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Confidence: The Secret - Chapter 1
Confidence: The Secret - Chapter 1
CHAPTER
What is Confidence?
I think weve all got a pretty good idea of what confidence is:
its when you feel self-assured, on top of your game, when you
know what youre doing and know that you can do it well.
Isnt it?
Well, for me, theres so much more to it than that. For a start,
confidence can vary enormously, depending on the situation were
in, the way we feel about ourselves on any particular day and
whats happening in our lives at that time.
Ive met women who are confident about running a company
but who tell me they have no confidence at all when it comes to
how they dress. I know adults who seem really sociable one-on-one
but who confess they are painfully shy at parties. And Ive also
met plenty of people who seem more than capable running their
own lives but who say that they become frozen with panic at the
prospect of looking after a small child.
Were none of us perfect, and none of us feel equally confident
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in every part of our lives. But when you dig a little deeper you
can see that those people who exude genuine confidence all have
something in common: they believe that they are worthwhile,
they value themselves and feel good about themselves no matter
what situation they are in.
Thats the kind of confidence we all deserve to have.
Self-Esteem
For me, real confidence stems from self-esteem. A lot of people
think that confidence is the same thing as self-esteem, but conversations Ive had with therapists and psychologists have convinced
me that its not.
Confidence is our belief in our own abilities in other words,
whether we expect to be good at something and able to cope or
not. But self-esteem is how you regard and rate yourself overall.
Its not about specific situations, its about the way you see
yourself.
Esteem comes from estimate. Self-esteem is your estimation
of your own value. High self-esteem means feeling that you are
essentially worthwhile and valuable, no matter whether youre
good at something or havent a clue. It doesnt mean that you
always know what you are doing, or that things always go right,
but it means that when they go wrong you dont feel bad about
yourself, or blame yourself out of all proportion.
So, what difference does it make to your confidence if you have
low self-esteem? The answer is, a lot.
The reason for this is that people who have low self-esteem, and
who therefore estimate or rate themselves in a very negative way,
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Unlovable
Unlikable
Stupid
Hopeless
No good at anything.
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you have high-self esteem that pain soon passes and, at your core,
you will still feel valuable and worthwhile.
High self-esteem, a positive view of ourselves, has to come from
inside. It doesnt come from something someone says or from
an event or occurrence such as getting the job you wanted or
falling in love it comes from within yourself and it has to be a
conscious choice. You can choose to do and think the things that
will raise your self-esteem, or you can do the opposite and feel
worse about yourself.
So what is it we need to do, or think, in order to have a higher
level of self-esteem? Well, there are certain behaviours that by
their nature make us feel good about ourselves. And by good I
dont mean smug or self-congratulatory, I mean that they give us
a genuine sense of worth.
Here are some examples:
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most of the time I was only just about coping. I also felt like Id
lost the right to not cope.
At night, after a 12- or 14-hour day at work, Id go back to my
flat feeling totally worn out. I was living alone, with no one to
talk to about all the demands of my day, all my plans, worries,
fears and doubts. With nobody to offload to, instead Id have a
comforting glass of wine.
I knew I needed to find a better way to handle the pressure.
Especially when a friend said, Wow, you drink a lot.
So, after talking to the counsellor I started to say no. Its not
easy a bit like trying to flex a withered muscle. You have to
build it up, bit by bit. But after a while I began to find it easier to
say, Sorry, I cant do that, Im not up to it, I cant fulfil that role,
I cant fit that in. I still wanted to be as helpful as possible, so
when I could Id say, I cant do it, but I know someone who can.
And as I began to say no more often, I also began to learn that
sometimes, when you say no to others, you say yes to yourself.
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explode that you realise youve been running on empty for a while,
without putting anything back in the tank.
To look after yourself properly, to feel able to say no when you
need to, you have to know yourself. You have to be able to ask
yourself, what is it that I need right now? That may sound simple,
but actually, when youre caught up in the whirlwind of life, it can
be easy to lose track of what you need. And if you dont check
in with yourself regularly, not knowing what you need, and as a
result not meeting your needs, can become a habit.
