VogelELA12

NAME:___________________________________________________

pd_________

COLLEGE/PERSONALESSAYPROJECT
Countsas2testgradesforfirstquarter

Date

Your
Score

ELEMENT

DUE

Possible

Points

9/16/16

ExpectationsSurvey Life After HS

25

9/20/16

ISheet

25

9/26/16

FiveWrittenResponses

25

10/5/16

EssayOutline(onlooseleafhandwrittenortyped)

25

FirstDraft*(submitviaemailONLYasattachedWordor

30

20

10/21/16 FinalTypedEssay( emailed/sharedANDprintedcopyaswell)

50

10/13/16 Pagesdocument)orsharedwithmeasaGoogleDrive
Document,aOneDriveWordDocument,orasaWord
document,doNOTsendaPDF,youmustalsoprint3copies)

10/18/16

PeerEvaluations(handwritten)

*Handwrittenworkwillnotbeaccepted!

FinalPROJECTGRADE

200

ALLpartsofthisprojectMUSTbecompletedonTIMEandhandedinpointswillbedeductedforlate
work!

College

Essay

VogelELA12

CONTENTS:

Projectscoresheet

..

P1

Tableofcontents

..

P2

EssayPrompts

..

P2

EssayTips

..

P34

SampleEssays

..

P58

LifeAfterHS

..

P9

IStatements

..

P10

ShortResponse

..

P11

20162017EssayPrompts
1.Somestudentshaveabackground,identity,interest,ortalentthatissomeaningfulthey
believetheirapplicationwouldbeincompletewithoutit.Ifthissoundslikeyou,thenplease
shareyourstory.
2.Thelessonswetakefromfailurecanbefundamentaltolatersuccess.Recountanincident
ortimewhenyouexperiencedfailure.Howdiditaffectyou,andwhatdidyoulearnfromthe
experience?
3.Reflectonatimewhenyouchallengedabelieforidea.Whatpromptedyoutoact?Would
youmakethesamedecisionagain?
4.Describeaproblemyou'vesolvedoraproblemyou'dliketosolve.Itcanbeanintellectual
challenge,aresearchquery,anethicaldilemmaanythingthatisofpersonalimportance,no
matterthescale.Explainitssignificancetoyouandwhatstepsyoutookorcouldbetakento
identifyasolution.
5.Discussanaccomplishmentorevent,formalorinformal,thatmarkedyourtransitionfrom
childhoodtoadulthoodwithinyourculture,community,orfamily.

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10SUGGESTIONSFORANOUTSTANDINGESSAY1
1. Giveyourselfplentyoftimebeforeyourdeadlines.Donotwaittothelastminute!
2. Readtheinstructionscarefullyandunderstandthembeforeyoubegintowrite.Ifthe
essayhasawordlimitof650words,youressaycantbe675words.(Wordsand
charactersaredifferentnumbers!)Remainfocusedontheessaysprompt,andsubmitit
ontime.
3. Pickonemeaningfulsubjectmatterthatwillgivethereaderatrueimpressionofyour
uniqueness.
4. Keepyourtopiconaspecific,narroweddownidea.Nowisnotthetimetowriteabout
all12yearsofyoureducation.
5. Outlinethemainideasofyouressayandsticktothoseideas.Donotstrayfromyour
topic!
6. Usespecificandvividlanguage.Avoidgeneralstatements:Mymotherisadetermined
woman.Instead,At28yearsold,mysinglemotherraisedmybrotherandmewithout
daycareorhelpwhilesheearnedherhighschooldiploma.Avoidthingoranyword
thathasthinginit.Thingwordsdullyourspecificsmakingitdifficultforyourreaderto
seewhatyouredescribing.
7. Belikeable,andmakesuretheessayisyourown.Avoidsarcasm,criticism,swear
words,andmeanness.Donthavesomeoneelsewriteyouressayforyouthatis
plagiarismyouwillbedisqualifiedfromtheprocess.
8. Yourpapermustbeerrorfree:nospelling,punctuation,sentence,orusagemistakes.
Donotrelyonyourcomputertocorrecterrors.Giveyouressaytoapersonyoutrustto
beareliable,knowledgeableproofreadersuchasanEnglishteacher,schoolcounselor,
orparent.
9. Speakfromtheheart.Youneedtoberelatableandyouressayneedstoreflectwhoyou
are.Remembertomakeitmemorable,andshowhowyouhavechangedand/orgrown
asaperson!
10. RULES:startstrong,beorganized,andfinishstrong.Goodessayshavean
introduction,supportingparagraphs,andaconclusion.

