100Jokes

fewyearsagoRichardWisemanwentinsearchoftheworld'sfunniest
jokeThresults
are
described
ihibookQuirkology.
Here
are
thfirst
1001cleanjokessubmittedintothedatabase.
Enjoy.....
37
Isitrue
thacannibalsdon't
eat
clownsbecausetheytastefunny?
38
What
kindofpig
can
you
ignoreaparty?A
wildbore.
39
Whatkindofmurdererhasfiber?A
cerealkiller.
44
manwalkingdownthestreetsseesanothermanwithaverybigdog.
Onemansays
totheother,"Doesyourdogbite",themanreplies"Nomydogdoesn't"Themanpatsthedog
andhashishandbitten
off,
"thought
yousaidyourdogdidn'tbite"saidtheinjuredman.
"Thatsnotmydog",repliedtheother.
45
Q:What'sthedifferencebetween
shoping
trolley
andUniversity
vicechancellor?
A:Youfillthem
bothupwithasmuchfoodandalcoholyoucan,butit'sonlytheshopping
trolleythathasamindofitsown.
46
QHow
doyou
catchpolarbear?
A.Youcutaholeintheiceandyouputpeasallroundtheedgeandwhenthepolarbear
comesalongandstopsforapea,youkickitintheicehole.

47
WhydoMarxistslikefruit
infusions?
Becausealpropertea
is
theft!
48
What
wasborn
tosucceed?
budgiewithabluntbeak.
49
Threebudgiesinacage,oneonthetopperch,oneonthemiddleandoneonthe
bottom
perch.
WhichBudgieownsthecage?
Theoneonthebottom
perch,theothertwoareonhigherperches.
50
what
doyou
call
flywithnowings?
walk.

51
Whatdoyoucallateacherwithnoarms,nolegs,andnobody?
ThHead...
52
Q:Why
shouldyou
neveriron
fourleafclover?
A:Youshouldneverpressyourluck!
53
What'sETshortfor?
Becausehe'sgot
littlelegs.
54
An8--year--old
girlwentto
hedad,
who
was
working
ithe
yard.
Sheaskedhim,"Daddy,whatissex?"
Thfather
was
surprisethatshwould
asksucaquestion,
but
decidethatif
shiold
enough
to
askthe
question,
then
she
iold
enougto
getastraightanswer.
Hproceeded
to
tellher
allaboutthe
'birds
and
the
bees'.When
hefinishedexplaining,thelittlegirlwaslookingathim
with
hermouthhangingopen.Thefatheraskedher,"Whydidyouask
thisquestion?"Thelittlegirlreplied,"Mom
toldmetotellyouthatdinner
wouldbereadyin

just
coupleofsecs."
55
Diyouhear
aboutthe
ice--cream
man,hewasfounddeadinhisice--cream
van,
covereichocolate
saucanhundreds--and--thousands?
The
police
said
thathhad
?topped?himself.
56
Whatliesonthebottom
oftheoceanandshakes?A
nervouswreck.
57
Two
cannibals
are
sitting
around
eating
aclown.
One
clown
says
to
the
other,
"Doesthistastefunnytoyou?"
58
pieceofstraight,cleanstringgoesintoabarandordersaginandtonic.Thebarmanservesthed
rink,thestringdownsitandwalksout.Tenminuteslateradirty,twisted,raggedpiecofstrin
g
walksintthbar.
"Here
--are
yothapiecofstring
thawashere
ten
minutesago?"asksthebarman--"No"repliesthestring"I'afrayedknot"
59
therearethesetwosausagessizzling
in
frying
pantheoneturnstotheotherand

says"gees,it'shotinhere"andthesecondoneturnsaroundandgoes"AAAAH!,atalking
sausage".
60
--whadidthgrape
say
whethelephantrodoit?
--Nothing,
ijust
gavlittlwine.
61
manwalksintoabarandisabouttoorderadrinkwhenhenoticesVanGoghplayingthefruitmachin
e.Hecallsover,"Hey,VanGogh!
Wantadrink?"
and
Van
Gogreplies,
"Nothanks.
I'vegot
one'ere."

62
Thereweretwocowsinafield.
Onesaid"moo",theotheronesaid"Iwasgoingtosay
that!"
64
What
didthelandlordsayashethrew
Shakespeareout
ofhispub?
"You're
Bard!"
65
threeleggeddogwalksintoaSaloonintheWildWest,thebarmanaskshim
whathe
wants.
Thedogreplies"I'lookingfothemanthatshotmypaw"
66
TwoowlsareplayinginthefinaloftheOwlPoolChampionship.Itcomesdownto
thelastframe.Oneoftheowlsisjustabouttoplayhisshot,whenhiswing
accidentally
touchesball.
"That'twhits,saythotherowl.
"Twhittwho?saythfirst.
67
Anatom
walksintoabarandasksthebartenderifhe'sseenhismissingelectron.
"Areyousureshe'smissing",asksthebartender.
"I'positive",repliestheatom.
(this
idefinitely
ajoke
foscience--mindedpeopleonly)
68
Patient:"DoctorIkeephearing"Thegreen,greengrassofhome"inmyhead.
Doctor
"That's
calledtheTom
JonesSyndrome"
Patient:"Isitcommon?"
Doctor
"It's
notunusual
69
Twoaerialsmetonaroof,fellinloveandgotmarried.
Theceremonywasrubbishbutthereceptionwasbrilliant.

70
Didyouhearaboutthedyslexicagnosticinsomniac
?
Hused
to
lie
awake
atnightwonderingif
there
was
aDog!
71
What
doyou
call
donkeywith3legs?
Wonky
72
What?sbrown
andsticky?
stick
73
horsewalksintoabar.Thebartendersays:"Whythelongface?"
74
Buddhistwalksuptoahotdogvendorandsays"Makemeonewitheverything."
75
mushroom
walksintoabar.Thebartendersaystothemushroom."Heywedon't
serveyourkindhere."Themushroom
says"whynotI'afunguy"
76
Whatdidthemayonnaisesaytotherefrigerator?

"Closethedoor!Can'tyouseeI'dressing?"
77
PATIENT..Doctor,peoplekeepignoringme.
DOCTOR...Nextplease.
78
QWhat'sthedifferencebetween
buffaloandbison?
A.Youcan'twashyourhandsinabuffalo.
79
--How
londidCain
hatehisbrother?
--?
--Aslongashewasable...
80
gradstudent,apost--doc,
and
aprofessor
are
walking
through
acity
parkand
they
findanantiqueoillamp.TheyrubitandaGeniecomesoutinapuffofsmoke.
ThGenisays,
"usually
only
grantthree
wishes,
sI'llgiveacoyojustone."
"Mefirst!Mefirst!"saysthegradstudent."IwanttobeintheBahamas,drivingaspeedboat
withagorgeouswomanwhosunbathestopless."Poof!He'sgone.
"Mnext!Mnext!"
saythpost--doc."wantbiHawaii,
relaxing
othbeacwita
professional
huldanceroonside
andMaTaothother."
Poof!He'sgone.
"You're
next,thGenisaytthprofessor.
Thprofessosays,
"wantthose
guybackithe
labafter
lunch."
81

penguinwalksintoastoreandaskstheteller,"Doyouhaveanygrapes?"
"No."Hereplies.
Thissamethinghappensthenextday.Onthethirddaythetellerreplies,"
No,andifyoucomeinaskingforgrapesagainIwillnailyourflipperstothe
floor!"
On
the
nexthpenguiwalkianasks,Goannails"No.Repliethteller.
"Goangrapes!"
Thpenguiasks!
82
"Igotthatjobdownthebowlingalley","Whattenpin","Noit'spermanent"
83
mangoesintothedoctorwithapenguin
ohishead.
Thdoctor
says
"Whatcan
dfoyou?"
and
the
penguisays
"welldoc,itstartedasthisgrowthonmyfoot..."
84
mangoestothedoctorandsays"Doctor,ithurtswhenIdothis",andraiseshisarm.
"Welldon'dithen"says
the
doctor.
86
Q:DidyouhearabouttheIceCream
Salesmanthatwasfounddeadinhisstore
covereichocolate
saucansyrup?
A:Policethinkhetoppedhimself!
87
Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
--1tholdthegiraffeandonetofillthebathtubwithbrightlycolouredmachinetools.

88
Threevampiresaresittingatabar.
Bartenderasksthefirstonewhathewants.
"I
thinkI'llhaveaglassofblood."
"Okay,what'llyouhave?"heasksthesecondvampire."That
soundsgood.
I'llhaveaglassofbloodtoo."
"AndwhatcanIgetforyou?"heasksthethird
vampire.
"I'llhaveaglassofplasma"saidthethirdvampire.
"Okay,"saidthebartender,
"That'twbloodanbloolightthen."
89
polarbearwalksintoabarandthebarmansays,"whatwouldyouliketodrink?".
Thpolar
bear
hangs
hihead
and
sighdeeply
and
then
sayss
"I'llhave
apintobitter
barman".
Thebarmanlooksatthebearandsays"whythebigpaws?"
90
What
doesaagnostic,dyslexic,insomniacdo?
Stayualnighwondering
ithere
iDog.
91
termitewalksintoacocktaillounge,andasksacustomer,"Isthebartenderhere?"
92
mangoestothevetabouthisdog'sfleas.Thevetsays"I'sorry,I'llhaveto
putthis
dogdown".
Themanisincredulousandaskswhy,andthevetsays
"becaushifartoheavy."
93
AnEnglishman,anIrishmanandascotsmanwalkintoabar,thebarmanasks,"Isthisa
joke?"
94
guygoestotheDoctorsandhesays"Doctor,I'reallyworriedaboutmybrother,he

thinkshe'sHen!"
TheDoctorsays"wellhaveyoutakenhim
toseeapsychiatrist?",andtheguysays"Don'tbe
stupid,
we
neethe
eggs!"
95
groupofChessenthusiastswerekickedoutofahotelreception
fodiscussintheir
winninggames.
Themanagercan'tstandchessnutsboastinginanopenfoyer.
96
brainandapairofjumpleadswalksintoabar.Thebrainorderstwopintsfrom
the
barmanbutthebarmanrefusestoservehim.Whenaskedwhy,thebarmanreplies"Well
you'rclearly
outoyouheadanyoufrienthere
looks
aihe'aboutto
start
something"
97
Thepolicearrestedtwomen,onefordrinkingbatteryacidandtheotherforeatingfire
crackers.
Thechargeonanlettheotheronoff.
98
manwenttoahorsebreederandsaid,Iwantthathorse.Thebreedersaidthathorse
aintlookingsogood,butthemanstillwantedtobuyit,sohedid.Thenextdayhecameback
withthehorseandsaid,yousoldmeablindhorse,thebreederrepliedtoldyou
that
horse
aint
looking
sogood
99
Two
hikers
were
walking
through
the
woods
when
they
noticed
abear
charging
towardsthem
inthedistance.Thefirsthikerremovedhistrailbootsandbegantolaceuphis

runningshoes.The
seconhiker
laughed
and
said,
"Why
bother
changing
outoyouboots?
You
can't
outrun
bear."
Thefirst
hikerreplied,
"don't
havetooutrun
thebear,
only
have
tooutrun
you."
100
Beforeyoucriticizesomeone,walkamileintheirshoes.
Then
when
yodcriticize
them,you'llbeamileawayandhavetheirshoes.
101
manonabusinesstripisstayinginahigh--rise
hotelwith
abar
onthe
topfloor.
Aftercheckinginandseeinghisroom,hedecidestogoupstairs.
There'sonlyoneother
patroninthebar.
Thebusinessmanordersadrinkandthenwatchesinsurpriseastheotherpatronquicklyeatsano
range,chugshisbeer,andjumpsoutthewindow.minutelater,themanreturns.
Thebusinessmanisshockedtoseehim
againeatanorange,
chughisbeerandthenjumpoutthewindow.Whenthemanreturnsathirdtime,thebusinessmandec
ideshecandothis,too.
Heeatsan
orange,chugshisbeer,thenjumpsoutthewindowtohisdeath.Thebartenderturnstothemanand
says,"Youknow,Superman,you'rearealjerkwhen
you'rdrunk."
102
Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
Two,
onto
dit,
and

another
to
hold
the
fish.
103
Asafuneraltrainpassesbyagolfcourse,agolferononeofthegreensstops,
stands
aattentiowithaheloverhiheart
athhearse
goebyThehegoesbacktolininguphisputt.
Hisplayingpartnerremarkshowthatwasthe
nicesgesture
he'everseentshosucrespect
forthdeadThfirst
golfersinkhiputt
andsays,
"Well,
shewasgoodwifeforsixteen
years."
104
womanhastwinboysandgivesthem
upforadoption.OnegoestoafamilyinEgypt,
andisnamed"Amahl."TheothergoestoafamilyinSpainandisnamed"Juan."Yearslater,
Juansends
apictureofhimselftohisbirthmom.Uponreceivingthepicture,shetellsherhusbandthatshe
wishesshealsohadapictureofAmahl.Herhusbandresponds,"Butthey
areidenticaltwins.Ifyou'veseenJuan,you'veseenAmahl.
105
What
doyou
call
aboomerangthatdoesn'tcomeback?
stick.
106
Manwalkingdownthestreetmeetsafriendwhohasalobstertuckedunderhisarm."Areyoutaking
thatlobsterhometodinner?"heasks.
"No,"saysfriend,"he'shadhisdinner
andnowI'takinghim
tothpictures".
107
manissatathomewatchingT.V.whenhehearsaknockatthedoor.Themangetsupandanswersthedo
or,tohisastonishmentthereisasnailatthedoor.Thesnailsays"cani
sellyousomedoubleglazing."Towhichthemanreplies"no"andkickshim
downthestreet.
Twoweekslaterthereisanotherknockatthedoor.Themananswersitanditisthesnail
again.
Thesnail
then
say

"what
didyou
dothat
forthen."

108
Patient:"Doctor,DoctorIthinkI'apairofcurtains."
Doctor:"Pullyourselftogetherman."
109
Patient:
DrD--Ican'tgetthissongoutofmyheadandit'sdrivingmemad.
Ican't
stophumming"It'sGoodtoTouchtheGreenGreenGrassofHome"
Doctor:
"Hmm,soundslikeTom
JonesSyndrome"
PatientNever
heard
oit"
Doctor
"Wellit's
notunusual..."
110
ExtrastrongmintandMarsbararehavingadrinkinthepub.
Extrastrongmintsays
toMarsBar,`I'thehardestmintintownme!No--one'sharderthanme!'.
Withthat,thebar
doorswing
open
andinwalksaHallsmint.
Marsbarturnsaroundandextrastrongmintis
quiveringunderthetable.
Marsbarsays,`Hangonaminute,Ithoughtyouwerethehardest
mintintown?!'.
Extrastrongmintsays,`Imightbehard,buthe'smenthal!'
111
Q.Whdo
cowshavbells
A.Becausetherehornsdontwork
112
ThreeAmericanIndianwomeninthewildwestareabouttogivebirth.
Oneislyingon
abuffaloskin;oneislyingonamooseskin;andoneislyingonahippopotamusskin.
Thefirst
womangivesbirthtoaboy.
Thesecondgivesbirthtoagirl.
Andthethirdgivesbirthtoaboy
andagirl.
Andthisproves...thesquawofthehideofthehippopotamusisequaltothesum
othe
squaws
othe
other
two
hides!

113
Guwalks
into
the
doctor's
with
strawberry
growing
outohihead.
Doctorsays'Icangiveyousomecream
forthat'.
114
mangoestoadiner.Onthemenuitsays,"BreakfastServedAnytime"so,whenthe
waitresscomesheordersFrenchToastduringtheRenaissance!
115
Q:WhathappenstoComposerswhentheydie.
A:Theydecompose
116
2atomsweretalking,1atom
saidtotheother"whyareyoucrying?"theatom
replied
"I'velostanelectron",thefirstatom
said"areyousure?","yes"repliedtheother"I'm
positive!"
117
Twomenjumpoutofaplane.OneisholdingaBudgerigar,theotherisholdinga
Parrotanshot--gun.Astheyfallawayfrom
theplanethemanholdingthebudgieletsitgo.
momentlaterthemanwiththeParrotletsgoofhisbirdandtakesalameshotatitwiththe
shotgun.
Theboth
hitthe
floor.
Intheirdyingmoments,oneturnstotheotherandsays,"Idon'tthinkmuchofthis
Budgiejumping"
Theotherdyingmanturnstohim
andreplies,"No,idon'tthinkmuchofthishighaltitude
paratchuting!."

118
drunk
driverisstop
forheading
thwrong
waoone--waystreet.
Thpolice
officeasked
the
drivedidn'tyosethe
arrows.
Thedrinkresponds,"Arrows,Icouldn'tevenseetheIndians.
119
mantookhisdogtothevet."Sorry,"
saidthvet"buyourdog
isdead".
Distraught
manasksthevetforasecondopinion----thvebringsithpractice
catCat
sniffsaround--noresponsefrom
dog.
Vetsays"sorry,butyourdogisdead".
Maninsistsonathirdopinion,
svet
bringsin
thepracticelabrador.
Practicedog
sniffsaround----noresponsefrom
man's
dog.
Reluctantlythemanacceptshisdogisdead.
Onthewayout,thereceptionistgiveshim
a
bill
for1000.
"Goodgrief,what
isthisfor?
"Well,
saidthereceptionist,
"it'5forthvet,
300forthecatscan
and600forthelareport.
120
whatgamedoyouplaywithawombat?
answer--wom
121
amanwalksintoashopandsays"i'dliketobuyawasp,please."
theshopkeeperreplies"i'sorry,sir,wedon'tsellwasps."
"but,"saystheman"youhaveoneinthewindow."
122
whitehorsewalkedintoapubandorderedalager.

Thelandlordputthedrinkon
thebarandsaid'We'vegotawhiskynamedafteryou'.
Thehorsereplied'what,Eric?'.
123
Whilerobbingahome,aburglarhearssomeonesay,"Jesusiswatchingyou."Tohis
relief,herealizesitisjustaparrotmimickingsomethingithadheard.
Theburglaraskstheparrot,"What'syourname?"
Thparrotsays,
"Moses."
Thburglar
goeoto
ask,"WhatkindofapersonnamestheirparrotMoses?"
Theparrotreplies,"ThesamekindofpersonthatnameshisRottweilerJesus."
124
Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
Onlone,
buthelight
bulb'sgot
towantochange.
125
WherecanyoufindaMozambique.
Onamozam--bird!
126
Q:What'sbrown
andsticky?
A:A
stick.
127
mangetsknockeddownbyatruck.
guysaystohim
areyoucomfortable.
HesaysImakealiving!
128
Whydoeschicken
coop
have2doors?
Becauseifhad4doorsit
wouldbechicken
sedan.
129
QWheredoyou
keep
babape?

A.Inanapricot.
130
What
doyou
call
cow
in
paddock
withonlytworight
legs...
LeanBeef
131
Kid"Mummy!Mummy!Thereisamanwithabillatthedoor"
Mother"Dontbesillydear,itmustbeaduckwithahaton!"
132
Q:What
doyou
calfly
withnowings?
A:A
walk
133
shipwrecksurvivorwashesuponthebeachofanislandandisimmediately
surroundedbyagroupofnativewarriors.
"I'donefor",themancriesindespair.
"Noyouarenot,"comesaboomingvoicefrom
theheavens.
"Listencarefully,anddoexactly
asIsay.
Grabthespearfrom
theonewhoisbesideyouandshoveitthroughtheheartofthe
chief."
Themandoesso,andtheremainderofthebandstareindisbelief.
"Now,what?"theman
askstheheavens.
"Nowyoare
donfor."
134
Two
caterpillars
were
crawling
along
aleaf
when
abutterfly
flewpast
overhead.
One

caterpillar
turned
to
the
other
onand
said:
"You'llnever
getmeupinoneofthosethings!"
135
manwalksintoachipandasksforfishandchipstwiceplease.
Themanbehindthecountersays"Iheardyouthefirsttime"
136
Iwasinthewaitingroom
ofmydoctor'sofficetheother
day
when
the
doctor
started
yelling,"Typhoid!
Tetanus!
Measles!"
wenutthnurse
andaskedherwhathhelwasgoinon.
Shetoldmethatthedoctorlikedtocalltheshots.
137
Whyisatractormagic?
Becauseit
cagodown
roadandturn
intofield!
138
?Sally,canyouspell?water?forme??Theteacherasked.
HIJKLMN0answeredSallypromptly
Heteacher
lookpuzzled.?Thatdoesn?tspell?water.???Sure
itdoes,?said
Sally.?It?s
allthe
lettersfrom
HtoO.?
139
manwalksintoabarandnotices
two
pieceobeef
nailed
to
the
ceiling.

Hasks
the
barmanwhythey'rethere."It'sacompetition.Ifyoucanclimbupthereandgetthosebitsof
meatdownyou'llgetfreedrinksallnight.Butifyoutryandfailthenyou'llhavetobuya
round
foreveryoneinthepub.Doyoufancyhavingago?"Themanhasalong,hardlookat
theceiling
beforesaying,
"No,
I'll
just
havepint
thanks.
Thesteaksaretoohigh."

140
Close
your
eyes.Darkisn'tit?
141
WhydidLudwig
v.
Beethoven
kill
histwoducks?
--Thewouldn't
stop
saying
"Bach
bach"allthetime..
142
Whatisgreenandifitweretofallfrom
atreewouldkillyou?A
snookertable
143
whydon't
polarbearseat
penguines?
becausetheycan't
get
thewrappersoff...
144
skeletonwalksintoapubandsays,"Pintofbitterandamop."
152
Doctor,Doctor,Ican?tpronouncemyF?s,T?sandH?s.?
?Well
you
can?t
sayfairerthan
that
then?
154
WhatdidthebirdsayasitflewoverASDA?"CheapCheap"
155
Foalaugh
three
frenchsoldiersputmustardintheirearsfrom
thenontheyarecalled
thethreemustardears!!!

156
blondegirl'shusbandbuysheramobilephone.Shetakesitoutandhedecidesto
test
it
out.
Hephonesherandsheanswersit.
"It'very
good,shsays"buhodiyoknowaathhairdressers?"
157
manwalksintoabarandordersapint.Thenhehearslittlevoicessayingthingslike
'Oooh,youlookreallynice'and'Thathaircutreallysuitsyou'.Hetellsthebarmanaboutit
whosays'Justignoreit,it'sthepeanuts,they'recomplimentary'.
195
ANardvarkwalksintoabarandthebartendersayswhythelongface.
196
aworriedmangoestoseehispriest.
"Father,Iam
worried.Ithinkthatmywifeistryingtopoisonme."
Saithpriest:"Holdonmyson,letmetalktoyourwifeandcomebacktoseemetomorrow,
thenIshallbeabletogiveyousomeadvice."
Thefollowingdaythemanagingcomedtohispriestwhotellshim:"Wellmyson,Ihave
talkedtoyourwifefornearlytwohours.
Madvistyoi:Takthpoison"
197
Q.Whydidthekoalafalloutofthetree?A.Becauseitwasdead
Q.Whydidthesecondkoalafalloutofthetree?A.Becauseitwasholdingontothefirstkoala.
QWhy
didthethirdkoala
fall
out
ofthetree?A.Becausehethoughtitwasagame.Q.Whydidthelittleboyfalloffhisbike?A.Beca
usehewashitbythreekoalas.
198
horsewalksintoabar,thebartenderturns&asksthehorsewhatswiththelong
face.

