Professional Documents
Culture Documents
The Happiness Bible: by Tiffany.K
The Happiness Bible: by Tiffany.K
By Tiffany.K
TableofContents
Introduction
Firstly,Iwouldliketocongratulateyouongrabbingacopyofthehappinessbiblefor
yourself.Ibelieveitwouldmakeabigchangeinyourlife.
Wereallunderconstantstressinourdailylives.Andsometimeswejustgetbyforgetting
therealreasonwhyweareonthisplanet.
Nothingmattersmorethanbeinghappy.AndIwouldurgeyoutogothroughthisguide.
ImplementthetechniquesthatIshareandachieveramuchfullerandhappierlifefor
yourself.
Enjoythejourney.
StayHappyAlways,
Chapter1:HappinessWhatIsIt?
Thereisanoldsayingthatgoeslikethis:Oneman'sheavenisanotherman'shell.
Inplaintermsthismeansweallviewwhatisheaventousorwhatishelltowhatis
relativetoourlives.Wecantakethissameideaandapplyittothemeaningofhappiness.
Howweviewhappinessispersonalbasedonourlives,valuesandlifestyles.
Happinesstomemaybeunhappinesstoyou.Forexamplemanyofmyfriendssaytome
YouhavetogooutandIsayWhy?TheyfeelIneedtopartyandgoouttoenjoymylife.
That'stheirdefinitionofhappiness.IliketobehomeanddowhatIwantwithnopressure.
Thisishappinesstome.EveryoneisdifferentiswhatIamillustrating.
Togettothepoint,Idon'tneedtoconstantlybeentertainedoutsideofmyhousetobe
happywhiletheydo.Thus,wedonothavethesamedefinitionofhappinessasitappliesto
ourlives.
Theonlyexceptiontothedefinitionofhappinesswhereoneshouldinterfereinwhat
happinessistoperson;iswhenanotherperson'sdefinitionofhappinessaffectsothers(or
eventhemselves)inanegativewayorhurtfulway.Ifsomeoneenjoyshurtinganotherat
theexpenseofanotherasaformofhappinessthentheyhaveaseriousproblemandthey
needtoseekprofessionalhelp.Inthiscasetheirhappinessisdistortedbecauseitinvolves
harmingthemselvesorotherstogainasenseofhappiness.
One'shappinessshouldnotbebasedonphysicaloremotionalpainofanother,andthisis
evenmoreseriousiftheotherpersonisnotaconsentingadult.Thatcrossesthe
boundaries.Ifapersonishappyattheexpenseofanother'ssufferingtherenojustification
thispersonissickmentally.Thisisespeciallytrueiftheotherpersondoesnotwishtobe
hurt.Inthiscasetheyareinflictingtheirhappinessonotherswhowantnopartofit.This
isamentalproblemthatneedsaddressingimmediately.
Bydefinitionhappinessisdefinedasastateofmindorafeelingthatischaracterizedby
contentment,love,satisfaction,joyorpleasure.Thewordasbydefinitionhappinessis
approachedinphilosophyandreligionasastateofbeing.Thisisespeciallytrueifone
embracesaparticularideologybasedonthepremiseofHappinessasthephilosophyof
thatparticularreligion.
Therearetwobasicschoolsofthoughtinrelationtotheideaofhappiness.Oneisthatwe
getourhappinessfromexternalthingslikelivingaprosperouslife.Theotherschoolsays
inordertobehappyithastostartfrominsideourbeingsfirst.Somephilosophersand
religiousthinkerstendtodefinetheideaofhappinessasastateofbeingasaresultof
livingagoodlifewhichisofcourserelativeformulatedbywhattheirperceptionsofa
goodlifeis.Theyapproachhappinessasastateofbeinginwhichoneisflourishingas
opposedtoanemotionfromwithinusthatweradiatetotheworld.Therearehowever
otherphilosophersandreligiousthinkersthatdohypothesizethathappinesscomesfrom
aninternalstateofbeingfirstandthenhappinesscantrickleintothephysicalworld.
Psychologyattemptstodefinehappinessaccordingtoone'smentalstateofmindandthe
positivityoneexecutesinone'slife.Scienceontheotherhand,attemptstodefine
happinessaswithwhathappenswhenweareinastateofhappinessphysicallyand
biologicallytous.
Whileitishardtoconcretelymeasurehappinessbecauseitisalsoculturallyandsocially
defined,therearegeneralconsensusacrosstheboardwhichareincludedindefiningwhat
happinessis.
Regardlessoftheperson,placeorculture;theuniversalideaofhappinessisbasedon
positiveemotionsandactivitiesthatpermeateintoaperson'slifebasedonthatculture's
definitionofhappiness.Therearethreekindsofhappinessthatuniversallyallpeopleseem
toagreeon:pleasure,engagementandmeaninginone'slife.
Therearealsocertaingeneralattributesthatareassociatedwithbeinghappy.Theseare:
1. Relationships
2. Love
3. Socialinteractions
4. Extraversion,marital
5. Status,employment,
6. Stateofhealth,
7. Freedomasinademocraticsense
8. Optimism
9. Religiousevolvement
10. Income
11. Proximitytootherhappypeople.
TheorderofthesegeneralattributesarenotnecessarilyashowIwrotethem.Theyare
ultimatelybasedonaperson'svaluesysteminrelationshiptowhattheyperceiveas
happiness.ForinstanceImaythinkloveisthemostimportantaspectofhappinesswhile
othersmaythinkitseconomicsecurity.Theorderofthingsthatmakeushappyvary
dependingontheperson'slife.
Manytimeshappinessisdefinedbyethicsofaparticulargrouporbeliefsystem.Ethicists
mayargueastohowtheybelievehumansshouldbehaveasthefoundationofwhatthey
believeoneshoulddefineashappiness.Thereiswhatiscalledmundaneconcrete
happinessandspiritualhappiness.Forexample,Buddhismispremisedontheideaof
happinessasacentraltheme.InordertoachieveNirvanaorEverlastingPeaceonehas
toraisetheirconsciousnessbeyondthemundanestateofhappiness.Buddhistsbelieveto
behappyonehastohavelovingkindnessandcompassionforalllivingbeings.Buddha
taughtthatifoneactsandspeakswithapuremindsurelyhappinesswouldfollowlikea
shadow.
AlGhazali(10581111)theMuslimSufithinkerwrotetheAlchemyofHappiness,a
manualofspiritualinstructionthroughouttheMuslimworldandwidelypracticedeven
now.Aboutonehundredyearslater,theHinduthinkerPantanjali,authoroftheYoga
Sutras,wrotequiteexhaustivelyonthepsychologicalandontologicalrootsofbliss.Blissis
anextremeformofNirvanainHinduterms.IntheYorubareligionitisbelievedthatIwa
PeleorgoodcharacterpromoteshappinessandhappinessbringsIreorblessings.
ThephilosopherAristotlewrotein350B.C.EtheNicomacheanEthicsinwhichhestate
thathappiness(asindoingwellandbeingwell)ishuman'sdesirefortheirownsake
unlikeriches,friends,wealth,honororevenhealth.Healsoobservedthatpeoplesought
thingslikeriches,honorandhealthnotonlyforthesakeofthosethingsbutinordertobe
happy.
Inpsychologicaltermstoday,somepsychologistspracticeinwhatiscalledPositive
Psychology.ItisbelievedthatPositivePsychologyisatruewaytopromotehappiness
withinaperson.MartinSeligmanoneofthefoundersofwhatiscalledPositive
Psychology"wroteabookentitledAuthenticHappinesswhichdescribeshappinessas
positiveemotionsandpositiveactivities.Hefurthercategorizesemotionsrelatedtothe
past,thepresentorthefutureindefininghappiness.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothepast
includesatisfaction,pridecontentmentandserenity.Positiveemotionsrelatedtothefuture
includeoptimism,hopeandtrust.Presentpositiveemotionsarebrokendownintotwo
categoriesnamelypleasureandgratification.Pleasuresinrelationtothebodyandhigher
pleasuresarecalledpleasuresofthemomentandusuallyarearesultorinvolvea
physicalstimulus.Inpositivepsychologyitisbelievedthatthemostprofoundsenseof
happinesscomesfromhavingalifeofmeaning.Thismeansone'slifeispurposefuland
fulfillingduetooneusingonesstrengthsandvirtuesinapurposegreaterthanone'sown
immediategoals.Oneisinastateofhappinessbecausetheyarecontentwithwhotheyare
insideemotionallyandcanbehappywiththeworldbecausetheyknowwhattheywant
outoflifeandhowtoattainit.
Physicallybiologistsandscientistsarelookingatthebrainandbiochemicalbodychanges
tohelpthemunderstandhappiness.Therearebiologicallychemicalreactionsthatoccurin
thebrainandbodythatallowustodifferentiatebetweenpositiveandnegative
occurrences.Thesechangesarewhatgivesuseitherapositiveornegativestateofmind.
Socialfactorsareamongthemostimportantthingsthatmakehumanbeingshappy.Their
relationshipswithothersareakeysourceofhappinessastheirinteractionwithother
people.AwidelypublishedstudyintheBritishMedicalJournalreportedthattheysawthat
happinessseemstospreadfrompersontopersonwithinasocialnetworkorgroup.
Researchwasdoneovera20yearperiodandfoundthatclustersofhappinessspreadup
tothreedegreesofseparation.Whatthatmeansisthathappinesstendedtospread
throughcloserelationshipslikefriends,siblings,spousesandevennextdoorneighbors.
Theresearchalsonotedthathappinessspreadmoreconsistentlythanunhappinessina
givennetwork.Thestructureofthesocialnetworkalsohadanimpactonhappiness.For
example,thoseintheinnercorelikeclosefriendsandfamilymemberswerehappierthan
thoseontheperipheraledgeofthenetwork(thosewhowerenotatthecoreofclose
friendsorfamily;butmaycasuallyknowsomeoneintheinnercircle.)Thisstudy
concludedthathappinesscanbespreadlikeavirus.Whenonepersonishappyinaclose
socialnetworkitspreadstotheothersinthatnetworkthroughinteractionwiththesource
ofhappiness.
Itissafetosaythatregardlessofthesocietyorcountryonemayliveineveryonewantsto
behappy.Onlyyoucansayifyouarehappyorsufferingfromlife'sstruggle.Nooneperson
cantellanotherpersonthattheotherishappy.
Apersoncanonlyspeakforthemselvesregardinghappiness.Inrealitythereisnosuch
thingasaproblemfreelife.Howeverinordertoexperiencesomesortofhappinessin
spiteoftheproblemswemayhave;wehavetocometotermswiththeproblemsfirst.In
thiswaywecancometosomekindoftermswithourselvesandcreateastateofbeing
withinourselvestoworkthroughtheproblems.
Theideaistohandlethesethingswithoutlettingthemtakeoursenseofselfaway.Howwe
choosetoreacttothechallenges,tragediesandsufferingthatlifethrowsatusisbasedon
ourinnerstrength.Happinessisfoundwhenwecanovercometheobstaclesandpainthat
lifegivesusandremainintactandinfactstrongerbecauseofthem.Oursenseof
accomplishmenttopersevereandovercomelife'sobstaclesisthegroundworkto
happinesslikenedtoclimbingamountainandfinallyreachingthetop.
Chapter2:OurBrainsandHappiness
Scienceresearchhascomeupwithtwomajorfindingsinrelationshiptoourbrainsand
ouremotions.Thefirstisthatunlikewhatwasthoughtpreviously;itisfoundthat
emotionsdonotcomeforasinglesourcethatemitstheemotionsinthebraintothebody.
Itisfoundthatdifferentemotionsstemfromdifferentsourcesinthebody.
Anothernotedfindwasthatmenandwomen'sactivitypatternsinthebrainandbodyvary
inrelationtotheiremotions.Thesepatternsbetweenmenandwomendonotmirroreach
othertheyaredistinctbasedongender.
Thesethingswerefoundwhenfastimagingwasdoneonvarioussubjectsthatallowedthe
researcherstosnapimageswhendifferentemotionsoccurredinbothmenandwomen.
Theseimageshaveallowedresearcherstodrawnewneurologicalmapsdepicting
emotionalactivity.Previouslyitwasbelievedthatthelimbicsystem,whichisaringof
structuresaroundthebrainstemwastheemotionalcenterforhumans.Thesesnap
imagesshowthatwhenemotionoccursactivityoccursbothinthelimbicsystemand
beyondtootherpartsofthebrainandbody.
