Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Writing To Find Yourself
Writing To Find Yourself
Allison Vesterfelt
Contents
Introduction
Writing To Become
This is not a book about writing to sell. Its a book about
writing to become. That is the goal here. To write and to
become ourselves.
This is not a book about how to write a bestseller. So, if youre
looking for that book, you might not find what youre looking for
here. Dont get me wrong. I hope you do write something beautiful,
maybe even something with such universal meaning that millions
of copies are sold. Nothing would make me happier. We need more
books like that in the world.
But, if you ask me, selling a million copies of your book is not
the most rewarding part of writing. And unless your goal is to get
rich quick, it doesnt need to be your first priority.
Our first priority must be to find ourselves on the page. Then,
if we sell a million copies, or if we dont, well be okay. We have
something money cant pay fora sense of who we are and where
we fit in the world.
Everybody wants to be a writer. But not everybody wants to
do what it takes to become a writer: to show up without pretense,
to listen to themselves, to lean in and wrestle, to let go of control,
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struction manual may be valuable, but let me tell you what is more
valuable: knowing yourself. Seeing yourself. Feeling comfortable
in your own skin. Understanding the value you have to offer to
this world.
For that reason, this is not a book about writing to sell. It is a
book about writing to become. That is the goal here. To write and
to become ourselves.
1
Learning To Show Up
Ive spent most of my life trying to be the funniest, the
smartest, and the most interesting writer. Now I realize
the best writers in the world are the ones who show up
exactly as they are.
It was a slow realization, reallyI had no idea who I was. You
would think a person would wake up to this rather quickly, the way
you realize youve lost your keys or youve misplaced your favorite sweater (when was the last time you had it? Tuesday, you think.
Yes, it must have been Tuesday). But it wasnt like that at all. If you
had asked me about the last time Id had myself or known myself, I couldnt have told you when.
This impacted every corner of my life, no matter how much I
tried to pretend it didnt. I always felt a little lost in relationships,
first of alllike I was going with the flow of what everyone else
wanted, but didnt really know what I wanted or needed; and even
when I did know, I didnt know how to communicate what it was. I
always had this underlying sensation I was invisible.
At first, writing and blogging felt like the most incredible
solution to this problemlike I finally had a place in my life where
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down to it, the me who ended up on the page wasnt the real, actual, authentic person. I didnt even know who that person was.
When I read through my old writing nowespecially writing
I publishedI think to myself how distant and lost I sound, how
the true, authentic, intimate version of me was hidden behind the
thick wall of words I was putting out.
I felt so small and invisible in those days, despite my growing
audience. I wanted someone to come find me, but I didnt realize I
was the only one who could find myself.
Showing up might seem simple, but it is incredibly difficult. It
takes strength and insight and practice; and Im starting to think
it happens in layers. We show up as much as we can right now. We
learn. And we show up a little bit more honestly later. Writing
teaches us to do this by teaching us to see ourselves.
Writing is like getting naked. When you show up to the page,
really show up, you cant hide anymore. The white thighs you wish
were a little tanner, or a little thinnerthere they are. The cellulite you usually cover up with loose-fitting pants... there it is. The
blemishes you tend to cover with make-upall right there. When
we come to the page, naked and honest, we hear things we dont
want to hear. We discover things we may not want to discover.
What we learn there is going to turn our world upside down.
Its really going to screw us up.
Not to mention, if we ever share what we have to say with the
world, we open ourselves to criticism and ridicule and shame and
guilt. Anytime I tell someone what Im really thinking or feeling, I
give them a tiny bit of power. I hand them the gun. They can shoot
me with it if they want to.
No wonder we hide. Its a natural reaction to a protect ourselves. It makes perfect sense. The problem is, hiding doesnt protect us like we think it will. It just keeps us stuck.
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a feeling we might see ourselves, and each other, and that connection might very well alter us both forever. I cant promise it will
be all pretty and well-organized. In fact, I can almost guarantee it
wont.
But somewhere, in the mess of it all, I think youll discover the
voice youve known was there all along; and that voice will guide
you home. Your first step to becoming a writer might very well be
your first step to becoming who youve been all along.
Something To Try: Morning Pages
I first learned to show up from Julia Cameron. She wrote this
beautiful book called The Artists Way which has taught me so
many thingsincluding how to be present, how to show up as a
person and as a writer.
The main practice that really changed things for me is what
Cameron calls Morning Pages. Very simply, Morning Pages is the
practice of waking up every morning and committing your first
thoughts of the day to paper. You can do it in a notebook or on a
computer, whatever works for you, but the gist of the assignment
is this: write for three pages. Just write. Dont edit yourself, dont
pause and think too much, dont allow your inner-critic to get in
the way. Dont try to write something amazing, dont worry about
grammar, and dont ask yourself if anyone is ever going to read
this or not. Dont worry that, when someone does read it, theyre
going to get their feelings hurt. Morning Pages are not for your
reader.
Morning Pages are for your writerfor the writer inside you.
Write for three pages. Cameron says thats the amount of
time it takes you to get over yourself, to get out all of the negative
energy that so often prevents us from showing up in our lives.
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This negative energy includes regrets about our past and concerns
about the future (Will we have enough money? Will dad make it
through the big surgery? What tragic thing is going to happen
next?). Three pages is about how long we can complain about a
problem without discovering a way to fix it. Three pages is about
as long as we can listen to ourselves whine about something we
cant change.
I started the practice of Morning Pages about ten years ago,
and I use them intermittently in my life when Im feeling especially blocked. Writers I work with always want to know if I do this
everyday and the answer is, no. I dont think you have to do them
everyday, forever, in order to experience their benefit. But I do
think if we consider them a tool, and use that tool with discipline
during certain seasons, with a specific purpose, well probably discover ourselves in a way we never knew was possible.
When I first start doing Morning Pages, it usually looks
something like this:
Good morning. Okay, were doing this again. I hate this. No,
seriously, I hate this. Why cant I drink coffee before I do this?
Whats the point? This is stupid. This is stupid. This is stupid. I
cant think of anything else to say except that this is stupid.
But then, usually, after some timemaybe minutes, maybe
daysI get to something like this:
Some days I feel a little bit like Im wandering around in the
dark. Im not sure which way to turn, or even which way is up or
down. Im just feeling my way through. There are a thousand ideas
pointing a thousand different directions and Im not sure which one
Im supposed to follow. And what if I follow one, and it takes me
down the wrong path? What if I follow one, and it takes me somewhere dangerous? Theres just no way to know for sure.
Suddenly, just like that, I get to the real problem: that Im try15
ing to know the end of my journey before I even start. This might
not be the most brilliant thing Ive ever written, but it informs me
as a person and as a writer. When we grow in one area, we grow in
both.
When Im able to be present, to bring myself to the table, to
practice the discipline of morning pages even when I dont feel
like it, what I learn about myself there helps me growit helps me
make progress, move forward, get out of my rut. Morning pages as
a practice has a way of doing this for me, which is the reason I love
them so much.
The other things writers always ask me is, do Morning Pages
this have to happen in the morning? What if Im not a morning
person? What if I have young children? What if I have a job that
requires me to be up really early? To that question I always say: if
you can get the value of doing morning pages by doing them another time of day, then go for it. Im not sure you can, but let me
tell you the two main benefits of doing this exercise in the morning and then Ill let you decide.
First of all, the morning tends to be a really private time.
Chances are, if youre setting your alarm for 5:30 or 6:00am, there
arent going to be many other people up at that time, competing
for your attention. There arent going to be meetings or events
that pop up during those hours that you just cant turn down.
There arent going to be noises or tasks or people begging for you
to take care of them instead of taking care of you.
So the morning is a great time to do this writing because
youll have enough reasons of your own not to show up at the page.
The last thing you need is your spouse or dog or parents giving you
more reasons.
Second, I think there is a freshness to the morning you just
dont get any other time of day. Im a morning person, so Im will16
ing to admit this might be my own bias. My brother, who is a photographer and videographer, says he gets his best work done late
at night because there is an energy to that time of day that he
doesnt find other times of day. But I still have to say there is something about the morningespecially those first 30 minutes youre
awake. I tend to capture my most honest, most buried thoughts
that time of day.
