Gracie Gardner

Wondering

When I am driving or lying in bed at night in the silence, I find mind my wandering.
Since starting college I find myself thinking about the future. A year ago the future was college.
Where did I want to spend the next four plus years of my life?
What school had the program I want?
What place do I love so much I wouldnt mind leaving my home home for it?
Now the future is: what am I going to pursue as a career?
I have to make these decisions that will affect the rest of my life.
What do I want to do?
What major should I choose?
High school went by so fast, and I know that college will go by much faster. But what happens
after college?
In high school I was scared of what was next, now Im scared of whats after college. All
during your senior year family member after family member asks you the same questions;
Where are you going to school? What are you going to study? Are you excited? Then you
graduate high school and you think you are finished with school, but you have only finished the
minimum of what is expected in our society. Now you must go on and live without your parents,
take classes you already took in high school, and begin to study a major that may or may not give
you a job. How can people be so sure with what they want to do? I cant even decide where I
want to put a sticker, let alone what to do for the next fifty years. Everyone always wished high
school away. They were in such a rush to get out of high school and be in college. They were
ready to be independent, live away from their parents, only have two or three classes a day, and
nap without getting yelled at . But they dont realize that once you are in college you are working

Gracie Gardner

toward adulthood. One day you will really live on your own. Mom and dad are there now,
helping you through college, but once you graduate, its all you. How is it that more people are
not terrified by that?
Most people will graduate, find a job, get married, and start a family. But things can and
will go wrong; someone gets fired, a child gets sick, you have to move or get a second job.
Trusting that everything will go as planned is so hard to do. But trusting doesnt guarantee
anything. I havent decided if I want a family or not. Getting married is big commitment, and if I
cant decide where to put a sticker, how do I decide who I want to spend forever with. What if
the marriage goes wrong? There are so many possible outcomes , how do we know it will be
okay?
Not only does the distant future terrify me, but so does the near future. You have no idea
what is going to happen in a week, a day, or even a minute. Things that are good start to go
horribly wrong at any moment and there may be nothing you can do to stop it. No one knows
that will happen , no one can predict it. No one predicted war or devastation, and how do we
know that wont happen again? We, as humans, know so much about many things, but we know
nothing about what is to come. I wish I knew how my future was going to turn out, but I dont.
Its not the fear of something going wrong that scares me, its the uncertainty of what will
happen. You could do all you can to make a good life for yourself, but things could go bad. I
dont know if I believe in fate or good karma, but I do believe in you having the choices to try
and make your future what you want it to be. I dont think there will ever be a day Im not afraid
of the future and thats okay.

Gracie Gardner

As for now, in my first semester of college, I am taking it day by day. Keeping up with
my classes and trying to make new friends and memories. Im learning the ins and outs of
college and learning my place. For now, Im trying not to think too much about where Ill be in a
few years, but trying to enjoy where I am now.