for a particular one enthusiastically.
 43

CHRIS
(excitedly)
Oh, nice! I heard about this one. It
got banned in Russia because people
were using parts of it to make
synthetic cocaine. Where did you find
this?

BRYAN looks down at the drink, surprised.

BRYAN
Just some sketchy gas station. That's
random.

After a few seconds, JOHN grabs a can and pops it open.

BRYAN takes a breath like he is about to say something, but
stops and looks around subtly.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Hey, why don't we go outside while it's
still light? I'll go get my speakers
and we can listen to some music.

BRYAN jogs out of the kitchen.

JOHN
(yelling to BRYAN)
Hey, do you have any salsa music?

CUT TO the three sitting outside. Random and ludicrous

salsa music is playing in the background.

JOHN finishes off the energy drink he had opened in the

kitchen. He reaches for one of the other cans on the table
and opens it. He takes a sip of the new drink. His face
puckers.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Ugh. What the fuck is this?! It tastes
like a Chinese hooker's vagina.

BRYAN
You might want to slow down, man.

JOHN
What are you talking about? I feel
awesome.
 44

JOHN starts dancing to the music jumpily. He takes another

sip of the drink he just opened, then makes the same
disgusted face and throws it into the distance.

JOHN (CONT'D)
That is literally just horse piss and
banana flavoring. I feel tainted.

CHRIS laughs. A beat. BRYAN leans forward.

BRYAN
(tentatively)
Alright, guys. So there's this sketchy
car that's been driving past my house
for the past couple nights. I'm not-

BRYAN looks over at the speakers. They are still playing

absurd Latin music. He SIGHS and reaches to turn it down.
CHRIS cocks his head, interested. JOHN takes offense.

JOHN
Hey! I'm listening to that!

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(softly, shrugging off JOHN)
I'm not sure who it is or what, but it
slows down about a block before the
windows, you know? And it only speeds
up after it passes by. It's this black
sedan... kind of weird.

JOHN
(snickering, mockingly)
Aw, are you scared?

BRYAN gives JOHN an annoyed look, nonverbally saying "Shut

up."

CHRIS
That sounds... odd.

BRYAN
It goes by at the same time every
night, in about... like an hour or so.
I want to find out who it is.
 45

JOHN
We could put nails down on the street
and run out of the bushes with butcher
knives and golf clubs after the tires
blow out.

CHRIS
Except if the nails could blow out
tires, our feet would get stabbed too.

BRYAN
...I was thinking something like just
following the car and finding out where
it goes.

The song switches to another one that is even louder and

more obnoxious. BRYAN, exasperated, shuts the speakers off
this time.

JOHN
That could work too.

JOHN looks at CHRIS.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I call doing the tail.

CHRIS
Wha-

JOHN
(cutting him off)
Didn't you hear Bryan? He needs someone
to stay with him so he wouldn't get
scared.

INT. JOHN'S CAR - NIGHT

JOHN is bent over the steering wheel with his arms crossed
and his forehead resting on them.

JOHN
(labored)
Uuughhh... I shouldn't have had that
fourth drink...
 46

Headlights appear in the background and we can hear the

sound of a car rushing by.

JOHN looks up at the illuminated clock on his dashboard. It

reads 9:28. He slinks back into the seat and looks at the
ceiling exasperatedly.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Fuck this shit. Why did I let those
assholes send me out here?

CUT TO outside. facing JOHN'S car and the street from an

off angle. It's quiet and motionless except for the wind
blowing through the trees. The night is clear.

A dark car passes by and taps on its brakes. CUT back

inside, where JOHN is still leaning back. He stares vaguely
near the compartment where he keeps his CDs. He leans
forward and opens the flap.

JOHN (CONT'D)
What did I even put in here?

Brake lights, visible through the window, become apparent.

JOHN looks up. The dark car is slowing down gradually.

JOHN
(taking it seriously now)
Holy shit, there it is.

The keys are already in the ignition. JOHN turns them,

carefully, to start the car. It's as if he is trying to
make less noise. He makes a point not to turn the lights on
and pulls into the road slowly.

The other car lets off the brakes and starts to pick up
some speed again. JOHN turns on his headlights and starts
to go a little faster as well. However, he still keeps a
fixed distance back.

As the other car rounds a corner, JOHN increases his speed

to make up some of the gap and keep from losing his target.
As he nears the corner, he slows and peeks around it before
making the turn. The other car is still there, but it
starts to slow again. It starts to pull into a driveway.
 47

JOHN lets off the gas and lets the car glide past the
driveway. He pulls over to the opposite side of the street
a short distance ahead of the other car and stops.

After he takes his car out of gear. JOHN peeks through the
gap between his two seats to take a look at who is getting
out of the car. The car's door opens slowly. He continues
to watch.

An OLD LADY becomes visible from behind the door. She leans
back into the vehicle and grabs her purse.

JOHN (CONT'D)
(loudly)
Are you fuckin' serious?

The OLD LADY starts, as if she heard JOHN. JOHN sits back
and adjusts his rear view mirror so he can see the lady
without being too obvious. He takes his phone out of his
pocket and dials a contact.

BRYAN picks up.

BRYAN
Hello?

JOHN
Yeah. Bryan? I see your "suspect." It's
a god damn old lady.

BRYAN
What?

JOHN
It's an old lady. She drove around the
corner about a block and a half and
just pulled into a driveway.

BRYAN
But... why would she be slowing down in
front of my house?

JOHN
She probably can't fuckin' see. She's
like 90. There's no streetlights and
there's a hill right there that she
probably thinks is a roller coaster.
 48

BRYAN
(flustered)
Why haven't I seen her before this,
then?

JOHN
I don't know, she probably started
hitting on a gardener and got kicked
out of her nursing home, God bless her.
And who goes around spying on people at
9:30 anyway? This is a joke, I'm coming
back.

INT. BRYAN'S HOUSE/ENTRYWAY - NIGHT

JOHN knocks on the door. BRYAN has been sitting on the

couch, sort of sulking and disappointed looking. He is
mentally preparing himself to be made fun of for the
evening's happenings. CHRIS is sitting across from him and
they both get up to get the door and let JOHN in. They walk
over and open it.

JOHN
(breaking the silence)
So, uh. I need some Gatorade. That
was... that was pretty intense.
(increasingly sarcastic)
I was afraid for my life there.

BRYAN
(quickly)
Shutup.

JOHN
(smirking, teasing subtly)
I'm serious, I was- I was thinking
about calling the police there.

BRYAN
(through teeth)
Shut. Up.

JOHN snickers to himself.

JOHN
I can't believe you thought a 90-year-
old was stalking you.
 49

BRYAN
(defensive)
I didn't know it was an old lady! It
just seemed weird. You would have
gotten suspicious too.

CHRIS
It's not a big deal, you just
overreacted a little bit.

BRYAN
I wasn't overreacting!

JOHN
Nah, it's okay, you were just afraid of
the snow leopards on the loose.

CHRIS
...Snow leopards?

JOHN
Yeah, it's this new thing I'm trying to
start. They're like cougars but with
white hair. Snow leopards.

CHRIS is trying to be understanding while JOHN is his usual

snarky self. BRYAN quickly goes from perplexed about what
was just said back to being on the defensive.

BRYAN
You would have thought it was weird
too. I wasn't being paranoid or
anything.

JOHN
You have to admit, it was kind of
funny.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. Come on,
I'll buy you a shake.

BRYAN
(still kind of pissed)
A shake?
 50

JOHN
Yeah, we'll go to Randall's. It's on
me.

BRYAN
(dryly)
You're trying to buy me off with a
milkshake.

JOHN knowingly points his finger at BRYAN.

JOHN
Yes. But it's not just any milkshake.

BRYAN
(laughing a bit)
Okay, fine. Let's go.

CHRIS, BRYAN, and JOHN start walking out the front door to
JOHN'S car.

INT. BURGER PLACE - NIGHT

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS are sitting down at a table. BRYAN

seems to be keeping a bit to himself, while JOHN and CHRIS
don't seem a bit bothered. CHRIS, however, notices that
BRYAN is a bit off.

CHRIS
Dude, what's up? It was just an old
lady in a car, it's no big deal. That's
a good thing.

BRYAN
I guess...

CHRIS
(confused)
You guess..?

BRYAN
I dunno... I guess I just wanted it to
be something... interesting.

JOHN
What, like someone from the Mexican
Mafia?
 51

CHRIS and JOHN are both clearly puzzled by how BRYAN is

acting right now.

BRYAN
Don't you ever get tired of things just
staying the same? I wanted it to be
something... different. I was kind of
hoping it would actually be something
sketchy.

JOHN
Honestly dude, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

BRYAN sighs. He glances around before leaning forward and

lowering his voice.

BRYAN
I sent in an application to the...

BRYAN pauses and looks out of the corner of his eye quickly
again. He is reconsidering his choice of words and
realizing how he must sound.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
...the government, okay? I thought...
maybe this might have something to do
with that, I guess.
(self-deprecating)
I was obviously wrong.

CHRIS looks surprised and impressed, but JOHN is mocking.

JOHN
(skeptical)
Really? That spy stuff again? You're
still riding that train?

BRYAN
What's wrong with that?

JOHN
It's crazy. Normal people don't just
become spies.
 52

BRYAN
Yes. They do. Who do you think joins
the CIA? Normal people.

JOHN
No, people who know what they're doing!
Not some random college kid who's never
even killed a friggin squirrel.

BRYAN
Look, I know it's not like it is in the
movies. But I still want to do it. I
don't want to be one of those people
that regrets not even trying go out and
do what they want to just because they
think it's unrealistic.

JOHN
(surprised by BRYAN'S earnestness)
Okay, okay, I didn't think it was that
big a deal.

BRYAN
Well, it is to me. I know it's probably
stupid and I have no chance, but I
still want it to happen. I'm not just
gonna sit down and let myself turn into
an office worker when there's even the
tiniest possibility I could be doing
that kind of thing instead.

BRYAN glares at JOHN, but then STACI walks over.

STACI
(bubbly)
Hey guys! Back again I see.

JOHN
We're gonna have a round of chocolate
milkshakes, on me tonight.

JOHN pats BRYAN on the back.

STACI
(a little bit flirty)
Ooh, high rollers are we?
 53

JOHN smiles, CHRIS chuckles a bit, but BRYAN laughs just a

little bit too long. He shuts his mouth sheepishly.

STACI looks at BRYAN a bit bemusedly, but smiles at him,

clearly she thinks he's cute rather than dorky.

STACI (CONT'D)
I'll be right back with those! You guys
want anything else?

BRYAN looks at the other two, but they don't say anything.

BRYAN
Nah, I think just the milkshakes.

BRYAN smiles.

STACI
Sounds good!

STACI just barely starts to turn around to go put their

order in.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(so she doesn't leave)
Hey, wait, did you ever end up getting
a chance to see that movie?

STACI stops and jerks back around politely.

STACI
Oh, yeah, I did actually! It was just
as awesome as you said. I really really
liked it.

BRYAN
I'm glad you thought it was good. I
always hate it when they make shitty
movies out of stuff I liked as a kid.

STACI
I know!
(under her breath)
Like "Star Wars: Episode Three."

BRYAN rolls his eyes at the mention.

 54

BRYAN
Yeah. Pretty much.

STACI giggles.

STACI
(friendly)
Well, I better get back to work before
people decide not to tip me. I forgot,
did you guys want anything besides
milkshakes?

JOHN
(interrupting smirkingly)
That'll be it, I think.

STACI
Ok! I'll be back in a second.

STACI leaves.