So if you feel like you can accomplish those things by completing your three pages another time of day, I would give you
freedom to do so. If we were talking in personif you were a client
of mine, or just a friendI would probably urge you to try writing
early in the morning for just a few days, or maybe a week, to see
what happens. But then I would tell you to trust your intuition and
follow your gut.
This is the beauty of this process of becoming. There are no
hard and fast rules. When we show up and listen to ourselves, we
find our way.
One Last Push: Get On The Plane
The last bit of pushback I usually receive from writers when
I give them this assignment is this: Okay, but I only have a few
hours a weekor, like a few minutes a dayto get writing done. I
cant afford to waste my time writing something I wont be able to
publish. Should I still do Morning Pages? I expect this response. I
anticipate it. I understand it. This was my initial reaction to Morning Pages as well. And yet, heres what I always say.
If you were going on a trip to another country, youd have
to get on a plane. Youd spend 9-10 hours on the planemaybe a
little less, maybe more. Then, when you arrived at your destination, youd take a million pictures and enjoy your vacation. This
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is when all the good stuff of your trip would happen, the stuff
youd want to tell people when you got back home. Then eventually, youd have to get back on the plane to come home.
When you told people about your trip, my guess is youd leave
out the plane ride. Unless something dramatic happened, you
wouldnt waste your time telling your friends and family about
how you took a dramamine or drank a Baileys in your coffee or
watched a bad movie until you fell asleep. You wouldnt talk about
the microwaved food that was supposed to pass as breakfast, or the
light turbulence on the way down.
No. Likely, youd focus on the museums you visited and the
sights you saw or the friends you made or the food you ate once
you arrived at your destination. But, you would have never made
it to your destination without the plane ride. It wasnt the most
glamorous part of your trip, but it may very well be the most important.
Try having a vacation in another country without traveling
via plane, bus, boat or caryou wont be very successful.
Think of Morning Pages like the plane ride to your vacation.
They arent the most glamorous thing in the world. They arent
the most presentable part of your writing. When you go home,
chances are youre not going to relay every detail of the plane ride.
Youll probably never share your Morning Pages with anyone. But
without your Morning Pages, you may never have anything to
share at alljust like, without the plane ride, you cant have a vacation in another country.
Think of a place you really want to go and ask yourself: is it
worth the plane ride? Is it worth the waiting in line, the bad movie,
the microwaved breakfast? If your answer is yes, then ask yourself
this: what about when it comes to writing? Is it worth the minutes,
the hours, the days you will sacrifice in travel for the destination
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2
Learning To Listen To Yourself
We find our way, in the beginning, by listening to the
guidance of those around us. But over time we begin to
realize the most valuable guidance comes from within.
The idea for this book came a few months ago. I started noticing I was having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, and
for that matter, a difficult time falling asleep at night. It was difficult for me to get myself motivated about things that had once
felt fun; and activities that had at one time been second nature to
mewriting, running, cookingwere difficult and forced. I never
felt like I was getting enough done.
Every night I would pour myself a glass of wine and praise
God it was all over.
Except, it wasnt over.
Usually there were emails to be responded to and last minute
fixes for the blog post and dinner to be ordered (because Id run
out of time to cook again) and any other of a list of various tasks
that begged to be completed. My husband, Darrell, would come
home from work, we would turn on the TV, and plunk away on
our keyboards until we could barely hold our eyes open any longer.
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tainly been worse than others. For the most part, it has seemed to
ease in the past several years, as Ive worked through some of my
fears and guilt, in friendships and in therapy. And yet, during this
season, I felt it come slowly back.
This cant be, I would think to myself. Im over this. Im too
mature for this. This is the old me. And yet there was one particular day when it couldnt be ignored any longer.
My husband Darrell and I had driven to a conference where
wed been invited as guests. We go to at least a dozen conferences
each year, usually with some kind of purpose or responsibility
one of us is speaking or presenting or coordinating something.
But in this case, nothing was expected of us. We were just supposed
to relax and enjoy ourselves. We needed this. Wed been waiting
for it and anticipating it. This was the first time wed slowed down
in weeks.
But as I walked into the conference and began introducing
myself to people, I realized my heart was racing. My breath was
short. My face was hot. I didnt feel like myself.
Ive had dozens of anxiety attacks in my life, if not hundreds,
so I knew right away what was happening. But why now? Why, all
of a sudden, out of nowhere, after years of being relieved from
these symptoms, were they suddenly coming back? I couldnt figure it out.
I motioned to Darrell I needed to leave, which Im sure was
confusing to him since we had just arrived. But as soon as he saw
the look on my face, he offered to walk me back to the hotel, just
a few blocks away. Once we were safely closed in our room, I told
him what was happening.
My dad, a therapist, says anxiety usually stems from guilt. Every time were feeling anxious, he says, we should ask ourselves,
what do I feel guilty about? Ive been through this process so
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the side and reminded yourself you do not have a choice in these
matters.
You have to get up, to get ready and get yourself out the door.
But before you leave, its time for breakfast. If you were to really listen to yourself, youd have to admit what you really want
for breakfast is pancakes. Or bacon. Or both. Even more than that,
what you really want is for someone else to cook this breakfast for
you, so you could just read the paper and enjoy. But you quickly
talk yourself out of this desire, telling yourself pancakes are too
many carbs, a restaurant is too much money and making pancakes
and bacon at home would take far too much time.
In fact, if youre like me, youre lucky if you even eat breakfast
at all.
Then, consider what happens when you show up for work.
Your boss makes a passive-aggressive comment to you about being a few minutes late. Your co-worker, for some unknown reason, moved the files you were working on and now you cant find
them. Youre furious at both of them. You find yourself stomping
around the office, playing out scenes in your head where you haul
your boss outside and punch him squarely in the nose (he deserves
it, hes been doing stuff like this for as long as youve worked here)
or where you call your co-worker out in front of everyone, telling
him how it should really be done. But the minute your anger is
called to attention (someone in the office says, hey Julie, you doing okay?) you ignore yourself again.
Oh, yeah, Im great! you respond with a smile. How about
you?
Its so easy and functional and expected for us to ignore ourselves. As youre reading these scenarios you might even be thinking to yourself: can you imagine what would happen if I didnt
ignore myself? Id be late for workif I even showed up for work
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ment with this advice and discover where it would take me. I decided I would begin to listen to my bodyreally listenand follow
where it was leading. As Ive practiced this advice, Ive run into one
major problem.
The problem with following our bliss, if you ask me is most
of us dont have the foggiest notion of what our bliss truly is. I
know I didnt. I didnt know the difference between my thoughts
and my feelings. I didnt know how to stay with my desires long
enough to hear what they were telling me. Did I really want a half
box of girl scout cookies? Or was that desire covering up a deeper
desire, one much more terrifying to recognize?
Maybe this is just me. But until I started this experiment, I
didnt realize the hard truth: I didnt have the faintest notion of
what I truly wanted. I hadnt spent enough time listening to know.
Let me ask you this: If I were to tell you that you could quit
your full-time job todayor, if you were in school, you could drop
outwhat would you do? What if I told you I had become independently wealthy, and out of the goodness of my heart, I would
like to pay you a hefty salary of $250,000 per year for the rest of
your life to do whatever you want. The only stipulation is whatever you choose has to be meaningful to youand it has some positive impact on others (so, it cant be playing video games all day
or laying around eating Pringles and watching reruns of Law &
Order). It has to be something purposeful.
What would you want to do?
My guess is, thats not an easy question to answer. Even for me
this is challenging and Ive spent the last four solid years of my life
exploring my answer. Four years ago I quit my full time job, sold
everything I owned and set off on a journey around the country to
become a writer. I was certain thats what I wanted to do forever.
These days, that hasnt changed. Im still certain I want to write.
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But how involved would I want to be with other people and their
writing? Are copywriting, ghostwriting, editing and coaching just
something I do to pays the bills, or do I really enjoy it? The things I
do because I want to do them and the things I do because I have to
do them seem to play with each other and impact each other and
the lines between the two become really fuzzy.
Sometimes we convince ourselves we like something so we
dont feel so miserable doing it. Dont you think?
Listening to yourself is the practice of separating all of this.
Its the practice of digging down below the surface to get to whats
true. Its figuring out the difference between passion and obligation. Its uncovering your bliss. This must have been what Joseph
Campbell was talking about. Because if we can get to our blissour
real, actual blissI do think it will lead us in the right direction.
