A Bawdy, Swingin' New Musical: (Book & Lyrics by Music by Charles Leipart Eric Schorr

A Bawdy, Swingin New Musical
(Based on the Stephen Mitchell novella, The Frog Prince)

Book & Lyrics by
Charles Leipart
Music by
Eric Schorr
INQUIRIES TO:
Ron Gwiazda
Abrams Artists Agency
275 Seventh Avenue, 26th Floor
New York, NY 10001
(646) 461-9325
e-mail: Ron.Gwiazda@abramsartny.com
Visit: www.frogkissthemusical.com
FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr
Cast of Characters
(The cast is 15: 8 men, 7 women,
racially & ethnically diverse;
in order of appearance)
Five Tao Masters (3 men, 2 women)
Four EveryBodys (2 men, 2 women)
King Frederic
Queen Margot
Hortense
Claus
Princess Clementine
The Frog
TIME and PLACE: The timeless and eternal space of the universe.
Then: A distant galaxy, a somewhat France, in the fanciful kingdom
of Chambord-on-the-Loire.
AUTHORS NOTE: Throughout this pre-production script there are
frequent indications of staging ideas and comic business. These are
intended only as suggestions to be transformed by the director and
choreographers imaginations.
Musical Numbers
Act One
OPENING: "Where The Wind Blows
Revolt!
Every Yin
Q.E.D.!
"Meant To Be Together"
A Royal Wedding
Patience
Three Ball Monte
Tips for the Married Princess
"If You Think Youre A Frog"
The Promise
Froggie Oughta Do!
Talents To Tap
Tao Masters
The Peasantry, King, Queen,
Claus, Hortense
Tao Masters, Royal Family,
the Peasantry
P r i n c e s s C l e m e n t i n e , Ta o
Masters
the Frog, Masters, the Water
Lilies
King Frederic, Queen Margot,
Princess, Hortense, Claus
Tao Masters
Princess, Ladies-in-Waiting,
Tao Masters
Hortense, Princess Clementine,
the Boys
Princess, the Frog
Princess, the Frog
Lily and the Frogzelles,
FrogBoyz, the Frog
Hortense, the Frog, Claus,
Tao Masters, the EveryBodys
Act Two
THE ENTR ACTE
A Princess, A Ball, and a Frog
"Think Of The Children"
Grooming the Groom
Meant To Be Together (Reprise)
The Agony
"Some Women"
Hortenses Recipe
Clauss Turn
"Look Into My Eyes"
The Most Excellent Way
The Pitch
Every Ending & Tap Finale
Courtiers, the Peasants, Royal

Family
Hortense, Masters, Claus, the
Frog
Queen Margot, King Frederic
Princess, the Frog, and Company
the Frog
the Princess
Queen Margot, Princess,
Ladies-in-Waiting
Hortense
C l a u s , F r o g , To a d M e n &
Maidens
the Frog, Princess
Master DIVA, Tao Masters and
Princess, the Frog
Tao Masters, the Frog
The Company
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-1
ACT I
Prologue
(OPENING: WHERE THE WIND BLOWS)
(An infinitely deep and cosmic space. A great meditation GONG
echoes through the Cosmos. Out of the Mists of Time, FIVE TAO
MASTERS appear [3 males, 2 females]. THEY move in a playful
meditative dance)
TAO MASTERS (a jazzy chant):
Where the wind blows,
We go.
Where the Tao flows,
WE GO
MASTER #1:
We are the Taoist Masters,
(He magically reveals a small golden TAO book emblazoned with
the Yin-Yang symbol-- DING!)
your spiritual guides,
inviting you tonight,
MASTER #2 (Sings):
To join us on a journey,
(Speaking): OH, YEAH!
(the TAO book magically disappears)
ALL MASTERS (Sing):
A Time-Defying flight,
through the vast and deep celestial blue-Embrace our cosmic dance,
to a distant galaxy-where we will shortly be,
In a strange, peculiar land called-- FRANCE!
MASTER #3: Where there was a King and a Queen,
MASTER #4 & 5: And a kingdom in a WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE!
(An angry, ragged PEASANT MOB [the EVERYBODYS] rushes in,
waving rakes and brooms, ROARING)
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-2
PEASANT MOB: ROOOARRRRRR!!

MASTER #1: TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION!
(The MASTERS flip their costumes to peasant rags and join the
Peasants Revolt)
Scene 1
(REVOLT!)
PEASANTS (Singing agitato):
REVOLT! REVOLT!
DOWN WITH THE KING!
DOWN WITH THE QUEEN!
Bring em out!
Shout it out,
REVOLT!
NO HAY! NO WHEAT!
NOTHIN TO EAT,
RAGS ON OUR FEET!
WILD-HAIRED RADICAL:
Hens wont lay!
Tax to pay!
PEASANTS:
REVOLT!
PEASANTS (Various):
No bread to bake, the Rich eat cake!
To plague us, an awful drought!
The cows wont milk,
our Frenchie beans wont sprout!
No patch of straw to thatch our roof
--and if youre still needin proof,
NO chicken in our pot!
NO pan o choco-lot!
Revolt!
PEASANTS:
REVOLT!
DOWN WITH THE KING!
DOWN WITH THE QUEEN!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-3
Run em through!
Two by two!
REVOLT!
PEASANTS (Shouting): We want the King and Queen! Bring em out! Bring
em out-- NOW!!
(The QUEEN and the KING appear)
KING (to the PEASANTS):
Calm yourself, Good People!
Were as badly off as you,
Your heavy load of miseries we share!
QUEEN:
All my lovely roses have withered on the vine,
the Royal Palace cupboards nearly bare!
(Enter HORTENSE and CLAUS in their royal raiment)
HORTENSE (Speaking): Dont worry, Mummy, weve got enough.
CLAUS (German accent): Vee been hoarding goose pt,
HORTENSE: And lots of yummy gourmet stuff!
Revolt!
KING, QUEEN, CLAUS, HORTENSE:
REVOLT??
PEASANTS (Chanting over music in rhythm for rest of A):
Wheres our Princess Clementine?
We want our Princess Clementine!
Give us Princess Clementine!
So smart! So good!
Clever she be!
QUICK AS A FLEA, youll see!
KING and QUEEN:
Where is our daughter Clementine?
WILD-HAIRED RADICAL (Mocking): Pluckin petals from some flower! HA!!
STORM THE PALACE!! AFTER EM!!
(Lead by the WILD-HAIRED RADICAL, the PEASANT MOB rush
the ROYAL FAMILY; the QUEEN and HORTENSE screaming)
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-4
QUEEN and HORTENSE: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!! DADDY!!

(The TAO MASTERS step forward and confront the MOB with a
martial arts stance, protecting the ROYAL FAMILY)
MASTERS: STOP. RIGHT. THERE.
WILD-HAIR RADICAL: SEZ WHO? HA!!
(A female MASTER easily flips the RADICAL)
MASTER: Nice work, Delores.
KING: Oh, Wondrous Strangers, you have saved us!
ANOTHER MASTER: At your service, Your Majesty. We are the Masters of the
TAO TE CHING. (HE bows)
MASTERS ALL: KA-CHING!! DO-WAH!
WILD-HAIR RADICAL: THE DOW DA WHO? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!
ANOTHER MASTER: Relax, Robespierre.
MASTER: You have summoned us, Your Majesty.
KING: I summoned you? But how?
MASTERS (Sing):
While flying high
In our meditative state,
we caught your vibe
So lets communicate.
KING: Whats a VIB?
MASTER: A kind of mental S.O.S. Check your pocket, King.
(The KING puts his hand in his pocket and draws out a dusty little
gold book with the Yin-Yang symbol)
KING: Ah, yes, the dusty little book I found in the Royal Library this morning.
THE TAO. I thought to read it in bed tonight.
PEASANTS: LETS EAT THEM!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-5
QUEEN: Oh, Masters, can you solve our problems?

VARIOUS MASTERS: Madame, you do the solvin. We ask the questions. Take
it from there! Its your trip!
QUEEN: TRIP? Should I pack my Louis Vuitton?
MASTER #1: As Masters of the Tao, we can be ANYWHERE!
VARIOUS MASTERS: ANYONE! ANYTHING! SEEN AND UNSEEN!!
(NOTE: The following is demonstrated by the MASTERS with
gesture & comic pantomime)
MASTER #2: A great cloud in the sky, or a tiny bean.
MASTER #1: a DOG,
MASTER #3 as DOG: RUFF, RUFF, RUFF!
MASTER #4: a DOLL,
MASTER #5 as MAE WEST: Why dontcha come up and see me sometime?
MASTER #1: A MULBERRY TREE,
(The MASTERS drape themselves on one another, arms spread
like a great tree)
MASTER #1 (Contd): Whatever is required. To keep the Tao a flowin!
ANOTHER MASTER: And the beauty of the Tao, Your Majesties, there is a bit of
Taoist guy in every one of you!
ALL MASTERS (in harmony):
OH, YEAH!!
KING: Most wonderful, Margot!
CLAUS: In me, too? DAS IST GUT.
HORTENSE: Ill skip the peasant rags, thank you.
PEASANT WOMAN: I WANT THEIR SHOES!!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

KING:
1-6
BE CIVIL, MY PEOPLE!! Let us welcome to Chambord-on-the-Loire,

these Reverend Masters.
Masters, this is my Queen, my youngest
daughter, Hortense, and her husband, Claus a German import.
CLAUS: JAWOHL!
WILD-HAIRED RADICAL: OUT WITH THE KRAUT!!
KING: And so we begin. (Opening the little Tao book, reading): Chapter One:
Open yourself to the Tao, Trust to the things that come! (HE opens his
arms widely) IM OPEN.
MASTERS: HES OPEN. WERE IN!
(The MASTERS throw off their peasant rags, fully revealing
themselves)
MASTERS (Jazzy, swinging):
We go.
We go.
Were the Tao guys who know
That the good life starts to swing
When youre blowin, flowin
With the Tao Te Ching!
A scoodily-wha-da-ding!
With that Tao Te Ching!
PEASANTS (Chanting):
DOWN WITH THE ROYALS!!
GRABBIN THE SPOILS!
ROCK EM!
SOCK EM!
SIS-BOOM-BA!
SMACK EM IN THE OO-LA-LA!!
QUEEN: Masters, we have a revolution on our hands!
(EVERY YIN)
MASTERS (Sing):
Every yin
Needs a yang.
Every yang
Needs a yin.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-7
Thats the way things begin.

Get the whole shebang,
When a sweet yin gets her yang!
Every black
Needs a white,
Every day
Needs a night.
Otherwise it dont jive,
Right before your eyes
Woe and Misery arrive!
In an endless circle of creation,
The universe does roll.
But you dont get no body,
Until you get some soul!
Couple up
Yin to yang.
To the fact, coming back
Like a boomerang!
Every big yang needs his baby yin,
Every sweet yin needs her Daddy yang!
(Music continues under)
QUEEN: Frederic, its absolutely clear to me. COUPLE UP. YIN TO YANG.
Theyre speaking of our Clementine! Shes got to get herself a husband.
PEASANTS: YEH!! GET ER A HUSBAND!!
QUEEN (to the MASTERS): That is what you mean, isnt it?
MASTERS: THE MEANING IS WHATS MEANINGFUL TO YOU.
HORTENSE: Believe me, Daddy, every Princess needs a big yang.
KING (Sings):
Yin and Yang
Broke in two!
QUEEN:
Yes, Frederic, its clear,
what weve got to do!
KING and QUEEN:
Got to get our Princess wed somehow!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-8
MASTERS:
Get her wed somehow!
ALL:
Someones got to find the Princess NOW!
KING:
Find the Princess NOW!
ALL:
Find the Princess Now
(The ROYAL FAMILY and the PEASANTS exit hurriedly in various
directions, leaving the WILD-HAIRED RADICAL alone)
WILD-HAIRED RADICAL: REVOLT!!
(ONE MASTER confronts HIM with SCATTING)
ONE MASTER:
Doodily-wha-da-dee! Scoo-ba-ba-do-ba-DO-DOW!!
OH, YEEEAAAH!!
(the WILD-HAIRED RADICAL backs away in terror, running off.
The MASTERS exit in a series of acrobatic flipsas transition to
the WOODS.
ONE MASTER appears with a large piece of chalk)
ONE MASTER: A CLEARING IN THE WOODS. (HE draws a circle on the
stage floor) A SPECIAL SECRET WELL. (the circle fills with a blue light-the MASTER vanishes)
Scene 2
(A CLEARING IN THE WOODS with well.
The PRINCESS
CLEMENTINE enters studying a large colored leaf with her
magnifying glass)
PRINCESS: Incredible! The unique coloration of this acanthus major comes
from the high magnesium-phosphate content of our royal soil! I knew I
could prove it and I did!
As we say in Latin, QUOD ERAT
DEMONSTRANDUM. Or, to be brief, Q.E.D.! (Sings
Q.E.D.!)
Amazing!
Such marvels!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-9
Exploring in my private woods

at my special, secret well,
with no one to tell my discoveries to,
But you,
Dear Reflection,
Intelligent you.
A world of natural wonders
and for each thing we hear and see,
there is a logical explanation
if only we think scientifically
These pleasing lips,
This noble chin,
Are but a convolution of some bone and skin.
Objective fact,
Ergo, so there:
It is skeletal anatomy that makes a lady fair!
The robins song
is no surprise.
--For by dissection I know how he sings and flies.
The proof is there
for all to see:
His song and winged flight are sheer mechanics, Q.E.D.
Q.E.D.!
Q.E.D.!
First I posit,
then I prove it, One, Two, Three!
Theres nothing in the world that cant
be analyzed by me!
It all comes back to: Q.E.D.!
These porcupines,
A prickly pair.
Their getting stuck with quills, an amorous affair!
If this is love,
I must infer,
There is a painful consequence in matching him to her!
(The TAO MASTERS enter the clearing as FIELD RABBITS wearing
RABBIT EARS, scampering about)
MASTERS: IN MATCHING HIM TO HER!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-10
PRINCESS: RABBITS? There must be a WARREN nearby. MAKE NOTE IN

