THE KATERING SHOW

"Faux Food"

written by
Michael Dixon

michaelpauldixon@gmail.com DRAFT NO. 1

Fremantle, Western Australia 20 October 2016
FADE IN:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
MasterChef Judges GARY MEHIGAN and GEORGE CALOMBARIS appear
from behind the kitchen island as if riding up imaginary
escalators.
MEHIGAN
Hi, I’m Kate McCartney.
CALOMBARIS
(sighs)
I’m the other slightly more annoying
one.
Mehigan faces Calombaris with a stern look.
MEHIGAN
If we’re gunna do this Georgey-Boy,
lets do it right.
Calombaris puts on a blonde curly hair wig.
CALOMBARIS
I’m Kate McLennan!

MEHIGAN CALOMBARIS (CONT'D)

Welcome to the Katering Show. Welcome to Masterchef.
CALOMBARIS (CONT’D)
Kariólis! (motherfucker!)
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
The real MCCARTNEY and MCLENNAN stand behind the kitchen
island.
"Faux Food" 2.

MCLENNAN
Today is all about fake food.
MCCARTNEY
Or as the French say ‘faux’ to mean
imitation, fake, an attempt to create
something that resembles the original
as closely as possible, like the
marriage plebiscite, designed to make
you believe our politicians will ever
do what they are paid for.
MCLENNAN
That's right McCartney, but it
shouldn't be confused with faux pas or
social gaffe, much like your drunken
declaration at dinner last night.
MCCARTNEY
What?
MCLENNAN
Dinner? The Golden Palace?
MCCARTNEY
(confused)
You’re killing me.
MCLENNAN
Your announcement to the table? The
closest you’ve come to climax since
squeezing that 5 pound head through
your vi-jay-jay is..
"Faux Food" 3.

MCCARTNEY
(interrupting with deep
breaths)
Ahh yes.. Aha.. Washing day.
(half beat)
Spin cycle.
(half beat)
Phew! Ladies. An oldie but a goodie.
McCartney punches the air.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Still can’t always get there though.
MCLENNAN
I wouldn’t know. I barely have time,
what with just holding down a job and
being 3 months behind in mortgage
repayments, all whilst trialling a low
protein diet in the event I have to
move to Iran and sell a kidney to a
wealthy oil industrialist.
MCCARTNEY
Actually, you can legally sell a
kidney in Australia now.
MCLENNAN
Fuck off McCartney.
MCCARTNEY
(smiling)
I come from money.
CUT TO:
Visuals of 70’s plastic grapes, banana, apple and pear.
BACK TO:
"Faux Food" 4.

INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY

Two small piles of black soil sit either side off McCartney
and McLennan who offer the visuals with a television shopping
network product wave.
MCLENNAN
Fake food such as edible soil, was
pioneered in the late 70’s by Chef
Michel Bras, the master of la cuisine
du terroir.
MCCARTNEY
Actually, its arguable that the Roman
Emperor Nero perfected the art of
imitation during banquet orgies, held
under rotating ceiling panels meant to
inspire the motion of celestial
bodies.
MCLENNAN
(brows raised)
Romans?
MCCARTNEY
Why don't you try using that fancy
Ballarat University degree for a
change?
McLennan’s lower lips trembles.
"Faux Food" 5.

MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
(haughtily)
Petronius tells us of a feast thrown
by Trimalchio, where guests were
served “A hare done up with wings to
look like Pegasus, a wild sow with its
pregnant belly full of live thrushes,
quinces bristling thorns to appear as
sea urchins, and roast pork, sculpted
into the shapes of fish, song birds...
and a goose”.
MCLENNAN
I’m lending you Rufus and you’re going
to use it.
CUT TO:
A framed picture of celebrity chef (His Holiness) Heston
Blumenthal.
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
The framed picture of Heston Blumenthal sits next to a plate
of 3 oranges in the centre of the bench.
MCLENNAN
Fake food is the art of deception.
Its about fulfilling expectations but
reversing them in a positive way.
(MORE)
"Faux Food" 6.
MCLENNAN (CONT'D)