Itwasalsonotedthathappinessandsadnessarenotregisteredthesamewayinthebrain.
Bothhaveindependentpatternsofactivitybasedonthosetwodifferentemotions.This
wasaccordingtoareportdoneintheAmericanJournalofPsychiatryinMarch1995.
Becausehappinessandsadnessoccurindifferentpartsofthebrainwehavethecapability
tobehappyandsadatthesametime.Forexample,whenachildleavestogotocollegewe
maybehappytheyreachedthatmilestonebutaresadtoseethemgo.Dr.MarkGeorge,a
psychiatristandneurologistattheNationalInstituteofMentalHealthinBethesda,Md.,
conductedastudyon11subjects.
Whentheyfelthappyhenotedtherewasacharacteristicpatternofdecreasedactivityin
thepartofthebrain;thecerebralcortexwhichistheregionofthebrainweusefor
forethoughtandplanning.Thepartsofthebrainlocatedinthetemporalparietalareaof
thecortex,locatedjustoverandabitbehindtheears,andtherightprefrontallobe,just
behindtheforeheadusedincomplexplanningshutdownwhenwearehappy.
TheDr.alsonotedthatwhenthesamesubjectswhovolunteeredforthisresearchalso
volunteeredtoreceiveinjectionsofcocaineormorphineitprovedapoint.Itshowedthat
whenthedrugswhereintheirsystemsthesameneocorticalareasbecamelessactiveas
well.Inthesecasesthebrainactivitywaslikethatoftransienthappinessrangingto
ecstasy.
Anotherchangenotedinthelimbicsystemwastheamygdala.Thisisapairofalmond
shapedstructuresinthelimbicsystem.Thispartofthelimbicsystemactivatesduring
sadness,butchangeswhenwearehappy.Theleftoneseemstoshutdownalittlewhilethe
rightgoesup.Dr.Georgealsofoundthatmenandwomenprocessemotionsdifferently.
Whenwomenaresadtheirtheanteriorlimbicsystemisactivatedmuchmorethanmen's
are.Alsowomenseemtoexperienceamoreprofoundsadnessthandomen.
Theideaofrewardisanactivebrainprocessthatoccurswhensomethingpleasant
stimulatesus.Thefeelingsofliking,wantingandlearningrewardsareallactivatedin
differentpartsofthebrain.Whenweexperiencepleasureitiscodedbyneuralactivityin
manybrainsitesincludingtheprefrontalcortex,amygdale,thalamus,nucleuscaudatus,
nucleusaccumbensandtheventralpallidum.Againtheregionsthatactinthebraindiffer
partiallybetweenthesexesandsexhormoneswhicharealsoinvolvedintheseprocesses.
Emotionscanbecontributedbytwosources;thechemicalsthebrainproduceandthe
nutritionwetakeintoourbodies.Whenwedon'tgettherightnutritionalintakeiteffects
thechemicalsourbodiesproduceincludingtheonesassociatedwithbeinghappy.The
brainchemicalserotoninisaneurotransmitterorhormonewhichisproducedinthe
brain.Itistheneurotransmittersthatcarrymessagesbetweenthenervecells.The
substancethatproducesserotonininthebrainisanaminoacidtryptophan.
Itiscertainaminosinthebodythatcausesustohaveafeelingofwellbeing.Serotoninis
oncesuchaminoacidthathelpsusmaintainahappyfeeling.Italsohelpsuscontrolour
moodsbyhelpinguswithsleep,anxietyanddepression.Whenourbodiesdon'tproduce
enoughserotoninweexperiencestatesofdepressionandanxiety.
Ithasbeenfoundthatcertainfoodslikebananasandturkeyhaveaspecificproteinwhich
helpsthebodyconvertthemtothechemicalserotonin.Ithasbeenfoundthatpoordiets
docontributetodepressionaseatingjunkfoodbecausetheydonothelpintheproduction
ofserotonin.
Sciencehasnotfiguredoutwhattriggershungerorappetitebuthavenotedthatserotonin
isinvolved.Itisknownthateatingcarbohydratesreleasesthechemicalserotonin.Thats
whyyoufindpeopleeatingsweetsorcarbrichfoodswhentheyaredepressed.
Thereasonisthebodyiscravingthosetoreleasetheserotonintogivewaytoabetter
feelingormood.Manypeoplecomfortthemselveswithsugarandcarbswhentheyaresad
orunderstress.Whenthebrainproducesserotoninthemoodiseased.Itisalsonotedthat
eatingcomplexcarbohydratesproducestryptophaninthebrainwhichalsohasacalming
effect.
Ithasbeenfoundthatproteinproducesalertness.Proteinproducesdopamineand
norepinephrine,whichpromotealertness.Proteinmealscontainingessentialfattyacids
and/orcarbohydratesarerecommendedforincreasedalertness.Salmonandwhitefishare
goodchoices.Avoidfoodshighinsaturatedfats;includingconsumptionoffriedfoods,such
ashamburgersandFrenchfries,leadstosluggishness,slowthinking,andfatigue.Fats
inhibitthesynthesisofneurotransmittersbythebraininthattheycausethebloodcellsto
becomestickyandtoclumptogether.Whenthishappenstheresultispoorcirculation,
especiallyinrelationtothebrain.
Abalanceofchemicalsinthebrainandbodyisachievedwhenthedietcontainsa
combinationofcomplexcarbohydratesandprotein.Soanexampleofabalancedfoodfor
thenutrientsmentionedintheprecedingparagraphswouldbeaturkeysandwichonwhole
wheatbread.Thisisagoodcombinationbecausetheturkeyishighinproteinand
tryptophan,andthewholewheatbreadsuppliescomplexcarbohydrates.
Consumemorecarbohydratesthanproteinifyouarenervousandwishtobecomemore
relaxed.Eatmoreproteinthancarbohydratesifyouaretiredandwishtobecomemore
alert.Adepressedpersonwhoneedshisspiritsliftedwouldbenefitfromeatingfoodslike
turkeyandsalmon,whicharehighintryptophanandprotein.Beware:Thebodywillreact
morequicklytothepresenceofsugarthanitdoestothepresenceofcomplex
carbohydrates.Theincreaseinenergysuppliedbythesimplecarbohydratesisquickly
accompaniedbyfatigueanddepression.Thisiswherethetermsugarrushwascreated
from.
Serotoninmanagementincludesbothdietandpayingattentiontothelittlethingsthat
makeyoufeelgood.Theideaistoconsciouslyincludebothfactorsinyourdailyroutine.We
know,instinctively,thatpamperingourselvesisawaytomakeusfeelgood.Unfortunately
manytimeswedonottaketimetoschedulepleasantthingsintoourdailylives.Thingslike
pleasantsurroundings,favoritemusicandfood,orevenqualitytimewithlovedonesinto
ourdailyagendacanmakethedifferencebetweenfeelingdepressedorfeelinggood.When
wetakethetimetodotheselittlethingsithelpswithourserotoninlevels.Justgettingout
ofbedandintoawarmshowerelevatesserotoninlevels,makingiteasiertogetintoa
positive,constructiveframeofmind.
Generallyspeaking,depressionifitismildenoughcansometimesbemanagedwithout
prescribedmedications.Aerobicexercise,watchingyourcarbohydrate&alcohol
consumption,gettingupearlyandmoving,evenifyoudon'tfeellikeit,forcingstructureon
yourlife,usingmeditationandimagery(ifyoucanconcentrate,whichdependsonhow
depressedyouare),andseekingasupportgrouporpsychotherapy,haveallprovedhelpful
incombatingboutsofunhappiness.
Astudythatisongoingwasconductedbyagroupofpsychologistsusingasurveyon
happiness.Peoplewereaskedtoratetheirlevelsofhappinessfrom0to10.Mostpeople's
levelwereat6.7.Ifsomethingtraumaticorsadhappenedlikeadivorceordeaththepoint
levelwentdownbyoneortwoforatleastayearortwo.Ittookabouttwoyearsforthe
leveltogobackto6.7.Likewisethingslikefallinginloveorwinningthelotterycausedthe
leveltogoupapointortwoforthefollowingyeartotwoyears.Attheend,ofthetwoyears
itwentbackdowntothe6.7again.Theconclusionfromthisstudywasthataslight
increasecouldbesustainedwiththelittledailypleasuresasopposedtobigliveevents.Soif
youdosmallthingseverydaythatmakeyoufeelgoodorhappythenyoucansustainan
overallbetterstateofbeinghappyasopposedtotheonegreateventthatmayoccurnow
andagain.Itsincorporatingthelittlethingsthatyouenjoyinyourdailyroutinethatmakes
thedifferencewithyourstateofhappiness.Forinstanceifyoulikeflowersbuythemonein
awhile.
Takingtimetosmelltheflowersimpliesawillingnesstobespontaneous.Itiseasierfor
somepeopletobemorespontaneousthanothers.
Makeadetailedlistoflittlethingsthatyouenjoyandincludetheminyouractivities.
Actuallyscheduleatimeofdaytogoforawalk,createorlistentoyourfavoritemusic,read
apoem,meditate,spendqualitytimewithfamilyandfriends,paint,exercise,orjustplay.
Makeapactwithyourselftotryit,justforafewweeks,thenseeifyouroverallwellbeing
isnotimproved.
Whenourserotoninlevelsarelowweexperiencedepressionandsadness.Somepeople
haveclinicalreasonsforserotoninlevelsbeinglowandwhenmedicallydiagnoseditis
treatedwithvariousmedicationslikeantidepressants.Therearetimeswhenserotonin
levelsmaybelowduetochemicalimbalancesandhormonalreasons.Thesetooaretreated
withmedicationwithdoctorsupervision.
Manytimesthebodycravescarbohydratesandsugarwhentheserotoninlevelsinour
bodiesarelow.Thisisbecausetheyboostthelevelsinourbloodwhenweeatthem.It
suggestedifyoufeelthesugarcravingstousehealthycarbohydratealternativesasaway
toboostyourserotoninlevelswithoutaddingonthecalories.
Chapter3:WhatMakesUsHappy
FromdoingresearchforthefirsttwochaptersofthisbookIthinkitissafetosaythat
happinessisastateofmindthatthebodyreinforces.Happinessissubjectiveeventhough
therearesomegeneralidealsthateveryoneontheplanetshareastowhatisconstitutedas
happiness.
Thequestionthenbecomesisthereaoneshoefitsallformulaforattaininghappiness.I
wouldthinkthatbecausehappinessmeansdifferentthingstodifferentpeopletheformula
canbeappliedbuttheresultsmayvaryaccordingtoone'sdefinitionofwhathappinessis
perceivedbythem.
Itisalsoafactorthatourtemperaments,personalitiesandevensomegeneticfactors
(whichgiveusapredispositiontohappinessordepression)allgointoourmakingofwhat
weperceivehappinesstobe.Circumstanceswecontrolplayabout10to15percentofthe
equationofmakingushappy.Those10to15percentincludeeconomics,education,looks,
andthosekindofthings.Thesearethingswehavesomekindofcontroloverevenifit's
notcomplete.
It'squiteobviousthatpeoplewithmoneyseemtobehappierbecausetheyhavemore
timetodothingsthatmakethemhappy.Theydonothavetoworryaboutmoneytopayfor
thingsoractivitiestomakethemhappyortheirdailynecessitiesforsurvival.Theydon't
havetoworryaboutkeepingaroofovertheirheads,feedingthemselvesorafamilyand
havingwarmclothesinthewinter.
Povertyisnotasourceofhappinessbyanymeans.Butontheotherhandmoneyaloneis
notenoughtomakeapersonhappy.Caseinpoint,lookatalltherichpeoplewhoturnto
drugsandalcoholtocreateandkeepthehappymoodgoing.Manyofthepeopleinthis
categorydonothavewhattheyconsideralovingrelationship.Youcannotbuyreal
friendshipsorreallovewithadollar.
Thereareacrosstheboardtriggersthatmakeeveryonehappy.Thosethingsincludebeing
inloveandsexanddoingactivitieslikelisteningtoyourfavoritemusic.Thingslike
watchingafunnymovie,doingafunactivitymakesonehappyatthemomentbutitisn't
longlasting.