JOURNAL! (SHE does)
MASTERS: Q.E.D.!
PRINCESS: Q.E.D.!
MASTERS: Q.E.D.!
PRINCESS: Q.E.D.!
MASTERS:
Yes, her logic
is exquisite, we agree!
PRINCESS:
Theres nothing in this world that cant
be analyzed by me!
PRINCESS and MASTERS:
It all comes back to: Q.E.D.!
PRINCESS:
I have but one ambition,
to know all that is known.
But whats the good of all this knowing,
that leaves me in the forest all alone?
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-- all alone!
As for a mate,
MASTERS: As for a mate!
It seems my fate
MASTERS: It seems her fate!
that all the men I meet are sadly second-rate.
MASTERS: So second-rate!
Is there a prince?
MASTERS: Is there a prince?
Some Lancelot?
MASTERS: Some Lancelot?
I could stay chaste and single but Id really rather not.
MASTERS: Shed really rather not!
Reflection, dear,
Our choice is clear:
to sit and wait for someone extra-ordinary to appear.
(The MASTERS go to the well, forming a closed circle around it)
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-11
But that special someone

would have to be,
As extraordinarily logical,
As extraordinarily rational,
And to be much more specific,
as precise and scientific
as me!
(The MASTERS lift the FROG up and out of the well)
FROG (Spoken): Q.E.D.!
(The PRINCESS screams. The MASTERS VANISH)
PRINCESS: AAGGGGHHHHHHHH!
(The FROG screams)
FROG: AAGGGGHHHHHHHH! (Then) Hello. I hope I didnt frighten you.
PRINCESS: Im not frightened, just a little startled thats all. I didnt expect a frog
to pop out of the well and start speaking to me.
FROG: The roses of Rouen are rarely raked or ruffled.
PRINCESS: Try saying that three times fast.
FROG (HE does, quickly): The roses of Rouen are rarely raked or ruffled, the
roses of Rouen are rarely raked or ruffled, the roses of Rouen
PRINCESS: Possibly Frog Dementia, caused by lead poisoning from the Royal
Cannonball Factory. Who are the current King and Queen of Chambordon-the-Loire?
FROG: Frederic the Good and Margot the Magnificent. And youre our princess.
PRINCESS: How do you know that?
FROG: You have a crown on your head.
PRINCESS: Right. You seem to have all your faculties intact. How long have
you been talking?
FROG: I think it all began when you smiled at me.
PRINCESS: Smiled at you? I dont remember smiling at you.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-12
FROG: I was meditating at the bottom of the well when I looked up and saw you
smiling down at me
PRINCESS: Oh, that I was only studying my bone structure. You see, Ive
determined that my lips and my chin are geometrically and symmetrically-FROG: Absolute perfection.
PRINCESS: Hardly. That, Sir Frog, we shall determine empirically by controlled
experiment and detailed observation-- Wait. I just realized. Theres a
drought on and yet theres water in your well.
FROG: Theres always water in the well.
PRINCESS: How is that possible?
FROG: It all depends on how deep youre willing to go.
PRINCESS: Dont go anywhere. Ill want to make a detailed study of you for my
monograph on the amphibious fauna of Chambord-on-the-Loire.
FROG: Id be honored, Your Highness.
PRINCESS: Well, now, I cant stand here all day talking to a frog SINCE AT
PRESENT, UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE, THAT IS CLEARLY WHAT
YOU ARE.
FROG: I would wait here an eternity to see you again.
PRINCESS: Less hyperbole and a little more logic, please.
tomorrow. You are a most unusual specimen, after all.
FROG: Im glad you think so.
PRINCESS: Well, then. Arrivederci, Sir Frog.
FROG (With a flourish and bow): Grazie, Principessa!
PRINCESS: Freakish. But FASCINATING! (SHE exits, MUSIC,
the FROG looks blissfully about him. Then)
Ill be back
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-13
Scene 3
(MEANT TO BE TOGETHER)
FROG (Sings):
Incredible!
Amazing!
Just now
Instead of my customary croak
CROAK.
I spoke, Hello
HELLO.
With my fellow creatures of the forest,
I have no need of words as such.
But with this human Princess,
I like speaking very much.
A miracle?
A mystery?
Or could it merely be?
We were meant to be together.
We were meant to share a life.
Its defying naturetrue
But what else can we do?
If we were meant to be togetherfrog and wife?
Tho Im rather less than handsome
and far below the princely height.
The measure of a man
Is clearly if he can
See beyond the mud and moss to the sublime
Truly, we were meant to be together for all time!
Soon she will surely come to love me,
Soon she will surely come to see
Not a specimen or creature,
But a lover who could teach her
Secrets that might make my lady blush!
Let the turtles chortle
And the willow tree despair,
I dont care.
(HE dances ecstatically about. Then)
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

Id dive the deepest pool,
Be her slave and fool,
Serenade her nightly with my song,
RIBBIT. RIBBIT.
But, oh, the awful thought
No, the awful thought
What if Im wrong?
(The TAO MASTERS enter in colorful tank tops)
MASTERS ALL: Here we perform the WATER LILY CHORUS.
(THEY snap on their rubber water lily bathing caps, becoming the
WATER LILIES)
WATER LILIES (Sing):
Have you heard the frogs gone mad?
Fallen off his lily pad!
Wants to be the human sort,
Wear silk tights and dance at court!
(This is repeated in counterpoint to the FROGS)
FROG:
My bulging belly,
My goggle eyes,
I eat water bugs and dragonflies!
I sit like a lumpkin on my log
Shes a Princess!
Im a FROG!
WATER LILIES:
When is a problem not a problem?
Look beyond the lily pad.
Believe in what you do,
Love will see you through.
FROG:
Speed the day I wake to hear the woman say,
WATER LILIES: Hear her say!
FROG:
We were meant to be together,
WATER LILIES: AAHHHHH!
A perfect pair like earth and sky.
WATER LILIES: Earth and sky!
So ring the wedding bell,
1-14
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-15
For darling, I can tell

We were meant to be together,
WATER LILIES:
You were meant to be together!
FROG:
Heaven-sent to be together,
WATER LILIES:
Heaven-sent to be together!
We were meant to be together forever
You and I!
(the FROG, in ecstasy, leaps away)
WATER LILIES: YES!!
(THE MASTERS pull off their water lily caps, becoming THEMSELVES.
THEY hi-five each other and dance merrily offstage.
No. 6 MUSIC TRANSITION to Scene 4)
Scene 4
(THE ROYAL PRIVATE CHAMBER AT THE PALACE. A short time
later. The PRINCESS stands before her parents, the KING and
QUEEN. HORTENSE and CLAUS to one side)
PRINCESS: But Father, Im sure the Masters dont mean me. Theyre merely
talking about the yin and yang principles in general.
CLAUS: I must say, Father, Hortense and I dont see why Clementine has to get
married at all.
QUEEN: Clementine, if you didnt spend so much time in the woods, maybe
youd know whats been going on in this kingdom!
PRINCESS: Im perfectly aware of whats going on, Mother: droughts and bad
harvests and no Camembert and Civil Unrestall part of the inevitable
Eco-Political-Social Cycles. If we recall the Fall of Rome-KING: We dont have time for CYCLES! We have a rebellion out there!
(The MASTERS have joined the rebellious PEASANTS in rags with
pitchforks, popping up in the Chamber Window)
PEASANTS: LIBERT! GALIT! CRME BRULE!!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-16
(The PRINCESS gives the PEASANTS a friendly Princess Hand

Wave)
A PEASANT: I LOVE HER! I REALLY LOVE HER! (THE PEASANTS wave
back and dance off)
PRINCESS: Father, youre worried about a little rebellion--which is actually quite
healthy in the natural evolution of a republic.
QUEEN: Whats a REPUBLIC?
(From OFFSTAGE, the PEASANTS sing the first notes of LA
MARSEILLAISE)
PEASANTS (from OFF, sing):
DA-DA-DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA-DA!!
KING: Will somebody please shut that window?
(The PRINCESS does)
PRINCESS: While, more importantly, in our very woods this afternoon,
I witnessed a serious biological phenomenon. A frog spoke to me.
CLAUS: Ein talking frog. Ho! Dats a hot one!
HORTENSE: I think Big Sis needs an exorcism.
CLAUS: Ja. Send her to our cousins in Spain for a little Torture & Rehabilitation.
PRINCESS: Claus, why dont you and Hortense go back to Freiburg-on-theRhine and barrel up some beer?
QUEEN: Clementine, why cant you be more respectful of your brother-in-law?
Hes so marvelous looking.
HORTENSE: Looks arent everything, Mother.
CLAUS: Doctor Freudenstein says its only temporary. STRESS.
QUEEN: Claus, dear, if I might suggest, a concoction of toad tongues and
salamander glands
KING: Ladies, please, might we focus on the issue?! In order that stability is
restored to our kingdom, Clementine must be married as soon as
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-17
possible.
And in accordance with our traditions, as elder married
daughter, Clementine and her Prince will inherit the kingdom.
CLAUS: She and vhat PRINCE?
HORTENSE: But Daddy, I got married first, and you said that Claus and I would
inherit
KING: Circumstances have changed.
PRINCESS: Father, at this moment, I am neither interested in princes nor in
ruling a kingdom.
HORTENSE: See, Daddy, she doesnt even want it.
QUEEN: Of course she doesnt want it now! You defied tradition and ran off and
married Claus.
KING: ENOUGH! End of discussion.
(A ROYAL WEDDING)
KING (Sings):
There will be a royal wedding,
Yes, I hereby do decree:
Well prepare the wedding banquet,
QUEEN:
And the bridal registry!
KING:
To save our troubled kingdom,
And not a day too soon,
You must take yourself a husband
Before the next full moon.
PRINCESS: But Father, thats only ten days from now!
QUEEN (Sings):
Here, at last, a royal wedding!
KING (Spoken):
A son-in-law with
brains!
Bake the cake and roast the grouse!
CLAUS: Und, maybe some beer!
I was denied a royal wedding,
When Hortense eloped with Claus.
HORTENSE: Think of the money you saved.
Ill twine my hair with purple roses,
A stallion I will ride,
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

In a gown thats most befitting
The Mother of the bride.
PRINCESS:
How odd.
KING:
Whats odd?
PRINCESS:
A most unusual phenomenon
not seen before.
Theres to be a royal wedding
KING: Yes?
But wheres the prince
To share the marriage chore?
HORTENSE:
A Prince! Thats true.
QUEEN:
What are we to do?
ALL (except PRINCESS):
Therell be no royal wedding,
With no prince to marry you!
PRINCESS:
And the prince that I will marry
Yes, a wise and gentle man,
Well-acquainted with his Plato
And the Sistine Chapel plan.
A man wholl be my equal
In each and every way.
Hes a master on the cello,
His Italians molto bello.
Solves a problem mathematic,
As we sail the Adriatic.
With a quote from Aristotle
Were made one
on my royal wedding day!
HORTENSE: He sounds as if he has to be as perfect as you.
PRINCESS: Oh, Hortense, Im not perfect.
HORTENSE: Oh, yes, you are, YES, YOU ARE!
PRINCESS: Oh, no, Im not!
1-18
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-19
HORTENSE: Yes, you are! YOU ARE!!

KING: Children, please
PRINCESS: Of course, he will have to be up to my standard. Otherwise, I will
not marry.
QUEEN: Clementine, what are you saying!
KING: It will be impossible to find a prince up to your standards!
CLAUS: Father, if Hortense and I might suggest
HORTENSE (Sings):
Theres another kind of wedding,
CLAUS:
Yes, the quite most perfect yet!
HORTENSE:
And the bride is dressed in linen
By the Abbess Henriette.
CLAUS:
Well have a convent wedding,
The pearl that cant be priced,
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
is our precious elder sister,
PRINCESS:
Me?
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
YOUmade a bride of Christ.
PRINCESS: STOP! All right. If theres to be a wedding, I will be the one to
choose the groom. (SHE sings)
PRINCESS:
We need a test.
ALL:
What sort of test?
PRINCESS:
A most challenging test,
I shall devise
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

To find a prince the equal of me
QUEEN:
The equal of you?
PRINCESS:
--as erudite and wise!
KING:
Yes, a test might do.
But the remaining days are few.
KING and CLAUS:
TEMPUS FUGIT! TEMPUS FUGIT!
KING, QUEEN, CLAUS, HORTENSE:
NOT ANOTHER HOUR TO WASTE!
KING:
And the test must be accomplished
With all due dispatch and haste.
PRINCESS:
A contest for a Princess!
HORTENSE:
All those suitors on display!
QUEEN:
Make it bowling!
CLAUS:
Make it hunting!
KING:
Make it tennis!
HORTENSE:
Make it punting!
PRINCESS:
Name the Kings of ancient Sparta,
Or recite the Magna Carta!
KING and QUEEN:
Will we ever have a wedding?
HORTENSE:
Claus, weve got to stop this wedding!
PRINCESS:
First the test!
KING:
First the test!
ALL:
Then the royal wedding day!
PRINCESS (Spoken): AH! Recite the Cyrillic alphabet!
1-20
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-21
(THE ROYAL CHAMBER fades, as)

Scene 5
(THE PALACE LIBRARY. The PRINCESS enters with notebook &
pencil, pacing in frustration--mentally working out her stumper
questions.
The TAO MASTERS lounge about the library variously reading: a
comic book, doing a crossword puzzle, reading People Magazine,
Mastering French Cooking, a thick volume of Guinness Book of
Records. The MASTERS concentrate on their various readings,
ignoring the PRINCESS)
MASTER WITH CROSSWORD PUZZLE: Whats a ten-letter word for fear of
foreigners?
PRINCESS: XENOPHOBIA.
MASTER WITH COMIC BOOK: Oh, ZENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS! I love
her!
PRINCESS: Really? I dont know her.
ANOTHER MASTER (without looking up): Xena was originally introduced in the
Topps Comic series, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, issues Number
3, 4, and 5.
PRINCESS: Oh, that would make an excellent stumper question, Where was
Xena, the Warrior Princess originally introduced?
ONE MASTER: Better stick with Julia Child and French Cooking.
PRINCESS: French Cooking. Okay. In the presentation of the Classic French
Roasted Chicken, what is the final, crucial step before serving?
ONE MASTER (Without looking up): Drop it on the floor. Then serve it anyway.
(as Julia Child) BON APPETIT!
PRINCESS: THAT definitely wont do. Okay, one more: For the International
Favorite Pastime, who holds the Worlds Record for RBIs in a single
season?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-22
ONE MASTER: MING CHOW RODRIGUEZ, 251, for the New York Yankees, but
that dont happen until 2018 (Twenty-eighteen).
MASTERS ALL: SPOILER!!
PRINCESS: Oh, its no use. Ill never find something difficult enough to stump
them.
ANOTHER MASTER: It will come, Princess.
reveals a tennis racket) Tennis anyone?
In its own time.
(A MASTER
(The MASTERS begin a tennis match in MIME, thwacking the

invisible ball back and forth around the PRINCESS)
MASTERS: THWACK-LOVE! THWACK-LOVE! THWACK-LOVE!
PRINCESS: MASTERS, PLEASE! Time is the one thing I havent got! Oh, dear,
I cant think. My mind is all a muddle!
(The MASTERS instruct the PRINCESS,
PATIENCE)
MASTERS (Sing):
Let muddy waters settle,
Clear a cloudy mind.
Try letting go of anger,
Be a little kind.
To try to force the answer
Would be a great mistake.
Let intuition guide you
To the path you need to take.
One blade of grass,
One struggling pine.
The forest of our grandest dreams
Begins in small design.
PRINCESS: That all sounds fine for you, but you dont have to marry in ten days.
(SHE turns away from the MASTERS.
Simultaneously, AT THE WELL, the FROG appears.
MASTERS move to him)
The
FROG: Masters, you say the Tao is the way to happiness. But how do you get
there?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-23
A MASTER: The Tao will lead the way.

FROG: I hope it gets me there soon, cause Im miserable. Im in love with the
Princess and she only sees me as a biological curiosity!
(The MASTERS instruct the FROG)
MASTERS (Sing):
One falling leaf,
One passing cloud.
The whisper of your deepest need
Will speak out clear and loud.
Patience is an inchworm,
Measuring a mile.
So wait a while.
One foot upon the stair begins the climb.
First the sun
and then the rain,
Then the golden grain,
that blessed golden grain
of harvest time.
(TWO MASTERS lead the PRINCESS to the well)
Harvest time,
(The other THREE MASTERS lead the FROG to the well)
Harvest time.
(The MASTERS place the FROG and the PRINCESS side by side)
MASTERS ALL:
PATIENCE.
(Lastly, a MASTER hangs a painted miniature suspended on a gold chain
about the PRINCESSS neck. The MASTERS VANISH)
Scene 6
(The FROG sits meditating at the well.
The PRINCESS sits in

thought with her notebook and pencil in hand)
PRINCESS: The sum of the squares of the sides of any right triangle--?
FROG (Chanting): is equal to the square of the hypotenuse.
PRINCESS: Yes, the square of the hypotenuse
FROG: Ouch. Youre on my flippers.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-24
PRINCESS: Oh, Frog, Im sorry. I didnt see you sitting there.

FROG: I was afraid youd forgotten all about me.
PRINCESS: Oh, no, not at all. Its just that this rather pressing royal matter has
come up. Ive been racking my brain to come up with a really good
stumper of a test.
FROG: To find a prince.
PRINCESS: Yes, to find aHow did you know?
FROG: I heard it from the Masters.
PRINCESS: The Tao Masters. Really? They do get around.
FROG (Assuming the posture) OM.
PRINCESS: Forgive me, Frog, but I really do have to concentrate.
FROG: Perhaps I could help.
PRINCESS: No, thank you. Im perfectly capable of figuring this out for myself.
FROG: If you say so.
(HE scampers after her, examining her necklace closely)
FROG (Contd): Nice miniature you got there.
PRINCESS (Touching at the miniature around her neck, protectively): Thank you.
Signore Raphael painted it for me. We had an exhibition of his work at the
Palace last summer.
FROG: Looks kind of priceless.
PRINCESS: It is. Excuse me. (SHE steps away.
Another PAUSE. Then)
FROG: Princess, why must there be a test at all? If someone loves you, loves
you with all his heart
PRINCESS: Unfortunately, this is not about love. This is about royal politics
versus my rights as an indepen
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-25
FROG: Independent woman. I can understand that perfectly.

