CAL AND GRADY

Episode 4: "No Pools Were Cleaned on the 3rd of July"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2016

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT (CALS BEDROOM) - DAY

1
CAL (28) is sleeping. GRADY (28) walks into his bedroom.
GRADY
Dude. Get up. We got to go to work.
CAL
Im skipping work, so I can
celebrate the 3rd of July
GRADY
Arent you supposed to wait a day,
and celebrate the 4th of July?
CAL
No. You know Joey from down the
street?
GRADY
Yeah. Hes my brother.
CAL
Well, he was telling me something
about how George Washington chopped
down that cherry tree on Tuesday,
and not Wednesday. So if you, um,
extrapolate the data, that means
the 4th of July is actually on the
3rd of July.
GRADY
Bro. Even if your extrapolation is
right, so what? My pool cleaning
company doesnt take the 3rd of
July off. Were still gonna go
clean Mathew McConaugheys pool.
CAL
The union says I get the day off.
GRADY
Theres no union. Youre my
companys only employee.
CAL
Well. Im uniting with myself.
Cal puts his hands in his pants.

2.
CAL
The union wants to renegotiate with
management.
GRADY
Im already paying you half of my
profits.
CAL
Well. We, the union, reject your
offer of half. And we demand 50% of
the profits.
GRADY
Heres my counteroffer. You can
kiss 50% of my ass! OK? Ill give
you half of the profits, and thats
it. Im not giving you 50% of the
profits.
CAL
50%!
GRADY
Half!
CAL
50%!
GRADY
Half!
CAL
Well as the head of the union, Im
now on strike.
GRADY
Oh yeah?! Well, as the owner of the
company, Im now on strike.
Grady puts his hands in his pants.
2

EXT. HOT DOG STAND - DAY

Cal and Grady are seated at a table and eating hot dogs.
CAL
Man. Striking is freaking crazy.
GRADY
Yeah. I wonder how long the strike
is gonna last.

3.

CAL
Your strike or my strike?
GRADY
I dont know. Im kind of confused.
Like, how does the whole strike
thing work?
CAL
Um. You know Joey from down the
block?
GRADY
Yeah. Hes my brother.
CAL
Right. He said that during the
Cesar Chavez strike, they stopped
eating grapes.
GRADY
OK. So, uh--no more grapes for us,
until this strike ends.
They continue eating for a few seconds.
GRADY
Dude. I could really go for some
grapes right now.
CAL
I know. Thats what I was
thinking. But, you know. Theres a
strike. So no grapes.
GRADY
Yeah. ... You know, Im giving some
serious thought to crossing the
picket line.
CAL
Me, too. I mean, this no grape
thing has gone on for long enough.
Im having grape withdrawal
symptoms.
GRADY
Wait a second. Caesar Chavez worked
at a grape factory. But we work at
Matthew McConaugheys swimming
pool.

4.

CAL
Right. Yeah. So we should protest
water instead of grapes.
GRADY
Yeah. No water for us.
CAL
Well drink grape juice
instead. ... Dude, maybe we should
get new jobs during our strikes, so
well still make money and stuff.
GRADY
Yeah. Maybe Ill go work for my
father.
CAL
And Ill, um, like, start a
business or something.
3

INT. CANDY FACTORY - DAY

DENNIS (55) and Grady are wearing high hats and standing in
front of a candy conveyor belt (recreating the classic scene
in I Love Lucy).
DENNIS
OK, Grady. We have to wrap every
piece of chocolate that comes off
of this conveyor belt.
The conveyor belt starts moving, and Dennis and Grady start
wrapping the chocolate. Pretty soon, they cant keep pace
with the chocolate, so they start shoving the pieces into
their pants, juggling them, and throwing them at walls.
GRADY
This isnt what you do for a
living.
DENNIS
What do you mean?
GRADY
I mean, this is a scene from I Love
Lucy. You dont work at this candy
factory. You import chamomile tea
for a living.

5.