Basedonstudiesinordertoturnthat10to15%intoyourfavoritissuggestedthat
developinggoodsocialskills,gettingmarriedorcohabituating,andpursuinggoalsthatone
findspurposefulfortheirlifealladdstothe10to15percentofincreasingone's
happiness.
Goodsocialskillscreatesfriendshipsandbonds.Itisfoundthatmarriedcoupleswholove
eachotherhave30percentmoresexthatispleasingandofqualitythansinglepeople.
Livingtogetherfallsintothiscategoryiftherelationshipislovingandcommitted.When
onefeelstheirlifehasmeaningtothemselvesandtheworldtheyfeelgoodabout
themselvesandabouthowothersperceivethem.Onceagainenjoyingthelittlethingsin
lifealsoplaysabigpartinhappinessdaytoday.Alwaystryingtocreateandmaintain
positivitygoesalongwaytohappinessasopposedtoboutsofbeingpleasantonceina
while.
Thefirstthingthatpositivitypsychologyaswellasthegurusofhappinessespouseisthe
ideaofgratitudeaspartofthehappinessequation.Weneedtobehappyforwhatwe
alreadyhave.Mostpeopleareconsumedwithbeingsadoverwhattheydonothave,
insteadofgivingthanksforwhattheydohavealready.Whenwehavegratitudeasatoolit
helpsaffirmthelittlespecksofgoodnessthatwedoaccumulateinourlives.
Thenextthinginthehappinessequationistheimportanceofrelationships.Wearesocial
creaturesbynature.Thosethataren'tmayhaveexperiencedthingsthatmakethemnotso
openedorturnedofftoothers.Inthatcasetheywereemotionallyscarredinsomeway.
Theneedtobondandinteractwithotherlikebeingsisacharacteristicthathuman
beingscarrysinceprehistorictimes.Ittookpeopleworkingtogetherandformingfamily
unitsinthecavestosurvive.
Peopleneedpeopleintheirlivestofeellovedandcaredfor..Whensomeonecaresforus
andwecarefortheminturnitputsusinagoodframeofmind.Whenweareinaloving
relationshipthatgivesusnurturingandsupportitputsusinahappystateofmind.Giving
andreceivingloveisveryimportantforthehappinessequation.Formeitisthemost
important.
It'simportanttofocusonourstrengthsasapersonasopposedtodwellingonour
weaknessesinordertobehappywithourselves.Whenweconsumeourselveswithwhat
iswrongwithusitimmobilizesus.Whenwethinkwedon'tmakethegradeoraren'tgood
enoughwearefilledwithsadnessanddepression.
Itsrecommendedforyoutolaughatyourweaknessesinsteadofcryaboutthem.More
importantfocusonthosepartsofyouthatarestrongandcapable.Keepinmindthatno
oneisperfecteveniftheyareperceivedtobe.
Whenyoustartappreciatingthosethingsthatarepositiveaboutyourselfitreinforces
yourstateofbeinginapositivefashionmakingiteasierforhappinesscomeintoyourlife.
Hereisalistof10thingsPsychiatristssaymakesushappy:
1. AsItwaspointedout(scienceagrees)savoreachmomentthatisenjoyable.Ithelps
reduceoveralldepressionwhenwethinkbacktothathappymoment.Ithelps
createmoreserotoninthechemicalthatkeepsusinagoodmood.
2. AvoidComparisons
Tryingtokeepupwithotherpeoplethatwethinkhaveitallcanbehardwhenwedon't
havewhattheydo.OurcountryandtheAmericanMysticisverydominatedbywhohas
andwhodoesn't.Thisdestroysmoralandesteem.Focusonwhatyouaccomplishandhave
inyourlifeanddon'tworryaboutwhatothershave.
3. Warning*Don'tMakeMoneyaPriority.
Yesweallneedmoneytosurviveandnoonewantstobepoor.Wegetthat.Butthosethat
putithighontheirlistofprioritiesaretheonespronetolowesteem,depression,anxiety
andfear.Moneyisnecessaryforsurvivalinoursocietybutitshouldnotbeagaugefor
happiness.Themorewelookforsatisfactioninmaterialthingstheshortertheenjoyment
is.Weshouldnotbecomedefinedbythingswehaveinsteadofwhoweareinside.
Researchhasalsoshowedthatmoneyseekersalsoscoredloweronvitalityandself
actualizationtests.
4. HaveMeaningfulGoals
Whenwestriveforcertainthingsitgivesusasenseofpurpose.Researchhasalso
shownthatpeopleneedasenseofpurposetothrive.Justexistingcreates
depressionandsadnessbecauseapersonfeelsliketheyhavenopurposeinlifeor
reasontolive.Harvardsresidenthappinessprofessor,TalBenShahar,agrees,
Happinessliesattheintersectionbetweenpleasureandmeaning.Whetheratwork
orathome,thegoalistoengageinactivitiesthatarebothpersonallysignificantand
enjoyable.
5.TakingInitiative
Whenonetakesinitiativeatplaceslikeworkitmakestheexperiencemoremeaningful
andpleasant.Oneofthemajorsourcesofunhappinessanddepressionispeoplehating
theirjobs.Whenwefeelincontrolandrewardedforoureffortsitmakesforahappier
experience.
6.FriendsandFamily
Peoplewhoarehappierhavegoodfriendsandalovingfamily.Thisdoesnotincludebeing
thelifeofthepartywithshallowacquaintances.Thisisdeepsupportivemeaningful
relationshipswhichareanintegrativepartofone'slife.It'snotjusthavingacquaintance
relationshipsorfriendsthat'sthesourceofhappiness.Itshavingclose,meaningfuland
lovingtiesbetweenpeoplewhotrulycareforoneanotherthatmakesforhappiness.
7.Smile
Smilinggoesalongwayevenwhenyoudon'tfeellikeit.Itmakesyoustarttoappreciate
theglassbeinghalffullasopposedtohalfempty.
8. SayThankyoulikeyoumeanit
Thisgoesbacktotheideaofgratitude.Showinggratitudegenerateshappinessforboth
parties.ResearchbyMartinSeligman,founderofpositivepsychology,revealedthatpeople
whowritegratitudeletterstosomeonewhomadeadifferenceintheirlivesscorehigher
onhappiness,andlowerondepressionandtheeffectlastsforweeks.Italsoshowedpeople
whoexpressedgratitudeweremorelikelytosucceedinlife.
9.ManystudiesandresearchshowsExercisehelpswithdepression.Itbooststhefeel
goodendorphinsbiochemicallyandgiveyouasenseofaccomplishment.
10.Helpothers
Helpingothersisveryrewardingandgiveshappiness.Whenyougivehappinessyou
receivehappiness.Thisincludeslisteningtoothers,passingonknowledgeandforgiveness.
FinallyRespectisanotherkeyfactoracrosstheboardthecreateshappiness.Whenwefeel
respectedwearehappy,whenwerespectotherstheyrespectus.Happinessisatwoway
streetwhenwemakeothershappytheyreturnitinkind.
Chapter4:FindingPeaceFromWithinHowTo
CreateHappiness
It'ssafetosaythatwhenwefeelatpeaceitseasierforustoalsostarttofeelhappiness.
Oursocietydoesnotpromotenorsupportourlivestobeinastateofpeace.Everythingwe
dohaseitherpressureortensionattachedtoitinsomeform.
Accordingtothedictionaryinternalmeanshavingtodoorsituateinsidethebody;and
alsorelatingto,orinsidethemind.Peaceisdefinedinthedictionaryasastateofcalmand
quiet;freedomfromdisturbingthoughts;andanagreementtoendhostilities.So,inthe
realworldmanytimeswedonothavepeace.Instead,maybeforsomeuptoafewtimesa
daywehavetofighttheonslaughtofanger,hostilityandpowergameswhichare
integratedintotheAmericanlifestyle.
Unfortunatelymanypeoplegaugethesuccessoftheirexistencebyutilizingthesethings
mentionedaboveasameansofsurvivalinthisworld.Theyfindthemselvesusinghostility,
angerandpowergamestofeelsuccessfulintheirdailyendeavorsorevenworse,are
victimsofthesethingseverydayalldaylong.Sotherecomesapointwhenweare
saturatedbythenegativefeelingsandenergythatwelosefocusofwhatitmeanstohave
peaceinourlives.
Ideallytohavehappinessonewouldthinkyouneedtobefreefromanger,hostilityand
powergamesconstantlybombardingyou.Soinordertoachievethiswiththosethings
goingonaroundyou;youhavetolearnhowtofindpeacewithinyourself.Inordertodoso
youhavetocombineallyourthoughtsandfeelingsintoonestateofbeingthatcreates
tranquilityandharmonyforyouwhenyouneedit.
Oneeffectivewaytodothisishonoryouremotionsevenwhentheyarenotproductiveand
thenacknowledgethemandfinallyletthemgosoyoucanmoveontoapeacefulstate.So
manytimespeoplekeeptheirhostileandangryemotionsrepressed.Whathappensis
theseemotionsseeptothesurfaceanywayinbehaviorthat'slessthanhumanlyacceptable
asanoutletforthoseemotions.
Onehastofindawaytoexpresstheseemotionsinappropriatewayssotheycanbe
releasedfromoursystemsconstructively.Thisiswhatgiveswaytoinnerpeace.
Herearesomestepsyoucanusetoconstructivelyreleasenotsopeacefulemotions:
1. YouneedtolistentoyourselfThismeansgetintouchwithyouremotionsand
knowhowyouarefeeling.Thereasonweflyoffthehandlesooftenisthatwedeny
thefeelingsofanger,resentmentandrage.BysayingtoyourselfyesIamangryor
betteryetoutloudithelpsdissipatethefeelingsyouareholding.Whenyou
suppressnegativefeelingsyouriskthepossibilityofharboringrealoutofcontrol
anger.Whenangerisuncontrollablewebecomeconsumedbyit.Thistypeofanger
canevenbedangerousfornotreleasingitconstructively.Whenweflipoutmany
timesitsduetofeelingswedidn'tevenknowwehadinside.Itsalsobecausewe
refusetoacceptthosefeelingsandthoughtsconsciouslynotallowingourselvesto
expressthemkeepingthembottledupinside.That'swhypeoplewhodon'texpress
themselvesinsomeformintermsofapositivereleaseevenifthefeelingsaren'tare
timebombswaitingtoexplode.
2. AcceptresponsibilityforyourfeelingsIfyouareangrywithsomeonedon't
blamethem.Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingresponsibilityfortheangeryoufeel
towardssomeone.Thedifferenceisifyoustarttotakeresponsibilityforyour
feelingseveniftheyarenegative.Forinstanceyoucansayoutloud;Iamtaking
responsibilitytorespondtothefactthatIdon'tlikethewayyoutalktomeas
opposedtoyouaremakingmeangryWhenyouusethesecondstatementyouare
givingothersthepowertocontrolyouremotions.Takingcontrolofyournegative
emotionsandowningthemisnoteasytodo.Itdoestakepractice.Keepinmind
whenyoublameothersallthetimeforyourfeelingsyoureallyviewyourselfasa
victim.Thisisbecauseinyourmindtheyaredoingthingstoyoutomakeyouact
incertainwayinsteadofactinghowyouwanttobasedontheirtreatmentofyouor
yoursituation.WhenyousayIamnotgoingtobeavictimofanyonethenyoustart
toactdifferently.
3. TalkaboutyourfeelingsFindaclosefriendorsomeoneyoutrusttoexpressyour
pentupemotionswith.Ifyoufeeltheyaretoopersonalforevenyourclosepeople
thenyoumaydecidetospeaktoaprofessionalabouttheminsteadwhichisOkay
also.
4. AcceptyourselfWhenyouacceptyourselfwithallyourweaknessesandflawsyou
canalsoacceptyourstrengths.Nooneisperfectandwhenyouacceptallofyou,you
willstarttofeelpeace.
5. StopconstantlyjudgingyourselfWhenyoujudgeyourselfyouaresettingyourself
uptofeelyouarenotgoodenough.Constantlyselfcriticizingyourselfmeansyou
thinkyouhavetobeperfectandifyouaren'tyouarenotworthy.Whenyougetinto
thisframeofmindyouwillnevermakepeacewithyourself.Youwillneverhave
peaceeitheraroundyoubecauseyouwillneverbesatisfiedandfeelyouarealways
fallingshortofwhat'sexpectedofyou.
