Chapter Eight Objectives: Love & Romantic Relationships

1.
2.
3.
4.

What did Sternberg (1986) propose as the 3 essential components of love?

Briefly explain factor analysis. What is it used for?
Define passionate love and companionate love. Give examples of each.
What are the three major goals of love and romantic relationships discussed
in the chapter?
5. How does testosterone affect sexual desire in men and in women?
6. What are two examples of sociosexual attitudes? Define each.
7. How do men and women differ in their attitudes towards and minimum
standards for one-time sexual encounters, i.e., one-night stands? Why do
they differ?
8. Explain Berscheid and Walsters (1974) two-factor theory of love. What is
one problem with this theory?
9. Explain the arousal-facilitation theory of love.
10.What explanation is given in your book for why unrelated children raised in
Israeli kibbutzim were not sexually attracted to one another?
11.What is attachment style? Define the three attachment styles described in
your book.
12.What is erotomania?
13.Who is more jealous, men or women? Explain your answer.
14.What are the positive and negative effects on a relationship of having
children?
15.Define monogamy and polygamy. What are the two types of polygamy?
16.Explain how gender affects our desire to seek status in a mate.
17.Give an example of how homosexuals can serve as a control group for the
study of heterosexual mate choice.
18.What happens to a womans desire for status and resources in a mate when
she herself achieves wealth, power, and status?

Chapter Eight Notes: Love & Romantic Relationships

i. Defining Love and Romantic Attraction What is love?
1. The defining features of love
ii. Multiple features and definitions Robert Sternberg reduced
these to three essential components:
1. Passion: factor on love scales (psychological inventories or
measures of the construct love) composed of items tapping
romantic attraction and sexual desire
2. Intimacy: factor on love scales composed of items tapping
feelings of close bonding with another
3. Decision/commitment: factor on love scales composed of items
tapping decision that one is in love with and committed to another
4. Uncovering the different factors of love
iii. Using statistical techniques to uncover factors
1. Examine correlations between large number of items and putting
all items that are highly correlated together. This reduces large
numbers of items to a few basic categories.
2. In factor analyses of love, intimacy is a central component for most
people
iv.
v.
vi.

vii.

3. Are there different varieties of love?

Not all love involves equal parts of passion, intimacy, and
commitment
Many types of love: friendship, brotherly love, agape love, familial
love, puppy love
Passionate and Companionate love
1. passionate: intense longing for union with another
2. companionate: affection and tenderness we feel for those with
whom our lives are deeply entwined
Two most central types of love: parent/child and romantic
partners

1. The goals of romantic relationships

viii. Desire for sexual gratification
1. Evolutionary psy suggests that sexual gratification is not enough
ix. Form a family bond
x. Like friendship, offers social support and access to resources but in
different ways, often tied to sex roles
2

xi. Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction

xii.

xiii.

xiv.

xv.
xvi.

xvii.

1. Sexual desire is prime ingredient separating passionate love from

other types of love. It disrupts history, politics, and all kinds of
other relationships.
4000 people surveyed about sexual thoughts in past 5 minutes:
50% of men and 40% of women under 25 said yes.
For persons between 26-55 years of age: 25% men and 14% women
said yes.
Societies have traditionally exacted harsh punishments for sexual
infidelity
1. Comanche Indians: whip the man, cut off the womans nose and
slash her feet
2. Justifiable to kill adulterers in many cultures (mostly the woman)
3. Lose home, family, career etc.
Range of sexual desire among people
1. Kinsey found man who ejaculated once in 30 years but also one
who ejaculated 30 X week for 30 years (he said)
2. Environmental cues can trigger more or less sexual desire
3. Hormones
Humans are sexually active even when female is not ovulating
Link between sexual desire and testosterone levels in men & women
1. injections of testosterone or androgen (of which T. is major part)
affected desire and fantasy levels
2. Sociosexual Attitudes
Positive and negative feelings about sexuality
1. erotophobia: tendency to feel guilt and fear of social disapproval
for thoughts and behaviors relating to sex
2. sociosexual orientation: individual differences in tendency to
prefer either unrestricted sex (without necessity for love) or
restricted sex (only in the context of a long-term, loving
relationship)
a. reflects different consequences in relationships
b. reflects different choices in partners
i. unrestricted types prefer partners who are socially visible and
attractive
ii. restricted types prefer partners who have traits linked to good
parenting: responsibility, affection, stability, and faithfulness
c. both types enjoy sex equally and equally often