JOHN starts looking very smug once again. He raises his

eyebrow.

JOHN
Smooth move, putting the mack on!

BRYAN
(not amused by his tone)
What?

JOHN
All I'm saying is it's about time.

BRYAN
(defiantly)
Shut up, when was the last time you had
a girlfriend anyway?

JOHN
(deflecting/affronted but sincere)
Oh come on man, you remember what
happened with Marlene back in Arizona!
I'm still not over that. We said we
wouldn't talk about it.

CHRIS rolls his eyes.

 55

BRYAN
(flatly)
That was two years ago, John. You met
her on the Internet. You gotta move on.

BEAT. STACI comes back and sets down their drinks quickly.
BRYAN smiles at her and nods in acknowledgement. She
leaves.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Look, what I was saying before... Just
look at these secret agents from the
movies. They're suave, they get the
girls, they go to these elaborate
parties wearing suits and shit... I
mean, why wouldn't you want to be like
them?

CHRIS
(agreeing)
Yeah, that was kind of what I was
trying to say the other day.

BRYAN
You don't have to actually do any real
spying to have that kind of lifestyle.
Maybe we just need to clean up and try
to play the part and we'll figure it
out.

JOHN
(reluctantly acquiescing)
I... guess?

BRYAN looks elated, CHRIS looks pleased, JOHN acts all

martyred, but in reality he may be more excited than he
lets on.

FADE OUT.

INT. UPSCALE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

BRYAN is walking around, looking at things laid out on the

tables in the store. JOHN is obviously bored.

JOHN
I can't believe you dragged us here.
 56

BRYAN starts to get a little tired of JOHN whining so much.

BRYAN
Oh come on. Look at Chris, he's having
a great time.

PAN over to CHRIS looking through the ties on a rack,

marveling at the patterns and their construction. JOHN
looks back at BRYAN, exasperated.

JOHN
Real men don't buy clothes. They just
wear whatever they have. Have you seen
Tarzan? He just wore bark and leaves.

BRYAN
Just humor me a little, I guarantee
it's not as bad as you think.

JOHN
I'm can already feel my balls starting
to shrivel up.

BRYAN pats JOHN on the back.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
That's something you might want to have
checked out aside from this. We're just
going to try on some suits, alright? I
promise it's not going to be as bad as
you think.

JOHN
(skeptically)
Ehhh...

BRYAN
It'll be fine.

BRYAN looks JOHN up and down as he continues.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Besides, you could use something nice
to wear. We're going out tonight.
 57

BRYAN and JOHN start walking closer to the area where the
suits and sport jackets are. CHRIS sees them heading over
there out of the corner of his eye and jogs to catch up.

The three guys walk over to the suit section.

SUIT SALESPERSON
Good afternoon. Can I help you?

BRYAN
We'd like to get fitted for some suits
please.

SUIT SECTION GUY

(trailing off)
Of course. You know, it's nice when
young men like yourselves take an
interest in the finer things. Is there
anything in particular you were looking
for?

CUT to shots of the guys getting fitted-close up shots of

the measurements being taken.

CUT to JOHN scrutinizing suits visually (seen from inside

the rack) and then getting a look on his face that suggests
he just came across the perfect one for him. He reaches
towards the camera to take it.

CUT to BRYAN immediately grabbing a modern but still

traditional navy blue suit with narrow lapels and a nice
sheen. He picks it up and walks off towards the fitting
room.

CUT to CHRIS flicking through the suits in his size on the

rack. He finally finds a slim, traditional British three-
piece rendered in grey.

CHRIS walks into the changing area and opens up a fitting

room. A white button-up and a tie are waiting in there for
him. He puts the suit on the hook and starts taking off his
shoes.

CUT to BRYAN looking in the mirror, buttoning up a dress

shirt over a white undershirt. He leaves the top
unbuttoned, then grabs a tie and slings it around his neck.
We hear a door OPENING in the background.
 58

CUT to JOHN standing on a pedestal, surrounded by

wraparound mirrors, looking at himself from different
angles. He rotates slightly from side to side. His suit is
a bit unusual and offbeat, but it suits him-perhaps it is a
graham plaid.

JOHN
(calling out, self-congratulatory)
Hey guys, come out here and check this
out! I look good.

BRYAN and CHRIS come out to look at him. They are both a
bit disheveled-BRYAN has his tie dangling around his neck,
as it is tied but not fully tightened. His shirt is
slightly untucked. CHRIS has his pants, shirt, and an
unbuttoned vest on.

BRYAN
(teasingly)
It looks beautiful.

They are using feminine adjectives on purpose.

CHRIS
Yeah, that makes you look ravishing.

JOHN rolls his eyes, but is still pleased.

JOHN
Fuck off, I'm starting to like this
idea. I'll be right back, I'm going to
go check and see what other shirts they
have.

JOHN walks out of the fitting room.

CUT to CHRIS and BRYAN walking out in their suits to join

JOHN.

Quick cuts of JOHN trying on sunglasses, some of which are

ridiculous.

JOHN
(wearing a really silly pair of
sunglasses)
Hahaha these are fucking sweet!
 59

CHRIS rolls his eyes in JOHN's direction.

JOHN tries on a pair of brown navigators, and falls in

love.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Oh... these are bad-ass.

JOHN continues to admire himself with the sunglasses on.

CUT to CHRIS looking at the cufflinks, he's kindof

scanning, until he sees a pair of gold seahorse cufflinks.
He points to them decisively and excitedly and we see a
close up of him threading one through his left cuff,
snapping it in place, and admiring it.

CUT to BRYAN looking at different colognes. He picks one

that looks nice and sprays it on a scent card. He wrinkles
his nose.

BRYAN
Ugh... this smells like a flower made
of dicks.

A helpful sales assistant comes over and offers BRYAN a

different scent he might like.

CUT to BRYAN looking at watches, getting the sales

assistant to take some out of the case. He tries a couple
on but eventually settles on a nice, midrange watch that
will go well with his suit.

Cut to the obligatory slow-mo shot of the three guys

leaving the store, walking out to the parking lot outfitted
in their new suits, sunglasses, cufflinks, and shoes. This
could be completely overdramatic, complete with wind
blowing, etc.

They walk out and climb into the car. CHRIS leans forward
from the back seat.

CHRIS
So... what now?

BEAT
 60

BRYAN and CHRIS visibly deflate after realizing they don't

know what they should do next.

JOHN
I don't know... we could break into an
abandoned mall?

BRYAN and CHRIS look at JOHN like he's crazy.

BRYAN
(confused)
What does that have to do with
anything?

JOHN gets offended, but CHRIS interrupts, obviously having

seized on something in what JOHN said.

CHRIS
He does have a point.

BRYAN looks at CHRIS like he's lost his mind.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Well... kind of. We need to set up
somewhere, like a "safe house" or
whatever you want to call it. Somewhere
that's hard to trace and isn't linked
to any one of us.

BRYAN brightens up a bit at this

BRYAN
(somewhat surprised)
That... That actually makes sense.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Maybe we can get an office? I mean,
that way we'll look a bit more
legitimate and have someplace to go.

CHRIS
There's this new office building
downtown that they just built that is
supposed to be really awesome.
 61

JOHN
(pretentiously)
I'll check out some places on my
iPhone.

JOHN pulls out his phone and starts tapping away at the
screen.

BRYAN
Alright, well, let's head that way.

BRYAN starts the car and starts to pull out of the parking
lot.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
I'm sure we'll find something. Where is
this place downtown?

CHRIS
It's pretty close to the old brewery, I
think. Supposedly that whole area is
going to become sort of an arts
district so the complex has this cool
ultra-modern feel to it.

They drive away.

CUT to them in the car, JOHN is explaining his findings to

BRYAN

JOHN
This thing is bullshit. I downloaded
three different apps and they all have
the exact same crap. I guess there
aren't that many places on the market,
but there's a couple we can try.

BRYAN shrugs.

JOHN (CONT'D)
There some big office buildings, but
we'll probably have better luck looking
at those strip-mall-office-park-things.

JOHN tries to get BRYAN'S attention to show him a

particular point on the map displayed on his phone.
 62

JOHN (CONT'D)
(excitedly)
Check it out, this one's got a Quiznos
by it!

BRYAN
(not sure what to say)
Uh... let's look at that place Chris
was talking about first.

CUT to the three guys in front of a big office building.

They walk in the door, into the lobby of the building.
There is a woman sitting at the front desk.

WOMAN
Hello, can I help you?

BRYAN
Yes, actually. We were wondering if
there was anyone we could talk to about
any vacancies in the building?

WOMAN
Oh, you'll want to speak with Mr.
Sanders, he's the building manager.
Take the elevators on your right up to
the second floor. It's room 215.

She flashes them a bright smile.

CHRIS
Thank you.

JOHN, CHRIS, and BRYAN walk off to the side.

CUT to the three of them in another office.

MR. SANDERS
We do have a few spots open. There's a
1600 square foot space up on the
seventh floor, and there's a smaller
1200 square foot space up on the
fourth.

BRYAN
What's the going rate?
 63

MR. SANDERS
Well, for the larger one, you're
looking at about $2000 a month. The
smaller one will run you $1600. That
includes utilities, and both of them
are for a minimum of 24 months.

BRYAN winces and looks over at CHRIS for some backup.

CHRIS
I... think that's a bigger commitment
than we're ready to make right now.

MR. SANDERS
Ah, well, sorry I couldn't be more
helpful. It's a new building.

MR. SANDERS turns his palms upwards, indicating there isn't

much he can do.

BRYAN
Thanks anyway. I'm sure we'll find
something.

BRYAN extends his hand for a handshake, then the three

quickly make their way out of the office.

CUT to the three guys in another office building,

potentially from outside a window or far-ish away. The
proprietor is shaking his head to reiterate there are no
vacancies.

CUT to the three of them looking at another office, but

none of them look excited.

CUT to BRYAN, CHRIS, and JOHN in the car driving.

JOHN
(indignant)
You know, I could get a really nice
whore every couple of weeks for that
price. Screw them, we don't need an
office.

CHRIS and BRYAN take a few seconds to absorb what JOHN just
said. It cheers them up slightly.
 64

CHRIS
I thought it might be difficult for
them to take us seriously, but I think
they were trying to gyp us because it
looked like we have money to burn.

BRYAN
Eh, some of them wouldn't have been too
bad if we didn't have to rent them for
the whole year.

CHRIS
Well, we gotta find somewhere...

They sit in silence for a moment.

CUT to the car driving down the road, past a self-storage

facility.

BRYAN (O.S.)
Wait a second...

The car does a U-turn and pulls into the storage unit
parking lot. BRYAN looks around approvingly at the security
features-metal gates with code locks, concrete walls, locks
and steel doors on the units.

BRYAN
(excitedly)
This is perfect! No one would suspect
this place, and look at the security.
We could pretty much do whatever we
want!

BRYAN gets out of the car quickly. CHRIS and JOHN follow.

CHRIS
(cautioning him, trying to keep Bryan
from getting his hopes up)
Let's wait and see until we talk to
someone first.

BRYAN begins jogging towards the office.

The three guys walk inside the main building, where there
is a MANAGER behind the counter.
 65

MANAGER
Hello boys, can I help you with
anything today?

BRYAN
We're interested in renting one of your
storage units. How much do they cost?

MANAGER
Well, that'd depend on how much you
want to store. What're you looking to
put in there?

The MANAGER looks at them with undisguised curiosity.

BRYAN
I guess, a car... a table... some
folding chairs. Not much, really.