Our instincts are remarkably accurate.
Learning to listen to yourself is an essential part of becoming
a good writer, but it is also an essential part of becoming a whole
person. Without a listener, the healing process is aborted, Miriam Greenspan notes in her book called Healing Through the Dark
Emotions.
What would happen if we began to listen to ourselves? What
would happen if we stopped ignoring our instinct, our intuition,
our fear and our pain? What would happen if we quit trying to
pretend like we were already fixed, already put-together; and just
admitted where we actually are?
Perhaps we would find relief from our worry, our anxiety.
Maybe we would uncover the happiness we long for. Maybe we
could give ourselves permission to stop caring so much about how
many many people like us, or how many copies we sell, or how viral
a post we write.
Because we have what we set our for all alongnot fame or
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What would it look like to create more space for silence in our
lives?
Try taking a whole day without background noise. Get away
from the city, turn off your cell phone, your TV, your radio. If
you typically watch TV during the day, take a sabbatical from it. If
youre like me, and youre used to falling asleep to Netflix at night,
try going a few days without it. Create space for listening.
Ive been experimenting with this exercise lately and its incredibly uncomfortable, but the experience is also profound.
What if you even just took an hourtook a walkand stayed
present with yourself for long enough to hear whats beneath the
surface, beneath the noise?
What if you listened without judgement to what you find
there? What if you didnt push a feeling awaysimply because
it didnt fit your current paradigm or because you were afraid of
where it might lead? What if you were just honest with yourself?
My guess is if you can stand the silence, youll find that your
intuition is more reliable than you ever realized. Youll find a hidden wisdom inside of yourself, like I did: you first, others second.
This inner wisdom might help you overcome the blockages youre
experiencing, show up to the page and uncover the most unique,
most authentic version of yourself.
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3
Learning To Wrestle
You dont have to know exactly where youre going. You
dont have to have it all figured out. In fact, sometimes
the only way to figure it out is to just get in and start
wrestling.
Have you ever noticed how so much content on the Internet
these days makes life sound easier than it actually is? I dont know
why this has jumped out to me so much lately, but Ive gotten to
the point where I cant even stand it anymore. I cant even read
Twitter. It just makes me want to throw things. It makes me want
to scream, One God-forsaken blog post is not going to change
your life!
Clearly, I have anger issues around this topic. But you get my
point.
On the one hand, I get why this is. There is a demand for whats
easy. People dont want to do the work. If we can reduce the truly
awful, uncomfortable, unpleasant, difficult things in life to a list
if we can promise them that following that list is going to make
those awful, unpleasant things simple and even funno wonder
readers flock to it. I would flock to it, too.
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The only problem is this stuff doesnt work. Not in the long
run. Not when the rubber meets the road. Not when mom gets
Cancer or the debt-collectors call or when your spouse admits
there is someone else. In these moments, no list can console. No
list can bring healing. No list can restore your marriage. No list can
give wisdom. There is only your pain, your story and the tiny bit of
hope that keeps you moving.
If we are going to write something that mattersfor ourselves
or anyone elsewe have to learn how to write that. If we are ever
going to uncover ourselves and move beyond ourselves, we have to
be willing to move outside of the five simple ways and 10 quick
steps and admit that life doesnt happen in lists.
Lists and how-tos have their place. I can name a dozen selfhelp books that have helped me help myself in my life. Mostly,
theyve helped me put language to the things I was already experiencingwhich helped me change the stories I was telling myself.
But real life change doesnt happen in lists. Real life change
happens when were willing to fight, willing to wrestle.
The problem with lists is that they make life sound much easier than the life I actually experience. They make it seem like, if
you follow this simple formula, or buy this product, or complete
these stepsone, two threeeverything will fall into place. But the
reality of my life doesnt live up to this expectation. Nothing that
matters in my lifemy faith, my marriage, my journey of finding
myself, my writinghas occurred because I have followed a list.
Nothing.
Lets take marriage for example. I read every marriage book
known to man before I got married. I dog-eared the pages and
highlighted and processed through all the advice by writing about
it in my journal. I was also in my late twenties and had watched
most of my friends get married first. I had learned from them,
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Its Okay To Be In It
Theres a scene from the movie Garden State that I really love.
The two main charactersAndrew and Sam (played by Zach Braff
and Natalie Portman) go for a swim in a pool late one night and
then find themselves sitting in front of a blazing fire, drying off.
Sam looks at Andrew and Andrew looks at Sam. They exchange
charged glances but no words.
Then Sam says, Youre really in it right now, arent you? Andrews mother has just passed away, and he isnt sure exactly how
to grieve the loss. Hes been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety
drugs for so long, hes not sure how to feel much of anything anymore. But now that hes met Sam, you can tell he is considering
coming out from his hibernation and feeling something again.
Sam explains how this is something her mother used to say
when she was really deep in thought about something, when it
seemed like she was really trying to wrestle with something or
work it out. She would say, youre really in it right now, arent
you?
Ever since I saw that movie, Ive loved that phraseand that
ideaof being in it. I find myself in it on many occasions and
wonder if this is not a prerequisite for good writinga willingness to lose ourselves inside of something, a piece of writing or a
subject. I wonder if we have to learn how to lean into something,
to grow our tolerance for the fear we might feel, the pressure, the
pain of leaning against something that doesnt necessarily feel
steady or safe.
To me, leaning in means were willing to accept that the process of being present with ourselves, listening, wrestling, letting
go, speaking up and connecting with a reader doesnt just happen once. It happens over and over again, every time we choose
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and invest every last penny, and it isnt what they wanted? What if
they get halfway through and get stuck? What if they share their
deepest, darkest secrets with me and I betray them? What if they
share their idea and I steal it?
These are the questions we all ask as writers and people who
choose to show up and be ourselves.
And at the same time, no one had ever asked me about my refund policy before, so I told her honestly I didnt have one. I asked
her if I could take few days to think about it.
As I thought about it, I had a realization that fundamentally
changed the way I thought about the coaching process. It went like
this:
Formulas, lists, money-back guaranteesthey make us feel
so safe, dont they? They help to settle our anxieties, to calm those
questions that ask, what happens if this doesnt work out? They
make us feel like, no matter what happens, everything is going to
be okay in the end. But is it even honest to guarantee someone
anyonethat everything will work out? Can I promise you that, if
you work with me for three months, youll finish a book or your
book will be good or it will sell? No. This is part of the beauty and
the pain of writing and becoming ourselves. There are no guarantees. Selling a guarantee to success is like promising to give you
air. Its theresuccess is there, it existsbut how do we really hold
onto it?
And come to think of it, what if those anxieties we feel when
we are asked to show up to the pagewhen we put our money and
our time and our heart-energy where our mouth isare exactly
the fuel we need to find our way out? It hurts like hell. Theres no
denying that. And theres no guarantee it will be anything meaningful or good. Theres no guarantee it will matter to anyone else.
But if its ever going to matter for youfor mewe have to be
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willing to wrestle.
So I emailed her back and told her I couldnt offer her a money-back guarantee for coaching. It wasnt because I was unwilling,
or because I was trying to be jerk. It was because I cant offer anyone that kind of guarantee about writing or about finding themselves. It doesnt work like that and it would be dishonest of me to
promise something I cant deliver by myself.
I told her that if she wanted to finish her book, she was going
to have to be as committed to the process as I was (if not more). She
was going to have to ask the hard questions, to have a high tolerance for pain, to fully surrender to the birthing process. I told her
that if that didnt seem like something she wanted to do, I totally
understood. There was no pressure on my end of things. I would
give her full refund now, before we started.
I didnt hear from her for a few days, and I honestly figured
that was her answer. I assumed she was going to opt out. But 48
hours later I got the e-mail: Okay, Im in, she said, But I have a
list of questions.
Good. I thought to myself. Questions are an excellent place to
start.
New Life Comes
A friend of mine recently had a babyan actual baby, not a
book babyand last time we got together we spent some time
talking about the birthing process. Her labor was really long, so although her intention was to give birth naturally, without the use
of drugs, eventually (after 22 hours) the doctors began to worry
that if she didnt have an epidural, she would not have the energy
to push when it came time.