Adaptedfromh
ttp://www.diplomaframe.com/collegeapplicationessayshowtoimpressandsucceed/
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VogelELA12

ESSAYDOsandDONTs2
Applicationessaysareawonderfulopportunityforyoutoshowadmissionsofficeswhoyoureallyare,inwhat
waysyouthink,howwellyouperform,andevenyoursenseofhumor.Herearesomegreatdosanddontstohelp
you:

DO
1.W
riterevealing,conciseessaysthatinform,enlightenandamuse.
2.P
resentyourselfasgenuinelyhumble,modest,perhapsevenselfeffacing.B
eyourself.
3.A
nswereachandeveryaspectoftheessayquestiona
sbestyoucanANDwithinthe
character/wordlimitprovided.
4.C
omeacrossasmature,positive,reflective,intelligent,downtoearth,curious,persistent,
confident,original,creative,hardworkingandthoughtful.
5.W
riteaboutanythingthatiscounterintuitiveaboutyourself,e.g.,youareafootballplayerwhois
totallyintopoetry,ayoungwomanwhoisacomputerorphysicsgeek,amachoguywhowantstobe
anelementaryschoolteacher.
6.U
seavarietyofwordstodescribesomethingorsomeone,e.g.,Charley,myfriend,mybuddy,
myschoolmate,he,him.
7.E
xplainwhatneedstobeexplained,asinanillness,alearningdisability,asuspension,aonetime
badgrade,afamilytragedy,amajorchallengeyouhavehad.
DONT
1.W
ritetoomuch,rambleon,orthinkthatmoreisbetter.Itisnot,andyoushouldnotgooffwriting
aboutwhatyouwanttosayratherthanwhatthequestionasks.

2.B
rag,boast,tootyourownhorn,orcomeacrossasarrogant.

3.W
ritewhatyouthinkpeoplewantinsteadofwhatyoureallythink,ormakesomethingupabout
yourselftoimpressthereader.

4.C
omeacrossasimmature,negative,superficial,shallow,aphony,glib,aslacker,insecure,a
whiner,judgmentalordisrespectful.
5.G
ivetheimpressionthatyouknowmoreaboutsomethingthanyoureallydobywritingtrite,
inaccurateorinconsequentialthings.

6.W
riteanessaya
ndconsideritdonew
ithoutlookingforpunctuationorgrammaticalerrorsand
havingiteditedbyatleastoneperson.

7.U
sethesamewordsoverandover,e.g.,myfriend,myfriend,myfriend,myfriend,myfriend.

8.M
akeexcusesforanything,includingabadgrade,aninfringementofrules,asuspension,
whatever.

Adaptedfromh
ttp:marjoriehansenshaevitz/collegeessaytips_b_1719862.html
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SampleEssays3:
#1:SiblingSuccess