Like his Holiness’s meat fruit devised

from a 14th century recipe that places
a liver terrine in spherical form,
embowered by mandarin jelly to look
like a small orange.
MCCARTNEY
Why is that positive?
MCLENNAN
I don't know but it takes three chefs
five hours each to create.
McLennan reaches for one of the oranges and cuts it in half,
revealing standard looking citrus inside.
MCCARTNEY
Wow orange meat! It really looks
authentic.
MCLENNAN
Actually, it may just be an orange.
McCartney and McLennan bite down into an orange half each,
skin and all, recalling in horror at the bitterness.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(angrily)
Where the fuck is my prep assistant?
Calombaris hurriedly enters with a new orange, held together
by staples.
Calombaris makes the sign of the cross to the framed picture
of Heston Blumenthal.
CALOMBARIS
(leaving)
Yes chef, sorry chef.
"Faux Food" 7.

SUPERIMPOSE:
Chefs on 457 Visas also make good gardeners and baby sitters.
McCartney with orange pieces falling from her mouth, takes a
spoon full of black soil, munching and aerating to rid the
sour taste.
MCCARTNEY
Is this the chicory and dehydrated
potato substitute? Its.. earthy.
MCLENNAN
I think that’s real dirt.
McCartney spits a mouthful of dirt onto the floor. McLennan
offers her a bottle of Evian water.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Here have a drink.
McCartney takes a swig and immediately spits it out.
MCCARTNEY
(gagging)
Are you trying to kill me? That’s
straight vodka!
MCLENNAN
This is going sooo well.
MCCARTNEY
(recovering)
Lets try the real meat orange.
McLennan cuts the orange the opposite way of the staples to
reveal a hollowed out shell, crammed with raw mince.
MCLENNAN
Well, look at that, its appears to be
a salmonella inspired tartare e coli.
McCartney looks aroused and starts to fan herself.
"Faux Food" 8.

MCCARTNEY
Yummy. Is it getting warm in here?
MCLENNAN
(disgusted)
What the fuck is wrong with you?
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE BOOZE REVOOZE
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - SIDE BENCH - DAY
A framed picture of Heston Blumenthal holding a glass of red
wine.
A blender. A klosch. A funnel. A cask of cheap wine. A half
bottle of expensive wine. A MasterChef Judge MATT PRESTON.
MCCARTNEY
I’m here with my friend and life sized
teddy bear, Matt Preston. What
alcoholic embrocation do you have for
our liver today?
PRESTON
Today, we continue the theme of all
things fakery and step into the world
of liquid alchemy, continuing my
penchant for annoying Gary and George
by dazzling the viewer with simple
recipes straight out of the can.
MCCARTNEY
You mean bottle.
PRESTON
Correct.
"Faux Food" 9.

McCartney gives Preston a hug from the side, looking up to

him.
MCCARTNEY
So what are we looking at Rufus?
PRESTON
Rufus?
MCCARTNEY
That's the name of my childhood teddy
bear and coincidently, McLennan’s
vibrator.
PRESTON
(ignoring)
Today, we are turning this inexpensive
wine..
MCCARTNEY
(offering)
Back into water?
PRESTON
No my child, something better. This
cask wine will be transformed into its
top shelf equivalent in a few simple
steps.
Preston makes the sign of the cross to the framed picture of
Heston Blumenthal.
PRESTON (CONT’D)
Step 1. Finish off any left over
expensive wine.
Preston starts chugging the half bottle of expensive wine
whilst it seeps out of his mouth and onto his cravat.
"Faux Food" 10.

PRESTON (CONT’D)
(pauses chugg, wiping mouth)
While you finish your wine, start step
2 by de-cantering the cask wine into a
blender. Here, make yourself useful
McCartney.
Preston continues to chug the expensive wine as McCartney
pours the cask wine into the blender.
PRESTON (CONT’D)
(spluttering)
Step D. Whoo, did you turn it on or is
it the room that's spinning?
MCCARTNEY
(winking)
You turn me on Matt Preston.
PRESTON
Turn me.. the blender on.. turn it on.
As the blender powers through its cycle process, McCartney
senses the vibration in her hands.
MCCARTNEY
(nodding dreamily)
Spin cycle.
SUPERIMPOSE:
Vaginal stimulation burns 450 calories an hour.
PRESTON
And finally, the secret ingredient!
Preston reveals a bowl from under a klosch and begins lumping
powder into the blender.
MCCARTNEY
What’s that lover?
"Faux Food" 11.