199
AnEnglishman,anAustralianandanAmericanwalkintoabar.Thebarmanasksthem
"ithijoke?"
200
manputonacleanpairofsockseverydayoftheweek.
ByFridayhecouldhardly
gehishoeon.
201
Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Justone
----buthlighbulreally
hastwantchange.
202
What
doyou
get
when
you
pourboiling
waterdown
rabbit
hole?
Hotcross
bunnies.
203
Didyouhearaboutthetermitewhowalkedintoanall--wooden
barandasked,
"Isthe
bartenderhere?"
204
Thdoctor
says
to
the
patient,
"You're
iexcellenthealth
--you'llivtb90."
Thepatientreplies,"ButDoctor,Iam
90!"
Thedoctoreresponds,"Well,that'sit,then."
205
thereare3wiveswhowantodecidewhat
towear.
first
onesays,myhusbandhasblackhairIwillwerablackdree.secondsaysmyhusbandhairisgreyand
Iwillwearagreydresand
the

third
ongets
worried
and
starts
panicking.
when
asked
shtells
the
other
two
that
herhusbandisbaldsoshewouldhavetowearnothing
to
the
party.
206
WhatwillPostmanPatbecalledwhenheretires?
Pat
207
Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?answer:hewasdead
208
porkPiewalksintoaPubandsays'Illhaveapintplease',towhichthelandlord
replies
--'sorry
we
dontservfood'.
209
mantookhisRottweilertothevetandsaidtohim,"Mydogscross--eyed.
Ithere
anything
you
cadoforit?"
"Well",saidthevet,"Let'shavealookathim."Sohepicksthedogupbytheearsandhasa
goolooaiteyes.
"Well,"Saysthevet,"I'goingtohavetoputhim
down."
"Just
becaushe'cross--eyed?"saidtheman.
"Nobecaushe'heavy,saithvet.
210
GeorgeHoward,themanfamousforwritingtheHokeyPolkydiedlastweek.
Theyhad
ahorribletimeat
thefuneral
parlor,
first
they
puhisleft
leg

in....
211
mandiedandhiswifephonedthenewspapertoplaceanobituary.Shecalledtheobituarydepartm
entandsaid,"ThisiswhatIwanttoprint:Bernieisdead."Themanatthe

newspapersaid"Butfor$25youareallowedtoprintsixwords."Thewomananswered,"OK.
Theprint:
Bernie
idead.
Toyotafosale."
212
Sadie'shusbandJakehasbeenslippinginandoutofacomaforseveralmonths,yethis
faithfulwife
stays
by
hibedside
day
andnight.Onenight,Jakecomestoandmotionsforher
tocomecloser.Hesays,"MySadie,youhavebeenwithmethroughallthebadtimes.WhenIgotfire
d,youweretheretosupportme.Whenmybusinessfailed,youwerethere.WhenIgotshot,
youwere
bymyside.Whenwelostthehouse,yougavemesupport.Whenmyhealthstartedfailing,youweres
tillbymyside.Youknowwhat,Sadie?""Whatdear?"sheasked
gently"thinyou're
baluck."
213
littleboywentuptohisfatherandasked:"Dad,wheredidallofmyintelligence
comefrom?"Thefatherreplied:"Well,son,youmusthavegottenitfrom
yourmother,'cause
Istillhavemine."
214
Whyisthenumbereightafraidofthenumberseven?Becauseseven
atenine.
215
neutronwalksintoabar,andsays"Givemeabeer."
Thbartender
says
"HeyNeutron!
Foyo--ncharge!"
216
Onemorning,agirlsaystohermum,"DoesGoduseourbathroom?"
Hermum
replies,"Nodear,whydoyouask?"Thelittlegirlsays,"Well,everymorningdaddy
say'OGodaryostillithere!"
217
mandrivingintotownspotsatruckbrokendownonthesideoftheroad.Hestopstohelp.Thetruck
driversaysheisonhiswaytodeliversomepenguinstothezoo.Thetruckdrivesay,
"I'llgive
yousomecashifyoucouldtakethepenguinstothezooforme."Theman
agrees.
Later,whenthetruckisfixed,thetruckdriverdrivesintotownandspotsthemanclosetothezo
o,walkingwitharowofpengiunswaddlingbehindhim,awayfrom

thezoo.
Thtruckdriverstopsandasks,"Whatareyoudoing?Igaveyoumoneytotakethepenguins
tothezoo?"
Themanreplies.,"Idid,butwegotchangesowe'regoingtothemovies!"
218
Wheredosheep
get
theirhaircut?
AttheBah--Bah--Shop.
219
What
doyou
get
ifyoucrossfrostythesnowmanwithcountdracula?Frostbite
220
DidyouhearaboutthetwomaggotswhowerefightingindeadEarnest?
221
What
doyou
call
woodpeckerwithout
beak?
Headbanger
222
weredocomputersgoonhoilday?thebigapple

223
Q:How
doyou
catchuniquerabbit?
A:Uniqueuponit.
Q:Howdoyoucatchatamerabbit?
A:Thetameway.
224
whydidthechicken
crosstheroad?
Tgetto
the
other
side...
225
Two
sailors
are
eating
biscuits
together.
One
breaks
abiscuitand
two
bugs,
onlarge
andonesmall,jumpoutandrunacrossthetable.
Thesailoraskshismate,"Now,isitbetter
toeatthebigoneorthesmallone?"
Theotherreplied,"Theanswerissimple:youmust
alwayschoosethelesseroftwoweevils."
226
Didyouhearaboutthedyslexic,agnosticinsomniac?Heliesawakeallnightlong,
wondering
iftherereallyisdog.
227
WhatdidtheBuddhistsaytothehotdogvendor?"Makemeonewitheverything."
228
what
didthe0saytothe8?
Nicebelt!
229
Wherewouldyou
findtortoisewithnolegsWhereveryou
left
it

230
Whydidthesquirrel
fall
out
ofthetree?
Iwasdead.
Whydidthesecondsquirrel
fall
out
ofthetree?
Itthoughtitwasagame.
Whydidthetreefall
over?
Ithought
iwasquirrel!
231
sandwichwalksintoabarandordersabeerandthebarmansays"I'sorrywe
don'tserve
food"
232
What'sbrown
andsitson
pianobench?
Answer:
Beethoven'sLastMovement
233
Bob
issitting
in
barnext
togunamedClark.
Clarkgetshisusualanddrainsithe
thenturnstoBobandsays,"IbetyouIcanjumpoftheroofandloattotheground."
Bobsays
"okaygoforit."
Soclarkjumpsandfloatstotheground.
SoBoborderswhatclarkjusthad
andtriestojumpandfloat.
SohejumpsandSPLAThehitsthegroundanddies.
Clarkwalks
backinthebarandthebarkeepsays"YouknowSupermanyou'rereallymeanwhenyour
drunk!"
Rimshot!!

234
Diyouhear
thatthey
dugupBeethoven's
body
lastweek?They
foundhim
decomposing.
235
whatdoaneagleandalionhaveincommon?
theybothhavewings,
except
forthelion.
236
howdoyougetapikachuontoabus?youpokemon
237
Whydidtheworkergetfiredfrom
theorangejuicefactory?Becausehecouldn't
concentrate
238
What
doyou
call
donkeywiththreelegs?
wonkey.
239
Whatdoyoucallamaninabush?
Russell.
240
manwalksintoabarandsays--"ouchthatshot",ItwasaBARbeque.
241
Theresatoiletonahill.Thereisamanwalkingupthehillandamanwalkingdown
andamaninthetoilet.Whataretherenationalitys?themangoingupisRussinandthemangoingd
ownisfinishanandthemaninthetoiletis
european.
242
QWhy
didthechicken
crosstheplayground?
A.Togettothotherslide.
243
whatdomexicanskeepunderthecarpet?Underlay!Underlay!Underlay!
244
NewspaperHeadline:Manwhocommitssuicidetwiceissentencedtolifeinprison.
245

Q:What
isredandlookslikebucket?
A:A
Redbucket!
Q:What
iblue
and
looks
like
abucket
A:A
Redbucketindisguise!
246
Q:What
isgray?
A:A
meltedpenguin!
247
QWhat'sthedifferencebetween
buffaloandbison?
A.
Youcan'twashyourhandsinabuffalo.
248
Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?
Iwasdead.
Whydidthesquirrel
fall
out
ofthetree?
Itwasstapledtothemonkey.

249
mandrivingonahighwayispulledoverbyapoliceofficer.
Theofficer
asks,"Didyouknowyourwifeandchildrenfelloutofyourcarakilometre
back?".
smilecreepsontotheman'sfaceandheexclaims,"ThankGod!
IthoughtI
wasgoing
deaf!"
250
Q:whereisacemeterylocatedinanytown?
A:IntheDeadcenterofit!
251
coupleofNewJerseyhuntersareoutinthewoodswhenoneofthem
fallstothe
ground.
Hedoesn'tseem
tobebreathing,hiseyesarerolledbackinhishead.
Thother
guwhips
outhicellphonand
calls
911Hgasps
to
the
operator,
"My
frienis
dead!
Whatcan
Ido?"
Theoperator,inacalm
soothingvoicesays,"Justtakeiteasy.
Icanhelp.First,let'smakesure
he'dead."
Thereisasilence,thenashotisheard.
Theguy'svoicecomesbackontheline.
Hesays,"OK,
nowhat?"
252
manwalksintoabarandsaysouch!!!
Getit?
253
babypolarbearasksitsdad,'am
iablackbear?''no'saysdad.
'am
iagrizzlybear?'
'no,you'reapolarbear.
goaskyourmother,son.'
babypolarbearasksitsmum,'am
ia

brownbear,orasunbear?''no',saysmum.
'am
iablackbearorakoalabear?''no,you'rea
polarbear.
whydoyouask,son?'
'becauseiam
socold...!'
254
newlyordainedpriestisnervousabouthearingconfessionsandasksanolderpriest
toobserveoneofhissessionstogivehim
sometips.Afterafewminutesoflistening,theold
priestsuggests
thatthey
have
aword."Iv'e
gotafewsuggestions,"he
says."Try
foldingyour
armsoveryourchestandrubyourchinwithonehand."Thenewpriesttriesthis."Verygood,"
says
hisenior"nowtry
saing
things
like
'Isee','Iunderstand'
and
'Yesgon.'"
Thoungepriestpractises
these
sayings,
too.
"Weldone,saytholderpriest.
"Don't
yothinthat'betterthaslappinyourkneand
saying,
'Nway!whathappened
next?'"
255
Claire:
KnockKnock
Neil:
Who's
there?
Claire:Aninterrupting
cow
Neil:Aninterrupt..
Claire:
MOO
256
Mangoestothedoctorandcomplainsthateverytimehetoucheshisfoothefeels
excruciating
pain.
Thdoctor
writes

itdown
and
asks
iitgurts
anywhere
else.
To
demonstrate,themanalsotoucheshisshinandthighandscreamsoutwithpain.Although
thedoctorexaminesthaman,hecannotdiagnosethesourceofthepainandrefershim
toa

specialist.A
fewweekslaterthemanreturnsandthedoctoreagerlyasksthemanifthe
specialistfound
outwhatwaswrong.Yes,saidtheman.Hediscoveredmyfingerwasbroken!
257
What
doyou
call
aaarvark
that
hasbeen
beaten
up?
vark.
258
What
isthedifferencebetween
doctorandGod?
Goddoesn't
think
heisdoctor!
259
Whydidthewhalejumpoutofthewater?Togettotheotherside.
260
Q.WhatdidtheEnglishpolicemansaywhenhecamehomeandfoundhiswifeinbed
withthreemen?A.'Ello.'Ello.'Ello!
261
Manislookingdownfrom
aplaneasitfliesoverthePacificOcean.
He
turns
tthlady
nexttohim
andasks:Thatislanddownthere.IsitpronouncedHawaiiorHavaii?Thewoman
repliesHavaii.Themansays:Thankyou.Thewomanreplies:You'revelcome!
262
Whydidthe'possum
crosstheroad?Togethalf--wayacross.
Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?Toshowthe'possum
itcouldbedone.
Whydidtheanarchistmonkeycrosstheroad?Hewasstapledtothechicken.
Whydidn't
theskeleton
crosstheroad?
Noguts.

263
manwalksintoarestaurantandgrowlsatthemaitred'"Doyou
servecrabshere?"
themaitred'responds"Weserveanyone.
Haveaseatsir."
264
I3rdgrade
classJonny
wasaskedifhknewhacanabiwas.
He
saidtthe
teacher"nosir"
"Well,
ifyou
ateyourparentswhat
wouldyou
be?"
Jonny,steacheraskedhim
andJonnysaid"Anorphen,sir"
265
Diyouhear
aboutthe
rooster
who
stayed
awake
allnightso
thathe
could
sewhere
thesun
went?
Itfinallydawnedonhim.
266
Two
guywalkinto
abar.
Ththird
guducks.
267
What
isthenewpiratemovierated?Arrrrrrrrrrr.
268
Themonkswerebusyinthemonasterycopyingthosebeaytifulilluminated
manuscriptsthattheyusedtodowhenoneyoungmonksuggestedthatsincetheywere
copyingcopiesperhapsitmightbetimelytoexaminetheoriginaltomakesurethattheir
copieswerecorrect.TheAbbotagreedandsentthemonkdownintothebasementofthe
monasterytofindandexaminetheoriginal.Theyoungmonkwasawayforsometimeand
finallytheabbotwenttofindhim.Whenhedidhefoundhimmintearsandaskedhim
what

waswrong.Throughhistearsthemonkblurtedout"Thewordwascelebrate!"

269
Learntherulessoyouknowhowtobreakthem
properly.
270
Ifyounevercanmakethingsworkfrom
thefirsttry,skydiving
inoforyou.
271
wasgettinforgetful
so
wentthneighborsandaske
thhusbandwhaisthe
nameofyourmentaldoctorthatyouhavebeenbragingabout.Heaskemewhatflowerhasa
longsteam
withthorns.Isaidarose.Hesaidthankyou,thankyou,heyRosewhatisthename
ofmymemorydoctor.
272
Nevewrestle
with
apig:
Youboth
getalldirty,
and
the
pig
likes
it.
273
Ihaveseenthetruthanditmakesnosense.
274
manranintothehousebreathlessandhesaidtohiswife,"Honey,
yoshould
be
so
proudofme,Ijustsaved$1.50bynottakingthebus,butIchaseditallthewayhome--The
wifereplied,"Youwantamedalforthat?--You
shouldhavechasedcaandsavedyourself
15!
275
duckwalksintoapharmacy.
Hesays,"I'dlikeachapstick."
Thepharmacisthands
him
thechapstickandasks,"willthatbecashorcharge?"
Theduckreplies,"justputitonmy
bill."

276
Therare
two
fisiatank.
Thfirstfissays
to
the
seconfish"Howthe
helldwe
drivthis
thing?"
277
Helicopters
can'treally
fly
--they're
just
so
uglthathearth
immediatelyrepelsthem.
278
whatsbrown
andsticky?
stick
279
Whydidthemonkeyfalloutofthetree?Itwasdead.
280
Didyouhearaboutthemaniacridingonthesubwayschoppingpeoplesarmsoff?
Thepolicecaughthim
andchargedhim
witharmedrobbery!
281
biologystudenthadtowriteacomputerprogram,buthehadtroubles
tomakeitwork.Heaskedhisroommate,whowasacomputersciencemajor,
tolookathisprogramm
andtellhim
wheretheerroris.Thecomputer
guylookedthroughthecodeforsometime,thenglanceddesperatelyathis
friendandsaid:"InDNA".
282
What
doyou
call
cow
withnolegs?
Groundbeef.

283
Howcanyoutellthe
difference
between
adead
catithe
road
or
adeadlawyerintheroad?
Thedeadcathastreadmarks.

284
Well,
you
see,
therearebasicallythreekindsofpeoplein
theworld.
Thosewhocan
countanthose
thatcan't.
285
--Canyouswim?
--Sometimes.
--Whatdoyoumeanby"sometimes"?
--OnlywhenI'inthewater.
286
manwalksintoapsychiatrist'sofficedressedonlyinsaranwrap.
Thepsychologist
takesonelookathim
andsays,"Icanclearlyseeyou'renuts."
287
Whydidthemonkeyfallouofthtree?
Hwas
dead.
Whydidthesecondmonkeyfalloutofthetree?Hewasstapledtothefirstmonkey.Whydidthethir
dmonkeyfalloutofthetree?Peepressure.
288
Firstmagician:"WhowasthatladyIsawedwithyoulastnight?"
Seconmagician:"Thatwasnolady;thatwasmyhalf--sister!"
289
Whydoesagolferbringtwopairsofpantswhenheplaysgolf?A
Incasehegetsahole
ione.
290
whatsagoodpartinggift?A
comb
291
Knock
knock
Who'sthere?
Dishwasher
Dishwasher
who?
Dishwasherwayispokeuntiligotmyfalseteeth

292
Howdoyoumakeahankichiefdance?
Putalittlebogeyinit.
293
Howdo
youhide
anelephantinacherry
tree?Youpaintits
toenails
red!
294
Whatisreadwhiteandblackallover?A
used
newspaper!
295
Didyouhearaboutthetwoatennaethatgotmarried?Theweddingwasn'tverygood,
buthereception
wasteriffic!
296
aguytakeshisnastydogforawalkeverynightandmanagestobeatupanotherdog
evernight.
onnightwhilewalkinghisdoghecomesuponthisguywalkingayellowdog,heunleaseshisnastyd
ogsaying"gogethim
boy",asherunsuptotheyellowdog,theyellow
doggrabshim
bytheneck,shakeshim
acoupleoftimes,flipshim
overandbreakeshisneck

andthenastydogisdead.theownerofthenastydogsayswow!thatsthefirsttimeintwo
yearsthatmydoghaslostafight,whatkindofdogdoyouhave?theotherguysays"beforei
cutoffhistailandpaintedhim
yellow,heusedtobeanalligater!!!
297
Themanhadgonetothedentistforhisannualcheckup.
Thedentistaskedthemanif
hehadbeeneatinganythingoverthepastfewmonthsthatwasnotordinarilyinhisdiet.
The
mansaid,"Whyyes,Ihaveasamatteroffact.
Mywifedevelopedanereceipt
forhollandise
saucethatisjustterrificandIhavebeenputtingitonalmosteverythingthatIeat."
"Well",
saidthedentist,"I'afraidthattheacidinthelemonjuiceusedinthehollandisesaucehas
started
to
corrodyour
dentalplate.
I'llhavetomakeyouanewplate.
Butthistime,I'llmake
itoutofchrome."
"Outofchrome!"exclaimedtheman.
"Whywouldyoudothat?".
"Because,"
saidthedentist........"aseveryoneknows"......"there'snoplatelikechromeforthe
hollandise"
298
Whydont
Englishrugbyplayersget
vaccinatedbeforetouring?
theynevercatchanything.
299
Q:Whycan'ttwoelephantsgoswimmingatthesametime?
A:Becausetheyonlyhaveonepairoftrunks!
300
Q:--Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochange
lightbulb?
A:--Fish.
301
lengthofRopewentintoabar,satonastool,andorderedabeer.TheBartender
said,"Wedon'tserveRopeshere."Dismayedanddisappointed,theRopewentoutandthen
gotanidea.Hestoppedamanandasked,"Willyoupleasetieaknotinmeandseparatemy
strandsatbothends?".Themanobliged,andwiththisdone,theRopewentbackintothebar
andagainorderedabeer.TheBartenderlookedhim
overandsaid,"Say,aren'tyouthesame
rope
who
was

inhere
before?!""No,"wasthereply,"I'afrayedknot."
304
Q.Whydidtheram
jumpoverthecliff?
A.Hedidn'tseetheeweturn.
305
Whydobeeshum
?Becausetheydon'tknowthewords
306
Two
notsbrightpeople
walking
along
onday.
One
says
'Horstracks!',
the
other
disagrees,'RabbittracksIthink'justbeforethetrainhitthem!
307
WhatsETshort
for?
Becausehe'sgot
littlelegs!
308
bearwalksintobarandsays"Can
havepint
oflagerand................................................a
packeofcrispsplease?"
thebarmansays"Whythebigpause"

309
Didyoureadaboutthemidgetclarivoyantwhoescapedfrom
jail?Theheadlinesaid
"smallmedium
atlarge."
310
Howmanypsychiatristsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
Onlyone,
buthe
lightbulb'sgonna
wantochange.
311
penguinwalksitoabarandasksthebarman"haveyouseenmybrother?"
thebarmanreplies"Idunno,Whatdoeshelooklike?"
312
Therwas
ahusband
and
hiwife
sitting
nextto
adrunkin
a
bar.Suddenlythedrunkstandsupandyells,"ATTENTION
ALL"andfartsloudly.
Thewifeisextremelyembarrassed,andthehusbandlooksat
thedrunkandsays"Excuseme,youjustfartedbeforemy
wife."
Thedrunksreplies,"I'sorryIdidn'tknow
it
washerturn."
313
Whydidthetomatoturnred?
She/He
sathsaladressing!
314
What
doyou
call
deerwithnoeyes?
Nidear.
315
guywalksintohispsychiatristsofficeandsays"Docyougottohelpme,OnenightI
dream
I'atepeeandthenextnightidream
thatiam
awigwam."Thedoctorsay's,"relax,

you'rtwo
tents."
316
What
doyou
call
deerwithnoeyesandnolegs?
Stilnidear.
317
"Doc,Ican'tstopsingingthegreengreengrassofhome"
"thatsoundslikeTom
Jonessyndrome"
"Isitcommon?"
"It'nounusual.."
318
From
TheTimes:
'younggirl,whowasblownouttoseaona

set
ofinflatable
teethwasrescuedba
manonaninflatablelobster.A
coast--guard
spokesmancommented:
"Thissort
ofthinisalltoocommonthesedays."'
319
whahas2legsandbleedsprofusely?
Halfcat
320
manwakesupinhospital.

"Doctor,Doctor,Ican'tfeelmylegs!"
"Iknow,"repliesthedoctor,"Wehadtoamputateyourarms."
321
Onepenguin
saysto
another,
"You
looklike
you'rwearing
atux."
Thesecondpenguinreplies,"WhosaysI'not?"
322
Whydoelephantspucatsup
in
theirnavels?
Answer:
Sotheycaneatfrenchfrieswhilelyingontheirbacks.
323
Thichap
lives
alone
and
hwas
feeling
abitlonely,
shgoeto
thepetshoptogetsomethingtokeephim
company.Thepetshopowner
suggestedanunusualpet,atalkingmillipede.
"OK,"thoughttheman,"I'llgiveitago..."
Soheboughtamillipede,tookithome,andforlackofadvancepreparations,madeita
temporaryhomeinacardboardbox.
Thatevenintesting
hinewpet,
hleaned
ovethe
closed
boxand
said,"I'goingtothepubforadrink,doyouwanttocometoo?"
Hewaitedafewmomentsbuttherewasnoreply.
Htriedagain,"Hey,millipede,wannacometotheboozerwithme???"
Again,noresponse.
Disgustedbyhisgulliblenature,hedecidedtogiveitonemoretry
beforereturningthemillipedetothepetshop.
Shgoreal
clostthboanrepeated
ratherloudly,"ISAIDI'MGOINGTOTHEPUB
FORA
DRINK.DOYOUWANNA
COME?"
"Iheardyouthefirsttime!!"snappedthemillipede,"I'justputtingmybloodyshoeson..."

324
DidyouhearaboutthefarmerwhowontheNobelPrizeforbeingoutstandinginhis
field?
325
Two
drunks
are
sitting
atabar.

Thfirst
onsays,
"What'sthisthinthathecal'Breathalyzer'?"
Thesecondguysays,"It'sabagthatcantellhowmuchyoudrank."
Thefirstguysays,"Imarriedoneofthosethingsyearsago."
326
Therewerethreeguys.
Theyeachwereaskedtonamesomethinggreen,pinkand
yellow.
Thefirstguysaid"myshirtisgreen,mytieispinkandmypantsareyellow".
The
secondguysaid"thegrassisgreen,thesunisyellowandmydoorispink."
Ththird
gusaid
"thphongoe'green
green',
piniuansa'yellow'".
327
whitehorsegoesintoapubandordersadrink.
Thepublicansays,"Here,we'vegotadrinknamedafteryou!"
Thhorssays,
"What,
Eric?"
328
What
doyoucallawomanwithonelegshorterthantheother?
Answer:Ilene
What
doyou
call
herifshe'sJapanese?

Answer:Irene
329
What'sorangeandsoundslikeparrot?
carrot!
330
truckdriversawapriesthitchhiking.Hethoughthewoulddoagoodturn
anpulled
thetruckover."Noproblem,Father!Illgiveyoualift.Climbinthetruck."Thehappypriest
climbedintothepassengerseatandthetruckdrivercontinueddowntheroad.
Suddenlthtruck
driversalawyerwalkindowthroad
aninstinctively
hswerved
tohithim.Butherememberedtherewasapriestinthetruckwithhim,soatthelastminute
heswervedbackaway,narrowlymissingthelawyer.Buteventhoughhewassurehemissed
thelawyerhestill
heardloud"THUMP".
Heglancedinhismirrorsandwhenhedidntsee
anything,heturnedtothepriestandsaid,"Im
sorryFather.Ialmosthitthatlawyer."
"Thatsokay,"repliedthepriest."Igothim
withthedoor!"
331
CraigDavid
,Shaggy
and
Britney
Spears
wre
stuckinanelevatorwhentheysmelled
somethinglikerotteneggs,CraigDavidsaid"I'walkin'away",Shaggysaid"itwasn'tme"and
Britney
Spearssaid"Oopsdidit
again"
332
What
doyou
get
when
you
crossaelephant
andkangaroo?
BigholesalloverAustralia!!
333
Q.Whowontheboxingmatchbetweenthebeaverandthehedgehog?
A.Thehedgehog,onpoints.
334

manwaswalkingintheparkwhenhecameacrossakoala.Hetookittothe
poliemanandsid"i'vefoundthiskoalawhatshouldidowithhim"Thepolicemansaid,"take
him
tothezoo"
Thenextdaythepolicemanwaswalkinginthesameparkwhenhesawthesamemanwith
thesamekoala.Hesaid,"didn'titellyoutotakethatkoalatothezoo?"
"Yes",Themananswered,that'swhatIdidandtodayI'takinghim
tothemovies.
335
manfindsageniewhosaysthatitwillgranthim
threewishesbutthatevery
pollititioninAustraliawouldgetdouble.
Themansays,"Ok,Iwishfor$1million"
"Granted",saysthegenie,"butremembereverypollititioninAustraliawillgetdouble"
Themansays,"Ok,nowIwishforaFerrarii"
"Granted",saysthegenie,"butremembereverypollititioninAustraliawillgetdouble.Your
finalwish?"
Themansays,"Iwishtohaveoneofmykidneysremoved"
336
what'swhiteblueandgreen?A
fridgewearingjeanssittinginafield!!!
337
Whatsbrown
andsoundslikebell?
Dung!

338
What
isgreyandgoesbangbangbangbang?
four--door
elephant
339
duckwalksintoadrugstore,andasksthecashierifhehasanybeer.Themansays
"No,thisisaDrugstore,wedon'tsellbeerhere"TheDuckleaves,andreturnshome.Thenext
day,hecomesbacktothestoreandasksthecashieragain.Themanthenreplies,"Itoldyou
yesterday!
We
dont'
sellbeer
here!Ifyouaskmeonemoretime,Iam
goingtonailyourfeet
totheflorr!"Theducksleavesagain.Onefinaltimetheduckentersthestorethenextday,
andthistimesays,"Doyouhaveanynails?"TheManreplies,"No"Theduckthensays,"Do
yohavanybeer?"
340
whatdoyoucallam
italianwitharubbertoe?Roberto
341
Whydoelephantshavebig
ears?
Noddwouldn'tpay
the
ransom
342
Howdoyoustopabearfrom
charging?Youtakeawayitscreditcard.
343
mantookhisRottweilertothevet.
"Mdog'cross--eyed,isthereanythingyoucandoforhim?"
"Well,"saidthevet,"let'shavealookathim."
Sohepickedthedogupandexaminedhiseyes,thencheckedhisteeth.
Finally,hesaid,"I'goingtohavetoputhim
down."
"WhatWhyBecause
he'cross--eyed?"
"Nohe'heavy."
344
Whydidn't
theskeleton
crosstheroad?
Hdidn'thave
the
guts

to
dit!
345
Whattimeisit?
Timeyougotanewwatch.
346
Two
elephants
fallofacliff.
ThudThud.
347
Whydidthemandrowninabowlofcakemix?
Hgotpulled
under
by
aparticularly
strongcurrent!!
348
whydoduckshaveflat
feet?
Tostampoutforestfires!!
349
What
doyou
call
flywithnowings?
walk!!!
350
What
doyou
call
childwhofriesandeatsbothhisparents?
Anorphan.