6. LetgoofthepastAcceptallthathashappenedinyourlifeembraceitandthenlet
itgo.Thepastisover.Relivingthepastorconstantlytryingtorecreatethepastdoes
notmakewaytoafutureforyourself.Ifyourpastwassoterribleandyoucannot
forgivethosethathaveviolatedyou,forgiveyourselfforbeinginthatsituationand
letthosepeopleandexperiencesdie.Whensomeoneisdeadtheyaregoneonceand
forallandyoucanfindpeacetheywillneverhurtyouagain.Youcanthenstartto
healthehurtandfindpeaceforyourself.
6.PracticegratitudeBegratefulforallthethingsyoudohaveinyourlifeandaboutthe
thingsinyourselfthataregood.Whenwepayattentiontothethingsthataregoodand
givethanksforthemitincreasesourthoughtsandenergies.Beingthankfulforwhatever
goodwehaveinourlifehelpscreateasenseofpeace,loveandevenabundancewhichare
allthingsthatpromoteinnerpeaceaswell.
7. LearningtorelaxWeallneedtimeout.Ithelpsmaintainourbalanceand
harmony.Dowhateveryouneedtodothatmakesyourelaxdaily.Differentpeople
relaxindifferentways.Someexercise,someread,somemeditate.Whateverittakes
tounwindtakeeven10minutesadayforyourself.
Finallyifyouhavetroubleexpressingyourfeelingsverbally,writethemdown.Youcansay
whatyouwantthiswayfreelywithoutworryingaboutwhowillhearit.Studiesshowthat
peoplewhowritetheirfeelingsareabletoletthingsgoandmoveonbetterthanthosewho
can'texpressthemselves.
Lifeisnotgoodwhenwedonotfindpeacewithinourselves.Theysaymoneycanevenbuy
sexasphysicallovebutitcannotbuypeacewithinourselves.Inordertofindpeaceyou
havetolivebypeacefulrules.AsIdidmyresearchonfindinginnerpeaceIcameacross
somerulesofpeacetolivebythatIthoughtwereuseful.
1. Thefirstruleofpeaceistoacceptthatmostpeopledonotcareaboutlivingby
peace.Lookatthegovernmentsintheworldandhowtheyconducttheirpeace
keepingtechniques.Theyclaimtheyarecreatingandmaintainingpeacethrough
war.
Thefirststepofincorporatingpeaceintoyourlifeistoactuallybehonesttoyourselfin
claimingthatyouareapeacefulperson.Doesyourbehaviorpromotepeace.Youhaveto
acknowledgethatyourbehaviorintheworldandtoothersmaynotcreateapeacefulway
betweenpeopleifitdoesn't.Ifyoudothisfirstyoucanthenunderstandwhatitistobe
peacefulinstead.Yourbehaviormayactuallyencouragehostility,angerandresentment
whichallcatalystsforwar.
Ifyoucan'tseeyourcontributiontothecreatingofnonpeacefulwaysthenyouarean
offenderofcreatingturmoil.Ifyouwantpeaceyouhavetopromotepeace.
Rule#2Knowthatthereisnopeacefortheoffenderandpromoterofwars.Warcanbeas
simpleasconstantlyattackingsomeoneyouassumeisweakerthanyouverbally.It'safact
thatweshouldacknowledgethatsomepeoplearejustplainevilandcannotbechanged.
Oncethatisunderstoodthenyouarejustasbadastheoffenderwhenyoucondonetheir
behavior.Ifyougoalongwithsomeonewhobehavesinanoffensiveoraggressiveway
thenyouaresupportingtheirbehaviorandarenotpromotingpeace.
Whenthereisconflictpeaceisobtainedwhenthegrievancesonbothsidesarefeltthey
aremet.Ifyouseethereisanaggressorinyourlifethenyouneedtositdownwiththis
personandtalktothemseriously.Haveaonetoonewiththemtoletthemknowthat
theirbehaviorisnotacceptable.Pointouttheyarecreatinghostilityandangerwhichis
goingtogetthemintoawarwithyouoranotherunnecessarily.
Inordertohavepeaceyouandthosearoundyouhavetoreallyagreethatyouaregoingto
conductlivingyourlifepeacefully.Iftheycan'tadheretothatthentheyneedtomoveonto
otherswhosharetheirsamementalityofviolatingpeacefulenergy.
Liarsdonotpromotepeace.Theypretendtohonorthepeacetreatybutdonotinreality.So
tellthemiftheyintendnottokeeptheirwordthatyouneedtonotdealwiththemunless
absolutelynecessarylikeatajobonly.Therewillbenopersonalinteractionotherwise.
3. Thereisnocompromisingbetweengoodandevilintentions.Ifyougiveintoevil
youwillnotbehappy.Thatmeansifyougiveintobullyingorbecomingabullyyou
willnothavepeace.Theunderdogalwaysfightsevenifitspassiveforitsfreedom.
4.Inordertohavepeacethatwhichyouconsiderevil,wrongorharmfulhastobe
destroyedforyouinyourlife.Wheneveryoufeellikeyouhavetomakeadealwith
somethingorsomeonethatgoesagainstyourgrain;itwillalwaysbeasourceof
disharmonyandyouwillneverfindpeacethatway.
Findingpeacewithinourselvesintoday'sworldtakesalotofwork.It'snotaseasyas
peoplewouldlikeyoutothink.Inaworldthatdoesnotpromotepeacewehavetoreally
searchdeepwithinourselvestofindthatplaceinusthatispeaceful.
Hereisanexercisetohelpyoulearnhowtoletgoofwhateverispreventingyoufrom
findingpeaceinsideofyourself.
1. Onapieceofpaperwritedownfivethingsthatyoufeelarepreventingyoufrom
findingpeaceinyourmind.Thesethingsmayincludeoldhurts,fears,lossand
stresses.Putnexttoeachthingyouwrotewhoisbeingeffectedthemostbythese
things.Mostlikelyyouwillfindthatitisyouwhoistheonethatisaffectedbywhat
youwrotedown.
2. Onthatlistlookatwhereyouputyourselfastheonethatwasaffectedbythething
onthelist.Thinkabouteachthingonthelistthathaseffectedyouforthenext5
minutes.Embracethehurtandpainitcauses.Lookatyoursituationtoseeif
anythinghaschanged.ThenconsciouslysayIreleasemyselffromit(whateverit
is)"
3. Thisprocessdoesnotreleasethingsrightawayittakeswork.Youmayhavetowrite
alisteverydayuntilyoufinallystarttoreallyletgoofwhat'sonthatlist.Inthe
processoflettinggoitdoesmakeyouawareofwhatisblockingyourinnerpeaceso
youcanworkonit.Keepinmindtoreleasesomethingyouhavetochangeyour
mindset.Askyourselfwhenyouaretryingtochangeyourmindset,whoelseis
losingsleeporsufferingfromwhatistakingpeacefromyou.Manytimestherewon't
beanyoneelse.Thisisreallythefirststepinlettinggo;whenyoubegintorealize
youaretheonlyonecryingoverwhatisbotheringyou.Giveyourselfpermissionto
stopfeelingbadsoyoucanmoveon.
4. Nowchangeyourthoughtstosomethingpleasant.Forexampleyoucanthinkabout
redecoratingaroomandmoneyisnoobjector(thisworksformen)thecarofyour
dreams.Thistrainsyourmindtoshiftfromwhatisbotheringyoutomoving
forward.
5. Asyoudotheselittleexercisesdailyyouwillseethatyouwillhavelessofthese
feelingbadepisodes.Youwillnoticethatmoretimewillpassinbetweentheperiods
whenyoudofeelupsetfromthosethingsthattookyoufromfeelingpeaceful.Putup
stickynotesifyouhavetowithpositivereinforcements.
6. Onceamonthreviewthelistandcheckoffthosethingsyouhavemovedonfrom.It
doesn'tmeanyouhaveforgottenthem.Itmeansthatitnolongerconsumesyouand
youcancometotermswiththem.Thisisthemainstepinfindinginnerpeace.
LastlyFindsomethingorsomeoneyoulovetofocusonwhenthenegativitystartstocreep
up.Thereisnothingbettertohealthosenegativeanduppeacefulthoughtsthenlove.It
canbealovedoneorevenahobbybutlovingsomethingwilltaketheplaceofthepain
eventuallysoyoucanmoveonandfindasenseofpeace
Chapter5:Happiness,Sex,andMoney
Therearealwaysanalogiesdrawnbetweenhappinessandsexandmoney.Theysayyou
canbuysexbutyoucannotbuylove.Therewasastudydoneinrelationtoincome,sexand
happiness.Itusedrandomsamplingof16000AdultAmericans.Thepaperconcludesthere
isastrongcorrelationbetweensexandhappiness.Italsosignifiedthatgreaterincomedid
notnecessarilymeanmoresexormoresexualpartners.Moreincomedidnotbuyeither.
ThetypicalaverageAmericanhassexualintercourse2to3timesamonth.Alsoitis
marriedpeoplewhohavemoresexasopposedtothosewhoaresingle,divorced,
separatedorwidowed.
AnotherinterestingfindinthisstudywhichwastitledSex,MoneyandHappiness:An
EmpiricalStudyconductedbyDavidG.BlanchflowerandAndrewJ.OswaldoftheNational
BureauofEconomicResearchpaper#10499IssuedinMay2004;alsofoundacorrelation
betweeneducationandsex.Thehappinessofpeoplewithhighereducationlevelswas
affectedmuchmoregreatlythanthosewithlowereducationallevelsintermsofsex.Also
thenumberofpartnersthatcreatedamaximumofhappinessinthatstudywasone.
Itwasalsonotedthathighereducatedfemaleshadfewerpartnersthanthosethatweren't
aseducatedingeneralasasexualhistory.Thesamestudyalsoconcludedthatincreasing
theamountofsexfromonceamonthtoonceaweekincreasedthehappinessleveltothe
equivalentofgettinga50,000dollarayearraise.Youdothemathonthehappinesslevel
thatsexcanthusbringtoaperson.
Withthesethingsinmindwecansaythatsexmakespeoplehappierthanmoney.Thisis
nottosaythathavingmoremoneywhichultimatelymakeslifeeasierdoesn'tmakeus
happyeither.Whatitissayingisthatmoneymaybringacertainamountofhappinessto
theequationofone'slifebutitisnotincomparisontoastrongsexlifewithonepartner.
Whatwasalsointerestingisthatthestudydispelledthemyththatifyouhavemoremoney
yougetmoresex.Therewasnoindicationthatthemoremoneyyouhavethemoresex
youget.Whatwasfoundisthatusuallyhighereducatedpeopledomakemoremoney;and
sexdoesseemtohaveahappiereffectontheeducatedasopposedtothosewhoaren't.It
isageneralconsensusthatthemoreeducationyouhavethemoreincomeyoudo
generate.
Thehappiestandonesgettingmoresexarethosethatarehappyintheirmarriagesbyas
muchas30percentmore,evenoversinglepeople.Theeconomistsestimatethatahappy
marriageisonethatislastingandgeneratestheequivalentof$100,000dollarsayearof
happiness.Divorceontheotherhanddepleteshappinessby$66,000dollarsannually.
Whatallthismeansisthatpeoplewhogetmoresexonaregularbasisarericherin
happiness.
LikewisetherewasastudydoneMay2001issueofJournalOfSexualResearchinwhich
GeorgiaUniversityStateResearchersfoundpeoplewhowereinvoluntarilycelibate
frequentlyhadunhappyfeelings.Themanfeelingswereanger,frustration,selfdoubtand
depression.Theconclusionsofthestudywasthatthesefeelingsweregeneratedbythe
missingofhavingsexintheirlives.Itseemssexandaperson'spsychefeedoffofone
another.
Anotherinterestingthingisthatitappearsthatthemalesspermhasanantidepressive
effectonfemales.TherewasastudydonebyapsychologistnamedGordonGallupPhD.He
notedthatwomenwhohadunprotectedsexhadlowerlevelsofdepressionthanthosethat
usedcondoms.Therewasafollowuptothestudyanditalsonotedthatwomenwho
stoppedhavingsexthatwerenotusingcondomsgotdepressedmorethanwomenwho
stoppedhavingsexwithcondomsaswell.