DENNIS
Right.
4

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Dennis and Grady are seated in a small office.

DENNIS
OK, Grady. This is where I work. My
company is the largest chamomile
tea importer north of the Eastern
Hemisphere. Alright. Now, watch me
as I run my company. Watch real
closely.
They sit silently.
GRADY
Um. Let me ask a question, dad.
What do you do here?
DENNIS
Well. Theres chamomile tea in some
other place. So my company is all
like, "Hey. You know how theres
chamomile tea in some other place?
Lets import that chamomile tea, to
not some other place. Lets import
it to this place."
GRADY
But what do you do to import the
tea?
DENNIS
I sit in this chair.
TOMMY
And...?
DENNIS
And when the chamomile tea gets
here...
He takes out a one item checklist attached to a clipboard.
DENNIS
I checkmark this box that says
"chamomile tea." Thats part one.

6.

GRADY
Whats part two?
DENNIS
After the tea gets here, I wait for
some other truck to pick up the tea
and deliver it to my buyer.
GRADY
And?
DENNIS
And then I put a smiley face next
to the checkmark. And thats part
two.
GRADY
Whats part three?
DENNIS
Part three involves waiting for
more chamomile tea to get here.
GRADY
Thats the same as part one.
DENNIS
Right. Yeah. Part three is a repeat
of part one. And part four is a
repeat of part two. And part five
is a repeat of part three. And part
six...
GRADY
What kind of a fucking job is this?
Theres no action. Like, let me ask
you this. Where do you import your
tea from?
Dennis turns to BOB (40), whos sitting at the desk next to
him.
DENNIS
Bob--where do we import our tea
from?
BOB
Fekmekistan.
DENNIS
(to Grady)
Fekmekistan.

7.

GRADY
Is that in Idaho or something?
DENNIS
(to Bob)
Bob--is that in Idaho or something?
BOB
Its a country that
borders Dukdukgoosistan, Maruda,
and the DaGilligan Republic.
DENNIS
The Skipper, too.
GRADY
So were just gonna sit around, and
wait for tea to get here?
DENNIS
... Yes. ... Bob--is the chamomile
tea here yet?
BOB
... No.
Dennis looks at the paper on his clipboard. Then he takes a
bag of cocaine out of his pocket, pours its contents onto
the paper, and snorts the cocaine in one swoop.
GRADY
Uh. One more question, dad.
DENNIS
Let me guess. You want to know what
color the checkmark is.
GRADY
Uh. No. I want to know what you
just snorted a line of.
DENNIS
Oh. Right. Yeah. I forgot to
mention part two and a half, and
part three and a half. After I put
down a checkmark or a smiley face,
I spend a few days or weeks
snorting cocaine.
GRADY
How can you afford all that
cocaine?

8.
DENNIS
Bob--how can I afford all that
cocaine?
BOB
Well. Take a look at our companys
financial documents.
He hands Dennis a cocktail napkin, and Dennis reads off of
it.
DENNIS
Chamomile Tea Sales: $247
million. Chamomile Tea Expenses:
$187 million. Bobs Salary:
$60,000. Printer Ink: 8 cents.
Cocaine: $59,900,000. Net Profit:
$39,999.92.
GRADY
Um. I think maybe you should cut
down on your expenses.
DENNIS
(snorts another line of
cocaine)
I agree 100%.
(to Bob)
Bob--we gotta use less printer ink.
GRADY
When I said "expenses," I wasnt
talking about the printer ink.
DENNIS
Right.
(to Bob)
Bob--youre fired.
GRADY
I wasnt talking about Bobs
salary. I was talking about
cocaine.
DENNIS
Listen, Grady. I snort genuine
Colombian yayo. Im not gonna
switch to Panamanian yayo just to
save 15 or 20 million dollars a
year. If were gonna cut down
expenses, how about we go down to
Fekmekistan, and negotiate tea
prices directly with the
Fekmexicans.

9.