351
Newspaper
Reports
say
atoilethas
been
stolen.
Policve
sathey
havnothing
to
gon
352
WhyhasEdwardWoodwardgotsomany'D'sinhisname?
Becauseotherwisehe'dbecalledEwarWoowar
353
Diyouhear
aboutthe
scarecrowthawoNobel
prize?
He
wasoutstanding
ihis
field.
354
Whydidthegolferweartwopairsoftrousers?
Icase
hgo'holione'!
355
Howdo
yougetfour
elephants
into
aMini?
Two
ithe
front,
two
ithe
back.
356
What
doyou
call
amushroom
atadisco?
funguy

357
Twoatomsarewalkingdowntheroad.
Onesaystotheother,
"OHNO!just
droppedaelectron!"
"Areyousure?"askshisfriend.
"Yes"hereplies"I'POSITIVE!"
358
bunchofhighlandcowsarestandinginafield
iScotland.
Whichone'son
holiday?
...Thonwitthwecalf!
359
--Knocknock.
--Who'sthere?
--Buh
--Buwho?
--Don't
bsad
360
Twopiecesoftarmacgointoapubandboasttothebarmanabouthowhardtheyare,
"We'remotorwayus."
Theanotherpieceoftarmacentersandthefirsttwohideunderatable."What'swrong?"
saysthebarman,"Ithoughtyouwerereallyhard?"
"Ware,"
thesay"buhe'cyclpath."
361
longtimeago,therewere3littlebears.....nowthere'slotsofthem
362
What
isblack
andwhiteandeatslikehorse?
Zebra

363
Thereweretwocowsinafield.
Onesaid"moo",theotheronesaid"Iwasgoingtosay
that!"
364
What'sBrown,
sitsin
treeandcan't
sing?
DeO'conker
365
Howdo
youkillacircus?Gfothe
juggler.
366
Howdo
youturnaduckinto
asoulsinger?
SticiithoveanwaitilitBilWithers.
367
whydidtheswedishfactoryworkerget
sacked??
Becausehealwaystookstockhome!(stockholm!)
368
Therwas
ateddy
bear
who
wentto
workon
abuilding
site.
On
hifirstday
hwent
offforlunchandlefthistoolsbehind.
Whenhecamebackhenoticedthathispickwas
missing.
Whenhetoldtheforemantheforemansaid"Didn'tyouknowtoday'sthedaythe
teddybears
gettheir
picks
nicked"!
369
mangoestothedoctorandsays'Doctor,there'sapieceoflettucestickingoutofmy
bottom'.Thedoctoraskshim
todrophistrousersandexamineshim.Themanasks'Isit

serious,
doctor?'
and
the
doctor
replies
'I'sorrytotellyoubutthisisjustthetipofthe
iceberg'.
370
what
docall
thieveson
washing
line?
ans:knickers
371
Didyouhearaboutthemanwhodrownedinabowlofmuesli?
Hwas
pulled
under
by
astrongcurrant!
372
younggirliswalkingalongtheriverandcomesacrossareligiousgatheringwheretheminister
isbaptizingmembersofhisflock.
Theministerasksthegirlifshehasfound
Jesus.
No,shesays.
Whereupontheministerpushesherunderwater,pullsherbackup,
andrepeats,
Have
yofoundJesus?
No,
she
says,
andisdunkedbacithwaterandagainasked,HaveyoufoundJesus?
No!,shesaysinexasperation,Areyousurethisiswherehefell
in?
373
Shakespeare
walkintpubThblokbehinthecountersays,"I'notservingyou
mate--you're
Bard."
374
Twoparrotssittingonaperch.Onesaystotheother,"Canyousmellfish?"
375
Whyis6afraidof7
Because7"ate"

376
Iwanttodiepeacefullyinmysleeplikemygrandfather.
Notscreamingandyelling
likehispassengers
377
What'sredandinvisible?
Notomatoes.
378
Marge:"Homer,youneverlistentoanythingIsay!"
Homer:"Thankyou.
Iwouldlikeanomlet."
379
cows
are
iafield.
thefirstcowsays"hmm
ifeelalittle
bitsick"
thesecondcow
replies"Shut
up!oryou'll
get
usbothkilled!"
380
what
isthesleepietsfish?
kipper
381
polarbeargoesintoabarandsaystothebarman"CouldIhaveapintofbeerand
................................................apacketofcrispsplease?".
Thebarmansays"Certainly--what'swith
theenormouspaws(pause)?"
382
What
doyou
call
cow
that
eatsgrass?
lawnmoo--er
383
robbers
went2
the
gates

ohevean
angle
said
gothere
irobbers
atthe
gates
godsaidletthem
insotheanglewent2letthem
inhecamerunninginandsaid"they're
gone,they're
gone,"god:whthrobbers
nthgates!!
384
Q:Why
don't
anteatersget
sick?
A:Becausethey'refullofantibodies.
385
Texanisbragging,asusual:
"Youknow,"hesays,"IcangetinmyCadillacat7a.m.,drivealldaylongandstillbeonmy
property."
"Yes,replies
hilistener,
"hacarlikthaonce."
386
manwalksintoabarandhearssomeonesay,"Hey,youlookNICEtoday!!!"He
turns
aroudandasksthebartender,
"Whosaidthat?"
Thebartenderanswers,
"Thepeanuts...
they'reCOMPLEMENTARY!!!"
387
Two
sheewere
standing
oahillside
iScotland,
onlooks
uand
says
"baaaaaaaaaa...Thothersays"Bloodhellwasgonna
say
that!"
388
Q--When'sthebesttimetohaveatoothpulled?
A--Tooth--Hurty

389
manwalksintoapub,goesuptothebar"Pintofbest"hesaystothebarman.
Whilst
waiting
forhisdrink
henoticesthat
Vincent
Van
Goghissitting
atonofthtablesHe
goesuptohim
andsays
"AreyouVincentVanGogh?"
"Yes"theoldmanreplies.
"dyowanpinVincent?"
"NotaI'vgoon`ere."
390
dogwalksintoabarandsaystothebartender,"Heybartender,it'smybirthday!
Howabout
freedrink?"
Thebartendersays,
"Surepalthetoilet'sdown
thehall."
391
SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonweregoingcamping.
Theypitchedtheirtentunder
thestarsandwenttosleep.
SometimeinthemiddleofthenightHolmeswokeWatsonup.
"Watson,lookupatthestars,andtellmewhatyousee."
Watsonsaid,"Iseemillionsand
millionsofstars."
Homes:"andfrom
thatyoudeduce?"
Watson:"Well,iftherearemillionsof
stars,
and
ieveafewof
those
have
planets,
its
quite
likelytherearesomeplanetslikeearth
likeearthoutthere.
Andifthereareafewplanetslikeearthoutthere,theremightalsobe
life."
Holmes:"Watson,youidiot,somebodystoleourtent."
392
What
isthelast
thing
fishsayswhen
it

hitswall?
Dam!
393
Didyouhereaboutthemagictractor?
Iwasdriving
down
lantheiturnedintfield!
394
Wheredoyou
finddog
withnolegs?
Whereveryoulefthim.
395
Threeguyswalkintoanofficebuilding...youthinkoneofthem
wouldofnoticediwas
there...
396
Two
peanuts
walkinto
abar...........
Onewassalted
397
Apparently1in5peopleintheworldareChinese.Andthereare5peopleinmyfamily,
soitmustbeoneofthem.It'seithermymum
ordad,myolderbrotherColinormyyounger
brotherHo--Cha--Chu.ButIthinkits
Colin
398
Whatdoyoucallamushroom
whobuysyoudrinksallnight?
realFungitobewith.
399
Youknow,somebodyactuallycomplimentedmeonmydrivingtheotherday.Theyleft
littlenoteonmywindscreensayingparkingfine.Sothatwasnice
400
Q:Why
didtheegg
crosstheroad?
A:Toresearchitsgeneology.

401
Q.Whatdidthemonksaywhenreturningtohismonestaryafteratriparoundthe
world?A.Theworldismycloister.
402
Whatsblack
andshinyandsailstheseven
seas?
....Binbag
thesailor!
403
Whathasmorecourage,astumporarock?A
rock,becauseit'salittleboulder.
404
neutronwalksintoabar.Heasksthebartenderforadrink.
When
it'sserved,
heaskshowmuchitwillbe.
"Foryou,thbartenderanswers,
"ncharge."
405
NewsFlashfrom
Chicago:Manfoundfacedowninbathtubfullofmilkandcornflakes
withbananin
rear!Policelooking
forcereal
killer.
406
Two
jelly
babies
walked
into
abarwiththeirfriendtheHardGum.Whentheywentup
togetdrinks,somecoughsweetswentuptothem
andstartedhasslingthem.Thejellybabies
wereabitscaredandwenttotheHardGum
toaskforabitofhelp.Hereplied,"I'notgoing
anywherenearthem,they'rementhol!".
407
turtlewaswalkingdownanalleyinNewYorkwhenhewasmuggedbyagang
ofsnails.
policedetectivecametoinvestigateandaskedtheturtleifhe
could
explain
whathappenedThturtle
looked
atthe

detective
with
aconfused
look
on
hisfaceandreplied"don't
know,
it
alhappenedsofast."
408
Q:WheredoesaKingkeephisarmies?
A:Inhissleevies
409
womanwalkedintoabarandorderedadoubleentendre,sothebarmangaveher
one.
410
Wheredohorses
gwhen
they
are
injureohurt?
ThHorsepital.
411
It'shoday,
andeveryone
isothbeach.
Andit'sstrange,becauseeveryonehasboughtanice--cream
cone,andisfeedingthesea--gulls
withit;twogullstoeachperson.
Swenboughan
ice--cream,andstraightawaythegullscamedowntostealit.
SoofcourseIchasedthem
away,buttheykeptoncoming,andthenthisoldmanwonders
overinmydirection.He'sgotanice--cream,andtwogullseatingit.Andhesays:"You'llnever
stopthem,sodowhateveryoneelseisdoing:relax,enjoyyourself,andletthegullshavethe
ice--cream....."
"Why?asked.
"Because,hsaid"thawayou'lbchillintwbirds
witoncone."
("killing
two
birds
with
onstone"...
ocourse)

412
ReneDescarte
walksintbar.
Bartendersays,
"havebeer?"
Descarte
says,"Ithink...not..."
anddisappears.
413
whydidthemousesqueak?
'coitneedeoiling
414
What
doyou
get
when
you
crossaelephant
withrhino?
Hellifino.
415
:Name2crustaceans
:KingCrustacean&CharringCrustacean
416
abrainandasetofjumpleadswalkintoabar,"twopintsofbeerplease
barman"asksthebrain"sorryguyscan'tserveyoutonight"repliesthebarman
"whnotaskthbrain
"becausyou'routyouheaanhe'likly
to
start
somthing"
417
I'vheardthacardiovascularexercise
caprolong
life.
Isthistrue?
Yourheartisonlygoodforsomanybeats,andthat'sit.Everything
wearsout
eventually.
Speeding
uyourheart
will
notmakeyoulive
longer;that'slikesaying
you
can
extendthelifeofyourcarbydriving
itfaster.
Wantto

live
longer?Take
anap.
418
Two
spiderwere
playing
footballiasaucer.
Onesaystotheother:"I'gettingreallyboredwiththis."
Thother
says:
"Don'tworry,
we're
playing
ithe
cunextweek."
419
whycan'tyoumilkamouse?
'coyocan'tgetabucketundeit
420
Inventionstoday:it'sreportedthatanewkindofpillowcasehasbeeninvented,made
outocordurouy.
It'smaking
headlines.
421
Thisguyiswalkingpastawoodenfence.Ontheothersideofthefenceisanasylum.
Theinmatesareallscreamingatthetopsoftheirlungs,"Thirteen!Thirteen!THIRTEEN!!"
Theguynoticesasmallholeinthefenceandhiscuriositynaturallygetsthebetterofhim.He
takesapeekandafingersuddenlypopsoutandjabshim
intheeye.Heyellsinpainasthe
inmatesstartshouting,"Fourteen!Fourteen!FOURTEEN!!"
422
What'sredandsitsin
thecorner?
naughtybus!
423
Whydid
the
chicken
crosthe
road?
Tgetto
the
rooster
othe
other
side.

424
TwoBearsinanairingcupboard,whichoneisinthearmy?
Thonothe
tank!!
boom
boom
425
littleboymousegoesintoamusicshopandasksforamouse--organ.
Thshopkeepersays:
"That'sacoincidence,wehadalittlegirlmouseinhereyesterday,askingforthesamething."
Themousereplies:
"ThatmusthavebeenourMonica."
426
doctorsaystohispatient,'Ihavebadnewsandworsenews'.
'Oh
dear,
what's
the
badnews?'asksthepatient.
Thdoctor
replies,
'You
only
have
2hourto
live'.
'That's
terrible',
said
the
patient.
'Howcan
the
news
possibly
be
worse?'
Thdoctor
replies,
'I'vbeen
trying
to
contactyosincyesterday'.
427
What
dobabyapessleep
in?
Apricots!
428
Two
hunters

were
walking
through
the
woods.
Suddenly,anakedladysteppedoutofthebrushandsaid,"I'game!",
sthey
shother.
429
Man1"Mywife'sgonetotheWest
Indies."
Man2"Jamaica?"
Man1"Noshewent
ofherown
accord":
430
Howdoyoukeepyournosefrom
running?
TeachittoWALK!
431
What
can
you
eat
in
CyberCafe?
MicroChips
432
youngkaratechampionjoinedtheArmy.
Thefirsttimehesaluted,hekilledhimself.
433
Ifhadpenewwouldcallhim
"Tiny",becausehe'dbemynewt.
434
Ifcornoilcomesfrom
corn,wheredoesbabyoilcomefrom?
435
pieceofstringwalksintoabaronedayandasksforabeer.
Thebartendersays,"I'sorrybutwedon'tservestringinthisbar."
Thpiece
ostring
walks
outand
returns
the
nextday

asking
foabeer.
Noluck.Thebartenderturnshim
awayagain,"Sorrybutwedon'tservestringinthisbar."

Thnextday
the
piecostring
returns
to
the
bar,
butbefore
entering,
hties
aknotin
himselfandmessesuphishair.
Henters
the
bar
and
asks
foabeer.
"Aren'tyouapieceofstring?"thebartenderasks.
"No,"hereplies,"I'afrayedknot."
436
What
wasborn
tosucceed?
budgiewithabluntbeak!
437
Whydogorillashavebig
nostrils?
Becausethey
havebig
fingers!
438
Doctor.Doctor."I'vegotastrawberrystuckupmybum."
Doctor."I'vegotsomecream
forthat."
439
Howmuchdoesapiratepaytohavehisearpierced?
Buccaner(buckanear)
440
drunkwasstandingonLondon
Street
cornershouting
"Ican'bdone!Ican'be
done!"
Justten,aBobbyaproachedhim
andsaid:"Whatcan'tbedone?"
Thedrunkanswered,"Look,upthereonthatsign,itsays'DRINKCANADA
DRY.'Itjustcan't
bedone...It'stooBloodybig!!!"

441
mother&daughtergooutlookingforBarbieDolls,butcan'tfindanypricesinthe
shop,
sthey
askan
assistantto
help.
"ThiiSingle
Barbie,
shcost20,
and
this
iMarried
Barbie,
shecosts40,
andthisoneisDivorcedBarbie,
she
costs
250",
says
the
assistant.
"WhysomuchfortheDivorcedBarbie?"askthemother."Well,withtheDivorcedBarbie"
says
the
assistant"Yougetthe
House,
the
Car,
the
Children......"
442
Didyouhearaboutthenewrestaurantonthemoon?
.
.
.
.
Ihearthefoodisgreat,buttheatmosphereislousy.
443
newlymarriedmanaskshiswife,
"Wouldyouhavemarriedmeifmyfatherhadn'tleftmeafortune?"
"Darling,"thewomanrepliessweetly,"I'dhavemarriedyouno
matterwholeftayouafortune."
444
MahatmaGandhi,asyouknow,walkedbarefootmostofthetime,which
producedanimpressivesetofcallusesonhisfeet.
Healsoatevery
little,whichmadehim
ratherfrailandwithhisodddiet,hesufferedfrom
badbreath.
Thismadehim
what?

supercallusedfragilemysticplaguedwithhalitosissupercallusedfragilemysticplaguedw
ithhalitosis.
445
Two
shepherdlean
otheir
crooks
atthe
enoalong
day
and
the
firstasks
the
second"Sohow's
itgoing?"
Thsecononsigheand
shookhihead,
"NotgoodI
can'tpaymybills,myhealthisn'tgood,mykidsdon't
respectme,andmywifeisleavingme."
Thfirstreplied,
"Well,
don'tlose
any
sheeoveit."
446
Jameswantedtostartanewhobby,andhedecideshe'sgoingtolearnanewflying
sport.
Shinvites
hifriendtocomeandwatch.
Hetakesthem
tothetopofacliff,andproducesthreebirdcages--oncontainina
budgerigar,
thesecondcontaining
chicken,
andthethirdparrot.
"Wha*are*
youto?askeonohifriends.
"Well,"saidJames,"Icouldn'tdecide
between
budgie--jumping,hen--gliding
orparrotshooting....
sIthoughtI'd
try
allthree."
447
Hesaid'I'goingtochopoffthebottom
ofoneofyourtrouserlegs
andpuit
in
library.'
AndIthought'That'saturn--up

forthbooks.'
448
piecofstring
walksintpuandasksforpint.
Thbarkeep
says
"Getout.
We
don'tservpieceostring
here."
Thepieceofstringgoesaroundthecorner,tiesaknotinhismiddleandunravelshisends.It
goebacintthbaranagaiaskfor
apint.
Thebarkeepsays"Areyouthesamepieceofstringthatwasinhereaminuteago?"
Thepieceofstringsays"I'afrayedknot."
449
World'sbestoxymoron:
WindowsOperating
System
450
LittleJohnnywatched,fascinated,ashismothergentlyrubbedcoldcream
onherface.
"Whyareyourubbingcoldcream
onyouface,mommy?"heasked."Tomakemyself
beautiful,"saidhismother.A
fewminuteslater,shebeganremovingthecream
withatissue.
"What'sthematter?"askedLittleJohnny."Givingup?"
451
maninahurrytakinghis8--year--oldsontoschool,made
turn
aredlight
whereit
wasprohibited.
"Uh--oh,IthinkIjustmadeanillegalturn!"themansaid.
"It'okayDad"
thbosaid"Thpoliccarright
behind
usdidthesamething."
452
DidyouhearaboutthenewBarbieDolltheyaremaking?It'scalled"DivorcedBarbie".
ShecomeswithallofKen'sthings.
453
Threemenwalkintoabar.
Thefourthoneducks.

454
wentto
the
doctors
the
other
day
and
[whilstraising
my
hanithe
airsa"doctor
ithurts
when
dthis"
thedoctorreplies"Well
dont
doit
then"
455
SometouristsintheChicagoMuseum
ofNaturalHistoryweremarvelingatthe
dinosaurbones.Oneofthem
askedtheguard,"Canyoutellmehowoldthedinosaurbones
are?"
Theguardreplied,"Theyare3million,fouryears,andsixmonthsold."
"That'sanawfullyexactnumber,"saysthetourist."Howdoyouknowtheiragesoprecisely?"
Theguardanswered,"Well,thedinosaurboneswerethreemillionyearsoldwhestarted
working
here,
andthat
wasfourandhalfyearsago."
456
twonunswalkedintobuilding..........
you
wouldhavethought
thaywouldhaveseen
it!!
457
Big
Diet
--well
here'syourplain
popcorn,
nosalt,
nobutter.
--Sounds
good,it'llgogreatwithmyplainsalt,nopopcorn,nobutterandmyplainbutter,no
salt,
npopcorn.
458

OnedaylittleJohnnywasinhisbackyarddiggingahole.Hisneighbor,seeinghim
there,
decidedtoinvestigate.
"Whatchdoin?hasked.
"MgoldfishdiedandI'buryinghim,"Johnnyreplied.
"That'aawfubiholforgoldfishain'it?askethneighbor.
"That'becaushe'insidyourcat!"
459
Diyouhear
whathappened
to
the
hyenawho
swallowed
anOxo
cube?
Hebecamealaughing
stoc...
460
Wenttothedoctorandhetoldmeiwouldhavetotakeapilleverydayfortherestof
mylife.
Heonlygaveme4????
461
"Givemeasentenceaboutapublicservant,"saidateacher.
Thesmallboywrote:"Thefiremancamedowntheladderpregnant."
Theteachertooktheladasidetocorrecthim."Don'tyouknowwhatpregnantmeans?"she
asked.
"Sure,"
saithyounstudenconfidently"Meancarrying
child."
462
Mywifeandwerehappyfor20years.
Thenwemet...
463
neuroticisamanwhobuildsacastleintheair.A
psychoticisonewholivesinit.A
psychiatrist
isthonwhcollectsthrent!

464
DidyouhearabouttheInvisibleManthatmarriedtheInvisibleWoman?Yeah,their
kidsaren'tmuchtolookateither.
465
Sthesvultures
decidtfltFlorida
oaariline.
Thegooboard
carrying
six
deadraccoonsandtheflightattendantsays,"I'sorry,butthere'salimitoftwocarrionper
passenger."
466
Question:How
doyou
keep
aidiot
in
suspense?
Answer:Iwilltellyoulater.
467
"Areyoualawyer?"
"Yes."
"Howmuchdoyoucharge?"
"A
hundreddollarsforfourquestions."
"Isn'thaawfullexpensive?"
"YesWhaiyourfourth
question?"
468
what'sbrown
andsticky?
stick.
469
eskimohusbandandwifeinanigloo.theyhear"thumpthumpthumpthump"onthe
roof.the
wife
turns
to
the
husband
and
says"whats
thatnoise?.He
looks
outthe
windowand
says"
dontworry

luv
it's
only
rain
dear"(reindeer!)
470
Whyisonesideof"V"
ofgeese
alwaylonger?
Becausetherearemoregeeseonthatside.
471
WhydoesWindowsmakecomputerscrash?
Becausethere'sinsufficentmemorytoRAMthedoordown!
(didn'texpectyoto
laugh,
this
joke
was...ajoke!)
472
Q:Didyou
hearabout
themagictractor?
A:
Itwasgoingdowntheroadandturnedintoafield.
473
Whydon't
canibalslikeclowns?
Becausetheytastefunny!!!!!
474
Whydocanibalslikemissionaries?Becausetheygivethem
atasteofchristianity!!!!
475
What
doyou
callamusicianwho'sgirlfriendhasdumpedhim?
Homeless.
476
guywalksintoabarwithapieceoftarmacandsaidtothebartender,"Givemeone,
andonemorefortheroad."

477
boywaswalkingdownthestreetwhenhewasstoppedbyamanholdinga
sofa.The
mansaidtotheboy"HereyougoyoucanhavethissofafornothingIdon'tneeditanymore"
theboythankedhim
andtookthesofahometohisdad.Whenhearrivedhomehisdadwent
mad,theboysaidtohim
"DadIthoughtyouwouldbepleased"
his
dad
replied
"Nsowhat
have
told
yoabouttaking
suites
ofstrangers"!!!!!
478
Q:Didyouhearaboutthemagictractor?
A:
Itwasgoingdowntheroadandturnedintoafield.
479
manwalkedintoabarandthebarmansaidtohim
"Hellodoyowandrink?"
"Yes
please"repliedtheman.Thebarmanthengavehim
adrinkandwaitedforhismoneybutthe
mandidn'tpaythebarmanarguedwithhim
andsaid"Thats3.00please"buttheman
replied"NoyouaskedmeifIwanteddrinknotifIwanted
to
buy
onealawyer
sitting
ithe
corneragreedsothebarmanlethim
offandbannedhim
from
thepub.Thenextdaytheman
wentbacktothepubandthebarmansaid"Oiare'ntyouthemanIbarredyesterday?""No"
repliedtheman,"oh"saidthebarman"Youmusthaveadouble""YespleasesaidthemanI'll
haveamaltwhiskey"!!!!!!
480
man#1:Mydoghasnonose
man#2:thenhowdoesitsmell?
man#1:bad
481
what
isredandstandsin
thecorner?
naughty
strawberry

482
group
of99ostritches
istanding
around
with
their
heads
buried
ithe
sand,
an
ostritch
runuto
joithe
grouplooks
around
and
says,"Hey!
Wheredid
everyongo?"
483
Whatsawombatfor?
ForplayingWom.
484
Therare
two
parrots
sitting
oaperch.
Onesaystotheother,"Canyousmellfish?".............................!!!
485
duckwalksintoabar,andasksthebartender:
"Gotanygrapes?"
Thebartenderreplies:"Thisisabar,notamarket,wedon'thavegrapes";
Thduckwalks
outothe
bar,
only
to
return
thenext
day;onceagain,
theduck
asksthe
bartender:"Got
anygrapes"?
Thbartender
says;"
look,
told
yoyesterday

thatwe
don'tsellgrapes
here!"
Theduckleaves,butreturnsthenextday,withthesamequestion:
"Gotanygrapes?".
Thbartender
angrily
replies:
"look,
have
already
told
yotwice
thatwe
don'thave
any
grapes
here.
Nogeouothbarbefore
naiyourlittlwebbefeetthfloor!".
Theduckwalksout,butcomesbackthenextday.
Heasks:
"Gotanynails?"
Thbartenderreplies:"No,
thisisn't
hardwarestore!".
Ducksays:
"Gotany
grapes?"

486
Whatsthedifferencebetween
bison
andbuffalo?
You
can't
washin
buffalo
487
Therewasthreetomatoeswalkingdownastreet.Thedaddytomatoandthemammy
tomatowerewayaheadofthebabytomato.Thedaddytomatogotsoannoyedatthebaby
tomatoforbeingsoslowthatheturnedaroundrealquicklyandsmackedhishandstogether
androared"KETCHUP"
!!!!
488
polarbeargoesintoapubandsaystothebarman:"I'dlikea.......................packetof
salt
andvinegarcrispsplease."
Thebarmanreplies,"Sure,butwhythebigpause?"
489
threeleggeddogwalkburstsintoawildwestsaloonandsays"I'lookingforthe
manwhoshotmypaw"
490
grasshopperwalksintoabar.
Thebartendersays"hey!we'vegotadrinknamed
afteryou!".
Thegrasshoppersays"youhaveadrinknamedMurray?!"
491
amanbuystwomonkeys.thosemonkeysmultiplyandsoonhe'sgot10monkeys.the
city
gets
windofitandthreatensheavyfinesifhedoesn'tgetridofthemonkeys.Sotheman
callshiscousinpedroandoffershim
$50.00totakethemonkeystothezoo.acoupleofhours
pass,pedrocallsandasksforfiftyMOREdollars!themansays"listen,ijustgave
you$50.00
totakethem
tothezoo".Pedrosays"yes,butnowtheywanttogotothemovies!".
492
guyisdrivingdownthemotorway,knitting.
Obviouslythisisdangerousdrivingas
thedriverhasnohandson
thewheel,
sobeforelong
thepolicearecatchingupwithhim.
Onepolicecardrivesupalongsidetheoffendingvehicle,andmotionsforhim
toopenhis

window.
"pullover!",thepolicemanshoutsacross.
"N--pairofsocks!"
493
Whatdoyoucallamushroom
whobuysyoulotsofdrinks?
fungitobewith!
494
Whoispenguin'sfavouriterelative.
HisAuntArtica!
495
Q.Why
wastherefishin
thepiano?
A.Becauseitwasapianotuna
496
Q.What
doyou
get
ifyou
crossbirdcaranddog?
A.A
flyingcarpet
497
QWhat
iswhiteandwalksthroughthedesert?
A.A
herdofyoghurt
498
QWhat'sthedifferencebetween
tennisbalandthePrinceofWales?