Ivividlyrecallaskingmymotherwhyherwaistlinewassteadilyexpanding.Shetookmyhand,placedit
onherstomach,andsaid,Meetyourbabysister!Iwassixyearsoldandfamilylifehadalwaysbeen
focusedonmeandmyneeds.Suddenly,Ifeltuncertainaboutmyfuture.Howwouldmylifechange?
WouldmynewsisterandIlikeeachother?MyfatherassuredmethatIwouldbeakind,lovingbrother,
butIwasnotsosure!
HoursafterLaurensbirth,onasnowyFebruaryday,mydadtookmetothehospitaltomeether.I
insistedonwearingmysouvenirBurgerKingcrownbecauseIlikedit,andthoughtthatshedlikeit,too!
Amidallthefanfareandexcitement,somehowtherewasaspecialgiftfromLaurentome:ashinyred
firetruck!AsIopenedmygift,Iwonderedhowshecouldhaveknownthattruckswereamongmy
favoritetoys(althoughIdidntponderthattoolong).
DailylifequicklychangedformeinwaysIhadntimagined.Initially,mybigbrotherrolewasmostlythat
ofhelpfulassistant,whodutifullygaveherabottleorheldher.AfterIhadbeenassistingwithher
physicalcareforsometime,Ivolunteeredmoremeaningfulcontributions,suchasencouragingherto
crawlandwalk.Tomysurprise,Isecretlystartedtoenjoymynewrole.Iwasgettingunexpected
pleasurefrommyincreasingresponsibilitiesandfrommyrisingfamilystatus.NolongerwasIsimply
theolderbrothernowIwasalsoherclosefriend,teacher,andcoach.Herrespectformemade(and
makes)mefeelmoremature,capable,adultlike.Itreatherquestionsseriouslyandtrustthatshefinds
thelessonsIteachherfrommyexperiencehelpfulandrelevant.Iwelcometheopportunitytomentor
herandsheshowsmeherappreciation.
Laurenhasdefinitelybenefitedfrommyhelp,andIcanseethatourrelationshipismoremutually
beneficialthanIhadanticipated.ThelessonsthatIhavetaughtLaurenhaveshownmethebenefitsof
compassion,patience,communication,andunderstandingthesocalledfemininemystique.Whenshe
brokehercollarbone,Ihelpedherwithdailyduties,suchasgettingdressedandcarryingherbooks.I
waspleasedtobeabletohelpherduringthisdifficultandawkwardtime.Imalsopatientwithherwhen
wereactiveinsharedinterestslikemusic,swimming,ortennis.
AsLaurenmaturesintomoreofapeer,Ivalueherfemininepointofview.Despiteourageandgender
differences,myparentsenabledalifelongbondbetweenus,andIfosterthatbondaswegrow.I
appreciateLaurensopinionsaboutthings.Shefeelssufficientlycomfortabletocommentonmyfriends
(theydressfunny),myclothes(toopreppy),andmyhaircut(growitoutitstooshort!).Welaugh
andsometimesgetangrywitheachother,butwealwaysresolveourdifferences,whichservesto
strengthenrelationship.
Thinkingbacktotheyearshewasborn,Irealizethatmydadspredictionwasaccurate.Ihavebecome
thewiseolderbrother,withagreaterappreciationforthedimensionandrichnessthatapositivesibling
relationshipcanbring.Ourmutualsupport,trust,andlovehavebroughtoutthebestinme,andIknow
thatthebestisyettocome.

h
ttp://www.collegeconfidential.com/admit/greatcommonapplicationessays/
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#2Observations

