Mika Myllyaho

CHAOS
a play

2007

Translated by Nely Keinnen

This work has been translated with the financial assistance of
FILI Finnish Literature Exchange

The performance, copying, adaptation or translation of this play in part

or in full is expressly forbidden. It is also forbidden to lend out or sell
this text to any other person without permission. All rights must be
obtained from:
NORDIC DRAMA CORNER OY
Meritullinkatu 33 E, FIN 00170 Helsinki
tel. +358 9 251121 64, fax +358 9 25112165, e-mail:
office@dramacorner.fi

CHARACTERS
SOFIA
JULIA
EMMI

A grade-school teacher, married, two children.

A therapist. Emmi's sister.
A reporter. Julia's sister. One daughter.

The characters can be 30-45 years old.

Other characters: Principal, Sales Clerk, Sofia's husband Markus, a man from a cell
phone service, Julia's male patient, Emmi's husband Leo, a foreign woman, an editorin-chief, a schoolgirl named Tytti from 5C, judges 1 & 2.
Three women play all the roles. The play takes place in many different places,
covering about a six month period.
The play premiered at the Ryhmteatteri in Helsinki, Finland, on 16.02.2008, with the
following cast:
Sofia Elina Knihtil
Julia Minna Suuronen
Emmi Mari Perankoski
Directed by Mika Myllyaho
Sets by Eliisa Rintanen/Mika Myllyaho
Costumes by Anna Sinkkonen
Light Design by Antti Rehtijrvi
Music/Sound Design by Jussi Krkkinen

SCENE 1. SOFIA'S STORY BEGINS

SOFIA
(To the audience) My name is Sofia Lehto. Im a 36-year old elementary school
teacher and I have two children. A few years ago things started to go downhill in my
life. First my mother came down with a serious illness and then suddenly she was
gone, nothing left but a grave and a stone. Then the school where I work got a new
principal. Our car broke down. We found out our house had a problem with mold.
Markus, my husband, had to tear down all the interior walls and the kids were always
sick. I wasn't getting any sleep...
(Julia and Emmi in a caf)
These are my best friends. This is Julia, a psychotherapist. And this is Emmi, a
journalist, Julia's sister. I think it was around last November when I asked them to
meet me at the caf because I needed help.
SCENE 2. SOFIA DESCRIBES HER PROBLEMS AT THE CAF
(Caf)
JULIA
I mean, its made a really big impression on me...This new book by Naomi Klein,
Shock Doctrine, its incredible...I mean...(To Emmi) I think the power of the book is
that Klein sees the whole system, into the very heart of society... She somehow
captures its logic.....Just think, Emmi, it's exactly what I do at work, I'm trying to
solve the problematics of mental logic.
EMMI (The book is in Swedish.)
Well I don't see what's so incredible about it...Besides it's in Swedish...I don't
understand a word.
JULIA
Like in her last book she showed how Nike started to have their running shoes made
in the Phillipines.
EMMI
Everybody knew that already.
JULIA
Yeah, but No Logo gave it a human face.
EMMI
But did they stop making shoes there?
JULIA
Don't start confusing issues. Let others deal with it. And now in this new book she
brings out how in these kinds of shock situations somebody always gets rich. And
think, her whole family is full of activists.

EMMI
Our family is full of activists, too.
JULIA
How so?
EMMI
Well, what about that time in '86 you were hanging out in front of the old Grnholm
woman's fur store wearing a Palestinian scarf?
JULIA
Well, that wasnt exactly a successful attack
EMMI
Not exactly?
JULIA
Why do you always bring up the same example! Don't you have any other memories
of our childhood?
EMMI
Well that one just stands out.
JULIA
Yeah yeah...Its so frustrating to talk to you about social issues since you're so
immature.
SOFIA
Hey excuse me.
JULIA/EMMI
Uh...What?
SOFIA
I have to say this...you know, I am really hurt that I asked you guys to come here and
you aren't even interested in whats bothering me.
JULIA
Sorry...Well, lets hear it.
SOFIA
OK...The problem is that I've got a meeting at school today, and whenever I try to say
something which is really important to me at a teacher's meeting I immediately get all
choked up... And then there's this new principal...
JULIA
Sofia...If you're talking about something important and get all choked up, try to
identify exactly what youre feeling...
EMMI
4

...No, Sofia's problem is that she takes a backwards approach to these situations when
she should really tackle them head on. If you take a backwards approach, youve lost
the game before you ever open your mouth.
SOFIA
Yeah, you might be right, but pretty soon I've got to go and say something.
EMMI
I think you should consider very carefully what you want to say and then practice it.
JULIA
Yeah... this time Emmi's right. At least then you wouldn't be so afraid.
EMMI
What is it you want to say? Let's practice.
SOFIA
Well...The thing is, this new principal only talks about money and minimizing
expenses...She's not the least bit interested in the quality of teaching...Means nothing
to her. We teachers have been bending over backwards to make this school work but
now were stretched as far as we can go, we can't cut back on anything else...
JULIA
You see, that's it... This is exactly what Klein is talking about. It's precisely in these
kinds of shock situations where people make quick decisions, like about outsourcing,
firings...
SOFIA
Outsourcing! Thats the very word she used...Can you imagine it? What can it mean?
Pretty soon we're going to be buying remedial reading skills teaching from China
(Speaking with a mock-Chinese accent) Heeya da solution to ou pwoblems with
weading disowders...
JULIA
Hey, am I sensing a little racism here? And doesnt your school have quite a lot of
refugee children?
EMMI
Don't be so uptight...You need to be firm! You know how to say what you think, no
matter what they say. Oh no. I'm late. I gotta go get Siiri from Leo.
JULIA
Tell Siiri I said hi! Tell her I'll bring more of those books...
EMMI
Julia, the child is five and a half. She doesn't have to know how to read The Little
Prince or critiques of Bush. Donald Duck is just fine. I don't want her to become
some kind of a book worm, a four-eyes, an old maid like you...
JULIA
5

What did she say?

SOFIA
I didn't hear...Tell me again what I should do...
JULIA
Sorry...I really have to go too. I have a patient coming in 15 minutes. Here, read this
book.

SCENE 3. THE PRINCIPAL ANNOUNCES THE SCHOOL WILL BE CLOSED

SOFIA
(To the audience) Well, I didn't even have time to open my mouth in the teacher's
meeting when a shock tactic was put into effect.
PRINCIPAL [JULIA]
I have the unfortunate responsibility to pass on some bad news.
SOFIA
(To the audience) That's the new principal.
PRINCIPAL
Since we haven't managed to further cut our expenses and since our student body is
no bigger than it is, it may be necessary to close this school, and we will be absorbed
into a larger and better unit.
SOFIA (Holding back tears)
Excuse me, pardon me, we cant accept this...
PRINCIPAL
What did you say?
SOFIA
...That we cannot accept this...They cant squeeze us like this...I've got this book, an
excellent shock book, with a lot of similar examples...Where communities have risen
to protest these ridiculous decisions... Am, am I the only one here who thinks this?
PRINCIPAL
Yet despite the current situation, we will soon be celebrating this schools onehundredth anniversary. Given our vaunted history, I must request. . . that we not
discuss these plans to close the school at the celebration. There's no need to ruin the
party with these bad tidings...Ok, let's divvy up the roles for the pageant... Who wants
to play Agricola? Anybody feeling like a 16th century Bible translator?

SCENE 4: SOFIA SMACKS A MAN IN A CAF

SOFIA

(To the audience) After the meeting I walked to the door of my classroom and looked
in at my pupils through the crack in the door. But I couldn't go inside. Instead I
walked out of school and straight to the nearest caf.
SALES CLERK
Hello, how are we today... Would you like that with skim milk? Large or small? Dark
or light roast?... What kind of cup? Paper or glass? A white cup or a red cup? Would
you like Indian sugar or regular sugar?...
SOFIA
Ah...I don't know. Just give me something.
SALES CLERK
Here or to go? Do you want whole milk, dark roast, medium roast or regular...
SOFIA
(To the sales clerk) Stop it! (To the audience) How could there be so many questions
about one cup of coffee? (To the sales clerk) For here, glass, whole milk, no sugar,
dark roast, and make that a double. And one donut, for here and no plastic! Oh hang
on a minute...that's not what I want.
SALES CLERK
Would you fucking decide.
SOFIA
Uh... I'll have a bottled water.
SALES CLERK
Thank you.
SOFIA
(To the audience) I was feeling really weird, and at home things had also been pretty
tense. My husband Markus, who is rennovating the house because of the mold, had
been trying to suggest all manner of ridiculous things.
MARKUS
Sweetheart... Why don't you go to some yoga class or maybe body-pumping or
whatever that is...
SOFIA
Markus...That Astaga thing I'm taking is yoga...
MARKUS
Well what if I go to the Volvo dealer this afternoon and pick up the new car, maybe
that would cheer you up...
SOFIA
What are you talking about...We agreed we wouldn't buy a new car...
MARKUS
7

