THE NATUR

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Who Are Pea

acemak
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eydrawcontiinuallyontheegoodnessan
ndpowerofJJesus
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ercy,forgiveness,strength,,andwisdom
mtotheconflictsofdailylife.
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understan
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aylife.3

Whatt is Confflict?
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ompoundthaatmeanstostriketogether(con
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Triinity Bible
e Church
280 Llagas Road, M
Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 w
www.trinitybibleechurch.org

Session 1 February 10
0, 2013
R
References used b
by permission of
f Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaaker.net

Pagee 1 of 6

Where does conflict come from? (The Spark)

1.
2.
3.
4.

Diversity
Miscommunication
Misunderstanding
Expectations

Why Do These Differences Become Conflicts? (The Gasoline)

Whatcausesquarrelsandwhatcausesfightsamongyou?Isitnotthis,thatyourpassionsareatwar
withinyou?(James4:1).

I Desire
Conflictalwaysbeginswithsomekindofdesire.Somedesiresareinherentlywrong,suchasvengeance,
lust,orgreed,butmanydesiresarenot.Forexample,thereisnothinginnatelywrongaboutdesiring
thingslikepeaceandquiet,respectfulchildren,alovingspouse,moretimewithyourgrandchildren,a
newcomputer,professionalsuccess,oragrowingchurch.5
Cravingunderliesconflict.

I Demand
Whenunmetdesiresturnintodemandsweprogresstowardidolatry.Unmetdemandsgivebirthto
conflict.
Themorewewantsomething,themorewethinkweneedanddeserveit.Andthemorewethinkwe
areentitledtosomething,themoreconvincedwearethatwecannotbehappyandsecurewithoutit.
Whenweseesomethingasbeingessentialtoourfulfillmentandwellbeing,itmovesfrombeinga
desiretoademand.IwishIcouldhavethisevolvesintoImusthavethis!Thisiswheretroublesetsin.
Eveniftheinitialdesirewasnotinherentlywrong,ithasgrownsostrongthatitbeginstocontrolour
thoughtsandbehavior.Inbiblicalterms,ithasbecomeanidol.Mostofusthinkofanidolasastatueof
wood,stone,ormetalworshipedbypaganpeople.Buttheconceptofidolatryismuchbroaderandfar
morepersonalthanthat.AnidolisanythingapartfromGodthatwedependontobehappy,fulfilled,or
secure.Inbiblicalterms,itissomethingotherthanGodthatwesetourhearton(Luke12:29;1Cor.10:
19),thatmotivatesus(1Cor.4:5),thatmastersandrulesus(Ps.119:133;Eph.5:5),orthatwetrust,
fear,orserve(Isa.42:17;Matt.6:24;Luke12:45).Inshort,itissomethingweloveandpursuemore
thanGod(seePhil.3:19).6
Towhateverwelookforanygoodthingandforrefugeineveryneed,thatiswhatismeantby'god.'To
haveagodisnothingelsethantotrustandbelieveinhimfromtheheart....Towhateveryougiveyour
heartandentrustyourbeing,that,Isay,isreallyyourgod.MartinLuther

Trinity Bible Church

280 Llagas Road, Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 www.trinitybiblechurch.org

Session 1 February 10, 2013

References used by permission of Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaker.net

Page 2 of 6

IdolatrycananddoesoccursevenwhileprofessingtoworshipthetrueandlivingGod.

SothesenationsfearedtheLORDandalsoservedtheircarvedimages.Theirchildrendid
likewise,andtheirchildrenschildrenastheirfathersdid,sotheydotothisday.(2Ki17:41).

