What It Means When Someone Tells You 'You're Too

Sensitive'
... and why it can hurt so much.

In hindsight, I realize I was reacting more to my friends tone more than her words. But at the
moment, all I knew was that I felt hurt and needed to step away and think. Was I right to feel hurt or
was I overreacting? She was scolding me, but what she said wasnt wrong or even particularly
cruel, so why was I upset?
After a few minutes, my friend came outside to where I had been brooding. "Oh, come on,"
she said, with unconcealed exasperation. Dont be a weirdo.
Bam, there it wasa cunningly camouflaged version of an accusation Ive heard and hated all my
life: Youre too sensitive.
Ive long believed that youre too sensitive is what people say when theyve said or done
something unkind and want you to believe that they havent. Ive considered it a form of
gaslighting. Still, when you hear something often enough, you eventually consider the possibility
that it might be true.
Im not talking about being a highly sensitive person (HSP), as described by Elaine Aron: HSP is
more of a holistic sensory issue. Im talking about people like me, whose feelings can be hurt by
offhand remarks; people who dont take well to teasing or could be described as thin-skinned.
I dont know if theres a connection between introversion and that kind of sensitivity but I can see
that it might be possible. First, introverts have an unfortunate tendency to ruminate, which can turn
an insult into an infection. We tend not to be quick with comebacks, which, if we were, could help
turn teasing into harmless repartee. We mightand this is one of my problemsneed time to
process our thoughts when something strikes us wrong, which other people interpret as sulking.
But even sois it fair to consider this too sensitive? What is too sensitive? Am I really an overly
sensitive weirdo, or am I just...sensitive? And is that really such a bad thing, or is it just a thing?
Should I toughen up? Is that even possible? Or was I right all along in thinking that my sensitivity is
protection from people who dont have my best interests at heart?
I asked three therapists for their thoughts.

Charles Gaby, a therapist in Dallas, Texas, talked about Tomkinss nine affects (emotions that are
hardwired into us), and the emotional scripts weve written around them. People have different
scripts around all their emotions, depending on how you were socialized to express your feelings.
If, for example, he learned as a child that big boys dont cry, That is scripted: I dont express my
distress." And if his wife is crying? I may have a tendency to see her as too sensitive. But is she too
sensitive or is she just more capable of tolerating the feeling of distress?
Gaby says that at times, everyone can be overly sensitive to certain things, certain criticisms,
certain fears, based on whatever weve experienced in the past. When we experience something that
triggers that old fear, we have a tendency to flood emotionally, and what might have been a
momentary emotional response can turn into a much longer emotional response. When someone
tells me Im being too sensitive, its giving me feedback that my reaction is bigger than the moment
deserves.
Note, though, that Gaby says the reaction is bigger than the moment deserves. Distinguishing
between the feeling and the reaction is important, says New York City therapist Ken Page, who says
he has heard all his life that he is too sensitive, and bristles at the accusation: Someone really needs
to earn the right to ever say that to me, he says.
Page, the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Game of Seduction and Discover the Power of
Intimacy, says that no matter what anyone else tells you, your feelings are not the problem. Its
always smart to think that what youre feeling absolutely has validity because it almost always does,
unless youre psychotic, Page says. If I cant honor my own feelings then I am sadomasochistic
and self-loathing, or a pressure cooker that will eventually blow. If I can say, Yeah, this really did
happen, I can breathe a sigh of relief.
So go ahead and honor your feelings without worrying about being oversensitive or crazy, he says:
If youre feeling like something is off, youre probably right."
And, consider this: Any issue around which you are particularly sensitive is likely to be what Page
calls a core giftsomething about yourself that is precious and essential to who you are. It might
even be your sensitivity. After all, whats really so bad about being sensitive?
In her professional training, Carol Lennox, a therapist in Austin, Texas, learned to use her sensitivity
for good. Gestalt therapists especially do this; were very tuned into our bodies when were
working with a client," she says. "I might say, You look calm, but Im feeling some fear and anger
and I wonder if you feel that too.
Lennox has gained enough control over her sensitivity to be inured to casual jibes from others. And
she points out that sometimes we overreact to things other people say not because they see us in a
hurtful way, but because we see ourselves that way. If somebody says something that you know is
absolutely not true about you, thats ridiculous, youre not even going to get defensive; youre
probably going to laugh, she says. But if they say something that you feel is true, then youre
going to get hurt and angry. So if you do find yourself throwing up defenses, ask yourself, What
are they touching that I believe myself?
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Not surprisingly, the therapists agree that getting a handle on your sensitivity requires examining
your past, figuring out your emotional scripts, and naming the emotions behind your reactions.
Thats all part of evolving into a mature, self-actualized human being.
At the same time, consider this: Maybe you are too sensitive. Maybe you do overreact
sometimes. But the people who love you understand this, honor it as best they can, and give you
room to have your feelings and work them outalone or together with them, as necessary. If
someone ignores or shames you for your reactions, that person might be capable of gaslighting you.
Thats the person you dont want around, says Page.
As it happens, what my friend said was not really the problem. What I reacted to was the emotion I
heard behind her wordsimpatience and anger. Though I didnt realize it at the time, her peevish
tone was sounding the death knell of our relationship. And dont be a weirdo was its death rattle.
This woman no longer speaks to me.