Sorry honey, but I can't hear anything since I'm wearing these ear protectors.
SALES CLERK
Here's your water.
SOFIA
Thank you. (To the audience) Well, then this perfectly ordinary office worker, a guy
working at one of those cell service providers, comes crashing into the caf.
MAN
One double latte for here, 2% milk.
SALES CLERK
I'm sorry, but we're out of 2%.
MAN
(Phone rings.) Thats no excuse. And listen, gimme a donut, put it on Visa. (On the
phone) Hello hello ...yeah hi...What's up, dude? Oh that receptionist? She's a
mouse...Get rid of her... But that other one is hot. Fabulous big ass... Ha ha...Don't
you think...
SOFIA
(To the audience) Usually it doesn't bother me if somebodys talking loudly on the
phone...
MAN
No, no, not at all, I just came to this caf and there's some trainee at work, yeah, ha
ha...trying to make her first latte... Oh shit, what a sight...
SOFIA
(To the audience) Usually I leave if I want to talk on the phone. I think it's much nicer
to speak privately.
MAN
Is this free? Thanks. Say what? Are they gonna fly everyones bikes to Cuba? You bet
I'm in. Intense. Hey GIRL, get the lead out of your ass, I dont have all day! Go make
that coffee... Yeah...No, the missus won't say anything about it. Fucking A, well roar
through Cuba. A man needs a hobby... Ha ha ha ha... (A big, loud laugh)
SOFIA
(To the audience) At this point something happened. (To the man) That laugh...Could
you give me that laugh again?
(The man laughs.)
MAN
HA HA HA HA...
SOFIA
Somehow it went straight through me and I went numb. I don't remember if I've ever
experienced anything like this before. That laugh made me feel like all our teaching
8

had already been shipped out to some third country... This led to the following chain
of events: I stood up and took the man's latte from the waitress. Let me help you, I
said...I don't know what I was thinking. Some version of myself walked towards that
man...Here's your latte, I said. But right when I was giving him the cup, I spilled the
coffee on his head... The rest was like a dream. The man gets up and starts to hit me.
His arm is still in the air, but hes standing on coffee and his leg slips out from under
him. At the same moment I cock a fist, close my eyes and punch him as hard as I
can...Then something sort of breaks. A little like cracking open an egg. Next I realize
there's blood everywhere, the man's white shirt has turned red. He starts shouting at
me like a madman and demands my name and phone number... Well... I gave them to
him and then went calmly back to my table... drank my water...And didn't think. A
little while later I called Julia and Emmi and asked them to come.

SCENE 5: SOFIA EXPLODES AT A DRIVER

(Emmi, Julia and Sofia at the caf)
JULIA
Hey...What the... Are you OK?
SOFIA
I didn't have the courage to call Markus.
JULIA
Did he threaten you? I mean the caf guy.
SOFIA
No... No.. Mainly he irritated me. Look at my hands, my hands... Look, my hands are
starting to tremble.
JULIA
Take it easy... It's over now.
EMMI
Uh... OK, OK... Start from the beginning... How did you hit him? Did you hit his
face?
SOFIA
Like straight...
JULIA
Why do you want to know that?
EMMI
We need to know what happened to the man. If you hit him straight on, you might
have broken his nose and it might turn out to be really expensive...
JULIA
Why do you always have to be so practical? Sofia is beside herself. Nobody is the
least bit interested in punching technique.
9

EMMI
Well why do you always have to be so empathetic?... The fact is, Sofia smacked
someone right in the face and cases of violence always go to court. On the plus side,
it's good the police never came. Well, they might still call you.
SOFIA
It wasn't me... It just happened...
JULIA
Emmi, what do you think we should do?
EMMI
We have to call the man... Weve got to negotiate this, make a deal... Otherwise I can
just see the headlines. Grammar school teacher mugs customer in caf... A typical
three day spread. The next day your tearful face on the cover: I hit a man in a caf.
And then finally either "Prison Portends," or "Shaking on a Deal or "See you in
court."
JULIA
Stop it, Emmi. How does that help?
SOFIA
Why the hell is that car stopping there? (Goes outside.)
JULIA
Sofia, I think you should go home now and rest, have you taken a look at that Klein
book?
SOFIA (Sofia behind the stage)
Hey... Excuse me lady... Excuse me, why are you parking right here...This is not a
street! Did you hear me!... This is intended for pedestrians. This is a sidewalk! (Gets
upset and starts shouting) And if you don't move this car right away, I'm going to kick
the shit out of it...You stinking Nazi! Goddamit, if you ever park your car here again
I'm going to fucking kill you!!!
(The car leaves. Sofia returns to the caf)
SOFIA
She had, uh, parked it in the wrong place...
EMMI
Good of you to inform her.
JULIA
Are you and Markus having problems? What's going on with you? I've never seen you
like this...
SOFIA (Cries.)

10

I don't know...That witch intends to close down the school. We have to do

something... Nobody is doing anything...
EMMI
Sofia, you know that's been happening everywhere, and it might very well be that
your school is next. That's the way the world is going. I'm sorry.
JULIA
But the world isn't just going on by itself... You can always try.
EMMI
Try? Then you have to do something and not just try.
SOFIA (Cries.)
Well I'm going to do something. I'm going to fight for our school until the bitter end.
EMMI
Excellent! What's your strategy?
SOFIA
Strategy? Well I have lots of thoughts and ideas...
EMMI
Look at yourself. Nobody is going to pay any attention to you if you go in there
blubbering. Thats rule #1.
JULIA
Emmi, stop it! Maybe we can help somehow... I mean really... Emmi, you think so?
EMMI
Of course. I was just trying to say nicely that you can't go there if you're still crying...
(Emmi leaves.)

SCENE 6: THE PRINCIPAL SUSPENDS SOFIA

(The principal's office)
SOFIA (To the audience.)
In no time at all I was sitting in the principals office. She had gotten a phone call
from the police.
PRINCIPAL
You left school in the middle of the day, leaving your pupils alone in the classroom.
SOFIA
Im sorry.
PRINCIPAL
Whats going on? You hit the father of Paulus in 3C.
11

SOFIA
I am truly very sorry.
PRINCIPAL
Given the current situation! Do you have any idea what kind of PR this is for the
school?
SOFIA
(To the audience) She tells me that the governing board is going to have to seriously
consider my position. That its going to be very difficult to prevent them from firing
me.
PRINCIPAL
So this is what well do... Its in everybodys best interest that this issue remains a
private matter among the teaching staff... You know, I have to ask whether this
communication problem between us is because I was appointed principal and not you.
You applied for this job, didnt you?
SOFIA (Crying. )
Yeah... I applied...
PRINCIPAL
So this is what well do...You go home. Im granting you two months leave of
absence effective immediately... A nice and neat way of taking care of this caf
episode.
SOFIA
What about the party? Can I still give a speech at the one-hundredth anniversary,
seeing as theres going to be a lot of my mothers old colleagues and students...
PRINCIPAL
Good heavens... Look at yourself...Well, OK... Give your speech....But remember, not
a word about being shut down! Are we on the same page?!
SOFIA
(To the audience) She left me sitting alone in her office. Im supposed to stay home
for two months. On the wall there was a picture of the Finnish president, along with a
row of all the former principals, staring sternly down at me. One of them was my
mother.

SCENE 7: JULIAS STORY BEGINS

(At Julias office)
JULIA
(To the audience) My story begins last December, when I got a new patient, a man,
who was having problems in his relationship. They had two kids. He was suffering
from some kind of generalized anxiety disorder. I realized that his problem was that
he was split into two strong personalities. One side was extremely timid, insecure,
12

unable to make any decisions, while the other side was commanding and exhilarating,
a great conversationalist. I tried to make contact with his fearful side, to try very
gingerly to understand it...
JULIA
If you think about just being...Not doing anything, what feeling is there at the very
bottom?
FEARFUL MAN
Thats an awkward question. Im sure at heart its fear, but I cant describe it any
further or say what it is Im afraid of...
JULIA
Yeah. OK, what if, what happens when youre not doing anything...when you just
are...Are you able to just be...
FEARFUL MAN
I dont know...Yes thats really hard for me. I always have the feeling that my brain is
boiling over.
JULIA
(To the audience) And then his other side gracefully evaded the question...
FIERY MAN
Yeah, could be. Could be...You know this movie, what is it, Fight Club? Have you
seen it?
FEARFUL MAN
I guess in the final analysis Im afraid of my emotions...
FIERY MAN
...Hey! Hey! You be quiet. Right, Fight Club. Its got Brad Pitt...Its incredible...
JULIA
Yeah...
FIERY MAN
Whod you see it with?
JULIA
By myself. That was ten years ago.
FIERY MAN
Well you should have called me.
JULIA
(To the audience) It was probably at that moment... I began to forget the fearful side
and my efforts to draw it out...Another reason, maybe the real one, was that that side
began to irritate me. I wasnt getting anywhere with it...Of course I was rather tired
back then, I had way too many patients...
13

