CHAPTER 11

RELATIONAL DIALECTICS
Outline
I.

Introduction.
A. Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery study the intimate
communication of close relationships.
B. They quickly rejected the idea of discovering scientific laws that order
the experience of friends and lovers.
C. They were struck by the conflicting tensions people face in
relationships.
D. They believe that social life is a dynamic knot of contradictions.
1. Their theory on romantic relationships parallels work on friendship
and family systems.
2. The basic premise is that personal relationships are a ceaseless
interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies.
3. Relational dialectics highlight the tensions in close personal ties.

II.

The tug-a-war dialectics of close relationships.

A. Contradiction is a core concept of relational dialectics.
1. Contradiction refers to the dynamic interplay between unified
oppositions.
2. Every personal relationship faces the tension between intimacy
and independence.
3. Paradoxically, bonding occurs in both interdependence with and
independence from the other.
B. Baxter and Montgomery draw heavily on Mikhail Bakhtin.
1. Bakhtin saw dialectical tension as the deep structure of all human
experience.
2. Unlike Hegelian or Marxist dialectical theory, Bakhtin's oppositions
have no ultimate resolution.
3. Dialectical tension provides opportunity for dialogue.
C. To avoid the anxiety Westerners experience with paradox, Baxter used
terms such as the tug-of-war in her research interviews.
D. Relational dialectics, is not referring to being of two mindsthe
cognitive dilemma within the head of an individual who is grappling
with conflicting desires. Instead shes describing the contradictions
that are located in the relationship between parties.
E. Dialectical tension is the natural product of our conversations
F. Baxter and Montgomery believe that these contradictions are
inevitable and can be constructive.

III.

Three dialectics that affect relationships.

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A. Although other theories emphasize closeness, certainty, and openness,

people also seek autonomy, novelty, and privacy.
1. Conflicting forces in relationships aren't reducible to either/or
decisions.
2. Their research has focused on three overarching dialectics:
integration-separation,
stability-change,
and
expressionnonexpression.
3. Dialectical tensions exist within a relationship (internal) and
between a couple and their community (external).
4. There is no finite list of relational dialectics.
B. Integration and separation.
1. This tension is a primary strain in all relationships.
2. If one side prevails, the relationship loses.
3. Within their social network, this tension is felt as inclusion pulling
against seclusion.
C. Stability and change.
1. Baxter and Montgomery acknowledge the need for both
interpersonal certainty and novelty.
2. In the couples relationship with others, this dialectic takes the
form of conventionality versus uniqueness.
D. Expression and nonexpression.
1. The pressures of openness and closedness wax and wane like
phases of the moon.
2. A couple also faces the revelation and concealment dilemma of
what to tell others.
IV.

RDT 2.0: Drilling down on Bakhtins concept of dialogue.

A. Baxters early emphasis with Montgomery was on contradictory forces
inherent in all relationships.
B. She now refers to the second generation of the theory as RDT 2.0.
C. Baxter has increasingly focused on the relational implications of
Mikhail Bakhtins conception of dialogue.
D. Baxter highlights five dialogical strands within Bakhtins thought.
Without dialogue, there is no relationship.
1. Dialogue as constitutiverelationships in communication
a. This dialogical notion is akin to the core commitments of
Symbolic Interactionism and Coordinated Management of
Meaning in that communication creates and sustains the
relationship.
b. A constitutive approach suggests that communication
creates and sustains a relationship.
c. Differences are just as important as similarities and both
are created and evaluated through dialogue.
2. Dialogue as utterance chainbuilding block of meaning
a. An utterance is what a person says in one conversational
turn.