MANAGER
I'd say you probably need a ten by
thirty. That'll give you plenty of room
for the car, the table, and the chairs,
and it'll leave you with some space if
you want to put a bit more in.

BRYAN
So, how much would that cost us?

MANAGER
About eighty bucks a month.

CHRIS
Is there a minimum on the lease?

MANAGER
Nah, there's actually no obligations.
We just do month to month.

The three guys look at each other and nod.

BRYAN
I think this is the place.

BRYAN pulls out his wallet.

 66

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Oh, one more thing. What are your
hours?

MANAGER
We open at eight and close at six.

BRYAN pauses for a moment, thinking.

BRYAN
(tentatively)
Is there any way we can get 24 hour
access?

The MANAGER looks at them suspiciously.

MANAGER
What do you need that for?

BRYAN
(making something up)
Well, it's a vintage car. Sometimes I
like to... take it out for a spin early
in the morning before anyone's up.

CHRIS
(supporting him)
And we don't really use the table and
chairs, except when we have things
going on late at night. We don't want
to have to bother you to come and grab
them.

The MANAGER is obviously placated. He seems to sympathize

with wanting to drive around to blow off some steam in the
middle of the night.

MANAGER
(chuckling understandingly)
Why didn't you mention that in the
first place? That shouldn't be a
problem. I'll get you a code for the
gate that'll let you in after hours.

BRYAN is both surprised and pleased, and is immensely

thankful.
 67

BRYAN
That sounds perfect, thank you.

MANAGER
So is it all settled?

BRYAN looks at JOHN and CHRIS, they nod.

BRYAN
I think so!

BRYAN hands the MANAGER some cash.

MANAGER
Alright, then I'll draw up the rental
agreement.

The MANAGER pulls out a contract for BRYAN. BRYAN signs it

with a flourish, perhaps with a fancy fountain pen. He
holds up the contract ceremoniously, and the three of them
look at it for a moment.

BRYAN
Thanks for your help.

The MANAGER waves as BRYAN, CHRIS, and JOHN walk out.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Ah, yes! This is awesome!

CHRIS
Yeah, that was actually a pretty great
idea.

JOHN
(happily)
Now all we need is a table, some
chairs, a poker set, and a bottle of
scotch.

Shot of the three guys walking away, late afternoon, into

the storage unit area.

CUT to the three of them playing Texas Hold 'Em. They have
a nice set up: a black folding table and a set of folding

(CONTINUED)
 68

(CONTINUED)

chairs, a lamp, and a mini fridge. On the table sits a

faux-crystal decanter and some glasses for their scotch, as
well as an ice bucket and a pair of tongs. There's a cot in
the corner for use as a bench or if someone gets tired.

JOHN looks at his cards. He already has a huge pile of

chips in front of him.

JOHN
Hah, you guys are fucked.

BRYAN and CHRIS look exasperated.

JOHN cuts the tip off of his cigar with a cigar cutter, and
gestures for BRYAN to light it.

BRYAN lights it with a really fancy lighter, it hisses

impressively as he lights it.

CHRIS
Why did you buy that? You don't even
smoke.

BRYAN
(a little embarrassed)
I dunno, I just like fire.
(to JOHN)
You're just shitting us.

JOHN
(mysteriously)
That's what you think.

BRYAN
We know you're bluffing. All in.

JOHN
(laughing)
Okay...

CHRIS
Whatever, me too. All in.

JOHN throws his cards down on the table.

 69

JOHN
Trip aces, motherfuckers.

CHRIS and BRYAN both sigh and push their chips over to
JOHN.

JOHN can't help gloating a bit.

JOHN (CONT'D)
You guys suck, I thought that was gonna
take a lot longer.

BRYAN
(breaking in on his gloating)
We should probably figure out what
we're going to do tonight.

CHRIS
We could look in the paper. That's how
Sherlock Holmes would find shit to do.

JOHN
Except we don't live in the 1700s.

BRYAN
Do you have any better ideas?

JOHN is silent.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Alright, that's what I thought. We
could check out the bookstore that's
right around the corner.

CHRIS
I forgot about that, let's go.

They get up to leave the storage area. As they walk out the
door, they see a COWBOY with his truck backed up to the
entrance of a storage unit. He is loading a bunch of guns
into the unit, perhaps some grenades and ammunition as
well, very sketchily.

COWBOY
(muttering)
Damn kids...
 70

They turn and look at him. The COWBOY looks them dead in
their faces.

COWBOY (CONT'D)
(ominously calling out)
Don't think I don't know what's going
on here. I see what you're doing.

They look at him, confused.

JOHN
Welp, we should probably get going.
(under his breath)
Crazy motherfucker.

They hurry away.

INT. BOOK STORE - DAY

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS are sitting in the cafe section of a

bookstore. BRYAN is in front of a newspaper that is spread
out on the table; they're looking through the front and
metro sections.

BRYAN
Some dude got stabbed outside a
convenience store?

JOHN
That happens all the time. It's what
goes down at convenience stores.

CHRIS flips through the metro section.

CHRIS
(mumbling to himself)
Basketball game... gun show... monster
truck rally... Ah!

CHRIS points at a blurb in the paper excitedly.

BRYAN
What is it?
 71

CHRIS
This defense contractor is hosting a
political fundraiser thing. My parents
were invited to it.

JOHN
(somewhat dubiously)
What about it?

CHRIS
It's apparently a really nice party.
Last year they had a champagne
fountain, ice sculptures, and really
good food. Plus, it's a bunch of rich
people all over the place.

BRYAN
Dude, that sounds awesome!

JOHN
Sounds better than a stabbing.

CHRIS begins to caution them.

CHRIS
Alright, well security is probably
going to be pretty tight. We're gonna
need a good reason why we aren't on the
guest list.

It is obvious that neither JOHN or BRYAN has thought of

this. BRYAN is clearly excited. He thinks for a second.

BRYAN
We'll probably need fake names and
business cards.

CHRIS
We're going to need phone numbers, an
address, and email accounts, too.

BRYAN
How are we gonna come up with names?

JOHN starts throwing ideas out.

 72

JOHN
Chuck Norris.

The other two just kind of look at him.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Indiana Jones?

BRYAN
Andrew Jackson..?

JOHN
What the fuck? Why Andrew Jackson??

BRYAN
I don't know.

CHRIS
I have an idea...

CHRIS gets up and runs over to a shelf. He grabs a book and

brings it back to the table. It ends up being Dan Brown's
Digital Fortress.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
At least these will be kind of normal
and obscure-ish.

CHRIS start flipping through the first few chapters of the

book.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Chad Brinkerhoff... Sounds good enough.

JOHN grabs the book and flips through a few more pages. He
eventually comes across a name that catches his eye.

JOHN
Greg Hale. That sounds badass.

JOHN passes BRYAN the book. BRYAN scans through the rest of
the open pages.

BRYAN
David Becker, I guess.
 73

CHRIS
Alright, so we're good to go. Now we
just need to take care of the numbers
and the mailbox, then we can get
business cards printed. We should split
up and then meet up back at my house.
I'll take care of the mailbox.

BRYAN
I can handle the phone numbers. I'll
just do Google Voice or Skype or
something.

CHRIS looks at JOHN

CHRIS
Can you take care of the business
cards? I have to go home and find that
invitation.

JOHN
...What should I do for them?

CHRIS
Just... make the logo a globe and tell
them to do it in black and gold. We'll
look like princes.

JOHN points towards CHRIS with admiration.

JOHN
I like your style.

EXT. CHRIS' HOUSE - DAY

BRYAN pulls up in front of CHRIS's house. A few moments

later JOHN pulls up behind him. CHRIS's house is really
nice, with an impressive facade and a well manicured front
lawn.

JOHN walks over to BRYAN's car and climbs in. BRYAN calls
CHRIS.

BRYAN
Yo, we're outside.
 74

CUT to CHRIS standing inside his house as he answers the

phone.

CHRIS
OK, cool, I just got here a few minutes
ago.

BRYAN
Awesome, you heading out?

CHRIS
Yeah, just one second.

CHRIS picks up an envelope off of an end table.

CUT to the inside of CHRIS' bedroom, where he stuffs a

couple of things that can't be clearly seen into a nice
weekender bag. He grabs something small and places it
inside of his jacket pocket.

CUT to CHRIS walking outside to join the others.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
You guys got everything?

JOHN hands CHRIS a stack of black business cards.

JOHN
Yup, just like you said. These look
legit.

CHRIS looks pleased.

They drive off on their way to the event.

EXT. FUNCTION VENUE - DAY

As they drive past the event, they see a much of fancy cars
and old, wealthy looking people.

They park a bit further away and walk back.

CUT to them walking into the entrance to the venue when

they are stopped by security guards.
 75

GUARD 1
Hey, hold on, you guys look a little
young to be wandering around here. This
is a private event

BRYAN starts to talk.

BRYAN
Sir...

CHRIS interrupts him, holding a hand up.

CHRIS
I'll handle this. Check your guest
list, Chad Brinkerhoff.

GUARD 1 does so.

GUARD 1
I'm sorry, you're not on it.

CHRIS
(quickly and firmly)
I know that. You want to know why? We
didn't bother to RSVP because I figured
we'd have something better to do, but
at the last minute we decided to be
charitable. Do you know who I am?

The security guard acts bewildered and somewhat taken

aback.

GUARD 1
Look, without some ID and an
invitation, I can't...

CHRIS
We have an invitation right here. And
here's my card, just Google me. Are you
going to let us in now, or do we have
to make a few calls?

GUARD 1
Uh...
 76

GUARD 2
(cutting him off)
We're sorry about the inconvenience,
sir, go right ahead. It won't happen
again

He ushers them through. As the three are going out of

earshot, you hear the guards arguing hushedly

GUARD 1
What the hell was that??

GUARD 2
Are you kidding? All those internet
millionaires are that age. They
probably just got bought out by Google
or something. You wanna lose your job?

CUT to the three guys in an elevator or walking along a

path, laughing excitedly.

The three guys walk through the doorway into the venue,
CHRIS leading slightly. The camera is behind them as they
walk through the door, but then it pans across the party.

CUT to a shot of a band playing, perhaps a jazz ensemble or

string quartet.

CUT to a couple of well-dressed men talking at the bar,

holding drinks.

CUT to a shot of the couples on the dance floor.

The camera focuses back on BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS, who look
at each other and grin. At this point they're all really
excited.

The three guys walk into the party.

They walk over to a table and settle in. JOHN and BYAN
throw their jackets over the backs of their chairs.

CHRIS
I'm going to get some food.

BRYAN
Good idea, I'm starving.
 77

They walk over to the buffet with JOHN lagging behind a

little bit.

CHRIS prepares a bowl of gazpacho, as well as a few other

things.

CHRIS tastes the soup and a look of bliss becomes visible

on his face.

CHRIS
Oh my god, you have to try this
gazpacho. It's amazing.

JOHN shrugs and grabs a bowl of gazpacho. He tastes it but

makes a disgusted face.

JOHN
Ugh, what's wrong with this? It's cold!

CHRIS and BRYAN laugh.

CHRIS
Dude, it's supposed to be that way.

JOHN
Who the hell want cold soup??

They walk back to the table with their food. As they sit
down a WAITER walks up to them to take their drink orders.

WAITER
Hello gentlemen, what can I get you to
drink?

JOHN
I'll have a white russian, easy on the
ice.

BRYAN
Hmm.. I think I'll just have a rum and
sprite.

The WAITER then turns to CHRIS expectantly.

CHRIS
I think just a cranberry juice for me.
 78

JOHN
(paternally, shaking his head)
No! It's a party, no cranberry juice.