What the 5 Major Personality Traits Mean for You

Plus: What some people resent about each type of person.
Your personality influences everything from the friends you choose to the candidates you vote for,
yet many people never spend much time thinking about their personality traits. Understanding your
personality can give you insight into your strengths and weaknesses. It can also help you gain
insight into how others see you.
Most modern-day psychologists agree there are five major personality types, referred to as the
"five-factor model," and everyone possesses some degree of each.
1. Conscientiousness
People who rank highest in conscientiousness are efficient, well-organized, dependable, and selfsufficient. They prefer to plan things in advance and aim for high achievement. People who rank
lower in conscientiousness may view those with this personality trait as stubborn and obsessive.
Fun fact: Studies show that marrying someone high in conscientiousness increases your
own chance of workplace success, as a conscientious spouse can boost your productivity
and help you achieve the most.
2. Extroversion
People who rank high in extroversion gain energy from social activity. They're talkative, outgoing,
and comfortable in the spotlightbut others may view them as domineering or attention-seeking.
Fun fact: Be on the lookout for a strong handshake. Studies show that men with the
strongest handgrips are most likely to rank high in extroversion and least likely to be
neurotic (see below). However, the same doesn't hold true for women.
3. Agreeableness

Those who rank high in agreeableness are trustworthy, kind, and affectionate toward others. They're
known for pro-social behavior and are often committed to volunteer work and altruistic activities.
Other people, however, may view them as nave and overly passive.
Fun fact: Seek a financial investor who is high in agreeableness. Studies show that
agreeable investors are least likely to lose money from risky trading. But you may want
to avoid an investor who's high in opennessthat personality trait is associated with
overconfidence, which can lead an investor to take excessive risks.
4. Openness to Experience
People who rate high in openness are known for having a broad range of interests and vivid
imaginations. They're curious and creative, and tend to prefer variety to rigid routines. They're
known for their pursuits of self-actualization through intense, euphoric experiences, like meditative
retreats or living abroad. Others may view them as unpredictable and unfocused.
Fun fact: Openness is the only personality trait that consistently predicts political
orientation. Studies show that people high in openness are more likely to endorse
liberalism and more likely to express their political beliefs in general.
5. Neuroticism
Neurotic people experience a high degree of emotional instability. They're more likely to be reactive
and excitable, and they report higher degrees of unpleasant emotions like anxiety and irritability.
Other people may view them as unstable and insecure.
Fun fact: Neurotic people seek acceptance by publishing a lot of pictures on
Facebook. Studies find they're less likely to post comments or updates that could be
seen as controversial, and much more likely to post lots of pictures. (They also have the
most photos per album.)
Understanding the Basics of Personality
An individual's personality remains relatively stable over time. The traits you exhibited at age
seven are likely to predict much of your behavior as an adult. You can, of course, change some of
your traitsit takes hard work and effort to make big changes, but most researchers agree that it is
possible.

The Practical Benefits of a Wandering Mind

When our minds drift off task, they are not necessarily wasting time.

Source: Hal McDonald

In James Thurbers classic 1939 short story The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a henpecked husband
has trouble keeping his mind on the here and now, drifting off instead into fantasies of heroic
exploits in which he selflessly and dramatically steps up to save the day, in whatever colorful
manner it needs to be saved. These flights of fancy provide him a temporary mental escape from
the tyranny of his termagant wife, but his failure to attend his current external circumstances

consistently places him in embarrassing or inconvenient situations.