PRINCESS: You can?
FROG: After all, whats the point of being the Princess if you cant live your life
the way you want to live it.
PRINCESS: You certainly have an advanced point of view. Of course, in an
ideal world, wed get to marry
FROG: Wed get to marry the person we love and that would be all there was to
it.
PRINCESS: I only wish Father could see it that way. Perhaps youd better leave
me alone to sort out this test.
FROG: Ill be at the pond--WAITING. (Exits, in a proud strut)
PRINCESS: Now where was I? If Gigis cow gives three pails of milk in threeand-a quarter hours, how many pails can Gigi pail in five hours and 36
minutes
ONE MASTER: Four Court Ladies saunter into the wood.
Scene 7
(The four COURT LADIES [the 2 female Masters, the 2 female
EveryBodys] enter dancing and singing gaily. THEY each
swing a net bowling bag holding a colored ball: one gold, one silver,
and one lead black)
COURT LADIES (Riffing, as they dance):
We go.
We go.
ONE LADY:
Im a Tao girl who knows
That the good life starts to swing
COURT LADIES:
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-26
ONE LADY (Scatting):

A scoodily-wha-da-ding!
COURT LADIES:
PRINCESS: Ladies, you have a strange new way of speaking.
ONE COURT LADY: We like it.
ONE COURT LADY: So MELLOW.
ONE COURT LADY: We were just heading down to the Green for some Lawn
Bowling.
ONE COURT LADY: Why not join us, Princess?
ONE COURT LADY: OH, DO JOIN US, DO!!
PRINCESS: Id like to, Girls, but Im between a rock and a hard place. I have to
come up with a definitive test to find a prince and Im getting nowhere.
(The LADY-IN-WAITING and the two female MASTERS each
removes her bowling bowl from its net bag, holding it out as)
COURT LADIES (reciting, rhythmically):
In times of trial and trouble,
If a lady must decide,
The Taoist maiden lets
Her intuition be her guide.
PRINCESS: Intuition? Intuition is not something I normally rely on. But okay.
What do we have to work with here? (SHE inspects each of the colored
bowling balls that the LADIES are holding)
PRINCESS (Contd): I cant imagine what I could do with three shiny, colored
balls
ONE COURT LADY: Catch, baby!
(The COURT LADY tosses the PRINCESS her mirror-like, gold ball.
SHE catches it, catching her reflection)
PRINCESS: OH! Look, I can see myself in this one.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-27
(The COURT LADIES hold out their shiny silver and black lead
balls to the PRINCESS face)
ONE COURT LADY: And in this one.
ONE COURT LADY: And in this one.
PRINCESS: A princess IN a ball. How funny.
(THREE-BALL MONTE
A COSMIC TONE and the PRINCESS is struck with an idea)
COURT LADIES: BINGO!
PRINCESS (Sings):
One ball of gold,
One silver,
One lead.
Our test is who can tell
Which ball holds
(From around her neck, she presents a small miniature)
My mini-portrait by Signore Raphael.
COURT LADIES: Signore Raphael!!
ONE COURT LADY (Spoken): Boy, it will take some prince to figure that one out!
PRINCESS: Exactly! (Sings):
Three-Ball Monte
Thats what our test will be.
COURT LADIES: Three-Ball Monte?
PRINCESS: Each prince has got one chance
to guess
which ball conceals the MINI-ME.
(the FOUR ZOOT SUITS enter [3 male Masters & the 1 male
EveryBody)
ZOOT SUIT HEPCAT (Spoken): Whoa, Princess girl, gettin a cool prince is
where its at. So, Baby, you got to swing this gig to get a hep cat.
PRINCESS: Ive got to swing this gig?
ZOOT SUIT HEPCAT: Like this(SINGS, swinging it):
Three-Ball Monte!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-28
PRINCESS (Still rather squarely): Oh, I get it

Three-Ball Monte!
ZOOT SUIT HEPCAT: No, Princess, baby girl, you gotta jive it
Three-Ball Monte!
PRINCESS: Right. Jive.
Three-Ball Monte!
ONE ZOOT SUIT: Well-- You in the station, girlfriend--but you aint on the train.
ZOOT SUIT HEPCAT:
Three-Ball Monte!
PRINCESS (Swinging it):
Three-Ball Monte,
Which quality of girl am I?
ZOOT SUITS and LADIES:
Three-Ball Monte!
PRINCESS:
Each suitor only gets one try!
If the wrong balls picked, its Prince, good-bye!
The ball of gold?
The ball of lead?
The ball of silver hue?
Which ball of the precious three
Reflects the inner you?
Three-Ball Monte,
PRINCESS:
Which quality of girl am I?
Three-Ball Monte!
PRINCESS:
Each suitor only gets one try!
PRINCESS (With a gesture of command): ROBELAIRE!
(A ROYAL PAGE [ a male EveryBody] appears, carrying a large cushion)
PRINCESS: Have the Royal Metal Forgers make me three hinged and hollow
balls immediately!!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-29
ROBELAIRE (Dryly): Indeed. IMMEDIATELY. If not sooner.

PRINCESS: And these balls will be our prototypes! (The three lawn bowling balls
are taken away by ROBELAIRE--as the PRINCESS Sings):
Sure to confound,
Sure to confuse,
Oh, balls be my salvation!
ZOOT SUITS and COURT LADIES:
Balls are your salvation, yes,
--and the bachelors consternation!
Its the golden ball!
The silver ball!
The leaden ball theyll choose!
PRINCESS:
If it hasnt got my portrait, Sir
PRINCESS, ZOOT SUITS and LADIES:
Too bad, Prince, you lose!
(HORTENSE and CLAUS enter)
HORTENSE: Oh, Sister, dear, there you are!
CLAUS: Have you devised a test, Sister?
PRINCESS: Each prince must pass THE TEST OF THE THREE BALLS.
CLAUS: What prince has three balls?
PRINCESS: ROBELAIRE?
(THE ROYAL PAGE, ROBELAIRE [EveryMan], re-appears,
carrying a large cushion on which sits the three balls)
ROBELAIRE (Sing):
One ball of gold,
One silver,
One lead.
Our test is who can tell,
Which ball holds
your mini-portrait by Raphael!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-30
HORTENSE: Oh, Sister, what a clever idea. (Aside to CLAUS): Claus, weve got
to rig this test. If she gets her prince, we lose the kingdom.
CLAUS: At least its not that Aristotle or Kings of Sparta stuff.
PRINCESS: Not so easy as you think, Claus. I could easily be inside any of the
three. But only one shiny ball (resumes singing):
Conceals the MINI-ME!
PRINCESS (Sings):
Im the golden girl,
ZOOT SUITS and LADIES: Shes the golden
girl,
No, the silver girl,
ZOOT SUITS and LADIES: No, the silver girl,
No, the girl of leaden charms.
Sir, youve got to guess
the ball Im in
To win a Princess in your arms!
HORTENSE: So, Sister darling, tell us, which ball will it be?
PRINCESS: Im sorry, Hortense, but I must have ABSOLUTE SECRECY.
HORTENSE: Oh, please, please
PRINCESS: ROBELAIRE, THE BLINDFOLD, PLEASE.
(ROBELAIRE presents a silken scarf to the PRINCESS. SHE ties it
about the ROBELAIRES eyes, blindfolding him, as)
ZOOT SUITS & COURT LADIES (Chant):
ROBELAIRE, THE BLINDFOLD, PLEASE,
ROBELAIRE, THE BLINDFOLD, PLEASE,
PRINCESS: Ladies and Gentlemen: MY MINI-PORTRAIT:
(SHE takes the Raphael miniature she wears from around her neck,
holding it up)
Now, EverybodyTURN AROUND.
CLAUS: Okay. We play.
(The entire COMPANY turns their backs to the PRINCESS as the
PAGE stands facing her, hiding her actions.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

The PRINCESS secrets her portrait in one of the three balls, as
HORTENSE takes out a hand mirror holding it above her head,
spying on the action)
PRINCESS: DONE!
HORTENSE & COMPANY: DONE.
ZOOT SUITS and LADIES (Sing):
Three-Ball Monte!
HORTENSE and CLAUS (Conspiring):
We got a clever trick to play!
Three-Ball Monte!
HORTENSE:
Put her in the CONVENT WAY!
PRINCESS:
Its time to set my wedding day.
Married Ill be
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
No, SINGLE shell stay!
Shes got herself a Bridal Plan!
PRINCESS:
Married Ill be,
Im ready to play
THREE BALL MONTE!
PRINCESS (Scatting):
A DODDILY-WAH-DO-DAY!
ZOOT SUITS and LADIES: YEH!!
(MUSIC continues as transition by the male ZOOT SUITS)
ZOOT SUITS:
Thats our Princess!
Shes gonna get her man of choice.
Shes so clever,
that the Nations bound to rejoice!
1-31
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-32
Scene 8
(A ROYAL PRIVATE ROYAL CHAMBER AT THE PALACE. DAY.

The QUEEN and her son-in-law CLAUS stand at the open Grand
Window looking out on three RADICAL GALS [1 Female Master
and 2 female EveryBodys] picketing with signs OCCUPY THE
PALACE!! and OUT WITH THE KRAUT!!)
RADICAL GALS (Protesting): OCCUPY THE PALACE! OCCUPY THE PALACE!
OCCUPY THE PALACE!!
QUEEN: Claus, whatever can they mean? OCCUPY THE PALACE? All the guest
rooms are already taken.
RADICAL GALS: OUT WITH THE KRAUT!! OUT WITH THE KRAUT!!
QUEEN: STOP THAT! STOP THAT, YOU RABBLE!! (to CLAUS) Oh, Claus,
cant you do something?
CLAUS: Ja, Frau Mama. I vill fix. (HE steps boldly, chest out, to the open Grand
Window, facing the RADICAL GALS) PEOPLES!! ACHTUNG!
(CLAUS goes into a screaming German tirade for 10 seconds of
German nonsense--standard German phrases for Customs
inspection)
HIER IST MEIN PASS!
WRDEB SIE MIR BITTE MEINEN PASS
STEMPELN! IN EUROPA WERDE ICH NICHY ARBEITEN! ICH MACHE
EINE FERIENTEISE, ICH BIN AUF GERSCHAFTS REISE HIER! ICH
BIN NUR AUF DER DURCHREISE!!
DAS IST VERBOTEN,
GESUNDHEIT!!
(THE RADICAL GALS are stunned into SILENCE. ONE MASTER,
in the guise of a University Professor steps out at the side)
PROFESSOR MASTER: TRANSLATION (Quickly) Here is my passport. Would
you please stamp my passport? I will not be working in Europe. I am
traveling on vacation. Im just passing through. That is forbidden, God
Bless You!!
(THE RADICAL GALS scream in panic and run off)
RADICAL GALS: AARRRGGGGHHHHH!! (Exiting)
QUEEN: Oh, Claus, I love it when you are so authoritative!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-33
CLAUS: Anything for you, Mama. (HE gives her a peck on the cheek)
QUEEN: Oh, you STRUDEL, you!
(The PRINCESS enters with pencil & clipboard, quite business-like)
PRINCESS: Hello, Mother. Hello, Claus. Ive made the assignments for the
preliminary interviews for the Test.
CLAUS: JA! THE TEST OF THE THREE BALLS!
PRINCESS: With such a massive turnout, Ive had to delegate responsibilities. I
cant possible handle all of this myself. HORTENSE, ARE YOU WITH
ME?
(HORTENSE rushes in)
HORTENSE: Sorry! Right here, Sister dear.
Beefcake waiting at the gates.
Weve got quite a hunk of
CLAUS: Whos hungry?

PRINCESS: Are we all here? Wheres Father?
(The KING enters, distraught)
KING: Margot, the peasants are tearing stones from the castle walls!
QUEEN: Everybodys a critic!
CLAUS and HORTENSE: ALL HERE.
PRINCESS: ALL PRESENT. Lets check off my list. Ive organized a series of
pre-screening interviews to eliminate the unsuitable candidates. Mother?
QUEEN: Yes, dear?
PRINCESS: You will check on BLOODLINES and PROPERTY.
QUEEN: Got it. BLOODLINES and PROPERTY.
PRINCESS (Checking off her list) CHECK. Father, you are to inquire with the
local and regional Bailiffs for POSSIBLE CRIMINAL RECORDS.
KING: Does that include JUMPING BRIDGE TOLLS or PARKING YOUR STEED
IN A DISABLED HORSE ZONE?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-34
PRINCESS: PARKING IN A DISABLED HORSE ZONE. Definitely, CHECK.

(SHE checks her list) For Hortense and Claus, Ive assigned HEALTH &
FITNESS HISTORY.
HORTENSE: Good. Well do shoe-size.
PRINCESS: Shoe-size? Thats not on my list. Why shoe-size?
QUEEN: Leave it to your Sister, dear.
HORTENSE: All finalists must be size 14, Triple E. At least.
QUEEN (Stumbling back, faintly): Oh, my goodness!
CLAUS: I vil MEASURE!
PRINCESS (writing on her list): All right--CHECK: Hortense and Claus, SHOESIZE. If all goes according to plan, I should have my Prince by nineteenhundred hours tomorrow, at the latest.
HORTENSE and CLAUS (wickedly): JA. At the latest.
PRINCESS: In the meantime, in preparation for the wedding night, I will be in the
library continuing my study of Professor Von Shtuppen-Guts celebrated
sex manual, BIRDS, BEES, AND BI-PEDS.
HORTENSE: Sis, you wont be needing a manual, trust me.
QUEEN: Quiet, Hortense. You know your sister likes to do everything by the
book.
PRINCESS: Thank you, Mother. When I do it, I DO IT RIGHT.
QUEEN, KING, CLAUS: RIGHT!!
PRINCESS: EVERYONE--TO YOUR STATIONS! (SHE hands off her clipboard
to CLAUS)
QUEEN, KING, CLAUS: TO OUR STATIONS!
(The QUEEN, KING, and CLAUS march off in formation.
HORTENSE remains)
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-35
Scene 9
PRINCESS: Something wrong, Hortense? You have a question?

HORTENSE: If I might offer some advice, dear Sister.
PRINCESS: Certainly. (Pause) About what?
HORTENSE: About this sex manual business for the wedding night.
PRINCESS: I dont have the experience in that department that you do. Ill need
to get the mechanics correct: Amount of time designated for proper
foreplay, checking body temperature and heart-rate, degree of excitations
of the required members, optimal elevation of the pelvic girdle-HORTENSE: Why not forget all that textbook stuff and just have some fun?
PRINCESS: FUN? Professor Von Shtuppen-Gut doesnt say anything about
FUN: A successful union requires analysis and technical precision.
HORTENSE: Oh, pooh! Its all about fun and games, Sister. Pleasure for you
and your Prince. Why not be creative? Spice things up a bit.
PRINCESS: SPICE THINGS UP? I dont think the Professor has a chapter on
that.
(HORTENSE sings,
TIPS FOR THE MARRIED PRINCESS)
HORTENSE (Easy, with a beat):
A1
It starts with a walk,
A come-hither look,
Grind him some pepper
to make your man cook.
(A grinding hip roll, the PRINCESS follows)
Your tables ample,
Lots to sample,
Dab some jam on your blintzes.
PRINCESS: Which are my blintzes?
(HORTENSE points to the PRINCESSS breasts)
THOSE.
PRINCESS: OH! (covers her breasts with her hands)
Tips for the Married Princess.
A2
You give him a kiss,
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