CHRIS is still a bit hesitant.

BRYAN
Come on.

CHRIS
(acceding)
All right, all right.

CHRIS turns to the waiter.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Three measures of Gordon's, one measure
of Stolichnaya, half a measure of
absinthe-no more, though, it's very
particular. Shake it and garnish with a
twist of lime.

WAITER
I'm sorry, we've actually just run out
of Gordon's.
(offering)
We have Tanqueray and--

CHRIS cuts him off.

CHRIS
Even better. Tanqueray sounds
excellent.

The WAITER nods.

WAITER
So that'll be a white russian, a rum
and sprite, and an absinthe-tini.

The word seems to grate on CHRIS' ears.

CHRIS
(correcting)
Absinthe. Martini. If you have to, you
can call it a Green Vesper.
 79

WAITER
(somewhat impressed)
Very good sir. I'll get right on that.

The WAITER leaves to put in their drink order.

JOHN and BRYAN look at CHRIS with a measure of awe in their

faces.

CHRIS
What?

JOHN and BRYAN are clearly taken aback by how comfortable

CHRIS is in this environment. There should be some
foreshadowing with his really nice house, etc, but it
should be clear that they are surprised by this side of
him.

The WAITER returns with their drinks.

WAITER
Here you are, one white russian, one
rum and sprite, and
(with a nod to Chris)
one absinthe martini.

They start to sip their drinks.

JOHN
(expansively)
Ahh, this is the life. I could get used
to this.

BRYAN
(enjoying his drink, but not sure what
behavior is expected)
So, what are we supposed to do?

JOHN
Enjoy the party!
(he gestures around him)
Look at this! It's amazing.

BRYAN
(relaxing, to CHRIS)
How's your drink?
 80

CHRIS
Perfect.
(he nods to BRYAN)
How's yours?

BRYAN
(in a faux English accent)
Quite good, thank you.

CHRIS
I have to go to the restroom, I'll be
right back.

CHRIS stands up.

JOHN raises his glass lazily to CHRIS, reveling in the

luxury a little bit.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Take your time, we'll hold down the
fort.

CHRIS walks away.

CUT to a shot of CHRIS wandering around, he can't find the

bathroom so he ends up walking down what looks like a
service hallway, assuming all the rooms are empty for the
party.

SKETCHY GUY 1
Thanks for meeting he. I know this is
not really the best time or place, but
we have a bit of a situation.

CHRIS stops when he hears this, convinced that something is

off. He might quickly slide his hand into his jacket pocket
and then pull it back out.

SKETCHY GUY 2
What's going on?

SKETCHY GUY 1
It's Sunil. He knows a bit too much,
and he's starting to get nosy. It seems
like he's setting up some outside
contact; we think he might be close to
breaking non-disclosure...
 81

SKETCHY GUY 1 (CONT’D)

(menacingly)
...which would cause us a lot of
headaches

SKETCHY GUY 2
Don't worry, we can take care of it.
I'll have someone take him out to the
dam off of Route 9 and have a little
talk.

At this point, CHRIS is a bit scared, but excited too,

because an opportunity has just fallen into his lap.

FOOTSTEPS are heard inside the room. CHRIS starts walking

away so he doesn't get caught.

SKETCHY GUY 1 from inside the room walks out. He sees CHRIS
walking away and stops, cocking his head dubiously.

SKETCHY GUY 1
Hey!

CHRIS turns around.

SKETCHY GUY 1 (CONT'D)

What are you doing in here?

CHRIS
(nervously)
I was looking for the restroom.

SKETCHY GUY 1
(still sizing up CHRIS)
It's back down that hallway.

He gestures with his head.

SKETCHY GUY 1 (CONT'D)

Take a left, it's the third door on the
right.

CHRIS
Oh. Okay.

CHRIS hurries away.

 82

SKETCHY GUY 1 continues to watch him as he leaves, still

clearly suspicious.

CUT to CHRIS in the bathroom, splashing water on his face.

CHRIS, pale-faced, quickly and directly heads back to the

table

CHRIS
(as he sits down)
Guys, I think I may have just heard
something I wasn't supposed to hear.

JOHN
(flippantly)
What, is someone gonna get date-raped?

JOHN is dismissive.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Psh, it was probably nothing. What
happened?

CHRIS
I wandered down the wrong hallway, and
I heard these two guys off in one of
the rooms have a really sketchy
conversation.

BRYAN
(interested)
Oh, sweet. It could be, like, corporate
espionage or something.

CHRIS
Maybe, but it sounded a lot more
serious than that.

JOHN
You're probably just reading too much
into it. Do you drink that often?

CHRIS
(insistently)
No. I know what I heard.
 83

CHRIS opens his jacket slightly, where a recording device

is slightly visible.

CHRIS
I thought this might come in handy and
it did. Look, we need to leave now.
Something's going on that doesn't feel
right, and one of the guys got a good
look at me.

JOHN
Aw come on, we just got here! We can't
leave yet.

BRYAN
He's right. If we leave and there
actually is something going on, it'll
look suspicious. Like you actually
might know something. We should lay low
for a little bit and just leave when it
looks natural.

CHRIS
(calming down a little)
Okay, that makes sense.

JOHN
I'm going to grab another drink. You
guys want anything?

CHRIS
(still a bit shaken)
No thanks, I just need to sit down for
a few minutes.

BRYAN shakes his head and lifts his hand slightly to

indicate that he's all set.

JOHN wanders off in search of alcohol, leaving CHRIS and

BRYAN at the table together.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
No, I'm serious.
 84

BRYAN
Hey, if this actually turns out to be
something... we're gonna check it out,
right?

CHRIS is initially unsure of the idea, but quickly gets a

scheming smirk on his face.

CUT to a shot of them eating.

CUT to a quick shot of them conversing.

CUT to a shot of the waiter offering them a couple of

drinks.

BRYAN and CHRIS notice that JOHN has been gone for a while.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Where the hell did John go? I thought
he said he was just going to get a
drink

CHRIS
(wondering himself now)
I do not know. We should probably go
find him.

They get up and make their way through the party, looking
for him. They find JOHN talking to a random older woman.

JOHN
(drunkenly flirting)
...You look like you could be... like,
twenty-eight. I'm serious.

He notices BRYAN and excuses himself.

JOHN (CONT'D)
(slurring a bit)
Hey guys, what's up?

CHRIS
We're going to head out now.

JOHN
But... I was just warming up!
 85

BRYAN grabs him by the arm and starts guiding him toward
the exit.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Okay, okay.

BRYAN, CHRIS, and JOHN head for the exit, talking.

JOHN
That was a great party.

As the three of them leave, we see SKETCHY GUY 1 following

them with his eyes, ominously.

EXT. FUNCTION VENUE - NIGHT

The three guys are walking quickly back towards the car.

They get in the car, BRYAN jumps in the front seat, CHRIS
in the passenger seat, and JOHN in the back. They drive
away.

BRYAN
Okay, lets hear this recording.

CHRIS pulls out the recording device and plays back the
AUDIO on its built-in speakers.

After it plays, they all sit quietly for a second.

CHRIS
See, I told you. Sketchy as fuck. We
need to figure out what's going on.

JOHN
(surprised)
What are you talking about? You were
the one who said we had to leave!

BRYAN
Look, we can't just let this fall into
our laps and pass it up. You can't even
act like this isn't a little awesome.
 86

JOHN
Do we even know where this place is?
You can't really Google "old abandoned
dam."

CHRIS
Don't worry, we've got this.

CHRIS pulls out his laptop and tethers his phone to it with
a data cable.

He pulls up a mapping website and switches over to

satellite view and starts TYPING and CLICKING around.

CHRIS
It's off of Route 9... we can just
follow along the road on here. It's
gotta be pretty big, so we should be
able to see it from the sky...

CHRIS comes up on a large open area that catches his eye.

He zooms in.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
No...

He zooms back out, then cocks his head at something else as

he scrolls over and goes in for a closer look.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Wait a second...

He mouses over and CLICKS a button onscreen to switch to

aerial view. A photo begins to load onscreen.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(satisfiedly)
Oh, this has got to be it.

JOHN
(intruiged)
Let me see.

They come up on a highway.

 87

CHRIS
Take a right here. Then it'll be like
two exits. It's down this random side
street.

CHRIS points to a line on the map onscreen. He has switched

views and is scoping out access points now.

BRYAN
How are we supposed to get in?

CHRIS
It looks like it's at the edge of... a
park?

He gestures at an area on the screen.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
There's a lot over here, it looks
like... but if you go a bit further and
pull into this neighborhood, it seems
like there's a back way. We could leave
the car there, it'll be less
noticeable.

BRYAN nods indicating he has understood CHRIS, then speeds

off.

EXT. DISUSED FLOOD CONTROL AREA - NIGHT

BRYAN pulls up and parks their car in a discreet location

on the street. They get out and walk back to where a trail
in should be, but are confronted by a wall of shrubs and
trees.

JOHN
(obnoxiously)
Okay, so how the hell are we going to
do this again?

BRYAN dumbly gestures forward, as if they could just walk

through, then nonchalantly starts climbing through the
barrier.
 88

JOHN (CONT'D)
Awesome. This is just what I wanted to
be doing tonight. Wandering around in
the forest. I definitely wouldn't want
to be back at the party.

CHRIS and then JOHN follow BRYAN in, one after the other.
About five or ten feet in, CHRIS abruptly stops.

CHRIS
Shit! I forgot my bag.

CHRIS turns around and starts making his way around JOHN,
back to the car.

JOHN
You really can't live without your
computer for a half hour?

CHRIS
This'll be useful, trust me.

He snags himself.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
...Ow! Fucking trees.

We follow the group through the woods for a little while

longer, then CUT to a shot panning across the vast open
space of the park.

BRYAN (O.S.)
(marveling)
Whoa...

JOHN (O.S.)
Dude. Shut up, it's just a park.

We CUT again to CHRIS, JOHN, and BRYAN huddled together

behind a ridge, mostly inaccessible and out of sight.

BRYAN
(surveying)
There's a lot to watch... You think we
should try to narrow it down?
 89

CHRIS
I don't know... They'll probably come
through over there, where it's less
overgrown.

BRYAN
(straining)
It looks like there's a trail, but I
can't really see.

CHRIS
Hold on...

CHRIS then reaches back into his bag, and pulls out a pair
of night vision goggles. We hear the HIGH PITCHED WHINE of
the goggles being powered up as CHRIS raises them to his
eyes.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Oh, sweet!

JOHN
What the fuck? Why do you have those..?

CHRIS lets the goggles down for a second and looks over at
JOHN as he responds.

CHRIS
(nonchalantly)
I dunno, I got them at Target.

CHRIS shrugs. JOHN and BRYAN look at each other for a

second, amazed that CHRIS just randomly has all this
ridiculous crap.

We see quick shots of the three guys moving around. CHRIS

uses his night vision goggles to scan the perimeter, BRYAN
watches and blocks access to their backs. JOHN just sits on
a rock playing a game on his phone. He loses and puts the
phone down.

JOHN
They didn't even say when they'd be
coming. Who knows if they're even going
to show up tonight?
 90

BRYAN
If they don't show up tonight, they
don't show up. We can keep staking the
place out.

JOHN
(whining)
Ugh. Don't say steak. I'm hungry as
fuck, let's go eat something.

BRYAN
Even just being here, in this
situation, is the most interesting
thing that has happened to any of us in
the past six months. And you want to
just give up and, what... go to IHOP?