A.Oneisthrowntotheairandtheotherisheirtothethrone.
499
guytriestoenteranightclubbutisstoppedatthedoorbythebouncerwhotellshim
that
hecan't
get
in
without
wearing
necktie.
Theguygoesback
tohiscar,
looksaroundbut
can'tfindatie.
Heseesasetofjumperleadsinthebacksoheputsthem
aroundhisneckand
tiesroughknot.
Hewalksbacktothenightclub.
Whenthebouncerseeshim
helookshim
oveand
says
"OKyocan
gi--budon't
start
anything"
500
whydidtheflydoaold--fashioneddanceonthejam
jar?
becauseit
said"twist
toopen
501
what
doyou
get
ifyou
crossasnowmanwithavampire?
FROSTBITE!!!
502
Q.WheredidNapoleonkeephisarmies?
A.Inhissleevies
503
Howdo
youkillacircus?
Gfothe
juggler.

504
squareandacirclewalkintoabar.Thesquaresaystothecircle,"Yourround!"
505
linguisticsprofessorwaslecturingtohisclass.
"InEnglish,"hesaid,"adoublenegativeformsapositive.Insomelanguages,though,suchas
RussiandoublnegativistilnegativeHowever,
there
inlanguagwherein
double
positive
canform
anegative."
voicefrom
thebackoftheroom
pipedup,"Yeah,right."
506
There'asausage
and
an
egiafryinpan.
Thsausage
turns
to
the
egand
says:
"Goseggit'really
hoihere,
isn'it?Thegturns
tthsausagansays:"Ohmygod!
talkingsausage!!"
507
guyphonesthelocalhospitalandyells"You'vegottasendhelp!Mywife'sinlabour!"
Thenursesays,"Calm
down.Isthisherfirstchild?"
Hereplies,"No!
Thisisherhusband!"
508
What
didthepolicemansaytohisbelly?
You'reundervest!
509
Whydidthechicken
crosstheplayground?
Tgetto
the
other
slide!!!

510
Whydodeepseadiversjumpoutoftheboatbackwardswhentheywanttogointothe
water?
Becauseiftheyjumpedforward,theywould
fallinto
the
boat.
511
Q:WhatdoyoutellamathematicianonaSaturdaynight?

A:Don'tdrinkandderive.
512
PROFESSORWASGIVINGONEOFHISLECTURES.INTHEMIDDLEOFHISLECTURE
A
STUDENTWROTE'FOOL'ONA
SLIPOFPAPER.HETHREWITATTHE
PROFESSOR.
THE
PROFESSORSTOPPEDHISLECTUREANDTAKINGTHESLIPINHISHANDHESAID'WHICH
OFTHEGENTLEMANHEREHASSENTMEHISVISITINGCARD?'
513
mother--in--law
sent
twotiestoherson--in--law.Someweekslater,shewasinvitedfor
lunch,
andsoheworeoneofthem
inthehopeofpleasingher.Themealwasatenseanduncomfortableone,withtheMother--in--lawm
aintainingastonysilence.Finallyshespoke."Alright,what'swrongwiththeothertie."
514
What
didtheorangesaytothebananon
thestreet
corner?
"Hi"
515
Wywas6afraidof7?
Because7ate9.
516
familyoftortoiseswentintoacafeforsomeicecream.Theysatdownandwere
about
tostart
when
fathertortoisesaid"think
itsgoing
torain,
Junior,
will
you
pop
home
andfetchmyumberella?"SooffwentJuniorforfather'sumberella,butthreedayslaterhestil
l
hadn'treturned."Ithink,dear,"saidmothertortoisetofathertortoise,"thatwehadbetter
eatJuniorsicecream
beforeitmelts."Andavoicefrom
thedoor
said,"If
yodthatwon't

go."
517
whatdidbatmansaytorobinbeforetheygotinthecar?Robin,getinthecar
518
Q.:How
doyou
catchrhinowearing
wool--hat?
A.:Youkickit'sback.Thenlettherhinochaseyouaroundalakeuntiltherhino
ishoand
takesoffthehat.Nowyoucancatchitlikeanormalrhino.
519
Therewasaknockonthedoorintheearlyhours.
Themanwentdownstairs,openedthedoor,andavoicesaid"Willyougiveusapush,mate?".Thema
nwasveryangry,saying
that
thiswasridiculoushourtobeknocking
peopleupshut
thedoor,
andwent
back
upstairs.
Whenhiswifeaskedwhoitwas,hetoldhersomenutterwantingapush.
She
said"Youshouldn'thaverefusedhim;don'tyourememberwhenwebrokedownand
were
gladofapush?",sohewentdownstairsagain,openedthedoor,andsaid"OK,mate,whereareyou?
"Andavoicesaid"Overhereontheswings".
520
Whyisatreebetterthanaguarddog?Ithasmorebark!
521
Two
ducks
were
sitting
iapondone
othe
ducks
said
"Quack"
Thother
ducksaid
"Iwasgoing
tosaythat!"
522
What'sblack
andwhiteandblack
andwhiteandblack

andwhite?
A:A
Penguinrollingdownahill.

What'sblack
andwhiteandlaughing?
A:ThePenguinthatpushedhim.
523
Whatdidthesmallrugsaytothelargerug?CovermeI'cold.
524
oldladyknocksdownacatasshedrivesalongthemainstreet
apolicemancomesalongasshedrivesoff.
hcalls"
heyocan'tleave
thatlying
there.
shcalls
backthats
notalion
it'scat.
525
Howdotelephonesgetmarried?Theyjustgiveeachotheraring.
526
Anengineer,aphysicist,andamathematicianareonatraininScotland.Theengineer
looksoutthewindowandseesablacksheep.Hecomments,"Look,theyhave
blacksheein
Scotland".Thenphysicistlooksandcomments,"From
thisobservation,wecanonlysaythere
isatleastoneblacksheepinScotland."Themathematicianthenlooksandcomments,
"Actually,from
thiswecanonlysaythereisatleastonesheep
iScotland
that's
blackoone
side."
527
proton,neutron,andelectronwalkintoabar.
Theprotonordersadrink,andasks
howmuchitcosts.
Thebartendersays,"fivedollars."
Next,theelectronordersadrinkand
askshowmuchitcosts.
Againthebartendersays,"fivedollars."Finallytheneutronordersa
drinkandaskshowmuchitcosts.
Thebartendersays,"foryou,thereisnocharge."
528
What
dochiropodistseat
forbreakfast?
Cornflakes!
:)

529
Whathappenendtothecarmechanicthatfellasleepdreamingaboutcars?
Hwoke
upexhausted
530
Whydobirdssingandhummingbirdshum?
Hummingbirdsdon'tknowthewords.
531
businessmanishurryinghomeonthemotorwayafteraharddaysworkwhenheis
stopped
by
apoliceman.'Doyouknowyouweredriving30mphoverthelimit?'asksthe
policeman.'Eh,actualllyno,officer,it'sabigcaranditjustsortofcoastsalong...youkno
w...'
'AndwhatwereyouplanningondoingifyoumetMrFog?'demandsthepoliceman.'Well,'
saysthebusinessman,thinkingitbesttoplayalong,'IsupposeI'deaseoffonMraccelerator,
andswitchonMrheadlightsandMrwindscreenwipers'.Thepolicemanleansinthewindow
andeyeballsthebusinessman.'IaskedyouwhatyouwereplanningondoingifyoumetMIST
OFOG!'
Andthrewthebookathim.
532
"You're
high--pricedlawyer!Ifgivyo$500,
wilyoanswertwquestionsfor
me?"
"Absolutely!What'sthesecondquestion?"

533
teacher)"Jonnywhyareyou
lateforclass"
Jonny)
"wellIwasonmywaytoshoolandIwasalmostherebutthjenIcrossedasign
sayingSLOWsoIhadtogoreallyslowandthat'swhattookmesolong.
534
What'sgreen
andsings?
ElvisParsley
535
Q:Whydopeoplesayyouneverjudgesomeoneuntilyou'vewalkedamileintheir
shoes?
A:Becausethenwhenyoudoyou'llbeamileawayandhavetheirshoes.
536
Whatdoyougetifyoucrossamammalwithareptile?A
Nobelprize
537
Q:Whathappensifyoudon'tpayyourexorsist.A:yougetrepossesed
538
What
hasfourwheelsandflies?
garbagetruck.
539
Me:AskmeifI'anorange!
You:Areyouanorange?
Me:No!
540
What'sthedifferencebetweenatrampolineandabagpipe?
Eventuallyyougettiredofjumpingonatrampoline.
541
mechanic,anengineerandacomputerscientistaretravellingtogetherinacar,when
themotorsuddenlyfails.
Themechanicandengineereachtryvarioustechniquestorestart
thecar..."Pumptheacceleratoracoupleoftimes",saysthemechanic.
"No,replies
the
engineer"turn
the
ignition
key
withouttouching
the

pedal..."
Thcar
refuseto
start.
Afterthefailureofseveralmoreattempts,thecomputerscientistconfidentlyannouncedhis
solution.
"Let's
allgetoutof
the
car,
then
getback
in."
542
patientwalksintothedoctorsofficeandsaysdoctorIhavepainanywhereItouch
mybodywithmyfinger!Thedoctorsaysthatsunusuall.Sohetellhertotouchherarm
with
herfingerandshescreamsinpain.Hetellshertotouchherfootwith
hefingeshyells
in
aggony.Hetellshertotouchherleg
withherfingerandshescreams.Thedoctorthengoesto
thepatient
andsaysjust
asasthoughyourfingerisbroken!
543
What'sredandinvisible?
Notomatoes.
544
"Thatfunnyreptileyouhavewhatsitsname?"
"Tiny"
"WhdyocaliTiny"
"BecaushiMNewt"
545
Police
were
called
to
PizzHutiLeedatthe
weekend
after
thebodyofaworkerwasfoundcoveredinmushrooms,onions,

ham
andcheese.A
policespokesmansaidthatthecauseofdeath
had
notbeen
established,
butthere
was
astrong
possibility
thatthe
manhadtoppedhimself
546
Q:Whydoesanelephantpaintitsnailsred?A:soitwon'tbenoticedbetweenthe
strawberries.
Doeitwork?Well...ever
seean
elephantbetween
the
strawberries?
547
Whatisworsethanfindingamaggotinyourapple?
--Findinghalfamaggotinyourapple.
548
manisdrivingdowntheroadwhenhegetspulledoverbyacopper.Thecopper
draws
acircle
othe
floorandasksthemantostandinit.Whilethemanstandsinthecircle,
thecoppergetsoutahammerandsmashesthecarsheadlights.Thecopperturnsaroundand
seesthemanlaughing!Sothecoppergoesandsmaheseachofthecarswindows.Thecopper
turnsaroundagainandseesthemanlaughingevenharder!Thefrustratedcopperthen
shoutstotheman,"Whatthehellyoufindingsofunny??"Themanreplies,"Everytimeyou
turnedaround,i'vebeenjumpinginandoutofthiscircle!!
549
Q:What
lieson
thebottom
oftheoceanandquivers?
A:A
nervouswreck.
550
littlebabymouseiswalkinghandinhandtogetherwithhermother.
Suddenlyabatcomesflyingintheair.
Thelittlemousepoint'satthebatsaying:LookMammi,anangel.
551
What

doyou
callaprincesswhoworriesallthetime?A
warriorprincess.
552
DidyouhearabouttheBuddhistmonkwhorefusedtohavehismouthfrozenwhenhe
went
tothedentist?
Hewantedtotranscenddentalmedication.
553
manhadadogcalledminton.Onedaymintonatetwoshuttlecocks.Whentheowner
foundouthesaidbadminton!!!!
554
guytakesatripforashortholiday.
Hiswifeisonabusinesstripthatisendingthe
nextdayandsheplanstoflydownandmeethim.Whenhearrivesathishotelhsendhea
quickmessage.
Unabletofindthepieceofpaperonwhichhewrotehercompanye--mail
address,hedoeshisbestfrom
memory.
Unfortunately,hedoesn'tgetitexactlyrightandthemessageisroutedinsteadtosomeone
whosehusbandrecentlypassedaway.
When
thegrieving
widow
openshere--mail,shetakesonelookathermonitor,screamsand
faints.
Themessageonthecomputerscreenread:
Mydarlingwife...justcheckedin,everythingispreparedforyourarrivaltomorrow.
Looking
forward
to
us
being
together
again.

Yourloving
husband.
PItsurihotdown
here.
555
Icutthebottom
offoneofmytrouserlegstheotherdayandsentthem
tothelibrary.
Well
theresturn--up
forthbooks.
556
SherlockHolmesandDrWatsonwentonacampingtrip.Afteragoodmealanda
bottleofwinetheylaydown
forthenight,
andwent
tosleep.
Somehourslater,Holmesawokeandnudgedhisfaithfulfriend."Watson,lookupatthesky
andtellmewhatyousee."
Watsonreplied,"Iseemillionsandmillionsofstars."
"Andwhatdoesthattellyou?"
Watsonponderedforaminute."Astronomically,ittellsmethattherearemillionsofgalaxies
andpotentiallybillionsofplanets.
Astrologically,IobservethatSaturnisinLeo.
Horologically,Ideducethatthetimeisapproximatelyaquarterpastthree.
Theologically,I
canseethatGodisallpowerfulandthatweare
smallandinsignificant.
Meteorologically,I
suspectthatwewillhaveabeautifuldaytomorrow.
Whatdoesittellyou?"
Holmeswassilentforaminute,thenspoke."Watson,youpillock!
Someonehasstolenour
tent!"
557
guywalksuptothereceptionistinthePhyschiatrist'sofficeandsays"I'the
InvisiblemanandI'dliketotalktotheDoctor".
Shepokesherheadintothe
Physchiatrist's
officeandsaysthereisamanherewhowantstotalktoyouandheclaimshe'stheInvisible
man.
ThePhyschiatristreplies"Tellhim
Ican'tseehim
rightnow".
558
What'sblack,
white,
blue,
andpurplealover?
zebrawithabruise!

559
Anunemployedjesterisnobody'sfool.
560
Wasthatwigexpensive?Howmuchdidyouhavetoupeeforit?
561
neutronwalksintoabarandordersadrink.
Whenheasksthebartenderhowmuch
heoweshim,thebartendersays,"Foryou,it'ncharge."
562
What
doyou
call
SwissFinancieron
theParisUndergound?
metronome.
563
Whydidthechicken
crosstheroad?
Toshowthepossum
thatitCOULDbedone.
564
Twomenarehiredtodoajobinabuilding.
Aftertheownerexplainseverything,
he
leaves.
Whenhereturnsawhilelater,heseesonemanworkingdiligentlyandtheotherman
hangingontheceiling,singing"I'achandelier,I'achandelier."
Theownerordershim
to
comedownandgetbacktowork.
whilelatertheownerreturnstofindtheoneworking
diligentlyandtheotherbackontheceiling,singing"I'achandelier,I'achandelier"again.

"That'sit"theownerreplies,"youarefired."
Thentheownernoticesthatthemanwhohad
beenworkingallthetimewaspackingupallhisthingsalso.
"You'renotfired,justhim"
the
ownersays.
Themanreplies,"Areyoukidding?
Ican'tworkwithoutanylight!"
565
groupofdentistsdecidedtosetupanewsurgery.Sincecompetitionintheirarea
wasquitefierce,theywantedtheirnewbusinesstohavesomethinguniqueaboutit.
Aftermuchthought,theydecidedtosetupshoponboardaboat,mooredonthebanksofthe
river.Asanaddedbonus,theyalsoofferedrivercrossingsintheboat,withthedentistrywork
beingperformedduringthecrossing.
ThebusinessquicklybecameknownastheToothFerry.
566
groupofastronaughtsareonthemoon.They'vebeenminingthesurface,andhave
discoveredthatitreallyismadeofcheese.
Oneparticulararea
ofcheese
thatthey're
quite
interested
iialarge
veiobrie,
and
they'vealreadybeentheretwice,andcollectedsamplestobereturnedtomissioncontrol.
Allofasudden,theradiocracklesintolife:"Missioncontroltocheese--base--one
--wneedyou
to
getathird
load
othatbrie!"
Buttheastronaughtsareunhappywiththeidea.Theytrytocomeupwithallsortsofexcuses
whytheyshouldn'tdiganymore...
"It'llspoiltheenvironmentifwetaketoomuch.Wedon'twanttoleavethisplacelooking
bad...
"Afterall--haveyoueverseensuchasiteinyourlifeasbrieminedthrice?"
567
Onceavillagebum
wentonanairplaneforthefirsttime.Aftersometurbulencethe
villagebum
askedthemansittingnexttohim
toopenthewindowsohecanthrow
upThe
mantoldhim
thewindowcannotbeopenedsothevillagebum
startedbeatinguptheman.
Soonaflightattendantcameandaskedhim
thereasonforhisbehaviour.Afterlisteningtohis
complainttheflightattendanttoldhim
aboutthebarfbag.Afterwhiletheflight

attendant
cameandsawallthepassengersbarfing.Sincethevillagebum
wastheonlyonenotthrowing
uptheflightattendantaskedhim
whathadhappened.Tothisthevillagebum
repliedthatas
hwas
throwing
ueveryonstared
athim
sobeingembarassedhedrankitback.
568
Q.Whatdoyoucallawomanwhocanbalance4pintsofbeeronherhead?
A.Beatrix
569
Whyareseagullscalledseagulls?
Becauseifthey
flew
overthebaythey'dbebagels.
570
What
didthesnail
say
whileriding
on
theturtlesback?
WHEEEE!!!
571
earlyonemorningagentlemanwasdoinghispushupexercisesincentralparkwhena
drunkcamealongandtappedhim
ontheshoulderandsaid"saymisterithinkyour
girlfriendsgonehome"
572
hadadream
thatiwasamufflerlastnight.
Iwokeupexhausted.

573
Whycan'tanEngineertellajoketiming.
574
Whydin't
thetedybearfinishitsdinner?
it
wasstuffed.
575
AnAmerican,anAustralianandaJapanesemanbecomestrandedonatropicalisland.
TheAmericandecidestotakechargeandsays.
"I'llbeinchargeofengineering"hethenlooksattheAustralianandsays"Youcanbein
chargeofbuilding"andfinallylooksattheJapanesemanandsays"You'reinchargeofthe
supplies".
TheyallwanderoffintothejungleandallexcepttheJapanesemanreturnafew
hourslater.MonthsgobyandtheAustralianandAmericanhavemadedowithoutthe
Japanesemanandhavebuiltarigidbamboohut.Finally,onthehorizonaNavyhelicopter
appearsandlandsofthebeach,theAustralianandAmericanjoyfullyrunuptoit.Suddenly,
theJapanesemanjumpsoutfrom
behindapalm
treeandscreams"SUPPLIES!!"
576
WhatmakesGodlaugh?
Ans:Peoplemakingplans.....
577
Dave:MeandthemissuswenttotheCaribbeanthisyearforoursummerholidays.
John:Jamaica?
Dave:
No,she
wentof
heownaccord!
578
Q:Why
doelephantsdrink?
A:Totryandforget
579
blackmanwalksintoastorewithaparotonhisshoulder.theclerkaskwherehegot
him
from.theparotsaid,"Africa,thereisawholebunchofthem
downthere."
580
Whatdoyoucallaboomerangthatdoesn'tcomeback?
stick.
581
Whatdoyoucallaflywithoutwings?A
walk

582
Howdo
nuns
boilwater?
Theboilthe
helloutoit.
583
maleostrichwaschasingtwofemaleostriches.
Theonefemalesaidtotheother,
"He's
starting
tgaiouswbetterhide!"
Sothestoppeanstuctheirheadithesand.
Themaleostrichsaid,"...Hey,
where'd
thego?"
584
3leggeddogwalksintoabarandsays"Whoshotmypaw?"
585
stringwalksintoabar,andthebartendersays"Wedon'tservestringshere".
Sothe
string
goeinto
another
bar,
and
the
bartender
says
"We
don'tserve
strings
here".Sthe
stringgoesintoANOTHERbar,andthebartendersays"Wedon'tservestringshere".
Thestringgetsallmad,sohepullsandruffleshimselfallup.

Thstring
then
goeinto
another
bar
and
the
bartender
says
"We
don'tserve..hey?
Arn't
youastring?"andthestringreplies"Im
afrayedknot".
586
WhenNASA
firststartedsendingupastronauts,theyquicklydiscoveredthatballpointpenswouldnotwo
rkinzerogravity.
Tocombattheproblem,NASA
scientistsspentadecade
and$12
billion
to
developapen
thatwrites
izergravity,
upside
down,
underwater,
onalmostanysurfaceincludingglassandattemperaturesrangingfrom
belowfreezingto300C.
ThRussians
useapencil.
587
Descartes
walks
into
abar.The
bartender
askif
he'like
abeer.
Descartes
replies,
"I
think
not."
Then
hedisapears.
588
fishwalksintoabarandthebartendersayswhatwillitbe.Thefishreplieswater!

589
depressedhorsewalksintoabar.
Thebarmanaskshim,"Whythelongface?"
590
mangoestoapsychiatristandsays,"Doc,yougottahelpme.
I'vebeenhavingthe
strangestdreams.
LastnightIdreamedIwasateepee,andthenightbeforeIdreamedIwasawigwam.Whatdoyouthink
itmeans?"
Thedoctorponderedamoment
andreplied,
"Well,
it
sounds
like
you're
two
tents."
591
twopeanutswaldown
thestreet
andonewassalted.
592
Q.whatdidthemalevolcanosaytothefemalevolcano?
A.
doyoulavamelikeilavayou!
593
newteacherwastryingtomakeuse
ofherpsychology
courses.
Shstarted
herclasbsaying"Everyone
whthinkthey're
stupid,standup!"
Afterafewseconds,LittleJohnnystoodup.
Thteacher
said,
"Dyothinkyou'rstupid,
Little
Johnny?
LittleJohnnyreplied,"No,ma'am,but
hatetoseeyou
standing
there
allby
yourself."
594
Q:whydidthefootballcoachgotothebank?A:togethisquarterback!
595

Diyouhear
aboutthe
shipthatranaground
carryingacargo
orepaintand
black
paintThwholcrew
wasmarooned.
596
Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightblub?
Tgetto
the
other
side.
597
Whydidn'ttheClam
sharehiscandy?BecausehewasShellfish
598
Whatisthedifferencebetweenignorance,apathy,andambivalence?Idon'tknowand
don't
care
onwaorthother.

599
Philosopherandscientistwerebeingchasedbyalion.TheScientistlookedbackand
madeaswiftcalculation.Puffing,hesaidtothephilosopher--'wcan'ourun
iyoknow'
ThPhilosopher
was
slightlyahead,hereplied'Iam
nottryingtooutrunthelion,Iam
trying
toout
run
you!
600
Charles
Dickens
walks
into
abar
and
orderaMartini.Bartender
asks
"Olive
or
Twist?"
601
Whycan'tdalmationsplayhideandseek?Becausetheyarealwaysspotted.
602
Aninebriateentersarestaurantandasksthecashier,"Didyouseemecomeinthe
doorthere?"
"Yesdid,
sir."
"Haveyoueverseenmebefore?"
"No,
haven't."
"Then,howdidyouknowitwasme?"
603
What
doyou
call
oneleggedballarenia'scostume?A
One--One
604
doctorsaystohispatient,"Withoutthesetreatments,you'vegot3monthstolive,"
andhandshim
abill.
Thepatientsays,"MyGod!
Lookatallthese.

Ican'tcomeupwiththiskindofmoneyin3
months!"
Thedoctorsays,"Alright!
You'vegot6monthstolive."
605
Howdoyoumakeacatgowoof?
Poupetroloit.
606
swede(vegetable)walksintoalibraryandthelibrarianlooksupandsays"There'sa
turnip
forthebooks"
607
IfSondraLockemarriedElliotNess,divorcedhim
andmarriedHermanMunster,she'd
beSondra
LockeNessMunster.
608
guygoestothedoctorandcomplainshecan'tstopsingingthe"Green,GreenGrass
OfHome".
Thedoctorsaysit'stheTom
JonesSyndrome
Thguyasks
ifit'scommon.
Thdoctor
replies:
"It's
notunusual"
609
"Doctor,IusedtothinkIwasadog,butIreckonI'curednow--wow--wow!"
"Isee.Howlongdidyouhavethiscomplaint?"
"Eversincwapuppy."
"Interesting.
Welljusliothcoucthere."
"ButI'notallowedonthecouch..."