At that point, she explained, she was way too tired to fight
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them. Shed been laboring for nearly a day, so all idealistic pictures
of how the birthing process was supposed to go in that moment
flew out the window. She signed the papers and before she knew it,
the anesthesiologist was standing next to her and she was feeling
like she had just died and gone to heaven. The pain had stopped
and nearly an hour later, she gave birth to her little girl.
We sat in awe together for a moment at the marvels of modern medicine. We couldnt help but think about how often women used to die in childbirth, or lose their babies, before all of these
other measures were possible. Im still not sure if this experience
fits perfectly into the analogy of what it means to labor over the
writing process, or the process of becoming. But it makes me think
this: The process is not safe. Its not pretty. Its not all neat and
wrapped up with a bow.
Thank God for modern medicinefor the equivalent comforts and therapy and access to people and things that soothe our
wounds. Without these things, we may not survive. Our bodies
might, but our souls might die. But the birthing processthe process of bringing human life into existencehas never been a safe,
easy, clean process. It has always been a messy one. And no amount
of medicine or numbing or therapy or writing coaching could ever
change that. Anyone who sells you a guarantee is lying.
So then, what is my role as a writing coach? Ive struggled with
this a little bit. If I cant guarantee you an outcome, what is my
role?
A marketing coach would say Im supposed to tell you about
the tangible benefit I will bring and about the problems Im going
to solve if you choose to hire me. And Im sure theres a place for
that, but if Im really speaking my own truth, none of that feels
like the whole picture to me.
To me, that feels a little like a guy taking a girl out to coffee
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for the first time and promising he wont break her heart. He cant
keep that promise. It doesnt work like that.
Relationships and writing are both delicate balances. We have
to learn to lean against each other and depend on each other, and
when one person shifts his or her weight, of course it will have an
impact on the other. You cant promise it wont.
So as a writing coachand even as I type this bookI feel little
bit like a pastor trying to explain the way to spiritual healing, or
the way to heaven. The words reach toward something that is real
and good, but the words arent enough. Words are insufficient to
describe spiritual realities. Faith is not a linear, step-by-step process. Neither is writing. Neither is finding yourself.
People who have faithlike people who have written something of consequence, who know the sound of their own voice
have done so because theyve wrestled.
Theyve asked the questions. Theyve felt the feelings. Theyve
shown up and theyve listened to themselves. And at the end of the
day theyre willing to admit they dont have it all figured outbut
that theyre going to continue to do all of those things. Continue
to show up. Continue to listen. Continue to wrestle.
As for me, as a writer and a coach, I cant make any promises.
All I can do is what I know to do, which is keep showing up, keep
listening to myself. I cant worry about how all of this ends, I can
only remember how it always beginsa willingness to endure the
pain of struggle until new life comes.
Something To Try: Write Now, Edit Later
Is there something youve been wanting to write, meaning to
write, dying to writebut youre putting it off because you dont
have the answers? What if you just tried this. Write now. Edit lat42
er. This has been one of the hardest tasks for me to learn as a writer
but it has also been one of the most important.
My tendency is to write now and edit now. In other words, I sit
down to the computer and edit myself as I go. I type out a sentence
and think to myself, I shouldnt have used that word, or the
reader doesnt need to know that, or what a dumb thing to say.
Then, after awhile, when this inevitably doesnt work, I sit down to
the computer and think to myself, who cares about the reader? I
dont give a rip about the reader. Im doing this for me.
Either way, I never make much progress with my writing. The
creative process is never as satisfying as I want it to be. The editing
process doesnt produce the product I hoped it would.
I wish writing wasnt such a process, dont you agree? I wish I
could just sit down to my computer, type out a few words, and have
suddenly created a masterpiece. I dont like the patience writing
takes. I dont want to get on the plane to my vacation. I just want
to snap my fingers and be there. I wish I could just arrive in one
sitting. I dont think Im alone in this.
I remember talking to an author once who mentioned how
frustrated she was that her book was taking so long to complete.
I asked her how long she had been working on it, and she told me
six months. I nearly spit out my drink. Oh my, I wanted to say. If
you can write a book in six months, youre doing great!
Part of becoming a writer, in my experience, is learning how to
sit with myself in this process, learning how it feels to let an idea
percolate until its ready, to allow myself to show up to the page all
disheveled and grammar-less; to go back and clean things up later.
So I often edit myself as I write, which leads to stilted, controlled writingor I free-write and then never edit, which leads to
messy, convoluted writing. Either way, I am not living up to my
potential as a writer or as a person.
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There is a parallel here for how we live our lives, if were willing to see it. We cant edit our lives while were living them. We
have to live now, with abandonspeaking up when we feel passionate about something, moving forward with conviction and
without fearand then edit later. Later, we have to sit down and
reflect, asking ourselves honestly what worked and what didnt
work, being truthful with ourselves about our real intentionsthe
ones hidden behind the one we want everyone to think we had.
The editing stage is where we adjust for next time. Its where
we say, I shouldnt have said that or done that. I was acting selfish.
Im so sorry. Its where we confront ourselves so we can change.
Editing is when we clean things up, clear things out, have a
good, long, hard talk with ourselves or those around us. Its where
we ask for support, get critical, develop the willingness to go back
over things again, and again and again until we get them right.
This must be a regular practice in our lives if were ever going to
grow or make any progress, but we cant always be editing. We
have to live firstto write firstand then edit later.
If youre anything like me, you recognize that the writer in
you and the editor in you are two different people. Or, at the very
least, theyre two different sides of the same person. The writer
in me says, go! Write! Get the words on the page! Or, go! Jump!
Start that project! Take that leap! Meanwhile the editor in me says,
wait, have you thought this all the way through? You could start
the story in the wrong place or forget a comma or misrepresent
the characters. Are you sure you want to risk that? Do you have an
outline? Are you really ready?
The editor in me says, You could make a fool out of yourself!
Or, This could be dangerous! You could lose your savings or break
a leg or ruin this friendship. Dont do that or say that unless youre
totally sure its the right thing to do.
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46
4
Be Okay With Imperfect
The best writers and the best stories in the world arent
focused on perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. The
best writers are willing to give up the story they wish
could be in order to tell the story that is.
Im not much of a fiction writer. I only took one fiction writing course in college and I was by far the worst fiction writer in
that class. But the most memorable thing I learned from my professor that semester was this: the primary thing that makes a fictional character believable is that they are imperfect.
They are a mixture of right and wrong, good and bad.
I found that so fascinating, and to this day, I think of it often.
The thing that makes a fictional character seem most like a real
character is that they dont live up to your expectations of them.
So, in other words, a cheerleader who is the most popular girl
in school, speaks like a valley girl, and cant wait to find out if she
made cheerleading squad is not the most believable character.
What would make her more believable, more relatable? If we saw
her behind the scenes reading Steinbeck. Perhaps she is intelligent
in a way she feels afraid to admit to anyone around her.
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Think of your favorite character for a minute. It can be someone from a TV show, a book or a movie.
Do you have it? Ask yourself how that character surprises you.
One of my favorites is Rory Gilmore from The Gilmore Girls.
Rory is a sweet, studious, bookish young girl whos closest confidant is her mother. In the first few seasons of the show, you get to
know her pretty well. She is an avid reader, goes to a private school
and is an obsessive rule-follower. At one point, Rorys mother Lorelai admits Rory has never done anything wrong in her entire
life. She hasnt gotten a bad grade, hasnt been caught smoking,
hasnt shoplifted.
Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. Lorelai exclaims. She forgot
to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that
she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? Shes just sitting
there in her bedroom yelling at me, Now no-one else got to read
the Iliad this week because of me!.
There are a few quirks that make her an authentic, believable
character. She and her mother watch too much TV. She keeps her
distance from the posh, uptight cotillion world of her classmates. She lives in a small town filled with quirky, out-of-the-ordinary people who would no doubt be rejected by the students and
families of her fancy private school. Even her grandparents, who
live in the uppity town just 20 minutes away stand in stark contrast to where she spends her eveningsin Stars Hollow, the unimpressive, strange, down-to-earth place where she has grown up.
But the most interesting dichotomy comes about five seasons
into the showwhen Rory loses her virginity. Up until this point,
shes put off sex with two boyfriends, both of whom she loved. The
writers of the show have established Rory as the cautious, careful,
logical, analytical, pro-con-list kind of girl. But caught in the heat
of the moment with her ex-boyfriend, she finds herself in bed
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more ways I could have shown up to the page. Ive discovered new
ways I wasnt really listening to myself. Ive noticed areas where I
was holding back, where I wasnt willing to wrestle. And if I had it
to write over again now, I think I would be able to admit even more
of the nuance I couldnt see or couldnt admit then.