Itwasalsonotedthatwomenwhodonotusecondomsarepreytotherebound
relationshipsbecausetheyaregoingthroughatypeofsexualwithdrawalbecauseofnon
condomsex.
Whethersexiswithacondomornottherearefeelgoodendorphinsthatarereleased
duringsexandorgasms.Theendorphinswhicharethebrainsnaturalpainkillersandfeel
gooddrugswearoffinaboutanhour.Beingreceptivetotouchalsomakesforhappier
peopleallaround.Peoplewhoarelessdepressedandexperiencelessanxietyintheirlives
areonesthathavephysicalcontactwithotherpeople.
Touchisjustascrucialinthehappyequation.Itissaidit'sgoodtohaveaminimumof4
hugsaday.Oldpeopletendtodiequickerbecausetheydon'thavepeoplethattouchthem
physicallyintheirlivesmanytimes.Babiesdiewithouttouch.
Theseareotherfactorstoconsiderinthehappinessandsexequation.It'sjustnotthesex
itstheyqualityincludingthetypeoftouching.Peoplethatengageinforeplaytendtoenjoy
thesexualexperiencemuchmorethanthosethatdon't.Italsocreatesalevelofintimacy
thatjustintercoursealonedoesn't.
Manytimesemptysexwithoutloveleavesapersonfeelingworsethanwithoutthesex.
Goodsexisbasedonmutualtrustbetweentwoconsentingpeople.Trustisbuiltonlove.If
loveisn'tintheequationtherelationshipdoesnotlastusuallyverylongandneitherparty
willultimatelybehappyinthelongrun.
Sexualcompatibilityisalsoafactorforhappiness.Twopeoplehavetobeonthesamepage
tohaveafulfillingsexualrelationship.Thisiswherethehappinesscomesin.They
understandeachother'sneedsandknowhowtofulfilloneanothertomaintainthe
happiness.Itisprettysafetosaythatanyoneishappywhentheyhaveloveandgoodsex
togetherinonerelationshipintheirlives.
Chapter6:HowToHaveAHappyRelationship
Allpeoplewhethertheyadmititornotwanttobeinorhaveahappyrelationshipwith
someone.Thismeansarelationshipthatworkswithsomeoneandthriveswiththeperson.
Tomakeagoodrelationshipthatishappy;bothpartieshavetobewillingtogothatextra
mile.
Whenyoumeetsomeoneandyouaremutuallyattractedandstartanewrelationship
everythingseemsgoodinthebeginning.Manytimesasrelationshipswearon,thetwo
peoplestarttotakeeachotherforgranted.
Thetruthisonceyougetthepersonofyourinterestandyoutwoaretogether;tryingto
impressthemfades.Astherelationshipchangesandbecomesfamiliaritbringswithita
senseofsecurityandfamiliarity.Themoreyougettoknowtheotherpersonthemore
relaxedtherelationshipbecomes.
Youstopbeingonyourbestbehaviorbecauseyoudon'tfeellikeyouneedtotryandget
thepersonanymore.Itsofficialyouaretogether.
Nowwhathappensistheeccentricitiesandquirksstarttocomeout.Youstarttorealize
thateverythingthatyourpartnerdoesisnotcuteanymore.Alsowhatyouwroteoffas
cutebehaviorbeforewiththatpersonisnowannoying.Yourrelationshipatthispointalso
startstofallintoaroutine.
Weallknowthatnotallrelationshipsarenotmeanttolast.Theyareapartofourgrowth
anddevelopment.Withthosetypesofrelationshipswemoveonuntilwefindsomeone
thatclicksinallthewaysarelationshipneedstoinordertobehappy.Ifyoufeelyoumet
therightoneandareinitforthelonghaultherearesomethingsthatyoucandotoavoid
thepitfallsthatmakerelationshipsunhappy.
Thefirstthingyouhavetorememberisrespectandaffectionareveryimportantinagood
relationship.Ittakestwotomakearelationshipwork.Itcannotbeanalltakeorallgiveon
onesidewhentherearetwopeople.
TherehastobeMutualunderstandingaswellascompatibility.Youbothshouldsharethe
samevisionastowhereyoubothwanttherelationshiptobeandwhereyouwantittogo.
Youhavetoworkasateam.Thisdoesn'tmeanthatyouwon'thavedifferentinterestsfrom
eachother.There'snothingwrongwithpeopleinarelationshiphavingdifferentinterests
butyoualwayscomebackafterthetimeapartanddothingsasateam.
Theteamshouldalsocomefirstbeforetheotherinterestsorpeopleinyourlife.Ifyour
interestsaren'tsomethingyourpartnercaresfor;discusswhatyourplansareinregardsto
anactivityconcerningyourinterest.Alwaysremembertoincludetheminyourplanseven
iftheydeclinetheinvite.Iftheydeclinethenaskthemifit'sokwhenyouplantodoyour
activity.
Alwaysletthemfeeltheyarepartofyourlife.Ifyouliketogotoanexerciseclassbutyour
partnerdoesn't,letthempickyouupafteriftheywantto.Thiswaytheydon'tfeellikeyou
areexcludingthemfromyouractivities.Resentmentandinsecuritymanytimescreepsin
relationshipswhenapersonfeelsliketheyarebeingleftinthedarkorleftoutoftheir
partnerslifeinsomeway.
Manypeopleforgetthattheirpartnershouldbeactuallytheirbestfriendandnottreat
themasanyless.Relationshipsfailbecausepeopledonotdothis.Theyputtheirfriends
aheadoftheirrelationshipwhichisanono.Yourpartnerwillbeinsituationsinyourlife
whereyourfriendwouldnotberememberthat.
Everyrelationshipisuniqueanddifferent.Butyouknowyouareinahappyoneif:
1.Youcanlaughandenjoyeachother'scompany
2.FeelSafeandSupported
3.ProvideSafetyandsupportforeachother
4.Shareyourfeelingsandideas
5.RespectEachother
6.Prefereachother'scompanytofriends
It'salwaysbesttobehonestinarelationship.Honestycreatestrust.Asyouspendmore
timewithsomeonethetrustlevelincreasesasthehonestyismaintained.Noonelikes
someonewholiestothem.Alotofrelationshipsfailbecauseoneofthepartiesliestothe
other.Thisisparticularlytrueifthepersoniscompulsivewiththelying.
Thisiswheretheideaofcommunicationcomesin.Youhavetokeepthelinesof
communicationopenedbetweenthetwoofyou.Thismeanstalkingaboutfeelings,what's
goingoninyourownlifeandwhat'shappeninginyourlivestogether.Youshouldtalk
freelyandopenlyallthetime.
Whenpeoplesharetheirfeelingsandopinionswithoneanothertheygetabettersenseof
eachperson'spersonalityaswellastheirlikesanddislikes.Thisisalsoawaytoworkout
anykinksthatmayarise.Italsoletsyouseewhateachotherwantsfromtherelationshipas
wellasoneanother.
Anotherimportantthingtorememberinahappyrelationshipistolistentoeachother.
Nothingisworsewhenyouaretalkingtosomeoneandtheyarenotpayingattentiontoa
wordyouhavesaid.
Thisisalsopartofgoodcommunication.Ifpossiblepracticeactivelisteninginsteadof
passivelistening.Manyanargumenthastakenplacebetweencoupleswhenoneaccuses
theotherofnotlistening.
Activelisteningmeansstoppingeverythingelseoneisdoingtolisten.Wecan'talwaysdo
thisbutit'sgoodtotrywhenweareableto.IfyouarewatchingTVturnitoff.Tryandlook
attheperson.Don'tanticipatewhattheyaregoingtotellyou.Hereisafewthingstokeep
inmindsoyoucanbeagoodlistener.
1.NoPassingjudgmentLetthepersonsaywhat'sontheirmindbeforeyoucondemn
them
2.InterruptingNothingisruderthantointerruptsomeonewhoispouringtheirfeelings
outtoyou
3.CriticizingThebestwaytostopsomeonefromexpressingtheirfeelingsbytalkingto
youistocriticizethemwhiletheyaredoingso.Letthemfinishandthendependingon
whatwassaidrespond.
5.Givingadvice(unlessit'saskedfor)Sometimespeoplewanttojustgetthingsofftheir
chestandmaynotbelookingforadvice,inthiscasedon'tgiveittothemunlesstheyask
forit.
Whenyoudothisthepersontalkingfeelslikeyouarelettingthemgetwhateverythey
needtosayacross.Whentheyfinishyoucanrespondinkind.Thecommunicationshould
notstopifyouaremadorangryeither.Ifit'shardforyoubecauseyougetmadthentell
thepersonyouareangrywiththemorsadwiththemandwhyatthetimeyoufeelthat
way.Thiswayneitheroneendsupharboringresentment.
Thisalsogoesintolearninghowtofightfairly.Norelationshipisperfect.peopledisagree
andfightwitheachother;butthereisawaytodoit.Fightingisactuallyhealthyifit'sdone
constructively.Butifyoukeepfightingoverthesamethingsthenthereissomething
wrong.Thisindicatesanunresolvedissueandneedstobehandledeffectively.
Whenyougetmadyoudon'twanttoputyourpartneronthedefense.Infightingfairyou
needtorealizethatyourpartnerisn'tyourenemy.Youmaynotliketheirbehaviorbutyou
arewiththembecauseyouloveandcareforthem.Whenyouareangry,insteadofsaying
tothemYoudidthis,orYoudidthatuseIdidnotlike,orIfelthurtwhenyou....Start
withyoufirstandhowitaffectedyou.Thiswilldisarmtheotherpersonandgetthemto
listentoyourgrievance.
Fightingfairlyalsomeansbeingspecificabouttheissueyouarefightingabout.For
exampleifyouareannoyedthathedidn'tdoachoredon'tbringupeverythingyoudon't
likethathedoesn'tdointhehouse.Justthatchoreifthat'swhattheargumentisabout.It's
easiertoresolveaproblemifyouarespecificaboutit.
Thisaddressestheimmediateproblemratherthanthrowinginallthethingsthatbugyou
foranargumentspecificallyaboutoneissue.Youhavetokeepthefightrelativetothe
currentissueathandandnotbringinguppreviousincidentseither.
Ifyouconstantlyrehashthepastyouwillnotmoveforward.Yourpartnercan'tchangethe
past.Theycanonlyrectifythecurrentsituation.Alsotryandnotusestatementsthatyou
knowwillhurtyourpartnerintentionally.Finallykissandmakeup,moveon.
Thisbringsustoagreeingtodisagree.It'sokayforyoutohaveapartnerthathasdifferent
opinionsthatyoudo.Theymayalsohavedifferentideasonthingsandinterestsallthatis
wellandgood.Thatactuallymightbewhatattractedyoutotheminthefirstplace.
Respecttheirrighttoanopinionbutyoudonothavetoaccepttheiropinion.Theonly
exceptionwouldbeifsomeoneistryingtogetinbetweenyouandyourmate.Inthatcase
it'simportantforyoutopresentaunitedfronttothatpersonthatiscausingtheproblem
.Inallothercasesit'sokayifyou:
1.Agreetodisagree.
2.Trytoseetheotherpersonspointofview.
3.Acceptthatyouropiniondoesn'tneedtochangeifyoutrulyfeelitsvalidandnot
unreasonable.
Thisiswhererespectingtheotherpersonregardlessofthedifferencesbecauseyoulove
themcomesintobeing.Intermsofargumentsandmanagingdifferencesofopinions
betweentwopeoplethereshouldbesomeguidelinesthatbothuse.
Theguidelinesare:
1.Itsimportantforyoutobeabletospeakupaboutsomething.
2.Sometimesifyoudon'tmakeyourfeelingsclearaboutsomethingthatisbotheringyou,
thepersonwon'tknowandkeepdoingit.
3.Holdingfeelingsaboutsomethingbackbreedsangerandresentment.
4.Manytimesapersonwilldosomethingthatmayhurtoroffendyoubecausethey
honestlydon'tknowthatitdoesuntilyoutellthemaboutit.
5.Moretimesthannotifsomethingisbotheringapersonitwillcomethroughinhowthey
acttowardstheotherpersonandeveninfacialexpressions.Thepersonwillknow
somethingiswrongbyyouractionsbutmaynotevenknowwhatitactuallyis.Youmay
sayfinebutareactingotherwise.Ahealthyhappyrelationshipisonewhereyoucantrust
yourselfandyourpartnerenoughtobeabletotellthemhowyoufeelanditbeokay.