610
Q:What
isbig,
grey
andsingstheBlues?
A:ElephantGerald.
611
What'syellow
andstupid?
Thick
custard!!!!!
612
Knock
Knock
Who'sthere?
Boo
Boowho
Dontcry
613
IfIeatthreecakesinthemorningand
three
fotea...whatwillIhave/
Answer:A
tummyache
614
piratewalksintoapub.
Anotherpatron,havingnevermetapiratebefore,wantsto
know
thestoriesbehindthebattlescars.
Hebuysthepiratepint,
andstrikesua
conversation.
"How'd
yogethpeleg?"
"SharktookoffmelegintheSouthSeas."
"How
abouthahook?"
"Lost
thhanisword
fight."
"Andtheeyepatch?"
"Seagullpoopedinmeeye."
"Areseagulldroppingsreallythatdangerous?"
"No,butitweremefirstday
withthehook."
615
mangoesintoapubandseeshisbestfriendplayingchesswithadog.
Hsays
"That's

avery
clever
dogyou've
gotthere!"to
which
hifriend
replied,"He's
notthat
clever,
hdoesn'toften
win!"
616
magicianisveryhappy
because
hhagotjobothe
Titanic.So
hgets
othe
ship,
andthat
night
hedoeshisacin
front
hundredsofpeoplebudoesn't
get
very
farforhis
parrot
keepsgivinawathanswers"It'sunderthtable.It'suhissleelve.It'sbehindhis
back."Themagiciangoesoffthestageverydepressed,andthishappenedagainandagainand
again
until
onenight,
unfortunaly,
theship
hit
aice--bergandsank!Luckily,themagicianand
hiparrotescaped
ialifeboat.They
sailed
oand
ofodays
withoutseeing
anyoneand
throughallofthistime,theparrothadalookoftotalconfusiononhisfaceanddidn'tuttera
singleword.Themagicianthoughtthattheparrotmustbesickofhunger,untilonedaywhen
theparrot
said.
"O.Kgivup.Where
havyou
hiddethe
stupid
ship???!!!!"
617
manisdrivingtoworkandiscalledonhismobile.It'shisbosssayinghe'sbeen
promoted.Themanissohappyhiscarwobblesintheroad.A

littlewhilelaterthereis
anotherphonecallandhe'sbeenpromotedagain.Heissohappyheswervesintothemiddle
oftheroadandbackintohislane.Laterthereisanotherphonecall.Forthe3rdtimeheis
promoted.Heissooverwhelmedwithjoythatheswervesofftheroadandbangsintoatree.

passingcarstopsandamangetsoutandsays"Areyoualright,whathappened?"andthpassingcar
stopsandamangetsoutandsays"Areyoualright,whathappened?"andthe
othermanreplies"I'careered'offtheroad."
618
whydidthemermaidblushbecausetheseaweed!
619
Whydidthemuddychickencrosstheroadtwice?
Answer:HewasaDirtyDouble--Crosser!
620
Whydidthedog
crosstheroadtwice?
Answer:Hewastryingtofetchaboomerang!
621
Whydoesamoonrocktastebetterthananearthrock?A
moonrock'salittlemeteor.
622
There'this
guwith
awooden
eyeHe'versensitive
about
it,
sohedoesn't
get
out
much.
Oneday,heseesanadforadance,andhedecidestogo.
Hegetsthere,andheseesan
attractiveyoungladywithagiganticnose.
Hethinkstohimself"Well,shehasthathugenose.
Maybeshe'llbemoreacceptingofmywoodeneye."
Hewalksovertoherandsays"Would
yolike
to
dance?"
Shreplies
"OhWouldn'tI!Hshouts
"BinoseBinose!"
623
Guyissittinginabar.A
beautifulwomanwalksin.She'saknock--outand
hcan'ttake
hieyeofher.Shenoticeshim
andsmiles.Shesashaysoverandsitsbesidehim.Shelooks
intohiseyesandtellshim,"For$200I'lldoanythingyouwant."He'sastounded."Anything?!"
,
hasks

her"Yes,
_anything_!",
shreplies.
Htakes
outhiwalletand
slaps
$200
othe
bar.
"Here's$200.Paintmyhouse!"
624
mancamehomefrom
golfingoneSaturdayalittlelaterthanheusuallydid.
Hiswife
askedhim
why.
"Bohaheart
attacandieright
there
oth9thole!"
hexplained.
"Oh,mygoodness,howhorrible!"sheexclaimed.
"Nowonderyou'relate!"
"Yeah,hsaid"Forthwholrest
othcourse,
iwa'hithballdrag
Bobhithbal...'"
625
someonewaswalkinginstreet&carryingarabbit,anotheronemethim
&ask:How
muchdoesthisdonkeycost?themanreply:itisnotadonkeyitisarabbit,theanothersaid:I
didn'taskyouI'askingtherabbit:))
626
Whatsthedifferancebetweenasharkandalemon?
Theybothswim,exceptforthelemon.
627
What'sblueandsquare?
abananidisguise
628
motherputherchildtosleepandthenwenttothekitchen.Shethensawhersonand
heasked,"CanIhaveaglassofwater?"Themothergavehim
aglassandhebackupstairs.
Minuteslatertheboyreturnedasking
forglassagain.Themotherwonderedwhatcould
makeherchildsothirstyandwhenhecamebackdownaskingforanotherglassofwater,the

mothersaid,"That'syourthirdglasstonight!What'swrongwithyou?Whyareyouso
thirsty?"
"Oh!"
saidthlittlboyThwater'snotforme.Theroof'sonfire."
629
What
istheleading
causeofdryskin?
Towels
630
manwalksuptothemaindeskalibraryandsaysinaloudcommandingvoicetothe
librarian,I'lltaketwohamburgers,nomayonnaise,andanorderoffries.
Thlibrarian
looks
upathim,shocked.Summoningupallthetestyauthorityshecan,shesaystohim,Sir,thisisa
library!
Themanpausesforonlyasplitsecondandthenleansoverclosetoher,cupshishandover
hismouthsoastodirecthisvoiceonlytoherear,andwhispers,I'lltaketwohamburgers,no
mayonnaise,andanorderoffries.
631
whatgoeshahabonk?amanlaughinghisheadoff!
632
"Doctor!"saidthepatient."Ikeepseeingspotsbeforemyeyes."The
physician
scratchedhishead,"Whyhaveyoucometome?Haveyouseenanopthalmologist?"
"No,replied
thpatient"jusspots."
633
Twotelevisionswalkintoabarandthebarmansays"sorry,wedon'tserveyourkind
ihere"and
ontelevision
turns
to
the
other
and
says
"we'renot
getting
great
reception
in
here"
634
Whydidtheprojectorblush?
Becauseitsawthefilm
strip.

635
Twopenguinsaresittinginabathtub.Thefirstoneasksthesecondonetopasshim
thesoap.
Thesecondonesays,
"What
doyou
think
am,atypewriter?"
636
Whyarechickensconsideredgoodemployees?Becausetheyworkaroundthecluck.
637
Inadarknight,underastreetlantern,someoneseeksafteralostkey.Anotherhelps
seeking,
and
after
half
an
hour
otheir
knees,
the
otherasks:"Areyoureallysurethatyou
lost
yourkeyright
athisplace?".
Theoneanswers:"No,
lost
it
furtherdown
theroad,
but
herthe
lightning
ibetter!".
638
youngladcamehomeafterhisfirstdayatschoolwasaskedbyhismotherhowdid
heenjoyhisfirstdayatschool.
Hetoldherthattheotherkidswereteasinghim.
Theykept
laughingandcallinghim
bighead.Hismothertoldhim
toignorethem.Shealsotoldhim
that
therewasnothingwrongwithhishead.
Shethenaskedhim
togothe
store
and
getten
poundsofpotatoes.Heaskedherwhatcouldusetocarrythem
in.
Shereplied--------use

your
hat.
639
Whyaren't
elephantsallowedon
thebeach?
Theycan't
keep
theirtrunksup.

640
Howdo
youkeepanidiotinsuspense?
I'ltell
you
later...
641
Anelephantandamouseweretalkingtogether.
Theelephantsaidtothemouse,"Whyam
Isobigandstrongandheavyandyouaresotiny,
weak
andpunyandgrey?"
Themousesaid,"Well,I'vebeenillhaven'tI!"
642
Customer:Waiter,there'saflyinmysoup.
Waiter:Therecan'tbe.Weusedthem
allintheraisinbread....
643
TTelthweather,
Gtyourbacdoorandlooforthdog.
Ifthdog
isathdoorandhiswetit'sprobably
raining.
Buifthdog
isstanding
there
really
soaking
wetiisprobably
raining
really
hard.
Ifthdog'sfurlookslikit'sbeerubbedthwrong
way,
it'sprobably
windy.
Ifthdog
hassnow
ohisbackit'sprobably
snowing.
Ofcourse,
tbablttelthweatherlikethis,
you
havetoleavethedogoutsideallthetime,especiallyif
yoexpecbadweather.
Sincerely,TheCAT
644
groupofmanagersweregiventheassignmenttomeasuretheheightofaflagpole.So
theywent
totheflagpolewithladderandmeasuringtape.Theykeepfallingofftheladder,
droppingthetapeandthewholethingisinamess.Anengineercomesalongandseeswhat

theyaretryingtodo.Hewalksover,pullstheflagpoleoutoftheground,layitflat,measures
itfrom
endtoend,givesthemeasurementtooneofthemanagersandwalksaway.Afterthe
engineerleft,onemanagerturnstoanotherandlaughs.''Isn'tthatjustlikeanengineer?We
arelooking
fortheheight
andhegivesusthelength!''
645
husbandsteppedononeof
those
pennscales
thattellyoyoufortune
and
weight
anddroppedin
coin.
"Listentothis,"hesaidtohiswife,showingherasmall,whitecard."ItsaysI'energetic,
bright,
resourceful
andgreat
person."
"Yeah,hiwifnodded"anihasyourweight
wrong,
too."
646
manwalksintoapubandseesVincentVanGoghsittinginthecorner.
"Fancy
pinVincent?"
hasks
"Nthanks,Van
Gogreplies,
"I'vgoon'ere."
647
Manwalksintoabarandimmediatelynoticestwopiecesofmeatnailedtotheceiling.
"What'swiththemeat?",heasksthebarman.

"Oh,that'sjustalittlecompetition.",thebarmanexplained."Ifyoucanjumpupandcatcha
pieceofmeatbetweenyourteeth,thenyougetafreedrink.".
"Iyofailhowever,
you
buy
the
whole
bar
adrink.".
"Wouldyouliketohaveago?",thebarmanasked.
"Idon'tthinkso",repliedtheman,"thesteaksaretoohigh."
648
mangoestothedoctorsandsays'Ihaveaproblem
doc,Ican'tsaymy'f's,my't'sor
my'h's.
The
doctor
says
'wellyocan'tsay
fairer
than
that'.
649
Q.Whathaveanorangeandaparrottgotincommom?
A.Neitherofthem
candriveatractor.
650
Two
oranges
are
walking
down
the
road.
Thonorange
says
to
the
other,
"Sowhere
dyolivthen?"
and
the
other
replies,
"I'nottellingyou,you'llnickmywashingofftheline!"
651
sontomother"there'samanatthedoorwithabill"
mothertoson"don'tbesillyitmustbeaduckwithahaton"

652
Whyareelephantsbig,
greyandwrinkled?Becauseiftheyweresmall,whiteand
smooththeywouldbeaspirin.
653
Didyouhearaboutthemanthatwaswalkingdownthestreetandturnedintoahotel?
654
frogtelephonesapsychichotlineandistold:"Youaregoingtomeetabeautiful
younggirlwhowillwanttoknoweverythingaboutyou.""Great!"saysthefrog."WillImeet
heataparty?"
"No,replies
the
psychic"Nextyear,
iabiology
class."
655
Q:Howmanypragmatistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
A:
One.
656
mangoesintoapetshoptobuyaparrot.Theshopownerpointstothreeidentical
looking
parrotson
perchandsays:
"Thparrot
tthlefcost50dollars".
"Whydoestheparrotcostsomuch?"thecustomerasks.
Thowner
says,
"Well,
itknows
howtouseacomputer."Thecustomerasksaboutthenextparrotandistold"Thatonecosts1,000d
ollarsbecauseit
cadeverything
the
other
parrotcadplus
itknows
howto
usthe
UNIoperating
system."Naturally,theincreasinglystartledmanasks
aboutthe
third
parrotand
itold
"Thatone
costs
2,00dollars."
Needless
to
say

this
begs
the
question
"Whatcan
IT
do?"
Twhich
the
owner
replies
"Tbe
honesthave
neveseeitdathing
butthe
other
two
callhim
boss!"

657
Howdo
youkeepanelephantfrom
charging?
Take
away
hicreditcard!
658
What
didthenecktiesaytothehat?
You
goon
headandI'll
just
hang
around.
659
Two
statisticians
when
duckhunting.
Notbeing
vergoodthey
dinotseaduckall
day.
Justas
theyagreedtoleave,aduckflewoutinfrontofthem.
Bothaimedandfired.
One
shotwenttwometrestotheleftoftheduck,theothertwometrestotheright,andtheduck
escaped.
However,theywenthomeveryhappy,becauseonaveragethebirdwasdead!
660
manandafriendareplayinggolfonedayattheirlocalgolfcourse.Oneoftheguysis
about
tochip
ontothegreen
when
heseeslong
funeral
procession
on
theroadnext
tothe
course.Hestopsinmid--swing,
takes
ofhigolf
cap,
closes
hieysand
bows
down
iprayer.

Hisfriendsays,"Wow,thatisthemostthoughtfulandtouchingthingIhaveeverseen.You
trulyareakindman."Themanthenreplies,"Yeah,wellweweremarried35years."
661
Whatdoyoucallamysticmidgetwhohasjustescapedfrom
prison?A
smallmedium
alarge.
662
Two
cows
iafield.
Oneturnstotheotherandsays"AreyouworriedaboutthisMadCowDisease?"
Thother
cowsays
"NonjsuiNapoleon"
663
Ifafirst
yodon't
succeed,
Skydiving
isn'tthsport
foryou.
664
Onedark
foggy
night,
waswalking
aloneon
narrow
country
roadwhen
out
ofthe
fogappearedasmallcarmovingveryslowly--andwithnosound!Ijumpedtothesideofthe
road
butas
itdrewlevel,itstopped!
Through
the
windows
coulseno--one
--ndriver,
nothinglookecloserantheopenethpassengerdoor(I
waothaside)anbraced
myselftoclimbin.Immediatelythecarstartedtomoveagain,justasslowly!Ifroze,kneeling
othe
seatclutching
its
back.MomentslaterthecarstoppedandIalmostfellout.AsI
scrambledtomyfeet,theghostly,shamblingfigureofamandriftedtowardsmeoutofthefog
andIscreamedout"Oh,god,there'ssomethingwrongaboutthiscar!"
Thshadowy

figure
stopped.It
gaspedanthevoiccroaked
"knowI'vbeepushing
itforhalfamile!"
.
665
Twofarmersarestandingbyafence.Oneofthem
askstheother:
--Doyourcowssmoke?
--No...
--No?
Thesuppose
yourbarn
isofire.
666
amanwalksintoabutchersshop:
man:apoundofkidleysplease.
butcher:what?
man:Isaidapoundofkidleys!

butcher:dontyoumeanapoundofkidneys?
man:thatswhatIsaid,diddleI?
667
Howdo
yougetaphilosopher
ofyour
porch?
Pafothepizza.
668
Whatdoucallagingerbreadmanwithonlyoneleg??LimpBiscuit
669
QWhat
doCatsliketoeat
forbreakfast?.
A.Mice--Krispies
670
Howmanypunkrockersdoesittaketochangealightbulb?Two,onetochangethe
bulandonetokickthechairoutfrom
underneathhim.
671
QWhat
doyou
givedeadbread?
A.A
toast--mortem
672
Twotelevisionaerielsmetontopofaroofandfellinlove,andsoondecidedtogetmarried.Thes
ervicewasterrible--buthreception
wasbrilliant!
673
Wheredoesapolicemanlive?
99letsbe
avenue.
674
knock
knock
who'sthere?
Alison
Alisonwho?
AlisonWonderland
675

Whatdoyoucallanunwithawashingmachineonherhead?
SisterMatic
676
Twoelderlygentlemenweretalking.
One
says"Boythinehearing
aigoworks
great!caheareverything
now.Thotheronsays"That'wonderful!Whakiniit?"It'quarterpastwo."
677
Q.Whyistelevisioncalledamedium?A.Itisneitherrarenorwell--done.
678
largeholeappearedintheHighStreetthismorning.Thepolicearelookingintoit.
679
coupleareouttouringahousethattheywanttobuywitharealtorwhentheyask
therealtor,
"Thehouseisverynice,
buisthisquiet
neighborhood?"
Therealtoranswers,"Sure,therehavebeensixmurders,sevenrobberies,andnoonehearda
thing."

680
Timeflieslikethewind.
Fruitflieslikeabanana.
681
Ifmissuniverseisnotfixedthenwhyareallthewinnersfrom
earth
682
Bacon
andeggs
walks
into
abar,
and
the
bartender
says
"Sorrywe
don'tserve
breakfast".
683
What
didonesnakesaytoanother?
"Mum,arewesupposedtobepoisonous?"
"Nsonwhy?"
"BecauseIjustbitmylip!"
691
businessownerhasjustmovedplacesandwasreopeningsoon.A
friendofhis
wantedtococratulatehim
sohewenttothelocalfloristandaskedifhecouldhavesome
flowersdeliveredtotheman.Hethenaskedthefloristworkertowritesomethingclevertogo
withtheflowers.A
fewdayslaterthefloristreceivesphonecall.Itwastheboss."Iam
sure
therewasamuckupinyourdeliveryservice,myflowerscamebutitsaid:RestInPeaceonit"
"WellI'sorry"wasthereply"Butyouthinkofthesemournersatafuneralatthemoment
withflowers
with
acard
saying:
Congratulations
oyounewplace"
692
whatshouldyoudoifyougetsnowinyourmouth?
Justgrityour
teeth!
693

husbandandwifewerehavingafinediningexperienceattheirexclusivecountry
clubwhen
this
stunning
youngwomancomesovertotheirtable,givesthehusbandabigkiss,
saysshe'llseehim
laterandwalksaway.
Hiswifeglaresathim
andsays,"Whowasthat?!"
"Oh,"repliesthehusband,"she'smymistress."
"Welthat'thlasstraw,"
saythwife"I'vehadenough,Iwantadivorce.Iam
goingto
hirethemostaggressive,meanestdivorcelawyerIcanfindandmakeyourlifemiserable."
"Icanunderstandthat,"repliesherhusband,"butremember,ifwegetadivorceitwillmean
nomorewinteringinKeyWest,ortheCaribbean,nomoresummersinTuscany,nomore
CadillacSTSinthegarage,andnomorecountryclub,andwe'llhavetosellthe26--room
house
andmovetotwosmallerhomes,butthedecisionisyours."
Justthen,amutualfriendenterstherestaurantwithagorgeousyoungwomanonhisarm.
"Who'sthatwithJim?"asksthewife.
"That'shismistress,"saysherhusband.
Thwife
replies,
"Ours
iprettier."
694
collecbadgers.
Onday
I'lhavthfull
set.
695
WhattimedidtheChinamangotothedentist
Tooth
hurty

696
monsteryfallsonhardtimesso2monksdecidetoopenaFISH&CHIPbar.Onthe
firstdayofopeningawomancomesinandseesoneofthemonkspeelingspuds,soshesays
tohim,"Youmustbethechipmonk",hereplies,"No,I'thefriar"!!
697
Jesus
decideto
helpSt.Peter
atthe
Pearly
Gates.
veryoldmanapproachedandJesusaskedhim,"Howhaveyoulivedyourlife?"
Theoldmanreplied,"Iwasacarpenter."
Jesuslookedcloselyattheoldman.
Iitis
it....you,
father?"
Theoldmanpeeredbackathim.
"IiyouPinocchio?"
698
Couplegoestoapsychiatrist.
Womansays,"Doc,myhusbandthinkshe'sadog.
Can
youhelphim?"
Shrinksays,"Sure,havehim
liedownonthecouch."
Womansays,"Ohno.
He'notallowed
onthe
couch."
699
manwalksintoabarwithapieceoftarmacunderhisarm.Hesaystothebarman"
apintformeandonefortheroad".
700
manwaswalkinginthecountryandsawapigwithawoodenlegsittingoutsidea
barn.Ashewasponderingthis,thepig'sownercamealong.Themanaskedthefarmerhow
thepig
got
hiswooden
leg.
Thefarmersaid,"Letmetellyou,thatissomepig!OurhousecaughtfirelastMay,andhe
draggedmykidstosafety!"
"Ithahohlosthisleg?"themanasked.
"No,"repliedthefarmer."Butamonthago,Ialmostdrownedandthatpigswam
throughicy
watertopullmetoshore!"
"Sothat'showhelosthisleg,"themanasked.
"Oh,no.Andjustaweekago,mywife'scarslidofftheroad
onto
the
train

tracks.
Thatpig
brokethroughthewindowandhelpedheroutjustasafreighttraincamethrough!"
"SoTHAT'Showhelosthisleg!"themansaid.
"Nosir."
"ThenHOWdidheloseit?"themanbegged.
"Wellsir,"thefarmerreplied,"whenyou
gotpithatterrific,
yodon'twantto
eatitallat
once."
701
duckwalksintoapostofficeandasksthepostman:"Doyouhaveanycorn?"The
postmananswerspolitely:"No,wedon'thaveanycornhere."Thenextdaytheduckenters
thestoreagainandasks:"Doyouhaveanycorn?"bitannoyedthepostmananswers:"No!
Wedon't
haveanycorn."
Thisgoeson
forcoupleofdays.
Finallyonedaywhen
theduck
asks:"Doyouhaveanycorn?",thepostmangetssoupsetheyells:"NO!Forthelasttime,we
don'thave
any
cornand
iyouaskagain,
I'llnailyour
beakto
the
counter!!"
Thnextday
the
duckreturnstothestoreandasks:"Doyouhaveanynails?"Thepostmananswers:"No."
Thethe
duckasks:"
Dyohave
any
corn?"
702
teacherwastaking
herclassforwalin
thewoods.

"NoMary,"she
said.
"Whadyocalthoutsidotree?!
"Idon`tmiss,"saidMary.
"Bark,
yosillgirl,"said
thteacher."Bark!"
"Oalright
then,"saiMary.
"Woof--Woof!"
703
Mum:Comeon,John,eatyour
breakfast;you`llbe
late
foschool.
John:Idon`twanttogotoschool.Theteachersdon`tlikeme,thechildrendon`tlikeme--even
thecaretakerdoesn`tlikeme!
Mum;Allthesame,youmustgo.
John:Why
should
Igo?
Mum:Well,foronethingyou`refortyfiveyearsold,andforanotheryourtheheadmaster.
704
Therearetwoteddybearsintheairingcuboard.whichoneisinthearmy?
Answer:Theoneonthetank.
705
Howdo
youconfuse
anidiot?
Purple!!
706
Q.WhyisTobleronetriangular?
A.Soiwilfit
ithbox.
707
Q:WhatdoJohntheBaptistandWinniethePoohhaveincommon?
A:Thesamemiddlename!
708
DidyouhearabouttheHamsterfounddeadinhiscage?....Apparentlyhefellasleepat
thewheel!
709
Oneafternoon
littleboywasplayingoutdoors.Heusedhismother'sbroom
asa
horseandhadawonderfultimeuntilitwasgettingdark.Heleftthebroom

onthebackporch.
Hismotherwascleaningupthekitchenwhensherealizedthatherbroom
wasmissing.
She
askedthelittleboyaboutthebroom
andhetoldherwhereitwas.Shethenaskedhim
to
pleasegogetit.
Thelittleboyinformedhismom
thathewasafraidof
thedarkanddidn't
wanttogoouttogetthebroom.His
mothersmiledandsaid'TheLordisouttheretoo,
don't
beafraid'Thelittleboyopenedtheback
doorlittleandsaid'Lordifyou'reout
there,
hand
methebroom'.
710
Joan,thetowngossipandsupervisorofthetown'smorals,recentlyaccusedGeorge,a
localman,ofbeinganalcoholicbecauseshesaw
hispickup
truck
parkedoutsidethetown's
only
bar.
Georgestaredatherforamoment,andsaidnothing.
Later
thatevening,he
parked
hipickuptruckinfrontof
hehouse
and
leftitthere
allnight.

711
Therwas
alawyer
and
hewasjustwakingupfrom
anesthesiaaftersurgery,andhis
wifewassitting
byhisside.
Hieyefluttered
openand
hsaid,"You're
beautiful!"and
thenhe
fellasleepagain.His
wife
hadneverheardhim
saythatsoshestayedbyhisside.
coupleminuteslaterhiseyesflutteredopen
andhesaid"You'recute!"
Well,
thewifewas
disappointed
because
instead
o"beautiful"
itwas
"cute."
Shsaid"Whahappenet'beautiful'?"
Hireply
was
"The
drugs
are
wearingoff!"
712
Giveamanafishandhewilleatforaday.Teachhim
howtofishandhewillsitina
boat
anddrink
beeralday!
713
"Thisdayholdsalotofmeaningforme.ItwasonthisdaytwoyearsagothatIlostmy
dearwifeandchildren.I'llneverforgetthatgameofcards...."
--Anon.
714
Afteratrialhadbeengoingonforthreedays,Finley,themanaccusedofcommitting
thecrimes,stoodupandapproachedthejudge'sbench.
"YourHonor,Iwouldliketochangemypleafrom
'innocent'to'guilty'ofthecharges."
Thjudgangrily
banged
hifistothe
desk.

"Iyou'rguilty,
why
didn'tyosay
sithe
firstplaceandsavethiscourtalotoftimeandinconvenience?"hedemanded.
Finley
looked
upwide--eyed
and
stated,
"Well,
when
the
trialstarted
thought
wasinnocent,
butthatwasbeforeIheardalltheevidenceagainstme."
715
Oursupermarkethadasaleonbonelesschickenbreasts,andawomanIknow
intendedtostockup.
Atthestore,however,she
wasdisappointedtofindonlyafewskimpy
prepackagedportionsofthepoultry,soshecomplainedtothebutcher.
"Don'tworry,lady,"hesaid.
"I'llpacksomemoretraysandhavethem
readyforyoubythe
timeyoufinishshopping."
Severalaisleslater,myfriendheardthebutcher'svoiceboom
ovethe
public--address
system:
"Willtheladywhowantedbiggerbreastspleasemeetmeatthebackofthestore."
716
Seangothomeintheearlyhoursofthemorningafteranightatthelocalpub.He
madesucharackethittingintothefurnitureashe
weaved
hiway
through
the
housethathe
wokeupthemissus.
"Whatonearthareyoudoingdownthere?"sheyelleddownfrom
thebedroom."Getyourself
uhere
tbedanddon't
wakethneighbours."
"I'tryingtogetabarrelofGuinnesupthestairs"hshouted.
"Leaveit'tillthemorning"sheshouteddown
"can'thsai"I'vdrank
it!"
717
groupofkindergartenchildrenwereonaclassoutingtotheirlocalpolicestation
wheretheysawpictures,tackedtoabulletinboard,ofthe10mostwantedmen.
Oneoftheyoungsterspointedtopictureandaskedifit

really
wasthephotoofwanted
person.
"Yes,"answeredthepoliceman.

"Well,"wonderedthechild,"whydidn'tyoukeephim
whenyoutookhispicture?"
718
Whilemakinghisrounds,adoctor
points
outan
X--raytoagroupofinterns.
"Asyou
canseethepatientislimpingbecausehisleftfibulaandtibiaareradicallyarched.
Michael,
whatwouldyoudoinacaselikethis?"
"Well,"saidtheintern,"IsupposeI'dlimptoo."
720
mancommitssuicide.
Inoneofhispockets,thepolicefindanenvelope.
Insidethe
envelope
ianote
thatreads:
"Whatare
yolooking
iherfor?"
721
worriedMrs.Melchniksprangtothetelephonewhenitrangandlistenedwithrelief
tothekindly
voiciheear.
"How
are
youdarling?"
isaid"Whakinodaare
yohaving?"
"Oh,mother,"saidthehousewife,breakingintobittertears,"I'vehadsuchabadday.
The
babywon'teatandthewashingmachinebrokedown.
Ihaven'thadachance
tgshopping,
andbesides,I'vejustsprainedmyankleandIhavetohobblearound.
Ontopofthat,the
houseisamessandI'supposedtohavetwocouplestodinnertonight."
Themotherwasshockedandwasatonceallsympathy.
"Oh,darling,"shesaid,
"sit
down,
relax,and
close
your
eyes.
I'llbe
oveinhalf
anhour.
I'lldo
your
shopping,cleanupthe

house,andcookyourdinnerforyou.
I'llfeedthebabyandI'llcallarepairmanIknowwho'll
beatyourhousetofixthewashingmachinepromptly.
Nowstopcrying.
I'lldoeverything.In
fact,I'llevencallGeorgeattheofficeandtellhim
heoughttocomehomeandhelpoutfor
once."
"George?"
saithhousewife"Who'George?"
"WhyGeorge!Yourhusband!....Ithi555--1374?
"Nothis
i555--1375."
"Oh,I'sorry.IguessIhavethewrongnumber."
Therewasashortpauseandthehousewifesaid,"Doesthismeanyou'renotcomingover?"
722
diyouhear
boutthe
three
eggs.two
bad
729
Whatyoucallasnowmanwithasuntan?
puddle!
730
Ifatheletesgeathelete'sfoot,
whado
astronautsget?
Missiletoe!!
731
Ted:Ihadtheworstdream
lastnight.
IdreamedIatea2--tonmarshmellow.
SteveWhat'wrong
witthat?
Ted:WhenIwokeupmypillowwasgone
732
Thsceneisbutcher'sshop
Customer:"I'dlikeapoundofkidleys,please"
Butcher:"Surelyyoumeankidneys,madam"
Customer:"Isaidkidleys,didleI!"
733
Iwasofferedajobinamonasterylaundry.