You give him a slap,
Do him a wiggletype dance in his lap.
Youve got to train him,
Then restrain him,
Handcuffs and Whips!
PRINCESS: Oh, my!
HORTENSE & PRINCESS (Sing):
Tips for the Married Princess!
PRINCESS (Sings):
B
So many skills Ive got to acquire,
If Im gonna please my Man.
HORTENSE:
Youve got the tools, some hot wax and wire,
BOTH:
A sure-fire seduction plan!
YEH!
HORTENSE:
A3
Some gentlemen like
a bit of a kink.
Dress him in diapers,
PRINCESS: All frilly and pink!
Ive got to train him,
Then restrain him,
Pleasure him til he winces!
HORTENSE: Fast learner.
BOTH: Tips for the Married Princess!
(INTERLUDE with a new C musical section)
HORTENSE (Speaking): Time to bring on my Boys for some visual aids.
PRINCESS: Boys? I didnt know you had Boys.
(HORTENSE whistles-the BOYS [two male EveryBodys] enter, bare-chested in
speedos, like Broadway Bares dancers)
PRINCESS: OH. BOYS.
BOYS (Sing):
C
To win your Apollo
A bride ought to follow
this Sisterly Guide-FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr
1-36
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-37
HORTENSE (Sings):
My Sisterly Guide!
For the good of the Kingdom--
BOYS:
Close your eyes,
Open wide!
PRINCESS:
OPEN WIDE!
(SHE throw her arms wide)
HORTENSE (to the BOYS): Boys, assume the position.
(The BOYS go down to all fours)
HORTENSE: MOUNT.
PRINCESS: MOUNT.
(HORTENSE and PRINCESS mount the backs of the BOYS)
HORTENSE (Sings):
A4
You straddle your steed,
Show him what youve got,
PRINCESS: What Ive got!
Smacking his rumpie,
We go for a trot.
BOYS: THATS HOT.
PRINCESS:
Im gonna rein him!
Entertain him!
Make horsey ride,
PRINCESS and HORTENSE:
RIDE, HORSEY, RIDE!
(Cropping wildly)
WHOP! WHOP! WHOP!
HORTENSE:
A good paddle convinces,
BOYS: DONT STOP!!
ALL: TIPS FOR THE MARRIED PRINCESS.
PRINCESS:
B
So many new and useful positions
to keep my gentleman engaged.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

HORTENSE:
And with some lights and costumes and make-up,
PRINCESS:
My Love-Show can go fully-staged!
BOYS:
BROADWAY!!
(PRINCESS now works with the BOYS)
PRINCESS:
A5
I give him a kiss,
I give a slap,
Do him a wiggletype dance in his lap.
Ive got it, flaunt it!
Make him want it!
BOYS: Handcuffs and Whips!
A paddle convinces, he strips!
BOYS: STRIP! (The BOYS strip to a G-strap)
Tips for the Married Princess!
HORTENSE: Put it all together, SIS!
[D CODA pile-up and out]
PRINCESS (Sings):
Jam on my blintzes,
HORTENSE and BOYS: YOUR BLINTZES!
Pleasure him til he winces,
BOYS: DONT STOP!
A squeeze to his quinces, he flips!
HORTENSE & BOYS: HE FLIPS!
(BOYS do a back flip)
Tips for the Married-PRINCESS and HORTENSE:
My techniques so varied!
BOYS: TOUCH AND PARRIED!!
ALL:
THATS TIPS FOR THE MARRIED-PRINCESS and HORTENSE:
TO HEAVEN WERE CARRIED!
ALL:
TIPS FOR THE MARRIED PRINCESS!!
PRINCESS: Okay, Ive got it. STAND BACK.
(The PRINCESS performs a wild assemblage of the tips)
1-38
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-39
PRINCESS (like a Cowgirl): WHA-HOOOO!!

around the stage, waving her arms.
WHA-HOOO!! (galloping wildly
The Boys FREEZE. THEY look at each other--SCREAM and run

out)
PRINCESS: Oh, dear. I must have got it wrong.
HORTENSE: Its take practice. Relax, Sis, loosen up. Ill take it from here.
PRINCESS: Right. You and Claus, SHOE-SIZE.
HORTENSE: Right. Me and Claus, SHOE-SIZE.
PRINCESS: Ill be in my room practicing. Ive got to be ready for Fun & Games
on my wedding night. (as SHE exits provocatively, singing)
It starts with a walk,
A come-hither look...
(Exiting)
HORTENSE: THAT, dear Sister, WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
CONTEST. CLAUS, BRING ON THE SUITORS!
Time to RIG THIS
Scene 10
(A JUGGLING MASTER enters juggling three balls--a gold, a lead,
a silver as-CLAUS, holding aloft a golden measuring rod, leads on a line of the
four MASTERS in princely hats and wearing over-sized clown
shoes as BIG-SHOED PRINCES.
A pantomime of CLAUS
measuring the BIG-SHOES as the JUGGLER MASTER narrates)
JUGGLING MASTER (juggling, to the AUDIENCE): For the next five days, a
steady stream of Princely Suitors, all--at least--size 14s, triple E, are
admitted to the Palace to take the Test.
(HORTENSE dances erotically from Prince to Prince, whispering in
EACH of THEIR ears)
JUGGLING MASTER (Contd): Strangely, they all fail the Test after their private
interview session with the Duchess Hortense.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-40
(HORTENSE blows a kiss in farewell and SHE and CLAUS dance

gleefully OFF in triumph)
BIG-SHOED PRINCES: AYE! THE WRONG BALL!! CONJONES!! (THEY exit
dejectedly as-the PRINCESS enters, depressed, carrying her empty ball basket)
PRINCESS: This is not going well.
Games Night.
At this rate, Ill never get to Fun n
(The JUGGLING MASTER drops his three juggling balls into her
basket)
JUGGLING MASTER: Princess, maybe you should try a Prince with a
smaller shoe. (HE exits.
THREE-BALL MONTE Reprise)
PRINCESS (Sing):
Three-Ball Monte!
Oh, bring a perfect prince to me!
Balls, please work your magic
Save me from the nunnery!
(The PRINCESS takes her basket and travels to--)
Scene 11
(The WELL IN THE WOODS. The PRINCESS enters with her
basket of balls. The FROG sits at the well in meditation, eyes
closed. SHE steps on him)
FROG: Ouch. Flipper.
PRINCESS: Oh, Frog, Im sorry! Im interrupting your meditation.
FROG: Not at all. So hows it going? Did you find that test for a Prince?
PRINCESS: Yes. Its The Test of the Three Balls.
FROG: Three balls? What Prince has three-PRINCESS: Stop. Weve already had that joke.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-41
FROG: It sounds kind of tricky.

PRINCESS: It is. It involves (showing her basket of balls), a ball of gold, a ball
of lead, and a ball of silver. I cant tell you any more than that.
FROG: Okay. No problem. So hows it going?
PRINCESS: Its been a total disaster so far. Five days gone, a hundred and fifty
candidate, and nothing. Ive only got five days left to find a Prince.
FROG: No pressure.
PRINCESS: If theres no Prince, Father will be sending me to join the Abbess
Henriette and her Elder Sisters of Perpetual Misery.
FROG: May I ask you a question?
PRINCESS: I suppose.
FROG: This prince what would he have to be like, if you found him?
PRINCESS: Well, for starters, he wouldnt be any ordinary, good-looking prince
with whom I fall hopelessly, romantically, head-over-heals in love. That
never works. No, my prince has got to be extraordinary and my equal in
every way. You see, Frog, I want to be engaged in all parts of my mind,
body, and soul by an intellect with whom I can explore the uncharted
territory of human happiness.
FROG: That certainly is a tall order. So what happens next?
PRINCESS: I immediately pack my bags and leave the palace forever to come
to live here in the woods with my perfect scholar-lover-prince-husband in
our two-story cottage done in the Florentine-style with a really first-rate
library and an attached laboratory.
FROG: Just the two of you, then: you and the prince.
PRINCESS: Thats right. Simple. As the Tao Te Ching says
FROG: The simplest pattern is the clearest.
PRINCESS: Yes, the simplest (PAUSE. SHE looks at him): I dont know why I
didnt see this before.
FROG: See what?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-42
PRINCESS: Youre not just a frog.

FROG: Im not?
PRINCESS: No. This is highly unscientific thinking, butyoure a prince.
FROG: Im a prince?
PRINCESS: But one that is under an evil spell.
FROG: Scary.
PRINCESS: Perhaps we need to employ the traditional folk remedy.
FROG: Which would be?
PRINCESS: Frog, I am going to kiss you. Once. On the lips.
FROG: Amazing.
PRINCESS: Just dont do anything weird with that tongue of yours.
FROG: Of course not.
PRINCESS: This is to be the traditional folk magic that turns you back into a
prince. Hold still.
(SHE kisses him on the lips. Seconds pass. Without removing his
lips entirely from hers, the FROG speaks)
FROG: How much longer?
PRINCESS: A few more seconds. Until the magic kicks in.
FROG: Sure thing.
(SHE breaks the kiss)
PRINCESS: No. Obviously a false hypothesis. (SHE steps away.
The FROG follows her, eager for another kiss)
PRINCESS (Contd): But I must say, youre not making much of an effort.
FROG: If youll excuse my saying so, Princess, sometimes a talking frog is just a
talking frog.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

PRINCESS: That is the WRONG attitude.
(IF YOU THINK YOURE A FROG)
PRINCESS: (sings):
If you think youre a frog,
Youre a frog.
Contented to sit like a lump on a log.
If you think youre a frog,
It follows logically
A frog is all youll ever be.
FROG: But I am a frog.
PRINCESS:
If you want to have more
Than youve had-Stop lazing away on that ol lily pad!
If you think youre a prince,
It follows magically
a prince is what youre sure to be.
FROG: Sure to be!
PRINCESS:
As my prince
Youll be fluent in Latin and Greek!
Its a poem by Dante whenever you speak!
Youll be expert as well on the violin-FROG: But to hold a violin, Id need a chin.
PRINCESS (Spoken): Think positive! (Sings)
Youre a prince.
FROG: Im a prince!
The menu tonight, caviar, jam of quince!
It follows magically
PRINCESS and FROG:
A PRINCE IS WHAT YOURE (IM) SURE TO BE!
PRINCESS:
Matter-of-factly, exactly, you see
If you think youre just a frog,
Youre clearly not the frog for me.
1-43
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-44
(Dialogue interlude)
FROG: I dont know about this. But what I do know is I love you!
PRINCESS: Love me? (SHE laughs, taking the golden ball out of her basket)
Ho! Its really too absurd--a frog in love with a princess, oh, my
goodness--- (SHE laughs again, playfully tossing her golden ball about) I
never heard of anything so
(A MASTER appears and catches her golden ball mid-air, dropping
it down the well)
PRINCESS: Oh, no, there goes my ball, my precious golden ball down the
well--!
(A second MASTER appears and sets a chain of heavy bling
about the FROGs neck; as a third MASTER puts a rapper cap on
the FROGS head; a fourth Master pulls the Frogs pants down
below the hips, rapper-style)
FROG: No problem. Ill get your ball. But theres a deal.
PRINCESS: A deal?
FROG: If I get your ball, I get to be your special friend.
PRINCESS: Special friend?
FROG: Oh, yeh (rhythmic rapper speech):
I get to sit with you in royal state,
And nibble sweetmeats off your golden plate.
Then when the hour grows late,
Were snugglin cozy in your bed
While you kiss and stroke my froggie head.
(The MASTERS quickly remove the FROGS rapper cap & chain of
bling, pulling up his pants. THEY VANISH)
PRINCESS: Your froggie head? Excuse me, Frog, but the arrangement sounds
a wee bit strange.
FROG: Hold on, Princess Hows it go? (Sings)
If I think Im a prince,
Im a prince.
PRINCESS (Spoken): Youre a frog.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-45
PRINCESS (Sings):
If I wanted a pet sir, Id get me a dog.
FROG: If I think Im a frog,
It follows tragically
A frog is all Ill ever be.
PRINCESS: Thats true.
FROG:
We agree.
BOTH:
INDUBITABLY,
FROG:
If I think Im a prince,
PRINCESS:
FROG:
then a prince is what Im
PRINCESS:
What youre
BOTH:
GONNA BE!!
FROG (Spoken): Deal?
PRINCESS: Deal.
FROG: NOW FOR THAT BALL!
(HE dives into the well SPLASH!!)
Scene 12
PRINCESS: Nibbling from my plate, yuck, and snuggling cozy in my bed? Oh,
dear, what have I done?
(THE PROMISE)
PRINCESS (Sings):
Its ridiculous!
Absurd!
The situation has gotten completely out-of-hand!
Im a princess with a problem,
Things are not going as I planned.
When must a princess
Keep her promise?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-46
Surely not when made

Under such duress!
This desperate situation,
No fault of mine, I must confess.
Well--More or less.
This is a royal crisis, after all.
--I must have back my precious golden ball!
(The FROG re-appears at the top of the well, gasping for breath)
FROG (Sings):
I made a promise,
Sacred promise!
Pledging Im the one
Who can get it done.
Dont know how deep its buried,
A daunting dive, I must admit.
Ill conquer it,
To win my darling princess, thats my call!
--I will bring back her precious golden ball!
MALE MASTERS: THE FROG DIVES DEEPER INTO THE WELL.
(The FROG performs a graceful underwater ballet as he attempts
to retrieve the golden ball. This ballet might be performed with the
lifting, the diving, etc--done with the physical assistance of the
MASTERS)
MALE MASTER ONE: After several failed attempts,
MALE MASTER TWO: The Frog raises the Princesss golden ball on to his nose,
MALE MASTER THREE: --rising higher and higher up the well.
MALE MASTER TWO: The golden ball pops up-MASTERS ALL: PLOP!! (THEY VANISH)
PRINCESS: OhLord! My ball!
FROG: There you go, Princess. One ball. It was just a little heavier than I
thought.
PRINCESS: Well, it is gold. Im just so glad to have my ball back. Bye, now.
FROG: Hold on, Princess. What about our deal?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-47
PRINCESS: A deal? Oh, that. Something about visiting me at the palace

sometime and having a little supper and an overnight. Fine. I just have to
get home and check my calendar and Ill let you know when I have an
evening free. Good day, Frog.
FROG: Youre breaking your promise.
PRINCESS: Nobodys breaking anything. We didnt say it had to be today, did
we? Excuse me. (SHE picks up her golden ball & basket, starting to exit)
FROG: But, Princess, wait! Youre supposed to carry me back to the palace!
PRINCESS: THAT, Sir Frog, is the first Ive heard of THAT!! (SHE exits grandly)
FROG (Hop-stepping after her): PRINCESS! PRINCESS, WAIT! WAIT FOR
ME!
(Enter FOUR Lady Frogs, LILY and the FROGZELLES [two female
Masters and two female EveryBodys])
LILY: Not so fast, lover boy. Weve got a fly to chew with you.
FROG: Afternoon, Madame Lily.
LILY: Dont Madame Lily, me!
ONE FROGZELLE: Stop messin with that princess and get your bony behind
back to the lily pond.
FROG: Forgive me, Ladies, I had to get her golden ball.
ONE FROGZELLE: Yeh, yeh, we know all about it(as weepy Princess) Oh,
my ball, my precious ball, oh, please, oh, please, somebody get my
ball! (as herself) Crabgrass. If she was a frog like us, she could get her
own damn ball! I could CROAK.
ONE FROGZELLE: CROAK.
FROG: Since Ive met the Princess, Im afraid that things inside of me are
changing. I intend to be her PRINCE.
LILY: Hold on there, Jack. Your Princess wants herself a real man. Not a short,
fat, cold, slimy, no-neck thing with a pot belly and a bony butt. And she
cant give you what we can, can she, girls?
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-48
FROGZELLES ALL: UN-UN. TRUE DAT!

LILY: Cmon, Girls. HERE WE GO-- (Sings,
FROGGIE OUGHTA DO!)
FROGZELLES (Lively, with a R & B beat):
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
FROGGIE GOTTA DO HIS JOB!!
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
Froggie gotta do,
what he oughta do!
FROGGIE GOTTA DO HIS JOB!!
LILY:
Lover boy, get wise!
Open up your goggle eyes,
Feast upon this supreme beauty,
Froggie-- Time to do yo duty!
Froggie, lets begin,
We are pure amphibian!
Species are for propagatin,
Lets get down and do some matin!
LILY and FROGZELLES (Various solos):
Im slick,
Im choice.
Im green.
Im moist,
We drive the other bullfrogs wild.
Whats up, Brotha Child, with you?
Better do like Mama Nature tells you to!
LILY:
Froggie, do it right!
Wanna blow some eggs tonight!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-49
Spring n Summer, we been missin,

Yo brand of hot lips kissin!
[CODA]
So before those wintry winds do blow,
Cmon, big boy,
FROGZELLES:
(Echo) Cmon, big boy!
Snuggle up,
FROGZELLES:
(Echo) Snuggle, snuggle up!
And sauce my froggie roe!
LILY and FROGZELLES:
SAUCE MY FROGGIE ROE!!
[UNDERSCORING CONTINUES]
FROG: Im sorry, Ladies. I dont mean to offend. Youre all very attractive.
ONE FROGZELLE: Now, youre talkin, Jack.
ONE FROGZELLE: Theres a full moon over the mud pond tonight. Cmon, lets
wallow!
FROG: But you dont understand-- the Princess and me-[THE MUSIC STOPS]
ONE FROGZELLE (Cutting him off):
crap!
Dont give us anymore of that princess
LILY (Contd to FROG): Listen, Lover, I may not have a golden ball, but check
out this jelly roll(SHE and the FROGZELLES do a hip roll) Ooo-WHEE!!
FROGZELLES ALL: Ooo-WHEE!!
(LILY and her FROGZELLES begin to DANCE provocatively,
seducing the FROG.
The FROGS eyes glaze over, his limbs begin to shake
uncontrollably, as INSTINCT kicks in)
FROG (Sings):
Froggie gonna do,
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-50
what he gotta do!