While few of us are subject to such complete flights of fancy as Walter Mitty is, all of us experience
occasional bouts of mind-wanderingepisodes in which our attention drifts away from the task or
activity at hand and turns inward to our mental reflections on the past, present, and future. Maybe
were reading a book, and suddenly become aware that we have absolutely no idea what the last
three or four pages said. Or perhaps were making our daily commute to work and find ourselves
turning onto the parking lot of our office building with little or no recollection of the miles weve
driven since we turned out of the driveway at our house. When catching ourselves in such a lapse
of exterior attention, our typical reaction is annoyance at our own perceived lack of mental
willpower, and perhaps even a touch of fear at the realization that our bodies have navigated several
miles of rush hour traffic without the conscious guidance of our minds.
Such departures of our attention from our present circumstances can, in fact, be frustrating, or even
downright dangerous depending on the nature of the task from which our mind has wandered. A
growing body of evidence, however, indicates that, in addition to the obvious liabilities it entails,
mind-wandering offers a number of unexpected benefits. A recent behavioral and neuroimaging
study at York University revealed one such benefit.
Participants in the study were asked to write for fifteen minutes on three of their most important
goals in life, and then completed a cognitive task (matching a sequence of shapes on a computer
screen), during which they were periodically interrupted and asked several questions to gauge their
level of attentiveness to the task. At the completion of the task, participants wrote once again for
fifteen minutes on their three most important goals. A comparison of the pre- and post-task writing
samples, in conjunction with self-reports of attentiveness during the cognitive task, revealed that
higher levels of mind-wandering were associated with an increase in the concreteness and
specificity of goal descriptions from the pre- to post-task writing samples. The researchers
concluded that spontaneous thought associated with the mind-wandering state increases futureoriented thinking, which in turn helps to clarify and solidify our future goals.
Neuroimaging scans taken in conjunction with the behavioral study suggested the possibility of a
neural correlate to the process: We conclude that self-generated cognition that arises during the
mind-wandering state can allow goals to be refined, and this depends on neural systems anchored in
the hippocampus. The fact that greater coupling of the hippocampus with other specific neural
networks predicted generation of more concrete goals may represent a mechanism that allows an
individual to mentally stimulate possible paths to goal achievement. These spontaneous mental
simulations can help us refine our strategies for approaching a future goal, allowing us to identify
the ones most likely to get us where we want to go.
The next time youre reading a book and suddenly become aware that your mind has drifted far, far
away from the content of the page in front of you, perhaps you should consider letting it wander
there for a while before calling it back. It is, of course, possible that youre only daydreaming of
impossible acts of heroism or remembering last nights dinner, but its also possible that youre
laying down a fresh layer of asphalt on the highway to future success.

Want to Have a Healthy Affair? Here's How

Some affairs can be psychologically healthy for you. Here are four kinds.
Some time ago I described six different kinds of affairs people have today, and mentioned that an
affair could be psychologically healthy. Many readers have asked me to explain that more fully, so
Im doing that here.
Previously, I described the psychology of six kinds of affairs: the Its Only Lust affair, the "I'llShow-You" affair, the "Just-In-The-Head" affair, the "All-In-The-Family" affair, the "It's-NotReally-An-Affair" affair, and the "Mind-Body" affair.
I described their psychological motives and consequences, neither advocating nor condemning
them. However, affairs usually reflect something about a persons existing relationship thats not
being faced. Easy to do in todays culture, where surveys indicate adultery is no longer the major
reason for divorce, and its increasingly accepted, even advertised. Nevertheless, affairs can be
psychologically healthy for some people. Here are four kinds:
A Marriage In The Dead Zone
Some suffer in a dead relationship, beyond repair. Research shows that an unhappy marriage,
marked by daily conflict, damages your physical and emotional health. Yet, some settle into just
accepting it, becoming numb and depressed without hope for change. Here, an affair can be a
healthy act. It may reflect an unconscious or semi-conscious awareness of a desire to become more
alive, to grow. That is, an affair can provide feelings of affirmation and restore vitality and can
activate courage to leave the marriage, when doing so is the healthiest path. The affair can generate
greater emotional honesty and mature behavior.
Dead relationships exist among both men and women. For example, a man in his 70s felt starved for
intimacy and sex within his long-dead marriage. He believed he and his wife loved each other, but
theyd existed like roommates for years, despite efforts to rekindle things. He was depressed;
resigned to living out his life this way, although he was physically active and engaged in a
successful career. His attraction to someone he met through work slowly blossomed into an affair.
It helped him realize that there could be more to lifemore emotional, spiritual and sexually
connection. That spurred him to explain to his wife that he needed more, but without blame or
criticism. She acknowledged that they loved each other but wanted different things at this point in
their lives. They parted, remaining friends.
A woman in her 40s tried couples therapy and workshops to improve communication and intimacy
with her husband. He participated but remained closed off, inattentive and indifferent. She became
aware of how damaged her self-esteem had become when she became friendly with a co-worker.
She began to feel wanted, attractive and alive again. Soon they began an affair. She felt guilty; the
affair didnt last very long, but it catapulted her towards greater self-confidence and sense of new
possibilities. She concluded, sadly, that the marriage wouldnt resuscitate. She decided to leave her
husband, without regrets but feeling stronger.
A man in a 25-year marriage had lived for years without emotional or sexual connection with his
wife. He wanted them to get help, but his wife declined, saying that things were fine as they were;