JOHN
(now deflecting)
This is the most interesting thing
you've done in six months? Your school
must suck.

BRYAN
If nothing happens, nothing happens.
We're doing what we want to do.

JOHN
(under his breath)
What you want to do.

JOHN subsides for the moment.

More shots of them moving around, this time less

purposefully. CHRIS and BRYAN switch positions. JOHN lays
down in the dirt and looks at the sky with his hands behind
his head.

It is obvious that they're all getting tired. BRYAN yawns,

then looks at his watch.

BRYAN
(almost ready to give up)
Alright, Chris. It's almost three in
the morning. I don't think they're
coming.
 91

CHRIS
(sounding a bit defeated)
Let's give it a few more minutes and
then we can head home.

Suddenly, they hear the sound of an engine (or maybe just

people walking) They get into position, hiding in the
shadows of their vantage point.

Two CAPTORS who look like they could be ex special forces

and are wearing all black walk into view. They are dragging
a CAPTIVE through the dirt by his armpits, and he has a
black bag over his head. The CAPTORS are seen wearing
gloves so they leave no prints. It is clear they are
professionals.

The CAPTORS sit the CAPTIVE they are dragging up against a

wall and, before taking the bag off his head, they
immobilize his hands and feet with zip ties. They then
remove the bag and rip a piece of duct tape acting as a gag
off of his face. The CAPTIVE'S head falters and his eyes
stay closed, indicating he is still unconscious.

CAPTOR 1 kneels and grabs the CAPTIVE by the hair to keep

his head upright. He then slaps him, trying to get him to
come around, and snaps in front of his face a couple of
times. Getting no response, he lets go. The CAPTIVE'S head
falters again.

CAPTOR 1 stands up and it seems he will do nothing further,

but then he quickly turns around and delivers a strong kick
to the side of the CAPTIVE'S stomach. The CAPTIVE falls to
the side and begins heaving and coughing before he starts
to open his eyes laboredly.

CAPTIVE
(still coughing, defiant)
Who the fuck are you?

CAPTOR 1
That's not important

CAPTIVE
(realizing pain)
What do you want?
 92

CAPTOR 1
We want to help you.

The CAPTIVE does not believe this for a second. He appears

to contemplate what to say but realizes his predicament
only really affords him one choice.

CAPTIVE
(skeptically)
With what?

CAPTOR 2
Think of us as guardian angels. We're
here to keep you from making a very
serious mistake.

The CAPTIVE closes his eyes resignedly for a few seconds,

letting the situation sink in a bit more. He opens them
once again.

CAPTIVE
(halfheartedly)
I don't know what you're talking about.

CAPTOR 1
Well, that's a problem then, because we
think you do.

BEAT

CAPTOR 1 (CONT'D)
(musing)
What do you think keeps this country
running? It's not the laws. It's not
the military. It's business. It's
people and companies fulfilling their
obligations to each-other.

CAPTIVE
What does that have to do with me?

CAPTOR 1
Well, we got word that you were
planning on giving certain people
access to some information about a
project you're working on that you
agreed not to disclose.
 93

CAPTIVE
(trying to disarm CAPTORS)
Listen. You don't know what you're
messing with.

CAPTOR 2
(menacingly)
Who did you contact?

CAPTIVE
No one!

CAPTOR 2 pulls out a collapsible club and slams it against

the CAPTIVE'S ribs. A sickening CRACK and WHIMPERS of pain
are heard.

CAPTOR 2
Let's try that again. Who. Did. You.
Contact.

The CAPTIVE catches his breath, but his speech is more

labored because of his new injury.

CAPTIVE
(serious)
Listen to me. It's dangerous. They're
using people like guinea pigs for a new
kind of biological weapon.

CAPTOR 1
(snarling back)
We. Know. That. We work for them too.

CAPTIVE
You can't do that! It's illegal!

CAPTOR 1
(correcting fervently)
No. The CIA can't do it. The United
States can't do it. We can. We can do
whatever the fuck we want. That's why
we exist-to get our hands dirty and do
the things they can't.

The CAPTIVE looks straight into his CAPTOR'S eyes.

 94

CAPTIVE
(defiantly, with increasing conviction)
Two people have already died form this.
The rest that got the drug are going
home and tearing apart their own
families because of the paranoia. This
shouldn't even be used on animals-
there's not enough research, it's not
safe.

CAPTOR 1
We are at war. They're acceptable
collateral damage.

CAPTOR 2
You think those people ever went home
to a normal family? Gone for months at
a time. Always at risk of slipping up
and saying the wrong thing. Working
until four in the morning and coming
back at six. They have every reason to
be paranoid, they're just blinded by
misguided emotion. Who knows what they
could figure out or who they might
tell? In a way we're doing them a
favor; it's one less thing to worry
about.

CAPTIVE
(disgusted)
You're all sick. Every single one of
you. You really believe that, don't
you.

CAPTOR 1
I believe what I'm paid to believe. And
I'm starting to get tired of you.

CAPTOR 1 reaches for a couple of items in his pocket. He

pulls out a nasal spray canister and what looks like some
sort of nose plug as he kneels down and inserts the end of
the spray canister into the CAPTIVE'S nose. The CAPTIVE
starts to struggle.

CAPTIVE
What the fuck is this?!
 95

CAPTOR 1 gestures to CAPTOR 2, and CAPTOR 2 comes over and

restrains the CAPTIVE'S head to keep it steady.

CAPTOR 1
(factually)
I know you're a scientist, so I'll tell
you. This right here is half aluminum
powder and half liquid explosive, give
or take. It comes out in little tiny
droplets with lots of surface area.

The CAPTIVE continues to struggle, but gets nowhere. CAPTOR

1 finishes spraying--two sprays per nostril--and then puts
the spray bottle away. He grabs the nose plug out of his
left hand and pulls a tab to activate a small LED on it.

CAPTOR 1 (CONT'D)
This is a detonator, basically a
miniature receiver and a small shaped
charge of plastic explosive. The light
is just so we know it's working, plus
it makes it a little more comfortable
for you.
(as if it matters)
The other side has sharp edges.

CAPTOR 1 then stands up and walks back a bit. The CAPTIVE

continues to struggle and squirm, even more violently now
that he can envision his fate. He starts screaming out,
panicked, as the captors begin to walk away. CAPTOR 1 pulls
out what appears to be a detonator, then looks at the
CAPTIVE like he expects him to talk.

CAPTIVE
(with increasing alarm)
I didn't talk to anyone! I swear! I can
prove it! I was just bluffing because I
didn't want to be a part of this,
that's all! I swear!

CAPTOR 1
(unsympathetically)
I believe you. But I have a contract
too.

The CAPTORS begin to walk away, out of the blast radius,

while the CAPTIVE attempts to choke back tears.
 96

CAPTIVE
No! I can pro--

A small but powerful EXPLOSION is heard and seen off-

screen, followed by a larger CONCUSSION caused by the fuel
and aluminum igniting. BEAT.

CAPTOR 1
(to CAPTOR 2)
Alright, let's go grab our shit and
clean this fucking mess up, quick.

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS look at each other, stunned.

JOHN
(in shock)
Holy shit.

BRYAN
They just... killed that guy.

BRYAN shakes his head, like he can't believe what just

happened.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
What the hell just happened? Who the
fuck are these guys?

CHRIS is still tracking the CAPTORS with his night vision

goggles as they walk away.

CHRIS
They went off that way; they'll
probably just be gone for a few
minutes. We should get out of here
while we have the chance.

JOHN
No shit, Sherlock.

They quickly and quietly make their way back out to the
edge of the woods they came in through, running across open
spaces where possible.

CHRIS gets his shirt caught on a branch and has to stop to

free himself.
 97

BRYAN hears an animal and panics momentarily.

The relief is palpable when they finally see the car ahead
of them. They run up to it, and all jump into the car
really quickly and get ready to leave.

JOHN sighs in relief.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Thank God. Let's go.

BRYAN
No, now we have to find out what's
going on. We've got to do something.
What were they talking about..?

JOHN
Did you even see what happened back
there? They blew the guy's head off!
Literally! You don't fuck with people
like that!

CHRIS
Should we call the cops?

JOHN (CONT'D)
Yeah, cause they're totally going to
believe a couple of guys saying they
saw someone's head explode.

CHRIS holds a finger up slightly like he has an idea.

CHRIS
Drive towards their car. it's probably
out in that parking lot.

JOHN
What?! Why?

CHRIS
They'll be back cleaning things up by
now; it's gonna take them a while.
We've got a few minutes to try and get
some kind of lead.

They all get into the car.

 98

They pull over near the small parking lot and see one car,
a dark luxury vehicle with tinted windows, sitting there.

JOHN
(dryly)
Well, that's easy enough.

BRYAN cuts his lights and turns off the engine. They walk
over and start looking around the vehicle.

JOHN
Honestly, it’d be a lot less obvious if
it was just a PT Cruiser with flames on
the side.

BRYAN tries looking through the windows by cupping his

hands around his eyes, but has no luck. He tries the door
handle, but that obviously doesn't work either.

CHRIS crouches and scans along the skirt of the car. It's
unclear what he might be looking for.

There are faint rustling noises coming from the woods, and
BRYAN signals to the other two that they should go.

CHRIS reaches into his pocket quickly and grabs something

small. There's the faint thunk of metal sticking to metal
as he sticks something underneath the car.

BRYAN motions at CHRIS to hurry up.

CHRIS
Alright, let's go.

In the car, BRYAN turns to CHRIS

BRYAN
So what did you put on the car?

CHRIS
GPS logger. I got it at Toys R Us. It's
supposed to be for keeping track of
your dog or something, but I just duct
taped it to a magnet.

CHRIS pulls out his phone and shows them the pin on a map.
 99

CHRIS (CONT'D)
It'll show us wherever thecar is within
satellite range. We just wait and see
where it ends up in the morning and
then we'll have something to go on.

They drive off.

CUT to a shot of the tracker blinking unobtrusively on the

bottom of the car as a couple of shadowy figures get in.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS - DAY

BRYAN, JOHN, and CHRIS are in a car. They are still dressed
nicely, but in a more casual style. All three are wearing
polos. JOHN points back and forth between BRYAN and CHRIS.

JOHN
So... you guys didn't coordinate this?
You didn't call each-other this morning
and talk about it and just leave me out
of the loop?

BRYAN
What's the problem?

JOHN
We look like we’re part of a gay
swingers club.

CHRIS
Alright, it should be around here
somewhere. It looked like a
neighborhood on the map, so I'm
guessing it's his house.

CHRIS looks down at the vehicle location on his phone.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
It looks like he's gone now.

They drive into the neighborhood and slow down in front of

a particular house.

BRYAN
This is it, right?
 100

JOHN
No, it's that other house down there
with the same address.

BRYAN rolls his eyes.

CHRIS
(slightly edgy)
Yeah, but pull around to the back...

They drive into an alley behind the guy's house. BRYAN and
JOHN look at CHRIS, expecting him to tell them what to do.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(unhelpfully)
I dunno what to do, I just got us here.

JOHN
We could throw a brick through the
window and break in.

BRYAN and CHRIS just stare at him for a moment.

JOHN (CONT'D)
So we go in and take out the brick when
we leave. It's the perfect crime.

BRYAN and CHRIS don't even know how to respond.

BRYAN
Uh, I'm not sure about...

He trails off as he notices the trash cans.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
The trash! That's perfect!

JOHN
Oh, come on!

CHRIS
Really?

BRYAN is clearly getting excited.

 101

BRYAN
It's what the FBI does. I read about
it. It's not illegal...
(trying to convince them)
Sometimes you can find a lot of stuff
in there!