BOB
Theyre called Fekmekistanis.
Dennis snorts some more cocaine.
DENNIS
The Skipper, too.
5

EXT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Cal standing on the sidewalk, and holding a bunch of grapes.

CAL
(to himself)
OK. Since grapes arent off limits,
my new job is running a winery.
Now, according to I Love Lucy, you
make wine by having Italian women
stomp on grapes.
He walks up to a WOMAN (25).
CAL
Excuse me. Can you take off your
shoes?
She slaps him.
CAL
One more question. Are you Italian?
She slaps him again.
6

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI STREET - DAY

Dennis is holding a Disneyland Map. Grady is standing near
him.
DENNIS
Alright. According to this map, the
teacups are that way.
GRADY
Dad. Thats a map of Disneyland.
DENNIS
So?
GRADY
We just landed in Fekmekistan.

10.

DENNIS
Right.
(to a Fekmekistani Man)
Excuse me, akhmigo. Can you tell us
a little something about your
country?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
Well. Lets see. Fekmekistan is an
ali-garchy.
GRADY
What the hell is an ali-garchy?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
It is a form of government where
the leaders name is Ali Garchy. Do
you know Ali Garchy?
GRADY
No.
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
Well. Ali Garchi is our leader.
DENNIS
Very interesting. What else can you
tell us about Fekmekistan?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
Well. Our chief products
are camels, chamomile tea, cocaine,
and Chipotle burritos.
DENNIS
And where can we buy a few tons of
chamomile tea?
FEKMEKISTANI MAN
At the the FCC. The Fekmekistani
Chamomile Company.
Dennis looks around, and sees dozens of large buildings that
say FCC, along with a few camels walking around on dirt
roads.
7

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT - DAY

AGNES (80) is watching TV. Cal walks in holding a bunch of
grapes.

11.

CAL
Agnes. I just started my own
winery. Are you Italian?
AGNES
No.
CAL
Whatever. Can you just pretend to
be Italian?
AGNES
No. I hate Italians. Im white.
CAL
Italians are white.
AGNES
Theyre not white enough. Irish
people are the only true white
people. Italians are not
particularly white. Let me break it
down for you. Conan OBrien is
white. Rocky Balboa is off white.
Apollo Creed is very off white,
a.k.a a negro. I also dont like
Jews.
CAL
Agnes. Can we please focus on
something serious--like business?
AGNES
Fine. Talk about business.
CAL
OK. Business. I have a bunch of
grapes in my hand, and Im trying
to turn them into wine, via an
Italian woman, or a non-Italian
woman pretending to be Italian.
AGNES
Cal. Im just saying. Rocky would
be a much better movie if Rocky
Balboa were Irish guy named Angus
McMacMcDougal.

12.

NT. FCC - DAY

Dennis and Grady walk into some sort of a store / business.

A WOMAN greets them.
WOMAN
Welcome to the FCC. What do you
want?
DENNIS
Ten tons.
WOMAN
OK. Thatll be 43
billion Fekmekistani rubles.
DENNIS
Grady--do you have any Fekmekistani
rubles on you? Im all out.
GRADY
Im all out, too. Plus, Im pretty
sure Fekmekistani rubles are a
bullshit currency.
WOMAN
Fekmekistani currency is backed by
camel shit--not bullshit.
DENNIS
Can we pay in US dollars?
WOMAN
Sure. Your total comes out to $500.
DENNIS
(to Grady)
OK, son. Heres where we negotiate.
(to Woman)
$500?! Come on, akhmigo. I didnt
come to Fekmekistan to pay high
prices like that. How about, less
than $500?
WOMAN
I cant do any better than $500.
Except for $400. I can do $400. And
I must admit, $400 is better than
$500. But let me just say this. I
cant do any better than $400.
Except for maybe $300.

13.