FIERY MAN
The main idea in the movie is that the men start beating each other up in order to feel
something. Are you with me?...
JULIA
(To the audience) And here you can see how men hit on women. The man tells funny
stories and if they please the woman the cats in the bag.
(Julia laughs. )
FIERY MAN
Well, I know youre going to start interpreting me when I tell you how I felt after that
movie... OK... The most important thing in the whole movie was that the men were
somehow free to process their own inner hate and their natural competitiveness,
honed through eons of evolution. With me? And these men change completely, they
become alive. And whenever theyve been fighting, the next day everything goes well
at work and theyre in command of themselves.
(The FEARFUL MAN leaves. )
JULIA
At this point the one half disappeared completely. And the other was full of energy.
FIERY MAN
And when I was on my way home, on that little lane right before our house, I started
to kick in traffic signs and punch walls and this is totally embarrassing to admit, but it
felt really good. Am I really crazy? Are you going to pump me full of pills? Excuse
me... I must sound a little childish, since I get all excited about these movies. But
since my work has always been mostly just drawing houses, movies have always been
a kind of escapism, a way out of the real world.
JULIA
(To the audience) I still dont know if I completely misdiagnosed him...If I tried to
find something which wasnt even there.
FIERY MAN
Does that kind of therapy like they have in the movie really exist, where people hug
each other?
JULIA
(To the audience) I said that there probably is in America, but in the European context
it would feel rather strange. (To the man ) Yeah, uh, theres probably some kind of
group therapy where that kind of thing is done.
FIERY MAN
You know since...I would like to hug you right now.
(Silence )

14

JULIA
My heart stopped. I said. (To the man ) Yeah sure...of course we can hug if you want.
(Julia and the man hug. For too long. )
JULIA
I didnt mean to hug him for so long, it just happened. And it felt really good. I dont
know how long we were like that. Maybe a few seconds, maybe a minute. But
something happened... Time disappeared... Life disappeared... Our hearts just beat...
The same rhythm... They must have somehow gotten synchronized...
JULIA
Excuse me...
FIERY MAN
Excuse me... Im sorry...
JULIA
No big deal, see you next week then.
FIERY MAN (Embarrassed )
...Yep...
JULIA
(To the audience) At that moment I knew I couldnt continue therapy with this man
because too many feelings had come between us...But I only held out for two days.
Then I sneaked into the patient files and got all his contact information, but I didnt
know what would be a safe way to contact him. We had a therapist-client relationship.
But then suddenly Emmi showed up at my office.

SCENE 8: JULIA AND EMMI. MUTUAL HELP

(Emmi comes into Julias office )
EMMI
Hi! Sorry to bother you, but can you spare a moment from your crazies? Is there an
axe murderer hiding under the sofa?
JULIA
Emmi stop it.
EMMI (Theres a picture of the human brain on the wall )
Holy shit... What is that?
JULIA
The brain. What do you want?
EMMI

15

The thing is... Ive been offered this absolutely fabulous story. It would mean a threeday gig in Denmark...And after that I might get more work from this magazine. My
problem is that Leo is on a work trip and mom doesnt have time. So gimme a straight
answer to a straight question. Can you take Siiri... Max three... Maybe four, five
days...
JULIA
What about Dad?
EMMI
Golfing in Malaga...
JULIA
I see... Once again nobody told me.
EMMI
Well, when was the last time you saw him?
JULIA
Dont remember. Yeah I can take Siiri.
EMMI
Thanks a million, I owe you big time.
JULIA
Is there something else?
EMMI
What about the prescription. Did you get it?
JULIA
Yeah, I got it... But you do understand I cant be doing this.
EMMI
Of course I understand, which is why I love you so much. But I gotta go now.
JULIA
Hey, if youre having problems with Leo you should at least try to talk about them.
Go on a trip somewhere, Ill take care of Siiri.
EMMI
Yeah yeah.
JULIA
Now listen closely...Thesell last six months. Start with half a tablet, gradually work
up and no alcohol whatsover.
EMMI
Come on...I dont even drink and besides Ive got so much work that I dont have any
time to party... But I gotta go now...
16

JULIA
Uh... Hey Emmi, can you come back! I want to ask you something...Can you help me
with one thing.
EMMI
Of course...
JULIA
This is a little embarrassing... But... I want to see a patient but Im too afraid to call
him because we have a therapist-client relationship and if it came out...
EMMI
Are you in love with him? Dont you get it, hes your patient.
JULIA
Of course I get it, this is where we met.
EMMI
Does he have a family?
JULIA
Yes.
EMMI
Hang on! You cant go messing up his life. Youve got to deal with this. Who are you
trying to kid... Surely you know what love is! It doesnt last. Look at me. Where is
love? When I was twenty I thought... Glorious man, glorious love, gotta get married
right away... What happened... Where did it go...Wheres the love I thought I would
share with Leo my entire life?
JULIA
Were not talking about you. What if hes the love of my life? What if right now on
offer is that dream, that happiness? What if I never get another chance and Im stuck
my entire life listening to stories about other peoples loves and other peoples lives
and I shrink up like an old prune? Shouldnt I have the courage to live! Thats what
youre always going on about!
EMMI
Think about what life would be like with him. In a year, the day to day. You know
this... And besides, hes mentally ill! Hes in therapy.
JULIA
Just as mentally ill as you!
EMMI
And what if you have a child with him.
JULIA
You have a child. Youre always saying its the best thing that ever happened to you.
17

EMMI
But thats just what you say to people who dont have children!
JULIA
Well... Will you do it? Please... Promise me... Meet him, talk to him. Its the safest,
its the only way.
EMMI (Julia holds onto Emmis leg )
This is so ridiculous... Let go of my leg. This is really childish. Now get up...
JULIA
Please please please You cant deny me this opportunity. And besides, Im helping
you.
EMMI
This is blackmail. Youre not giving up til you get your way.
JULIA
No.
EMMI
Well alright then. But you have to be really careful.
SCENE 9: EMMIS STORY BEGINS. EMMI HITS A WOMAN WHILE ON A
CRUISE
EMMI
(To the audience) My story more or less begins here, when Julia gave me a hand
dealing with my rather hectic life. Around the same time Leo and I decided to go on
one of those Relationship Repair Kit Cruises. Sofia had promised to take care of Siiri,
so we dropped her off there. Everything felt good. We were really having a good time.
Talked a lot. We realized that after all we get along well and that we had a lot of
things worth fighting for.
(Leo brings a drink. )
LEO
Emmi, pumpkin... Here you go... My angel...
EMMI
I dont know if it all happened because I got drunk or because Leo got drunk.
Anyway, Leo began acting really strange and started talking as if he was someone
else. He began to repeat things wed already talked about, like he was on his own
show.
(Leo speaks into a microphone )
LEO

18

Emmi, sweetheart... This was a great idea. Here we are on the loveboat, two love
birds. The first thing I gotta do... is ask your forgiveness. I admit my last design
project was unnecessarily large... It took too much time from the family...
EMMI
Uh huh...
LEO
Next summer lets take the whole family and go hiking in Norway. I want to show
you and Siiri the reindeer...Youre so beautiful today. Im so happy that youre mine...
Weve been together so fucking long! Small question. How long has it been since we
met?
EMMI
About 15 years.
LEO
Thats right, 12 years! Do you want more wine? Ill get it... Wait here... Ill be right
back... In the evening well eat at the captains table. And baby... Tonight Ill take
care of you in the cabin.
EMMI
(To the audience) I stayed at our table and Leo disappeared in the direction of the bar.
Time went by and he didnt come back. When I turned to look at the bar I saw Leo
explaining something to a foreign woman.
(Leo is flirting with a woman, they laugh )
LEO
Do you really like it? I like too... I think it is best band that ever has been!1
WOMAN
Yeah... best song is Under the bridge.
LEO
Really...
WOMAN
Me too... You look like a little bit this Anthony Kidis... Don't you?
EMMI
(To the audience.) At first I thought it was nothing, that people talk to each other on
cruise ships, especially if they're a little drunk. But slowly I realized that he had really
and truly forgotten about me at the table. I was really hurt. And when I turned back to
look again, he was kissing her.
EMMI
What the fuck are you doing, Leo!
1

This and the following speeches are in English in the original.

19

EMMI
(To the audience.) It felt like an electric shock went through my head, leaving me
with searing pain, like spikes being driven into my scalp. My body felt like a rock, my
blood congealed. I looked at Leo and that woman. The woman tried to say she was
sorry but Leo had this drunken smirk on his face. Suddenly the woman began to
laugh. This led to the following chain of events. I walked over to the woman. I ripped
the shoulder strap of her dress. I grabbed her hair. I banged her head against the glass
table. I kept repeating this motion until the glass broke. I got a huge fine and I'm still
paying for the operation which had to be done on the woman's face. After that I went
back to my table and calmly finished off my Blue Angel. Leo filed for divorce a
month later.

SCENE 10: EMMI RESEARCHES THE EFFECTS OF MEDICATION

(Sofia's home.)
EMMI
I hope it's OK with Markus that we're here again.
SOFIA
Yeah yeah of course. He took the kids swimming. What with this rennovation
everythings upside down. Even the sauna isn't working...
(She leaves.)
EMMI
How come you didn't tell me this might happen?
JULIA
Don't you remember, I told you not to drink any alcohol.
EMMI
Well has it occured to you that what I did to that woman could have been caused by
the drug?
JULIA
Well yeah... Not really... You are pretty hot-headed...
EMMI
But you just said it might have affected my reaction. I guess this kind of thing has
happened before. Have you ever heard?
JULIA
Well yeah... Maybe something...
EMMI
There must be other cases besides me. Why won't you tell me!
JULIA
20

I can't! Im not allowed. That's confidential information.