But I am surrendering to the process of becoming an authentic writer and an authentic person. Im allowing myself to see people, and to see my circumstances, as a mixture of good and not-sogood.
Sitting With Yourself In The Dark
One of the scary things that happens as you begin to be present with yourself, to listen without judgment and to wrestle with
what you find there is youll likely begin to have strong feelings
about people, places and things you didnt notice before. As you
work through your morning pages, for example, you might find
yourself writing about negative feelings toward your dad, or your
job or even your spouse. Perhaps these feelings were not apparent
to you before or perhaps they were, but my guess is you didnt realize how much they were affecting your day-to-day life.
Its important to honor these feelings and give them space to
exist. I used to think the opposite was true. I used to be so afraid
of feeling anger, fear or jealousy, I would push those feelings away
until I couldnt see them anymore. But negative feelings we have
pushed away are like a beach ball weve pushed underneath the
water. Theyre still theretheyre just waiting for a space and opportunity to pop out again. The only way to move through these
feelings is to admit them, honor them, and allow yourself to feel
them fully.
We have tended, in the past, to see these feelings as totally
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5
Learning To Let Go Of Control
My best writing doesnt tend to happen when I obsess
over it, plan it, map it out and try to articulate it perfectly on the first try. My best stories occur when I open my
hands and heart and simply let the words come.
It was about 2pm when I got the call you never want to get.
My husband and I had been fighting that dayall daythe
kind of fight you reserve for special occasions in a marriage. You
know, Christmas Eve, just before you leave for church. The first
day of a brand new job. A time in life when both of you are severely
sleep deprived. Or, you know, any random day during your first
year of marriage. We were acting like children, but we didnt care.
We had yelled, slammed things, broke at least one of the
things we slammed, and then I dropped him off at work without
a word.
I was livid. I wasnt thinking straight, and I was looking forward to having some time without him at the house.
Thats when the phone rang.
The first missed call was from my sister, who I didnt much
feel like talking to at the moment. This was weird because I always
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band and we had moved, together, from my home in Portland, Oregon (where all of my family lived) to our new home in West Palm
Beach, Florida. As transitions tend to go, this one had been a little
bit rocky. I had gone from being an organic-eating, dressed-down,
Birkenstock-wearing, granola-ish Oregonian to a part of the country where boob jobs, high heels, luxury vehicles and string bikinis
were the thing. I had gone from being single to married. I was trying to be fully invested in my new life without completely abandoning my old one.
It was a ton of pressure, and no matter what I did, I felt like a
total failure. Things felt out-of-sync. I knew they would be back in
sync soon (right?) but what if something happened before then?
I suddenly felt very afraid of everything and my life felt out-ofthis-world fragile.
A few weeks earlier, as I was driving to dinner with my husband, I told him, If something happened right nowif one my
parents got sick or had a heart attack or died... I would never forgive myself.
Now, here I was, staring at these two missed calls on my cell
phone.
I called my mom back first. She didnt answer. I called my sister back second. By now my heart was racingalmost like it could
anticipate what was about to happen. I heard my sisters voice on
the other end of the line.
Dont freak out, she said. But dads in the hospital.
After that, I only heard about ever fifth word ... heart attack...
doctor... come soon...
That was when the wailing started.
Im not sure if youve ever cried like thisor if youve ever
seen anyone cry like thisbut it reminds me of the last scene from
Baz Lurmans Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet (Claire Danes) wakes
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up and discovers what Romeo has done. When she discovers the
mistake hes made and the impact it now has on her, she lets out
a sob that could wake a grown man from a drunken slumber. Its
from her gut. Its loud. The camera pans out to show the entire
tomb (which, in this movie is covered with lit candles) and her sob
echoes throughoutso you can hear it a dozen times over.
That sob, in my opinion, is one of the most gut-wrenching
sounds in the entire world.
Thats how I sobbed that day. I grabbed my purse, left my
house without shoes, went back to get shoes because I remembered,
strangely, that in Oregon, you can be arrested for driving with no
shoes... or was it get a ticket? I couldnt remember, but I went back
to get my shoes and drove straight to where my husband was working. I finished the conversation with my sisterwhich was barely
a conversation because we were both crying so loudlyand then
called my husband.
My... my dad... heart... attack... doctor... died three times...
My attempts at explaining what had happened and what I was
doing were interrupted several times with, wait, what happened?
Who? and, Babe, you have to calm down. I cant understand you.
Eventually I made it to his office and he met me outside. I collapsed into his arms.
All the things I had been angry about earlier that day, all the
things that had made me think I never wanted to see him or talk
to him again, all the things I had been trying to fix and control because they made me absolutely crazy... none of that was important
any more. In fact, it was hardly relevant. I couldnt even remember
why I had been so mad.
All my illusions of control had been exposed. I didnt control
anything. I didnt control my husband. I couldnt control him...
why should I try? I didnt control my own emotionsat least not
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Because the girl I discovered the day I almost lost my dad is the girl
I want to bethe one who is willing to let go of control of her tiny,
unimpressive and self-centered little life, to sacrifice her carefully planned out words, to show up, to listen and to just be herself
mess and all.
Be Willing To Get Messy
When I want to pretend like I have control over my life, I
clean my house.
We live in a modest two-bedroom loft in Nashville and we
host people all the time. We love having overnight guests and
adore hosting dinner parties and often have people over for latenight game nights or movie viewings. We make popcorn. We
drink wine and lemonade and beer. And all of that makes a mess.
It makes a mess of dishes and schedules and routines and furniture. It disturbs the quiet of the house and leaves footprints on the
carpet and a pile of shoes by the door.
I wish it were different, and when I want to pretend like it is
different, like no matter what happens I have my crap all together,
I clean. I put the shoes back exactly where they belong. I line them
up all perfectly and separate them by color. I vacuum. I run the
vacuum back and forth in a perfect patterns so it leaves lines in the
carpet. Then I try to avoid walking on the carpet so they pattern
can stay as long as possible.
I shot a short video course for writers in our little loft apartment; and I made our apartment look perfect for the cameras. I
cleaned. I arranged all the trinkets on the coffee table. I bought
fresh flowers. I wiped all the fingerprints off the refrigerator and
cabinets with Windex. I hid the little scrub brush in the kitchen
underneath the sink.
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Behind the camera, what you would have seen was a total
disasterempty donut boxes, old Chipotle containers, camera
equipment, sweatshirts, various loose papers, all the bags and
purses of everyone involved in the production. But in the camera
frame what you saw made you think my house looks perfect.
Heres what Ive learned about making anything look perfect:
if it looks perfect, it isnt real. As long as I try to control my life and
clean it up and make it perfectly presentable, I wont be free to
actually live inside of it. Ill have to stay off the carpet and and never open the fridge and never put on my shoes to leave the house.
As long as I try to control my writing and clean it up I wont
be free to speak from my heart, to speak my truth.
I dont want to control my life or my writing. I want to live it.
I want to write it.
But learning to quit controlling your life or your writing
doesnt just happen overnight. There have to be catalysts for this
kind of changemoments where you almost lose someone you
love, or a split second when you forget what is smart and do what
your heart tells you to do or nights when you choose to go to bed
with the dishes undone and the shoes in a heap and confront the
anxiety that comes.
You dont just wake up one day and decide to stop trying to
keep things under your control. You have to notice youre doing it,
admit your fear, and let go again and again and again.
When it comes to writing, the answer is no different.
Recently I submitted a piece to an editor friend of mine and
asked him if he could help me make it better. Something about it
wasnt working, but I couldnt put my finger on what it was. He
agreed, and after he read it, he said, youre being too careful. Its
so clean. When I heard the words, all I could think about was the
row of shoes lined up by my door, the pattern in my carpet. A clean
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learn to do these five things, I think you might just be ready to give
up what you should say in exchange for what you need to say. You
may just be ready to speak up.
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6
Learning To Speak Up
I used to think I didnt deserve to speak up until I had
something smart or insightful to say. Now I know that,
if I can speak up in humility, even when my thoughts
are incomplete, my words help shape who we are together
becoming.