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT - DAY

CAL
Alright. I ditched the Italian
plan. I got one thats way
better. My winerys gonna eliminate
the middleman.
AGNES
Whos the middleman?
CAL
The Italian women. And the grapes.
I dont need Italian women or
grapes to make man. No middleman.
AGNES
Also, no wine.
CAL
Yes wine. You see, I can buy a
gallon of Vics Very Dirty Vodka
for $12.28. And I can buy a jug of
grape juice at the 99 Cent Store
for, like, um, like...
AGNES
99 cents?
CAL
Yeah. 99 cents. So Ill just, like,
mix 25 cents worth of Vics Very
Dirty Vodka with 25 cents worth of
99 cent grape juice, and put
everything in a 25 cent wine
bottle.
AGNES
And then what?
CAL
Um. Like. And then Ill play Xbox.
And then Ill sell my wine, for,
like, more than 25 cents plus 25
cents plus 25 cents. In other
words, Ill sell the product for
more than it costs to make it. Does
that count as a business?
AGNES
Well. If you actually sell that
concoction, then yes, it counts as
a business. But otherwise, its
(MORE)

14.

AGNES (contd)
just you being a lunatic who mixes
the cheapest alcohol in the world
with the cheapest grape juice in
the world.
CAL
Right. Yeah. So, either way, I
win.
10

INT. BUDGET RENT-A-CAMEL-OR-SHIP

Dennis and Grady walk in. A MAN greets them.
MAN
Welcome to Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship.
DENNIS
Hi. We need to deliver some stuff
to America.
MAN
I see. Well. Theres a sea between
here and America. So you can either
rent a ship, or you can rent camels
and teach them how to swim.
DENNIS
(to Grady)
I think I can get those camels to
do a breaststroke.
GRADY
(to Man)
Well take one ship. No camels.
MAN
OK. Here are the keys.
He hands Grady a keychain attached to two giant keys.
MAN
When you land the ship in America,
just take to it your nearest Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship.
GRADY
We dont have Budget
Rent-a-Camel-or-Ship in America. We
have Budget Rent-a-Car.

10

15.

MAN
Oh. Thats weird. But, um, yeah. I
guess you can give the ship to
them.
11

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT / DINHS HOME - DAY 11

Cal leaves his home, walks over to his neighbor Dinhs home,
and rings the bell. DINH (45, Vietnamese, thick accent)
opens the door.
DINH
Are you here for my real estate
seminar?
CAL
No.
DINH
What do you mean "no?" Listen,
baby. I can show you how to make a
fortune in real estate. For
instance, you can use reverse
toileting.
CAL
What the hell is reverse toileting?
DINH
Well. You buy a home, remove all
the toilets, and then sell the home
for a $100,000 reverse profit,
baby.
CAL
Yeah. Ill have to try that out.
But, uh, I was just wondering. When
all those guys come over to your
house every Thursday night, what do
you all do?
DINH
Well. Were Vietnamese. So that
means we gamble, baby. All night.
CAL
And do you drink?
DINH
Well. Were Vietnamese gamblers--so
that means we drink, and smoke, and
say things like, "Deal me in,
(MORE)

16.

DINH (contd)
baby." Vietnamese gamblers use the
word "baby" more often than white
people use the word "the."
CAL
Listen up, baby. My winery just
came out with a new wine. Retail
price, $5 million a bottle. But Im
gonna give you the introductory
rate of just $10 a bottle.
DINH
Wine? Were Vietnamese gamblers,
baby. We drink the hard stuff. Come
to my real estate seminar.
CAL
Oh. Well. My wine is specially
formulated for Vietnamese gamblers.
Its called "Bong Sing Choc Fi."
That means "Really Good Strong
Wine."
DINH
No it doesnt. "Bong Sing Choc Fi"
means "Holy moly--I have too much
pubic hair.
CAL
Oh. Well. I meant to say "Fo Shei
Du Tu."
DINH
Your underwear is made of chicken
feathers?
CAL
How do you say "Really Good Strong
Wine" in Vietnamese?
DINH
"Sao Pshay Me Foo." By the way--the
Vietnamese language is called
Tagalog.
CAL
Whatever. How many bottles do you
want?
DINH
96, baby.