3. Social Attractiveness and Sexual Desirability

xviii. Persons high in self-monitoring tend to have more sexual partners
xix. Physical attractiveness tends to result in more opportunities for sexual
behaviors
1. what is attractive?
a. A low waist-to-hip ratio has historically been favored in women
b. In men, similar hip/waist size considered more attractive
c. Large eyes and a small nose in women
d. Medium-sized nose and large jaw in men
e. Body symmetry (both sexes)
i. Symmetrical men began having sex earlier in life and had
more partners than asymmetrical men; negligible effect for
women
xx.
xxi.
xxii.
xxiii.
xxiv.
xxv.

2. Gender Differences in Sexuality

Both sexes accept average IQ on date but want well above average for
life partner
As sex partner, women want man with more intelligence; men not
concerned with IQ in sex partner
One-night stands: in Florida study, 50% accept date but 70% men said
yes to have one-night stand whereas 0% women said yes
Studies of homosexual females suggest that fear of pregnancy is not
motivating factor lesbians prefer to (and do) lead less active sex
lives than heterosexual women
Women require love and intimacy as prerequisite for sex
Differences between sexes in love and attachment motives are nearly
nonexistent in long-term relationships

1. Arousing Settings
xxvi. Dances: rhythm, activity, anticipation of potential liaisons
xxvii. Two-factor theory of love: love consists of general arousal (factor
one) which is attributed to the presence of an attractive person (factor
two the cognitive label that the feeling is love)
1. general emotions of arousal (racing heart, butterflies in stomach)
and a label (love, fear, excitement, depending on situation) are
combined.
2. think of the passion often incited by danger (sex and death)
3. any arousal even exercise can have a stimulating effect on
sexual arousal
xxviii. Arousal-facilitation theory: theory that general arousal will enhance
any ongoing behavioral or cognitive process, including attraction
4

1. arousal-facilitation theory overcomes problems with the twofactor theory

a. doesnt require us to experience passion toward same-sex
persons in arousing situations
b. doesnt require us to explain attraction that persists for a person
despite knowing the situation may be source of arousal
xxix.
xxx.
xxxi.
xxxii.

2. Nonverbal Cues
Frequently in arousing situations without becoming attracted to
persons with us must be more
Good looks
Touching
Gestures: women - head toss, flipping hair, exposing neck, eye
contact/staring

1. Cultural Norms about Sexuality

xxxiii. Americans accept kissing about age 14; intercourse at about 17
xxxiv. Japanese: kissing about age 20; intercourse at 22
xxxv. Kinsey (1950s): 71% American men and 33% women had premarital
sex by age 25
1. By 1970s: 97% males and 67% females by age 25
2. Variations in Perceptions and Reactions
xxxvi. Sexual motivation is related to
1. personal features
2. sociosexual orientation
3. gender
4. features of situation
5. eye contact
6. irrelevant arousal
xxxvii. Interactions of person and situation variables
1. men and women perceived 5-minute conversation differently
2. men more likely to interpret womans behaviors sexually UNLESS
the man is related to the woman
3. women more skeptical of mans honorable intentions
a. these differences are adaptive
4. Cultural interactions with person variables
a. Israeli kibbutz children: pods assumed a family quality that
precluded sexual interactions even though not prohibited

xxxviii. Establishing Family BondsPassion fades but lovers remain together why? Intimacy and
commitment may grow, or commitment alone may keep people
together.
1. The Importance of Attachment
xxxix. need to belong: the human need to form and maintain strong, stable
interpersonal relationships
xl. bonds between committed lovers similar to those between a mother
and child
1. three-stage pattern of separation distress: reaction sequence
shown by infants or adults separated from those to whom they are
intimately attached
a. protest stage: attempts to reestablish contact
b. despair stage: inactivity and helplessness
c. detachment stage: lack of concern and coolness toward
separated other
2. secure base: comfort provided by an attachment figure which
allows the person to venture forth more confidently to explore the
environment
3. one primary person as bond
xli. Males
1. hormonal changes in human males match those of expectant
wives, before birth (more prolactin) and immediately after birth
(less testosterone)
xlii. Psychological consequences of attachment
1. merging of selves multiplies rewards
2. Attachment Style
xliii. secure attachment style: marked by trust that the other person will
continue to provide love and support
xliv. anxious/ambivalent style: marked by fear of abandonment and the
feeling that ones needs are not being met
xlv. avoidant style: marked by defensive detachment from the other
1. Temperament
xlvi. twin studies (3,147 married twins)
1. in unstable marriages: are unconventional, extroverted,
unrestricted, & prone to negative moods
xlvii. emotional stability
xlviii. self-esteem
1. low = more romantic feelings
6