Make Sure Your Desires Do Not Turn Into Demands

WhatamIpreoccupiedwith?
Whatisthefirstthingonmymindinthemorningandthelastthingonmymindatnight?
HowwouldIanswerthequestion:"Ifonly______,thenIwouldbehappy,fulfilled,andsecure"?
WhatdoIwanttopreserveortoavoidatallcosts?
WheredoIputmytrust?
WhatdoIfear?
Whenacertaindesireisnotmet,doIfeelfrustration,anxiety,resentment,bitterness,anger,or
depression?
IstheresomethingIdesiresomuchthatIamwillingtodisappointorhurtothersinorderto
haveit?7
Weoftenprotectanddefendidolsoftheheartthroughconcealment,disguise,andjustification.Oneof
themostcommondefensesofanidoloftheheartisjustifyingitonthegroundofgodlydesire.
EvenGodhonoringdesiresbecomeidolsoftheheartwhenwedemandthemnotforGodshonorbut
forourowncomfort,convenience,pleasure,service,etc.

I Judge
Whentheyfailtosatisfyourdesiresandliveuptoourexpectations,wecriticizeandcondemnthemin
ourheartsifnotwithourwords.8Thissortofsinfuljudgingischaracterizedbyafeelingofsuperiority,
indignation,condemnation,bitterness,orresentment.Sinfuljudgingofteninvolvesspeculatingon
others'motives.9
DavidPowlisonwrites:
Wejudgeotherscriticize,nitpick,nag,attack,condemnbecauseweliterallyplayGod.Thisis
heinous.[TheBiblesays,]"ThereisonlyoneLawgiverandJudge,theonewhoisabletosaveand
todestroy;butwhoareyoutojudgeyourneighbor?"Whoareyouwhenyoujudge?Noneother
than a God wannabe. In this we become like the Devil himself (no surprise that the Devil is
mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We act exactly like the adversary who seeks to usurp God's
throne and who acts as the accuser of the brethren. When you and I fight, our minds become
filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the selfrighteous
judgeintheminikingdomsweestablish.10

Weexpectotherstogiveallegiancetoouridol.

Trinity Bible Church

280 Llagas Road, Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 www.trinitybiblechurch.org

Session 1 February 10, 2013

References used by permission of Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaker.net

Page 3 of 6

I Punish
Ifourdemandscontinuetogounmet,ourjudgmentwillinvolvesomeformofpunishment.Idolsalways
demandsacrifices.Wepunishothersinvariousways,including:

Actingcold,unresponsive,uninterested
Withholdingaffectionorphysicalcontact
Actingsadorgloomy
Refusingtolookattheotherpersonintheeyes
Fitsofanger
Manipulate,control,threaten
Abandoningtherelationship

Oursinfulangeristhewrathofthegodofself.
Nowtheworksofthefleshareevident:enmity,strife,jealousy,fitsofanger,rivalries,dissensions,
divisions,envy(Gal5:1921)

Self-Centered Thinking

Wesoakinthecultureoftheworld(aculturethatisnotneutral).
Whatistheworldstoppriority?Self.
Youdeserveit
Becauseyoureworthit
Stickupforyourself Lookoutfor#1
Haveityourway

Weareconstantlybombardedbythemessagetocareonlyaboutourselves.Whatdoestheworldsay
aboutselfishness?Itsaysthatitsjustfine!11
Oursinfulnatureneverobjectstothesmallestoutsideencouragementtoliveforself.12
GodsWord:

Anarrogantamanstirsupstrife,ButhewhotrustsintheLORDwillprosper.(Pr28:25NASB)
Arrogancebleadstonothingbutstrife,butwisdomisgainedbythosewhotakeadvice.
(Pr13:10HCSB)

Beforewecanputoffconflict,wemustputoffselfcenteredthinking,whichisthegasolinethatfeeds
thefireofselfcentereddesires,whichresultsinconflict.Puttingoffselfcenteredthinkinginvolves
puttingonGodcenteredthinkingthatlookstotheneeds,desires,preferences,andinterestsofothers
first.

Heb.rahab:lit.wide,broad,extended;arrogant.
Heb.zidon:lit.presumption,overconfidence,arrogance.