JOHN
I still think it's a better idea to
just break the goddamn window and go
inside.

BRYAN
(flatly)
We're doing this.

CUT to the three uncomfortably loading the trash bags into

the back of their car.

CUT again to a shot of them dumping the contents out across

BRYAN'S back yard.

JOHN
Ugh, this is disgusting. If I find
Indian food...

BRYAN
(exasperated)
It's not like we're wading around in
his sewage.

JOHN
Oh, that makes me feel a lot better.
So, instead of digested chicken tikka
masala, we're gonna find it raw.

CHRIS is combing through the pile with the back end of a

pen.

CHRIS
So, what are we looking for?

BRYAN
Anything weird, I guess? Credit card
bills, receipts..?

CHRIS sees the corner of an envelope.

 102

CHRIS
Here we go.

He fishes it out from the pile and starts examining its

contents.

CHRIS
Bank statement.

They all gather around CHRIS, who starts to run his finger
down the columns.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Holy shit, this guy spends a lot of
money.

CHRIS and BRYAN look at each other like "what the fuck?"

BRYAN (CONT'D)
He's got a bunch of deposits coming in
from all over the place. Then he blows
it on guns and liquor, it looks like.

JOHN sees and grabs an opened envelope with no return

address.

JOHN
Check this out.

He then looks inside.

JOHN (CONT'D)
It's the bottom part of a paycheck.

BRYAN
From who?

JOHN
Waterfire.

The three of them look at each other, realizing how big

this thing actually is.
 103

INT. BRYAN'S HOUSE/BEDROOM - DAY

BRYAN is at his bookshelf, rummaging through his

collection. He throws a couple of books on the bed. JOHN
and CHRIS are with him in the background.

BRYAN
(rushed)
There's got to be something we can use
in at least one of these.

JOHN picks up one of the books and looks at the cover.

JOHN
(dryly)
The Worst Case Scenario Survival
Handbook, Holiday Edition.

He thumbs through it and lands on a page.

JOHN (CONT'D)
How to extinguish a flaming turkey.
What are we going to do with this?

BRYAN
(flustered)
I don't know. Maybe there's something
in there about breaking into a locked
room to... find presents or something.

BRYAN tosses another book towards the others. CHRIS picks

it up and sits down on the bed, facing a different
direction. He looks back toward BRYAN.

CHRIS
Absinthe and Flamethrowers?!

BRYAN
Maybe we can... improvise some weapons
or something.

BRYAN grabs another couple of books sitting next to each

other on the shelf, then walks over and sits on the edge of
the bed as well. He opens one in his lap and starts
flipping through the pages, looking for something in
particular.
 104

BRYAN (CONT'D)
I know this one has something about...
here!

He puts his thumb on the crease of the pages and shows the
open spread to the other two.

BRYAN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)

Entering a building unnoticed.

CHRIS
(skeptically)
So... we just walk in backwards...
basically?

BRYAN
Well, when other people are coming out.
That way it seems like you're just
walking slower than they are.

EXT. DEFENSE CONTRACTOR HEADQUARTERS - DAY

The three pull up to a large, nondescript complex. JOHN is

driving. He stops and idles away from the building.

JOHN
Listen, if I don't hear from you guys
within twenty minutes, I'm headed
straight to Canada and you guys are on
your own.

CHRIS
Isn't Mexico closer?

JOHN
Yeah, if I want to go to the asshole of
North America. I'm on the run, not out
of my fucking mind. Jesus.

BRYAN
Hey, call my phone.

JOHN moves around in his seat as he reaches for his cell

phone. He flicks through a menu to get to his contacts.

JOHN
...Okay, why?
 105

He still keeps his phone in his lap. BRYAN'S phone starts

to VIBRATE. BRYAN answers the call and puts it on
speakerphone.

BRYAN
Now put yours on speaker and mute it.
That way, you can hear us but we can't
hear you.

JOHN messes with a couple of buttons on his phone.

JOHN
(teasingly)
Which manual was that from again?

BRYAN
Shut up.

JOHN
(laughing)
Hey, no, I'm glad I know who to call if
my Christmas dinner bursts into flame.
FBI shit right there.

CHRIS snickers a little bit as BRYAN puts his phone back in

his pocket. It's upside down so the microphone is facing
up.

BRYAN
(flatly, implying annoyedness)
Does this work?

BRYAN'S voice ECHOES through JOHN'S phone. BRYAN then goes

for the door and nods at CHRIS to do the same thing.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(to CHRIS)
Alright, let's go.
(to JOHN)
Drive around the parking lot randomly
like you're looking for a parking
space, just try not to look too
suspicious.

BRYAN moves to shut his door but JOHN stops him

momentarily.
 106

JOHN
Don't do anything too stupid, okay?

BRYAN cracks a smile and laughs a bit as he nods in

acknowledgement. He takes this as a form of apology and as
an odd wish of good luck. CHRIS still has his door open as
well, so BRYAN looks across the car and calls over to him.

BRYAN
Come on.

They shut their doors and start walking towards the

building as JOHN pulls away.

CHRIS
So, how do we know what we're looking
for?

BRYAN
The guy was a scientist... Maybe a lab?
I guess there would probably be some
paperwork or test tubes or something...

CHRIS glances down at his watch.

CHRIS
Maybe... People should be getting out
by now... it's after five.

BRYAN
(thinking)
Shit. They're probably working weird
ass hours. There's people here,
though...

They continue on their path, headed for the main entrance.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Remember, just keep cool and act like
we belong here. If we look like we know
where we're going, we won't be
suspicious.

CHRIS
Yeah, but we don't.
 107

They approach the main entrance. It is well-secured and has

wide open sightlines.

BRYAN
That doesn't matter! We'll figure it
out.
(quietly, as they get within sight of
the doors)
Fuck, fuck; come this way, come on.

BRYAN veers off to one side, aborting their previously

straight course. They begin following the facade of the
building without looking back.

CHRIS
What? Why?

BRYAN
(insistently)
Just- over here.

Once they are away from the main door, BRYAN stops and
looks back at CHRIS and they sort of huddle.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
They had swipes on the doors, we can't
get in. Even if we could, that main
part is wide open and I'm sure there
are cameras everywhere.

CHRIS
We could try one of the side doors?
They'll probably go into like, stairs
or hallways instead.

BRYAN
I'm sure they're locked too. We can't
just wait outside one for someone to-

They hear the rattle of a heavy metal exit door being

pushed open. BRYAN spins around towards it and yanks CHRIS
to follow him before anyone comes out, and they head
straight for it purposefully.
 108

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(whispering loudly)
Take out your phone and keep your head
down.

BRYAN glances off to the side to see JOHN meandering

through the parking lot or on the side street. In the
meantime, an EMPLOYEE walks out of the exit door. They
speed up a little to catch the door, just barely glancing
up from their phones to make sure the EMPLOYEE isn't paying
attention to them. BRYAN grabs the door as they actually
make eye contact for a few tense seconds.

The EMPLOYEE is dressed very similar to BRYAN and CHRIS,

though, so they don't look out of place to him. He was
actually turning back to try to keep the door open for
them. As CHRIS nervously shuffles through, the EMPLOYEE and
BRYAN end up greeting each-other quickly with a subtle nod
and wave.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Thanks.

BRYAN turns and enters the building, and the door shuts in
front of the camera. Prominently displayed on the face of
it is a sign that reads "NO TAILGATING" and has other
security notices similar to those found on restricted areas
in airports, etc.

We CUT to the inside, where the two of them are standing.

BRYAN and CHRIS both look like their lives just flashed
before their eyes.

CHRIS
(still a bit stressed)
I guess we picked good clothes to wear
today.

BRYAN
Yeah, that was a close call.

They both put their phones back in their pockets and start
looking around to figure out what they should do.
Eventually, BRYAN just picks a direction and starts that
way.
 109

A couple of EMPLOYEES are walking down the hallway towards

them. They're talking about random, inconsequential matters
and are seemingly engrossed in conversation. BRYAN and
CHRIS start making small talk as well in order to blend in.

EMPLOYEE 1
Hey, did you see how Martha fucked up
those engineering drawings? I told them
we didn't need a woman coming in here
thinking she could run the place.

EMPLOYEE 2
(overlapping)
Yeah, tell me about it. I wish we could
still just have secretaries. I mean,
what reasonable female wants to get
into this line of work anyway.

CHRIS
So, what department are you in again? I
didn't catch it.

EMPLOYEE 1
(overlapping)
I know. My wife just stays at home; I
feel like that's the way it should be,
like back in the good old days.

BRYAN
Oh, just... administrative, I guess.
Kinda boring, executive assistant, go-
get-the-coffee type stuff. I live for
the breaks. You're in... the lab,
right?

They turn the corner at the first possible opportunity, but

continue the conversation just for show until they're sure
they're out of earshot.

CHRIS
Yeah, I'm a chem intern-slash-lab
assistant. Pretty much same as you,
except I get to write some numbers down
once in a while.
 110

BRYAN
Yeah, you know, I've been here three
days and I still can't remember where
they keep the damn vending machines.
This place is so big.

BRYAN stops and looks up and down the hallway.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Shit. All of these look the fucking
same. How the hell are we going to find
anything?

CHRIS
Maybe there's a directory? Like in the
mall? I'm sure people get lost all the-

BRYAN
No, because they actually work here.
I'm sure it's like this on purpose.

CHRIS
Well, let's keep going. Maybe we'll
spot something different.

CUT to them walking down a hallway that looks almost

identical.

CUT to them turning a corner and looking around,

disgruntled.

CUT to them walking down one more hallway, exasperated.

They look up and down the rows of identical doors,
defeated, but continue trudging forward.

BRYAN
We're not going to find anything. This
is just a fucking maze. I swear we've
been down this one before.

CHRIS
But it could be just around the corner.

BRYAN
Yeah, and it could be hidden in some
fucking crazy underground lair guarded
by dogs and Amazon women.
 111

CHRIS
Or... maybe that's a little obvious. So
maybe it's here.

BRYAN spots a slightly different door on the corner at the

end of this hallway. It has a sign on it and a keypad
adjacent to it.

BRYAN
Maybe...

As they approach, they see the door is marked "Authorized

Personnel Only: Employees Found In Violation Are Subject To
Immediate Dismissal"

CHRIS
(nervously)
Okay, maybe there is an underground
lair or something. Let's go.

BRYAN tries the handle slowly and carefully. It turns.

BRYAN
No... it's open.

He pushes the door open and they enter. A green light on

the keypad switches to red and starts blinking. They leave
the door cracked open behind them.

Inside, there are two small monitors with camera feeds to

certain employees' offices. There are numerous pages of
handwritten notes strewn about the desk and taped up to the
monitors and walls. A couple of file folder dossiers with
photographs clipped to them are sitting there as well.
BRYAN and CHRIS start thumbing through the documents.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(softly)
Holy shit, this looks interesting. Is
this like a security room or something?

CHRIS
I dunno, it kind of looks like it. Who
are they watching?

BRYAN picks up one of the dossiers.

 112

BRYAN
These guys, I guess?

He starts flipping through the pages.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
It's... medical records? Family history
and stuff? That's weird. What does this
have to do with watching them?

CHRIS starts reading through some of the handwritten

records. He ends up sitting down in the chair and speed-
reading several pages of notes. It looks like he's becoming
increasingly uncomfortable. He looks for a specific dossier
by name.

CHRIS
Jesus fuck. That stuff the guy was
saying at the dam makes sense now. They
dosed this guy with some kind of herpes
virus that somehow started attacking
his brain.