PRESTON
Adjunct. A combination of sulfer
dioxide, ammonium salts, tartaric
acid, tannin, pectic enzymes and
velcorin.
Preston blitzes the blender for 5 seconds and pours the wine
into the expensive bottle using the funnel, giving it a final
shake.
He pours two glasses, pitch black in colour and corrects this
with a liquid drop from a vial turning the wine into an
intense crimson colour.
PRESTON (CONT’D)
(explaining)
Concentrated syrup of rubired grapes.
Cheers.
McCartney watches Preston quaff the wine and he instantly
passes out falling backward.
Seizing the opportunity, McCartney snuggles against the
snoring Preston on the floor, placing one of his life sized
teddy bear arms over her like a blanket.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McCartney places the Matt Preston wine onto the counter and a
cigarette behind her ear.
On the counter is a mass of ingredients, a tatty psychology
text book and a framed picture of Heston Blumenthal with yet
another new facial expression.
"Faux Food" 12.

MCLENNAN
While McCartney has been getting her
snatch spanked, I’ve assembled the raw
ingredients needed to reproduce His
Holiness’s Tiramisù, served in clean
flower pots and topped with properly
edible soil and chocolate herbs.
MCCARTNEY
(disappointed)
So close.
MCLENNAN
Where’s Rufus?
MCCARTNEY
Couldn't hold his liquor.
MCLENNAN
(confused)
There were fresh batteries in it.
MCCARTNEY
Its not a total bust, I got some dry
grindadge action.
MCLENNAN
(effervescently)
What are you faux cooking today
McCartney?
MCCARTNEY
Heston Blumenthal’s Roman desert of
ejaculating cake.
"Faux Food" 13.

MCLENNAN
(condescending)
Why am I not surprised.
MCCARTNEY
What’s this book?
MCLENNAN
I thought about what you said and
you’re right, I should use my degree
more.
MCCARTNEY
Still paying HECS off huh?
MCLENNAN
(ignoring)
I did an elective on psychology. I've
earmarked the pages you should read,
but wait till you’ve got some time
after the show.
MCCARTNEY
Narh I’ll do it now, my recipe is a
piece of piss.
McCartney takes the book and walks off. McLennan starts
mixing ingredients in a huff.
MCLENNAN
(under her breath)
Unbelievable. You make an acclaimed
series all the critics love and then
everybody rests on their laurels.
McCartney reenters the room.
"Faux Food" 14.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Ahh.. I knew you wouldn't let me down.
MCCARTNEY
I forgot my Matt Preston Napa inspired
Cabernet.
McCartney leaves again, also taking the framed picture of
Heston Blumenthal.
MCLENNAN
You know, success is just like
pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you
but nobody knows how many times you
were fucked to achieve it.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - LOUNGE - DAY
McCartney is seated on the couch, the tatty psychology text
book resting on Matt Preston’s sleeping head in her lap.
The framed picture of Heston Blumenthal with another new
facial expression, sits on the coffee table.
MasterChef Judge Mehigan is seen cleaning the outside window.
MCCARTNEY
Lets face it, psychology is only good
for understanding psychosexual
development and penis envy, but
McLennan does have a point.
(MORE)
"Faux Food" 15.
MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)

According to research, pleasant and

averse stimuli can elicit arousal and
attention, whilst their salience and
intensity increases when they occur by
surprise. Its like leaving a club at
3:00 am with some smacktard douche
canoe because your girly bits are so
engorged its as if you’re naturally
wearing Libra pads with wings. And
after he twists your nips off in an
Uber, you get home, expecting nothing
longer than the time it takes to nuke
a bag of popcorn, except he has a rod
the size of a rolling pin and uses it
to pummel you to submission over a 45
minute skronk.
McCartney breathless, starts to fan herself.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Can I get an amen!
MCLENNAN (O.S.)
Amen!
"Faux Food" 16.

