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Hang Luong
Professor Gary Howard
English 2010-003
24 November 2016
Divorce: Not An Acceptable Choice
As of today, the divorce rate has been consistently at a high rate; however, the highest
recorded divorce rate was around the 1970s and 1980s (Doherty 42). Based on the national
survey, they found that 73% of respondents lack of commitment was a major reason (Doherty
44). Other reasons included, too much arguing (56%), infidelity (55%) unrealistic
expectations (45%), lack of equality in the relationship (44%), lack of preparation for marriage
(41%), and abuse (29%) (Doherty 44). The lack of commitment was a major reason for divorce,
but if we cant commit to one another, why would marriage happen in the first place? We all
need to understand the importance of devotion, compatibility, responsibility and willingness to
overcome difficulty in a marriage. Of course there are exceptions to an extent such as extremely
abusive relationship. Indeed, divorce is only an acceptable choice when physical and mental
threats to the partner are involved.
Before we make a decision to marry, we need to recall one important question: Will
commitment and romantic love would ever change for that person? As a married woman, I
recognize the importance of devotion in a relationship because my husband and I both fully
commit to each other. Therefore, to learn that more than 70% of married couples most likely end
in divorce due to the lack of commitment (Doherty 44)is a heart-breaking fact.
Why does commitment become a barrier for a relationship to last? As the number of
couples who live together without a marriage license rises, the fear of separation could be the

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reason why couples are afraid of commitment (Commitment). However, couples need to educate
themselves about the importance of commitment. It is another form of security that acts in a
relationship, Commitment is the part of the relationship that provides safety and security, so
couples can express their thoughts, feelings, and desires openly (Commitment). Consequently,
commitment is not a barrier, but we are as human beings are becoming our own obstacles.
Commitment is also a safety guard to deepen a marriage, and it is a personal process that
give the opportunity for individual and personal growth (Nicastro). To have a basic knowledge of
commitment in a marriage, we need to recognize that Commitment is a belief in relationship
permanence and the understanding that at times your union will need a life-jacket to stay afloat
(Nicastro). Therefore, commitment is a number-one factor that will guard and protect a marriage
or a relationship.
It would seem that everything has its own solution. To overcome infidelity, forgiveness is
the key to recovery in a relationship. Married couples who have experienced infidelity found that
forgiveness would able to save their relationship if the one was wrong is truly willing to work
toward the relationship (Hillin). According to the study at University of Missouri-Kansas City,
when forgiveness finally occurred, the level of relationship would become stronger; this is
known as post-traumatic growth (Hillin). PTG is a healing process that occurs when a person in a
transition finds purpose and meaning in life after a traumatic experience (qtd. in Heintzelman,
Murdock, Krycak, &Larrissa, 2014). When infidelity takes place, it is possible for a married
couple to grow and become stronger, but forgiveness is also the main factor.
Helen Fisher is a Rutgers University anthropologist who had studied underpinning of
love for over fifteen years. Her male partner had an affair a long time ago. Fisher stated that
You've got to have enough pulling you toward the relationship to want to make this thing

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work," she says, "but romantic love is one of the most powerful brain systems on earth (Berl). A
marriage couple can rebuild their relationship as long as the offender willing to earn trust and
forgiveness through bold, heartfelt, meaningful acts of repair (Berl). At the end of the day,
forgiveness and trust are most likely to be the only cure along with the effort that both partners
are willing to commit to the relationship.
Every marriage has problems, and problems often lead to fights, so what has happened if
we cant seem to stop arguing in a relationship? According to an article by Stacey Hagen, the
author saying that, Instead of seeing conflict as a threat to a relationship, what if we reframed
this and saw conflict as an opportunity and a sign of growth in a relationship? (Hagen). There
are many ways to overcome a fight in a relationship such as practice patience and acceptance,
having a lower expectation, and an open-mind to different point of view, listening to your
partner, etc (Hagen). As a result, condescension is a resolution that prevent conflict in a
marriage.
Equality in relationship is essential in order to have a healthy marriage life. However, in
all relationships each person needs to feel safe and valued because everyone deserves to have
equality within any relationship (Equal and Respectful). The lack of equality is one of the
reasons that lead to divorce (Doherty 44). Why cant we have a better communication and
understanding of each others needs and wants? In a relationship, equality makes a huge
influence toward who we are, how we feel, how we act and behave toward each other (Equal and
Respectful). Therefore, equality is a basic necessity that couples need to establish during a
marriage or a relationship.
The University of Wisconsin says that a healthy relationship is based on EQUALITY
and RESPECT, not power and control (Equality). The University created an equality based

