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trance, returning to what she was engrossed in. This weird flash of concentration was
accompanied by a mild intake of breath; it was probably her way of energising,
regrouping and mustering together her concentration and focus. This wide-eyed stare
wasnt an angry or searching look; it wasnt even a look as if to say, What the hell
are you doing in my domain? It was a warm, yet assured look. No, I wasnt an
intruder or trespasser. It was safe to pass by.
From amongst the clutter of spoons, knives, pots and pans, one object stood out. It
was unique. It was the flat round metallic tin. This was no ordinary metal box. It was
the container holding probably the most identifiable Indian ingredient. Ghee! As my
mum prized open the airtight lid, it made a sound I can only describe as the reverse
action of a vacuum cleaner.
Anyway, into the pot went spoonfuls of semi-solidified Ghee- the mother of all
ingredients. Golden rivulets, like syrupy treacle, would emerge from the sides of
these golden Ghee mountains, merge into rivers and gush out from the estuaries into
a molten liquid lake. The brass volcanic lava would then soak into mounds of masalafluorescent turmeric, piquant red chilli, khaki green coriander, barky-brown cinnamon
and aromatic cardamom pods. A bubbling paint pot of colour all mingling into one
My favourite bit was watching her skin the onions. The layers would come unshelledand then with her delicate fingertips she would capture the membrane-sheathed
heart and reveal it like a jewel.
Once again, like a true connoisseur, she crafts the cuisine to her time-honoured
recipes. She knows if its too hot or not sweet enough by instinct. It was her sixth
sense.
It was all a bit like beholding some kind of performance. Youd never known how
much time and effort and passion she had put into the rehearsal. All you would get to
see is the actual performance which was always delivered with effortless ease and
grace. It was ironic, because shed never make a song and dance about anything. I
can truly say that watching her cook for a family gathering was like theatre. You can
bet for certain though that she would never be around to take the final bow, even if
there was an encore.
*
I like celebrations and parties; they are a good excuse to enjoy good company and
let yourself go. However, as I have grown older, my perspective on celebrations has
changed. When you are young, it seems as if the celebrations revolve around you;
the adults smother you with their doting and shower you with presents only because
they see you as an innocent little tot. You have no idea about the significance of the
day. You just enjoy the attention.
As you grow older, you gain more knowledge and understanding about the
significance of the practices and festivals. You enjoy everything but with a sense of
responsibility and knowing.
Waking up early, really early, is my biggest bugbear. With all the excitement,
anticipation and preparation the night before, an early rise is not always that easy.
Its all worth it though when you put on your newest clothes- the best outfit you have
been saving for this day. You feel special. You look special. However, it is not just
about dressing up and feeling good. You have to fulfil your religious duties too. So
early morning prayers, giving charity and remembering the deceased are an integral
part of the celebrations.
Occasions bring people together. There are some you look forward to sharing the
day with and some colourful characters that you have to call family. Gifts exchange
hands. Handshakes and hugs come thick and fast.
Reminding myself to steer clear of one of my aunties, I head for the back room. I
dread being hugged out of breath by her. From a distance she could be mistaken for
Pat Butcher from Eastenders. Rotund and robust, she stands formidable with arms
wide open and a huge comic strip smile, ready and waiting to give you that huge hug.
Occasionally, theres a little lift if shes feeling a tad hearty. And yet, despite my best
efforts, theres just no escaping the great squeeze. This time its with a pat on the
head as well! She probably still sees me as a ten year old just because Im shorter
than her grandson. Why does she always wind me up? I grin and grit my teeth. Stay
calm. Remember it is Eid. Itll be over soon
The family meal is the best part. Food is a good congregator, especially when there
is plenty of it. The decorations add to the ambience of the occasion. Everyone waits
in nervous anticipation. The atmosphere is buzzing. Let the feast begin!
I try to grab a seat near one of my uncles. Hes hilarious! Youre guaranteed a bundle
of laughs when hes around. A wicked combination of Del Boy and David Brent, hes
a crafty salesman who just hasnt made the big time yet. Hes got that glint of tragic
stardom about him. I bet he thinks he could have been big in Bollywood, which is
probably why hes always got that If only look in his eyes. I remember him this
time last year telling us about a dodgy job-lot of authentic Indian woodcarvings
made in some back street workshop in Birmingham he had managed to flog! Its like
listening to a heroic traveller narrating the chronicles of his epic adventure to his
people who themselves just dont have the bottle to take risks.
At the end of the meal, theres lots of getting up and moving around, as everyone
begins to clump together in groups. There are the kiddies who randomly run around
screaming. Then there are the boys standing around acting cool and casual
desperately trying to attract the girls attention but they are far too busy gasping at
each others latest hairstyles and henna hand designs. Over there is the 30s to 40s
club who like to relax and have a laugh, measuring up their career progress against
each other, or canvassing ideas for the name of their next baby. Finally theres the
over-50s crowd who sit and mull over the latest news headlines and muse over the
politics of the day, occasionally glancing at the younger generation in silent
disapproval as if to say, You pretty little things havent got a clue about life. We do.