Froggie gonna do,
what he gotta do!
Froggie gonna do,
what he gotta do!
Froggie gonna do his job!
(Five male frogs, the FROGBOYZ [3 male Masters, 2 male
EveryBodys], enter, joining the party)
FROG:
Im slick!
Im choice!
Im green!
Im moist,
I drive these froggie divas wild!
LILY:
So let your froggie nature rise,
Short n squat is just my size!
(DANCE: The FROG CLUBBING begins in a wild dance.
FROG is about to couple with the Females, when-Suddenly, the FROG comes to himself, STOPS)
FROG: STOP! -- STOP! STOP!! (He scrambles away from THEM)
LILY and FROGZELLES: WHAT?
FROG (Sings):
But I really love her!
FROGZELLES (Singing, echoing him, mocking him):
He really loves her!
LILY: You got dat the wrong way round. (Sings intensely):
Youre gonna love ME!
FROGZELLES (Piling on):
LILY: Yes, you is!
The
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-51

FROGZELLES (Piling on):
OH, YES, YOU IS!
YOURE GONNA, GONNA, GONNA LOVE--!!
(The FROG jumps down the well, disappearing. A stunned PAUSE.
Then--)
ONE FROGZELLE: HE GONE.
(LILY looks down the well)
LILY: HEY, YOU-- GOGGLE EYES! You comin out of there to do your business,
or what? This is your last chance. You comin with us, or not?
FROG (from deep in the well, ECHOING): NOT. NOT. NOT.
ONE FROGZELLE: He is SO sick!
LILY: Youre not a frog, youre a FREAK! Dont try comin back to the frog pond
EVER. You are OUT OF THE COMMUNITY, JACK. PRINCE! MY
WEBBED FOOT! Cmon, girls, I know a horny toad just down the road.
(SHE and the FROGZELLES exit, singing)
Froggie couldn't do
what he oughta do!
Froggie couldn't do,
what he oughta do!
Froggie couldn't do,
what he oughta do!
FROGGIE COULDN'T DO HIS JOB!!
(The Frog Ladies hoot in triumph.
As THEY exit, the two MASTER FROGZELLES assume a Taoist
pose)
TWO MASTER FROGZELLES: DONE--DO-WAH!!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-52
(A CROSS-OVER: In a HALLWAY of the PALACE, the KING and

QUEEN enter wearing workgloves and carrying rake, bucket, and
shovel. The KING leading)
QUEEN: Oh, Frederick-- Clementines test has been a total failure. One
hundred-and fifty suitors, and theyre all losers! And poor Hortense is
exhausted.
KING: Calm yourself, Margot. We must be patient.
QUEEN: There must be a prince out there somewhere!
KING: For all our sakes, I hope so. Come along, dearest. We have to drain and
rake the moat. The wise King knows his Peoples labors. This is the
new TAO WAY.
QUEEN: Oh, this TAO WAY! Its such hard work, Frederic!
KING: It is, indeed, my love. But doing wonders for your figure. TO THE MOAT!
QUEEN: YES!! TO THE MOAT!
(THEY exit with new enthusiasm, the QUEEN leading as--)
Scene 13
(THE WELL IN THE WOODS.
HORTENSE enters, calling for the PRINCESS)
HORTENSE: CLEM-IN-TINE! OH, HO, CLEM-IN-TINE! WHERE ARE
YOU? WE NEED YOU AND YOUR BALLS BACK AT THE PA-LACE!
(The FROG re-appears cautiously up out of the well)
HORTENSE (Contd, shrieks): CLEMENTINE!!
FROG: She went home to check her calendar.
HORTENSE (Stunned): WHAT? OH. MY. The talking frog.
FROG: But not for much longer, Your Ladyship.
HORTENSE (Protesting): Oh, no, no-- its so thrilling to finally meet you. The
Famous Talking Frog, sitting right here at my sisters private well!
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-53
FROG: A lot of good its done me.

HORTENSE: I think my little froggie friend is troubled. (SHE sits down on the
well next to him) Tell Hortense all about it.
FROG: All I can think about is getting to the palace and taking that test for the
Princesss hand.
HORTENSE: Hold on. You want to marry my sister, the Princess?
FROG: With all my heart. I love her so very much, Hortense. But it would
probably take me six to eight weeks to hop to the palace and by then
shed be married to that scholar-lover-prince-husband shes always talking
about.
HORTENSE: Yes, she might. But if we got you to the palace, youd get the jump
on any ol prince and my sister could become Mrs. Frog.
FROG: You think so?
HORTENSE: Sir Frog, I think we can make a deal.
FROG: No deals. Ive had enough of deals.
HORTENSE: Right. Okay. Heres the deal. We put on a big Charity Benefit at
the palace for PEASANTS RELIEF.
FROG: Gee, Hortense, helping the Peasants is all fine and good, but where
does it get me with the Princess?
HORTENSE: Think about it. A fabulous court entertainment starring you, THE
TALKING FROG. Im a bit of an actress myself. Sir Frog, everybody
loves a musical show!
FROG: You mean, a show with fabulous sets, costumes, songs, dances, and a
great love story?
HORTENSE: Exactly. Then my sister will see what an amazing fellow you are
and forget all about this Prince stuff. And Mumsie and Daddsie, the
Queen and the King, will want you to be their Son-in-Law!
FROG: Gosh. That would be pretty amazing.
HORTENSE: Yes, it would. Give Hortense that big adorable, froggie smile.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-54
(The FROG smiles broadly, then)

FROG: No, no, it wont work. Id better stay where I am.
HORTENSE: YOU DONT MEAN THAT.
FROG: Why cant you people accept me for what I am? I am a FROG!
HORTENSE: You cant dupe a Duchess, dear.
(TALENTS TO TAP)
HORTENSE (Sings):
You got style,
A fabulous grin ear-to-ear.
The folks at the Palace will cheer
To see us do our stuff!
Try a slap.
Now add in a flippity-flap,
Its certain with talents for tappin
That good things start happenin
Up with the curtain!
Once, I was floppin,
The gal always gettin the hook.
Now, Im headlinin
Since I met my better-halfLook!
Were a team!
Incomparable Frog and Hortense!
One combo with talents immense!
Never doubt, brother, thats you and me,
Boy, just hear em clap
When we tap!
We can tap!
FROG: Okay-- So kinda like this-- (HE flaps about wildly)
HORTENSE: Thats it, darling Frog, youve got it! Youve got it! Give em that
ol flipper and wing!
FROG:
(Frog counts 5 6 7 - )
Its a snap,
I mastered the flippity-flap.
Im shinin my talents for tappin
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-55
and good things are happenin

Once, I was stuck in
the bog, just a frog, yessiree.
HORTENSE:
Youll be the rage of
The stagewhat a prince you can be!
FROG (Spoken): A prince I will be!
FROG and HORTENSE:
Here we go
HORTENSE:
Im Ginger!
FROG:
And Im Frog Astaire!
HORTENSE:
Together were dancing on air,
FROG:
Never doubt, sister, what we can be!
FROG and HORTENSE:
When we tap!
We can tap!
(HORTENSE and the FROG improvise a tap routine, dancing
happily about, when CLAUS comes rushing in)
CLAUS: Mein Gott! Ein tap-dancing frog!
FROG: Hortense is going to get me to the palace!
HORTENSE: Claus, this Frog wants to get to the palace so he can marry our
Princess.
CLAUS: She marries a frog?
FROG: Yep. THATS ME.
HORTENSE (aside to CLAUS): Claus, according to Paragraph Seven, Section
A of the Royal Charter, if my sister marries a frog we get the Kingdom!
CLAUS: PERFECT. (To FROG) Im really happy for you, Froggie. But I was
hoping it could be the three of us!
FROG: Im really sorry, Claus, I dont think youre what were looking for.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-56
CLAUS (Sings):
Heres a slap.
I toss in a flippity-flap,
These toesies got talents for tappin,
And changes are happenin!
Scrapin and Bowin,
This guy always playin the toad.
No sycophantin,
From now on, Im hittin the road!
FROG:
Hes got class!
A trio of you, me and Claus!
HORTENSE:
Incredible! We pack the house!
Never doubt, Liebchen, thats you and me,
CLAUS:
When we tap!
(CLAUS steps on the FROGS toes)
FROG: OUCH.
CLAUS: Scheisse! (Sh--zah!)
CLAUS, FROG, HORTENSE:
We can tap.
We can tap!
(Underscoring the following comic vaudeville patter)
1st patter:
CLAUS: Guten Tag, Frulein!
HORTENSE: Guten Tag, Herr Prince!
CLAUS: Do you remember when I first courted you, we took a stroll into the
woods to picks flowers?
HORTENSE: Of course I do. My sister followed us and we HAD to pick flowers!
2nd patter:
FROG: What ho, Your Majesty!
CLAUS: Sir Prince, I understand you are here to claim the Princesss hand.
HORTENSE (Extending her hand): Enchanted, Prince, Im sure.
FROG: Oh, no, Your Majesty, I dont want her HAND.
FROG KISS. ACT ONE

CLAUS and HORTENSE: YOU DONT?
FROG: No. I want the WHOLE PRINCESS.
(THEY resume singing at the last line of the 2nd A)
ALL (Sing):
--and THATS JUST FOR STARTERS!
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
Once, you were stuck in
The bog, just a frog, yessiree.
FROG:
Now Im the rage of
The stagewhat a prince! Look at me!
HORTENSE and CLAUS (Spoken): LOOK AT YOU!!
(Enter the Five tap-dancing MASTERS and the PEASANTS
[Four EveryBodys] joining in for the TAP PRODUCTION
NUMBER.
Then, continuing)
HORTENSE, CLAUS, FROG, MASTERS, PEASANTS:
Here we go,
Two heroes and one heroine!
Together were more than weve been,
Never doubt, brother, what we can be!
HORTENSE, CLAUS, and FROG:
For the sum of us makes more than three!
HORTENSE:
Thats meinen Herr,
CLAUS:
meine Frau,
FROG:
and das ME!
ALL:
Stand aside, were headin straight for the palace,
FROG:
Soon Im sippin from her gold chalice!
ALL:
Soon youll see,
H, C, F:--with honors theyll laud us,
Were a team
1-57
FROG KISS. ACT ONE
1-58
H, C, F:--theyre sure to applaud us!
CLAUS (Spoken): Prince, hop into my cap!

ALL (Astonished):
WHAT TALENTS TO TAP!!
FROG, HORTENSE, CLAUS, and COMPANY: TO THE PALACE!!!!
CURTAIN, ACT ONE.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-1
ACT II
ENTRACTE
(The Grand Assembly Hall of the Palace.
A Charity/Benefit
Performance is in progress.
A large spangled banner reads
PEASANTS RELIEF!
Courtiers and Peasants partner in a
competitive dance pantomime--a sort of comic Dancing with the
Peasants! At the finish, Clementine awards the dance trophy--the
PEASANTS dance off happily with their trophy. Segue to--
Scene 1
(A PRINCESS, A BALL, AND A FROG
A curtain rises on a small inner stage. The TAO MASTERS are
revealed in Tao-symbol black berets and goatees, sitting crosslegged at one side, playing simple instrumentslike a 50s hip-jazz
combo)
ONE MASTER: And now, Your Majesties, for the benefit of all you Cats, we so
reverently present-- a Chinese woodland with a well!
ANOTHER MASTER: Our Duchess Hortense, as a Chinese princess, appears.
(HORTENSE enters, bows, and speaks a phrase of Chinese)
ONE MASTER: A PRINCESS, A BALL, AND A FROG.
HORTENSE (Sings):
There was a princess
In a far away land.
A Chinese princess
With a Taoist band.
MASTERS:
Were the Taoist band!
HORTENSE:
A beautiful princess
And smart she was too.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

MASTERS:
As smart and pretty as can be.
HORTENSE:
Thats me.
Im the Princess.
(HORTENSE, from behind her back, brings out a golden ball)
HORTENSE:
She had a ball.
MASTERS:
Wow. A golden ball!
HORTENSE:
And as long as I hold my golden ball,
Ill have everything, just the way I please.
QUEEN: What do you think she means, Clementine?
PRINCESS: I havent the froggiest--I mean, the foggiest, Mother.
MASTERS:
She tossed it high,
(HORTENSE tosses the golden ball about)
HORTENSE:
I tossed it high!
MASTERS:
And she tossed it low,
HORTENSE:
And I tossed it low!
HORTENSE and MASTERS:
Hi-dee, Hi-dee, Hi!
Lo-dee, Lo-dee,-Lo!
Hi-dee, Hi-dee,, Hi!
MASTERS:
And before you know
That golden ball went plopker-plunk.
2-2
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-3
Deep in a well that ball had sunk!

Youre sunk!
HORTENSE:
Im sunk!
Ive lost my ball,
What shall I do?
Boo-hoo!
Boo-hoo!
MASTERS:
Boo-hoo!
Boo-hoo!
MASTER ONE:
When out of that well,
MASTER TWO:
There did poke,
MASTER THREE:
No joke
MASTER FOUR:
A frog that spoke!
(CLAUS appears out of the well, masked and costumed as a
FROG)
CLAUS:
I hate to see a Princess cry,
May I be of help to you?
HORTENSE: How strange. A talking frog. Oh, what can an old frog do? Ha!
Ha!
CLAUS: I can dive into this well, bring back your ball.
HORTENSE: Youd do that for me?
CLAUS: Ill get your ball, but because you laughed, youll have to take me home
and sleep with me.
HORTENSE: Sleep with you? Dont be silly, youre a frog, Im a princess. Im
waiting for my prince.
CLAUS: Thats the deal. If you want your ball.
HORTENSE: Oh, all right. Just go get it.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-4
CLAUS: Ill be right back. (HE jumps behind the well. A pause)
HORTENSE: Oh, dear, oh, dear, what have I done?
(CLAUS pops up with ball in hand)
CLAUS: Your ball.
HORTENSE: That was fast. Goodbye.
CLAUS: Hold on, Princess. Now youve got to marry me.
HORTENSE: I never said I would marry you. Im keeping myself for my special
prince.
(THE TAOIST BAND sound HORSE HOOVES effect)
HORTENSE: Oh, my prince! He comes at last!
(A WARRIOR PRINCE dressed in the Chinese fashion. The FROG
wears an oversized helmet that hides his upper face)
HORTENSE (Spoken): Oh, Prince, at last, its you!
FROG: You seem to be in some distress.
HORTENSE: Oh, Prince, I am. This old frog wants to marry me.
FROG: It cannot be, Most Honorable Frog. For I hold here a miniature (HE
takes out a golden miniature) a precious portrait of my love!
HORTENSE: My portrait!
FROG (Sings, aria-like, opera style):
Oh, my precious Princess,
Ive adored you all my life!
I have slain a thousand warlords
To claim you as my wife.
I love you.
HORTENSE:
You love me?
FROG:
I love you, I do.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-5
I love, love, love my Princess.