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relationship list that has an association between personal values in decision-making that build
equality in a relationship. There are eight values that represent equality in relationship: honesty
and responsibility, open communication, trust and support, respect, shared responsibility, fairness
and negotiation, physical affection and intimacy (Equality). In reality, not everyone will practice
all eight values in their relationship, but the least we could do is to have a basic understanding of
equality within a relationship or marriage.
For most unmarried college students, they often think that marriage is happily ever
after due to their high expectation (Blanv). The ASU sociologist studied martial expectation of
the college students expectation compared with those who have been married for about ten
years, the result was these college students were the ones that set such an unrealistic expectation
(Blanv). The sociologist later stated that Such irrationality can lead us to conclude that when the
thrill is gone, or when the marriage or partner doesnt live up to our inflated ideals, divorce or
abandonment of the marriage in some other form is the solution (Blanv). We need to educate
ourselves at how to think critically and realistically, rather than to set ourselves up for a failed
marriage.
The lack of preparation for marriage is link to unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic
expectation can lead to many foolish decisions. If we cant prepare emotionally and physically
for our marriage, what kind of expectation do we have in our mind? Based on the article of a
married man that claimed that he was not ready for marriage, he stated that if theres one thing
about life that I wish everyone would consider particularly my peers, and those younger than
me its that youll never do the big things if youre waiting until youre ready to do them
(Walsh). That being said, to wait is sometimes our best decision until we know for sure that we
are ready for that certainty, such as marriage and divorce.

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After many researches about personal experiences of people who went through the lack
of preparation for marriage. Nowadays, this is a common scenario that most people are going
through. So, people need to think critically and realistically to make important choices in life,
such as marriage and divorce.
Domestic violence and abuse are a bigger problem in a relationship,
but people often overlook and deny the fact that they are in great danger.
Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help (Smith & Jeanne),
because Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to
violence (Smith & Jeanne). At the end of the day, we need to look out for
our well-being, including our children, so its important to withdraw ourselves
from an abusive relationship as soon as we can.
The study has shown that violence occurs at least once in two-thirds of all marriages,
and approximately 95% of the victims of domestic violence are women. Roughly 40% of all
physically abused children have also witnessed physical violence between their parents
(Divorcing). This is a serious matter that we need to take action for ourselves and our children.
Several ways we can deal with an abusive relationship are: call the police, leave the house, file
criminal charges if needed, use our civil right, prepare a complaint, and have a basic knowledge
of the domestic violence act (Divorcing). The well-being of our children is very critical;
therefore, a healthy marriage could build a better future for our children mentally and physically.
Divorce is only an acceptable choice, if there are emotional and physical threats in a
marriage. Nowadays, I believe that many common factors that lead to divorce including: lack of
commitment, infidelity, unrealistic expectation, and the lack of equality and preparation in

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marriage, are often caused by human nature. Indeed, we need to take control of our life by
thinking critically and realistically to make important decisions, such as marriage and divorce.

Works Cited Page

Berl, Rachel. Infidelity: Can Couples Move Past it? U.S. News. 7 Sept 2012. 24 Nov 2016.
Blanv, Tara. The Myth of the Perfect Marriage. PsychCentral. 24 Nov 2016.
Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. Heintzelman, Ashley., Murdock, Nancy.,
Krycak Romana., and Seay, Larissa. Recovery from infidelity: Differentiation of self,
trauma, forgiveness, and posttraumatic growth among couples in continuing
relationships. Wisconsin U. Vol 3(1), Mar 2014, 24 Nov 2016, 13-29William, Doherty.
How Common is divorce and what are the reasons? The Writer of His Work. 24 Nov
2016: 42-44.
Divorcing from an Abusive Spouse: What you Need to Know Page. North Carolina Divorce. 24
Nov 2016.
Equality in Dating Relationships Page. U of Wisconsin. 24 Nov 2016.
Hagen, Stacey. 10 Ways Overcome Conflicts in Relationships and Grow Together.
Tinybuddha.com. 24 Nov 2016.
Hillin, Taryn. Study Says Forgiveness Matters Most When Overcoming Infidelity. The
Huffington Post. 24 April 2014, 24 Nov 2016.
Nicastro, Richard. Commitment: The Essential Ingredient In Your Relationship.
SelfGrowth.com. 24 Nov 2016.
Smith, Melinda., and Segal Jeanne. Domestic Violence and Abuse. HelpGuide.Org. lat ed. Dec
2016. 24 Nov 2016.

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Walsh, Matt. Personal Blog. 7 Feb 2014. 24 Nov 2016.

Why Are Equal and Respectful Relationships Essential? Youandirespect.com, 24 Nov 2016.
Why Commitment Matters. TwoOfUs.org. 24 Nov 2016.