Weve lived it! Celebrations are great. They bring people together- the weird and the
wonderful. Its what celebrations are all about I suppose, bringing people together.
It all ends with compliments and farewells. Everyone takes away with them the
memories of the day that they will probably reminisce over until the same time next
year.
Commentary
This is highly sophisticated work. A wide range of well-selected and ambitious
vocabulary is employed to great effect in a reflective piece that never fails to
hold the interest of the reader. Detail is carefully chosen and well described
and the sentences are thoughtfully shaped. It is clear that the student has
breakfast, already waiting on the dining room table. My parents followed me in,
chorusing "Happy Birthday." No sooner had they finished singing, their smiles faded
to guilty looks. I looked up at them from my breakfast.
"Poppet, I know its your l6th, but my dad started, glancing at mum for assistance.
I knew what was coming. This was when they announced that there was this really
important business meeting they had to attend, so they wouldnt be there that night
and therefore I couldnt have my party. I shrugged it off. This wasnt the first time I
had been let down by them. My parents werent the sort to ever come to things like
my school plays or fetes and I couldnt remember the last time they had been there
for a birthday party. Work always came first. However, I thought they may have made
more of an effort for my l6th birthday; I was wrong.
As soon as I got into school, I explained the bad news to Jessica, my best friend.
"Well, thats perfect," Jessica gleamed with excitement. She noticed my look of
confusion and went on to explain her happiness. "You say theyre not coming back
until tomorrow, yeah?" I nodded in reply. "Then you can have a house party. Come
on, dont let them spoil your l6th and anyway you have the biggest house. You could
have loads of people.
Although I would get into masses of trouble if my parents ever found out, it was my
16th birthday. Why shouldnt I have a party? It was they who had spoiled everything
by going to some work thing; they should be here for my birthday. Anyway they
wouldnt be back until tomorrow evening that would give me enough time to tidy
the house and make sure all the evidence had been cleared. They would never
know.
Yeah okay," I agreed, "Why not?"
The party had started and news had spread. Not only had majority, of my year
arrived, but also extra guests from other years had turned up- most of whom I did not
know.
Deafening music, pumping from the surround sound, filled the crammed rooms
downstairs. People were chatting, dancing and drinking, making the neatly decorated
rooms turn into my parents nightmare.
The living room was the worst. The once glinting mantle piece was covered in sticky,
spilt drinks, whilst the carpet had crunched snacks, trodden into it. The sofas, with
their cushions, were trashed as they were covered in empty cups and crisp debris.
Ring marks remained where every cup had been placed on the antique table. It now
wouldnt have mattered about paint stains and for some reason, I felt a thriving buzz
for the mess and disorganisation; a contrast from the normal perfection.
I turned to head out of the chaos and there stood my nightmare. Mum stormed over
to me. She growled. "And what do you think youre doing?
Commentary
The narrative is well shaped with effective plot and characterisation. The
vocabulary is varied and well-suited to purpose. Dialogue is used effectively
and, while the conclusion is a little predictable, the story is engaging and
interests the reader. Detail is carefully selected with the contrasting of the
minimalist and perfect dcor and the students bedroom and the aftermath of
the party. The SSPS aspects are sound with a variety of sentence types and
accurate punctuation and spelling. This belongs in the lower part of Band 4 for
both Content and Organisation and SSPS, giving a mark of 16.
Commentary
This self-contained narrative has life and energy and the experience is related
in an immediate and engaging fashion. The details are well chosen and story
progresses with some pace. Paragraphing is accurate as are other technical
aspects though there is not a great deal of ambition in the vocabulary choices.
This deserves a mid Band 3 mark for the Content and Organisation aspect and
a low Band 4 mark for the SSPS element, giving a mark of 14.
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After the phone call, walking back towards the bar, looking out for that gorgeous face
waiting for her to come back, she saw that face but he certainly wasnt looking out for
Ria. He was too busy kissing her best mate, Mair. Ria was confused. What was going
on? She was enraged. How could they do this? Ria was uncontrollable with anger;
she had never felt so hurt before. She stormed over and without even thinking,
slapped Mair. She pulled Zack over to the side of the bar to find out what was going
on. He claimed it was all just a big mistake, it hadnt meant anything.
Ria was furious; how could they have done this to her? She knew it was only a
holiday romance but she did feel a lot for him, and Mair knew that. She wanted to go
home; this had completely ruined the holiday. What had she done to deserve this?
Ria was livid, she didnt know what else to do but cry, but she wasnt going to let
anyone else see. She just walked away heading back towards the hotel...or so she
thought.