BRYAN leans over and starts looking at the documents as

well.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
This is basically just a really fucked
up lab report. They're trying this shit
out on people... This guy was fine
until two months ago when he got hit
with this and it caused
"...irreversible personality change."

BRYAN
Shit...

CHRIS shuffles through some of the papers and grabs another

handwritten report.

CHRIS
These are just observation notes. They
track people after they get hit with
the dose, mark down what batch and type
they used, and watch what happens. This
looks more recent.
 113

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(reading)
"...airborne virus particles vented
into room..." "...overtake cellular
reproduction, forcing compromised cells
to produce specified neurotransmitters,
inducing Capgras-like paranoia for the
life of the cells..."

BRYAN
"...subject exhibits altered behavior
only when exposed to recognized co-
workers. Either avoids or harasses his
acquaintances." Fuck, so is this like
mind control?

The camera angle shifts and we catch a glimpse of an active

security camera in the corner. We zoom into the camera's
lens ominously.

CHRIS
I don't know. It seems a little too
specific for that. They're probably
trying to weaponize this stuff to make
a chemical weapon that would break
apart enemy squads by turning them
against each other.

BRYAN
But that's obviously not the only way
that could be used.
(reading some more)
"...other physiological effects noted,
high exposure to virus may result in
large scale cell death and cessation of
certain brain functions..." This is
fucked up. I mean, they're trying to
target it... but they're trying it on
people...

CUT to a shot of the footsteps of two SECURITY GUARDS

landing heavily across the clean tile floor. Both guards
are wearing black military-style boots and are walking
quickly, ostensibly towards the off-limits room.

CUT back to the inside of the room where BRYAN and CHRIS
are.
 114

BRYAN (CONT'D)
We better get out of here before
someone comes back. Just grab a few of
those papers, then we'll leave.

CHRIS starts stacking a few of the most important-looking

documents.

CUT back to the SECURITY GUARDS approaching. They are

walking faster now.

CUT to the inside of the room again, where we see CHRIS

opening the door slowly. He steps outside, then looks down
the hallway and sees security guards coming from one
direction. CHRIS stops in his tracks for a second as BRYAN
also exits and closes the door.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(urgently, under his breath)
Let's go.

They both turn away from the GUARDS and start trying to
walk nonchalantly.

SECURITY GUARD 1
(hailing them gruffly)
Hey! Both of you, stop!

BRYAN
(scared, to CHRIS)
Run.

They both bolt away from the GUARDS, running as fast as

they can. The guards take off after them. CHRIS and BRYAN
round a couple of corners, trying to ditch them. CHRIS ends
up dropping the documents he was carrying in the shuffle.

CHRIS
Shit!

BRYAN
Forget about it! Come on!

This whole time, we hear nondescript RADIO CHATTER coming

from the GUARDS' radios.
 115

One of the GUARDS slips on the dropped papers. We intercut

between shaky point-of-view footage and high angle
"security camera" like footage. BRYAN notices an
illuminated exit sign on the ceiling and points to it.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
This way! Head for the exit!

CHRIS
Where the hell else would we go?!

BRYAN pulls his phone out of his pocket and clutches it

tightly while he holds the microphone up to his mouth.

BRYAN
John! We're headed for a fire exit,
probably somewhere in the back. We need
you to meet us there, now!

They round another corner in the direction the sign was

pointing, then we CUT to JOHN making a u-turn in his car
and flooring the gas to head for the building and find
them.

We CUT back to see CHRIS flagging a bit. They see another

emergency exit sign and turn down the intersecting hallway
in the direction the sign shows. The SECURITY GUARDS are
still right on them.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Hurry up!

CHRIS
I'm trying!

They come up to a metal door, which leads into a stairwell.

As they run through it, BRYAN SLAMS it shut and tries to
jam his shoe into it, but fails.

BRYAN
Go down to the exit! I'll meet you
outside!

He starts running after CHRIS, jumping over railings when

possible. We hear an EXIT DOOR OPENING, and the emergency
lights in the stairwell come on as ALARMS start to blare.
 116

BRYAN gets outside to see CHRIS flagging down JOHN, who is

speeding up to meet them. They both run towards the car and
grab the doors as JOHN slows down, but they're locked. He
unlocks them and BRYAN jumps in...

JOHN
Get in!

...but he has to hit the button again because CHRIS was

pulling on the door handle just as it was going to release.
CHRIS jumps inside and slams the door, and they all speed
off just as the GUARDS reach the exit. We see one of them
reaching for his radio as they both run after the car
pulling away. The ALARMS are still very audible outside.

JOHN (CONT'D)
What the shit did you guys do?!

BRYAN
We broke into this room and... I don't
know, when we were coming out these
security guys spotted us, so we started
running.

JOHN
Well, fuck. Why did you start running?!

JOHN makes a quick evasive turn.

BRYAN
Because they started chasing us!

CHRIS
You heard over the phone though, right?
All the shit we found? These guys are
making some crazy fucking kind of
bioweapon and trying it out on their
employees!

JOHN
I don't care! All I give a shit about
is the fact that now we pissed off a
whole motherfucking company whose job
it is to kill people!
 117

JOHN notices something weird in his rearview mirror. It

turns out to be a black SUV with a blue strobe light stuck
on the roof, flashing. He looks back to confirm.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Shit. And this is exactly what I'm
talking about.

The pursuing vehicle speeds up to catch them, but JOHN hits

the gas and starts weaving back and forth to lose them.

CHRIS
(nervously hoping)
Maybe it's not following us?

JOHN
(focused)
Nope. I think it is.

He speeds around a corner and then the camera zooms in a

little to indicate him noticing the next turn, then
flooring it to reach it. The chase vehicle screeches around
the corner.

BRYAN
(looking back)
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

JOHN cuts across into the oncoming lanes, then weaves

through the intersection, taking a crazy turn.

They come up to a line of traffic.

JOHN
Oh God damn it! You've got to be
fucking kidding me!

There is a public walkway running along a river under a

bridge up ahead of them.

BRYAN
Just stop the car and let's get out.

JOHN
What?!
 118

BRYAN and CHRIS start unbuckling their seat belts and going
for the doors.

BRYAN
Come on!

JOHN pulls the front of the car up onto the sidewalk and
bails along with CHRIS and BRYAN. He goes back for his keys
after hesitating for a second.

CHRIS
Jesus, hurry up!

They run straight for the river and jump across several
barriers that they hope will slow their pursuers down. CUT
to the GUARDS from earlier, getting out of their car.

SECURITY GUARD 2
Fuck. Where the hell did they go?

SECURITY GUARD 1 spots them running along the lowered

walkway. He points and takes off towards them.

SECURITY GUARD 1
There they are!

CUT back to JOHN, CHRIS, and BRYAN all running and panting.
They slow down a little and look back, thinking they may
have lost their tails. Right at that moment, the GUARDS are
running down the path from the street to the river level.
One of the GUARDS draws a gun and brandishes it visibly. He
looks for them, then upon spotting them takes off in their
direction.

SECURITY GUARD 1 (CONT'D)

(yelling)
Hold it! Hands in the air!

JOHN
(panicked)
Oh, shit! He's got a gun!

They turn back around and sprint. SECURITY GUARD 1 fires

off a couple of warning shots into the river and the air
around them.
 119

CHRIS
Run back and forth so they can't get a
good shot!

JOHN
(to CHRIS)
Do you still think they're not after
us?

BRYAN
Save your fucking breath! We can do
this when there aren't people with guns
chasing after us.

BRYAN spots a building that looks vacant and accessible.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
There! That yellowish building.

BRYAN and JOHN climb up over an obstacle to get a path to

the building. CHRIS has some trouble and trips or gets
caught, faltering and having to retry. BRYAN hears this,
and stops to look back. He waves for CHRIS to follow them.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Hurry up! They're coming!

CHRIS realizes he has hurt his ankle and might not be able
to make it over in time. He motions for them to go ahead
and go inside.

CHRIS
Go ahead, I got this.

BRYAN
No!

BRYAN starts over to help him, but JOHN grabs him by the
arm and pulls him back.

CHRIS
I'll be fine!

JOHN
Let's go!
 120

BRYAN breaks free, but stops himself as he sees the two

burly GUARDS tackling CHRIS. One of them pulls out an auto-
injector hits him with a potent tranquilizer. The other has
a set of restraints that he places across CHRIS' wrists.

BRYAN
(voice cracking a bit, holding back
tears)
Shit!

JOHN grabs hold of BRYAN again.

JOHN
Come on, there's nothing we can do
right now.

BRYAN hesitates, lips pursed in anger. He contemplates

running over and trying to take on the guards himself, but
realizes there is more he can do if he is free. He turns
around and both he and JOHN quietly run into the building
through the open back door.

They look around their surroundings, assessing them quickly

to find a hiding spot. They run into a dark back hallway
and lock themselves in what turns out to be a restroom
after they turn on the lights.

BRYAN hits his head against the wall and starts pounding it
with his fist.

BRYAN
(painfully anguished)
Fuck! God damn it!

He balls up on the floor and starts crying mutedly. JOHN

cuts off the light.

JOHN
(whispering sternly)
Shhh... they're probably looking for us
now.

Right after he says that, we can hear one of the GUARDS'

footsteps as he runs in to give the building a once-over.
Seeing nothing, we hear him talking into his radio as he
leaves.
 121

SECURITY GUARD 2
No one in the yellow building. Looks
like the other two got away, but we're
taking the first one back to
headquarters.

The radio CHIRPS as he lets off the talk button.

MAN
Hey! That's my car!

INT. DEFENSE CONTRACTOR HEADQUARTERS/O.R. - DAY

Point-of-view as CHRIS starts coming to, out from under the

effects of the tranquilizer.

He tries to move, but is strapped down to something like a

modified dentist's chair or operating room table. There is
a bright light shining in his eyes and he is hooked up to
some medical monitoring equipment.

A muted CONVERSATION can be heard in the background.

LAB TECH
It looks like he's coming to.

CHRIS
(groggy)
Where am I? What is this?

CONTRACTOR EXEC
What is this? That's what we should be
asking you.

We should be able to recognize this voice from before-it's

one of the guys that CHRIS encountered looking for the
bathroom at the fundraising dinner. The one that was seen
watching all three of them as they left. It's obvious by
the cut of his suit that he is a high ranking executive at
the company, perhaps head of security.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (CONT'D)

(venomously)
So, who are you? Department of Defense?
Office of the Inspector General? What
is your name?
 122

CHRIS is still on the fence about whether or not this whole

situation is a dream. He doesn't respond. The EXEC comes
over and turns out the light pointed in CHRIS' face, and
strikes a blow to his stomach. CHRIS writhes in pain.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (CONT'D)

I asked you, what is your name? We know
it's not this...

He pulls the business card CHRIS handed to the guard as he

was trying to get his friends into the party out of his
coat pocket and holds it up in the light, examining it.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (CONT'D)

(angrily)
...because this is a name from a Dan
Brown novel. Are you trying to be
funny? Or are you subtly trying to hint
that you're NSA? CIA? Fucking whatever?

The EXEC slams down the card onto an adjacent table.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (CONT'D)

So you're not gonna talk.
(to LAB TECH)
Put him back out. Go through his things
and get him on the IV.

INT. VACANT LOOKING BUILDING - DAY

BRYAN and JOHN are at each other's throats.

JOHN
I told you not to do anything retarded!

BRYAN
You said not to do anything stupid!

JOHN throws up his hands.

JOHN
What the fuck ever. It's the same
thing.