There has been a pattern in my life of keeping silent. I thought
silence was saving all of us, but of course it wasnt. Silence didnt
save anything.
My husband has been trying to lose weight lately. Its not a really aggressive approach. Hes not dieting, per se. Its more lifestyle
changes. Hes trying to eat smaller quantities and avoid ordering
pizza late at night and, you know, stop before he eats the entire
box of cookies. Pretty typical first world, stressed-out, slowing
metabolism-because-Im-30-now type problems.
The cool thing is hes seeing results. He bought a scale and put
it in our bathroom and he weighs himself several times a week. His
clothes are fitting better. He has more energy. Its an all-around
good thing.
The problem is, for me, scales and diets and counting calo66
ries are not a good thing. Not even close. Im 510 and 128 pounds
(I know because I just weighed myself) and I dont need to lose
weight. But for some strange reason, when people around me are
dieting, I cant help but join in. Im not sure if its the competitive
nature in me, or if its all the magazines and media that have fried
my brain into thinking the thinner, the better! or if its some
other kind of quirk or sickness altogether, but every time I hear
him celebrate that hes lost a pound or four pounds or that he only
ate a certain number of calories for dinner... I cant help but feel
badly about the number of calories I ate for dinner, or rush to the
scale to weigh myself to compare.
For the first several weeks he was doing this, I didnt tell him. I
worried that, if I told him, I would squelch his energy and enthusiasm toward eating better and working out and I really didnt want
to do that. I was happy about the changes he was making. I didnt
want him to stop. So why would I tell him something that was going to make him feel badly about it?
Heres why. Because when we choose not to speak up about
things, our words become toxic inside of us.
According to Miriam Greenspan, when we suppress, dispel,
avoid, deny analyze or distract ourselves from what we think
or feelrather than being mindful of itthe energy of those
thoughts and feelings either gets trapped inside of us as toxic energy, or it finds a means to escape some other way. She goes on to
say:
Distract yourself from deep sorrow and it will come back to
haunt you. While distraction can stave off feeling overwhelmed
by intense emotional energy, it can also suppress a necessary flow
of emotion... distracting ourselves from our emotional pain...
doesnt help us get to the root of what ails us.
Speaking up, on the other hand, will get us to the root of what
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process, the more intentional we can be about it, the more likely
we are to reach a level of maturity as people and as writers. This
process, in my experience, goes in order. It had a cyclical nature to
it. It repeats itself over and over and over again.
We learn to be present with ourselves, to listen to what our
bodies are saying (not necessarily our minds), we are willing to
wrestle with it, to see it as imperfect, to let go of control, and then
we are ready to put it out into the world. So often we get this backwards. We speak up before weve done the work that comes beforehandnot the work of perfecting, but the work of surrendering.
Showing up. Listening. Fighting through it all.
Those who have walked this journey know: this is where our
message comes from. This is how we know what we need to say.
If we want to experience the intrinsic benefits of writing Im
talking about, if we want our words to really make a difference in
our own lives or the lives of those around us, we cant ignore the
steps that come before speaking upbeing present, listening to
ourselves, wrestling through a problem, learning to see it as nuanced, and letting go of control. This process readies us for what
comes when we speak our minds.
It readies us to receive criticism with wisdom and grace. It
readies us to admit our own part in all of thisour anger, our grief,
our fear. It readies us to get into the ring, to be a part of our own
messy story.
It doesnt happen overnight. Its a process. But the process is
worth it. Ive seen this to be true over and over again.
Owning Our Stories
After a week or so of stopping myself and feeling scared by
what my husband might say, I finally decided to speak up. I had
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It wasnt because he saw me that I became myself in that moment. It was because I became myself that he could see me. And
being seen felt really good.
We think we can protect people if we dont speak up. Or at
least this is what so often keeps me silent. I think I can protect
myself from the pain of ridicule when I have an idea that doesnt
work, or that I can protect others from the pain of discovering the
impact of their words or actions. I buy into the lie that ignorance
is bliss and would rather live in that ignorance than invite any of
us out into the light.
But ignorance is never as blissful as it seems, and keeping
quiet might protect us from blame or ridicule, but it also keeps us
trapped in our own miserable prison of silence.
And yet speaking up is not always glamorous. When we decide to speak up, we are choosing to join the ring, to get into the
mess of things. When we choose to speak up, were choosing to
throw our weight around a little, to stick our elbows out and make
room for ourselves. This means we have skin in the game. We cant
speak up without having any skin in the game.
Speaking up means we might be wrong.
It means we might be right, but we might have said it in the
wrong way.
It means admitting we only know part of the story.
When we speak up, we are inviting criticism. We cant speak
up without expecting people are going to respondand they get to
choose how they do that.
We have to ask ourselves: Are we ready? Are we strong enough?
What if my husband had responded to me with anger or criticism
or frustration or fear of his own? That would be his choice. Could I
have held onto myself anyway? Could I have held my story and let
him hold his? When we throw our voices into the silence, we have
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to know our voices wont be the only ones there. The world is filled
with voices. Is there room enough for all of us?
Can we hold onto our own story, in spite of everyone else?
I think we can. I believe we can. But not without being ready.
Not until weve learned to show up, to listen to ourselves, to wrestle through problems, to be willing to be imperfect. Not until we
learn to let go of control.
Something profound is happening to me as Im learning to
own my own story without asking others to own it for me. Im
discovering Im stronger and more unique than I ever imagined.
Im discovering there is room for me. Im beginning to see how my
thoughts and ideas and opinions arent nearly as important to the
world as my voice isthe words and images and stories that make
up who I am.
Something To Try: Tell The Story Of Your Opinion
I was editing a short eBook by one of my clients and there was
one particular part I found to be really off-putting. I couldnt quite
put my finger on it, but as I read the words I just felt disconnected
from the author, like there was a thickness between him and me.
It could have been the subject matter, I told myself, since I happened to disagree with what he was saying, but I was pretty sure
that wasnt it. I often read articles I disagree with but can still admit they are well-written. It was something else.
So I asked the author if he could meet with me over the phone
or Skype and I told him what I was sensing. I tried to be sensitive
to the fact that I disagreed with what he was saying and reiterated
several times that I wasnt trying to get him to change his mind. I
just wanted him to show up for the reader.
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7
Learning To Connect With An
Audience
Writing is not about you and its not about your audience. Writing is about the connection that happens when
we find a way to reach out for another without losing
ourselves.
My dad is a psychologist. People always want to know what it
was like to grow up with a psychologist for a daddid he psychoanalyze you? Did you ever have him interpret your dreams?
and I always say it was pretty much like growing up with any other
kind of dad. He just happens to be a really great listener, and give
really good advice.
One of the pieces of advice he has reiterated to me my whole
life is that, when it comes to just about any problem we face in life,
there are Three Big Ideas which help to point us in the right direction. These Three Big Ideas, according to my dad, are prerequisites
to healthy relationships, healthy living and a healthy sense of self.
They are also prerequisites, I would argue, to great writing. The
Three Big Ideas go like this:
1. Differentiationthe ability to know oneself and be one76
the kitchen table, at a time that felt too early for me and probably
too late for him, but we spooned the ice cream in a sort of silent
agreement. He asked. I responded. We both moved to the middle
and for the smallest moment, we found transcendence.
Ive held onto that memory all weekas our lives take us separate directions and we cant seem to agree on an appropriate bedtime and we feel disconnected. That small moment of transcendencesomething as simple as a lightning stormhas kept me
waiting, kept me hoping, kept me holding onto myself and reaching out for him. It isnt easy, but its worth it because that moment
of transcendence is so powerful, because I hope we can make another moment like that happen again.
Transcendence cant happen all the time. But it is what we
work for, its what we strive forby holding onto ourselves while
reaching out for the other.
You might be wondering: what on earth does this have to do
with writing? Great question.
When it comes to writing and finding ourselves, I think we
have to strive for the kind of balance Im talking about here. We
have to hold onto ourselves. In other words, there have to be spaces
and places that are, creatively speaking, just for us. We have to get
private and allow our minds to wander. We have to give ourselves
permission to feel what we feel and to follow the trail of those feelings to hear what they have to say.