HORTENSE:
And I love, love, love, you Prince.
QUEEN: Oh this is excellent masqueing! Bravo! Bravo! (SHE and the COURT
applaud, but the PRINCESS looks grim)
PRINCESS: Father, if youll excuse me-KING: Cheer up, Daughter. Its only a play.
FROG (Spoken): And now, my dearest, shall we go?
HORTENSE: To your palace, Prince?
FROG: No, I shun all worldly goods and fame. To my 2-story Florentine-style
cottage in the woods, built with an attached laboratory.
PRINCESS (Standing): There is something very peculiar here.
KING: Please, Clementine, youre disturbing the players.
CLAUS: Excuse me, Your Highness, but the Princess is promised to me.
FROG: Whats this?
CLAUS: She promised to take me home and sleep with me.
HORTENSE: Pay no attention to him, Prince. Marry me.
FROG: Then, Good Frog, I must honorably give way. The Princess belongs to
you.
HORTENSE: Oh, no, Prince, please, please! I never promised to sleep with
him!
FROG: It matters not what the promise was. A promise is a promise.
CLAUS: For Your Lordship cannot possibly marry someone who has broken her
promise.
FROG: Wisely spoken, Frog. The lady is yours.
HORTENSE: Oh, no, this is terrible!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-6
CLAUS (Sings):
For I love, love, love my Princess!
HORTENSE:
Poor me, married to a frog!
FROG:
The moral of our story,
HORTENSE:
A moral sad, but true, boo-hoo!
FROG, HORTENSE, CLAUS:
Never, never, ever, break a promise,
If you know whats good for you.
Never, never, ever, break a promise,
If you know whats good for you.
MASTERS:
And thats the story
Of a Princess, a Ball
FROG, HORTENSE, CLAUS:
AND A FROG!!
(The PRINCESS unmasks the Chinese Prince as the FROG.
The QUEEN gasps in horror)
QUEEN: GASP! (Faints)
KING: LOOK TO THE QUEEN!
(General panic as COURTIERS rush about; QUEEN lies in the
KINGS arms)
KING: Margot, my darling, speak to me!
FROG (Bowing to the PRINCESS): Good evening, Princess.
PRINCESS: I must say, Frog, I certainly didnt expect to see you here.
FROG: You ran away without telling me if you were ever coming back. I had to
do something.
QUEEN (Regaining herself): Clementine, is this, perchance, the frogperson of
which you spoke?
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-7
CLAUS: JA! Das talking frog!

HORTENSE: Shes been meeting him in the woods, Mother.
PRINCESS: I lost my golden ball. He got it back. End of story.
HORTENSE: Not quite, Sister dear. If I may, Mommy and Daddy, Clementine
made him a promise. I for one would like to know if she intends to keep it.
KING: Daughter, you made this frog a promise?
PRINCESS: Sort of. If he got my ball, he gets to sit with me in royal state and
nibble off my golden plate, andsome other stuff, which escapes me at
the moment.
CLAUS: To be your special friend and sleep in your bed!
KING: In your bed, Daughter?
QUEEN: Good Lord, Clementine, whatever were you thinking?
PRINCESS: Father, please, I was desperate to get my gold ball back! My Test
would be nothing without it.
KING (to FROG): If I may ask, sir, what is your intention in making this
appearance before us?
FROG: Simply to hold the Princess to her promise, Your Majesty.
PRINCESS: Frog, what began as a fascinating experiment has turned decidedly
unpleasant.
KING: That doesnt change the facts, Clementine. You are bound by your word.
As all Kings, Queens, and Princesses are.
HORTENSE and CLAUS: RIGHT.
KING: Kindly offer Sir Frog your hand and lead him in to supper.
PRINCESS: All right. SIR FROG gets his supper, but that is the end of it. I have
no intention of letting him sleep in my bedor touch me intimately IN ANY
WAY.
THE COURT (Shock at the thought): OH!
FROG: Certainly not until were married.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-8
QUEEN: Married? Frederic, what sort of nightmare is this?

PRINCESS: Marriage? No one said anything about marriage.
FROG: I do love her so very much, Your Majesties, and I request the privilege of
undergoing the Test of the Three Balls.
QUEEN: You want to win the Princesss hand?
FROG: Not just her hand
MASTERS, EVERYBODYS, HORTENSE, CLAUS: THE WHOLE PRINCESS!
PRINCESS: Father, we seem to be forgetting here that the purpose of this
evenings benefit is PEASANT RELIEF-- not my marital state.
KING: The only RELIEF the Peasants are going to get, Daughter, is to get you
married and end this terrible drought!
PEASANTS (from OFFSTAGE): YEH, GET ER A HUSBAND!!
KING: NOW. Do you accept the Frogs Challenge, Clementine?
PRINCESS: And if he fails?
FROG: I shall leave the palace and renounce all claims. And never trouble you
again.
PRINCESS: BRING ON THE THREE BALLS.
(ROBELAIRE [EveryMan] brings out the three balls on cushions,
THREE BALL MONTE 3ND reprise)
MASTERS (Sing, spiritedly):
Three Ball Monte!
ROBELAIRE:
Which quality of girl is she?
MASTERS:
In which ball, sir,
ROBELAIRE:
Will her tiny portrait be?
HORTENSE: Claus you did tell him the right ball?
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-9
CLAUS (Slapping his forehead): Ach du lieber! GUTT-SCHMUCKN!!

HORTENSE: Claus!! (SHE hits him in frustration)
(The FROG examines each ball in turn)
FROG (Addressing the COURT): One ball of lead. One silver. One gold. The
truth in fact, is-- our Princess has qualities of ALL THREE.
THE COURT (Astounded): OH--THATS TRUE, SHE DOES!!
PRINCESS: Clever you.
FROG: Your Majesties, Lords and Ladies, since I first encountered the Princess
at the well, I have come to understand she is a complex and changeable
being: As down-to-earth and natural as this plain and humble substance,
lead. (HE reaches for it, hesitates) And yet, she has the sparkle and
illusiveness of a deep lake caught in silver moonlight. (HE reaches for it,
hesitates) But she most truly symbolizes the golden standard of all virtue
and intellect. Ergo, Q.E.D., I choose the golden ball! (HE raises the gold
ball high)
PRINCESS (Coolly): Is that your final answer?
FROG: IT IS. (Opening the gold ball) Ah, yes, the portrait of my love!
THE ENTIRE COURT: AHHHHHHHHH!!
KING:
Let it be proclaimed throughout the land, the Frog has fairly won the
Princess Clementines hand!
HORTENSE and CLAUS: YES!

QUEEN: Frederic, youre marrying our daughter off to a frog.
PRINCESS: Theres no need to be concerned, Mother. I have no intention of
ever marrying a frog. For I know this frog to be in fact, not a frog, but an
enchanted prince.
QUEEN: Oh, dear, now hes an enchanted prince.
PRINCESS: Unfortunately, at the moment, he is just a very stubborn frog with
some serious low self-esteem issues who refuses to recognize his full
potential.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-10
FROG (To the KING and QUEEN): Your Majesties, in deference to the Princesss
concerns, I offer to participate in any experiment she chooses to turn me
into this supposed human prince. Deal?
PRINCESS: Deal.
KING: But let me remind you, Daughter, whether or not you successfully change
the Frog into a prince, in three days time you are still bound to marry him.
PRINCESS: Yes, Father.
HORTENSE: And if I may add, Daddy, recalling the terms of the Royal Charter,
only a human prince can inherit the Kingdom.
KING: Thank you, Hortense. (to FROG) Unfortunately, Sir, much as I admire
you, I cannot legally pass the rule of the kingdom on to you, if you remain
a frog. Even the rumor of such an act would encourage the unfortunate
reputation of France as a nation of frogs. (to the PRINCESS) Clementine,
offer your Intended your hand and lead him in to supper.
PRINCESS: This way, FROG. (SHE haughtily extends her hand to the FROG
and leads him off to supper, followed by HORTENSE and CLAUS and the
MASTERS.
The KING and QUEEN are left alone in the GRAND HALL)
QUEEN: I was hoping for a son-in-law a little less green.
KING: He seems a perfectly decent, well-mannered, intelligent fellow. He might
be just the yang our daughter needs and save the Kingdom.
QUEEN: Frederic, hes a frog.
KING: Margot, we must keep an open mind.
QUEEN: Open?
(THINK OF THE CHILDREN)
QUEEN (Sings):
Think of the children,
Green-speckled and squat.
Think of the children
No, Id much rather not.
Not the flippity-flop of little webbed feet,
Not me swatting flies,
when the darlings want something to eat.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-11
A nursery of tadpoles
with large human heads.
Asleep in the buckets,
We use for their beds.
All slimy and green.
Oh, love of my life!
The thought is nearly obscene.
The scandal and shame
The blight to our name,
Dear Frederick, you have to agree,
Think of the children, yes,
But first, darling, think of me.
(Spoken): Grandmother to a classic French delicacy. The servants might cook
them!
KING: Calm yourself, Margot. Theres another way of thinking.
QUEEN: Such as?
KING: Such as(Sings):
Centaurs & Minotaurs, Mermaids & more!
Such marvelous, mythical creatures of yore,
Half-beast and half-human,
Some nearly divine.
Descendants like these
Could be yours and mine.
The hawk-headed Horus,
The goat-footed Pan,
The Egyptian Anubis, half-jackal, half-man!
Well be grandparents, yes!
Pipe the flute, beat the drum!
Of such marvelous, mythical creatures to come!
QUEEN: Freaks.
Frederic, were talking freaks.
The palace afoot with their squiggles and squeaks.
Four-fingered hands and webbing for toes,
And long, sticky tongues forGod only knows!
(Dialogue)
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-12
KING: We must hold to the wisdom of the Tao Te Ching.

QUEEN: Oh, that Tao Te Ching!
KING: THERE IS NOTHING EITHER UGLY OR BEAUTIFUL, BUT THAT OUR
THINKING MAKES IT SO.
QUEEN: Ill meditate on that one.
KING: GOOD.
QUEEN (Sings, counter to the KINGS verse):
Green-speckled and squat.
Think of the children
No, Id much rather not.
Not the flippity-flop of little webbed feet,
Not me swatting flies,
when the darlings want something to eat.
A nursery of tadpoles
with large human heads.
Asleep in the buckets,
We use for their beds.
But Frog eyes so tender,
Simpatico, too.
So gentle and kind
Oh, Frederic, what are we to do?
KING (in counterpoint to ABOVE):
Centaurs & Minotaurs, Mermaids & more!
Such marvelous, mythical creatures of yore,
Half-beast and half-human,
Some nearly divine.
Descendants like these
Could be yours and mine.
The hawk-headed Horus,
The goat-footed Pan,
The Egyptian Anubis, half-jackal, half-man!
Well be grandparents, yes!
Pipe the flute, beat the drum!
Of such marvelous, mythical creatures to come!
KING:
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

QUEEN:
KING:
In the garden at play
QUEEN:
In the garden at play
KING:
Healthy and happy
and laughing,
QUEEN:
And hopping,
KING:
And swimming,
QUEEN:
And croaking away!
KING:
Think of what the darlings will say
QUEEN:
In their own, amphibious way,
KING:
Oh, Grandpa and Grandma
QUEEN:
GRANDMA and Grandpa!
KING:
Were growing to love you,
QUEEN:
Im growing to love them, my dear!
Such lovely frog children!
KING:
Such lovely frog children!
QUEEN:
And more,
KING:
And more,
QUEEN:
And more,
KING:
And more,
KING AND QUEEN:
And more of them evry year!
KING and QUEEN (Joyously): THINK OF THE CHILDREN! (BLACKOUT)
2-13
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-14
Scene 2
(The GRAND SALON OF THE PALACE. The next morning. The

NINE ROYAL HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS [five TAO MASTERS,
plus the four EVERYBODYS].
THEY begin the musical
sequence,
GROOMING THE GROOM: A VERY DIFFERENT YOU)
ROYAL HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS (Sings):
Lords and Ladies of the Household,
Were assembled, need you ask,
To assist Her Royal Highness
In her Herculean task.
OTHER HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS:
IN HER HERCULEAN TASK!
ONE STAFFER:
We have but three days
To bring about a miracle,
ONE STAFFER:
To turn a frog into a prince,
A living object dart:
STAFFER WOMEN:
A much more fitting bridegroom
For her Highnesss boudoir!
ONE STAFFER:
It cant be done.
OTHER STAFFERS:
It must be done.
ONE STAFFER:
It cant be done.
OTHER STAFFERS:
It must be done!
A frog into a prince!
Improbable!
ONE STAFFER:
Impossible!
(Enter the PRINCESS, crisply and business-like, with a pointer
stick)
PRINCESS: Good morning, Lords and Ladies.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-15
ROYAL STAFFERS (Bowing): GOOD MORNING, YOUR HIGHNESS.

PRINCESS: If I may draw your attention to this simple chart (SHE pulls down
a detailed chart of AN IDEAL HUMAN PRINCE with a confusion of
measurement markings, arrows, etc.)
PRINCESS (Sings):
Our unique approach
Is not magic from a bottle,
But rather, based on principles
of Mister Aristotle
(Spoken):
To effect an inward change,
Amend the OUTWARD form.
ROYAL STAFFERS (Sing):
--AMEND THE OUTWARD FORM!
PRINCESS: Bring forth the subject, please.
(The FROG scurries out)
ROYAL STAFFERS: (Gasp): MERDE!
PRINCESS:
Lords and Ladies of the HouseholdI present the groom in
question.
FROG: Ready when you are, Princess.
(The various HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS sing):
ONE STAFFER (Sings):
It may take a hat.
ONE STAFFER:
It may take a shoe.
ONE STAFFER:
It may take a tuck,
ONE STAFFER:
Or a pli or two.
ONE STAFFER:
It may take a stylish coiffure,
Hair does make the princeto be sure!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-16
ONE STAFFER:
Touch! On your guard, Sir!
Before were through with you,
ALL:
Theres going to be
A very different you!
FROG (Sings):
I can hardly wait
For the change to start!
PRINCESS:
Using as our guide
My anatomy chart.
Here is all the prince you should be.
FROG:
Cant believe this prince will be me!
ONE STAFFER:
Parry, then you thrust, Sir!
My method tried and true,
ALL STAFFERS:
Theres going to be,
PRINCESS:
There has to be,
FROG:
A very different ME!
PRINCESS (to the STAFFER FOUR): Madame Leslie?
MADAME LESLIE: DACCORD!
PRINCESS; Let us commence with the DANCE. (The PRINCESS steps to a
pool of light where
STAFFERS begin doing ballet exercises under the direction of the
MADAME LESLIE. The PRINCESS and the FROG quickly join
THEM)
MADAME LESLIE (Sings):
Pli, relev, coup, pas de bourre,
MADAME LESLIE and OTHER STAFFERS:
(Brighter tempo now)
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

(Continues under FROG/PRINCESS lyrics following)
FROG:
Just watch how Im changing
Minute by minute!
PRINCESS:
Im not at all surprised,
Theres scientific method in it.
MADAME LESLIE:
Chang!
(Executed in sequence)
FROG:
Chang!
PRINCESS and STAFFERS:
Chang!
FROG:
Chang!
(The FROG with his frog prowess, executes an amazing chang)
FROG & STAFFERS (Executing vogue-ing moves):
Chang!
Chang!
Chang!
Chang!
Chang!
Chang!
Chang!
WHOO!
PRINCESS: Now, thats what I call a CHANG. WHOO!
At one side, CLAUS and HORTENSE enter; HORTENSE in a
kitchen apron; CLAUS offers something from a covered tray)
HORTENSE: Look, Froggie dear, my specialty-FROG: Oh, Duchess, dragonfly crpes!!
CLAUS: There you go, Fella!
ONE STAFFER (Seeing the FROG with the crpes): PRINCESS! LOOK!!
2-17
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-18
PRINCESS: STOP! Hortense and Claus, youre not helping at all.

HORTENSE and CLAUS (Sweetly innocent): WERE NOT?
PRINCESS:
them.
Were trying to cure the prince of certain habits, not encourage
HORTENSE and CLAUS: SORRY.