BRYAN
No it isn't!
 123

JOHN
How the fuck not?!

BRYAN
The other one implies I'm mentally
handicapped! And how is this my fault?
You're the one that held me back; we
could have grabbed him.

JOHN
Yeah, then we would be fucked too! And
how are you putting this on me? This
was your fucking stupid idea! If you
didn't sulk and make us feel sorry for
you and your god damned stupid,
impulsive, fucking childish idea, "oh
haha let's try to be spies," yeah, well
then we wouldn't fucking be in this
shitstorm of a situation, now would we?

BRYAN is visibly quite hurt by this. It's obvious that he

has been blaming himself for what happened the whole time
anyway, but was trying to project some of it away. JOHN
sees this and immediately regrets what he said.

CUT to a different angle, showing JOHN embracing BRYAN,

trying to calm him down and comfort him a little.

CUT to outside, with them walking down the street back in

the direction they came from. They look sullen and
discouraged after what happened, and walk in silence for a
while. Eventually, JOHN chimes in.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sure we'll find him. I don't... I
don't have any question.

BRYAN brings his hand to his face and furrows his brow in
thought.

BRYAN
(sadly)
...how, though?

CUT to them further along their route, turning the corner

onto the street where they bailed from the car. JOHN looks
up and down the street.
 124

JOHN
(unfazed)
Oh great, the car's gone. Now what.

CUT to them walking further down the street, to a somewhat

more populated area. Across the street, out of focus, a guy
leaves a white Mercedes running outside a business so he
can run in and pick something up without worrying about the
meter.

BRYAN'S phone rings. He picks it up, almost expectantly.

BRYAN
(excited)
It's Chris!

JOHN
(surprised, curious)
Pick it up.

BRYAN answers the call and places the phone to his ear.

BRYAN
Dude! Chris! Where are you?! Did you
get out? Hello..?

CUT back to the room where CHRIS is being held. The EXEC is
on the other end.

CONTRACTOR EXEC
(laughing menacingly)
Not exactly.

BRYAN (ON THE PHONE)

Who the fuck are you?

CUT to BRYAN on the other end, anger starting to build.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (ON THE PHONE)

Oh, I'm Chris' new friend.
(enjoying this)
See, we gave him a little dose of...
some stuff. You know, the stuff that
you and him read about in those reports
you were fucking around with? Yeah,
he's been nice and helpful ever since.
 125

BRYAN
(seething)
Leave him the fuck alone.

CUT to the room where CHRIS is again.

CONTRACTOR EXEC
I don't think that's what we had
planned. We've got some more tests we
need to run. Gotta figure out when the
effects of this last batch become
permanent. Hopefully you get here
before then, so we can all talk this
out.

CUT, once more, back to BRYAN and JOHN. BRYAN is holding

the phone away from his face, burning with rage. He cuts
off the call and scans the area purposefully, setting on
the running car across the street. He dashes for it,
forcing a couple of cars to slam on their brakes and HONK
at him.

JOHN
What the fuck?

BRYAN jumps into the front seat and revs the engine. He
pulls out of the space quickly, then stops across from JOHN
with the window rolled down.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Wait, what the hell are you doing?!

The MAN who was driving the car earlier bursts out of a
storefront.

BRYAN
(through teeth)
Get. In.

JOHN jumps in to the backseat and BRYAN speeds off.

We see the car from various angles as it's flitting back

and forth between lanes, passing cars on the highway.

JOHN
So, uh, where are we going?
 126

They exit the highway and pull off into the storage unit
parking lot.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Why are we here?

BRYAN heads straight for the COWBOY'S storage unit and

starts scrutinizing the keypad.

JOHN (CONT'D) (CONT'D)

So, we're trying to break in through a
door we can't get past with a code we
don't have. Great.

BRYAN
Look at the numbers. A couple of them
are more worn. The six...

JOHN
And then the eight and the one. Yeah, I
see that. You know this guy will
literally kill us if he sees this.

BRYAN
We need one more digit... damn it!

He stares at the keypad intently.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Wait a second... what year did they
form the confederacy?

JOHN
...1861? You don't really think-

BRYAN tries that combination. The keypad BEEPS with each

button press, then CHIMES in affirmation. BRYAN opens the
door.

JOHN (CONT'D)
Okay, so this guy definitely is cra...
holy fuck!

They both set eyes on what is basically a huge weapons

cache hidden inside a storage locker. Guns and ammo boxes

(CONTINUED)
 127

(CONTINUED)

are everywhere, and there are militia posters and a

confederate flag on the wall. A couple of SCUBA tanks sit
beside a table, with hoses plugged into them that run from
a covered, bubbling tank of clear liquid. A bunch of
grenades and explosive devices sit on another table on the
other side.

BRYAN and JOHN look around the room in awe, then set eyes
on the sets of SCUBA gear and the tank running gas to them.
Next to the tank are large bottles of ammonia and chlorine
bleach.

BRYAN
He's making chlorine gas and running it
into those backpacks. If you breathe
from the oxygen tank, you're fine, but
otherwise...

He looks at JOHN and smirks. We see quick shots of them

picking up the equipment and grabbing some explosive
devices, then CUT to a shot of the car speeding off again,
back in the other direction.

INT. DEFENSE CONTRACTOR HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Both JOHN and BRYAN, in full SCUBA gear, yank open one of
the front doors leading into the main lobby of the defense
contractor's headquarters building. They look around and
see a hallway with a couple of GUARDS patrolling it. Of
course, that's where they head.

As they start walking in that direction, one of the guards

notices them, but just stays stationary and looks at them,
confused.

SECURITY GUARD
What the fuck?

At this moment, BRYAN and JOHN look at each other and nod.
They both push down on the button that will force oxygen
into their packs, overpressurizing them and causing the
chlorine gas to be forced out of their relief valves. A
green cloud of gas quickly becomes visible around them. The
GUARD notices this and moves to stop them. The other GUARD
is confused at first but then runs to do the same.
 128

SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)

Hey, you! Stop what you're doing!

As they approach, they start coughing and gagging,

eventually falling over unconscious as they breathe in more
of the poison. BRYAN pulls out a couple of radio controlled
sticky bombs and plasters them to the walls. JOHN releases
some more gas as a couple more GUARDS round the corner and
start choking on it as well. They peek around the corner
where the GUARDS came from carefully.

CUT to the inside of the room, where CHRIS, the CONTRACTOR

EXEC, and another SECURITY GUARD are.

CONTRACTOR EXEC
What the fuck is going on out there?

He points at the GUARD.

CONTRACTOR EXEC (CONT'D)

You, go check it out.

As the GUARD is opening up the door to walk outside, CUT to

BRYAN and CHRIS watching him exit. The doorway is also
flanked by two other GUARDS. They were all talking about
what was going on. A couple more GUARDS are coming at them
from their backs as well. One of the door GUARDS spots them
and points.

SECURITY GUARD
Over there! That's gotta be them!

He brandishes a taser. BRYAN looks back at the other GUARDS

coming up on them, holding clubs. He pulls down on the
emergency release valves of the chlorine-filled backpack,
then lays on the oxygen as JOHN follows suit. Green gas
sprays forward from the valves with full force. The taser
GUARD drops his weapon and pushes up against the wall with
his face buried in his arm trying to save some clean air,
but he collapses. The other GUARDS start limping around,
choking, some tripping and falling over the bodies of the
others.

BRYAN and JOHN now walk confidently over to the previously

well protected door. They kick it open to see the EXEC with
his arm around CHRIS' neck, trying to hold him hostage. He
starts trying to make some sort of speech.
 129

CONTRACTOR EXEC
Ah, coming to save the day are you?

But JOHN cuts him off by pulling out his regulator and a
gun and shooting him straight in the head.

JOHN
Fuck you, douchebag.

CHRIS is bewildered, and acts confused and combative upon

seeing them.

CHRIS
Get away! I don't know you! What are
you doing?!

BRYAN searches the room frantically, looking through

drawers until he finds a couple of different colored auto
injectors. He hits CHRIS with them, and he falls
unconscious pretty quickly. He places some more charges on
the wall, grabs a bunch of paperwork, then pulls the
regulator out of his mouth to say something to JOHN.

BRYAN
Give him your secondary. Hopefully one
of those was an antidote or something.
Let's get out of here!

BRYAN shoves one last charge into the dead EXEC'S mouth
before he and JOHN try to carry CHRIS outside as quickly as
possible. They ditch their gear once they get outside, then
lay CHRIS in the backseat of the stolen car. BRYAN drives a
couple blocks into a random parking lot across the street,
then they try to get him to come around.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
(to JOHN)
Call 9-1-1. He might need help quick.

JOHN gets out and starts dialing his cell phone. BRYAN goes
to the back and starts patting CHRIS' cheeks, then shaking
him.

BRYAN
Chris! Chris, come on, wake up!
 130

Eventually he starts to wake up. We see another point of

view shot, then come back out to a normal angle.

CHRIS
Bryan? What the hell happened? I feel
like I got hit by a train.

BRYAN
(overjoyed)
Yes!

BRYAN tackles CHRIS, landing on top of him horizontally on

the seat and hugging him strongly.

CHRIS
(struggling)
Uh... this is a little bit gay...

BRYAN comes up off of him.

BRYAN
Oh, sorry. Ow...

He notices something sharply jabbing into his side. He

pulls it out of his pocket, and it turns out to be a remote
detonator.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, I forgot about this.

He pushes and holds down the button. A loud and bright

EXPLOSION can be heard and felt. The car shakes because of
the vibration and sound. CHRIS and JOHN are both startled,
while BRYAN chuckles. SIRENS can be heard starting up in
the background.

CHRIS
What the fuck?!

Something starts buzzing in BRYAN'S other pocket. He is

startled this time, but it turns out to be his phone. He
pulls it out, and it reads "Blocked" but shows to be coming
from Langley, VA. He puts a finger up to shush CHRIS.

BRYAN
Hold on, I think I've got to take this.
 131

He picks up the call and puts the phone to his ear.

BRYAN (CONT'D)
Hello?

FADE OUT.

CREDITS come up, then after a minute or two the following

starts playing, inset.

EXT. BRYAN'S BACKYARD - DAY

JOHN hears his phone ringing, then picks it up.

JOHN
Hello?

It's his mother.

JOHN'S MOM (ON THE PHONE)

Jonathan! Where have you been? We've
been worried sick!

JOHN
Well...

JOHN'S MOM (ON THE PHONE)

The city called. They said your car was
impounded. What in the world did you
do?

JOHN
Oh, thank God!

JOHN'S MOM (ON THE PHONE)

What? Are you out of your mind?

JOHN
Don't worry, I'll explain later. It'll
be taken care of.

JOHN'S MOM (ON THE PHONE)

How could I not w...

JOHN hangs up the phone. FADE OUT.

 132

A little bit later, this last scene comes up over the

credits as well.

INT. BURGER RESTAURANT - DAY

BRYAN walks into the restaurant confidently. He spots STACI

at the counter and heads over to talk to her.

STACI
Hey, Bryan!

BRYAN
Hey, how's it going? I was wondering if
you'd wanna go see a movie with me
sometime tomorrow.

We can just barely hear some stifled LAUGHTER offscreen.

STACI
(kind of surprised)
Uh, sure! Do you want my number?

The LAUGHTER breaks out fully now as BRYAN turns around to

see CHRIS and JOHN sitting at a table he hadn't noticed. He
SIGHS and shakes his head a little.

BRYAN
...Really..?
(to STACI)
Yes, I do.

He pulls out his phone to take it down as we FADE OUT for

good.