Then, one day, after all of that has happened, and as soon as
we feel ready, we zoom out from ourselves and take a look at the
whole picture. We ask ourselves: where is a reader going to connect
with this? How can I support the reader? How can I bring them
along with me on my journey? This is the attachment. How can I
reach out to my reader and make sure they feel connected and attached?
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It sounds harsh to say it that way but its true. Every marketing person worth his or her weight will tell you: people, for the
most part, dont buy books because they want to read your story.
They buy books because they want to be entertained, get skinny,
improve their marriage, etc, etc. You get the drill.
And yet, part of my problem with this advice is that the best
authors I know arent necessarily writing for a huge audience.
Take The Shack, for example, by William Paul Young. He didnt
write this book for a wide audience. In fact, he wrote the book for
his children. He had fairly narrow intentions: Im going to teach
my kids about the Holy Spirit. And yet the book had wide appeal.
The same is true for Blue Like Jazz, by Donald Miller. The
book is an incredibly personal faith journeythe struggle of it,
the questions, the wrestlingand yet millions of people saw themselves in that story. It gave a whole generation of people permission to change the way they think and talk about their faith.
I could go on. Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Eat. Pray. Love. by
Elizabeth Gilbert. A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.
Anything written by Anne Lamott. These are some of my favorite
authors and stories. Theyve sold, collectively and even individually, millions of copies. And yet I cant imagine any of these authors
sitting down to the page and asking themselves, What does my
audience really need to hear? Whats their felt need? My guess is
most writersnot all of them, necessarily, but many of themsit
down to the page focused mostly on themselves.
Eventually, an author does have to think about their audience, partly because their publisher makes them and partly because they really do care about their book moving beyond themselves. But thinking about your audience too soon, if you ask me,
can derail you. If youre too attached to what your audience needs,
what they think, what they might sayyoull lose yourself.
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freedom to dance.
I realize not every child would react like this. Ive also met
children (future MTV stars, Im sure) who looove being in front of
a camera. A camera comes out and they come alivehamming it
up and telling jokes and doing weird stuff to get attention. I suppose you could argue these children are hiding in their own way.
Theyre hiding behind humor and showboating and their ability
to make people laugh. We all have our tactics.
My point is this: each of us, in our way, changes when we realize were being watched. Maybe when you realize youre being
watched, you respond like my friends little girl doesyou run
hide under your blanket on the couch. Maybe, instead, youre like
the kid who sticks his tongue out in front of the camera and tries
to make fart noises with his armpit. Whatever kid you are, if you
ask me, you will find yourselfyour most authentic voicein private.
You are your most authentic you when no one is around to
listen, no one is around to take pictures. This is where you really
meet yourself.
This, I suppose, is why becoming a better writer, and discovering my unique voice, has been such a process. First, I have to get
private. I have to choose not to care about what anyone else would
say. I have to follow my bliss. I have to brain dump, write my feelings, get the words on paper. Then, I have to forget about myself
for a second and reach out to connect to my audience. If I do this
enough timesover and over againI find transcendence. It isnt
about me, or about them. It is about us both.
Eventually, I did get my friends little girl to dance for the
camera. I explained to her how cute I thought her dancing was, and
at one point, I even agreed to dance with her. She learned a little bit
more about herself in that moment and so did I. We both let loose.
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else is sleeping. I know some writers who like to stay up late at night
for the same reason. Sometimes, this means escaping to a placea
part of town, or another citywhere I can feel anonymous. Sometimes it means writing in a journal, instead of on my computer.
Sometimes it means putting in headphones and listening to music
that can transport me to another place.
Whatever it is, I have to find a way to get private with my writing (differentiation) so I can eventually take it to public (attachment) and hopefully connect in an authentic way to my reader
(transcendence).
And above all, I remind writers to be gentle with themselves
in the process. After all, theyre showing upjust them. Theyre
here. Theyre listening. Theyre wrestling. Theyre not trying to be
perfect. Theyre just letting go of control and speaking their heart
and trying to connect with their audience. None of this is easy.
None of it is clearly defined. None of it is perfectly safe or guaranteed to have a positive outcome.
But somewhere in the midst of the struggle and the mess,
theyre uncovering themselves and why they matter. Slowly but
surely, moments of transcendence are coming. What could possibly be better than that?
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8
Learning To Rest & Play
Most of us think work comes first, rest come second. Rest
is the reward for a job well done. But what if rest and
play are the starting place, rather than the ending place?
What if play is the place where we become.
When I finished writing Packing Light, I thought the hard
part was over. Id labored over the manuscript for more than a
yeardrafting, writing, editing, revising, more drafting. So when
it finally went to print, I breathed a big sigh of relief. I could finally
have my life back. The hard part was done. Now I could just coast
and watch the sales ranking go up on Amazon; lean back and wait
for all of the praise and affirmation to rush in.
Heres the funny thing I learned in the next few weeks:
launching a book doesnt work like this. In fact, if I wanted to sell
any copies of my book, I was going to have to keep writing articles,
keep creating ad copy, keep publishing blog posts, keeping taking
speaking engagements.
This wasnt the easy part of the process. It was the hard part.
This was crunch time. This was a time that could determine the
rest of my career as a writer. The only advantage I had over some86
well and explains how anytime we draw from the well, we have
to replenish it. If we dont, the well will run dry and no matter how
many times we reach our buckets down there to get some water,
well come up with nothing.
Thats how I have felt the past few monthslike Im reaching
down into a well and coming up with nothing.
The preventative measure, or in my case, cure, Cameron gives
for this is basically the equivalent of taking yourselfthe artist
part of youon a date. If you think about the artist in you (the
delicate, vulnerable, creative part of you) as separate from your
everyday selfand if you think about what you would do to really
honor and care for that part of yourselfif you were going to take
him or her on a date what would you do?
It took me a long time to get to the place where I could give
myself permission to take the time for an Artist Date. Every time
I would consider doing it, my mind would race with all the things
still left undone and all the people who were ahead of me and fears
how I would never make it if I didnt work harder and faster and
longer than them.
At some point, I had to come the realization that the opposite
was really true. Id never make it if I didnt take care of myself in
this way. When all is said and donewhen weve show up for ourselves and others, weve listened, weve fought the battle, weve
let go of control, weve allowed ourselves to be imperfect, weve
spoken up and connected with our audience, we discover what we
should have seen all along:
None of this would have been possible without what we
learned to do long before we learned what it took to be great writersto sleep, to eat, to explore, to notice, to touch, to taste, to feel,
to rest and to play.
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every once in a while Ill take myself to Whole Foods and just give
myself permission to smell, taste, touch, see and even listen.
Its not elaborate or expensive. Most of the time I dont even
buy anything. But its exactly what I need to wake up my senses, to
be gentle with myself, to give myself permission to feel something
again.
If were ever going to become ourselves, as people and as writersif were ever going to discover our voiceswe must give up the
idea that rest and play, wonder and exploration, entertainment
and adventure come after we work, that they are a reward for a job
well done. Instead, we must see them as a prerequisite, a foundation, the fuel we need to sustain ourselves and the raw material we
use to create what we are building.
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9
Learning To Hope
I used to be waiting for my big break, for that moment
I would feel like I had finally made it. Now I know
there is no such thing as a big break. The journey is the
reward.
If you would have asked me five years ago, I would have told
you the chances of me being able to write a book of my own somedaylet alone to publish it, let alone to share it with people beyond
just my family and friendswas pretty much slim to none. If it
were going to happen, I figured, it would have to happen like this:
I would just be minding my own business, writing on my tiny
blog like I always did. One day, one of my friends would read what
I had written and something about it would interest them. They
would share it on their Facebook page. Then, one of their friends
would read it and would happen to work for a publisher and they
would say to themselves, quietly, wow, this woman is totally brilliant! Immediately, they would take my brilliant blog post to
their publisher and say, we cant wait any longer. We have to contact this girl and give her a book deal.
Im fairly sure I imagined the CEO himself showing up on my
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blog, first of all, then I had to decide to put stuff on itreally, really bad stuff. Thank God a publisher didnt stumble upon it, and if
they did, no wonder they ignored it. I needed more time to mature
as a person and as a writer.
Then, at some point, I took an even bigger steplets call it a
leap. I didnt have any idea if I would ever be able to really make
it as a writer. I hadnt met any publishers. I hadnt had anyone tell
mebeyond my parents and my friendsthat I was good at writing. But at some point, I had to decide writing a book wasnt really
about impressing anyone else. It was about getting my story down
on paper. I had to decide the intrinsic rewards were more important than the external ones.