Thereisacertaindelightinfeelinglittle.Imeanlittleinthecontextofthewordbelittle.Asnegativea
connotationthewordhasadopted,inadifferentframeofreference,itsquiteenthralling.Anexample:
Ihaveanunconscioustendencytostrategizemypositioninaclassroom.Ipreferthefrontrowmiddle
seatalways.
AnearlySaturdaymorningearlierthismonthfoundmestandingunderthedoorframeofmyassigned
classroom,staringattheredheadedgirlwhohadstolenmyseat.Ispent54secondstelepathically
explainingtoherandherStarbuckscoffeethatTHATwasMYseat.AllIgotbackwasstatic.Givingup
grudgingly,Iwanderedtowhatseemedtobetheabsolutelymostirritatingseatintheentire
roommiddlerowmiddleseat.Amazingly,thetalleststudentsoftheclassfounditabsolutely
necessarytositinthefronttworows,creatingagradeAwallbetweenanyviewofthefrontandme.
Quiteanadvantageiftheteacherthrewerasers,though,butanunlikelypossibilityinthis
classQuantumTheoryandRelativity.
Myteachersteppedin.QuickpunctuatedbiographyofHaynPark:BornSouthKorean.RaisedSouth
American.SchooledHarvard,Moscow,Columbia.Specialty:quantumphysics.Koreanmilitaryservice.
Columbiaagain.Hisopeningbitofwisdomtomyclass:Stayinschool,atleasttheydontmakeyou
digditches.HehadmeatPanama.
HeopenedclasswiththeinsanelyattractiveCommonsensedoesntapplyhere.Hisfollowupswere
evenmorealluring.Nextclasswewontbeworkinginthreedimensionalspaceanymore,wellstart
with3+1spaceandIfsomethingtravelsfasterthanlight,thenyourcausewillhappenafteryoueffect
andmyultimatefavorite,Hereshowtomakeablackhole.
Itsbeensixclasses,andInowknowwhatitmeanstohaveonesbreathtakenaway,toliterallyhave
theairstolenfrommylungsbysomemagnificentinvisibleforce.Fortwoandahalfhourseveryseven
days,Ienteraworldwhereboredomhasnotimetoinvade,wheremathistheonlylanguage,and
theorytheonlyabsolute.OneclassaweektograspknowledgeIdidnotknowexisted,tolearnthat
whatIthoughtwasimpossiblecouldbe.
TheseatIwasforcedtotakethatfirstdayhaseversincebeenmygreatestblessing.Fromallfour
cornersIamconstantlysaturatedbybrilliance.Angularpeoplelopsidedlyfocusedonaparticular
subject,speakingwithfluencyinthatonesubject.Vulcanathisforge.AdistinctiveprideariseswhenI
realizeIcancallthesemypeers.Adistinctivepridewithanattachedhumility.Feelingsmallisaboon
whenIseealltheroomIhavetogrow.
Duringbreaks,IlistentoHaynsofftopictriviaaboutantimatterandthelike.Theimpactofhis
abridgedsodamachinetimelecturesisstaggering.Insteadofunproductivelystaringatwallsonmy
subwayridehome,Irereadthenotesoftheday,redrawingsomediagrams,relivingtheclass.Indoing
so,notonlydoIseethefactsbutIalsocomprehendtheirtruth.Thinkingisagerundoftenspokenof
butrarelydone.ThoughtistheeffectofmySaturdaymorningventure.Thoughttheactualstimulation
ofnewideasandquestionsbasedonlogic.StartlingmyselfwithwhatIknowwhatIcanknow,andwhat
Iwanttoknow.

Icravethisincollegeandinlife.

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#3ARightofPassage

DreemDenied

IfIcookedyou,Idbeabletosurviveonyourmeatforoveramonth.ThiswasnotthewelcomeIhad
expectedonmyfirstdayattheBritishSchoolinPhuket,Thailand.Iwonderedifmyfellowstudentshere
wouldbeaskindastheywereinAmericaorwouldtheyberudeandbrash,asthisinsultimplied?Wouldthe
curriculumbeanacademicchallengeoranintellectualbreeze?Ihadnoideawhattoexpect.
Attenyearsold,Iwas411andweighed185pounds.AsDreem(thiswashisname)spokehisoffensive
words,hesmirked.Almostinstinctively,somethingsnappedinsidemeand,althoughaggressivenessisnot
oneofmytraits,Irushedhimandknockedhimtothefloor.Ithinkhegotmypoint.
DreemdidnotlooklikeotherThaikids.WhileheappearedtobeCaucasian,hisinsultimpliedthatEnglish
wasnothisfirstlanguage.However,withhislightlycoloredskinandgoldenblondecurls,hecertainlydidnt
lookThai.AsOctoberarrived,DreemsvarioustraitsbegantointriguemeandIwantedtoknowmoreabout
him.Whetherhewaseatingbyhimselfintheboisterousrefectoryorsittinginthecornerofthelibrarysilently
doingwork,hewasalwaysalone.Iassumedhedidnthavemanyfriendsbecauseofhispersonality,butI
decidedtogivehimasecondchance.
Oneparticularlyhumidday,Iapproachedhim,choosingtoignorethepossibilityofharassment.Hewas
sittingunderasala(atypeofThaihut),fiddlingwithacellphone,whenIinterruptedhim.Thatfirstchatwas
brief,butitplantedtheseedsforourbuddingfriendship.Wethensatnexttoeachotherinclasses,atelunch
togetherintherefectory,anddidhomeworktogether.Wehadbecomegoodfriends.Frombowlingtojet
skiing,wediditalltogetherandwereinseparable,quiteaturnaroundfromthatfirstassaultonmyweight.
AfterayearinThailand,myfamilymovedbacktotheU.S.IkeptintouchwithDreembyweeklyemailsand
occasionallycaughthimonlinewithMSNMessenger.DreemlivedonPatongBeach,oneofthehardesthit
areasofthetragic2004tsunami.Hedidntsurvive.Hishousewasflattened.Iwascrushed.Ihadneverlost
somebodythatclosetome.
Dreemsdeathdramaticallychangedmylife.Ibeganthinkingthatlifewastooshortanditwouldbeawaste
todothingsIdidntreallywanttodo.BeforeDreem,Ineverreallydevotedmyselftoworkinghard,butsince
hispassingInowfocusonwhatsimportantandIhateleavingworkunfinished.Iwanttobesuccessful,not
onlyformyselfbutalsoforDreem.AfterIreflectedonwhathappenedtohim,Irealizedthatheneverhad
thechancetodowhathewantedinhislifetoliveandjustbe.
Hismemoryburnswithinmeandfuelsmypassionforlife.Myonceshort,stoutframehasnowgrowntosix
feettallandmythen185poundsarenow170.IoftenwonderwhatDreemwouldbeliketoday.Wherewould
hebe?Whatwouldhelooklike?Whatwouldhebedoing?Illneverknowtheseanswers,butIllalsonever
forgetmyfriendwhosenamedefinesmyapproachtolife.