17.

12

EXT. FEKMEKISTANI HARBOR - EARLY EVENING

12

WORKERS are loading sacks onto a ship, while Dennis

supervises, and Grady makes a phone call.
13

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

Cal picks up the phone.
CAL
Whats going on, bro?
(Back and forth between the Apartment and the Fekmekistani
Harbor)
GRADY
Dude--Im just waiting for the
strike to end. And in the meantime,
Im working with my dad
in Fekmekistan.
CAL
Awesome. They got good camels over
there. Have you ever tried camel
milk before?
GRADY
Yes. You ask me that, like, every
week.
CAL
Right. Yeah.
GRADY
So is your strike still on?
CAL
Yeah. But my winery business is
making bank--cause I cut out the
middleman, by mixing 99 cent grape
juice with Vics Very Dirty Vodka.
GRADY
Vics Very Dirty Vodka? You know,
thats not made from potatoes. Its
made from radishes, rope, and
concrete. If you drink more than
three shots of that vodka, youll
start thinking youre a pirate from
North Dakota.

13

18.

CAL
Well. I put, like, seven shots of
vodka in each bottle of my wine.
GRADY
That sounds like a lot. But, uh, I
guess its no big deal--unless you
sold eight cases of your wine to a
bunch of Vietnamese gamblers.
CAL
Funny that you should bring that
up. I just sold eight cases to
Dinh. And hes gonna have his
Vietnamese gambler friends over
tonight.
GRADY
Dude. That could totally get out of
hand. Cheap vodka and Vietnamese
gamblers arent a good mix. That
could lead to, like, some sort of
Vietnamese kickboxing royal rumble.
CAL
Um. Well. Dinhs friends started
coming over five minutes ago. Ill
go check on them and see whats
happening. When are you getting
back, bro?
GRADY
Were gonna set sail soon. So we
should arrive in LA, like,
whenever.
CAL
Alright. Cool. Later.
GRADY
Later.
14

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT - EARLY EVENING

14

Cal walks out of his home, and over to Dinhs home. He looks
in the window, and sees Dinh and 5 VIETNAMESE MEN beating
the crap out of each other.

19.

15

EXT. SHIP / SEA - EARLY EVENING

15

Dennis and Grady are on a ship sailing in the sea. Dennis is

looking at his Disneyland map.
DENNIS
According to this map, were
currently sailing past Space
Mountain.
GRADY
Dad--will you please put away that
Disneyland map? Use this map.
Grady hands him another map.
DENNIS
Right. Yeah. According to this map,
were currently sailing past a
country called Dukdukgoosistan.
They look and see a bunch of DUKDUKGOOSISTANIS playing a
game of Duck Duck Goose outside.
DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN
Okay. This game is to see who
becomes the new President. Ready?
He starts patting peoples heads and going around the
circle.
DUKDUKGOOSISTANI MAN
Duck, duck, duck, duck...
DENNIS
How much longer till we get to LA?
GRADY
Well. Like, I mean, its probably
gonna take way longer than it did
to fly to Fekmekistan. Cause ships
travel in knots, and planes travel
in, like, light years. So, I dont
know. I guess well get there
tomorrow morning, or whenever.
DENNIS
Well. Its a good thing I brought
400 Chipotle burritos.
Theres a mountain of Chipotle burritos on the ship.

20.

16

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT (CALS BEDROOM) - DAY

16
Cal is in bed. He wakes up. He walks out of his room...

17

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY 17

...through the living room, and out of the front door...

