Life doesnt have to be so planned. Just roll with it and let it happen.

- Peter Kavinsky
Lets send Gogo a care package! Stuff she cant get over there.
I have to admit, its not a bad feeling, having a boy sweep you along, usher you
through crowds. Its the feeling of being cared for. Its kind of like walking in a
dream. Im still me and Peters still Peter, but everything around me feels fuzzy and
unreal, like the time Margot and I snuck champagne on New Years Eve.
We both get an allowanceKitty gets five dollars a week and I get twenty, but Kitty
always has more money than me. She saves everything like a wily squirrel. I dont
know where she keeps it, because she locks the door whenever she goes to take
any out of her stash
So Peter turns the car around and we go to the diner. We get a booth up front.
Whenever I used to come here with Margot and Josh, we would always sit in the
back near the jukebox so we could put coins in. Half the time the jukebox was
broken, but we still liked sitting near it. Its weird to be here without them. We have
so many traditions here.
Yup, I think thats judgey. I think youre judgey in general. Thats a character flaw
that you should work on. I also think you need to learn how to kick back and have
fun.
I shouldnt have to push you to want things. You should want them for yourself. You
need to take the initiative. Im not always going to be beside you to push you.
I mean, do you realize how important this year is, Lara Jean? Its kind of everything.
You dont get a do-over: this is junior year. I can feel tears and panic building up
inside me. If she asks me another question, it will be too much, and Ill cry. Hello?
Im still here. My voice comes out tiny, and I know Margot knows how close I am
to crying. She pauses. Look, you still have time, okay? I just dont want you to wait
too long and have all the good placements go to other people. Im just worried
about you is all. But everythings fine; youre still okay.
Maybe this is why Mommy told Margot not to go to college with a boyfriend. When
you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you only want to be with that person, and you
forget about everybody else, and then when the two of you break up, youve lost all
your friends. They were off doing fun stuff without you.
If you ever need a ride, you know you can call me. I nod. I do know that. I
wouldnt call him for myself, but I would for Kitty, in an emergency. I mean, I know
you have Kavinsky now, but Im right next door. Its way more convenient for me to
give you a ride to school than him. I mean, its more environmentally responsible. I
dont say anything, and Josh scratches the back of his neck. I want to say
something to you, but I feel weird bringing it up. Which is also weird, because weve
always been able to talk to each other.

Okay. I feel like . . . I feel like youve been avoiding me ever since . . . Hes going
to say it. Hes actually going to say it. I look down at the ground. Ever since Margot
broke up with me. My head snaps up. Thats what he thinks? That Im avoiding him
because of Margot? Did my letter really make that little of an impact? I try to keep
my face still and expressionless when I say, I havent been avoiding you. Ive just
been busy. With Kavinsky. I know. You and I have known each other a long time.
Youre one of my best friends, Lara Jean. I dont want to lose you, too.
Its the too thats the sticking point. The too is what stops me in my tracks. It
sticks in my craw. Because if he hadnt said too, it would be about me and him.
Not about me and him and Margot
Seventeens not so young. A hundred years ago people got married when they
were practically our age. Yeah, that was before electricity and the Internet. A
hundred years ago eighteenyear-old guys were out there fighting wars with
bayonets and holding a mans life in their hands! They lived a lot of life by the time
they were our age. What do kids our age know about love and life?
Margot would say she belongs to herself. Kitty would say she belongs to no one. And
I guess I would say I belong to my sisters and my dad, but that wont always be
true. To belong to someoneI didnt know it, but now that I think about, it seems
like thats all Ive ever wanted. To really be somebodys, and to have them be mine.
You said it was because I make people feel special. You
Its always been really important to me that other peoples moms like me.

Peters not like that. Hes really confident. Theyre the ones that care the most,

Josh and Lara tradition

y Josh-andLara Jean feeling is lost.

You act different around Kavinsky. Did you know that? I look up from sweeping the
broken ornament. No I dont. You dont act like you. You act like . . . like how all
girls act around him. Thats not you, Lara Jean.

I wasnt always with Margot. The stuff you wroteyou liked me before I ever liked
her. Why didnt you just tell me? I let out a breath. What does that even matter
now? It matters. You should have told me. You should have at least given me a
chance. It wouldnt have made a difference, Josh! And Im telling you it would
have! He steps toward me. Jerkily I rise to my feet. Why is he bringing this up now,
just when things are back to normal again? Youre so full of it. Youve never thought
of me that way, not ever, so dont go trying to reinvent history now when I have
somebody.

But then Margot yawns and says, Im really jet-lagged. I think Im going to take a
nap. When someones been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things
you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But its like
trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then
youre just clutching air and grit. Thats why you cant save it all up like that.
Because by the time you finally see each other, youre catching up only on the big
things, because its too much bother to tell about the little things. But the little
things are what make up life

Is this how people lose touch? I didnt think that could happen with sisters. Maybe
with other people, but never us. Before Margot left, I knew what she was thinking
without having to ask; I knew everything about her. Not anymore. I dont know what
the view looks like outside her window, or if she still wakes up early every morning

to have a real breakfast or if maybe now that shes at college she likes to go out
late and sleep in late. I dont know if she prefers Scottish boys to American boys
now, or if her roommate snores. All I know is she likes her classes and shes been to
visit London once. So basically I know nothing.