MyMotherwouldnoptletmetakeitasshedidnotwantmetpicuandirty
habits.
734
Whydoseagullslivebythesea?
Ifthelivedbthbathewoubcalledbagels!
735
Q:Howmanymanyballsofwoolwouldittaketoreachthemoon.
A:One,butitwouldneedtobeverylarge.
736
manrushesintothedoctorsandsays"Doctordoctoryou'vegottohepmeIthinkI'm
pairofcurtains".
Thedoctorreplies"Ohpulyourselftogether".
737
Whatdoyoucallabigwhitebearwithaholeinhismiddle?
polobear.
738
Whywastheback
endofa
horsewalking
down
theroad?
Becausethefront
endwas.
739
What
doyou
call
chicken
in
shellsuit?
Anegg!
740
Howis
alawyer
differentthanand
angry
chicken?
Thangry
chicken
"clucks
defiance"!
741
ME:doctordoctor,

I'veonlygot
50seconds
to
live!
DOCTOR:
JustaMinute
742
manwalksintoabutcher'sshopandasksthebutcher"Haveyougotasheep's
head?"."No",repliesthebutcher,"it'sjustthewayIpartmyhair".
743
whydidtheblindchicken
crosstheroad?
Tgetto
the
birdseyeshop!
744
Thereweretwoboyscalledmannersandshutup.Shutupwenttothesweetshopand
mannerswenttothefishandchipshop.Theshopkeepersaidtoshutup.What'syourname
andshut
usaidshut
upTheshop
keepersaidthat'snot
nicewhere'syourmanners.Inthe
fisand
chipshopsaid
shutup.
745
DocterdocterIswallowedacamera?
Lets
hope
nothingserious
develops
746
What
issquareandblue?
Anorange.
Iliedaboutit'sshapeandcolour!
747
couplecomesuptoawishingwell.Theguyleansover,makesawish,andthrowsina
penny.
Hiswifedecidestomakeawish,too,butsheleansovertoofar,fallsintothewell,anddrowns.

Thgusays,
"Wow,
itreally
works."
748
Thisguyrunshomeandburstsinyelling,
"Packyourbagssweetheart,I'vejustwonthelottery,allsixnumbers!"
Shesays,"Ohwonderful!ShouldIpackforthebeachorthemountains?"
Hreplies,"Idon'tcare...justpack&
shovoff!"
749
ArielandTimesNewRomanwalkintoabar.
TheBarmantakesonelookandsays,
"Sorry
fella'swdon'serve
yourtypihere"
750
Tellamanthatthereare400billionstars,andhe'llbelieveyou.Tellhim
abenchhas
wet
paint,
andhehastotouchit.
751
Whatdoyoucallamanwithseagullsflying
aroundhisface?
Cliff
752
What
doyou
get
when
you
playcountrysong
backwards?
You
get
yourdog
backyourwifebackyourhousebackandyou
soberup
753
Whatdoyoucallawomenwhocanjugglewithbeer?
A.Beertrix
754
Diyouhear
aboutthe

dyslexic
devilworshipper?Sold
hisoulto
Santa.
755
crossandhungrypandawentintoabarand,withoutorderingadrink,demandeda
bowl
offreebar--snacks.
Thbartender
refused:
"Thossnackare
forpayinpatrons."
Sthpanda
grabbed
thnearest
bowlgobbleup
althesnacks.
Then
hepulledout
revolver,
shot
thebartenderdead,
andstalkedout.
Thepatronsallaskedeachother"Whowasthatmaskedmaurader?"
Thequietlittleguyat
theendofthebarcalmlyanswered:
"ThawapandaHe
eatshootanleaves."
756
What
isthedifferencebetween
duck?
Oneofitslegsisboththesame!
757
manwenttoapetshopandsaid"I'dliketobuysomewaspsplease."Theshop
keepersaid,"I'sorry,wedon'tsellwasps.""WellIsawthreeofthem
inthewindow!"
repliedtheman.
758
blokehandedhismateanoctopusthatlookedtobeatdeath'sdoor,andsaid
"There's
thsiquiowyou".
759
Earlymorningindecember1968ajournalistcallsLyndonB.Johnson
and
asks
what
hemostwishesforChristmas.Johnsonisdesperatelytryingtomakehisdrowsybrainwork.
Bedazzledhetriestothinkofsomethingadequatebutnottooexaggerated.NextmorningThe

SundayTimessays:BrezhnevwishestoendfamineforChristmas,deGaullehopesallwarsto
enand
Johnsolikes
to
have
after
shave
and
anewpair
oslippers.
760
Oneday,aHRwomanwashitbyabusandkilled.Hersoularrivedinheavenandshe
wasmetbySt.Peter.
"WelcometoHeaven.Beforeyougetsettledin,itseemswehaveaproblem.We'veneveronce
hadHRmanagermakeitthisfar.Whatwe'regoingtodoisletyouhaveadayinHellanda
day
iHeaven,
then
youcan
choosyour
eternity"
said
St.Peter.
St.Peterpuheriaelevator,
iwendown--down--down.
Thdooropened,
shstepped
onto
abeautifulgolf
courseIfrontohewere
allhefellowHprofessionals.
Thewere
all
dresseieveningowns.
Theran
upand
kissed
herTheplayed
golf
and
shenjoyed
steakand
lobster
dinnerShemettheDevilwhowasareallyniceguy,shehadgreattime
tellingjokesanddancing.Whenitwastimetoleave,everyoneshookherhandandwaved
good--bye.
Sshspenthnex2hours
lounginaround
othcloudsplayinthharp
ansinging.
"Nowyoumustchooseyoureternity"hesaid.Shepausedandthenreplied,"Well,Heavenhas
beengreatbutIthinkIhadabettertimeinHell."
Sshwendown--down--down.
When
the
dooropened,
shwas

standing
iadesolate
wastelandcoveredin
garbage.
Her
friendwere
dresseirags
and
were
picking
ugarbage
fortheeveningmeal.TheDevilcameuptoherandputhisarm
aroundherandlaughed.
"Idon'tunderstand,"shestammered."YesterdayIhadgreattimehere,therewasagolf
coursanwe
ate
lobster.Nowallthereisawastelandandallmyfriendslookmiserable."
ThDevillooked
atheand
grinned"that's
because
yesterday
we
were
recruiting
youbut
todayyou'restaff."
761
What'sthelastthingtogothroughabug'smindafterithitsthewindshieldofcar?
It'srearend!
762
whathappenswhenmonstershaveabeautycontest?
no--one
wins!!!
763
smallmanjumpedonatableinabarandyelled:
--Showmeanirishman,andI'llshowyouacoward!
huge,bodybuilderlookingguystoodup,walkedtothelittlemanandsaid:
--Here'sanirishman.
Thlittle
gudarted
outothe
dooand
yelled
ovehishoulder:
--Andheregoesthecoward!
764
what
didthetrafficlight
saytothecar.
don'tlooknowI'changing.

765
guywalksinto
adoctor's
officwith
astrawberry
growing
outohihead.
Thdoctor
says
"Don't
worry
--I'vegotcream
forthat".
766
guywalkedintoapsychiatrist'sofficewearingonlycling--film
underpants.

Thpsychiatristsaid
"Wellcaseyou're
nuts".
767
Howis
the
newfurniture
store
doing?
Sofsgood!
768
Isiokatkissnun?
Yesbudont
get
intotheHabit!
769
Whyshouldyou
takecareofyourgrandparentsin
aIndian
restaurant?
IncaseyourNanslipsintoaKorma!
770
What's
orange
and
soundlike
aparrot?
carrot
771
LittleJohnnyisworkingawayfuriouslyinthewoodworkroom
whentheteacher
enters."whatareyoumakingthere,Johnny?"heasks,"aportable"repliesJohnny.The
teacherlookspuzzled,
"portablewhat?".Johnnyreplies"Idon'tknowyetSir,I'veonlymade
thehandles!"
772
Teacher:
Dudewhatdyocallacockthathas
abad
eye?
Pupil:A
cock--eyed
bird.
773
knock

knock
Who'sthere?
Theveinterrupting
cow.
Theveint...
MOOO.
774
whatsthefastestmilkintheworld?pasturised(past--ur--eyes(d))
775
whydidJim
bringhiscarintoschool?Becausehewantedtodrivehisteacherupthe
wall!!!!
776
twoknightswentintoahotelandsaidtothewomanatreception'iwouldlikearoom
for
two
nights!!!!'
777
husbandandwifearetravelingbycarfrom
KeyWesttoBoston.Afteralmost
twenty--four
hours
othe
road,
they're
too
tired
to
continue,
and
they
decidto
stopfor
arest.
Theystopatanicehotelandtakearoom,buttheyonlyplatosleep
forfourhoursandthen
gebacothroad.
Whentheycheckoutfourhourslater,thedeskclerkhandsthem
abillfor$350.
Themanexplodesanddemandstoknowwhythechargeissohigh.Hetellstheclerkthat
althoughit'snicehotel,theroomscertainlyaren'tworth$350.Whentheclerktellshim
that
$350isthestandardrate,themaninsistsonspeakingtothemanager.

ThemanagerlistenstothemanandthenexplainsthatthehotelhasanOlympic--sized
pool
andhugeconferencecenter
thatwere
available
fothe
husband
anwife
to
useHalso
explainsthattheycouldhavetakeninoneoftheshowsforwhichthehotelisfamous.
"The
bestentertainersfrom
NewYork,HollywoodandLasVegasperform
here,"explainsthe
manager.Nomatterwhatfacilitythemanagermentions,themanreplies,"Butwedidn'tuseit!"
Themanagerisunmovedandeventuallythemangivesupandagreestopay.
Hewritesa
checkandgivesittothemanager.Themanagerissurprisedwhenhelooksatthecheck.
"Butsir,hsays,
"this
checkionly
madeoutfor$100."
"That'sright,"saystheman."Ichargedyou$250forsleepingwithmywife."
"ButIdidn't!"exclaimsthemanager.
"Well,"themanreplies,"shewashere,andyoucouldhave."
778
scientistandaphilosopherwerebeingchasedbyahungrylion.Thescientistmadesomequickca
lculations,hesaid"itsnogoodtryingtooutrunit,itscatchingup".Thephilosopherkeptali
ttleaheadandreplied"Iam
nottryingtooutrunthelion,Iam
trying
to
outruyou"!
779
NeardawninacolonyofVampirebats,allarestillhungrybutonehangstherewithbloodonitsfa
ce.
Theyallpesterandnag"wellit'salrightforsome!
whydon'tyousharethis
great
feedinplacwitthrest
ous?!"
onltgetol"Reallyyodob'wadtgnowwhichdoesnothingtocalm
them
downsofinallytheyareledoffalongthehedgeandoverthepasturestoabigtreeinthemiddleof
afield,whereusuallytherearecattletofeedfrom.Flyinground
androundthtree
theare
agaigettinangry
asthere
are
ncattltbseen,
buthebloody--nosed
bajussay"Yoaltheditree

dob'youweldibn't!".
780
manwalksintoapubwhereeverybodyelseishavingcoffeewithcream.
"woullikeacoffee.Nocream
onit."
"Sorry,weranoutofcream.Coulditbewithnomilk?"
781
What
doyou
call
person
whousedtoliketractorslot?
Anex--tractorfan
!!
782
womangivesbirthanditisjustaheadwithnobodyorlimbs.thefatherdecidestoloveit
andgiveit
thelifethat
it
deserves.
hetakesit
tothepark
andlovesit
asifit
wasanormalchild.onhis18thbirthdaythefatherdecidestotakehim
downtothepubtogivehim
hisfirsteverdrink.'givemeashotofabsythe'the
father
asks
the
landlord.
the
drinkispouredandthson
drinksidown.
suddenly
body
popsouofthhead.
thfatheris
amazed.'givehim
another!'thefatherexclaims.thesondrinksandarmspopout.'Another!'
criestheman.thenthesonhasallhislimbs.heisstumblingaroundthebar,afterallhehasneve
rusedthem
before.hestumblesoutsideandispromptlyrunoverbyabus.thebarman
turnstothefatherandsays'heshouldhavequit
whilehewasahead!'
783
Twofarmersarestandingat
fencetalking.Farmer1:Doyourcowssmokecigarettes???

Farmer2:No,ofcoursenot!!
Farmer1:Thenyourbarnisonfire.
784
whydidtheskeleton
crosstheroad?
toget
tothebodyshop.
785
manonholidayinIndiasoonfindsoutaboutamonastery,
higithe
hills,
theonlywaytoget
toit
istotakehalfhourridein
basket,
being
hoisted
upthecliffface.Themandecidesthiswouldbeanadventurousthingtodo,so
hegoesandasksthemonkatthebottom
ofthecliffweatherhecagelift
up,themonkagreesandtheybeginthejourney.Abouthalfwaythrough,theman
noticethathrope
thabaskeihoisteuoivery
frayed,
fearful,
heasksthemonk"howoftendoesthisropegetreplaced?"Themonkthinkson
thisfor
afewseconds
and
replies
"Whenever
itbreaks."
786
What
doyou
get
when
you
crosspenguin
withcentipede?
--Coldfeet.
787
PATIENT:Doctor,doctor.I'vecomeupinspotslikecherriesonacake.
DOCTOR:
Ah,youmusthaveanalogy.
788
Whydidthdog
gtbingo?
SicoulWinalot!

789
What'stheblackstuffbetweenelephant'stoes?
SLOWANTS.
790
froggoesintoabankwalksuptothetellerwhosenameisPatWack.Hesays"Good
MorningMissWack,mynameisKermitJaggerand
Iwantto
take
outaloan
fo$10,000.She
looksathim
curiously"Doyouhaveanycollateral?"Heholdsupapinkchinaelephant"This
ismycollateral"."Justamomentplease"shesays"I'llhavetoseetheManager".Shegoesinto
theManager'sofficeandsays"There'safrogoutsidewhosenameisKermitJagger--hwants
loan
of$10,000andalhecaraiseascollateral
ispink
china
elephant.
Surprised,
helooks
aherandreplies"Nicknack
PattWacgivethefrog
loan
--hisoldman'saRolling
Stone".
791
Therewasayoungfellowwholostaneyeinafarm
accident.
Comingfrom
apoor
family,thebesthisparentscouldmanagewasahome--madewoodeneyetofillthevoid.
Being
selfconscioushefelt
it
unlikely
hewouldeverfindgirlfriend.
Finally,aftermuch
encouragement,hedecidedtoattendadance.
Afterlookingoverthegirlsinattendance,he
noticegirl
whhavery
large
nossittinaloneFiguring
shianyonwoulbe
understanding
abouhiswooden
eyehdecidedto
askheto
dance.
Crossinthe
floor
he
said

"Would
youlike
to
dance?"
Thhappy
girlleaped
to
hefeetand
squealed
"Would
I?
WouldI?"Heshoutedback
aher"Big
nose!!Big
nose!!".
792
guywalksintoabarcarryingagiraffe.Hesetsthegiraffe
down
by
the
dooand
walksuptothebartender."Bartender,givemeawhisky,"hesays.Thebartendlooksathim
andsays,
"You
know,
you
can't
just
leavethat
lyin'overthere."
Theguylooksathim
andsaysgruffly,"It'snotalion,it'sagiraffe."

793
HuntingTrip
Troy'sallexcitedabouthisnewrifle.
SohegoesbearhuntinginAlaska.
Thefirstbearhe
seeialittle
brown
bear,
and
hkills
itwith
hifirstshot.
Theriatapon
hishoulder,
and
hturns
around
to
seabig
blackbear.
Theblackbearsays"You'vegottwochoices.
One,ImaulyoutodeathorTwo,wehavesex."
Trobends
ovefothe
bear.
He'sorfodays,
buthrecoverand
vows
revenge.
TroyheadsoutonanothertriptoAlaskaandhefindstheblackbear
and
killshim.
Atthatmomentthereisataponhisshoulder.
huge
grizzlyisstandingrightbehindhim.
Thegrizzlysays,"Thatwasabigmistake.
You'vegot2choices,
"EitherImaulyoutodeathorwehavesex."
Trobends
overHsurvivesbuthe'sreally
hurting
andtakesquita
bitoftimetorecover,and,he'soutraged.
Sureenough,heheadsbacktoAlaskaandfindsthegrizzlyandshoots
him
atpointblankrange.
There'sataponhisshoulder.
Heturns
aroundtofindanenormouspolarbear.
Thepolarbearsays,"Hey,pal,you'renotreallycominguphereforthe
hunting,
are
you?"
794
WhywasCinderella
suchbadfootball
player?

Hercoachwasapumpkin.
795
What
docall
doll
withsausageson
herhead?
Barbie.
796
Mancomeshomefrom
worktofindboynextdoordiggingbigholeinlawn.Asksboy
why."WellI'buryingmygoldfishMr."Mansays"I'sorryaboutyourfishbutwhydoyou
neesucbihole?Boreplies
"Welit'insidyourcat!"
797
farmergoesoutonewintermorningtofindthatallhiscowsarefrozensolidwhere
theystand.
Whileheiswondering
what
toto,
heseesfigureapproaching
slowlyacrossthe
fields.
Itis
alittle
old
lady;
shlooks
atthe
cows,
then
works
heway
around
the
field,
rubbingthnose
ofevery
coiturn.
Slowly,eachcowstartstowarm
upandcomebacktolife.
Theoldladyrubsthenoseofthe
lastcowandresumesherpathacrossthefields.
Thefarmerstandsamazedashiscowsstarttomovearoundagain.
Atthismomenthis
brothercomesouttoseewhatisgoingon--thefarmerexplainswhathashappenedand
pointsouthlittloldlady
asshe
disappearsintthdistance.
"Ah,well",saysthebrother,"youknowwhothatis,don'tyou?
ThoraHird!".
798

manwentinto
apetshoand
said
"I'like
to
buy
afly
please".
Theshopkeepersaid"I'sorrysirwedon'tdoflies".
"Welthere
waonithwindoyesterday!"
799
Youcantakeahorsetowater,butapencilmustbelead.

800
Whydidthechicken
crossthroad?
Tgetthotherside.
Whydidtheroostercrosstheroad?
He
wasgluedtthchicken.
Whywastheroosergluedtothechicken?
Theran
ouoftape.
801
what
doyou
call
dog
withnolegs
Anser.ahotdog
802
Q:what
doyou
get
ifyoumixacowwithacamel???
A:Lumpymilkshakes
803
What'sthedifferencebetween
roast
beefandpea
soup?
You
caroast
beefbuyou
can't
pea
soup!
804
manandwifewereeatinginaveryexclusiverestaurantwhenageorgeouswoman
cameuptothetable,purherarm
aroundthemanandgavehim
akiss,andsaid'I'llseeyou
later.'
Thewifesaid'Whoisthat?'towhichhereplied'That'smymistress.
Thewifethensaid'Iwantadivorce,becausethatisjusttoomuch.'
Hreplied
thatitwas
upther,
bupointedouthathere
wouldnlongerbLexusithe
garage,
shoppiniParis
orskiiniGstaad.
Justthenoneoftheirfriendscameintotherestaurantwithageorgouswomanonhisarm.

Thwife
asked
'Who's
thatwith
Bob?and
hehusbandreplied'Oh,thatshismistress.'
Thwife
looked
again
and
said
'Ours
iprettier!'
805
AnInsuranceAssesorisataweddingreception,andasksthebride;"Sothisisyour
fourth
husband?",
"yesthat's
right",
shreplied.
"Can
Iaskwhathappened
to
youfirst
husband?"."Oh,verysad,hediedquitesuddenly"."Oh,IAMsorry,whathappened?"."He
unfortunatelyatesomepoisonedmushroomsandpassedaway.Theinsurancepaidout,of
course,butitcanneverreallycompensate"."That'sterrible,whathappened
to
the
second
husband?"."Anothertragiccase,hetoo,atesomepoisonedmushroomsandpassedaway.The
moneydidn'tcompensateforhisloss".Bynow,theAssessorwasverysuspicious,andasked;
"Didyourthirdhusbanddiefrom
ingestingpoisonedmushrooms?"."Ohno",shestated,"He
diedfrom
afracturedskull!"."Myword,IAMVERYsorry...Howdidhegetthat?"."Well,he
wouldn'teatthemushrooms!!!!"
806
snailisonthebaroneChristmas,andasksthebarman"Excuseme,canIhaveapint
ofbeerplease?".Thebarmansays"YouWHAT?"."MayIhaveapintofbeer,please?"repeats
thesnail."Don'tbesostupid,snailsdon'tdrinkbeer"snarlsthebarmanandsweepsthesnail
ofthe
bar
oto
the
floor.
ThefollowingChristmas,inthesamebar,asnailappearsonthecounter.Thebarmanasks
"Whatdoyouwant?",whereuponthesnailshouts"WhatdidyoudoTHATfor?"!!!
(Notasgoodasmypoisonedmushroom
joke!)

807
rabbitwentintoabutchersshopandsaid,"Gotanycarrots?"Thebutchersaid,
"No!"
Thrabbitwentbackto
the
butchers
the
nextday
and
said,
"Gotany
carrots?"
Thbutcher
said,
"No!"
Therabbitwentbackthenextdayandsaid,"Gotanycarrots?"Thebutchersaid,"No!Andif
youcomebacktomorrowandaskifIhave
any
carrots
I'llnailyouears
to
the
ceiling!"
Thrabbitwentbackto
the
butchers
the
nextday
and
asked,
"Gotany
nails?"
Thbutcher
said,
"No!Thrabbitsaid,
"In
thatcase,
have
yougotany
carrots?"
808
What
doyou
call
aEarl
whoisawarded
an
OBE?
Anearlobe.
809
Whatwasthefilm
aboutrefereescalled?
A)Theumpirestrikesback.

810
QWhat
doyou
cal100penguinsin
TrafalgarSquare?
A.Lost
811
What
doyou
call
fishwithnoeyes?
Fsh!
812
Q:What'sred&whiteon
theoutside,
grey&whiteon
theinside?
A:
Campbell'sCream
ofElephantSoup.
813
manwalksuptothebarwithanostrichbehindhim,andashesits,thebartendercomesover,andas
ksforhisorder.Themansays,"I'llhaveabeer,"andturnstotheostrich.
"Whaabouyou?"I'lhavbeertoo,saythostrich.
Thbartenderpours
thbeerandsays"Thatwillbe$3.40please,"andthemanreachesintohispocketandpullsoutexa
ct
changeforpayment.Thenextday,themanandostrichcomeagain,andthemansays"I'llhaveabee
r,"andthe
ostrichsays,"I'llhavethesame."
Onceagainthemanreachesintohispocketandpayswithexactchange.Thisbecomesaroutine
until,late
one
evening,the
two
enter
again."The
usual?"asks
the
bartender."Well,
it's
closetolastcall,soI'llhavealargescotch"saystheman."Sameforme,"saystheostrich.
"Thatwillbe$7.20,"saysthebartender.Onceagainthemanpullsexactchangeoutofhis
pockeandplacesiothbar.
Thbartendercan'holdbackhicuriosity
anlonger.
"Excusemesir.Howdoyoumanagetoalwayscomeupwiththeexactchangeoutofyourpocketeveryt
ime?""Well,"saystheman,"severalyearsagoIwascleaningtheatticandfoundanoldlamp.Whe
n
rubbediGeniappearedandofferedmetwowishes.MyfirstwishwasthatifIeverhadtopayforany
thing,Ijustputmyhandinmypocket,andtherightamountofmoneywillalwaysbethere.""That'
sbrilliant!"saysthebartender."Mostpeoplewouldwishforamilliondollars
orsomething,butyou'llalwaysbeasrichasyouwantforaslongasyoulive!""That'sright!
Whetherit'sagallonofmilkoraRollsRoyce,theexactmoneyisalwaysthere,"saystheman.

Thbartender
asks,
"One
other
thing,
sirwhat's
with
the
ostrich?"Themanreplies"My
seconwish
was
foachickwith
long
legs."

814
womanwenttoaseanceandwassuccessfulincontactingherhusband.
Hi,"hesaid,"it'sme.Everything'sbetter...skyisbluer...grassisgreener
Nothing
to
dbuteatandsleep
alday."
"Ohthangoodness.
YodidgetHeaven."
"Heaven?.I'abuffaloinMontana!"
815
From
thedeepest,darkestjunglesofdeepest,darkestAfricacomesthecryofthe
Sandwicbird
--"Eatme,Eatme".
816
What'sgrayon
theinsideandclearontheoutside?Anelephantinabaggie!
817
What'sgreen
andlikessnow?
Ski--weed
818
mydogmintonateallmyshuttlecocks.....badminton
819
manwalksintoagreengrocersandsays"CanIhaveahammerplease?".The
assistant
says"Sorrythisisagreengrocers."Themanreplies"That'sO.K.I'vegotmybike
outside."
820
priestconductsaserviceinachurch"Thepersonwhoputsthemostinthechurch
collectionboxcanchoosethreehymns"hesays.Thecollectionboxcomesbacktohim
after
beingfilledupandhefindsthatsomeonehasdonatedathousandpounds"whohasdonateda
thousandpounds?"heasks.A
womenraisesherhand.Thepriestinviteshertothefrontand
tellshertochoosethreehymns.Pointingatthethreemosthandsom
meninthechurchshe
says"I'llhavehim,him
andhim"
821
What'syellowandalwayspintsnorth?A
magneticbanana!

