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How Verbal Self-Defense Works
BY SUZETTE HADEN ELGIN
CULTURE ETIQUETTE & LANGUAGES
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Lots of people think verbal self-defense means fighting back. Their image of ver
bal self-defense is a collection of killer smart cracks plus strategies for usin
g language to wipe the floor with their opponents. It's not an accurate image.
In this edition of How Stuff Works, I'd like to show you a different way to rela
te to other people, especially when you disagree. Let's talk about it a minute.
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Why Verbal Self-Defense
It has undoubtedly happened to you. There you are, in the middle of a fierce arg
ument with someone, and suddenly you realize that you not only don't particularl
y care about the subject of the argument but you can't understand how you got in
to the altercation in the first place!
This isn't trivial. Hostile language is dangerous to your health and well-being;
it's toxic stuff. People who are frequently exposed to hostile language get sic
k more often, are injured more often, take longer to recover from illness and in
jury, and suffer more complications during recovery. As an obvious result, they
tend to die sooner than those not so exposed. What's more, hostile language is
just as dangerous to the person dishing it out (and to innocent bystanders who c
an't leave the scene) as it is to the person on the receiving end.
Obviously it's to your advantage to stay out of arguments in both your personal
and your professional life, unless something truly important -- something about
which you care profoundly -- is at stake. Even then, most of us are aware that i
t's possible to have intense discussions that don't turn into altercations. How
is it, then, that intelligent people keep finding themselves involved in argumen
ts almost by accident
The answer is pretty simple, and it's a relic of the days when humankind dealt w
ith sabertooth tigers at close range on a regular basis. One of the parts of you
r brain (the amygdala) is on constant duty, and one of its primary tasks is to s
can for danger. When it spots an incoming perception that meets its criteria for
danger, it has the ability to send a message that provokes an immediate fight-o
r-flight reaction, and it can do that without first going through the reasoning
part of your brain. It can literally short-circuit your thinking process. In the
sabertooth tiger days this was a good thing. You saw something vaguely big and
furry, and you either left the scene fast or threw your club. You acted first, a
nd then you thought about it, which increased your odds of survival a good deal.

This part of your brain can still be a good thing on those very rare occasions w
hen you do face imminent life-threatening sudden peril from tornadoes or terrori
sts or mad gun-toters. The problem is that it's just as likely to kick in when t
he only threat you face is some klutz who wants to argue about whether his compu
ter is more powerful than your computer. If the amygdala thinks the klutz is a t
hreat, it bypasses your reasoning brain -- and shortly you're thinking, I don't
even CARE whether my computer has more memory than this turkey's computer! How
the heck did I get INTO this And how the heck do I get OUT of it so I can get on
with my day This can happen to anybody now and then; we all just lose it someti
mes. But if it happens often, it's a grave threat to your well-being. It's a lot
more dangerous to you than most of the risk factors you spend time and money tr
ying to guard against. You need to know how to put an end to this nonsense.

a href=bookstore-gateway.htmisbn=0471157058a
In every aspect of our lives we have to deliver or respond to negative messages
at times--whether it's giving an employee a poor appraisal or disciplining a chi
ld or defending our political or religious beliefs from attack. But these simple
disagreements often degenerate unnecessarily into belligerent exchanges and poi
ntless arguments. Some say that human beings are born to argue and that language
is simply another weapon of survival. Suzette Haden Elgin heartily disagrees an
d in this new book shows how to disarm hostile language and radically improve co
mmunication with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Readers will learn a var
iety of proven techniques for conveying negative messages in a clear and asserti
ve manner, but without antagonistic and destructive language.
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