Asahappycoupleinahappyrelationshipyoushouldhavecollectivegoalsthatyouwork
ontogether.Justasyousupporteachotherwithyourpersonalgoalsthesamegoesforthe
goalsyoumaketogether.Ifyouarethinkingaboutanymajorchangespersonallyinyour
lifeit'simportanttodiscussthemtogetherasacouple.Alsolearntousethebeststrengths
eachofyouhastogetthingsdoneasateam.Yourpartnermayhavedifferentstrengths
andorweaknessesthanyou.Soifheisabetterorganizerthat'shisjobandifyouare
betterwithhandlingthemoneythenmaybemakingthebudgetisyours.
Althoughyoulovespendingtimetogethertheremaybetimeswhenonepartnerneeds
somespacetobealone.Youhavetorespecteachother'sspaceaswell.Hemaywanttobe
inanotherroomtodosomethingbyhimselfortakeawalkasyoumightalsoanditsall
good.
Thereisnothingwrongwithtakingtimeforyourselfandspendingsomequalitytime
alone.Youmaywantyournailsdonewiththegirlsandthatfine.Hemaywanttoplayball
withtheboys.Aslongasbothofyourespecttherelationshipandputtherelationshipfirst
thenspaceishealthy.
Thebottomlineisahappyrelationshipisonethatisnurturedsoitcangrow.Youhaveto
buildyourrelationshipasyoulearnfromoneanother.Youtakefromeachotherthe
strengththeotherhasandbuilduptheweaknessesaswell.
Acceptthatyouhaveshortcomingsjustlikethemandbothofyouwillgrowtogether.
Chapter7:HowToBeHappyandSingle
Therearetimesinourliveswhenwherewefindourselvesalonebychoice;orwillfind
ourselvesbeingonourowninspiteofwantingarelationshipwithsomeone.Itcouldalso
beweareinbetweenrelationshipsandtooktimeout.
Ontheotherhandwemayhavejustgottenoutofarelationshipeitherbychoiceorthe
personleftus.Therearesomepeoplewhoprefertobealoneforwhateverreason.We
alwayshearthatrelationshipsandinteractionwithfriendsandlovedonesiskeyforusto
findhappiness.
However,thosetimeswearealoneorsingledoesnotmeanwehavetobemiserabledoes
it?
TheanswerisNO.
Therearesomepeoplethathandlebeingaloneorsinglebetterthanothers.Ifyoudofind
yourselfaloneorsingle;thefirstthingyouneedtodoisstructureyourtime.Ithasbeen
discoveredthatifyoukeepbusywithconstructiveactivitiesinyourlifeitcanhelpwith
feelingaloneorlonely.Evenifyouhavetomapoutascheduleofactivitiessoyouhavea
fullitineraryhourlythendoso.
Youwillalsoseethatyourlifeisquitefullbasedonhowmuchyoupencilin.Includethose
thingsyou'vealwayswantedtodobutdidn'thavetimebeforebecauseyoulifewas
interwovenwithsomeoneelse.Thinkofitasnowyouarefreetodowhatyoualways
wantedtodoanddon'thavetoanswertosomeoneaboutdoingit.
Thisisthebestwaynottofeelaimlessorhopeless,likethereisnothinggoingoninyour
life.Inactualityifyoucanstarttoviewyourselfasbeingselfreliantinsteadofbeingalone
orwithoutarelationshipthenyouwillstarttofeeldifferentlyaboutbeingonyourown.
Youhavetoviewyourtimeastimetohavearelationshipwithyourself.Gettoknow
yourself.Manytimespeopledon'tknowthemselvessotheydon'tknowwhattheywantout
oflifemuchlessfromarelationship.Includeyourownpersonalqualitytimeinthechoices
youmakewithyouractivities.Dothingsthatyouenjoyforyourselftomakeyoufeelgood
aboutwhoyouare.
Thisisthetimetodothingsthatyoucouldn'tnecessarilydobecauseyouwereina
relationshipandactuallydidn'thavetimeforyourselfuntilnow.Alsopamperyourself
whenyoucan.Keepyourselfattractiveforyou.That'sthebestwaytofeelgoodabout
yourself.
Evenifyouarealoneitdoesn'tmeanyoudidn'tordon'thavefriends.Ifyoudofeelpangsof
lonelinessreconnectwithyourfriends.Truefriendswillunderstand.Friendscanbeloving
andasourceofsupport.It'simportanttostillhaveafeelingofloveevenifitsyougivingit
toyourself.Whenyo
ulove,lovereachesoutanditattractsmoreofthesame.Ifyouaretryingtoattractanew
personintoyourlifethebestwaytodoitistohaveagoodlifeyourself.Thatmeansyou
arenotdesperatetofindsomeonebutarewillingtoopenyourselfupfortherightone.
Whenyourlifeismeaningfultoyouandyouaresatisfiedyouwillcreateenergyaround
youthatissopositivethatitdrawspeopletoyou.
Itsimportantnottoisolateyourselforbecomeintrovertedbecauseyouaresingleoralone.
Thebestsuggestionthattheygiveistobuildyourselfacommunity.Bythatitmeans
havingpeoplewhocareaboutyouinyourlifewhoarethereforyouandyoucareabout
themandarethereforthemaswell.
Whenyouhavemeaningfulrelationshipswithpeopleitfulfillsatypeofneedandvoid.The
morehappieryouarewithyourlifeingeneralthemorewillcometoyoubecauseyouare
openedtoit.Manysinglepeoplewhoarealonefeeldisconnectedandalienatedfrom
people.Itultimatelyaffectsthequalityoftheirlives.
Theyactasiftheonlywaytobehappyisinaromanticorintimaterelationshipwitha
mate.Inthesecasestheyneedtotryandfindgroupsthathavelikeinterestswiththemto
helpthemgetbackintheswingofthings.
It'sokaytogotothegym,exercise,buyflowers,gotoashowordothingsaloneand
actuallyenjoythemalso.
Liveyourlifeinthehereandnowmode.Don'tconsumeyourselfwiththewhatifsand
whatwillbecomeofme.Takelifemomentbymomentandenjoythingsastheycometo
you.Keepyourpastinthepast.Youcannotchangewhathashappenedtoyou.Butyoucan
controlwhatwillhappeninyourlifeifyoutakethingsstepbystep.
Tryandmakeyourlifepurposeful.Makeeachdayyouwakeupareasonfordoingso.Have
avisionofwhatyouwanttodoandwhereyouwanttobeinyourlifeandkeepthatin
focus.Lifeistooshortnottodowhatyouwant.
Youshouldn'tfeellikeafailureifyouarenotinaromanticrelationship.Infacta
relationshipshouldnotdefinewhoyouare.Itisyouwhodefinesanddecidesthetypeof
relationshipyoushouldhavewithanotherpersonbeitfriendshiporromantic.Ifyou
yourselfdon'tfeellikeacompletepersonwithinyourself,howcanyoubepartofsomeone
else'slife.Youhavetounderstandwhoyouare,whatyouareaboutandwhatyouwantin
ordertomakeitworkwithapartner.
Yes,twopeoplebecomeoneinarelationshipbuttheyaretwoindividualscomingtogether
bychoice.Manytimesthosepeoplewhodon'tfeelcompleteinthemselveswillstayin
relationshipsthattheyaremiserableinjusttosaytheyhavesomeone.Inthosecasesit's
liketheyarealoneanyway.
So,whenarelationshiplikethisendsthiswasnotarelationshipwheretwopeoplewanted
tobetogetheranywayatleastnotfortherightreasons.Theycametogetheroutofaneed
tohavearelationshipbecauseoffearofbeingbythemselves.
Whenyoucanstandonyourownandfeellikeapersononyourownthenyouarereadyto
bewithsomeoneoutoffeelingforthepersonasopposedtodesperation.Whentwowhole
peoplecomeintoarelationshiptheycancompleteeachotherbecausetheyarestrong
enoughtosharethemselveswithoutlosingwhotheyareintherelationship.Theydon't
definethemselvesbytherelationshipitistheywhodefinewhattherelationshipwillbeto
themtogether.
Lonelinessisultimatelyastateofmindandbeing.
Itdoesn'tmeanthatyoucan'tfindlove.Lovemakestheworldgoround.Notbeingwith
someonedoesn'tmeanthatyouarenotdefinedasapersonbecauseyouaresingleor
alone.Youshouldknowwhoyouareandwhatyouareaboutwhetheryouareina
relationshipornot.
Toomanytimespeoplesettleandsayitsok.Inactualitytheyarenothappybecausethey
soldthemselvesshort.Whentherightonecomesalongandyouarehappyyoucanchange
yourstatusfromsingletoinarelationshipquiteeasily.
Thedifferenceisyouaredoingitbecauseyouwanttoanditsrightforyou.Notbecause
youaredesperateandcan'thandlebeingonyourownthatyousettleforbeingwith
someonewhoisn'tthebestchoiceforyou.
Chapter8:LearningHowToSay"NO"
Inourpursuitsofhappinessweknowwhatmakesushappyandweknowwhatdoesn't.
Thisincludesknowingwhatwewantandwhatwedon'twant.Inordertomaintainour
happinesstherearetimeswehavetosayNOtopeopleandchoices.Itmaynotbeeasyto
saytheNOwordifpeopleorsituationsarecountingonYesfromusbutthatisnotthe
point.
Wehavetoultimatelymakechoicesforourlivesandourpathtohappinessnotforothers.
Thisisespeciallytrueifwhatpeoplewantustosayyestoisn'twhatwewantfor
ourselves.
Manytimeswhenwefeelwewantedtosaynotosomethinganddon'twefeeltrampled
uponandlikeweshouldhavestuckupforourselves.
Themainobstacletomasteringthewordnoistheguiltwefeelwhenwedosayno
particularlyifwecarefortheperson.Whenwedothiswefeelthatwearelettingdown
somebodywhoaskedsomethingofus.Sayingnowithoutthebaggageitleavesbehind
takespractice.
ThefirstwaytostartlearningtosayNoiswithasimplebuteffectiveexercise.Youstart
withmakingalistofallthethingsthatareyourprioritiesandthingsthatmeanayesto
you.Anythingthatisaskedofyouthatisnotonthatlistandyouwanttosaynoto;thendo
so.
Thiskeepsyourmindfocusedonwhatyouwantfirstandwhatmakesyouhappyinstead
ofalwaysgivingintoothersrequestsordemands.
Itmayfeelquiteuncomfortableatfirst,notaccommodatingsomeonethatyounormallydo.
Keepinmindthatforeverytimeyousayyesyouareputtingyourprioritiesandneeds
asideforthatpersonyousayyesto.Ifyouhaveasignificantotherandyouneedtheir
supportinthismatteryoucandiscussitwiththemfirstbeforeyoustartwithsayingNO
tothosethatexpectyoutodothingsforthem.
IfsayingNOonthespotmakesyouguiltriddenthenbuyyourselftimeandsayI'llthink
aboutit.Thisbuysyoutimetoprepareyourselftosaynowithoutbeingpressuredtocave
infromthepersonaskingthefavor.Thisistruealsoifsomeoneisgivingyouaninvitethat
youwanttosayNOtoalso.WhenyoumusterthestrengthtofinallytellthemNOdoso
withoutgivingreasonsorexcuses.Don'toverexplainordefendyouranswereither.Itsfar
bettertosay;No,Iwon'tbeabletohelpyouorNo,It'snotpossibleformetodothator
thankyoubutIcan'tattend.
Whenyouanswerwithadefinitenotheycan'tsaywellmaybeanothertime".Whenyou
aren'tassertivewithadefiniteNOitgivestheotherpartyleewaytotryandbarterwith
you.
Aninterestingassignmentyoucangiveyourselfistoconsciouslycountallthetimesyou
sayyestothingsthatyoureallydon'twanttoinaweek.Thesearethingsyouwished
yousaidNoto.Attheendoftheweekaddupallthetimesyousaidyesagainstyourtrue
feelings.Thiswillshowyouthatyouneedstarttoseeyouhavetostandupforwhatyou
wanttodoforyou.Youhavetotellpeoplethatyourprioritieshavechangediftheykeep
insistingandwhatyoumayhavedonebeforeintermsofsayingyesyouarenolonger
doing.
