About three years ago, the community of Independence decided that is was time to give a

revamp to one of its most valued childcare institutions: the public education buildings.
Thousands of parents and public citizens agreed that outdated gyms and decrepit libraries were
not holding the attention of students, thus making them skip school and find entertainment
elsewhere. Parents were outraged by the fact that their hard-earned taxes were wasted on a babysitting system that couldnt retain and supervise their children (some parents also expressed
concern about outdated learning accommodations and the effect of ancient technology on
modern education, but such left-wing babblings were quickly brushed aside). Something had to
be done. So the community of Independence did the American thing: they poured ungodly
amounts of money into the problem and hoped that would fix it.
But as the parents and faculty of Independence High School found out, new amenities
means running the risk of giving the children too much freedom. And as you know, the biggest
obstacle to raising moral, obedient, and right children is freedom. The biggest example of this
infringement on righteousness would be the use of the courtyard. The nerve of children! Eating
in the courtyard is wrong for many reasons, most of which are plain logicsomething that is
obviously lost on children of Satan and Lady Gaga like the present generation is.
First, the courtyard is not a play-toy. Everybody within the community knows that the
outcries of using the courtyard as a place to do homework and to work on group projects are
lies. Children dont do homework! If they did, then there would be no such thing as high school
drop outs, which would mean there is no such thing as recreational drugs. But since recreational
drugs exist, obviously, teenagers working on homework doesnt. But you know what does exist?
Teenage pregnancy. Everybody knows that more heathen, out-of-wedlock babies are made in the
grass than on any other surface! After all, no god-fearing, good parent would allow their child to
engage in any hanky-panky in their own house! The courtyard would be breeding grounds for

lusty, hormonal, and devil-worshipping children. Obviously, USD 446 is just protecting the
children from the emotional and financial burden of unwanted brats; Im sure you all know the
feeling.
Second, allowing the courtyard to be used only fulfills childrens sense of entitlement. In
our society, kids already believe they are the center of the universe. They think they have a right
to the things they receive; all of their iGadgets, their college educations, their shoes, toilet
paper These kids dont understand that it is a privilege, not a right! Allowing them to use the
courtyard only makes them think that by just asking, they can get what they want. If you spoil
them so, they will be on welfare before you know it.
Third, children do not understand the basic function of the courtyard. Much like
everything beautiful in life, the courtyard is only to look but not to touch. This idea that the
courtyard has practical use is a lie. The benches, trees, and sidewalks were only put in place to
give the appearance of a proper courtyard. If children were allowed to use it, they would only
disturb the tranquil and isolated balance of it all. They would vandalize the benches and tables;
spray paint the sidewalks with gang symbols; liter and not pick up their trash. They would even
rip up the grass and find a way to smoke it! Children cannot handle the responsibilities of
expensive utilities like that. That is why in my house, we keep our toilet in a glass case.
As you can see, USD 446 is totally within their rights to restrict the use of the courtyard.
Using the facility would result in teenage pregnancy, entitlement problems, and of course the
total destruction of the facility in question. From now on, any time anybody questions the
validity of spending thousands of dollars on something that is not being used, simply point out
these facts to them. I guarantee that they will be stunned into awestruck silence.