EMMI
But dont you get it, I beat up a woman, she could have died, and it might have been
caused by that drug you gave me.
JULIA
Stop it... It wasn't caused solely by the medication.
(Sofia returns carrying some papers.)
SOFIA
Listen Emmi, jumpmaster is two words
EMMI
Sofia, it's really nice of you to proofread my story since I'm in such a hurry...
SOFIA
I can't believe how many spelling mistakes you make... Didn't you ever get extra help
with reading? You leave out letters...
EMMI
Hey Im 36 years old... Ive already sat through my share of grammar classes!
SOFIA
These things are really important...
EMMI
OK OK. I'm sorry. Good thing you know all that stuff... Uh, can Siiri stay here
another night? I need to finish that story.
SOFIA
Yes of course she can. But Im giving this a C+, too many mistakes.
EMMI
Did you hear that? She's grading me! Get that woman back to work immediately!
SOFIA
This is freaky. I can't believe you've actually done a tandem jump with a parachute. I
can't imagine jumping out of a plane with Markus.
EMMI
But you don't jump with your own husband, but with a decent and safe man, with a
jump master, who escorts you safely to the ground and won't let you be buffeted by
winds over to Estonia or something. Of course it costs.
JULIA
Should I try it? It sounds so nice. Escorts you safely to the ground.
EMMI
21

Money buys safety.

SOFIA
"The master gives me a hug when we part. His 'eyelushes' (Looks at Emmi) curl
deliciously upwards. The man turns, looking forward to new adventures." What is
this?
EMMI
It's for a woman's magazine. I had to add something which sells. In fact the guy was
an incredible dork who doesn't have a life apart from parachuting... That's all he ever
does.
SOFIA
Oh by the way... Leo called.
EMMI
Why would that Neanderthal call here?
SOFIA
He asked whether Siiri is here.
EMMI
What did you tell him?
SOFIA
I said youd be picking her up pretty soon...
EMMI
You have to be really careful what you say to him. I'm afraid he's going to try to get
sole custody because of my "brush with violence." Julia, that's why I need to know
about the connection between my medication and alcohol. It would prove that I
wasnt responsible for my actions. So come on, have there been previous cases?
SOFIA
(Starts to lose her cool.) JESUS CHRIST! Tell her what you know! Have there been
or not! YES OR NO... It can't be that difficult!
(Pause.)
JULIA
Sorry but... Why are you getting so riled up? This is Emmis thing...
EMMI
You dont need to lose it... Dont worry, Julia will tell...
JULIA
Yes of course... What's wrong now? Are you pregnant?
SOFIA

22

Well... Theres the party at school and I'm suposed to give that speech... But... I've
tried to write it... I try and try and all I've written is Good Afternoon... GOOD
AFTERNOON... And all I can think is that they're going to close the school... Well...
Maybe I won't give it... Ill call her and tell her... She'll be very pleased
JULIA
No way. Of course you're going to give it. You cant hide away taking care of Siiri
and proofreading Emmi. Youve been wallowing in self-pity about the caf episode
long enough. Now you have the opportunity to give a speech showing how valuable
the school is, expressing your ideals about teaching, and arguing what must be done in
order to achieve those ideals.
EMMI
Of course you'll give the speech. We'll help you. You just have to disguise the stuff
about being closed down. The world is full of speeches which say one thing but mean
another. Let's go dig through your closet. Put on something snazzy, otherwise you'll
blend into the auditorium curtains. To say nothing of the chalk board. Dont you even
own anything that isn't beige?

SCENE 11: JULIA AND MAN GO TO THE MOVIES

JULIA
(To the audience.) Emmi had no problem arranging for me to meet the man. Taxi
Driver with Robert DeNiro was playing at the film archive and we agreed to meet in
front of the theater. I think I saw his two sides again and it frightened me a little. But
then the one disappeared and he was self-assured.
FIERY MAN
Is everything OK?
JULIA
Yeah, but this does feel a little strange.
FIERY MAN
But hey, cool that you sent a message. You look great. I already got the tickets.
JULIA
(To the audience.) After the movie we ended up at a caf.
FIERY MAN
It's awesome... I've probably seen Taxi Driver a hundred times. It's so amazing how it
depicts loneliness through the taxi driver's work.
FEARFUL MAN
Are you ever lonely?
JULIA
Yes, of course... well not really lonely, that's not what I meant.

23

(To the audience.) I stuck my foot in my mouth up to my ankle, I tried to fix it... (To
the man) I read a lot and go for walks...
FIERY MAN (To the FEARFUL MAN)
Are you talking to me!?2
JULIA
What?
FIERY MAN (To the FEARFUL MAN)
Are you talking to me? Well, I don't see anyone else here. So who the fuck do you
think youre talking to!
(The FEARFUL MAN leaves.)
JULIA
Of course I'm talking to you. Who else?
FIERY MAN
Hey... Take it easy... A joke, a joke... I'm right here...
JULIA
I'm sorry... I just thought...
FIERY MAN
It's so amazing how a guy can stand up like that against the mafia... A bit like how
you as a therapist fight against bad feelings and anxiety.
JULIA
Thanks... Of course the final scene is pretty violent.
FIERY MAN
Yeah, but you know, the way it's done, the viewer feels like the violence is somehow
justified. They identify with the guy's mission. It's his personal war and then he comes
back and drives a taxi... Are you with me?
JULIA
(To the audience) I think violence is never justified, but the way he said it, I somehow
accepted it. (To the man) Yeah, course, it's nice... The weapon... How it comes out of
his sleeve...
FIERY MAN
It's a great scene. You see he's taped a track into his sleeve, so the gun just slides out
like this... like this... (Demonstrates) It comes out a little like the way you came into
my life... I think I'm gonna get something like that... So you could whip out your cell
phone... (Demonstrates) Beep beep. Hello Julia, it's me... You know, it's really nice
being with you...

This and the next speech are in English in the original.

24

JULIA
(To the audience) And then I lost it. (To the man) I have to ask... What did you think
of the child soldiers? What would you say if one of your children had to go to war?
(To the audience) And then I saw the same uncertainty. I pushed too hard...
FEARFUL MAN
I don't know... Terrible thought...
FIERY MAN
But thank god nothing like that will ever happen!... I mean here in Finland. I'm
probably so goddammed permeated by western culture that I just don't feel anything
when I see the pictures on television. I'm sorry. Really sad...
JULIA
(To the audience) Then I confessed that I have feelings for him. And then finally I
said...(To the man) You want to come to my place and fuck? (To the audience) I didn't
really say it like that.
FIERY MAN
But that's what we did...
JULIA
And that's what we did! For two weeks we met almost every day and night. But then
one afternoon I began to feel bad about the whole thing and to understand how stupid
it was. I was writing him a text message: I can't see you anymore. I'm sorry. But I
never sent it. I sent another message instead. I love you! I must have you all to
myself.

SCENE 12: PLANNING SOFIA'S SPEECH IN AN INTERNET BAR. EMMI AND

JULIA ARGUE
JULIA
Emmi... Here are some cases for you, but you've got to promise me they won't get out.
Are you listening? This is important! You can't leave these laying around on some
table. Or that's the end of my career. And here's some information on how antidepressants work.
EMMI
These are really terrible. A man broke his hand banging it against a wall, a woman
kicked her neighbor's dog to death... I'm sorry, Julia, but I don't quite understand what
this serotonin is needed for anyway.
JULIA
I've already explained it to you a hundred times... OK...Here's Sofia's head and inside
all kinds of things are happening since she's trying to write her speech. There's
neurons, and these nerve impulses are jumping between them. Think of it like the
telephone network of a large city.
SOFIA
25

Oh... Don't poke like that... it's frightening...

JULIA
So now they're bringing forth unpleasant feelings... Since these impulses are moving
between neurons, they need a neurotransmitter, serotonin. And if you don't have
enough of it, it can cause depression.
SOFIA
Hey this is great, I can use this example in my presentation and say that the principal
left the neurotransmitters at home.
EMMI
Don't confuse things. So how does alcohol get involved in this?
JULIA
Sorry I don't know the exact chemical reaction, except it's not good if both are in your
brain at the same time.
SOFIA
So what's going on inside your brain... Have you already been to the movie-man's
home?
JULIA
Oh, I see Emmi's been gossiping.
SOFIA
That's the next step. You have to take it. Along with the family comes a new network.
JULIA
Family. You mean his family. Suddenly I'll have a double freezer, two kids, a
parakeet, a guinea pig and a stacked washer-dryer. Without having to wait for nine
months.
SOFIA
Who cares about that. You've got an opportunity to get a whole new life. A very full
life. What have you got now? Alone at home in the evenings. Movies on DVD, books,
easy home cooking? When your life could be full of sounds and screaming and the
padding of small feet. And standard sex, twice a week.
EMMI
And what exactly is standard sex?
SOFIA
Basic fuck, 5-10 minutes. From three different directions, capped by a kiss.
JULIA
That doesn't sound very erotic.
SOFIA