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#4AnUnusualPlaceofContentment

Believeitornot,theoldphrase,Awomansplaceisinthehomeisstillaliveandwellinthescientific
community,asthedramaticgenderbiasstudypublishedlastSeptemberintheProceedingsofthe
NationalAcademyoftheSciencesshows.Today,itsAwomansplaceisnotinthelab.ThepathI
havetakenoverthepastfouryearshasproventomethatwomencanbejustascomfortableinSTEM
careersastheywere75yearsagoashousewives.MyplacewhereIfeelmostcontentisdefinitely
inthelab.
IworkasaresearchassistantintheDepartmentofNeurosurgeryslabatPennStatesHershey
MedicalCenter.Iobtainedthiscovetedpositionasahighschoolstudent,onlythroughdogged
persistence.Neurosurgeryisoneofthemostcompetitivefieldsofmedicineandprovingtoateamof
worldclassresearchersthatIcouldcontributetotheircomplex,meaningfulstudieswasnominorfeat.I
spentmyfirstsummerabsorbinginformationanddirectlyapplyingittomydiverselistofassigned
tasks,aimingformasteryandefficiency.Sincethen,Ihavedevotedthebulkofmylifetoresearch.
Overthepasttwosummers,Ihavespentroughly50hoursaweekinthelab.Duringtheschoolyear,I
trytosqueezeinasmuchlabtimeasIcan.TenhoursaweekisaboutallIcanmanage,butI
appreciatethequalityofthetimeIcanspendworkingwithmycolleagues.Scarfingdownsnacksduring
the30minutecommutehasbecomearitualIfondlyassociatewithmyanticipationoflearningand
productivitythere.
Myworkfocusesonanimalresearch,immunohistochemistry,andbiochemicalstudiesinvolving
amyotrophiclateralsclerosis(ALS).ALSisadiseaseforwhichthereisnocurrenteffectivetreatmentor
cure.Researchiscriticalinofferingalternativesforpatientswhohavefewoptionsforahighqualityof
life.Mymentor,Dr.AmandaSnyder,hastaughtmefarmorethanlabtechniqueandcriticalanalysis
skills.Shehasinstilledinmetheimportanceofbeingtenacious,inventive,andpassionateabout
researchingsuchadebilitatingdisease.Dr.Snyderalsodemonstratestheimportanceofcomparative
studies.Asascientist,sheiscommittedtomeaningful,humaneanimalresearch.Throughherexample,
Ihavebecomeanactiveproponentofresponsibleanimalstudies,atopicIadvocatedinaTEDxYouth
talkIpresentedduringmyjunioryear.Inadditiontoprovidingaplatformforactivism,mylabposition
hasalsoenabledmetoshadowleadingALSspecialists,whohavefurtherinspiredmetofollowintheir
path.Mostimportantly,though,mylabworkallowsmetomeetALSpatientswhomightsomeday
benefitfromourclinicaltrials.ThesepatientsarethereasonIdedicatemysummersandfreetimeto
seeminglytediousdutiesandconstantcommuting.
Receivingmymonogrammedwhitelabcoatwasariteofpassageforme.Itrepresentedthe
confirmationthatIveenteredaworldwhereIcanscrupulouslyinvestigatethedelicateintricaciesofthe
brainandnervoussystem.ItsaworldwhereIwitnessfirsthandthetransformationofrawideas,that
wereonceamerehybridofcuriosityandpriorknowledge,intopendingsolutionsforthetribulationsthat
plaguehumanity.Eightresearchersinmylabarefemale.Theseintelligent,passionatewomenare
beaconsofachievementintheirrespectivefields.Theirexamplebothchallengesandhumblesme.
Theyinvestinmyscientificfuturethrougheverymomenttheyspendwithme.IhopethatsomedayIm
abletorepaythatinvestmentbyfurtherprovingthepointthatwomenbelonginlaboratoriesand
scientificinstitutions,wheretheycanexcel.Iwouldliketobanish,onceandforall,themisguided
mindsetsaboutwhereawomansplaceshouldbe.Inthemeantime,Illbeinthelab.