18

EXT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT - DAY

18

...and over to Dinhs home. He rings the doorbell, and Dinh

answers it.
DINH
Good morning, baby. Did you come
for my real estate seminar?
CAL
Uh. No. I was just wondering. How
did last night go?
DINH
Oh. You know. The usual. We played
some poker, we smoked, we drank,
and we beat the living shit out of
each other.
CAL
Thats the usual? You usually beat
the living shit out of each other?
DINH
Of course, baby. I mean, were
Vietnamese gamblers--not
Singaporean dental hygienists.
Actually, no. Bad example.
Singaporean dental hygienists are
extremely violent. Theyre even
more violent than Vietnamese
gambler. If you ever get tooth
decay in Singapore, dont go to a
dental hygienist, baby. Just have a
veterinarian work on your teeth.
Come to real estate seminar, where
Ill show you how to make millions.
CAL
Well. Um. What about the wine I
sold you yesterday?

21.

DINH
We drank it all, baby.
CAL
Great. Do you want another eight
cases?
DINH
I dont think so, baby. Your wine
tastes a little too much like dey
shi no ming chao singh doh chi fo
lein pu sing.
CAL
What does that mean?
DINH
Kibbles and Bits. Dog food, baby.
19

EXT. SHIP / SEA - DAY

DENNIS
Alright. America is in sight. Lets
get ready to unload the chamomile
tea. Take these bags to the back of
the ship.
Grady attempts to pick up one of the bags.
GRADY
This seems way heavier
than chamomile tea.
DENNIS
Thats because they gave us
powdered, concentrated, white
chamomile. See?
Dennis opens the bag and shows its contents to Grady.
GRADY
This is powdered, concentrated,
white chamomile?
DENNIS
What else could it be? I mean, its
way too white, way too powdered,
and way too heavy to be normal
chamomile.

19

22.

GRADY
Well. It might be cocaine.
Dennis snorts some powder from the bag.
DENNIS
OK. Now this is why I only snort
Colombian yayo. Fekmekistani yayo
isnt as good.
He snorts some more.
DENNIS
I will say this, though.
Fekmekistani yayo is really good.
He snorts some more. The then takes out his phone and makes
a call.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
FCC. How can I help you?
DENNIS
Um. I made a large purchase from
you earlier today. And you guys
gave me cocaine.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Right.
DENNIS
Wheres the chamomile?
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
What chamomile?
DENNIS
The chamomile I bought from you.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
What the hell are you talking
about?
DENNIS
The chamomile tea. I bought from
you.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Oh. I see what happened. You got us
mixed up with the FCC--the
Fekmekistani Chamomile Company.
Were the the FCC--the Fekmekistani
Cocaine Company.

23.

GRADY
You just said "FCC" twice. And you
emphasized the second C in both of
those FCCs.
WOMAN (ON PHONE)
Right. The Fekmekistani Chamomile
Company is the FCC. And
the Fekmekistani Cocaine
Corporation is the FCC. As opposed
to the Fekmekistani Camel
Company--which is the FCC. And then
theres the Fekmekistani Chipotle
Company--which is the FCC.
DENNIS
Well. That clears everything up.
He hangs up.
GRADY
OK. Weve got ten tons of
Fekmekistani yayo on this ship.
DENNIS
Do you think well be able to trade
it for five tons of Colombian yayo?
GRADY
Well, dad. I dont know the
conversion rates between
Fekmekistani yayo and Colombian
yayo. But I do know that yayo in
general is illegal here.
DENNIS
Its medicinal yayo. I have
glaucoma.
They arrive in some sort of port, and an INSPECTOR
immediately gets on their ship.
INSPECTOR
Do you have anything to declare?
DENNIS
I have glaucoma. That why Im gonna
treat with ten tons of cocaine.
INSPECTOR
Cocaines illegal! You have ten
tons of cocaine at home?

24.

DENNIS
No.
INSPECTOR
Then where? Whats in those bags?
DENNIS
Tea.
INSPECTOR
Well whered you get that tea?
DENNIS
Fekmekistan.
INSPECTOR
Well. Youre gonna have to pay
taxes on that tea. Now let me take
a look at it, to see if it is tea.
DENNIS
(loudly, so a bunch of MEN on
land nearby can hear)
I have to pay taxes on this tea!?
The Men look at Dennis.
INSPECTOR
Well. Yeah.
DENNIS
(loudly)
On the 4th of July!?
INSPECTOR
Yes, on the 4th of July.
DENNIS
(loudly)
Let me show you something.
He holds up his Disneyland Map.
DENNIS
(loudly)
This is the Declaration of
Constitution.
INSPECTOR
Its a Disneyland map.