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b. But, an utterance is embedded in an utterance chain of

things heard in the past and responses anticipated in the
future.
3. Dialogue as dialectical flux.
a. The contradictory forces are in an unpredictable,
unfinalizable, and indeterminate process of flux.
b. Rather than single binary contradictions, each relational
force is in tension with every other pole.
c. Two strategies to deal with the complexities include
spiraling inversion and segmentation.
4. Dialogue as an Aesthetic Moment.
a. Dialogue can be a momentary sense of unity through a
profound respect for the disparate voices in dialogue.
b. A meaningful ritual can be an aesthetic moment for all
participants because its a joint performance of normally
competing and contradictory voices,
5. Dialogue as a critical sensibility.
a. Dialogue is obligated to critique dominant, oppressive
voices.
b. Baxter opposes any communication practice that ignores
or gags anothers voice.
V.

Ethical reflection: Sissela Boks Principle of Veracity.

A. Bok rejects an absolute prohibition of lying
B. But she also rejects consequentialist ethics, which judge acts on the
basis of whether we think they will result in harm or benefit.
C. Her principle of veracity asserts that, truthful statements are
preferable to lies in the absence of special consideration.

VI. Critique: Meeting the criteria for a good interpretive theory?

A. Some scholars question whether relational dialectics should be
considered a theory at all as it lacks prediction and explanation, and
does not offer any propositions.
B. Baxter and Montgomery agree and offer dialectics as a sensitizing
theory.
C. Relational dialectics should be evaluated based on the interpretive
standards, on which it stacks up well.

Key Names and Terms

Dan Canary and Laura Stafford
Communication scholars from Arizona State University and Ohio State
University respectively who have suggested that long term relationship
satisfaction requires maintenance.
Leslie Baxter and Barbara Montgomery
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distribution without the prior written consent of McGraw-Hill Education.

Scholars from the University of Iowa and the Colorado State respectively,
who champion the relational dialectics approach to close relationships.
William Rawlins
A communication scholar at Ohio University who studies the
communicative predicaments of friendship.
Arthur Bochner
A communication scholar at the University of South Florida who focuses
on the complex contradictions within family systems.
Relational Dialectics
A dynamic knot of contradictions in personal relationships; an unceasing
interplay between contrary or opposing tendencies.
Internal Dialectics
The ongoing tensions played out within a relationship, including
integration-separation, stability-change, and expression-nonexpression.
External Dialectics
The ongoing tensions between a couple and their community, including
inclusion-seclusion,
conventionality-uniqueness,
and
revelationconcealment.
Integration/separation
A class of relational dialectics that includes connectedness-separateness,
inclusion-seclusion, intimacy-independence, and closeness-autonomy.
Stability/change
A class of relational dialectics that includes certainty-uncertainty,
conventionality-uniqueness, predictability-surprise, and routine-novelty.
Expression/nonexpression
A class of relational dialectics that includes openness-closedness,
revealation-concealment, candor-secrecy, and transparency-privacy.
Mikhail Bakhtin
A Russian intellectual who saw dialectical tension as the deep structure
of all human experience. Baxter and Montgomery draw heavily on his
work.
Dialogue
Communication that is constitutive, always in flux, capable of achieving
aesthetic moments.
Constitutive dialogue
Communication that creates, sustains, and alters relationships and the
social world; social construction.
Dialectical flux
The unpredictable, unfinalizable, indeterminate nature of personal
relationships.
Aesthetic moment
A fleeting sense of unity through a profound respect for disparate voices
in dialogue.
Utterance
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A portion of multivocal communication that affects and is affected by one

or more other voices in the conversation.
Spiraling inversion
Switching back and forth between two contrasting voices, responding
first to one pull, then the other.
Segmentation
A compartmentalization tactic by which partners isolate different aspects
of their relationship.
Critical sensibility
An obligation to critique dominant voices, especially those that suppress
opposing viewpoints; a responsibility to advocate for those who are
muted.
Sissela Bok
A Swedish-born philosopher and ethicist who developed the principle of
veracity.
Consequentialist ethics
Judging actions solely on the basis of their beneficial or harmful
outcomes.
Principle of veracity
Truthful statements are preferable to lies in the absence of special
circumstances that overcome their negative weight