It was late, pitch black, the stillness of the street was ominous, and something didnt
feel right, as if somebody was watching her, the same feeling from before but a lot
stronger. Ria carried on walking, not knowing where she was going, the adrenaline
just taking her, hoping soon she would recognise her surroundings. Her heels were
the only noise breaking the eerie silence of the night. Ria was all dressed with no
where to go; she wanted someone with her something certainly didnt feel right.
The black of the night was mystifying. Rias paradise didnt seem the same, no longer
was it inviting and colourful but black, dull and so awful. Why was there no one there
with her; of all her mates she had with her and all the people she had met.
Suddenly it wasnt only her heels splitting the silence; another set of footsteps were
fast approaching. Ria was wary of turning around, hoping it was one of her friends,
scared that it wasnt. She knew she had to look otherwise she would panic. Ria
slowly turned around and with a gasp of breath, she saw Matt. Why wasnt she
pleased to see him? Surely he was going to help her?
Are you ok? he asked leeringly, I saw what happened back there
Yes, Im fine Ria knew he would tell in her voice that it wasnt, she felt
uncomfortable with the situation she was in.
Do you want to come back to my hotel? Matt asked. You look like youve been
crying.
No Im ok thanks Ria snapped back and with this she started to walk away, back
towards the bar, being with Zack wouldnt be as bad as this.
Where are you going? Matt shouted, grabbing her arm. LET GO OF ME Ria
screamed.
Before Ria knew it his hand was over her mouth, her voice was paralysed, and she
couldnt call for help, what was Matt doing? He carried her round the corner, where
he released her.
How about we have our own little party here, Hun?
No thanks, Ive got to get back, I only told Zack I was going for a little walk to cool
down A blatant lie but she was hoping Matt wouldnt now this. She was feeling very
uncomfortable about what was going on.
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Stay for a bit! Matt ordered, he pushed her to sit down on the wall. Ria was quiet.
She didnt know what to do or say. Her whole body was still. She thought any
movement would anger him anymore.
Come on babe, I know you like me, I saw the looks and the smiles Matt said.
I...I...was just trying to be friendly Ria stuttered, a friendly smile had got her into this.
Dont you want to be with me then? Matt questioned.
Im with Zack she replied, she didnt know whether she was anymore but she didnt
want to look available.
I saw you two arguing, you arent together anymore, so you and me can get
together. And with that, he pinched her backside.
Get off me!
O you know you like it, dont tease me. He tried to kiss her and as she pulled away,
he grabbed her so she couldnt. What was going on? She wasnt kissing back so how
could he enjoy it, and she was trying to imagine how nice it would be to be in Zacks
arms again, why had she ruined it? Ria was petrified, if he could force her to kiss
him, what else could he do, she felt helpless. Rias mind didnt seem to be in her
body, she wouldnt accept this normally, and with that thought Matts hands had risen
up to her chest, unbuttoning her top. Someone help here!
And before she knew it...
GET OFF HER! a familiar voice, but whose; she opened her eyes to see Zack,
standing over the knocked out Matt on the floor.
ZACK! Ria screamed, she fell into his arms and cried.
And now sitting here reading the magazine article, her rage did put her in danger, she
had been such a fool and got herself in a situation she couldnt get out off, if Zack
hadnt been there that evening, who knows what could have happened. But it was
unquestionably a holiday that she will never forget.
Commentary
This student organises her third person narrative quite carefully and the
content retains the readers interest. The situation is well established in the
opening paragraphs and characterisation is developed. The central
relationship is reasonably convincing and the narrative has some pace. Details
are generally well chosen and appropriate. Technically it is fairly competent
though comma splicing also slightly weakens the overall effect. Direct speech
is well-handled and sounds authentic although the punctuation is sometimes
faulty. The spelling is mostly correct though the range of vocabulary is
relatively limited and on occasion there are agreement errors. Both Content
and Organisation and SSPS are worthy of a mark in the respective Band 3s,
giving the piece a total of 13.
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simple but reasonably engaging story. It has a clear beginning, middle and end
and there are not many unnecessary details. Paragraphing is secure. The
student has been wise to write about an aspect of life of which he has clear
experience. This makes the work more convincing and engaging. On the other
hand, there are spelling and grammatical errors and the punctuation is weak
on occasion. It deserves a mark in the top end of the Band 2 Content and
Organisation aspect and a Band 2 SSPS mark, giving it a total of 10.
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Commentary
This student tells a basic narrative with a clear development and outcome. He
is able to structure the story with a simple chronology but there is little
development of character or atmosphere. The range of vocabulary is very
limited and the work is flawed with many errors both in punctuation and
agreement. It is paragraphed but lacks direct speech punctuation. His choice
of topic and approach is limiting though he does not descend into totally
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