I had to decide that, even if it didnt make me any money, if
it never paid my bills, if I would never become famous or be wellknown, I still wanted to do it. I had to decide writing was worth everything.
So, I quit my full time job. You can write a book without quitting your full-time job, but for me quitting was symbolic. It was
my way of letting go of what was safe and comfortable to prove
writing this bookdiscovering myself and my unique voicewas
my first priority. I put my money, my time, my heart-energy and
my effort where my mouth was.
It wasnt all rainbows and unicorns after that. Not even close.
I struggled financially for years. I accepted food stamps. I took
public transportation. I sold most of what I owned and could still
barely pay my bills. My roommate and best friend at the time was
constantly and silently giving me money or clothes or groceries.
None of this happened like I thought it would; and on several occasions I wondered to myself if I was doing it wrong. But one of
the greatest skills I learned in those days was how to hope. I could
never be where I am as a writer or as a person without hope.
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People think of hope like this bright and shiny word, like
a word you use when you want to describe a time when all of the
pieces of the puzzle just sort of clicked together. But in my experience, hope is found mostly in dark, dingy timesnot bright and
shiny ones. The times when we need hope most are the times when
nothing makes sense, when the electricity is almost shut off and
when it seems like there is no possible way this will ever work.
The times we need hope most are the times when hope seems
the most ludicrous. Hope is this quiet assurance that no matter
how bad things get, were going to be okay.
Anne Lamott says, When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going
to do something amazing, He or She always starts with an impossibility. Hope, to me, is holding onto that.
Its really hard to keep hoping. Some days I feel ready to do it,
to keep showing up even when things dont turn out how I plan,
to stay faithful to my writing, even when I dont see the fruit of
my labor. Other days Im tired, or selfish, or I allow myself to collapse into the fear that my hard work isnt ever going to pay off.
There is nothing shiny or wonderful about this. Hope is horrible,
heart-wrenching, back-breaking work. But were going to have to
learn how to do it if were ever going to truly discover ourselves, if
were ever going to grow into our unique voices as writers.
If you feel lost in the woods, as a writer or as a person, hope is
the only way to the other side. If you feel like youre feeling around
in the dark, but you dont really know where youre going or who
you are, hope is like the tiny crack of light that leads you out. You
might squint when you see it. It might seem fairly unwelcome.
After all, your eyes have adjusted to the dark. But its your only
chance of survival.
Several years ago I somehow found myself running a mara94
thon. Its one of the stupider things Ive done in my life and to this
day Im not quite sure how it happened. It was one of those things
where you agree to one little thing at a time, just a series of small
tasks that dont seem like a big deal. Then, all of a sudden you find
yourself in over your head asking, Who agreed to this? How did
this happen? Thats how it happened with my marathon.
I started running to get in shape after graduate school. I had
spent too many nights sitting on my couch writing papers and
eating cookiesI dont need to remind you about the Thin Mints.
Plus, I was twenty-five, which Im convinced is the magic age when
your metabolism suddenly decides it wants to slow down, so I had
put on a good 40 pounds in just a little over a year. I wasnt exactly
feeling my best.
To make matters worse, I had booked a big hooray-for-finishing-graduate-school trip for myself to hike Machu Picchu in
Peru. A few friends of my guy friends had agreed to go with me
three of themand they were each in incredible shape. They were
the kind of guys who go hiking and rock climbing every weekend;
meanwhile I would get winded when I walked up the half-flight of
stairs to my apartment. I was going to have to get into shape if I
didnt want to get left behind in the middle of the Amazon.
So I decided to run a marathon to get in shape. I have no idea
how this idea calculated as a logical choice in my mind, but for
some reason it did. I looked up couch to marathon online and
found a training program and started following it. I lived in Northwest Portland at the time which is about 20 blocks up from the waterfront. So when I first started, I would run downhill to the river,
which was about a mile, and then walk back to my apartment. Id
be huffing and puffing when I got home and would reward myself
with chocolate milk.
Slowly over time I built up my mileage. I kept doing this for
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several months until I could finally run 10 miles without stopping. I felt like I was on top of the world. There was no way I was
getting left behind. I was a freaking Amazon woman.
Finally, the day of the marathon came and I was a nervous
wreck. I was running with my little sister, who is by far a better
runner than me. She was hopeful we would finish in four hours. I
was hopeful we would finish without dying.
For the first six miles of the race, I was having fun.
In fact, I was the eternal optimist, feeling like nothing could
possibly stop us now, talking and catching up with my sister and
explaining the strategies we should employ when we were tired
later on. We ran and ran and ran.
Twelve miles into the race I still felt pretty good. My family
showed up on the sidelines, we waved, and they cheered.
We can totally do this, I thought to myself.
See, now, you would think this was hopethat little bit of happy self-talk you give to yourself along the way when things are going pretty wellbut Im not so sure. At this point in the race, you
hardly need hope. Youre still thinking clearly and feeling pretty
good and relying on your own strength for everything.
Eighteen miles into the run, we ran up a huge hill, which
looked daunting from the bottom, but we coached each other up,
reminding ourselves to take one step at a time. At the top, we celebrated our accomplishment, but also, my legs were starting to
cramp. I was tired and out of breath.
This is the first moment in the race when I wondered if I was
going to be able finish. This was the first part of the race when
hope had to kick in. When my sense of certainty ran out, when I
couldnt fathom how my body was going to hold up, when I no longer had an explanation for how this was going to happenthese
are the moments when hope grows.
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not how it felt. It felt like all these thousands of people were throwing me a giant partyme personally. They werent, of course, but
that didnt matter. Because suddenly I realized this was going to
happen. I was going to finish.
If you had asked me a few miles prior to this, I would have told
you this was impossible. And to be honest, Im still not exactly
sure how it happened. But I just kept coaching myself through the
last .2 miles the way I had been through the first 26.
Take deep breaths... Youve got this... One step at a time...
When I finally crossed the finish line, I started crying. These
are the moments when hope is grown, when you have no idea how
what just happened, happened. When youre certain something
beyond you just carried you. When you have hundreds of steps
left to take, but youre only sure you can take one. Sometimes just
one step is enough.
This is the kind of hope we need to cultivate if were ever going to make it as people and as writers. Because if we think all
we have to do is take a risk, all we have to do is work harder than
everyone else, all we have to do is follow a list of instructions and
the reward will be handed us, were in for some disappointment.
Your big break is not coming. There is no such thing as a big break.
The journey is the reward.
There are no guarantees youll write a bestselling book or that
youll be famous or that a million people will care about what you
have written. But that doesnt matter. The reward is who you are
becoming.
The hardest part about me helping you become a better writer
is that I cant do the hoping for you. Youll have to learn to do that
yourself. I know that probably isnt what you want to hear. Youd
rather me say, just follow these 10 easy stepsthats right, only
10 STEPSand youll become the writer you never dreamed you
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could be. (Three months or your money back). But I dont have
any ultimatums or guarantees like that.
What I can do for you is what my sister did for me. I can remind you to breathe and to take it one step at a time. I can tell you
you have what it takes. I can even hand you a salt packet. I cant do
the work for you. I cant make you keep running, keep committing
words to paper. I cant give you guarantees. I can just tell you its
worth it.
I can tell you there is no feeling in world like crossing the finish line. There is nothing that compares to becoming yourself.
Something To Try: Just Keep At It
Becoming yourself is not a one-time event. Its not something
we achieve or accomplish in our lives, or a place where we arrive.
The more we can see this, acknowledge it, admit it, embrace itthe
more likely well be to keep hoping, to put one foot in front of the
other when we cant see the finish line, to do what it takes to make
it to the end.
This book is not a step-by-step process to finding your voice
as a writer. But my hope is, after you read these words, you will be
more aware of the journey you are on. My hope is you will have
more confidence in your ability to navigate this journey safely
and with intention.
There are days I want to quit. There are days I wonder if any of
this is worth it. There are days I worry Ill work and work and work
my whole life and it will be worth nothing. But Im also learning
to trust the process, to keep showing up, to keep listening, to keep
wrestling and being imperfect and letting go and reaching out for
moments of transcendence. Its not easy, but its worth it. Not because of how many books Ive sold. But because it is changing me.
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