Sample Application Log

Glinda

In discussing the ways in which couples deal with their various conflicting
needs, Baxter overlooked one that has come into play (dare I say) constantly in
my romances. I will name it inverse response cyclical alteration (Irca). Irca
means that each partner switches from one pole to the other, and their
position is inversely correlated to the direction that the other is pulling at that
moment. This sounds like it would create unbearable tension, but actually has
the effect of balancing out both extremes. When I am being predictable, my
boyfriend will do something completely unexpected. Then, when Im acting
completely out of character, he will slow me down with his desire for
predictability. And when all I want is to be alone, his desire for independence
will save us from over-indulgent self-destruction. So I will likely respond with
my own surge of independence; but as I pull away, my boyfriend will suddenly
seem to take every opportunity for connection. The Irca seems to keep a
relationship balanced, ever- changing, yet progressing at a slow and steady
pace.

Further Resources

For further information on relational maintenance and related issues, see:

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distribution without the prior written consent of McGraw-Hill Education.

o Daniel J. Canary and Marianne Dainton (Eds.), Maintaining

relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and
cultural variations. (Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Assoc., 2003)
o Daniel J. Canary and Laura Stafford, Communication and Relational
Maintenance (San Diego: Academic Press, 1994);
o Mary Claire Morr Serewicz, Fran C. Dickson, Thi Anh Huynh, Jennifer
Morrison, and Lori L. Poole. Family privacy orientation, relational
maintenance, and family satisfaction in young adults family
relationships, Journal of Family Communication, 7(2), 123-142.
o Steve Duck, Talking Relationships Into Being, Journal of Social and
Personal Relationships 12 (1995): 535-40;
o Steve Duck, Meaningful Relationships: Talking, Sense, and Relating
(Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 1994);
o Richard L. Conville, Evolution of Personal Relationships (New York:
Praeger, 1991);
o Brian H. Spitzberg, The Dark Side of Close Relationships (Mahwah, NJ:
Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 1998).
o Mary Claire Morr Serewicz, Fran C. Dickson, Thi Anh Huynh, Jennifer
Morrison, and Lori L. Poole. Family privacy orientation, relational
maintenance, and family satisfaction in young adults family
relationships, Journal of Family Communication, 7(2), 123-142.

In a edition of the Journal of Family Communication, Laura Stafford and Dan

Canary discussed their work in the area of relational maintenance. In
subsequent edition, others responded to their article and offered critiques
upon their body of research. To read the exchange:
o Laura Stafford and Daniel J. Canary (2007), Equity and
interdependence as predictors of relational maintenance strategies,
Journal of Family Communication, 6(4), 227- 254.
o J. Donald Ragsdale & Frances Brandau-Brown (2007), Could relational
maintenance in marriage really be like grocery shopping? A reply to
Stafford and Canary, Journal of Family Communication, 7(1), 47-60.
o Daniel J. Canary & Laura Stafford (2007), People wantand maintain
fair marriages: Reply to Ragsdale and Brandau-Brown, Journal of
Family Communication, 7(1), 61-68.
o J. Donald Ragsdale & Frances Brandau-Brown (2007), Asked, but not
answered: A second reply to Stafford and Canary, Journal of Family
Communication, 7(1), 69-73.

For discussion of feminist approaches to relationships, see Julia T. Wood,

Feminist Scholarship and the Study of Relationships, Journal of Social and
Personal Relationships 12 (1995): 103-20.
For a study that connects relational communication to cognitive complexity
(creating a link to chapter 8), see Robert Martin, Relational Cognition

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distribution without the prior written consent of McGraw-Hill Education.

Complexity and Relational Communication in Personal Relationships,

Communication Monographs 59 (1992): 150-63.
For a thorough study of intimacy, see Karen J. Prager, The Psychology of
Intimacy (New York: Guilford, 1995).
A good general collection of essays on relationships is Richard L. Conville
and L. Edna Rogerss The Meaning of Relationship in Interpersonal
Communication (Westport, CT: Praeger, 1998).
Films that feature relationships over time include:
o (500) days of Summer
o Annie Hall
o Love and Basketball
o PS I love you
o Ring of Fire
o Scenes from a Marriage
o Slumdog Millionaire
o Tender Mercies
o The Painted Veil
o The Story of Us
Other films relevant to this area of communication include The Big Chill, The
Four Seasons, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Break-up.