822
Q--Howdo
youhide
anelephant?
A--Paintits
toenails
reanstickiticherrtree.
Q--Have
youever
seenanelephantina
cherry
tree?
A--See,
iworks!
823
Twokidsweretalkingintheplayground.Thefirstkidsays,"Mymum
isfrom
Ireland
andmydadisfrom
America.
ThatmakesmeanIrish--American".
Thesecondkidsays,"Wellmymum
isfrom
Icelandandmydadisfrom
Cuba.SoI
guessthatmakesmeanIcecube".
824
Whatdidtherobotsaytothepetrolpump?
TakeyourfingeroutofyourearwhenI'talkingtoyou!
825
FarmerFredhasanAmericanfarmervisitinghim.TheAmericanfarmerisboasting
about
thesizeofhis
land
ithe
United
States:
"Mylandissobig,thatittakesmetwohourstodrivearounditbycar."
FarmerFredissilentforawhile.Thenhenoddsandsays:

"Iknowwhatyoumean,onceIhadsuchacar,too."
826
what
doyou
call
fishwiththree
eye?
fiiish.
827
whatdidthegreenmanturnred?sowouldyouifyouhadtochangeinthestreet
828
Billhappenedbyhisneighbor'shouseoneday.
Hesawhisfriend,farmerJohninthe
appleorchardholding
hisfavorite,
prizepig.
John
wouldpatientlholdSnooksuso
she
couldmunchanapplerightoffthetwig,thenmoveontothenextappleandthenext.
"Hello,
John,"saysBill,"nottointerferewithyourpastimebutwhyn'tyapickSnooksabucketof
them
apples...itwouldsavetime!"
"Eh'yeah,Bill,itwould...butthen...what'stimetoapig!"
829
"Hesaid'I'goingtochopoffthebottom
ofoneofyourtrouserlegsandputitina
library.'thought
'That'sturn--up
forthbooks."
830
manleftforavacationtoJamaica.Hiswife
wasobusinesstrip
andwasplanning
tomeethim
therethenextday.Whenhereachedhishotel,hedecidedtosendhiswifeaquick
e--mail.
Unable
to
finthe
scraopapeowhich
hhawritten
hee--mailaddress,hedidhisbest
totypeit
infrom
memory.Unfortunately,hemissedoneletter,andhisnotewasdirected
instead
to

an
elderly
preacher's
wife
whose
husband
had
passed
away
only
the
day
before.
When
thegrieving
widow
checkedhere--mail,shetookonelookatthemonitor,letouta
piercingscream,andfelltothefloordead.
Atthesound,herfamilyrushedintotheroom
andsawthisnoteonthescreen:
DearestWife,
Justgotcheckedin.Everythingpreparedforyourarrivaltomorrow.
YourLoving
Husband.
P.SSurihotdown
here.
831
greyhoundissittinginpub,drinkingitsbeerwhenthedooropensandahorsecomesin.
Itsitsdownbesideanotherhorseandstartstotalkofitstroubles.
"Sameasbefore,
Des"says
the
hors"Igetto
withinahundred
feetof
the
winningpost
andfall
over".
Theotherhorsecommiserates,"Thathappeningtoallofusflatracers,Red.Itmustsomesortof
disease"Thedoginterrupts"Ican'tbelieveit!,that'sexactlywhathappenedtomeat
Whitecityyesterday".
Thhorselookateach
insurprise;"Willyoulookatthat.A
talkingdog!"
832
manseesanadforajokecontestinhislocalnewspapersohesendsintenpuns.
He
getsaletterbackfrom
thenewspaperthinkinghewin,butnopunintendid.
833
Whyis6am
likeapigstail?

Becauseit'stwirly!

834
horsewalksintoabarandthebarmansays,"Heywehaveawhiskeynamedafter
you"!ThHorssays"What.....Fred"!!
835
Q:howdoyoutellifanantisamaleantorafemaleant.
A:dropitinwater,ifitfloatsit'sboy--ant!
836
QWhy
can't
rope?
A.Becauseitcanknot
837
Whatdoyoucallajudgewithnothumbs?
Justice
Fingers
838
Howelephantscanyougetinamini?Twointhefrontandtwointheback!Howdo
yoknowithere's
been
aelephant
ithfridge?
There's
footprints
ithbutter!How
doyoknowithere's
been
two
elephants
ithe
fridge?There'two
footprints
ithe
butter!
Howdo
youknowthere's
beenthree
elephants
inthe
fridge?There's
three
footprints
inthe
butter!How
doyouknowifthere'sbeenfourelephantsinthefridge?There'saminiparked
outside!!
839
Ijoinedanorigarmiclub,butitfolded.
840

What
isETshort
for?
Sthahfitihispaceship.
.
841
Whatdoyougetwhenyousitunderacow?A
pat
on
thehead.
842
whatdoyougethangingfrom
appletrees?
.....sorearms!
843
Whatisacrocodile'sfavouritecardgame?snap
844
whycan'tyouplaypokerinthejungle?becausethereistoomanycheeters
845
visitortoasmallcountrytownnoticedanoldmanplayingchess.Oncloserinspectionhesawtha
tadogwassittingoppositetheoldmanandthedogwasmovingthechesspieces.Thevisitorasked
theoldmanifthedogwasplayingchessandhereplied"yes".
"Thatmustbeoneexremelyintelligentdog"saidthevisitor.
"Notreally"saidtheoldman,"Iwinmoregamesthanhedoes!".
846
Ifpilosesitsvoiceisidisgruntled?
847
When
thewheel
wasinvented,
didit
causerevolution?

848
manwalksintoabarbersshop.Hesays"Iwanttobuyacomb"."Steelone"saysthe
barber".Nowantopayforit
849
Howmanymysterycrimenovelwritersdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
One,
buhehastogiveit
really
goodtwist.
850
Tonto
and
the
LonRanger
are
ridingthroughthedesertwhentheyspyasmalltown
onthehorizon.ItsacolddesertnightandtheLoneRangerfanciesawhiskeyortwotowarm
him
upsotheystopintoasaloon.ThebarmanishappytoservetheLoneRangerbutrefuses
toserveTonto.
"SorryTonto,butIreallywantthisdrink"saystheLoneRanger,"wouldyoumindwaiting
outside
foalittle
while?"
"BuicoloutsidesayTonto.
"Well,runupanddowntokeepyourselfwarm"saystheLoneRanger.
SthLone
RangerhahiwhiskeanTonto
goeoutside
and
runuand
down
to
keep
himselfwarm.A
fewminuteslateranothercowboywalksintothebar,strutsuptotheLone
Rangeranddemands:"AreyoutheLoneRanger?".
"YesthLone
Rangerreplies.
"Welyolefyourinjurunning".
851
manwasgoingtobedonenightwhentherewasaknockatthedoor,heanswered
andtherestood
a
giantANTthatpunchedhim
inhiseye.Nowhemadeupandexcusewhen
hisfriendsaskedhim,becausehethoughthecouldn'tsayhehadbeenpunchedbyan
antso
hesaidhehadhadapunchupinthepub.Anywaythenextnightthesamehappenedagain,
butthistimehegotbeatenupreallybad,sohewenttothehospitalandtoldthedoctor
everythingthathadhappenedandthedoctorsaid"AHHHHyesthereis
anasty
bug

going
round."
852
manwalksintothedoctorsandsays:
"IthinkI'Schizophrenic"
Thdoctor
replies
"Thatmakes4ofus!"
853
Apparantly1in4peopleintheworldareChinese.
Thereare5peopleinmyfamily--thismeansthatitiseithermyMother,myFather,my
YoungerBrotherColin
ornOlderBrotherHoCha
Chin.
Buthink
it
isColin!
854
mangoesintothedoctorshesays'doctordoctorIfeellikeadog'thedoctorsays'sit
onthecouchI'llbewithyouinaminute'themansays'I'notallowed'.
855
manwentintoapetshopandsaid:"Iwouldlikeapetparrotformydaughter."and
then
theownerofthepet
shop
said:"sorry,
thisispet
shop,
wedon't
doswaps!"
856
Whydoduckshavewebbedfeet?
Tostampoufires.

Whydoelephantshaveflat
feet?
Tostampoutburningducks.
857
Howdo
yougettwo
whales
inacar?
Drivdownthe
M4!
858
Man:Doctor,
Doctorfeel
likegoat!!
Doctor:
Howlonghave
youbeenfeelinglike
this?
Man:Eversincewasakid!!
859
tomato,afaucet,andalettucedecidedtohavearace.
Whowon?
Atthefinish,thelettucewasahead,thetomatocouldn'tketchup,andthefaucetwasstill
running.
860
AnnoblearistocratwascapturedduringtheFrenchRevolution.
The
captors
said,
"Tellusthenamesofthepeopleyouarehiding!".
"Iwon'tsayaword!"saysthearistocrat.
Theplace
hihead
ithe
guillotine.
"Talkto
uodie!""willnot!"
hreplies.
Thethen
drawthe
blade
to
the
topof
the
guillotine.
"Last
chancttalk!".
"Never!"
cries
thCount.

Then,justastheyreleasetheblade,theCountscreams,"Wait,wait,I'lltalk!".
But,alas,itwas
toolate.
Themoralofthestory:NeverhatchetyourCountsbeforetheychicken!
861
Q:Howmuch
dithe
pirate
pato
gethieapierced?
A:A
buccaneer
862
Whydidn'tthewatermellonmarrythehoneydew?
Becausethey
cantalope!
863
WhydidtheyonlymakeoneYogiBear?TheymadeaBooBooofthesecond.
864
What
isthedifferencebetweentire
andbench?--None,they'rebothmadeofwood.Exceptthetire.
865
Asmigrationapproached,twoelderlyvulturesdoubtedtheycouldmakethetrip
south,
sthey
decideto
gby
airplane.
When
they
checked
their
baggage,
the
attendant
noticethat
theywerecarrying
twodeadracoons.
"Doyou
wishtocheck
theraccoons
throughasluggage?"
sheasked.
"No,
thanks,"
repliedthevultures.
"They'recarrion."
866

Mysisterisreacting
veryslowly.
Last
week
trhisguywantedtotakeadvantageofher
andbeforeshecouldsay
shewasn't
suchkindofgirl.
shewas.
867
Whyisbeing
test
tubebabysogreat?
Yougetawombwithaview.
868
What
isold,
dustyandtuckedawaybehindthebookshelf?
A:The1974hid'nseekchampion!

869
JohnandTracywereinaveryposhrestaurant.Johnaskedforthemenu.hebroughtthemenutothem
butstated"Iam
notawaiter,mynameisHansandIwashthedishesfor
Yosfayce(pronouncedyo'sface),theRussianchef".A
fewminuteslater,Hanscamebackand
said
"Ican'tfind
Yosfayce
othe
waiter,
butIwilltake
your
orderThehad
decideto
have
Squid.Hanswenttogetthetank.JohnchosetheSquid,andHansremoveditfrom
thetank
andrushedit
tothekitchen.
Hansreturned"cannot
kill
that
squid,
aihalotolittlhairs
arounditsmouth,Ican'tkillthat".JohninsistedthathewasgoingtohavetheSquid."OK"said
Hans"IwillfindYosfayceandgethim
todoit.Hewillkillanything!"5minuteslater,Yosfayce
comesovertothetableandsays"can't
kill
theSquid,
Ihaslotsofhairsaroundits
mouth".Johnasked"WHATDOESTHISMEAN?"TheWaiterappeared,andsaid"Thismeans
Hansthatdodishescanbesoftasyosfayce,withmildgreenhairylippedsquid"
870
Two
ladies
was
walking
inthewoodswhentheysawaraccoonontopofatreestump.
Thfirstlady
asked,
"Whatdyothink?Dyothinkit's
rabid?Thseconlady
answered,
"Noraccoon."
871
Q:Whatarehippies?A:They'rewhatleggieshangfrom.
872
Golfer
oPar

tee,
large
ponbetween
tee
and
greenHputs
an
old
ballothe
tee.
Hears
avoice:"Use
anewball!"The
old
ballis
replaced
with
anewone,thenhe
takes
a
practice
swing.
"Use
tholdball!!"
873
Whycouldn'tthePrincePotatomarrytheBBCcorrespondent?Becauseshewasacommon--tater...
...
874
Howmanyboringpeopledoesittaketochangealightbulb?One.
875
BobrecentlyboughtanewcarandisdrivingbackhomeontheM1highway.Suddenlythemusiconthe
radioisinterruptedandaspecialboradcast
isheard"Thisisbreaking
news,
thereonecargoing
thewrong
wayon
thehighwayM1,
driverspleasebeaware!"
Bob
looks
aroundandsays"One?
Therearehundreds!"
876
knock
knock
whosthere
Canoe
Canoe
who?
Canoe
openthe

dooplaese!
877
Whatdoyougetwhenyoudividethecircumferenceofapumpkinbyitsdiameter?Pumpkinpi!
878
manvisitingafarm
noticesathreeleggedpighobbelingaround.Thinkingitstrangesuchananimalshouldbekepto
naworkingfarm,heaskedthefarmer
about
it.
"Son,"saidthefarmer,"thatpigisahero.""Therewasafirewhichstartedin

thebarn
andhadspreadtothehousewhileeverybodywassleeping."
"That
pig
climbedoutofitspen,anditfreedalltheotheranimalsinthebarnandledthemtsafty."
"Thethapiopenedthbacdoortthhouse
andgousall
outbeforewehadcometoharm.""Why,thatpigsavedthefarm
andthelives
ofmywholefamily.""Osee.saithvisitor.
"Buwhdoethpihavonlthree
legs?""Whson...,"saidthefarmer,"apiglikethatyoujustdon'teatallatonce."
879
sothere'sthesetwotalkingmuffins,andthey'resittinginanoven.oneofthem
looks
attheotherandsays,"boy,it'shotinhere!"andtheotheronesays,"ohmygod,it's
atalking
muffin!"
880
Thenightwatchmanwasmakinghisroundsandwassurprisedthatnoonewasintheofficeexceptab
igdogemptyingwastebaskets.Thewatchmanstaredattheanimal,wonderingifhisimagination
couldbeplayingtrickson
him...
Thedoglookedupandsaid,"Don'tbesurprised.Thisisjustpartofmyjob."
"Incredible!"exclaimedtheman."Ican'tbelieveit!Doesyourbossknowwhataprizehehas
inyou?Ananimalthatcantalk!"
"No,
no,pleadedthdog.
"Please
don't,IfthatmanfindsoutIcantalkhewillmakeme
answerthephoneaswell!"
881
manhurryinghomeonacoldrainynighttakesashortcutthroughthelocalcemetery
andfallsintoanfreshlydug,emptygrave.Hestrugglestogetoutbutcan'tclimbthewet,
slipperywalls.Hebeginsshoutingforhelpbuthaslittlehopeastherainismakinga
thunderousnoiseanditislateatnight.A
drunk,oblivioustotheweather,iswendinghisway
throughthegraveyardwhen
hehearsthefranticcrys.
Hegoes
tthgravesite
anlooks
downincredulously."Helpme!"thestrandedmanpleads."Well.what'sthematter?"the
drunkasks,strugglingtokeephisbalanceontheedgeofthegrave."What'sthematter?Look
atme!I'wetandI'freezing,"themanshouts
iexasperation.
"Well...no
wonder,"
the
drunkreplies,

"Youkicked
allyour
dirtoff!"
882
Afteryearsofnagging,thewifewasfinallygoingdeerhuntingwithherhusband.
"I'ldrop
yooffhere
andgpark
thcar.
Don't
geinttrouble,"
says
hehusband.
He
drove
thcardown
throadandparkeditWalkinbachcouldhearheated
argumentbetweenhiswifeandsomeman.
"It'smydeer.Ishotit!"hecouldhearhiswifeshouting.
Theman'svoicekeptinsisting..."That'sNOTyour
deerlady!"

Thhusbandstartedwalkinfaster.
Hiswifesaid"ItisTOO,mydeer.Ishotitandit'smine."
"Noit'sNOT!"saidtheman.
Theargumentgotlouderandlouderwithhiswifeshoutingaboutherkillingherfirstdeer.
Finally,thewearyvoiceofthemanwasheardadmittingdefeat,"Okay,lady,it'sYOURdeer.
Justletmegetmysaddleoffit..."

883
Onewomanhadalwayswantedtotakeabathinatubfilledwithwarm
milk.
Soshe
calledthedairymanouttomeasurethetubandfindouthowmuchmilkshewouldneedand
howmuchitwouldcost.
Hebeganmeasuringandaskedher,"Doyouwantitpasteurized?"
Andshesaid,"No,justuptomybosom
wouldbefine."
884
manpraystogodeveryfriday:"OhGodletmewinthestatelottery"
..Oneday
a
voicecomestohim
andsays"Comeon--Givemeachance!Buyalotteryticket!"
885
What
didonecasket
saytotheother?
That
you
coughin'?
886
OMonday
delivery
vawasstolen
containing
filesanddiaries.
Thenext
day
anothervanwasstolen,thistimecontainingfilingcabinets.Thepolicebelieveitwas
organisedcrime.
887
cityfellergoestoaduderanchandarrivesintheevening.
Makingconversationwith
thecow--hand,heasks"Arewegoingtobedrivingthat
bunchofcowsoverthere?"
"Herd"
is
thecowhand'sreply.
"Heard?
Heardofwhat?"
asksthecityslicker.
"HerdofCOWS"
replies
thecow--hand.
"'CoursI'vheard
ocows,"
says
the
indignantcity

dweller.
"There'abunch
of'em
rightoverthere!"
888
Threemenwereonaboatandtheywantedasmoke.Theyhadapacketofcigarettes,
butnomatches.Sohowdidtheygettohavetheirsmoke?
Don'tknow?
Simple.Theythrewoneofthecigarettesoverboardandthentheboatwasacigarettelighter!
889
magicianwasworkingonacruiseshipintheCaribbean.Theaudiencewouldbe
differenteachweek,sothemagicianallowedhimselftodothesametricksoverandover
again.Therewasonlyoneproblem:Thecaptain'sparrotsawtheshowseachweekandbegan
tounderstandhowthemagiciandideverytrick.Onceheunderstoodhestartedshoutingin
themiddleoftheshow:"Look,it'snotthesamehat""Look,heishidingtheflowersunderthe
table""Hey,whyareallthecardstheAceofSpades?"Themagician
wasfuriousbucouldn't
danything;
itwas,
after
all,
the
captain's
parrot.
One
day
the
shiphad
an
accidentand
sank.
Themagicianfoundhimselfonapieceofwoodinthemiddleoftheoceanwiththeparrot,of
courseThestared
ateacother
withhatebudidnoutterword.
Thiswenoforday
andanotherandanother.Afteraweektheparrotsaid:"OK,Igiveup.Where'stheboat?"
890
cockerspaniellimpsintoabarandsaystothebartender,"I'lookingfortheman
whoshotmypaw."
891
mangoestoseethedoctorMa-Doctor,
Doctorfeel
likcowboy!
Do--Mmmmmm,andhowlonghaveyoufeltthisway?
Ma--aboutaYEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!

892
maninaballooncallsdowntoafellowontheground."Wheream
I?",heasks.
"You'reinaballoon",thefellowreplies.
"Youmustbeasoftwareengineer",saysthemanin
theballoon
--"forwhere
else
couldreceive
such
useless,
yetechnicallcorrect
answer?"
Thefellowonthegroundyells,back:
"Verygoodguess!Iam
asoftwareengineer--youmust
beamanager!"
Thestartledmanintheballoonadmitsthisistrueandaskshowthefellowon
thegroundknew
this.
"Becauseyou
don't
know
whereyou
are,
orwhereyou
aregoing,
and
arestillinthesamesituation
yowere
beforeaskingformyhelp--butnowyou'vesomehowmanagedtomakeit
myfault",
thefellow
replied.
893
shipcarryingbluepainthascollidedwithashipcarryingredpaint.Allpassengershavebeenm
arooned.
894
shipcarryingartificiallimbshassunk.
Allhandsarereportedlost.
895
What
doyou
call
cow
spying
on
anothercow?
steakout.
896
linguisticsprofessorwaslecturingtohisclassoneday.'InEnglish,'hesaid,'double

negativeformsapositive.Insomelanguages,though,such
asRussian,
double
negativis
stillanegative.However,thereisnolanguagewhereinadoublepositivecanform
anegative.'
voicefrom
thebackoftheroom
pipedup,'Yeah,right.'
897
What
doyou
get
ifyou
crosspit
bulwithcollie?
dogthatwillchewyourlegoff
then
run
forhelp.
898
Bob
receivedparrot
forhisbirthday.
Theparrot
wasfully
grown,
witha
verbad
attitude
anworse
vocabulary.
Every
otherwordwasaexpletive;those
thaweren't
expletiveswere,
to
say
the
least,
rudeBobtried
to
change
the
bird's
attitude
by
constantly
saying
polite
words,
playinsoft
music...anythinghecouldthinkof.Nothingworked.Hyelled
atthe
bird,and
the

bird
gotworse.He
shookthe
bird,and
the
birdgotmadderandmorerude.Finally,inamomentofdesperation,Bobputtheparrotinthefree
zer.Forafewmomentsheheardthebirdswearing,squawking,kickingandscreamingandthen,su
ddenly,therewasabsolutequiet.Bobwasfrightenedthathemighthave
actually
hurtthebird,
andquicklopenedthfreezerdoor.
TheparrotcalmlysteppedoutontoBob'sextendedarm
andsaid,"I'sorrythatIoffendedyouwithmylanguageandmyactions,andIaskyourforgivenes
s.Iwillendeavour
to
correct
mybehaviour".Bob
wasastounded
athchangeithbird's
attitudanwaabouto
askwhathadchangedhim,whentheparrotcontinued,"MayIaskwhattheChicken
did?"

899
Q:Howdomommybroomsanddaddybroomsmakebabybrooms?
A:Theysweeptogether!
900
Johnny
was
havingtroubleinmath,sohisparentssenthim
tocatholicprivateschool.
Onthefirstdayhecamerushingbackhomeandstartedworkingfuriouslyonhismath.Hedid
thesameaftersupper.Hismotherwasimpressedandcommentedtohim,"Wow,Johnny,
you'rereally
working
hard!"
Johnny
lookeduandsaid,
"Wellwhewenithere
andsaw
thatguynailedtotheplussign,Ijustknewtheywere'ntmessingaround."
901
Twomenonthe9thteetireofwaitingfortwowomentogetoffthefairway.One
manapproachesthem
butbeforehereachesthewomenhedoesanabruptUturn,
andexplainstohispartnerthatoneofthewomenishiswifeandtheotheris
hisgirlfriend.ThesecondmanagreestogobutalsodoesaUturnbeforereaching
theladiesandexplainstohispartneronreturning"Smallworld,isn'tit!"
902
Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
Two.
On
to
hold
the
giraffe
and
onto
putthe
clocks
ithe
bath
tub.
903
Q:whydidthefootballcoachgotothebank?A:toget
hiquarterback!
904
scientistwhothoughthekneweverythingwasgoingonabusinesstrip.Onthe
airplane,hesatnexttoalady.Heaskedher,"DoyouwanttoplayagamewhereIaskyoua
questionandifyoucan'tanswer,yougiveme$5andthenyouaskmeaquestionandIgive
yo$ican'tanswer?"
"No"

"How
abouiwhecan'answer,
givyo$1000buiyocan'answer,
yoonlhavto
giveme$5?"
"No"
"How
abouican'answer,
givyo$2000?"
"OK"
"Whaithtospeed
oan
Indian
fruitbat?"
Theladygavehim
$5andaskedhim,"Whathas15legsgoingupahill,137legsatthetop,and
57legscomingdown?"
Themansearchedineveryresourcehehadandeventuallygaveupandgavethelady$2000,
then
asked,
"What
istheanswer?"
Theladygavehim
$5.
905
guygoesintoarestaurantonChristmasmorningforbreakfast.
Thewaitressserves
him
hiseggsbenedictonalargeandveryshiny,metalplate.
Theguysays,what'swiththis
plateThwaitresssays:"It'sChristmas,andthere'snoplateslikechromeforthe
hollandaise."
906
VictorwasoutplayinggolfwithhisgoodfriendJohn.AfterafewholesJohnwas
gettingfrustratedashewasnotthatgoodagolfer.Finallywhenhemissedaneasyputthe
blurtedout,"Damn,Imissedthebugger!".

TheVictorsaid,"NowJohn,youmustbecarefulasGodmaypunishyouifyousaythatagain."
OnthenextholetheVictorstaidclosetoJohnofferingquietsupport.AsJohnmissedaneveneas
ier
putthshouted
"Damn,Imissedthebugger!"
Suddenly
there
waslarge
clapofthunderandlightninbolpiercedthairandkilled
theVictor.Andavoicefrom
theskysaid,"Damn,Imissedthebugger!"
907
What
dootterssaywhen
theyget
stuck
in
seaweed??
Kelp!!Kelp!!
908
coupleisvacationingsomewhereinFrance.
Onefineafternoon,theyvisitahistoric
church.
Theyclimbuptothebelltowertotakeafewpictures,andtheretheyfindalittlehunch--backedm
an.
"Hello,"theygreethim,butheignoresthem
andcries:
"Imustringthe
bell!"
Hethenrunsfacefirstintotheenormouschurchbell,ringingit,andthenfallsfrom
the
towertohisdeathbelow.
"Whowasthat?"themanaskshiswife.
"I'notsure,"she
answers,
"buhisfacecertainly
rings
abell."
Followup:Thenextdaythecouplereturnstothetower.
secondhunch--back,
identicleto
thefirst,appearsandexclaims:
"Imustringthebell!"
Herunsintothebell,fallsfrom
the
tower,anddies.
"Well,whowasthat?"themanwonders,
to
which
hiwife
replies:
"Idon't
know.
buhewasdeadringerfortheotherguy."