that he was expecting too much from marriage. Increasingly lonely, he eventually began an
affair. From it he realized that a relationship could and should be more engaged and mutually
loving. He decided to leave the marriage.

Another person had accepted a secondary role in her relationship, and felt little hope for change.
Along the way she had an affair, and it opened her eyes to understanding how and why shed
become diminished and subordinate in her marriage to a dominating, suffocating husband. She
decided to acknowledge responsibility for unfaithfulness to him. They divorced, and she eventually
remarried. Years later she said that the affair taught her that she needed to learn more about herself
and grow towards greater independence; that her affair opened the way to healthier development
and a healthier relationship.
An Abusive Relationship
Most often its women who are married to a physically or emotionally abusive partner. Their
psychological issuesunmet emotional needs, deep-seated conflicts, and damaged self-image
often render them unable to free themselves, even if they gain insight into how and why they
became drawn into the relationship to begin with. They cant summon the courage or strategy for
leaving. Financial and children issues may also deepen their sense of entrapment and hopelessness.
For some, an affair provides a shot of courage, a propellant for leaving. Feeling loved and affirmed
even if ephemeralcan activate the emotional strengths for leaving an abusive partner; and
determination to seek a better life, despite fears or logistical problems.
One person within an abusive relationship described having felt caught; too frightened to confront
her husband. When she had tried, he erupted in anger and refused to get help, individually or as a
couple. She began an affair, and that awakened her to what a healthy relationship could be like. She
saw that she had toleratedand participated ina destructive relationship. That helped her build
the courage to leave. Another found that her affair enabled her to no longer feel she was alone. It
gave her the strength and courage to leave her emotionally abusive husband. Another person said
that the affair helped change my life, grow and become a much better and stronger person, a better
mother, a more authentic person.

An Incapacitated Spouse
Here, ones partner is permanently incapacitated, mentally and/or physically. For example, a
womans husband had a massive stroke, from which there will be minimal recovery. She takes care
of him, manages the household, and pursues her career. After about five years she realized how
much she yearned for emotional and sexual intimacy. That was no longer possible with her husband.
She struggled with this for some time, and sought help to understand her feelings and needs. She
loved her husband, but felt very lonely. Eventually she began a relationship with someone she had
known for years, himself a widower who understood her situation and ambivalence. She decided
that a relationship with him was right for her. Now she felt more alive, understanding that some

might condemn her choice.

An Affair Rekindles Your Marriage
An unanticipated consequence to some affairs is that it leads to revitalizing your marriage.
Sometimes a mutual decision to separate and pursue independent lives spurs the reconnection. Or,
a clandestine affair has the same consequence. For example, one man in an affair found himself
arguing with his lover, one day. He had been feeling the same dissatisfactions he felt towards his
wife. Reexamining everything, he realized that he really wanted the experience of an affair, but with
his wife. "I want my wife and lover to be the same person," he said. He decided to confront his
marital problems and work on what he and his wife needed to do to rekindle it. Similarly, a
womans affair made her feel more confident and self-assured; more engaged and alive. She
realized that she wanted to feel that way with her husband. Her affair created new determination to
deal with the issues that had drained energy from her marriage.
People dont set out to have a healthy affair. But the above situations show that some affairs can
open the door to a psychologically healthier life.