(STAFFER JOSEPH comes rushing onstage with his foil, advancing
on the FROG)
ONE STAFFER: EN GARDE!! Avance, avance!! Parry, parry, thrust--touch!
FROG: Thrust, parry, thrust, parry(Driving the Fencing Staffer skillfully back
offstage)Thrust, Touch! (Stabbing STAFFER JOSEPH)
ONE STAFFER: OOOCH! (Falling backwards offstage)
PRINCESS: His fencing is superb!
(BLACKOUT. Time progression as
the KING, QUEEN, HORTENSE, CLAUS and HOUSEHOLD
STAFF cross the stage)
KING, QUEEN, HORTENSE, CLAUS, HOUSEHOLD STAFF:
First day done,
Hes doing so well!
His ballet, his fencing,
So princely! We can tell!
From amphibian to human
A most astounding feat!
At any moment,
The metamorphosis is sure to be complete.
(The PRINCESS taps out eight notes on a toy xylophone: How
kind of you to let me come)
PRINCESS (Sings):
HOW KIND OF YOU TO LET ME COME.
FROG:
HOW KIND OF YOU TO LET ME COME.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-19
(HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS enter holding open candy-colored

umbrellas)
HOUSEHOLD STAFFERS (Sing):
THE RAIN IN FRANCE STAYS MAINLY IN--?
FROG (Explosively): CHERBOURG!
STAFFERS:
By Jacques, hes got it!
ALL except FROG:
BY JACQUES, HES GOT IT!!
KING, QUEEN, HORTENSE, CLAUS, STAFFERS:
Second day done,
Only one to go,
This anticipation
Is thrilling, dont you know?
Oh, what progress he is making,
Success will be so sweet.
At any moment,
The metamorphosis is sure to be complete!
(The FROG studies his Kings of France flash cards)
FROG (Reciting): The Kings of France! Hugh Capet, Robert the Thin, Louis the
Fat-(HORTENSE and CLAUS approach the FROG)
CLAUS: Say, Froggie, how bout joining me for a mud wallow down at the old
swamp hole by moonlight?
HORTENSE: Mud wallowing by moonlight is such a prince-thing.
FROG: That would be greatno, Id better not. I intend to be a very different
frog in the morning.
HORTENSE (Sings):
Not a different you,
CLAUS:
Not a different you,
HORTENSE:
Stay the way you are,
CLAUS:
Heres a beetle to chew
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-20
(CLAUS shows a large beetle, then pops it into his own mouth)
HORTENSE:
Stay the charming frog Hortense loves,
CLAUS:
Toss away the tights and the gloves.
HORTENSE:
Have you ever seen, Claus,
A frog with blood so blue?
(CLAUS dangles a large earthworm in front of the FROG.
FROG hungrily goes for it)
The
HORTENSE AND CLAUS:

The way you ARE
has got to be
the very princely you!
(The PRINCESS enters briskly, catching THEM)
PRINCESS (Sharply to CLAUS & HORTENSE): Thats it, YOU TWO!
ENOUGH!! (SHE takes the FROG, leading him away to,
A changing booth. The PRINCESS gently lifts the FROGS chin)
PRINCESS (Contd): CHIN UP.
(The FROG enters the changing booth.
The ROYAL HOUSEHOLD
STAFFERS enter carrying a variety of shopping bags which they pass into
the changing booth, The PRINCESS supervises)
PRINCESS (Sings):
Clearly we have done
all that we can do.
ROYAL STAFFERS:
Tried the belly-cinch!
And the corrective shoe!
PRINCESS (to the FROG inside the booth):
Youre
nearly all the prince we could want.
ROYAL STAFFERS:
Connoisseur and court bon vivant!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-21
PRINCESS (to her STAFF):

How he will astound, Sirs!
--Aristotle proven true!
Just some final touches, then
KING, QUEEN, HORTENSE, CLAUS (Enter singing):
Just some final touches, then
ROYAL STAFFERS:
Theres going to be,
PRINCESS:
There has to be,
ALL except FROG:
FOR ALL TO SEE,
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
Therell never be,
PRINCESS:
Its Q.E.D.,
I guarantee,
ALL, except FROG:
A VERY PRINCELY HE!!
(The booth is turned about, revealing a curtain with a golden cord
and tassel.
The GRAND ASSEMBLY HALL at the PALACE:
The PRINCESS stands ready at the curtain with the golden cord in
her hand)
PRINCESS: And now, Mother and Father, Lords and Ladies of the Kingdom
May I present our quite remarkable, new and improved ROYAL PRINCE!
(A quite comic and absurdly fashioned Prince is revealed.
A STUNNED SILENCE. Then--progressive laughter)
ONE COURTIER (Laughs): Ha!
SECOND COURTIER (Laughs): Ha, Ha!
SEVERAL MORE COURTIERS (Laugh): HA, HA, HA!
(THE ENTIRE COURT is infected with uncontrollable laughter)
CLAUS (Suddenly): DO NOT LAUGH AT LITTLE FROGGIE!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-22
PRINCESS: Oh, please, dont!! Dont laugh at himplease!

HORTENSE: Time we all got into our webbed flippers for the wedding. THIS
WAY, LORDS AND LADIES(HORTENSE and CLAUS lead the
COURTIERS out laughing)
KING: Daughter, it is time you began to adjust yourself to the inevitable.
PRINCESS: We still have time, Father.
morning.
The wedding isnt until tomorrow
FROG: I have a chiropractic stretching scheduled in thirty minutes.

KING: Give it up, Children. Its not worth it.
QUEEN: As the Good Masters have taught us, Things arise and we let them
come; things disappear and we let them go.
(The KING and QUEEN pause, take a deep relaxing Tao breath and
exhale)
KING and QUEEN: AAHHH!
KING (offering his QUEEN his hand): Margot?
(The KING and QUEEN exit blissfully arm-in-arm, leaving the
FROG and PRINCESS alone)
PRINCESS: Sometimes I wish that I had never gotten this prince idea in my
head in the first place and we could just go back to the way we were at the
well.
FROG: We can never go back to what we were at the well. (Pause) We dont
have to go through with this.
PRINCESS: Of course we do. A princesss word is sacred.
FROG: Maybe we should try that kiss again.
PRINCESS: I dont think a kiss will solve anything. I will see you in the Royal
Chapel at seven. Goodnight, Frog. My head is splitting(SHE exits
quickly, hand to her head.
PAUSE. The FROG is left alone. He steps to the mirrored booth,
now seeing himself clearly reflected in the three mirrors. He
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-23
removes the feathered hat, doublet, jewelry chains, wipes the pink
paste from his face, as
MEANT TO BE TOGETHER Reprise)
FROG (Sings angrily):
My bulging belly,
My goggle eyes,
I eat water bugs and dragonflies!
I sit like a lumpkin on my log
Shes a Princess!
Im a Frog!
IM A FROG!!
(THE FROG lopes angrily out of the hall, as-A LIGHT UP on the PRINCESS,
THE AGONY)
PRINCESS (Sings, anxiously):
The Agony!
I long to reach
across this Great Divide,
I want him at my side!
Hes a Frog!
Im in love with a Frog!
Why is it madness to say?
When hes perfect in every way?
A creature of wisdom,
Kindness and grace,
Trust and affection
shine in his face.
How could anyone who sees him,
Not want to please him now?
His manner and voice-Have I really any choice?
(SHE crosses to--)
Scene 3
(THE QUEENS ROYAL BEDCHAMBER. The PRINCESS goes to
her mother the QUEEN)
PRINCESS (Contd):
Oh, Misery!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-24
Theres Frog, theres me,

A Princess in a box,
the lid so tightly locks!
Hes a Frog.
To be wed to a Frog!
If he were only a man,
Green and slimy, but still a man!
This Marriage Im dreading,
the saddest thing,
How will the Frog wear
my wedding ring?
Promising my love forever,
How do I keep the vow?
To Have and to Hold him,
Oh, God, I know not how!
QUEEN: Perhaps if youd stop thinking about what he could be and begin to love
him for what he is, you might be surprised.
PRINCESS: Surprised? I dont know what you mean.
(SOME WOMEN)
QUEEN (Sings):
Some women marry princes.
Some women marry frogs.
And many a prince,
Weve sadly learned since,
Changes a little, day by day,
Right before your eyes.
You find your prince is shrinking,
much closer to the ground.
That once noble stance,
Becomes at a glance,
Clearly a creature fat and squat,
Right before your eyes.
Somewhere along the marriage road,
The prince gets out,
Changed to a toad.
An old and horny toad.
It happens.
We know it.
Wives have the warts to show it.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-25
Dont set your heart on princes,

Enchantments come and go,
regretfully so.
But wise women know whats true:
The frog that you marry,
May just turn out
The perfect prince for you.
(Dialogue interlude. MUSIC continues under)
PRINCESS: But, Mother, what about the wedding night? In all my biological and
anatomical research
QUEEN: Put away your books, Clementine. Let your heart tell you what to do.
Marry the Frog and be happy!
PRINCESS: Oh, Mother, if only I could--! (SHE and the QUEEN embrace)
LADIES-IN-WAITING (Sing):
Somewhere along the marriage road,
The prince gets out,
Changed to a toad.
An old and horny toad.
It happens.
We know it.
Wives have the warts to show it.
PRINCESS (Spoken): Ladies, I think I understand.
PRINCESS (Sings):
Some women marry princes.
QUEEN:
Some women marry frogs.
QUEEN and PRINCESS:
But wise women know
LADIES-IN-WAITING (Sing):
Yes, wise women know whats true:
PRINCESS:
QUEEN & LADIES-IN-WAITING:
PRINCESS:
May just turn out,
QUEEN & LADIES-IN-WAITING:
May just turn out,
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-26
PRINCESS, QUEEN and LADIES:

THE PERFECT PRINCE FOR YOU.
(THE LADIES-IN-WAITING exit, as HORTENSE enters)
HORTENSE: Oh, there you are, Sister, darling. We should have known better
than to attempt the impossible.
PRINCESS: Youre right, Hortense. I should have never tried to change him. I
MUST FIND THE FROG!! (SHE rushes out.
THE KING enters in this nightshirt and spectacles, with a large book)
KING: Margot, Ive discovered the most extraordinary thing. In this dusty, court
chroniclea precedent.
HORTENSE: A precedent?
KING: You remember Great-great-Aunt Justina from whom all our Royal Rights
and Prerogatives are descended. If you recall after Great-great-Uncle
Theobald died, Aunt Justina married her poodle.
HORTENSE: Married her poodle?
QUEEN: I knew she was fond of him, but I didnt know she had actually married
him. Perhaps that explains your cousins peculiar fondness for having
their hair tied in pink ribbons.
THE KING: So it would seem the Frog is perfectly qualified to inherit and rule the
kingdom.
HORTENSE: DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!! THE FROG INHERITS????
KING: Let the Royal Heralds proclaim / FANFARE 22A/ throughout this Great
and Glorious Land / FANFARE / The Princess shall have her Frog
Prince! / JAZZY FINALE RIFF!!
KING: (Riffing a scat)
QUEEN: (Riffing a scat response. Then)
KING and QUEEN: RIBBIT-YEH!! (Exit.
HORTENSE stands alone, STUNNED. Then-HORTENSES RECIPE)
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-27
HORTENSE (Sings):
This situation,
means termination
of all the power that I dreamed of for so long!
And soon this kingdom
is Froggies kingdom!
Unless I take a step to right this awful wrong
(Spoken): Ah!
If attention is paid
This Froggie Prince should be pured!
Its not quite legal,
But I stay regal
and the keys to Daddys kingdom
come to me!
(Spoken) Or better yet
Frog deep-fried in batter,
Sauced upon my royal platter,
I am the Queen of cruel invention!
Wait and see!
Just wait and see:
On the menu, what a treat
Little jellied, froggie feet!
I declare it so-That Frog has got to go!!
HES GOT TO GO!
(SHE rushes off, SCREAMING)
HORTENSE: CLAUS!! CLAUS!! (Rushing off)
Scene 4
(A light comes up on CLAUS and the FROG lying on the bank of
the SWAMP MUD HOLE by moonlight. THEY are both dressed in
muddy tank suits. HORTENSES shrill calling CLAUS! CLAUS!
echoes through the forest)
CLAUS: Ach, the woman is always after me! Claus do this, Claus do that. If it
werent that mein Papa lost our fortune in the Bavarian Beer Bubble, I
would never have married that girl. She is always complaining I am a
Dummkopf and no good in the bed department.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-28
FROG: Im sorry to hear that.

CLAUS: So it is decided then, you are not marrying the Princess?
FROG: No. Im going away. Somewhere dark and silent where I will never
speak again.
CLAUS: Where would that be, I wonder?
FROG: To the bottom of this swamp hole for a deep and forgetful sleep. Soon
all of this: the Princess, the palace, you and the Duchess will all seem but
a dream.
CLAUS: Then I will never see my little friend again?
FROG: No, Im afraid not, Claus.
CLAUS: I will miss you very much, Froggie.
(CLAUS TURN)
CLAUS (Contd, MUSIC under): I can say things to you, I cannot say to anyone
else.
FROG: We all need someone we can talk to.
CLAUS (Sings, with romantic angst):
I lie awake,
each breath I take
tells me Im living a lie.
Oh, how I burn,
in cold sweats I yearn
for something I cannot speak aloud.
Moon rising high
over the swamp,
calling me where I shouldnt go!
No princely pomp,
naked, I romp
down where the fish and froggies play!
FROG (Sympathetic, but wary): Easy there, buddy.
CLAUS (Gaily):
Im rather squat.
My skin is brown.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

Claus the Toad finally comes to town!
No more fancy clothes,
Done with boot and lace!
No more staring in the mirror
at my ugly, perfect face!
Its Clauss turn!
Im free at last!
Goodbye to Court and my princely past!
See my webby feet,
Feel my warty hide,
Claus is taking his turn!
CLAUS:
Splashing in the mudhole with my toady song!
FROG:
Catching flies and croaking there the whole day long!
CLAUS:
My legs are short,
FROG:
Your figure, stout
CLAUS:
No more dining on sauerkraut!
FROG:
Catch a waterbug,
CLAUS:
Feast on fishy fin!
No more palace balls for me, Im
touring hot swamps in Berlin!
(The MASTERS enter as BERLIN RADIO SINGERS, the Four
EVERYBODYS appear as BERLIN TOAD MEN & MAIDENS in
leather toad caps, corsets, garter belts, dark circles under their
eyes [A BERLIN TOAD CABARET])
TOAD MEN: WILLKOMMEN, MEIN HERR.
ONE TOAD MAIDEN: WIE GEHTS?
ONE TOAD MAIDEN: Like to catch a girl a worm?
TOAD MEN & MAIDENS (Sing):
Its Clauss turn!
Hes free at last!
Goodbye to Court and his princely past!
2-29
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-30
See his webby feet,

(Spoken): Sehr schn!
Stroke his warty hide.
Claus is getting touchy-feely
with his horny toad inside.
CLAUS (Spoken in rhythm):
Hold your hat,
And Hallelujah,
Claus is gonna show it to ya!
TOADS:
For Princely Life,
dont give a damn!
CLAUS:
At last Im loved as I really am!
How long must I wait,
Trapped inside
this skin?
FROG and ALL:
Claus is ready for,
CLAUS:
Strong and steady for,
FROG:
Claus aint faking it,
TOAD MEN & MAIDENS:
Time he was taking it,
CLAUS and FROG:
CLAUS!
--IS TAKING HIS TURN!!!!
TOAD MEN & MAIDENS:
His turn,
his turn
ALL:
CLAUS IS TAKING HIS TURN.
CLAUS: JA!
CLAUS (Spoken to exiting TOADS): Danke.
TOADS: BITTE. (Exit)
FROG: I hope someday things will change for you.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-31
CLAUS: Thank you for your support. Gute Nacht, Good and Noble Frog. (HE
bows low to the FROG)
FROG (Bowing): Gute Nacht, Good and Noble Claus.
CLAUS tries a little hopping step as he exits.
A passage of time, as above, the moon ABOVE waxes to nearly full)
FROG: And I shall live out my life here in muddy misery.
Scene 5
(The PRINCESS enters with lantern)
PRINCESS: Oh, Frog, thank goodness I found you! What are you doing in this
awful place?
FROG: Please go away.
PRINCESS: But you dont understand, Ive finally come to see
FROG: That there is, and will be, no changing me.
PRINCESS: Yes, exactly! And that it doesnt matter anymore.
FROG: Youre wrong. It is the only thing that does matter. I can never be the
prince I should be. This is where I belong. A creature of the boggy
swamp.
PRINCESS: Oh, Frog. Youre so much better than this.
everything I ever
You already are
FROG: I had the audacity to fall in love with a human princess. Cant you see-- its
best for everyone that we part forever and never see each other again.
PRINCESS: I couldnt bear that. Without you
FROG: Youll have the chance to find the perfect prince you deserve.
PRINCESS: FROG. You havent heard a word Ive been saying.
darling, Frog. Youre already everything I ever wanted.
Dearest,
FROG: No. Youre wrong. I look down into this muddy hole and a very ugly frog
looks up at me.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-32
PRINCESS: Please. Dont look down. (Sings