2. high = more long-term relationships

3. Exchange versus Communal Orientation
xlix. persons with high exchange orientations more unhappy in
relationships
l. relationships not dependent upon our inborn abilities as much as they
are on our motivation and learned skills
li. what effects our motivation?
1. Threats
lii. perceived threats tend to drive us to our partner
1. the adult version of I want my mommy
liii. threats to our relationship may provoke well of passion IF threats are
genuine (not used by one to manipulate other)
1. Harlows monkeys
2. Obsessive Relationships and Unrequited Love
liv. erotomania: emotional disorder involving the fixed (but mistaken)
belief that one is loved by another, a feeling which persists in the face
of strong evidence to the contrary. Think of the movie, Fatal
Attraction.
lv. Pain of rejection: http://www.newscientist.com/news/print.jsp?
id=ns99994257
1. Competition Within Each Sex
lvi. Jealousy and infidelity
1. men: more upset by sexual infidelity
2. women: more upset by emotional infidelity
lvii. In societies with surplus of marriageable women, men less likely to
marry and social values relax about sexual behaviors
lviii. Surplus of marriageable men: commitment more likely and sexual
values shift toward conservative behaviors
1. The Give and Take of Marital Relationships
lix. 25 research projects over 20 years on what works in marriages
1. handling hot topics: money, careers, alcohol & drugs, children,
religion, sex, money, relatives
a. unhappy couples respond with zingers cruel comments
targeted at partner
b. cognitive-behavioral communication skills: see p. 283 for ideas
i. reduces break-up and divorce numbers by half

2. relationships change our personalities happiest marriages are

between similar personalities
3. commitment changes perception of relationship
a. shacking up for twenty years is not like marriage
b. commitment reduces attraction to outside others
lx. Gaining Resources and Social Status
Mating brings together resources of material and social worth. What
we prefer depends on who we are
1. Gender and Sexual Orientation
lxi. women find attractive
1. status, no matter looks
2. nonverbal signs of self-assurance and confidence
3. income and education
lxii. men find attractive
1. physically good-looking females
lxiii. reproductive goals
1. younger men want older women while older men want younger
women
2. women want men with secure resources
lxiv. homosexual persons
1. gay men
a. relatively uninterested in partners wealth or social status
b. interested in physical attractiveness
c. generally prefer young partners, no matter their own age
2. lesbian women
a. complex combination of preferences
b. some preference for youthful partners
c. less emphasis on physical attractiveness
d. more inclined toward sexual fidelity
lxv. when women have the status and resources
1. they may be more assertive in seeking partners but have traditional
preferences
2. Culture, Resources, and Polygamy
lxvi. monogamy: marital custon in which one man marries one woman:
most societies practice this
lxvii. polygamy: more than one marital partner at a time
1. polygany: one man marries more than one woman: allowed in vast
majority of societies
8

2. polyandry: one woman marries more than one man: allowed in

less than of 1% of societies
lxviii.
lxix.
lxx.
lxxi.

3. Increasing Levels of Involvement

we seek partners whose resource potential is similar to our own
increasing feelings of love lead to lower levels of nickel and dime
accounting between partners
equity rule: each persons benefits and costs in a relationship should
be matched to the benefits and costs of the other
need-based rule: each person provides benefits as the other needs
them, without keeping account of individual costs and benefits

1. When Dominance Matters

lxxii. women initially attracted by dominant males but prefer men with
androgynous characteristics
lxxiii. androgynous: demonstrating combination of masculine and feminine
characteristics in ones behavior
lxxiv. both sexes want a partner who is nurturing and expressive