What you need might be as simple as five minutes to yourself with
a cup of tea, an hour at the gym, an early night, or a laugh with a
friend. Only you can know. And only you can say yes to yourself.
It can be even harder with children around. They want you,
need you, make demands on you, depend on you and most of
the time delight you. It can be terribly easy to keep saying yes.
But the occasional no is good for your kids and good for you.
As the Foundation grew and my role became more public, I
had to learn to say no to some of the requests I was receiving,
and instead to say yes to a bit more me time. The difference it
made was fantastic. I started to think more about which things I
wanted to do, about which things would have the most impact,
and which ones I could in good conscience say no to. And as I
did, I got to know myself better, I felt stronger, braver and happier.
The funny thing is, no one seemed to mind me saying no. Much
to my amazement, the world didnt fall apart! In fact, Im assured
by those closest to me, I became a little more relaxed, available
for the fun stuff in life and a bit less uptight. Really? Me, uptight?
I have to laugh here, because I know I can be a bit of a perfectionist, a bit on the bossy side. I am prone to anxiety and can
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Fighting Spirit
I had been a conventionally pretty girl, but Id taken my looks for
granted. After my attack, my face had to be rebuilt, bit by bit, in
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but were also helping other people find strength and courage to
deal with the problems in their own lives. Not necessarily those
with burns or injuries, but people with all kinds of challenges,
issues, doubts and fears. In those talks I told the story of how,
after what happened to me, I took back control of my life and
turned it around, and by sharing my experiences with audiences
I discovered I was giving encouragement to others. People told
me I was brave, but I thought, well, sometimes being brave is the
only choice you have.
These days, I love giving talks: it boosts my spirits to be reminded
of the journey Ive been on and the challenges Ive overcome. I
still get butterflies each time before I start, but I know now that
people want to hear what I have to say, that theyre interested
and supportive. And Im not telling a story about something
horrendous that happened, with nothing but gory details and
negativity, Im telling a story about keeping hope alive, of success
and achievement despite how hard it was, and of how I was able
to move forward and reclaim my future.
I often open my talks with a line borrowed from a political
speech given by Gordon Brown on International Womens Day:
You can survive without food for three weeks; you can survive
without water for three days and without air for three minutes;
but you cannot survive without hope.
Its a powerful message, and one that holds true. When you feel
lost in the dark, in pain, afraid and with no clear way forward, its
hope that carries and sustains you. We are, all of us, lucky enough
to have the capacity for hope, and that is what propels us through
the most difficult of times.
The incredibly hard work involved in establishing and building
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the four teenagers in the car, she was the most seriously injured.
After six months in a spinal injuries unit, she finally went home in
a wheelchair, paralysed from the chest down and with extremely
limited movement in her hands.
All Jordans hopes and dreams seemed to be over. She now
needed help with everything, which meant no privacy or independence, and she struggled to see a future for herself.
I was on antidepressants, Jordan says. I really felt my life was
over. But one of the things I still had was the internet. One day I
discovered a guided meditation video on YouTube and I thought,
why not? I kept going back to it every day and I began to feel so
much happier. I got a webcam and decided to make some videos,
just for myself, really, I never expected anyone to look at them. But
to my surprise a handful of people did watch them and a couple
of them said, I like your make-up. That sparked an idea why
not post make-up videos? Id always loved make-up.
My biggest challenge was teaching myself how to put it on,
because I cant control my fingers. But I taught myself a way of
holding the brushes using my hands and mouth, and although at first
it was a disaster, I practised over and over again until I could do it.
Jordans YouTube channel and the blog that followed (Jordans
Beautiful Life) now have many thousands of followers, including
Kylie Jenner, one of the famed Kardashian family and daughter
of Kris and Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner.
When I came across Jordans blog and videos, I was amazed
by her skill with make-up and loved her ideas. I learned such a
lot by watching her. Like many of her viewers, I had no clue how
challenging it was for her to put on her make-up, until she posted
a very personal and moving video titled My Beautiful Struggle,
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