No. 25 LOOK INTO MY EYES)
PRINCESS (Tenderly):
Look into my eyes
And see the man I see.
Look deep into my eyes
into the hidden heart of me.
The loving man you truly are
Ive always held inside.
Here is an honest man,
A gentle man,
A soul so good and wise.
See the man Ive come to love
Each time
You look into my eyes.
FROG:
Reflected in your eyes,
Someone Ive never seen.
There, floating in your eyes,
I find a face thats not so green.
I see a man whos found himself,
His woman at his side.
Here is my lovely one,
my gentle one,
the darling that I prize!
See the woman that I love
Each time
PRINCESS:
How blind I was,
And all because
I could not see within,
to the man beneath the skin.
FROG:
Not souls apart,
We share one heart,
From this we can begin,
We are perfect Yang and Yin.
PRINCESS:
The complicated math,
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-33
that brought me here to you,

FROG:
The winding, twisting path
of love,
PRINCESS and FROG:
It changed our point of view.
PRINCESS:
I planned to make the Ideal Man
of certain height and size.
Then came a modest one,
A tender one-You caught me by surprise.
FROG:
See the woman that I love
Each time
PRINCESS (Spoken): If you dont kiss me now, I think I shall die.
(THEY kiss tenderly. Then)
BOTH:
Whatever comes,
Well let it come.
And it will be,
What it will be.
Tho ten thousand moons shall fall and rise,
We will always find our love
Each time
(THEY kiss again, then-Rest in each others arms as the nearly full moon slips out from
behind a cloud in the starry sky)
FROG: Princess I feel something.
PRINCESS: What? Tell me!
FROG: A kind of opening up inside of me. As if I were waking from a dream.
Now Im absolutely sure I can be more, so much more!
PRINCESS: But how? Weve done everything possible to transform you.
FROG: Looks like weve come to the end of our rope.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-34
(Four ROPES drop down from above)

PRINCESS: Look. Ropes.
(Four MASTERS quickly slide down the ropes)
MASTERS: YOU CALLED?
PRINCESS: Amazing.
MASTERS: GOING UP! (THEY snap their fingers, the ropes vanish upward)
FROG: Masters, help us out here. Were totally out of ideas.
ONE MASTER (to the other MASTERS): Theyre out of ideas.
ANOTHER MASTER: Time to call in the DIVA.
PRINCESS: THE DIVA? What can she do?
ANOTHER MASTER: Youd be surprised. DIVA?
(The DIVA MASTER appears in full-Diva mode, glittering gown
& glorious hair with hand mike)
DIVA MASTER: SOUND CHECK! (SHE taps her mike) Diva here, Diva here,
Diva here.
FROG: Im sorry Madame Diva. Were not getting this.
DIVA MASTER: Good. Thats a start.
(THE MOST EXCELLENT WAY)
DIVA MASTER (Sings):
Not knowings not
the tangled knot you think.
No! No! No!
Youre on the brink
of a break-through day!
Out of the clear, heavenly blue,
The most marvelous things
Will come to you.
And thats when you will say,
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

I just found myself
The Most Excellent Way.
(Spoken): --Now think on this, my Friends,
DIVA MASTER (Sings):
Not knowing is
the zone in which to be.
OTHER MASTERS:
Yes! Yes! Yes!
You soon will see,
Take some time to play.
DIVA MASTER:
Just letting go, gets things a flow,
Soon a dozen ideas
In your chapeau!
I just found myself
The Most Excellent Way.
ONE MASTER:
You just hit the wall,
ONE MASTER:
Ker-SPLAT!
ONE MASTER:
Knocked you flat.
ONE MASTER:
Get over that!
ALL MASTERS:
Give up everything you think
you know.
DIVA MASTER:
And soon your life is simpatico,
And it all starts with a simple--?
FROG and PRINCESS:
I dont know?
ALL MASTERS: RIGHT!!
MASTERS:
Take the clue thats come to you,
Start thinking in a brand new way.
ONE MASTER:
Reality shakes and quakes and rocks,
2-35
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-36
ANOTHER MASTER:
Time do some thinking, Jack,
Totally outside the box!
FROG (Sings):
Not knowings not
the tangled knot I think.
MASTERS:
No! No! No!
PRINCESS:
Youre on the brink
FROG:
Just letting go, gets things a flow,
PRINCESS:
Soon a dozen ideas
In your chapeau!
MASTERS:
FROG:
I just found myself!
PRINCESS:
You just found yourself!
FROG:
The Most Excellent Way!
MASTERS: TELL IT, BROTHER!
FROG: There is but one release for us.
Obliterate it!
We must smash this froggy form.
PRINCESS: Excuse me-- Obliterate what?

FROG: Risk it all. Arrive upon the other side of everything we know. Princess, you
must throw me hard against a wall.
PRINCESS: (Sings):
Smash you gainst a wall,
FROG:
Ker-SPLAT!
Knocks me flat!
PRINCESS:
I wont do that!
Lose my Lover with a lethal throw!
Why fling you far as the nearest star,
When I love you just the way you are?
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

And it all ends in an awful-I dont know!!
ALL MASTERS: RIGHT!!
FROG:
Time to take a leap of faith,
Move forward in fearless way.
MASTERS:
Fearless way!
PRINCESS:
If you say so, then the path is clear!
FROG:
Time you did some pitchin, Love,
FROG and MASTERS:
STRAIGHT INTO THE STRATOSPHERE!
PRINCESS:
Not knowings not
the tangled knot we think.
MASTERS:
No! No! No!
PRINCESS:
Were on the brink
FROG:
Risking it all, one mighty throw!
PRINCESS:
I will love you forever,
that much I know!
DIVA MASTER:
And thats when Lovers say,
FROG and PRINCESS:
We just found ourselves!
DIVA MASTER:
You just found yourselves!
FROG and PRINCESS:
MASTERS:
FROG, PRINCESS, and DIVA MASTER:
THE MOST EXCELLENT WAY!
FROG and PRINCESS: TO THE PALACE!
(TRANSITION TO--)
2-37
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-38
Scene 6
(THE GRAND ASSEMBLY HALL OF THE PALACE)

PRINCESS: Your Majesties, Lords and Ladies of the Royal Court!
ATTENDANCE, PLEASE!
YOUR
(KING, QUEEN, HORTENSE, CLAUS, and ROYAL COURTIERS

[the Four EveryBodys] rush out)
PRINCESS (Contd): With you as my witnesses, I shall now OBLITERATE THE
FROG.
VARIOUS ROYALS (GASP): OH!!
CLAUS: Oh, mein GOODNESS! WAS IST DAS?
PRINCESS: And SAVE THE KINGDOM.
VARIOUS ROYALS (RELIEF): AH!
PRINCESS: A STONE WALL, PLEASE!!
FROG: A SERIOUSLY FEARSOME STONE WALL, if you please.
(A SERIOUSLY FEARSOME STONE WALL descends-- battlescarred and blood-stained)
PRINCESS I shall now pitch the frog against this fearsome STONE wall.
CLAUS: ACH, GTTERDMMERUNG-- IT CANNOT BE!!
HORTENSE: What a marvelous idea, Sister! I was just about to suggest the
very same thing.
QUEEN: Oh, Clementine, are you sure?
(SHE gestures largely at the wall)
Against this FEARSOME WALL?
PRINCESS: It is the only way, Mother.

FROG: It must be so, Your Majesties.
KING: It is beyond my comprehension, but if the Frog and the Princess so desire
it.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-39
FROG and PRINCESS: WE DO.

KING: Then let it be done.
(The Four MASTERS appear as,
THE PITCH)
FROG (To the Princess): Heres to NOT KNOWING.
MASTERS (Chanting):
Between Being and Not-Being
Is Becoming!
THE ENTIRE COURT (Chanting):
Is Becoming!
MASTERS (Sing):
Let fly.
FROG (Sings):
Let fly.
If ever I would live again
A part of me must die.
THE ENTIRE COURT:
Whatever comes,
Well let it come.
And it will be,
What it will be.
PRINCESS: Stand back, Everyone! Stand back!!
(THE PRINCESS prepares to pitch the FROG)
ONE MASTER (To AUDIENCE): The Princess steps to the mound, pitches the
Frog with her killer-FAST ball. The Frog flies spinning through space at an
incredible velocity towards the stone wall.
KING: At the moment of impact, a blinding flash, a great COSMIC TONE
THE ENTIRE COURT (Sing):
AHHHH!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-40
QUEEN: Then NOTHING.

PRINCESS: Oh, my beautiful Frog, Ive lost you, Ive lost you
QUEEN: Frederic, weve lost him! Oh, Clementine, what have you done? May
the
Good Frog forgive us!
MASTERS ALL: Ta-DA!! A PUFF OF SMOKE!
(The ENTIRE COURT gasps)
THE ENTIRE COURT: OH!! COUGH, COUGH!!
ONE MASTER: The smoke clears-- and there stands before the Court, a
handsome-- if shortish-- Prince. Formerly known as FROG.
(PRINCES ENTRANCE FANFARE)
PRINCE: Your Majesties, may I have the privilege of presenting myselfJeanPierre, Prince of Grenouille. (Gran-nu-wee) (Sings Reprise: MEANT TO
BE TOGETHER)
A leap of faith, thats true,
has brought me here to you.
We will share our love forever--Man and Wife!
PRINCESS: Oh, my Frog, my darling Frog
QUEEN: FredericHe is a prince! And of the Royal Grenouilles! (Gran-nu-wees)
KING: And a MOST EXCELLENT prince at that, Mother. Let it be proclaimed
throughout the kingdom that the Princess Clementine has found her yang
in Prince Jean-Pierre!
CLAUS: I am so happy for you, Froggie. You have become the prince you
always wanted to be. I must say it is all too WUNDERBAR!
HORTENSE: Wunderbar? I wanted a dead frog and now were losing the
kingdom forever! What on earth are you thinking, Claus?
CLAUS: What Im thinking is (HE closes his eyes in meditation and chants)
Is Becoming.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-41

is Becoming-(HORTENSE hits CLAUS hard)
KING (To AUDIENCE): Claus stumbles backwards against the stone wall
QUEEN: A blinding flash! And a puff of smoke!
KING: Another great COSMIC TONE
(COSMIC TONE)
THE ENTIRE COURT (Sing):
AHHHH!
(In front of ALL, appears: CLAUS crouches as a very LARGE,
horny and warty TOAD)
CLAUS (Croaks): GROBBIT. GROBBIT.
HORTENSE: Oh, no, Claus youre a TOAD!
PRINCESS: Not just any toad, Hortense, but a member of the species GIANT
TOAD GERMANICUS, uniquely capable of the remarkable 12-hour
copulation.
HORTENSE: 12 hours? Oh, CLAUS!
CLAUS (to HORTENSE): Hello, Gorgeous. Come to Papa.
(CLAUS takes HORTENSE in his arms, kissing her. SHE almost
faints)
HORTENSE: Now THATS what I call a tongue kiss.
PRINCE: Its so wonderful, Claus, that youve found happiness in your true skin.
CLAUS: JA. I feel a copulation coming on.
GOING!
Vee got dat YINGIE-YANGIE
MASTERS: BOOM. BOOM. BOOM!

ONE MASTER: Outside the palace windows, a MIGHTY thunder is heard --and
a great storm bursts upon the kingdom!
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-42
PRINCESS: Oh, look, Mother, its raining BUCKETS OUT THERE!

QUEEN: Oh, my Good People, The terrible drought has ended! Soon there will
be coq au vin and artichoke vinaigrette-- and plenty pain o choc o lot for
EVERYONE!!
MASTERS and the COURTIERS: LONG LIVE THE KING! LONG LIVE THE
QUEEN!
(A PEASANT COUPLE, now in colorful rags with flowers in their
hair, dance in joyfully joining the celebration)
KING: We declare this NATIONAL PEASANTS DAY!
PEASANT COUPLE: GOOSE PT! CREME BRULE!
ONE MASTER (as Julia Child): BON APPETIT!
QUEEN (Embracing the KING): All harmony and peace is restored, dear
Frederic.
(EVERY ENDING)
KING: Each Yin has found its proper Yang, my love. TO THE CHAPEL, GOOD
PEOPLE.
And let our Royal Wedding Couple be arrayed for the
ceremony!
(The WILD-HAIRED RADICAL now enters in silk top hat, with
wildflowers in his beard and dressed in colorful rags. HE proudly
leads the PRINCESS and her PRINCE off and away to be dressed
for their wedding, as the scene changes to THE ROYAL CHAPEL)
MASTERS (Sing):
Every ending,
A beginning.
Each beginning
turns a page.
HORTENSE and CLAUS:
Every exit,
but an entrance,
to yet, another stage.
KING and QUEEN:
Every opening of a door,
closes on what went before.
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-43
ALL:
And each ending
lets the curtain part
on a brand-new start,
A journey of the heart!
(The PRINCESS and her PRINCE re-enter in their wedding clothes.
THEY walk forward to the KING, who presses their hands together
in the ceremony of marriage)
PRINCESS & PRINCE (Sing):
Every day is
our beginning,
Count on me to
pull you through.
PRINCE, PRINCESS, & COMPANY
Every day, a
new beginning,
Every day, a
new beginning,
Every day, a
new beginning,
New beginning,
To the never-ending love,
Never ending love,
I have for you.
PRINCESS: Now its time for some FUN. (SHE draws the PRINCE into a
passionate kiss)
PRINCE (Startled by the kiss): WOW.
(TALENTS TO TAP, FINALE)
PRINCESS (Sings & taps):
Its a snap,
Ive mastered the flippity-flap.
Im shinin my talents for tappin,
PRINCE:
And good things are happenin
PRINCE and PRINCESS:
THIS MUCH IS CERTAIN-FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr
FROG KISS. ACT TWO

(For 8 bars of MUSIC, The PRINCESS taps a challenge step.
Her PRINCE taps an answer step.
THEY tap together WONDERFULLY-- and SING)
Here we go
PRINCESS:
My Lover!
PRINCE:
And my loving Bride!
Were tappin through life side by side!
Never doubt, Darling, what we can be!
PRINCESS:
When we tap!
We can tap!
WE CAN TAP!
(PRINCE and PRINCESS perform a TAP DUO. Then-the ENTIRE COMPANY joins in--FINALE TAP PRODUCTION
NUMBER. Then)
Spliced and Riced, were workin better together,
Step by step, lets burn some shoe leather!
ALL:
Now were set-- for Love Ever-After!
Fill the hall-- with Babies and Laughter!
CLAUS (Spoken): JA!! IT LOOKS LIKE A WRAP!!
PRINCESS (to her PRINCE):
WHAT TALENTS TO TAP!
PRINCE (to his PRINCESS):
WHAT TALENTS TO TAP!
ALL:
(The PRINCE sweeps the PRINCESS into his arms)
2-44
FROG KISS. ACT TWO
2-45
PRINCE and PRINCESS (to the AUDIENCE): NOW FOR THAT BED.
COMPANY: YEH!!
(CURTAIN)
THE END

A Bawdy, Swingin' New Musical: (Book & Lyrics by Music by Charles Leipart Eric Schorr

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A Bawdy, Swingin' New Musical: (Book & Lyrics by Music by Charles Leipart Eric Schorr

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A Bawdy, Swingin New Musical

(Based on the Stephen Mitchell novella, The Frog Prince)

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

Courtiers, the Peasants, Royal

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

PEASANT MOB: ROOOARRRRRR!!

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

QUEEN and HORTENSE: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!! DADDY!!

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

QUEEN: Oh, Masters, can you solve our problems?

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

BE CIVIL, MY PEOPLE!! Let us welcome to Chambord-on-the-Loire,

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

Thats the way things begin.

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

Exploring in my private woods

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

PRINCESS: RABBITS? There must be a WARREN nearby. MAKE NOTE IN

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

But that special someone

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

For darling, I can tell

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

(The PRINCESS gives the PEASANTS a friendly Princess Hand

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

HORTENSE: Yes, you are! YOU ARE!!

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

(THE ROYAL CHAMBER fades, as)

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

In its own time.

(The MASTERS begin a tennis match in MIME, thwacking the

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

A MASTER: The Tao will lead the way.

(The FROG sits meditating at the well.

The PRINCESS sits in

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

PRINCESS: Oh, Frog, Im sorry. I didnt see you sitting there.

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

FROG: Independent woman. I can understand that perfectly.

FROG KISS 2016 by Charles Leipart and Eric Schorr

FROG KISS. ACT ONE

ONE LADY (Scatting):