Other relevant essays by Baxter

A Tale of Two Voices: Relational Dialectics Theory. Journal of Family
Communication, 4 (3/4), 2004: 181- 193.
Relationships as dialogues. Personal Relationships, 11(1), 2004: 1- 22.

A Dialogic Approach to Relationship Maintenance, Communication and

Relational Maintenance, ed. Canary and Stafford, 257-73.
Dialectical Contradictions in Relationship Development, Journal of Social
and Personal Relationships 7 (1990): 69-88.
The Social Side of Personal Relationships: A Dialectical Perspective,
Social Context and Relationships (Understanding Relational Processes 3),
ed. Steve Duck (Newbury Park, CA: Sage, 1993), 139-65.

State-of-the-art research
Erin Sahlstein, a former graduate student of Baxter now at Univ. of
Nevada at Las Vegas, has worked extensively in the area of the dialectical
challenges in long-distances relationship. Some articles of interest to
review: Relating at a distance: Negotiating being together and being
apart in long-distance relationships Journal of Social & Personal
Relationships, 21(5), 2004: 689-710 or Making plans: Praxis strategies
for negotiating uncertainty-certainty in long-distance relationships.
Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 2006: 147- 165.
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distribution without the prior written consent of McGraw-Hill Education.

The particular challenges of stepfamilies have also come under

examination recently. Some articles to review include: Dawn O.
Braithwaite and Leslie Baxter, Youre my parent but youre not:
Dialectical tensions in stepchildrens perceptions about communication
with the nonresidential parent, Journal of Applied Communication, 34(1),
2006; 30-48 or Baxter, Dawn O. Braithwaite, and Leah Bryant,
Stepchildren's perceptions of the contradictions in communication with
stepparents. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 21(4), 2004: 447467.
Angela Hoppe-Nagao and Stella Ting-Toomey, Relational Dialectics and
Management Strategies in Marital Couples, Southern Communication
Journal 67 (Winter 2002): 142-59.
Dawn O. Braithwaite and Leslie Baxter, 'I Do' Again: The Relational
Dialectics of Renewing Marital Vows, Journal of Social and Personal
Relationships 12 (1995): 177-98.
Carol Masheter, Dialogues Between Ex-Spouses: Evidence of Dialectical
Relationship Development, Uses of STRUCTURE in Communication
Studies, ed. Richard L. Conville, 83-101.

Literary examples
If you enjoy using literature in your classroom,
o I highly recommend selections from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet. The
poems entitled On Marriage and On Love are particularly relevant
to the connectedness-separateness dichotomy.
o Although less well known, Denise Levertov's poem About Marriage,
in O Taste and See (New York: New Directions, 1962), artfully lends a
woman's perspective to Gibran's themes.
o Eudora Welty's pensive, subtle story The Bride of Innisfallen, which
can be found in The Collected Stories of Eudora Welty (New York:
Harcourt, 1982), 495-518, poignantly captures a young woman's
struggles with the openness-closedness and connectednessseparateness dichotomies.
o For your male students in particular, we recommend Patrick OBrians
extensive series of sea novels, which features the extroverted,
passionate, practical Captain Jack Aubrey and the introverted,
cerebral, scientifically minded Stephen Maturin, naval surgeon,
naturalist, and secret agent. Aubrey and Maturins complex, often
tense, always vibrant friendship, which is developed and nurtured in
vividly recorded dialogue, illustrates many dialectical elements and
demonstrates that long-term close relationships embodying Baxter
and Montgomerys approach need not be romantic or familial. The
first novel in the series is Master and Commander, which is also the
title of a popular film based on the series.

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 Two recent novels that provocatively engage the complexity of truth telling
and deception, particularly the constitutive power of the latter, are Peter
Careys My Life as a Fake (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2003) and Tobias
Wolffs Old School (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2003).

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distribution without the prior written consent of McGraw-Hill Education.