26

But that's just standard sex. Then there's renovation sex, vacation sex, closet sex, sofa
sex...
EMMI
Cruise ship sex, lake cottage sex...
SOFIA
Saturday sex, car sex, sex at the grandparents' house...
EMMI
Here's a good one... library sex. Did you say sex at the grandparents' house?
Disgusting...
SOFIA
No it's not. And besides, there's no such things as library sex.
EMMI
Yes there is... In the CD room.
JULIA
I don't want to hear this shit... Stop it... My unconscious is being destroyed... And I
don't believe that you two have had sex in so many places. Unfortunately no man has
that kind of imagination...
SOFIA
But this isn't about...
SOFIA and EMMI
...What a man wants.
JULIA
Alright, but why don't you stick to finding facts which will help save the school.
SOFIA
I'm not finding anything useful here...
JULIA
I think this is a clear example of Kleinian shock capitalism.
EMMI
Thank you, Julia. The important thing is to mention that the schools going to be
closed.
JULIA
But don't you see how they're related... This is exactly how the principal is operating.
Drawing attention to something else... Celebrate the school, and close it down at the
same time!
SOFIA
I've been expressly forbidden to talk about the school being closed down.
27

EMMI
You can get around it by telling a parable.
SOFIA
Like Jesus?
EMMI
Yes like Jesus. A parable about the school. School is like...
SOFIA
A sanctuary.
EMMI
Very... bad. Can you think of anything else?
SOFIA
Argh... Our library... CD-room... Public Health Center?
EMMI
Argh... How about factory... School is like... A Store... Store is good.
JULIA
Yeah store is good. A brave choice, alludes directly to globalization.
EMMI
No. That's not the least bit brave. I really don't understand how you can go on and on
about the same thing. Don't you see that you're just massaging your own bad
conscience with all this bullshit about globalization. And yet you take full advantage
of all the benefits of living in the West.
JULIA
How can you say that?
EMMI
I'm sorry but it's the truth. Just like our parents. They're always going on about
viva.... viva....
JULIA
Alright... And if Emmi would now please say the president's name...
EMMI
Whoever it was...Salvador Allende!
JULIA (Corrects her pronunciation)
AYENDE...
EMMI
And look what they're doing now...Dad's a stockbroker... The exact same thing will
happen to us. In fact its already happened.
28

JULIA
How can you be so cynical? I'm sure they were quite sincere, at least back then.
EMMI
Argh... Here you go dragging feelings back into the conversation. I think its great
that they've experienced genuine emotions!
JULIA
And here you are, playing the rational card. You speak bravely and knowledgably
about everything, and yet you write delicious eyelash shit for women's magazines.
What happened to your ideals, your bravery?
EMMI (Getting angry)
OK, so what's so brave about your life? That you fall in love with a patient? Is that
how you manifest your civic virtue? You have the courage to fuck a patient. Is that
bravery? And now you're too fucking afraid to go to his house because you're afraid
you'll be contaminated with the smell of children! Help, there's family values all over
the floor...
JULIA
And was it rational when you banged that woman's head against a glass table?
(Silence)
SOFIA
Um... I would like to work in a small store where they sell everything, from
firecrackers to tomatoes, where the service is so good that when customers walk
through the door they feel instantly welcome. I would work at the bread counter and
at the end ring up the purchases. And maybe the products wouldn't always be the best
or the cheapest or the freshest, but at least I would know all of my customers by
name. There would be a back room, where people could drink coffee, look outside
and watch the changing seasons, and maybe my children could do their work practice
there. Just like I went to work at the school where my mother worked. At a place like
that you'd know that people came first, not the products being sold.
JULIA
Very good. That was very good!
EMMI
Just like that... The point of view of a small person on a large issue.
JULIA
Remember we'll be there.
EMMI
Or at least I'll be there. Dont attack anyone... And don't start squealing.
SOFIA
Of course I won't. Well... Did I squeal just now?
29

EMMI
Not at all... Much...

SCENE 13: EMMI STARTS TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT THE CROSSEFFECTS OF ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND ALCOHOL. EMMI GOES TO A
LECTURE
EMMI
(To the audience) I was really affected by the fight with Julia. She was probably right,
at least about some things. I have to admit that. I decided to write an article about the
effects on human behavior of mixing anti-depressants and alcohol. I contacted a
journal where a friend from college was editor. She gave me the green light, so I
headed off to the university to do some background research.
(Brain researcher enters)
BRAIN RESEARCHER
OK. Welcome to this lecture on depression research. We are going to tell you about a
significant experiment done in the 1950s. Here we have a chair, connected to a small
electric current. Soon a subject will enter, behind that glass. She won't see us, but we
can see her. OK. Let's invite in a well-balanced person. Would the well-balanced
person come in please...
(A well-balanced person enters the testing room and sits on the chair)
BRAIN RESEARCHER
OK, let's start giving the stimulus to provoke the subject... Like that... And now more
current...
(The well-balanced person can feel the electric shock, gets up off the chair, kicks it
and walks out of the room.)
BRAIN RESEARCHER
OK, so that's how a well-balanced person reacts, she is provoked and begins to look
for a solution and once she finds one she leaves the scene... OK, now let's call in a
depressed subject... Would the depressed person please come in... That's it, come right
in...
(The depressed person enters the testing room and sits on the chair)
BRAIN RESEARCHER
That's it, on the chair... Now let's start provoking this subject... And now some more...
(The depressed person writhes in pain on the chair due to the electric current )
BRAIN RESEARCHER
OK thank you, I think this is enough... Here we can clearly see how a depressed
person operates. She closes in on herself, is unable to function, cannot find a solution.
30

This is a pessimistic reaction... OK, thank you depressed person... You can get up
now... Quickly now depressed person... OK, are there any questions?
EMMI
Excuse me, I would like to get an expert opinion on one thing... Nowadays depressed
people are often treated with medication, so what happens if this depressed individual
at the same time accidentally drinks a whole bottle of vodka?
BRAIN RESEARCHER
Well, if we're talking about the case we just saw, it would be the same as increasing
the current.
EMMI
In other words dangerous.
BRAIN RESEARCHER
Well yes one could say electricity is dangerous.
EMMI
Yes of course... But if that's the case, is it possible to prove what happens?
(Sits on the chair and gets an electric shock)
EMMI
Ow, that just zapped my butt. It was real. I thought it was just a fake demonstration...
BRAIN RESEARCHER
Well, sometimes when discussing this issue I use the following playful analogy: the
situation is the same as if there would be one plane landing and another plane taking
off on the same runway. The end result is not particularly desirable.
EMMI
Thank you, this is what I needed. (To the audience) I was satisfied. This was a hot
topic and I decided how I would write about it. I would use myself as a case study. In
the best case, this would prove that I was not responsible for my actions. The editor
would kick himself for not thinking of it first.

SCENE 14: EMMI OFFERS THE STORY TO THE JOURNAL AND GOES TO
THE DOCTOR
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Well of course it's brave of you to use yourself as the point of view character.
Although that's been done a lot on the gonzo side... Of course the problem then
becomes your subjectivity, since you're telling about yourself. But if you could find
comparable cases about combining drugs and alcohol...
EMMI
Absolutely.

31

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
...then it would be more generalizable, there'd be enough proof. And maybe it would
be good to get actual facts about their use, and their availability.
EMMI
Yeah that's a good angle! (To the audience) So then I went straight to the Public
Health Center and decided to test how easy it would be to get the right medication.
After waiting in line I went in, and was met by a doctor staring into a computer
screen.
DOCTOR
So what's the matter with you?
EMMI
(To the audience) I acted like I was unwell and mumbled something about my
problems. Well I've been really tired and I've been in a bad mood...
DOCTOR
Have you ever felt like this before?
EMMI
(To the audience) The doctor hadn't even looked at me... I began to get angry. (To the
doctor, angrily) Yes I've been tired. And I don't know what to do since I've got a lot
of work I need to finish. I could really use some medicine, to give me the energy to do
it all!
DOCTOR
Alright, try to calm down a little. (Touches Emmi)... In fact, oh my, you do look rather
tired. Do sit down and let's try to think what we can do.
EMMI
(To the audience) Suddenly she looked at me and that touch. Somewhere deep inside
a plug burst and I started to cry... To really cry...
DOCTOR
There, there. I'm really sorry, but right now it's hard to get an appointment with a
national health care therapist. But I could write you a referral... It might take a couple
of months. But what else could we do? Of course I could write you a prescription for
three months of anti-depressants. The one I have in mind has been well-tolerated, you
shouldn't have any side-effects. It might make it a bit harder to achieve orgasm...
EMMI
No problem.
DOCTOR
But thats really all I can do now. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to pull yourself
together, it's almost spring.
EMMI

32

(To the audience) I finished the story and sent it on and was quickly called into the
editor's office.