WhenyoustarttounderstandthattheideaofsayingYesandNoisalsoabout
boundariesandwhatyouwilldoandwhatyouwon't;peoplethatwereusedtohaving
theirwaywithyoumaytrytocrossboundariestomaketheirpointorgettheirway.Here
aresomeguidelinesyoumayuseifyouneedto.Ifitsasignificantotheryouneedto
establishboundarieswiththemaswell.Ventanystrongemotionsthatyouoryourpartner
mayhaveonthisissuebeforethetwoofyoubeforeusetheguidelines.
1.ThefirstthinginsayingNo'whensettingaboundaryinrelationtoanotherpersonis
thatyouwanttousesimpleanddirectlanguage.Thisleavesnoroomformisinterpretation
onthepartoftheperson.
2.Ifthepersonisangryyouaresettingaboundarywithyou:
SayfirstIfyoucontinuetoactthiswayIamleavingtheroom.Donotyellatmeoract
aggressivewithme.Iwillnottakethatbehaviorfromyou.
3.Tosetaboundarywithpersonalphonecallsatwork:hereisanexampleofwhattosay.
Iwillhavetocallyoulater,I'vedecidedtotakeallpersonalcallsintheeveninginorderto
getmyworkdone
4.Tosaynotoextracommitments:
AlthoughyourneedisimportantIhavetodeclinebecauseIhavetotakecareofmy
family'sneeds
5.Tosetaboundaryforsomeonewhoiscritical
example:"It'snotOKtotalkaboutmyweight,I'dliketoaskyoutostop."
6.Tobuyyourselftimewhenhavingtomakeatoughdecision:
"Ihavetosleeponit.Ihaveapolicyofnotmakingtoughdecisionsrightaway"
7.Tobackoutofacommitment:
ex:"IknowIagreedbutIcannotgiveittheattentionitdeserves,soletmetryandfinda
replacement"
8.Tosetboundarieswithanadultchildandlendinghimorhermoney:
"Iloveyouverymuchbutwon'tbelendingyoumoneyanymore.Youneedtotakemore
responsibilityforyourself."
Whenyousetyourpersonalboundariesyoudonotneedtodefendyourself,debateorover
explainyourfeelings.Youcanbegraciousbutfirmandifyoumeetresistancerepeatyour
statement.
Anothersourceofunhappinesswefaceiswhenwearehurtortakethingspersonally
becauseofourownweakinternalboundaries.Aninternalboundaryisourowninvisible
protectiveshieldthatweusetocheckacommentoutfirstbeforetakingitin.Anexample
ofthiswouldbeifsomeonecallsyouarrogantstopandconsiderthestatementbefore
takingitin.Usingyourinternalshieldgivesyoutimetoaskthefollowingquestions:
1. Howmuchofthisistrueaboutme?
2. Howmuchofthisisabouttheotherperson?
3. WhatdoIneedtodo(ifanything)toregainmypersonalpowerorstandupfor
myself?
Thelastquestionisveryimportantbecauselearningtostandupforyourselfandlearning
tosaynomeanstostandfirmwithyourboundaries.
Thisshieldwhenyouuseitisespeciallygoodwhendealingwithdifficultandcritical
people.Inthiswayyouareintactandtheirstatementsdonotweakentheshield.Theshield
helpsyoudecideifit'sworthansweringornot.Inthiswayyoudonotletwhattheysayget
toyoubecauseyouanalyzedtheircommentbeforeyourespond.
Onceyoustarttoseewhoyouareandwhatyouwantyoucanstarttofeelhappybecause
youaredoingwhatittakesforyoutobehappynotwhatotherswantfortheirhappiness.
Itdoesn'tmeanyouaretobeselfishandthoughtless,itmeansifthereissomethingasked
ofyouthatmakesyoureallyunhappyortakesyououtofyourzoneofbeinghappythen
youhavetherighttosaynoandnotfeelbadorguiltyaboutyourdecision.
Chapter9:SoHowDoWeBecomeHappy
Happinessisrelativetoaperson'sneeds.Itisastateofmind.
Whatmakesonepersonhappymayinfactcausemiserytoanother.Sointhequestfor
happinesswemustfirstlistentoourselvesandfollowourpaththatourinnerselvestells
usisrightforus.Whatmaymakeyouhappymaynotbewhatthemajorityofpeopledo
everydaytobehappy.It'sokaytobedifferent.
Thefirststepofhappinessisthatyoudon'tnecessarilyneedtofollowanygroupordo
whatyourfriendsdo;ortellyoutodoifitdoesn'tmakeyouhappy.Youhavetoaskyourself
areyoureallyhappywithwhatyouaredoinginyourlife?Orareyoujustlikeasheep
followingtheflockwithnoconsiderationforwhatyoureallywant.
Ifyoudecidethatyouarenothappyinyourcurrentsituationorwiththecurrentthings
happeninginyourlifeatthemomentthentheantidoteistochangeit.It'sthatsimplebut
itmaybeaprocess.
Somethingswecanchangerightaway,andsometaketime.Itdoesn'tmatterwhatyou
havebeenconditionedorprogrammedtodo,beitajob,relationshiporlifestyle.Ifyouare
nothappyyoucanfixitandchangethingsaround.Lifeistooshorttodosomethingorbe
withsomeonethatdoesnotbringyouhappinessinyourlife.Don'tworryabout
appearancesorwhatothersmaythink.
Itisultimatelyyourlifeandyourchoicenooneelse's.
Don'tworryaboutfindinghappiness.Dowhatyoulikeforyourselfandyourlifeandyou
willfindyourselftobeahappierperson.Sometimeswegetsoconsumedintryingtofind
Happinessthatwhenwedon'tthinkwehaveitwebecomemoreunhappy.Ican'tstress
enoughthathappinessisastateofmind.That'swhywecanfeelsadorhappybasedon
ourstateofminds.
Thereisnosuchthingasperfection.Soifyouaregauginghappinessbyperfectionthen
yousadlymayneverbehappy.Happinessisabouttolerance.Nooneisperfect.Ifyoulearn
toacceptpeopleandsituationsforwhattheyareyouwillfindyourselfalothappier.Ifyou
refusetoletgooftheideaofperfectionthenpreparetoliveyourlifedisappointed,
offendedattimesandlonely.
Youdon'thavetoputupwithcrapthat'snotwhatIamtalkingaboutbutyoucanmoveon
fromsituationsandpeoplethataren'tcuttingthemustardwithoutmakingitacatastrophe.
Letgoandmoveonandliveyourlifetothefullest.Ifyoucareaboutsomeoneenoughyou
willforgivetheirimperfectionsastheywillforgiveyours.
Learnfromyourmistakes.Ifyoulearnwhatmadeyouunhappythenwhywouldyou
continuallydothesamethings.Learnfromthemdon'tlivethemagain.Youdon'thaveto
livewithmistakes,youmakethem,learnfromthem,growfromtheexperienceandmove
on.Happinessisaboutgrowth.It'
sinterestingbecausetobeneitherattachedordetachedisdevoidoffeelinglifetothe
fullest.Theproblemisifyoudon'tfeelorgetattachedtosomethingsyouwon'texperience
joyinthehumansense.Ifyoudisengagefromlivingyouloseboththegoodwiththebad.
Soyouneedahappymedium.
Inlifepainisinevitable,withoutitwecan'texperiencehappiness.Manypeoplebecome
attachedtotheideaofbeingdetached.
Happinessrequiresaction.Ifyouwanttobehappyyouhavetomakeitso.Andonceyou
attainhappinessyouhavetokeeponworkingtokeepit.Happinessisbasedonpractice.
Themoreyouincorporatethepracticingofthingspromotingyoursenseofhappinessthe
happieryouwillbecome.
Happinessislikemomentum.Justlikethelawofphysicsandphysicalinertia.Ittakesmore
energyandforcetomoveanobjectthantoactuallykeepitmoving.Onceanobjectis
movingitseasiertokeepgoing.
Thefactisonceanobjectisinmovementittakesmoreforceandenergytostopthe
momentumthantoletitkeepgoing.Soisthemindwiththestateofhappiness.Itmaytake
aloteffortfromyouinthebeginningtogetyourmindinahappymode.Butonce,theidea
ofhappinesssetsinandtakesoffafterawhileitwillbeeffortless.
Infactitwilltakemoreenergytostopthehappinessthantokeepitgoing.
Theotherthingthathelpswithhappinessistherolemodelswechoosetomodelour
happinessby.Wehavetochoosepeoplewhowelookuptoandwanttobelikewhenwe
thinkofhappinessandthepeoplewewanttoemulate.
Rememberhappinessisfreedomnotmentalslavery.Neverunderestimatethepowerof
mentalprogramming.Howdoyouthinkpeopledothingslikebecomesuicidebombers
basedonanotionofgoingtotheultimateheavenbasedontheirsacrificeforeternal
happiness.Mindprogrammingcansendpeopletowarsormakepeoplepeaceful.Freeyour
mindforyourhappinessnooneelse's.
Weareallproductsofsocialprogramming.Governments,media,educatorsandparents
influenceusallthetime.Itsusedinadvertising,propagandaforvariousthingsasin
churchesandschools.Weareallproductsofourenvironments.
Theytellushowwearesupposedtolookandhowwearesupposedtofeel.Inthisrespect
weneedtodeprogramthenegativescriptsimposedonus.Wehavetorewritethescripts
tosuitusinapositivefashionbasedonourownpersonalneeds.Thisdoesn'tmeanthat
thereisnorightorwrong.
Yes,ifyouhurtanotherbecauseitmakesyouhappyfornogoodreasonthenyouare
wrong.Iamtalkingalongthelinesofpressuresputuponusthatwecannotliveuptoand
itmakesusunhappy.
Forexampleifyouarenevergoingtobeasize2thatshouldnotmakeyouwanttodie.
Acceptwhoyouareandthenyouwillbehappyanyway.Iamtalkingaboutthosetypesof
reprogramingmindsetsinrelationtothingssocietybombardsuswith.
Likewisewhatweassociatewithmentallyalsocontributestoourstatesofhappiness.
Advertisersknowthiswell.That'swhytheysetupthehappiestofconditionsintheir
commercialsbasedonthepremiseofyouusingtheirproduct.Theyleadyoutobelieve
thattheanswerstoyourhappinessisbasedonbuyingthatproduct.Sowiththisinmindif
youarenothappythenyouneedtoconsiderchangingyourmentalassociationswithwhat
ismakingyouunhappy.Theycouldbepeople,thingsorsituations.
Happinessisapatternofthought.Itisbasedonapatternofbehaviorthatwerepeat.For
instancehaveyounoticedthatpeoplepickthesametypeoffriendsoverandoveragainor
repeatthesamemistakestimeandagain?
Thisisbecausewearecreaturesofhabit.So,ifthehabitsarenotworkingforyouor
makingyouunhappyyouhavetobreakthemandchangeyourmindset.
Agoodthingtopracticeisassoonasyoustarttothinknegativeimmediatelyreplaceit
withapositivethoughtinstead.
Usuallyhappinessisbasedonadecision.Mostofthetimesbaddecisionsarebasedon
misinformationorlackofinformation.Sowhenitcomesdowntomakingimportant
decisionsthatwillaffectyourstateofhappinessyouneedtoaskyourselfdoyouhaveall
theinformationtomakeagooddecision.
Didyouvalidatetheinformation.
Alwaysexaminetheevidenceaswellastakingtimetoevaluateyouractionsandreactions
tomakesureitistherightdecisionforyou.
Happinessisalsoopenmindedness.Whenyoulimityourselfbasedonprejudices,
stereotypesornarrowthinkingyouareputtingyourselfinabox.Youmaymissouton
somethingthatcouldbegreat.Alsohappinessisbasedongoodinstincts.Ifyoufeel
somethingisn'trightthengowithyourgutfeeling.Don'tsellyourselfshort.Ifasituation
orpersondoesn'tfeelrightthendon'tdealwiththem.Thereissuchathingasredflagsif
youseethemwavingitmeansturntheotherway.There'snothingwrongwithgoingina
differentdirectiontosaveyourselffromadisasterinthemaking.