909
What'sthedifferencebetween
coyoteandflea?
Onehowlson
theprairie,
andoneprowlson
thehairy
910
manwasdrivingaconvertiblewiththree
penquins
inthe
backseat.He
stopped
ata
gastatioansaitthattendant"I'vbeedriving
around
witthespenguinfordaynow.Idon'tknowwhattodowiththem.""Whydon'tyoutakethem
tothezoo?"the
attendant
suggested.
"That'sgreatidea.Thanks!"saidtheman.
weeklaterthesameguystopsatthesamegasstation--thpenguinsare
still
ithbackseat.Theattendantsaystohim,"Hey,Ithoughtyouweregoingtotakethem
tothezoo?"
"I
did,"themanreplied."Wehadablast--today
we're
gointthbeach!"
911
Q:Whydidthefirstmonkeyfalloutofthetree?
A:
Becausehewasdead.
Q:
Whydidthesecondmonkeyfalloutofthetree?
A:
Becausehewastiedtothefirstmonkey.
Q:
Whydidthethirdmonkeyfalloutof
the
tree?
A:
Monkeysee,monkeydo.
Q:
Whydidthefourthmonkeyfalloutofthetree?
A:
Peerpressure.
912
Anelderlycouplewasonacruiseanditwasreallystormy.Theywerestandingonthebackofthebo
atwatchingthemoon,whenawavecameupandwashedtheoldwomanoverboard.Theysearchedforda
ysandcouldn'tfindher,sothecaptainsenttheoldmanbacktoshorewiththepromisethathewou
ldnotifyhim
assoonastheyfoundsomething.Threeweekswentbyandfinallytheoldmangotafaxfrom

theboat.Itread:"Sir,sorrytoinform
you,wefoundyourwifedeadatthebottom
oftheocean.Wehauledheruptothedeck

andattachedtoherrearwasaoysterandin
it
waspearl
worth$50,000...pleaseadvise"
Theoldmanfaxedback:"Sendmethepearlandre--bait
thetrap"
913
Twomagpiesweresittingonthetelegraphwires.
Oneturnedtotheotherandsaid
"Don'tthoselongwordstickleyourbum?"
914
Anelderlycouplehaddinneratanothercouple'shouse,andaftereating,the
wives
left
thetableandwent
intothekitchen.
Thetwoelderlygentlemenweretalking,andonesaid,"Lastnight,wewentouttoanew
restaurant,anditwasreallygreat.Iwouldrecommenditveryhighly."
Theothermansaid,"Whatwasthenameoftherestaurant?"
Thefirstmanthoughtandthoughtandfinallysaid,"Whatisthenameofthat
floweryougivetosomeoneyoulove??Youknow...theonethatisredandhasthorns."
"Doyoumeanarose?"
"Yes,"themansaid.Hethenturnedtowardsthekitchenand
yelled,
"Rose,what'sthenameofthatrestaurantwewenttolastnight?"
915
adogcomesintoabarandasksforabeer
thebartender,
littlesurprisedservesthedog
thebeer
thedog
drinksthebeerandasksforthebill
"it'lb1dollars"
saysthbartender
thedog
paysandisleaving
throughthedoorwhen
thebartendersays
"iinousuathavdoghere
drinking"
thedog
hearsandanswers"for10dollarsbeernodog
can
keep
drinking
here"
944
HowDo
YouGetHoly
Water?YouBoilThe
HellOutOf

It.
945
wifewenttothepolicestationwithhernext--door
neighbor
to
reporther
husband
wasmissing.Thepolicemanaskedforadescription.
Shsaid"He's
3years
oldfoo4hadark
eyesdark
wavhair,
aathletibuildweighs
18pounds,
isoft--spoken,
and
igooto
the
children."
Thnext--door
neighbor
protested,
"Your
husband
ifoot4
incheschubby,
bald,
has
abig
mouth,andismeantoyourchildren."
Thwife
replied,
"Yeah,
butwho
wants
HIMback?"
946
Whywastiggerlookinithtoilet?
tofindpooh
947
What
fizzydrink
doesfrog
drink?
Crocacola
948
What
isthedifferencebetween
duck?
Oneofitslegsareboththesame!

949
Q:What'syellow
andcan't
waterski?
A:
bulldozer.

950
What
dyoucalladry
parrot?
Polyunsaturated
951
Thcourtwas
investigating
an
accident
Judge:Whatgearwereyouinatthemomentoftheimpact?
A:GuccisweatsandReeboks.
952
Chapgoestothedoctor,whoexamineshim
andsays"Hmmm,OK,goovertothe
window
andstick
yourtongueout".
"Butproteststhechap
"I'veonlygot
soreknee!".
"I
know"
saysthedoctor"buhatethat
blokeacrosstheroad".
953
What
isthedefinition
ofpain?
one--armedmanhangingoffacliffwithanitchybum.
954
Whyaregirraffesneckssolong?
Becausetheirheadsaresofaraway.
955
husbandtellsdoctor,'Doctormywifethinksshe'safourposterbed.'
doctor
replies,
'In
thatcase,
shneedto
ginto
care.'
husband
responds'Butwhatwillsleep
on'
956
QHow

doyou
know
that
you
haveslept
likelog?
A.Youwakeupinthefireplace.
957
"doncare
whossoyoare.
donwanyowalkinothwaterhere
where
I
am
fishingandscaringthefishesaway."
958
QWhy
dosquirrelsswimotheirbacks?
A.
Tokeeptheirnutsdry.
959
Stoppedatafriend'shousetheotherdayandfoundhim
stalking
aroundwithfly
swatter.
When
askedifhewasgetting
anyflies,
heanswered,
"Yeah,3malesand2females".
Curious,Iinquired
as
to
howhcould
tellthe
difference.
Hanswered,"3
were
onabeer
canand
were
onthe
phone."
960
mangoesintoadoctorssurgery.
Doctor,I'vegotapaininmyleg,
Dyouknowwhatitcould
be?
Goutsays
the
doctor.
Why

says
the
patient"I've
only
just
comein.
961
Q:WhatdidonechimneysaytotheotherA:yourtoyoungtosmoke

962
It'scontest.
There'sthree
contestants.
Thobjecisthesay
phrase
andhavtfill
ithe
blankand
spellthe
word.
Firstcontestant--"oldmacdonaldhada_______"First
contestantsayhousEWrong!!!!
Secondcontestant"oldmacdonaldhada_______".
YardYA
RD.
Wrong!!!!
Thirdcontestant"oldmacdonaldhada________"
farm,EIEIO.
963
dogcalled"RufusJagger"walksintoabank.TheTellersay's"HellomynameisSally
Whack,
how
can
help
you".
Thedog
putskeyring
withlittletoyelephant
attachedtoit
onto
the
counter
and
says
"I'like
aloan
please".
Sally
Whack,
baffeled
by
what's
happening
picksupthekeyringandcallshermanager,sheexplainsthesituationandshow'sher
managerthekeyring.Themanagersay's"It'sanicknackSallyWhackgivethedogaloanhis
oldman'sarollingstone".
964
Thpreacher
was
wired
fosounwith
alapelmike,andashepreached,hemoved
brisklyabouttheplatform,jerkingthemikecordashewent.
Thenhemovedtooneside,

gettinwounuithcord
annearly
trippedbeforejerkingitagain.Afterseveralcirclesandjerks,alittlegirlinthethird
pew
leanedtowardhermotherandwhispered,"Ifhegetsloose,willhehurtus?"
965
Twoelderlyladieshadbeenfriendsformanydecades.Overtheyearstheyhadshared
allkindsofactivitiesandadventures.Lately,theiractivitieshadbeenlimitedtomeetinga
few
timesaweektoplaycards.
Onedaytheywereplayingcardswhenonelookedattheother
andsaid,"Nowdon'tgetmadatme.....Iknowwe'vebeenfriendsforalongtime,butIjust
can'trememberyourname.I'vethoughtandthought,butIcan'trecallit.Pleasetellmewhat
yournameis."
Herfriendglaredather.Foratleastthreeminutesshejustlookedather.
Finally
shsaid,"Howsoondo
youneed
to
know?"
966
what
didonestrawberrysaytotheotherstrawbery?
iyoweren'tsofreshlastnightwewouldn'tbeinthisjam.
967
coupleintheirsixtiesarewalkingalongthebeachtoadmirethesunset.
Thewife
seesadirtylamp,andthehusbandstoopsdowntodustitoff.
magically,agenieappearsout
onowhere
and
thanksthecoupleprofuselyforfreeinghim
from
hisimprisonment.
'asa
reward,'
the
genie
says,'i'llgrantyoueach
one
wish.'
Thwife
says
'wantto
sailaround
the
world.
sendmeandmyhusbandonafirstclassluxuriouscruise'
*POOF*she'ssuddenly
holding
two
tickets
othe
finestshiaround

the
world.
the
geniturns
to
the
husband,
'and
foyou,
sir?'
the
husband
looks
athis
wife,
and
leans
iclose
to
the
genie'wantawife
thatis
thirtyyearsyoungerthanme'*POOF*
andhe'ssuddenly
ninety
yearold.
968
Onecowsaystotheother."Arn'tyoujustsoworriedaboutthemadcowdisease?"The
otheranswers"WhyshouldIworry?I'notacow,I'ahelicopter!"
969
Two
gangsters
walkinto
agrocerstore
and
while
they
are
walking
throughthe
Vegetable
aisleonegangstersaystotheother,"Hey.......lookatthat.....Artie--chokes,
foa
Dollar!!

970
What
doyou
call
450--poundcanary
sitting
itree?
Sir.
971
manleftforworkoneFridayafternoon.
But,insteadofgoinghome,hestayedout
theentireweekendhunting
withtheboysandspending
hisentirepaycheck.
When
hefinallygothomeSundaynight,hewasconfrontedbyhisveryangrywife,andwasbarragedfor2
hours.
Finally,hiswifestoppednaggingandsimplysaidtohim,"Howwouldyoulikeitifyou
didn'tseemefor2or3days?"
Towhichhereplied,"Thatwouldbefinewithme."
Monday
wentby,&hedidn'tseehiswife,Tuesday&Wednesdaycameandwentwiththesame
results.Thursday
the
swellingwentdown
just
enougwhere
hcouldsee
herlittlouof
thecornerofhisleft
eye.
972
Nothing
succeeds
like
abudgie
withoutabeak.
973
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenamonkeyandabicycle?A:Theybothclimbtreesexceptthebicy
cle.
974
Theoldmanwassittingonthebenchstarringatateen--ageboy
withhisspiked,
yellow,red,greenandorangehair.
thekidsays"what'sthematteroldman..haven'tyouever
doneanythingwildinyourdays??"
"YUP,saidtheoldman,madelovetoaparrotoncethoughtyoumightbemyson!"
975
Whatdoyoucallamanwithacaronhishead?

Jack
976
masterFrenchthiefdecidestopulloffahugejobattheLouvre,stealingseveral
valuable
paintings.
However,
hwas
stopped
anarrested
justafewblocksawayfrom
the
museum
atagasstation.
Whenaskedhowhecouldpulloffsuchaheistandyetgetarrested
seasily,
hresponded,
"IhadnoMonettogetDegastomaketheVanGogh."
977
Whydomermaidswearseashells?
BeacauseB--shellsaretoosmallandD--shells
are
too
big!
978
guyiswaitingtocrossthetrafficlightsasapedestrian,whenanotherguycomesup
andputshishandin
hispocket.
"What
doyou
think
yourdoin?"
theguasks.
"Just
lookin
for
light"
thegusays.
"Welwhdon'yojusask??'saythfirst
guy
"Idon'tliketalkintostrangers!!'"
comesthereply.
979
Whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossapittbullwithlassie?A
dogthatbitesyourlegthen
goeangethelp
980
Whattimeisitwhenanelephantsitsonalawnchair?Timetogetanewlawnchair.

981
Wannahearadirtyjoke?...Billyfellinthemud.
...Wannhearcleajoke?...Billtoobatwitbubbles.

...Wannhearanotherdirty
joke?...Bubbleithgirl
next--door.
982
It'sspringtimeandafamilyofmolesdecidesit'stimetocomeoutofhibernation.
The
daddymolestickshisheadoutoftheground,smellstheairandsays,"mmmm,smellslike
bacon."
Themommamolesticksherheadout,smellstheair,andsays,"mmmmm,smellslike
pancakes."
Thebabymoletriestostickhisheadout,butthereisn'tenoughroom,sohe
smellstheairandsays,"mmmm,smellslikemolasses."
983
busstationiswhereabusstops.A
trainstationiswhereatrainstops.OnmydeskI
have
aworkstation.
984
Q:Whathappensifyoudon'tpayyourexorsist.A:yougetrepossesed
985
Whydon't
gypsiesplayrugby?
--Because
thehavcrystal
balls.
986
Whatdoyoucallafishthatsnotverysmart?A
dumbbass
987
diyouhear
abouttheboywhosnosegrew11inches?hethoughtitmightturnintoa
foot
988
Howmanysurrealistsdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
10:1tochangethelightbulb,and9towrestlewiththegiantgeckointhebathroom!
989
WhydoSkoda'shaverearwindscreenwarmers?
Tokeepyourhandswarm
whenyourpushingit!

990
What
doyou
call
Skoda
withsunroof?
skip.
991
WhydoSkodashavetwoexhaust
pipes?
Wheelbarrow.
992
Doctor
Bobhad
sleptwith
one
ohipatients
and
had
feltguilty
allday
long.Nomatterhowmuchhetriedtoforgetaboutit,hecouldn't.Theguiltandsenseofbetrayal
wasoverwhelming.Buteveryonceinawhilehe'dhearthatsoothingvoice,withinhimself,tryi
ngtoreassurehim:
"Bobdon'worry
abouitYoaren't
thefirst
doctortosleep
withoneoftheirpatients...
and
youwon'tbethelast.Andyou'resingle.Letitgo......"Butinvariablyanothervoicewouldbr
inghim
backtoreality:"Bob,you'reavet..."
993
Howmanyreligiouseducationteacher'sdoesitaktscrew
ilighbulb?
One,
andtheirGodofchoice.
994
Whydidthebirdwithoneeyecrosstheroad
Tgettwo
birdseye
factory

995
Twobugsgooutofaconcert.Thesmalleroneasks:Shallwewalkhomeortakeadog?
996
guywalks
outto
hiporch
onday
and
seeasnailcrawling
across
the
step.
Hepicksuthsnail
andthrowsiacrossthlawnintthstreet.
Twyearslaterhhearsasoftknocking
othe
doorhgoeto
the
dooand
opens
it.
Thsnail,
looking
upfrom
the
groundathim,says"Wellwhatwas*that*about?"
997
What
doyou
call
sheep
withnoheadorlegs?
cloud.
998
Iam
nowonaseafooddiet!
see
foodandeait!!
999
Sothesetwostatues,oneofamanandoneofawoman,arestandingin
park.
Like
allgoodstatuestheyarenudeandcoveredinbirdpoop.
Onedayanangelcomesdownandsays
tothem
"Iam
goingtoanimateyoufor10minutesandforthose10minutesyoucandowhateveryouwant,butthen
youhavetobecomestatuesagain
forthrest
oyourlivesSotheybothrunoffbehindthebushes.
Soundsoftrueenjoymentemanatefrom

thebushesand
thentheyreturnabout5minuteslater.
Theangelasks"Whydon'tyouuseyourwholeten
minutes?"
Thewomanturnstothemanandsays"Iguesswecoulddoitagain,butthistime
yohold
the
bird's
heaanI'llpoooit."
1000
Did
youhear
the
one
aboutthe
Magicianwho
was
walkingdownthe
streetwhenhe
turnedintoRestaurant?
1001
When
diewouldliketogolikemygrandfather--ihissleep,
quietl--nohollering
andscreaminglikealltheotherpeopleinhiscar.
1002
Thiswomanrushedtoseeherdoctor,lookingverymuchworriedandallstrungout.Sherattlesof
f,"Doctor,takealookatme.
WhenIwokeupthismorning,Ilookedatmyselfinthemirrorandsawmyhairallwiryandfrazzledu
p,myskinwasallwrinkledandpasty,myeyewere
bloodshotand
bugging
out,
and
had
this
corpse--likelookonmyface!What's
WRONGwithme,Doctor!?"Thdoctorlooksheroverforacoupleofminutes,thencalmlysays,"Wel
l,Icantellyouthat
thereain't
nothing
wrong
withyoureyesight...."
1003
Q.
What
doyou
get
when
Godzilla
stepson
yourhouse?

A.
Mushrooms.
1004
What
isbabybee--littlehumbug
1005
Didyouhearaboutthemanwholivedinatyre?Hehadapuncturesonowhelivesinaflat!

1006
A
manisgoestohisdoctorbecauseheisnotfeelingwell.
Thedoctordetermineshis
conditionisveryseriousandtellsthemanhedoesnothavelongtolive.
Themanaskshow
muchlongerhehasandthedoctorreplies"10,9,8,7,..."
1007
Did
youhear
aboutthe
cowboy
who
gotcaughtshoplifting?He
gottwo
yeehars!!
1008
AsateacherIwastryingtogetmystudentstounderstandwhat
"punwas.
gave
them
10examplesbutwasnotsuccessful.
Theycouldnotunderstandanyofthem.
Youmight
say
thatno
pun
iten
did!
1009
A
pigfarmerishavingtroublegettinghispigstobreed.
So,heasksafriendwhathe
thinksiswrong.
Thefriendtellshim
thatthishappenedtohim
once,andthatthepigsdon't
knowhowtobreed.
Hisfriendsaysthatwhenithappenedtohim,hehadtoshoweachpig
what
it
wassupposedtodo.
Well,thepigfarmerfeelsprettystupidaboutthis,but
decidestogiveit
try.
Buin
orderto
avoidanyoneseeingthis,hepilesthepigsupinthetruckanddrivesthem
toahiddenpartof
thefarm,wayintheback.
He"teaches"ofallthepigs,whichexhaustshim
andthenhauls
them

backtothepen.Thenextmorningheaskshiswifetocheckifthepigsarebreeding,shetellhim
theyaren't.
Wearily,hegoesoutand"teaches"them
alloveragain.Thenextmorningheaskshiswifeiftheyarebreedingyetandshesays"No".
Frustratedand
exhausted,
hasks"Wellwhaare
thedoing?!?!"
Twhichiwifreplies,
"Sittinithetruck,
honking
thehorn."
1010
Whatdoyoucallamonkeyinaminefield?A
BABOON!!!!!!!!!!
1011
A
mandecidestotaketheopportunitywhilehiswifeisawaytopaint
thtoileseat.Afterhefinished,hewenttothekitchentoraidthefridge.Thewifecomeshomeso
onerthanexpected,andheadstothebathroom,sitsdownandgetsthetoiletseatstucktoherrea
r.Inapanicshe
shoutstherhusbandtdrive
hertothedoctor.
Sheputson
largeovercoat
to
coverthestuckseat,andofftheygo.Whentheygettothedoctorsoffice,themanliftshiswifesc
oattoshowtheirpredicament.Themanasked,`Doctor,haveyoueverseenanythinglikethisbef
ore?`
`Well,yes.`thedoctorreplied.`Butneverframed.`
1012
A
flashfloodsweptoveranarea,strandingamaninhishouse.Asthewaterrose,arescueteam
camebyinaboat."Getin,"therescuerssaid."We'lltakeyoutosafety."No,"said
theman."IhavefaithintheLord.Hewillsaveme."
Therainscontinuedandsoonthemanwasforcedupontohisrooftoavoiddrowning.Soon,another
boatcameby."Sir,pleasegetin,"therescuersinthisboatsaid."Thewatersare
rising.We'lltake
youto
safety."No,"saidthemanagain."IhavefaithintheLord.Hewillsave
me."
Theboatleft,andsoonthemanwasbarelyabletokeephisheadabovethewater.Thewaterbecamer
ougherandahelicopterwasdispatchedtosavetheman."We'lllowerarope.Getin
thecopter!"yelledtherescuersfrom
above."Thewatershowsnosignofabating.You'resure

todrown!"Onceagain,themanrefused."IhavefaithintheLord,"hesaidcalmly."Hewill
saveme."
Eventually,themandid,infact,drown.Whenhegottoheaven,
hsathLord
andapproachedhim."Whathappened?"askedtheman.Ihadfaiththatyouwouldsavemefrom
drowning.
Why
didn'tyou?"
"Hey,replied
the
Lord"Isenttwo
boats
and
ahelicopter.
What
else
diyowant?"
1013
MahatmaGandhi,asyouknow,walkedbarefootmostofthetime,whichproducedanimpressiveset
ofcallusesonhisfeet.Healsoateverylittle,whichmadehim
ratherfrail,and
withhisodddiet,hesufferedfrom
badbreath.
supercallusedfragilemystichexedbyhalitosis.
1014
A
flashfloodsweptoveranarea,strandingamaninhishouse.Asthewaterrose,arescueteam
camebyinaboat."Getin,"therescuerssaid."We'lltakeyoutosafety."No,"said
theman."IhavefaithintheLord.Hewillsaveme."
Thrains
continuedandsoonthemanwasforcedupontohisrooftoavoiddrowning.Soon,anotherboatcame
by."Sir,pleasegetin,"therescuersinthisboatsaid."Thewatersare
rising.We'lltakeyoutosafety."No,"saidthemanagain."IhavefaithintheLord.He
wilsave
me."
Theboatleft,andsoonthemanwasbarelyabletokeephisheadabovethewater.Thewaterbecamer
ougherandahelicopterwasdispatchedtosavetheman."We'lllowerarope.Getin
thecopter!"yelledtherescuersfrom
above."Thewatershowsnosign
ofabating.
You'resure
todrown!"Onceagain,themanrefused."IhavefaithintheLord,"hesaidcalmly."Hewill
saveme."
Eventually,themandid,infact,drown.Whenhegottoheaven,hesawtheLordandapproachedhim
."Whathappened?"askedtheman.Ihadfaiththatyouwouldsavemefrom
drowning.
Why
didn'tyou?"
"Hey,replied
the
Lord"Isenttwo
boats
and
ahelicopter.
What

else
diyowant?"
1015
Q.
What
isBig,
Red&eatsRocks?
A.
bigredrockeater!
1016
Ifa
wheel
fallsoffbuswhiletraveling
down
river,
how
long
will
it
taketoshingleadohouse?
None,
because
there's
nbones
icottage
cheese!
1017
Matt:Igotasetofgolfclubsformywife.Ben:Nicetrade.
1018
Two
guywere
walking
othestreetwhenoneofthem
says:
"I'verealizedthatmywifeisanangel.""Mineisn'thuman,either",saidthesecond.
1019
Two
nunwere
travelling
through
Europitheir
car.
Thegetto
Transylvaniaand
are
stopped
atatraffic
light.
Suddenly,
a

diminutiveDraculajumpsontothehoodofthecarandscratchesathewindshield!

"Quickquick!!"
shoutthfirst
nun"Whashaldo?"
"Turn
thwindshielwipers
onthawilgerid
othe
abomination,"shoutsthesecond.
Sheswitchesthem
on,knocking
Dracula
about,
buheclingson
andhissesevenmoreloudly!
"Whashaldnow?shoutthfirst
nun.
"Switcothwindshielwasher.
filleiuwitHoly
Water
ithe
Vatican!"
says
the
second.
Draculasteamsasthewaterburnshisskin,but
heclingson
and
hisseagain
atthe
nuns.
"Nowwhat?"screamsthefirstnun.
"Showhim
yourcross!"saysthesecond.
Sothenunrollsdownthewindowandshouts:"GETOFFMYFREAKIN'
HOOD!!"
1020
Question:Whatisahoneymooner'ssandwich?
Answer:Lettucealone!
1021
What'sGrecian
Urn?
About50Drachmaaday
1022
Q:Why
didtheKoala
fall
out
ofthetree.
A:Becauseitwasdead!
Q:Why
didtheKookaburra

fall
out
ofthetree
A:BecauseitwashitbyafallingdeadKoala
Q:Why
doKangaroo'sjumpA:TomissallthedeadKoala's.
1023
Q:Whatcanyoutellwhenyourdrummerisdroolingoutofbothsidesofhismouth?
A:
Thestageislevel.
1024
A
guygetshomefrom
workonenightandhearsavoice.
Thevoicetellshim,"Quit
youjob,
sellyourhouse,takeyourmoney,gotoVegas."Themanisdisturbedatwhathehearsandignorest
hevoice.Thenextdaywhenhegetshomefrom
work,thesamethinghappens.
The
voicetellshim,"Quityourjob,sellyourhouse,takeyourmoney,gotoVegas."
Againtheman
ignorethe
voicethough
hivertroubled
by
thevent.
Everyday,dayafterday,themanhearsthesamevoicewhenhegetshomefrom
work,"Quityourjob,sellyourhouse,takeyourmoney,gotoVegas."Eachtimethemanhearsthev
oicehebecomesincreasinglyupset.Finally,aftertwoweeks,hesuccumbstothepressure.
Hedoesquithisjob,sells
hishouse,takeshismoneyandheadstoVegas.ThemomentthemangetsofftheplaneinVegas,thev
oicetellshim,"Go
tHarrah's."
So,hehopsinacabandrushesovertoHarrah's.Assoon
ashesetsfootinthecasino,thevoicetellshim,"Gototheroulette

table."
Themandoesasheistold.
Whenhegetstotheroulettetable,thevoicetellshim,"Putallyour
moneyon17."
Nervously,themancashesinhismoneyforchipsandthen
putsthem
allon17.
Thedealerwishesthemangoodluckandspinstheroulettewheel.Around
andaroundtheballgoes.
Themananxiouslywatchestheballasitslowly
losesspeeduntilfinallyitsettlesintonumber...21.
Thevoicesays,"Damn."
1025
HowmanyearsdidDavyCrocketthave?Three.A
leftear,arightear,andawildfront
ear.
1026
WheredoesKyliegetherkeebabsfrom?
....Jasons
Donervan!
1027
Jesus
Christwalksuptoanangrymobthatisstoningaharlot.Hestepsintothefray
andcallsoutinacommandingvoice:
"Let
hwhiwithousicasthfirst
stone."
Shamefaced,thecrowdstopsandbeginstoslinkaway.Suddenly,awomanshrieks,"Stone
her!",andthemobstartsagainwiththefrenziedstoning.
Christ,chagrined,goestothewomanandsays:
"Damnit,Mom,Ihateitwhenyoudothat.."
1028
What
doyou
get
ifyou
lie,
facedown
undercow?
Answer:A

PATONTHEBACK!
1031
Howdid
the
elephantgetothe
tree?Satoan
acorn
and
waited
foitto
grow.
Howdidtheelephantgetoffthetree?SatonaleafandwaitedtillAutumn.
1032
What
doyou
get
ifyou
lie,
facedown
undercow?
Answer:A
PATONTHEBACK!
1034
Whatscaniblesfavouritegame?
Swallowmyleader!
1035
ifaflyandafleepasseachotherwhattimeisit?
Fly
pastflee!
1036
Q.Why
wastheEgtptian
girl
worried?
A.BecauseherDaddywasamummy!
1037
Q:Howmanypsychanalystsareneededtochangealightbulb?
:Oneisenough,butthebulbmustwanttochange,anditcantakeyears.

1038
A
drummergetsfedupwithallthecommentsdenyinghe'sarealmusician,andsohe
decidestolearnsomenewinstruments.
HevisitshislocalMusicshop,andspendsanhour
looking
aroundanddeliberating.
"Right!"
He
saysafteraage"I'lhavthshinred
oneanthaccordion
thinoverthere".
"I'ldyodealaythMusiShoManager,
"Yocabuthfire
extinguisher,
buthe
radiator
istayingwhere
it
is".
1039
Q.Whenisavetbusiest?A.Whenitsrainingcatsanddogs!
1040
Q)What
isthedifferencebetween
illegal
andunlawful?
A)Oneisagainstthelawandtheotherisasickbird.
1041
Q.What'sthedifferencebetweenarainstorm
andalionwittoothace.
A.Onepourswithrainandtheotherroarswithpain.