SCENE 15: THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SHELVES EMMI'S STORY

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
I'm sorry but we've got a problem.
EMMI
What?
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
We can't publish this story.
EMMI
(To the audience) She started to explain that thered been a turn of events, something
about some other story which had suddenly taken precedence over this one.
EMMI
But this is an important topic. Don't you get it!
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Yeah but so are human rights... And your story has been pushed aside so we can
publish a story on someone being stoned to death. I'm very sorry. You can keep your
advance.
EMMI
(To the audience) I couldn't believe it. Something had happened but she didn't have
the balls to tell me. She said something about economic cycles and how
pharmaceuticals were big advertisers...
EMMI
I cannot believe you've sold out. While we were at university you were always going
on and on about morals and ethics, about your ideals! I am totally disappointed in
you.
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Emmi, would you please not be so naive... You know, Emmi, how things are done
these days...
EMMI
No, I don't know how things are done these days. But I'm sure you'd be happy to tell
me how things are done these days. (To the audience) Then there was an
uncomfortable silence. (To the editor-in-chief) You know what, I think theres been
another turn of events where you go eat shit.
EMMI

33

(To the audience) Then I went to the coffee room, feeling totally empty. I suddenly
remembered that I was late both for picking up Siiri at the daycare center and for
Sofia's celebration. I drove through town as fast as I could.

SCENE 16: EMMI IS LATE AT THE DAYCARE CENTER

DAY CARE WORKERS
The daycare is closed.
EMMI
(To the audience) I tried to be friendly and contrite even though the workers looked
like some ancient Greek choir straight from hell. (To one of the workers) Yes, I'm so
sorry I'm a little late... Where's my baby, wheres Siiri?
DAY CARE WORKERS
She's not here.
EMMI
What do you mean, not here?
DAY CARE WORKERS
Your husband... Leo picked her up.
EMMI
It wasn't his turn!
DAY CARE WORKERS
Leo said he was going to apply for sole custody because youre not capable....And we
agree.
EMMI
What the fuck is this!
DAY CARE WORKERS
Yes, and swearing wont get you anywhere.
EMMI
After that I went to sit in my car and opened a bottle of wine.

SCENE 17: JULIA SEES THE MAN AND LETS SOFIA DOWN
JULIA
Everything happened quickly and I found myself standing outside the man's door. His
wife and children had gone for the weekend.
FIERY MAN
Hello! Its so nice you came. Well, here's where we live.

34

JULIA
This is a little strange.
FIERY MAN
There's nothing strange at all. Take your time, look around.
JULIA
I'm sorry, but have you already talked to your wife about us?
FEARFUL MAN
No, not yet.
FIERY MAN
I was planning on talking to her when she comes back from this trip.
JULIA
How do you feel?
FEARFUL MAN
Bad.
FIERY MAN
Good... I feel good. I'll go get us some wine.
JULIA
He left me in the living room and I looked around. A perfectly normal home. I walked
in front of a shelf holding a bunch of photographs. It had pictures of different family
events. Children's christenings, surrounded by unknown people. A summer vacation,
with two laughing children in the back seat. A wedding picture. Two young adults,
smiling in astonishment and embarrassment. I opened the door to the children's room
and looked inside. The beds were made, with stuffed animals arranged on top. I began
to feel dizzy. I went back to the shelf and took one of the photographs and banged it
against the shelf so hard you could no longer tell who was in it... Or at least that's
what I wanted to do.
FIERY MAN
So how does it seem?
JULIA
You have a beautiful home.
FIERY MAN
Yeah my wife likes decorating...
JULIA
Oh... yeah...
FIERY MAN
I rented us a film... Asian... In the Mood for Love.

35

FEARFUL MAN
It's so fucking sad... The colors and everything...
JULIA
I uh gotta go.
FIERY MAN
You can't go anywhere.
JULIA
My good friend Sofia has this really important event at school and I promised her I'd
be there.
FIERY MAN
Hey, Julia... I've really been looking foward to seeing you. I'll be really disappointed
if you leave... Nobody knows me like you do. Please don't leave.
JULIA
OK, Ill stay. (To the audience) The man went to the bedroom. And I stood there for a
moment, staring at the wine at the bottom of my glass. The following chain of events
flashed through my mind: it takes about five minutes for alcohol to get from the
stomach to the brain. Through the blood it passes to the back of the brain, to the most
sensitive areas. There it begins to slowly shut down your central nervous system...
You become lighter... Disturbing feelings start to disappear... A lovely state of bliss
comes over you. Your anxiety dissipates. What does all this mean? Whats
happening?
There are two worlds...The world of harmony and the world of chaos. Hidden in the
world of harmony are all feelings of love, order and goodness. But theres always
another world right beside it, chaos. This world contains weakness, fear, childhood
hurts, all the things youve never processed. And just when you least want it, these
two worlds begin to move towards each other, giving birth to chaos.

SCENE 18: THE SCHOOL'S 100TH ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION

(The school auditorium. Speeches, voices, music, lights on)
PRINCIPAL
It is my great privilege to welcome you to the 100th anniversary celebration of our
school. Opening this festive occasion is a speech by one of our long-time teachers,
Sofia Lehto, who is the second generation of her family to work here. Sofia, please
(Whispers) Come on, just a little farther Go, go, go
(Applause. Sofia enters the stage)
SOFIA (Starts to cry)
I wanted to tell you about a village store Which sells everything from firecrackers
to condoms I mean tomatoes (gets flustered) No. The truth is that this school is
going to be closed and merged into a larger school. Thats a fact.
PRINCIPAL
36

Sofia, thats not true!

SOFIA
She has expressly forbidden me to speak of it, so that nobody will have time to take
action. But its the truth.
PRINCIPAL
Very well then I admit there has been some talk along these lines. But now, let me
introduce Tytti from 5C. Take it away. She will be playing Finlandia by Sibelius
PRINCIPAL
Sofia Come over here Tytti, please continue.
(Tytti tries to play the recorder. Sofia and the Principal yell at each other.)
SOFIA
This just shows what happens when a principal with no teaching background is
appointed. You just wanted more power for yourself!
PRINCIPAL
Keep on playing, Tytti Do you have any idea of the position youre in? I did
everything in my power so that your rampage in the caf wouldnt come to light!
SOFIA
I saw it right when you came. Youd already sold us out. Theres fear in your eyes.
You only see numbers and your income and youre afraid that somebody is going to
come and take your place! You fucking Nazi! (To the audience) This led to the
following chain of events. The clock struck eight. The school secretary started
walking very quickly towards the stage. Tytti stopped playing and looked at me. The
principal raised her hand and slapped me across the face.
(The principal hits Sofia while both are standing on the auditorium stage)
PRINCIPAL (Tytti and Sofia are crying)
Tytti, go on playing Just play Pardon this little interruption Keep on playing
Weve been under a great deal of stress at work Go on playing After this well
have the pageant Tytti play the fucking instrument OK you can go now
SOFIA
(To the audience) I stood there crying for a minute and then dragged myself home. A
week later Emmi and Julia took me out to dinner to apologize for not coming to the
party We had a tad too much to drink and after a long series of strange events the
police threw us in jail.

SCENE 19: SOFIA, EMMI AND JULIA IN JAIL

(Theyre drunk)
SOFIA
37

Nooo Let me out of here How am I going to explain this to Markus Or my

students No. Let me out. Or for heavens sake, my children Mommy drunk and
behind bars This is a grave violation of human rights! Let us out Pekka?
JULIA
Who is Pekka?
SOFIA
That nice policeman! The one who walked me in here Pekka, let me out.
EMMI
Why are you shouting up at the ceiling?
SOFIA
Well theres got to be a camera somewhere
EMMI
Do you see a film crew?
SOFIA
Uh oh Im starting to freak out That door is really locked
EMMI
Well of course its locked. Thats the whole idea. Were prisoners and theyre
guards Theyll let us out in the morning. Julia and I have previously had the
pleasure of a night of government accommodation.
SOFIA
No you havent.
EMMI
Yes we have One time this here enemy of state #1 forcibly dragged me to this
protest against some fur business. There were these two old grandmothers, totally
crazy. They just stood there in the middle of the furs with their arms crossed while
twenty punks broke their windows. After that we spent a night in the slammer
Water and bread Thank you, Julia, for that wonderful experience.
JULIA
Well its your own fault for coming with.
EMMI
I came because mother forced me.
JULIA
I didnt know that...
EMMI
I was sort of like your babysitter. Should have done the same today. The only reason
we were thrown out of that restaurant was because you had to go and commit your
own private terrorist attack.
38

JULIA
I happen to be of the opinion that every restaurant should have organic wines on their
wine list. And in a very friendly tone of voice, I merely suggested that they should
order some.
EMMI
You called the waiter a fag and deliberately spilled your wine on the table. You were
wasted before we even got there.
JULIA
I have never called anyone a fag. I was feeling good. Sofia had forgiven us for
blowing off her party. And besides, I was having a little celebration of my own.
EMMI
What the hell celebration?
JULIA
I was celebrating my last day of work. I went through some unofficial channels to get
you that medication and they didnt like it, and then they got difficult and started
talking about some kind of warning and then I decided to quit I told them to go
fuck themselves and take care of their own nutcases and adis.
EMMI
Excuse me, is this somehow my fault
JULIA
No Did I blame you? Actually Im very hapy. But you spent the whole evening
looking like an elephants ass.
EMMI
Yeah right, but just for the record, Leos sued for sole custody and Ive got to appear
at the hearing. Its next week, and Im sure this little stint in jail isnt going to
improve my case.
JULIA
Wha-?
SOFIA
Thats terrible
EMMI
(To Sofia) Well thanks a lot Sofia. Why the hell did you drag us to the cemetary for a
little adventure?
SOFIA
I wanted to see my mother.
JULIA
Very typical, when somebody dies, you feel theres so much left unsaid.
39