25.

DENNIS
(loudly)
And in the Declaration of
Constitution, Episode Three,
Article Four, Route 66, it says,
"Read my lips: no tea taxes!"
MEN
Yeah!
DENNIS
(to the Men)
Patriots! Come aboard this ship,
and join me as I dump this tea in
the ocean, to protest the tea taxes
imposed upon us by Tony Blair, and,
um, Ringo Star.
The Men get on the ship, and they and Dennis dump the bags
into the ocean and chant:
MEN & DENNIS
(chanting)
Read our lips / No tea taxes / Read
our lips / No tea taxes
20

INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNESS APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY 20

Cal and Agnes are watching TV, and theyre each holding a
bottle of Cals brand of wine and taking swigs.
CAL
Well. Im out of the wine-making
business. This is the last of my
inventory--aside from the 63
bottles I have in our wine cellar.
AGNES
We dont have a wine cellar.
CAL
Oh. Well then, our bathroom.
Grady walks in through the front door.
GRADY
What up?
CAL
Happy day-after-the-3rd-of-July.

26.

AGNES
You mean, the 4th of July?
CAL
I dont believe in that date.
(to Grady)
Dude--you smell like cocaine and
Chipotle.
GRADY
Right. Yeah. I just got back from
Fekmekistan--remember?
CAL
So how did it go?
GRADY
Lets just say that there are a few
million coked up fish and dolphins
in the ocean right now.
CAL
Which ocean?
GRADY
I dont know. The one thats in
between Fekmekistan and America.
(notices them drinking wine)
Agnes--why are you drinking wine? I
thought you were whiskey only.
CAL
Were just drinking the inventory
from my winery.
Agnes finished her bottle, and then throws it against the
wall.
AGNES
Someone go tot he bathroom and get
me another bottle.
GRADY
(to Cal)
Bro. How much money is your winery
making?
CAL
Well. I sold 96 bottles to Dinh,
and then no bottles to anyone, and
then I declared bankruptcy. The
wine business is tough. You gotta
get bottles, you gotta make wine,
(MORE)

27.

CAL (contd)
and then you gotta eliminate the
Kibble and Bits flavor from your
wine.
GRADY
Right. ... Why the hell would your
wine taste like dog food?
CAL
I dont know. Maybe Joey from down
the block knows.
(turns to to Joey)
Joey--why the hell would my wine
taste like dog food?
JOEY (30) is sitting on another sofa, drinking a bottle of
wine.
JOEY
I dont know.
CAL
(to Grady)
Anyways--I think we should, like,
focus on ending the strike now.
GRADY
How do we do that?
CAL
Joey--how do you end a strike?
JOEY
Well. Lets see. During the 1970 US
Postal Workers Strike, President
Ray Romano entered negotiations
with union leader Hulk Hogan.
GRADY
Right. Yeah.
(to Cal)
We need to negotiate.
CAL
I want 50% of the profits.
GRADY
The hell with that. Ill give you
half of the profits.

28.

CAL
50%.
GRADY
Half.
CAL
50%!
GRADY
Half!
JOEY
I have an idea. How about
(to Grady)
you argue for 50 percent, and
(to Cal)
you argue for half.
CAL
I dont know.
(to Grady)
What do you think?
GRADY
Um. Lets try it.
CAL
Half!
GRADY
50%!
CAL
Half!
GRADY
50%!
CAL
I agree!
GRADY
Me, too!
CAL
Wow. That really worked. Joey from
down the block is a genius.
GRADY
Yeah. He is a genius.

29.

AGNES
Actually, hes a moron. Just like
the two of you.