Trinity Bible Church

280 Llagas Road, Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 www.trinitybiblechurch.org

Session 1 February 10, 2013

References used by permission of Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaker.net

Page 4 of 6

Donothingfromselfishambitionorconceit,butinhumilitycountothersmoresignificantthan
yourselves.Leteachofyoulooknotonlytohisowninterests,butalsototheinterestsofothers.
(Phil2:34).

Letnooneseekhisowngood,butthegoodofhisneighbor.(1Cor10:24)
[love]doesnotseekitsown,isnotprovoked,doesnottakeintoaccountawrongsuffered
(1Cor13:5NASB)

Conflict is a heart issue.

Secularconflictresolutiontellsyouthatpersonaldifferencesaresomethingyoucansimplytalkthrough.
Itmissesthebiblicalinsightthatsinfuldesiresoftentriggerdifferencesthatcanonlyberesolvedbya
changeofheart.13

The Destructive Effects of Conflict

(The Fire)

Thousandsofpeople,includingChristians,leavetheirjobs,neighborhoods,andfriendsevery
yearduetounresolvedconflict,withmanypeoplelefthurtingandscarredonallsides.
Parentsareestrangedfromchildrenandextendedfamily.TheydreadChristmasorotherfamily
gatheringsbecauseofalltheunresolvedconflict.
Familiesareshatteredandbrokenbydivorcebecauseofaninabilityorunwillingnessto
reconcile.
Peoplehategoingtoworkandloseahugeamountofproductivitybecauseofconflictandthe
fearofdealingwithit.
Seeminglylowlevelconflict(e.g.,gossip,complaining,judging,andunforgiveness)causes
discouragementanddrainstheenergyoutofaworkplaceorfamily.
Peopleareleftindespairhurt,lonely,angryandhopeless,believingtheresnowheretoturn.14

Trinity Bible Church

280 Llagas Road, Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 www.trinitybiblechurch.org

Session 1 February 10, 2013

References used by permission of Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaker.net

Page 5 of 6

Is There Hope?
Bythisallpeoplewillknowthatyouaremydisciples,ifyouhaveloveforoneanother.(Jn13:35).

Iinthemandyouinme,thattheymaybecomeperfectlyone,sothattheworldmayknowthatyousent
meandlovedthemevenasyoulovedme.(Jn17:23).

Can Differences and Disagreements Be Beneficial?

TheycanencourageustosearchtheScriptures(Psalm119:7172).
Theycanhelpusthinkcarefullyabouthowandwhatwethinkorwhatwebelieve(Proverbs
15:28).
Theycanhelpusworkharderatcommunicatingeffectively(Ephesians4:25).
Theycanproducematurityandendurance(James1:25).
Theycanhelpussharpenoneanother(Proverbs27:17).
TheycanstrengthenourfaithinthetruththatGodisworkingallthingstogetherforgood
(Romans8:2829).
Theygiveusopportunitytopracticeservanthoodandpreferringoneanother(Philippians2:23).
TheygiveusopportunitytoloveandglorifyGod(1Corinthians10:3132).15

Bekindtooneanother,tenderhearted,forgivingoneanother,asGodinChristforgaveyou.(Eph4:32).

ResolvingEverydayConflictStudyGuide,1.
ThePeacemaker,11.
3
ResolvingEverydayConflict,13.
4
ResolvingEverydayConflict,18.
5
ThePeacemaker,102.
6
ThePeacemaker,104.
7
ThePeacemaker,105.
8
ThePeacemaker,106.
9
ThePeacemaker,107.
10
DavidPowlison,JournalofBiblicalCounseling16,no.1,Fall1997,34.
11
ResolvingEverydayConflictStudyGuide,3.
12
ResolvingEverydayConflict,15.
13
ResolvingEverydayConflict,1819.
14
ResolvingEverydayConflictStudyGuide,4.
15
StuartScott,CommunicationandConflictResolution,21.
2

Trinity Bible Church

280 Llagas Road, Morgan Hill, CA 95037
408.782.1619 www.trinitybiblechurch.org

Session 1 February 10, 2013

References used by permission of Peacemakers Ministries
www.peacemaker.net

Page 6 of 6