SOFIA
No, you dont understand, you never will Cause that woman is like a giant
boulder, shes always towering over me no matter what I do!
JULIA
You dont get it, its like this A womans self-esteem it built on top of her mothers
self-esteem. And it seems like your mothers was pretty bad. And she probably had
the feeling that her mother was standing like a boulder in front of her.
EMMI
How many times have I told you not to let her order you around? Even on her
deathbed she was bouncing you around like a basketball. And here you are, crying at
your mothers grave, begging for forgiveness.
SOFIA
I was not crying! I wanted to BARF on her grave!
JULIA
So whats stopping you Go ahead
SOFIA
What? Where would I barf here?
JULIA (Julia puts the urinal bucket in front of Sofia)
Jesus Christ How about here. Theres your mother for you. Go ahead.
SOFIA
I dont know..
EMMI
I dunno. You cant even barf on an imaginary mother.
SOFIA
I can too. OK!
JULIA
Go ahead.
SOFIA
Ugghhh Nothings coming..
EMMI
Well let me barf then!
SOFIA
I will not let you barf on top of my mother! Now look You stay there. What if I just
take this And sit on top of it
EMMI
40

Thats it, sit quietly on top of your mother and make sure she cant get out from under
that bucket!
SOFIA
Why are you so mean to me? This means a lot to me.
EMMI (Sacrastically imitating)
This means a lot to me.
SOFIA
Are you copying me?
EMMI
Are you copying me?
SOFIA
Why are you so disgusting?
EMMI
Na na na nanny nana?
SOFIA
Stop copying me!
EMMI
Stop copying me!
SOFIA
Stop it or Ill hit you!
EMMI
Breebee breebee blo. Go on and hit me in your dreams, babe.
SOFIA
Stop it or Ill hit you.
EMMI
I doubt you even hit anyone in the caf, youre such a coward. You were just trying to
get attention.
(Sofia slaps Emmi)
EMMI
Ooowwww!!!
SOFIA
Emmi Quit faking it, I barely touched you. I hit your hand Your hand was in the
way
(Silence. Julia is sleeping)
41

SOFIA
Why do you always bad-mouth Julias boyfriends and criticize her ideas?
EMMI
When I was a kid, our day always began with Dad reading the newspaper and giving
his daily manifesto against the injustices of the world. Julia was living with mother,
which is a bit strange because shes just like Dad. Julia admired his idealism but
didnt see the truth. Dad thought he was better than everybody else, but he couldnt
even take care of himself. When she was fifteen, at the victory party after some
political demonstration, Julia got sloshed. I found her passed out in the living room
and some guy fucked her and she didnt even know it Then I dragged Julia home,
and never told her anything I rescued her
JULIA
Why are you telling her that?
SOFIA
Oh, werent you asleep?
JULIA
Why are you telling her that?
EMMI
Im telling Sofia this because Julias problem is that she falls blindly in love with
people. She doesnt have any self-protective instinct. She falls in love, gets messed
up, suffers, licks her wounds and then starts all over again. Its been like this her
whole life. I try to keep her away from lunatics, but it seems like she always wants the
house of cards to fall down
SOFIA
But didnt you say this movie guy was your first real love?
EMMI
Bullshit. He was probably her hundred millionth first real love. I am so fucking sick
and tired of hearing that this is really it and how come everyone else gets it poured on
while its dribbled on me through a pipette. She lives for love Emotional
masturbation With Julia its always the same. She falls in love, but just as quickly
shes out the door. You know, I warned the movie guy about you. I told him that
Julias never serious. That this would happen
JULIA
For your information, Im moving in with him. Hes filing for divorce. Im getting
what Sofia was talking about.
EMMI
I doubt it.
JULIA

42

For gods sake, Emmi Youre so jealous its like a light that can be seen from a
thousand kilometers away. Youre the one who wanted to fall head over heels in love,
to throw yourself into heady emotion. You wanted to wallow, to roll around in it as
long as you could. To surrender yourself to rapturous bliss, to give up everything you
know and get everything out of love you possibly could!
EMMI
Geez Looks like Helen of Troy just flew in through the jailhouse door.
JULIA
Why dont you shut your fucking mouth? Emmi has never been in love. Its the truth.
Shes never had the courage! When you hit that woman You were hitting yourself!
It was the only way to get rid of Leo!
EMMI
What a wonderful diagnosis! Enter professional therapist, violins please.
JULIA
Its much easier to be a martyr and a shithead your whole life than be a person who
has the courage to laugh, to love, to really care!
EMMI
What are you talking about?
JULIA
Youve never loved anyone, not even Leo.
SOFIA
Julia, stop it.
JULIA
And it wasnt the first time Id gotten her that medicine. Shes been taking it for
nearly five years! And you know what Im not even sure youre capable of loving
Siiri!
(Emmi starts to cry.)
EMMI
I dont want to ever see you again.
JULIA
Fine with me.
EMMI
Julia Im sorry I need you. I cant make it on my own!

SCENE 20: JULIA DUMPS THE MAN

(Julias office)

43

JULIA
(To the audience) I was in my office for the last time, cleaning out my desk and
picking up my things, when a familiar man walked in.
FIERY MAN
Hey whats going on The receptionist said you dont work here any more. Whats
going on? Did they fire you?
JULIA
Well Its kind of complicated
FIERY MAN
What? How is that possible? Can they just do that? Hey! Im going to go talk to them.
Youre the best therapist here, nobody has ever helped me as much as you. (The
FIERY MAN exits.)
JULIA
(To the audience) And this is when I understood. Hook, line and sinker
(The FEARFUL MAN enters)
FEARFUL MAN
Excuse me Have I done something wrong
JULIA
No you havent.
(The FIERY MAN returns)
FIERY MAN
This cant be happening, just when I need you Julia, Julia Now the shits hitting
the fan at home again I bought a new car and were going on a trip I should be
with my family at the lake cottage, fixing the boat I dont know My life is just
like Roman Polanskis Bitter Moon When Im with my wife I miss you, when Im
with you I miss my wife. Im like the characters, but Im also like the ship at sea, or
the guy in the wheelchair. Its like Im stuck in this mental wheelchair. My life is one
big chaos. What are you looking at?
JULIA
(To the audience) In shock situations you need to make quick decisions. (To the man)
Have you ever heard of Naomi Klein?
FEARFUL MAN
Yeah
FIERY MAN
Yeah yeah That model Long legs
JULIA

44

No. (To the audience) And at that moment I understood. I had turned my back on his
frightened half. I should have tried to bring the two sides together and make them talk
to each other. I had made a mistake.
(To the FEARFUL MAN) Im sorry I didnt help you.
FIERY MAN
No, but of course you helped me, are helping me Incredibly much!
JULIA
You should stay away from me Far away Im really bad for you!
FIERY MAN
Hey hey hey I didnt mean we shouldnt see each other, even though things are shit
at homeCould we maybe see each other, like every other week, at a hotel
JULIA
No, sit your ass down and listen to me! You need to go home now, sit on your sofa,
look at all the photographs on your shelf and listen to yourself And if you can hear
a little voice deep inside, good. And if you dont hear anything, get help.
FIERY MAN
(Fearfully) But I love you.
JULIA
Please, do me a favor, walk out of this room
FIERY MAN
Crazy bitch Shit.
(The FIERY MAN leaves, comes back.)
FIERY MAN
I must say, I feel a little like Ive been raped.

SCENE 21: EMMI IN COURT

EMMI
(To the audience) A week after wed spent the night in jail I found myself in court
being cross-examined about my life. Leo was trying to get sole custody of Siiri.
JUDGE #1
What is the size of your apartment?
EMMI
Fifty four square meters. Living room, bedroom, kitchen.
JUDGE #2
And how many hours do you work a week?

45

EMMI
About thirty-eight to forty hours
JUDGE #1
Last week you had articles in five different journals?
EMMI
Yeah Ive been pretty busy
JUDGE #2
How often is Siiri with you when youre doing interviews?
EMMI
Never I mean sometimes.
JUDGE #1
According to Leo Saari, often
EMMI
Well... Sometimes we go straight after daycare
JUDGE #2
And how long does Siiri need to wait alone in the car?
EMMI
Siiri never has to wait alone in the car.
JUDGE #1
According to Leo Saari, she does.
JUDGE #2
Leo Saari has followed you from daycare.
EMMI
(To the audience) Followed usI mean I couldnt understand how he could have
done such a thing. The prosecutor clearly had information about my movements and
in the last weeks Id been working day and night to prove my innocence. Plus I had to
work to pay off my 200,000 euro mortage.
JUDGE #1
How many minutes does an interview last?
EMMI
Minutes? Probably something like half an hour Maybe an hour.
JUDGE #2
According to Leo Saari, Siiri doesnt always get warm meals.
EMMI

46

Uh Siiri is an exceptionally picky eater, she likes sandwiches We dont always

cook a warm meal in the evening (To the audience) My stove broke last week
When it rains it pours.
JUDGE #1
What is your emotional state at this time?
EMMI
Thank you Very good Theres nothing bothering me Im doing just fine
Normal courtroom stress
JUDGE #2
Kindly calm yourself, sit down. According to Leo Saari, you often get upset
EMMI
I dont get upset, I just say what I think.
JUDGE #1
You have a prior conviction for violent behavior.
EMMI
But that was a long time ago and its was settled!
JUDGE #2
Leo insists that you have psychological testing. Would you agree to this?
EMMI
What? No, I would not agree to it. I am not crazy. This is unbelievable A woman
who is violent once is always crazy. A man who is violent is a symptom of social ills!
(To the audience) All of a sudden I heard a familiar guffaw in the courtroom. Leo was
sitting there smirking in his self-satisfied way. And then I understood. Why on earth
had I hit that woman I should have hit Leo You fucking bastard Im going to
smash your face in!!!
JUDGE #1
The court will now adjourn for a short recess.