Peter and I are left standing in the lobby, neither of us saying anything. I finally ask,
Are you mad at me or something? Why would I be mad? And then its back to
quiet again. I say, You know, youre the one who talked me into coming on this trip.
The least you could do is talk to me. The least you could do was sit next to me on
the bus! he bursts out. My mouth hangs open. Are you really that mad that I didnt
sit next to you on the bus? Peter lets out an impatient breath of air. Lara Jean,
when youre dating someone, there are just . . . certain things you do, okay? Like sit
next to each other on a school trip. Thats pretty much expected.

He purses his lips. But do you get why I was pissed? I nod back. Mm-hmm. All
right then, you should know that you missed out on mocha sugar donuts. My
mouth falls open. Howd you get those? I thought the shop didnt open that early!
I went out and got them last night specifically for the bus ride, Peter says. For
you and me. Aw. Im touched. Well, are there any left?
Nope. I ate them all. He looks so smug that I reach out and swat at his hoodie
strings. You creep, I say, but I mean it affectionately. Peter grabs my hand mid-

swat and says, Wanna hear something funny? What? I think I started liking
you. I go completely still. Then I pull my hand away from his, and I start to gather
my hair into a ponytail, and then I remember I dont have a hair tie. My heart is
thudding in my chest and its hard to think all of a sudden. Stop teasing. Im not
teasing. Why do you think I kissed you that day at McClarens house back in seventh
grade? Its why I went along with this thing in the first place. Ive always thought
you were cute. My face feels hot. In a quirky way. Peter grins his perfect grin.
So? I guess I must like quirky, then. Then he leans his head closer to mine, and I
blurt out, But arent you still in love with Genevieve? Peter frowns. Why are you
always bringing up Gen? Im trying to talk about us, and all you want to do is talk
about her. Yeah, Gen and I have history. Im always going to care about her. He
shrugs. But now . . . I like you.
People are walking in and out of the lodge; a guy from school walks by and claps
Peter on the shoulder. What up, Peter says. When hes gone, Peter says to me, So
what do you say? Hes looking at me expectantly. Hes expecting me to say yes. I
want to say yes, but I dont want to be with a boy whose heart belongs to somebody
else. Just once, I want to be somebodys first choice. You might think you like me,
but you dont. If you did, you wouldnt still like her. Peter shakes his head. What
Gen and I have is completely separate from you and me, he says. How can that be
true when from the very first minute, this has been about Genevieve? Thats not
fair, he objects. When we started this thing, you liked Sanderson. Not anymore.
I swallow hard. But you still love Genevieve. Frustrated, Peter backs away from me
and runs his hands through his hair. God, what makes you such an expert on love?
Youve liked five guys in your life. One was gay, one lives in Indiana or Montana or
some place, McClaren moved away before anything could actually happen, one was
dating your sister. And then theres me. Hmm, what do we all have in common?
Whats the common denominator? I feel all the blood rush to my face. Thats not
fair. Peter leans in close and says, You only like guys you dont have a shot with,
because youre scared. What are you so scared of? I back away from him, right into
the wall. Im not scared of anything. The hell youre not. Youd rather make up a
fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person.
I glare at him. Youre just mad because I didnt die of happiness because the great
Peter Kavinsky said he liked me. Your ego really is that enormous. His eyes flash.
Hey, Im sorry I didnt show up on your doorstep with flowers and profess my
undying love for you, Lara Jean, but guess what, thats not real life. You need to
grow up. Thats it. I dont have to listen to this. I turn on my heel and walk away.
Over my shoulder I say, Enjoy the hot tub. I always do, he calls back.
How dare he say I need to grow up? What does he know about anything? As if hes
so mature! But . . . is he right about me? Do I only like the boys I can never have?
Ive always known Peter was out of my reach. Ive always known he didnt belong to
me. But tonight he said he liked me. The thing Ive been hoping for, he said it. So
why didnt I just tell him I liked him back when I had the chance? Because I do. I like

him back. Of course I do. What girl wouldnt fall for Peter Kavinsky, handsomest boy
of all the Handsome Boys. Now that I really know him, I know hes so much more
than that. I dont want to be afraid anymore. I want to be brave. I want . . . life to
start happening. I want to fall in love and I want a boy to fall in love with me back.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I put on my puffy coat, slip my keycard in my
pocket, and head off to the hot tub.

Kitty jumps up and runs upstairs, and I think shes going to her room to cry in
private. I know what I should do. I should go comfort her, forgive her for real. Its my
turn to be the good example. To be the good big sister.