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NAME:____________________________________________(tohandinoransweronseparatepaper)
LifeAfterHighSchool(College,Work,Military,Other)
1.WhatexcitesyouaboutlifeafterHS?

2.Whatfearsdoyouhaveaboutthenextstepinyourlife?

3. Whatareyoulookingforinacollege?(ex.
majors,extracurricularactivities,size,
location)?

Whatdoyouneedtothinkaboutasyoustartthe
nextpartofyourlife?(ex.money,skills,benefits,
familyneeds,enjoyment,health,etc.)

4.Doyouplantoliveathomeorgoawayforcollegeoracareer?Why?Howwillyourrelationships
withyourfriendsandfamilychangeasaresult?

5. Doyouexpectyourcollegegradestobesimilar
tothoseyougotinhighschool?Ifso,howwill
youfeeliftheyarenot?Howwillyoudealwith
thesefeelingsandimprove?

Whatareyourshortandlongtermpersonal
goals(thismeansmorethangettinggood
gradesormakingalotofmoney)?

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VogelELA12

NAME:____________________________________________
(to

hand

in)
I

STATEMENTS.
Directions:

Write

a
list

of

20

sentences

that

begin

with

to

brainstorm

ideas
for

your

college/personal

essay.

Think

about

talents,

things

that

you

are

fabulous
at,

known

for,

are

curious

about,

have

done,

want,

desire,

dream

about

etc.

Try

to
use

active

verbs.

Do

not

limit

yourself

and

write

only

am

statements.

If

you
want

to

write

more

than

20

go

for

it!

Have

fun!
1. I
2. I
3. I
4. I

5. I

6. I
7. I
8. I
9. I
10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

(Needmorespace?Attachanothersheetofpaper)

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VogelELA12

NAME:____________________________________________(Pleaseansweronaseparatepaper)
ShortResponseQuestions
Directions:(pleaseCHOOSE5).Foreachquestion,writea100to150wordparagraphresponse.Be
specific,keepinmindthequalitiesofgoodwriting.Checkforspelling,punctuation,grammar,form.
1. Elaborate(givedetails,moreinformation)aboutoneofyouractivities(work,afterschool,
volunteer,etc)

2. Whatobstaclesareyouproudtohavefacedorconquered?Why?

3. Whatcareerdothinkyouwishtopursue?Why?

4. WhatcareerdoyouthinkyouwouldNEVERwanttodo?

5. Describeapersoninyourlifethathashadapositiveornegativeeffectonyou.Howdids/he
affectyou?

6. Describeaneventthathashadasignificanteffectonyourlife.Howdidthiseventaffectyou?

7. Whatinyourlifeareyoumostgratefulfor?Why?

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VogelELA12

MYName:_______________________________________
Iamreviewing______________________(writers)essay.
Listt hreethingsyoulearnedaboutthewriterfromreadingthisessay
1.
2.
3.
Listt hreecommentsorsuggestionsforthewriterofthisessaybespecific.
1.
2.
3.

MYName:_______________________________________
Iamreviewing______________________(writers)essay.
Listt hreethingsyoulearnedaboutthewriterfromreadingthisessay
1.
2.
3.
Listt hreecommentsorsuggestionsforthewriterofthisessaybespecific.
1.
2.
3.

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