Ifyouwanttobehappythenyoushouldsurroundyourselfwithhappypeople.Happiness
rubsoff.Youshouldalwaystrytobefriendthosethatshowsupport,success,optimism,are
cheerfulandgoodcompanytobearound.Thisdoesn'tmeanyoudropfriendsthatsuffera
misfortuneorhardship.
Quitethecontraryyourroleistoofferthemsupport.Iamsayingusegoodjudgmentand
avoidthosepeoplewhoareharmfultoyourbeingandarenegativetoyouandyourstate
ofhappiness.
AsImentionedinearlierchaptershappinessisaboutgratitude.Ifyoustartbeingthankful
forwhateverlittleyouhavethingswillstarttolookbettertoyou.
Learntohavefun.Dothingsthatyouenjoyatleastonceaweekminimum.Ifyounever
stopworkingitleadstomentalandphysicalexhaustion.Whenyougettiredandrundown
itisanopeneddoorfordepressionandstress.
Whenyoutakeabreakandrelaxyoureplenishyourbodyandmind.Thiskeepsyou
healthyandenergizedwhichistherightstateforhappiness.
AlthoughIhavenotspokeaboutmoneyinthisbooktoomuchIwouldliketomention
moneynow.Povertydoesnotlenditsselftohappiness.Weknowthatit'sagivenfact.If
youarestarvingorhomelessyoucannotbehappy.Youhavetoknowhowtoplanandtake
careofwhatevermoneyyoudohave.Acomfortablelifeisahappylife.Youdon'thavetobe
rollinginmoneybutitisnicetobeabletoaffordlife'slittleextras.
Ifyoutakecareofyourmoneyitwilltakecareofyou.Weneedtoberealistic.Somepeople
aremoresuccessfulthanothers.Thetruthiswhenapersonusuallyhasphenomenal
successinonethingtherestoftheirlifeislacking.Theyusuallypayaheavypriceatthe
expenseofanotherareaoftheirlife.It'sokaytopursueyourdreamsbutnotatthe
expenseofnotbeinghappyandmissingoutonthingsbecauseofit.Ifthisisthecaseyou
mayhavetoletgoofsomeunrealisticexpectationsattheexpenseofyourhappiness.
Manytimesinordertobehappywehavetoadapttothechangesthatlifebringstous.
Everythinginlifegoesthroughacycle,theseasons,themonths,plants,relationshipsyou
nameit.Itsbettertoliveinthenow,andenjoythemomentforwhatitsworththangetting
caughtupintheforeversyndrome.It'sunrealisticoroverromantictothinkthatnothing
changesandstaysthesameforever.Ifyouareholdingyourhappinessbasedonthisyou
willsurelysufferinthelongrun.
People,places,ideas,allthingschangeandgrowsometimestogetherandsometimesapart.
Donotresentchange.It'sokaytofightforwhatyoubelieveinandwantbutunderstandif
itsnotforyouthenletitgoandmoveon.
Whenyoudon'tyoumissthebenefitsofthenextcyclethatistocome.Likewiselearnto
sayyestothoseyouloveandcareaboutincludingyourself.
Saynotothosepeopleandthingswhopressureyouandyourlifewithnofairreward.Try
tobewisewhenyoudomakeyourchoicesbasedonanalysis;notblame,butwhatisreally
thesituationathand.
FinallyIhavetosaymanypeoplespendtheirtimewastinglivinginthemoment.Theytake
thetimeathandforgrantedandthinkaboutregretsfromthepastandworriesaboutthe
future.Theyforgethowtoenjoywhatisinfrontofthematthemoment.
Andthenitstimewasted.Beinghappyisastateofmindthatgoeswithyoufromone
momenttothenext.Timewaitsfornomanandneitherdoeshappiness.It'stherebutyou
havetograbitwhileyoucan.
Chapter10:ConclusionAreYouReallyHappy?
Mostofthetimewelookfortheobvioustodetermineifapersonishappyorsad.
Thetruthissomepeoplehavebeenlivinginunhappinesssolongthattheyforgotwhatits
liketobehappyanymore.Ittakestheaverageadulthalfoftheiradultlifetimetoreally
recognizetheirownunhappiness.
Thisdoesnotincludepeoplewhohadmiserablechildhoodsorhavehadahistoryofabuse.
Thosefallinthecategoryofobviousreason.Manytimesbythetimeapersonrealizesthey
arenothappytheyareintheirlatemiddletoolderyears.Whenthisrealizationoccursin
ourMidlifeweusuallyseeitmanifestasamidlifecrisis.
Herearesomeofthesymptomsthatwemaynotevenrealizeispartofthecluesto
unhappiness:
1. Beingobsessedwiththefactthatlifeisnotfair
2. Theoutlookonlifeisverynegativeasitistowardsothers.Theirfirstreactionto
peoplewouldbetodoubtthemandassumetheworstaboutthem.
3. Unhappypeoplehavelowselfesteem,areverysensitiveasaresultandvery
insecure
4. Therestandardsareridiculouslyhigh.Noonecanliveuptothemasfarastheyare
concerned.Thisalsoincludesthemnotlivinguptotheirownstandard.Itcanbein
relationtolooks,achievementsorethics.
5. Besidesbeingverycriticaltheyarealsooffendedatthedropofahat.Theysecretly
criticizethemselvesanddosoaboutothersopenly.
6. Theytendtobehighlyargumentativebecausetheyhavetoalwaysberight.
7. Theyareselfrighteousandblameothersallthetimeforanythingthatgoeswrong.
Thisisallthetime.
8. Theirhappinessisalwaysattachedorassociatedtoevents,thingsorothers.They
vieweverythingintermsofstatusoracompetition.Thisincludeshowtheyview
theirhomes,cars,partners,jobsandbankaccounts.
9. Theirsmilesaren'trealyoucanseeitintheireyesandtheirlaughsarenotheartfelt
evenifloud.
10.
Unhappypeopletendtoexaggeratenegativeevents.Theygetdepressedmore
oftenthannormalanditlastsforlongerperiodsthanconsiderednormal.
11.
Theirlanguageforthemostpartiscriticalandnegative.
12.
Theytendtobelonely.Thisisbecauseoftheirnegativedispositionsand
becausetheyhavetroublerelatingtoothersatadeeplevel.
13.
Becausetheyarecontrolfreakstheyexhibithigherdegreesoffear,worry,
stressoranger.
14.
Duetothefactthattheyfocusontheirnegativeexperiencestheybecome
emotionallyexhaustedandcanburnoutveryeasilywhenfacedwithacrisis.
15.
Sincehumanbeingsarecreaturesofhabitsunhappypeopleareattractedto
negativesituationssuchaswatchingtragedies,warandcourttelevisionprograms
allthetime.
16.
Beingunhappytheymissoutonlife'ssimplepleasures.
17.
Theyengageinlesssexandiftheydoitsroutineusuallyvoidofsensual
enjoyment.
18.
Unhappypeopleusethingsofescapismtobehappylikeworkaholics,drug
addicts,alcoholics,foodaddictionandengaginginmacobpractices.
Theaverageunhappypersondoesnotdisplayallofthesesymptoms.Iftheyweretoit
wouldbeaseriousconditionthatwewouldbeaddressingandthepersonwouldprobably
betotallydysfunctional.
Ifyouarenothappythekeyistolookatalltheabovesymptomsandseejusthowmanyof
themyoudisplay.Thenyouwouldlookatyourselfhonestlyandsaywhatisreallytheroot
causeofyourunhappinessandwhatareyoudoingtoovercomeit.Lastlyhowcanyou
improveyourlifesoyoucanbehappy.
Herenowisachecklistofthecommonthoughtsandbehaviorcharacteristicsofahappy
person:
1. Theaveragehappypersonisnotconcernedwithwhetherlifeisfairornotthey
wanttomakethebestoflifeperiod
2. Happypeopletendtoviewlifeasanadventureratherthanatest.Ajourneyfullof
funratherthananegotrip.Theyseethingsmorelikeagamethanacompetition.
3. Thesetypeofpeoplearenotsoattachedtofalseideasofperfectionintermsofimage
orlifestyle.Theywanttolivelife,learnastheydo,anddevelopthemselvesandenjoy
itastheydo.
4. Happypeoplearesecureintheirownskin.Otherpeople'sopinionsandeventsare
notasimportanttothem.Likeeveryonetheyappreciateanicecomplimentbutthey
donotseekexternalvalidationandnevercomparethemselvestootherstodefine
theirownselfworth.
5. Peoplethatarehappytendtobelessjudgmentalofothers.Theycanbeopenand
acceptingofothersincludingmoretolerantofotherpeoplesmistakes.Theydon'tget
offendedatthedropofahatandarelesscriticalofothersandthemselvesingeneral.
6. Theyhavelessneedtocontroleventsandotherpeople.Whentheydousecontrolit
isaconsciouslyplannedasopposedtoanobsessiveoremotionalreactiontothings.
Theirneedtocontrolisnotanobsession.
7. Happypeoplehavemorepeace,courage,hopeandconfidence.Theyfeellessfear,
anxiety,worry,stressorangerthanunhappypeople.
8. Peopleliketobearoundthembecauseoftheirrelaxeddemeanors.Theytendtobe
lessinhibited,happy,spontaneousandfuntobearound.
9. Becauseoftheiropenmindedandpositivedispositiontheycaneasilyrelateto
peopleandviceversa.Happypeoplecanbuildstrongrelationshipswithothers.
Peoplearesupportiveofhappypeople.
10.
Theyhavethecapacitytobesuccessfulforwhattheysetouttodobecause
theydonotfocusonbeingpreoccupiedwithnegativeexperiences.Thishelpsthem
withtheirmentalcapacityandenergylevelstosucceed.
11.
Happypeopleareattachedtootherhappypeopleandsituations.Theywill
watchacomedyoveramurder.
12.
Happypeoplelovethesimplepleasures,theycanenjoyasunrise,agooddish,
ajobwelldone,goodconversation,agoodnight'ssleep,loveandpassion.
13.
Theyaregenerallymorecheerfulandlessdepressed.
Nowjustasyoulookedatthefirstsetofguidelinestoseehowmanyyouhaveifyouare
unhappydothesametoseehowmanyyouhaveasahappyperson.Thenextthingtoask
yourselfifyoudohavesomeishowdoyoumaintaintheonesyouhaveandimprovethe
qualityofhappinessyoualreadyhave.
Therearethreetypesofpeopleinrelationtohappiness.Theyarethe:RW's,WR'sandthe
RR's.
RW'sarethepeoplewhodotheRightthingsfortheWrongreasons.Thesepeopleare
successfulontheoutsidebutsadorunhappyinside.ThenyouhavetheWRpeople,theydo
TheydoWrongthingsfortheRightreasons.WRpeoplehavegoodintentionsbutcause
needlesssufferingtoothers.FinallywehavetheRRpeople.
RR'sdotheRightthingsfortheRightreasons.Thesearethehappypeoplewhoenjoylife.
Unfortunatelytherearen'tenoughRR's.
Thereisnosuchthingasapainfreelife.Emotionalpainisavaluabletoolbecauseitserves
asagaugetoletusknowthatwehavetoreexamineourenvironmentsandvalues.This
doesnotincludethingswecannotcontrolinourlivesthesearesituationsweputourselves
in.
Painisusefultoletusknowthatwhatiscausingthepainhastobeeliminatedifwewant
thepaintostop.Thisincludesthosethingswecanchangeifweareunhappy.
Oursocietyisprogrammedforquickfixes.Manytimesinordertochangefroman
unhappystatetoahappyonerequiresaprocessofchangethatstartswithourmindset.
Yestherearemedicationsordrugsavailabletochangethechemicalsinourbrainand
reducethestresstoinduceasenseofwellbeinginus.Butthesearenotpermanentcures.
Thesearetemporary.
Totrulyexperiencehappinesswehavetoundergochangeanddevelopmentwhichisa
continuousprocess.
Inadditiontomindsethappinessisalsocontingentuponthechoiceswemakeintermsof
valuesandlifestyles.Whenwemakethosechoicesworkforourliveswetendtobe
happierpeopleinahappierstateofbeing.
Ihopethatyoufoundtheentirebookenlighteninganduseful.
Remember
StayHappyAlways,
P.SIvepreparedaspecialbonusgiftforyouhere
ClickBelowtodownloadyourbonusgift
http://www.MentalPowerUnleashed.com/free/