PRESTON
(awakens)
This means when you experience the
unexpected, the brain prepares a
response based on the emotional
results of sensory stimuli, in
McCartney’s case, a major wet on.
McCartney makes her “O” face. Preston appears to fall back
asleep.
MCCARTNEY
I think you just made my amygdala cum!
PRESTON
(turning over to snuggle in)
Praise Jesus!
McCartney takes the cigarette from behind her ear and puts it
on her trembling lips, stroking Preston’s hair in wonderment.
CUT TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
A circle of carrots with tips pointed to the centre including
one orange coloured dildo with label, reading “Rufus”.
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
On the counter is a mass of ingredients. McLennan is looking
slightly manic.
MCLENNAN
I've been happily cooking for two and
a half hours now and after hitting the
wall at step 26 out of 60, I feel
invigorated. Fuck, I’m on a runner’s
high.
"Faux Food" 17.

MCCARTNEY
Serious? I’m taking the Nigella
express route. Ha.. root.
McCartney offers her ingredient visuals with a television
shopping network product wave.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Here we have an empty 2.0 litre soft
drink bottle, an Aldi sponge cake, a
packet of Mentos, popping candy and
some coke.
MCLENNAN
(busily over the stove)
Fuck this runners high, I could do
with a line right now.
MCCARTNEY
Take your soft drink bottle and cut
around the cone.
MCLENNAN
(scratching arm)
Cone?
MCCARTNEY
Next, hollow out your cake so that the
top of the bottle sits underneath,
hidden from view. Take your Mentos
and popping candy, filling the inside
of the cake and you’re done!
(MORE)
"Faux Food" 18.
MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)

All that’s left is to have your party

guests drop their keys in a bowl, hand
them a 600 ml bottle of cola to tip
into their cake and wait for the
fireworks!
McCartney tips the cola into the cake which explodes with
‘ejaculate’.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
(bad Austin Powers
impersonation)
Yeah baby! Do I make you horney?
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
(coyly)
I’m going for a post coital nanna-nap.
McCartney turns to leave the kitchen.
McLennan pleads with the framed picture of Heston Blumenthal
who sports yet another new facial expression.
MCLENNAN
Give me strength Lord Heston!
As soon as McCartney leaves the kitchen, a divine white light
washes over McLennan.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Yes! Fuck yeah Jesus!
SUPERIMPOSE:
Blasphemy is Roman for al dente.
McLennan hurriedly opens the pantry and takes out a tin of
Milo, a bag of raw spaghetti, a Crunchie chocolate bar and a
bag of spearmint leaf lollies.
McLennan dumps the Milo into the flower pot, breaks the
Crunchie chocolate bar into small pieces, tipping the shards
onto the Milo in the flower pot.
"Faux Food" 19.

McLennan skewers the spearmint leaves with the raw spaghetti

and stands the spaghetti upright in the Milo flower pot.
MCLENNAN
(panting, wiping brow)
There! Finished. Phew.
(beat)
McLennan looks agitated, then confused, then aroused, placing
the framed picture of Heston Blumenthal, now with sad
expression, downward on the bench.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(calls out)
Matthew darling!
(takes out rolling pin)
Are you still here?
CUT TO:
TITLES - CREDITS
EXT. THE KATERING SHOW - BACKYARD - DAY
McCartney and McLennan sit outside, both with bed hair and a
cigarette behind each ear.
On the table is an upright Rufus, a rolling pin and a new
framed picture of MasterChef Judge Matt Preston.
McCartney and McLennan dip their raw spaghetti tipped
spearmint leaves into the still bubbling ejaculation cake,
then dip the wet spearmint leaves back into the Milo.
MCLENNAN
You know, I never considered myself a
spiritual person.
(beat)
MCCARTNEY
(chewing)
Mmmmm..
MCLENNAN
Today was an revelation.
"Faux Food" 20.

MCCARTNEY
I’ve always subscribed to the adage
that religion is a lot like cock.
MCLENNAN
(thoughtfully)
Hmm..
(beat)
How so?
MCCARTNEY
Well its fine to have one, just don't
wave it in my face in public.
(beat)
McLennan picks up Rufus and sniffs it.
MCLENNAN
Did you wash this?
MCCARTNEY
Maybe.
FADE OUT.

THE END