SCENE 22: SOFIA AND JULIA TESTIFY IN COURT

EMMI
(To the audience) Julia and Sofia had also been summoned to testify. They did their
best to help me, but they just made it worse.
JULIA
With all due respect, while I am Emmis sister I dont understand why Im here.
SOFIA
Im a teacher and I have two children and I know very well that nobody loves Siiri as
much as her own mother.
47

JULIA
Well, she has been depressed I arranged for her to get the prescription But
shouldnt this be handled somewhere else?
SOFIA
Well, in the last month Siiri has stayed with us max 3-5 times No more than that.
JULIA
Yeah and Emmi found out that Leo had been cheating on her even while she was
pregnant and that hed had a number of other affairs too Anybody would get
depressed about that.
SOFIA
Well maybe Siiri did stay with us ten times, if Leo has been snooping around and
counting
JULIA
Emmi is not violent. Emmi is passionate!
SOFIA
And it wasnt Emmis fault we got thrown in jail. Im the one who wanted to go to the
cemetery.
JULIA
Emmi may very well have hit that womans head against the table Maybe about
five times but she doesnt remember because she was drunk
SOFIA
I hit a man too, and I didnt know him either!
JULIA
Dont you realize, all these school shootings all over the world. Theyre taking the
same medication And nobody says anything about it!
EMMI
(To the audience) And then it was my turn again I stood up and tried to defend
myself as well as I could. I really do love Siiri more than anything and I know what
my life must look like
(Emmi is interrupted)
JUDGE #2
The court has reached a decision. Leo Saari is awarded sole custody of Siiri, with the
mother being granted visitation twice a month.
EMMI
This led to the following chain of events. I ran out of the courthouse. The sun blinded
me. I went home. I tore the books off the shelf and threw them onto the floor. I kicked
in the glass coffee table and had the following thoughts: How had I ever imagined that
I could have gotten Siiri for myself. They were right. I was sick. I forgot the child,
48

whenever, wherever. I hit people. And above all, I was fighting the fact that unless I
got help this was not going to have a happy ending.

SCENE 23: SOFIA AND THE PRINCIPAL APPLY FOR THE SAME POSITION
SOFIA
On May 30th, our school was closed. The position of principal was opened at the new
larger school. In the final round of interviews, there were only two applicants left.
PRINCIPAL
Hi Sofia! Are you better? Im sorry but I just have to say this, I cant believe you
think you have a snowballs chance in hell of getting this job. Well, never mind
Good luck anyway.
SOFIA
What do you mean?
PRINCIPAL
Considering your violent background.
SOFIA
Well yes And I really need to thank you about that. You did everything you could
so nobody would find out about it. On the other hand, two hundred people saw you
slapping me at school.
PRINCIPAL
Sofia, honey Look at yourself A wimp like you What would your mother say
if she saw you now A leader should be completely different. A leader needs to take
responsibility and provide cool-headed leadership from year to year
(Sofia starts to speak to the audience above the Principal)
SOFIA
I listened to her and turned to stone She stood there like a boulder and I couldnt go
anywhere.
PRINCIPAL (Speaks the end to Sofia)
Well if you should happen to get this job I will be all too glad to come and see how
you do, how you solve all the money problems.
What are you looking at?
SOFIA
(To the audience) I dont know what happened to me, but all of a sudden Markuss
pasta began churning in my stomach.
PRINCIPAL
Good heavens, Sofia, you dont look very well. (Offers her coffee.) Here have some of
this, then go home.

49

SOFIA
(Sofia throws up on the Principal.) Eeaaaack
PRINCIPAL
For Gods sake, Sofia, my new outfit! Now youve really done it! This is a
Marimekko design Youve ruined it What am I going to do Theyre going to
call me in there any minute What am I going to do, Sofia? Can you help?
SOFIA
(To the audience) And then suddenly she was called in, didnt even have time to wipe
her suit clean. Then I waited in peace and quiet for my own turn.

SCENE 24: SOFIA ON THE WAY TO WORK. THE FINAL CHAIN OF EVENTS.
SOFIA
Another six months went by. I hadnt seen Emmi or Julia in a long time, so I invited
them to meet me at the caf.
JULIA
I think that Sofia is the kind of principal who invites new ideas and looks at things
from all points of view.
SOFIA
Yeah but if there isnt enough money then Sofia the principal must decide which
things get cut. Music groups for immigrant children or the writers workshop.
JULIA
But thats not what would happen Sofia wouldnt cut either of them.
EMMI
But hey! The principal has to take responsibility for her decisions no matter how hard
they make her cry.
SOFIA
And I accept this responsibility. So Emmi, why dont you come run the writers
workshop once a week, since you dont have any work at the moment.
JULIA
Wonderful idea!
EMMI
Julias not working either.
JULIA
Yeah but Sofia asked you first and anyway guess what Im going to set up my own
private practice.
EMMI

50

What a great idea, then there wont be anyone watching over you and you can screw
your crazies to your hearts content.
SOFIA
Emmi, think about it I think we can pay you something But thats not why I
invited you here today In fact its because something very unsual happened to me
this morning. I was going to work by tram, and thing young guy, drunk, got onto the
same car. He started to scream and shout all kinds of obscenities at people. And then
finally he started trying to grab an old womans purse and she started to cry. Nobody
did anything. And then I couldnt take it anymore, I stood up and started walking
towards the guy wondering how I was going to hit him in such a small space.
JULIA
What Not again
EMMI
Nooo
SOFIA
No wait Then the tram stopped and two guards came in another door. I got off
through the middle doors. My heart was pounding and my blood was boiling. I
walked three kilometers to school. I just dont get it. Pretty soon I wont be able to go
anywhere because Ill get in some kind of altercation. Whats going on?
JULIA
No, you shouldnt think like that, because I think its really great how youre
shouldering your social responsibility.
EMMI
What? What do you mean? Responsibility Thats the precise moment when all
your plans to improve the world run aground.
JULIA
What do you mean?
EMMI
I shoulder responsibility and hit Thats what happens. Hate gives birth to hateIts
quite clear.
JULIA
And here speaks a woman whos the heroine of her own life
EMMI
Listen, if Im on a tram or the metro and somebody makes a scene, Im straight out
the back door.
JULIA
Leaving others to suffer Thats not how its supposed to be!
EMMI
51

Well what then And like the taxi driver you pull a gun out of your purse and wipe
them out?
JULIA
Yeah rightOf course you could actually walk up to people and talk to them
EMMI
Like an axe murderer
JULIA
This is ridiculous I cant even say beep before being interrupted by that
nutcase.
SOFIA
Hey! Stop it! I just wanted to talk about it Maybe I found my reaction a little
distressing Lets not argue Alright
JULIA
Of course not. Were just having a conversation
EMMI
Of course. We never fight
SOFIA
You, never?
EMMI
This was a very nice conversation. A very important subject
(Pause)
SOFIA
Sooo, hows Siiri
EMMI
Shes fine Leo and I have split custody more or less equally So at least the
Neanderthals been a little flexible. Siiri is wonderful Shes turning six next week,
and it breaks my heart how beautiful she is, she looks just like me
JULIA
I brought Siiri a wonderful book I got on a trip. Its got pictures of stars and planets.
She likes it a lot.
EMMI
Yeah and in the evening she asks all kinds of really hard questions.
JULIA
Thats good. Its good if your knowledge is being tested.
SOFIA
52

What kind of a trip have you been on?

JULIA
With a man to Barcelona.
SOFIA
No way, what is this So quickly Whos the guy? If the last one was the movie
guy, is this one some kind of documentary guy?
JULIA
I think hes just an ordinary guy.
EMMI
An ordinary guys sounds good. Suits you.
(Music starts playing)
EMMI
Tell me, Julia, what would you say if somebody starts to lose it in a bus or
something
JULIA
Well Id walk up to him calmly
EMMI
How calmly
JULIA
I dont know Id take a deep breath and
SOFIA
Julia, cant you tell that Emmi is teasing you
JULIA
Are you teasing me?
EMMI
Well just a little, cause I love you.
SOFIA
And this led to the following chain of events. Julia and Emmi began to plan Siiris
birthday party. Sofia dug into her fabulous carrot cake. A maple leaf flew past the
caf window, a waitress was wiping tables and an old man sitting on a sofa fell asleep
over his coffee. Aside from this, there is nothing else of significance to report.
THE END

53